Dad's Army (1968) s03e06 Episode Script

Come in.
- Evening, sir.
- Evening.
Where's Mr Mainwaring? I'm afraid we've got the auditors at the bank and he's been delayed there, you know, just to clear up one or two points.
I see.
I can't wait for him.
I've got two other units to visit.
- Perhaps you could give him a message.
- Certainly, sir.
A bit awkward.
Don't quite know how to start.
- Well, would you care to sit down? - Thank you.
Erm Look, tell me, how long has Mr Mainwaring been a captain? - Since we started.
- As Local Defence Volunteers? - That's right, yes.
- There were no commissions in the LDV.
- Really? Weren't there? - No.
It was only in February that officers in the Home Guard were granted a commission.
- How did he become a captain? - Well, I I I think he sort ofmade himself one.
Oh, did he? I often wondered why, as a captain, he was only in charge of a platoon.
Is that wrong? It is usual to have a lieutenant in charge of a platoon.
There's some rum ranks in the Home Guard.
We're sorting them out.
Be that as it may, I'm very sorry, but he never was a captain.
He'll have to take one of his pips off.
Would you tell him? Yes, I'll do that.
Tell him that I'll confirm it in writing in the next few days.
Right, yes.
Well, well.
Only a lieutenant.
Fancy that.
- Sergeant, here's your cup of char.
- Ah, my dear Walker.
How lovely.
Thank you.
- You're the cat that got the cream.
What's up? - Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing.
- By the way, I got your what's-his-name.
- Thank you very much indeed, Walker.
Lovely.
(CHUCKLES) - You don't half look happy.
- Well, you know how it is.
Oh, yes.
Yes, well, now Mainwaring I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news for you.
Now, Mainwaring, you've got to brace yourself for a shock, you know.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
I'm afraid, Mainwaring, one of those little pips has got to come off.
Oh, yes.
Good evening, Lieutenant Mainwaring.
- How are you? - Hello, Wilson.
Well You'll be pleased to hear that I got the drill sergeant for us.
Oh, yes, sir? What drill sergeant? Don't you ever remember anything? I said that the platoon was getting sloppy.
He's coming to give us an hour's drill.
I think he'll be a good man.
He's from the Guards.
What on earth have you got on your head? A beret, sir.
I think it rather suits me, don't you think? You're not supposed to wear that.
Those are for officers only.
Take it off at once.
Can't go about wearing things you're not entitled to.
The Home Guard's now an organised fighting unit.
The days are gone when people could just promote themselves to any fancy rank.
Funny you should say that, sir.
Captain Bailey said it when he called.
- He's been here? - Yes.
- Usual red-tape nonsense, I suppose? - Yes, he wanted you to take off a pip.
Is that all? He wanted what? He said, sir, that you're not actually a captain.
You're really only a lieutenant.
- Are you trying to be funny? - No, sir.
Right, we'll soon settle this.
Upstart.
Give me Eastgate 166, please.
It's a pity he's got nothing better to do.
Pity you've got nothing better to do than listen to him.
Sometimes, Wilson, I think you've got Hello.
It's Mainwaring here.
Captain Mainwaring.
Walmington-on-Sea.
Now, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's been some mistake.
Captain Bailey was here and he's left some peculiar, garbled story to my sergeant here.
It's quite possible he could have got it wrong.
Something absurd about taking a pip off.
What? Yes.
Yes, I thought so.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Right, Wilson.
What's the game? - Game, sir? - Yes, the game, man.
Telling me that I'm not a captain any more, making me ring up GHQ.
- Who did you talk to there, sir? - The sergeant, who knew nothing about it.
- Well? I'm waiting for your explanation.
- Well, eruh You know, Wilson, I am forced to say that .
.
you have confirmed a suspicion that's been in my mind for some weeks now.
You're jealous of me.
Jealous, sir? Don't think I haven't noticed those glances at my hat.
That's why you bought a beret, to keep up with me.
You don't fool me, not for a moment.
- You'd give anything to be in my shoes.
- I assure you, sir, you're wrong.
I'm not in the Home Guard for the glory.
I'd as soon serve as a sergeant or a private.
These pips don't meanthat to me.
- (RINGS) - Excuse me.
Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
Just a moment.
It's for you, sir.
Mainwaring here.
Oh, hello, sir.
How are you? Yes, I did ring earlier.
I spoke to the sergeant.
He'd only just come on duty.
What? I don't quite He hadn't been told what? Yes, sir.
But surely Yes, sir.
I'm I'm sorry, sir.
I really am.
I heard a voice within me whisper This is worth fighting for - Oh, excuse me, sir.
Can I help in any way? - No, thank you, Godfrey.
Tailoring is my line.
I was in the gentlemen's outfitting department of Civil Service Stores.
- I don't think that would be much use to me.
- At least let me try.
- What is the trouble? - I'm taking a pip off each shoulder.
Oh, yes.
I'll just pull these bits of cotton out.
- You can see the marks where the pip's been.
- Yes, I know.
- Why are you taking it off, sir? - I can't go into all that.
It's a long story.
- Don't say anything to the men.
- About what, sir? Never mind.
You can go.
Go home, Godfrey.
Go home.
It's nearly time to dismiss the parade.
- Oh, I see you've taken them off.
- Yes, yes, I've taken them off.
I don't want anything said to the men.
- They'll find out.
- I shall devise a reason for them not to.
Oh, you must have been seeing things, Mr Godfrey.
- No, no.
I helped him.
- Maybe he's been promoted.
That's it, that's it.
Major.
That's the next step up.
He was taking them three pips off to put a crown up.
Blimey, don't say that.
He was pompous enough as a captain.
Now, come along, please.
Er What have I got to say? Ah, yes.
Properly at ease, everybody.
- I can't wait to see what's on his shoulders.
- Walker! Please.
Right, platoon.
Platoon, attention! Ready for your inspection, sir.
Eyes front, Frazer.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes? Why are you wearing a shoulder protector, sir? Is that standard dress now? No, it isn't, Corporal.
I'm testing them out.
- Anything wrong with that? - No, no, sir.
I like it, I like it, sir.
- A word or two about Sunday's exercise.
- Excuse me, sir! Ye cannae take the parade wi' your badges o' rank covered up.
You've told us many a time it's not the man we salute, but the King's commission.
He's right.
How can we salute you if we can't see your badge? You'll have to take it off.
- Very well.
You might as well know the truth.
- Mr Mainwaring, sir! Mr Mainwaring, sir! - Sir! Mr Mainwaring! - What is it, Verger? - The Bismarck's been sunk, sir.
- What? The German battleship Bismarck, it's been sunk.
It's just come through on the wireless.
(ALL CHEER) I'll tell His Reverence, sir.
I don't know how he'll take it.
Dismissed! - Well, that's good news, isn't it, Wilson? - Yes, sir.
The navy has saved your bacon.
I know the touch of - (KNOCKING) - Come in.
- Ah, good evening, sir.
- Evening.
- Mr Mainwaring not here yet? - No, I'm afraid not.
He's with the auditors.
Oh, pity.
Look, how did he take last night? - Take what? - His pips off, man.
He, er Well, he just cut them off.
- With a pen-knife.
- No, how did it affect him? He was terribly cut up.
His whole life is the Home Guard.
Yes, I realise that, Sergeant.
- Makes my task even more difficult.
- What task? Well, when Mainwaring phoned up GHQ last night, we began to look into things.
It appears that he hasn't even been commissioned as a lieutenant.
I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
It's perfectly simple.
He hasn't got any rank at all.
He has no authority over this platoon.
- Look, it's all in that letter.
Give it to him.
- Right, yes, sir.
Oh, by the way, in the meantime, you'll be in charge.
Until I can make other arrangements.
- Oh, good news about the Bismarck, wasn't it? - Yes, awfully good news.
(JONES) Platoon! Platoon, 'shun! I think I'll go out of the other door.
Give him that letter when he comes, won't you? - Hello, Wilson.
- Hello, sir.
- Everything all right? - Yes, quite all right, yes.
- Get the men together.
I want to talk to them.
- Before you do anything No, no, no.
The men have got to know that I'm now a lieutenant.
- Yes, well - After all, ours not to reason why.
Well, I think you ought to read this letter from Captain Bailey.
He left it a few moments ago.
- Here again? - Yes.
He couldn't stop.
What's the matter with that man? Anybody would think he didn't want to see me.
Well, excuse me, sir.
If you don't mind, sir, I'll I'll just go and do something else.
- Yes, all right.
- Right.
- (BANG) - My God, he's shot himself.
Sorry about that bang, Mr Wilson.
Mr Godfrey had one up the spout and it went off.
But it's all right.
Nobody was hurt.
Nobody was hurt, Mr Mainwaring.
Nobody was - What's the matter with ? - He's had a shock.
Perhaps you could help me get Mr Mainwaring down into this seat.
I never thought rifle fire would affect him like that.
I can't get over it.
Mr Mainwaring's never an officer after all.
Not at all.
He's not an officer at all.
- I wonder how he's taking it? - It was awful at the bank.
Didn't come out of the office.
Mr Wilson had to push the post underneath the door.
- Poor Mainwaring.
We'll miss him.
- Serves him right.
He's been tempting providence, strutting about like a peacock.
There you all are.
Good.
Right, now, just fall in, will you? In three ranks.
Come on, quick as you can.
- Come on, Walker.
- All right, all right, all right.
Come on, now.
Just listen to me.
Now, before Before we go on with any, errifle .
.
any rifle exercise, I should tell you that I've been put in charge of this platoon until they appoint a new officer.
Does that mean you're leading us on the exercise on Sunday? - Yes, I'm afraid it does, yes.
- What's going to happen to Mr Mainwaring? Mr Mainwaring is no longer a member of this platoon.
- That isn't strictly accurate, Sergeant.
- What? Cor! When I was first informed that I was no longer to be your commanding officer, I must admit that my first reaction was to go away quietly.
And then I thought, ''No.
'' The defence of this town must come first.
This country needs every able-bodied man it can get, andI was very proud to lead you as Captain Mainwaring.
I shall be equally proud to march in your ranks as Private Mainwaring.
That's all.
Never you mind, Mr Mainwaring.
You'll always be Captain Mainwaring as far as I'm concerned.
Now, you just form a little rank beside me, my dear sir.
You form a little rank over here.
You move over, Mr Godfrey.
That was beautiful, Mr Mainwaring.
That was beautifully done.
Very good.
- Very good indeed, sir.
- Sycophants! Pah! You haven't got a rifle.
He hasn't got a bundook.
All right.
Let me have that rifle, please.
Here you are, sir.
Are you Are you quite sure that you want to go through with this? - I thought I'd just made that quite clear.
- Right, sir.
In that case, platoon Platoon - Are you ready, sir? - Oh, get on with it! Platoon, attention! Stand at ease! I used to have that trouble, Mr Mainwaring.
- I done a lot of practice.
I'm all right now.
- All right, Jones.
Platoon Platoon, attention! Blast! I think you put me off, Mr Mainwaring.
You know, sir, that was so much better, sir.
- It wasn't.
It was all wrong.
Do it again.
- All right.
Platoon Platoon, stand at Platoon, stand at Just Just wait for it, sir.
Wait for it.
Platoon, stand at ease! Attention! It took Jonesy a year to get it right.
Mainwaring's put him back where he started.
Name's Gregory, drill sergeant.
Is the platoon ready? - Ready for what? - Drill.
An hour's drill.
- I told you he was coming.
- Stop talking in the ranks! Stop talking! - Now, let's have a look at you.
- Wouldn't you rather fall out, sir? - You need have no fears - Talking again? Calling him ''sir''? - It is terribly awkward.
- What is he? A knight? Looks like a rough knight to me.
(LAUGHS) What's the matter with you lot? No sense of humour? Have a laugh.
Get air in your lungs.
I do a lot of laughing, I do.
In my job, you get plenty to laugh about.
I should think you lot will give me a few chuckles.
- What are you laughing at, then, lad? - I'm not laughing.
It's my normal expression.
Looking at you, it's the only thing that is normal.
Look to your front, lad! Get your 'ead up! Not that high! Do you think you're a Bisto kid? No use looking on the ground.
There's nothing down there.
I know.
I've been all over it.
What a horrible lot.
Ah.
You an old soldier, are you? - That's right, Sergeant.
I've been all through.
- I'll bet you have.
I expect you've been through more than I've had hot dinners.
Kitchener may need you, but I don't.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I should be doing something useful, like drilling soldiers.
- You! Where did you get that 'at? - Pardon? - The hat.
On your 'ead.
- Well, I I just bought it.
Oh, you bought it? It's an officer's 'at! You've got no business wearing it! What about this Fred Karno's? Who do you think you are? The boys of the old brigade? Stomach in.
Chin in.
Both of them.
- Why aren't you in the army? - I was.
I got me ticket.
- What for? - I was allergic to corned beef.
I thought so.
You've got ''malingerer'' written all over you.
- You're due for the army soon, ain't you? - I want to go in the navy.
- But me mum says I'm too delicate.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
I am sorry.
What is wrong with you, lad? - I've got a chest.
- Really? You'd look bloody funny without one! I've got a cure for that.
Start running on the spot.
Go! Hup, hup, hup! You look like some foreign nancy boy treading grapes.
Hup, hup, hup! And you! - And you! Hup, hup, hup! - Hup, hup, hup! - Not you! Not you! - Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup - Halt! - But I like it.
I like it, Sergeant.
Oh, we've got a keen one here, have we? No, you'd better not.
I wouldn't like any 'arm to come to you.
Such a nice old gentleman.
- You remind me of my granddad.
- Oh? He died five years ago.
They dug him up three weeks ago.
Looks better than you do now.
(MAINWARING) You're going too far, Sergeant.
- I beg your pardon? - I said, you're going too far.
Did you hear that? It's His bleedin' Lordship.
I'm going too far? YOU'RE going too far, but you ain't gonna get anywhere.
- Start running on the spot! Hup, hup, hup, hup! - Mr Mainwaring used to be our officer.
Officers, I 'ate 'em.
I'll give you a wet shirt.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup! Halt! Hold that.
You all right? Stand atease! Platoon Wait for it, wait for it.
Platoon! 'Tenshun! You're a bit behind, aren't you? You glamorous knight.
Now, when you stand to attention, stand up straight, chins in, chests out, stomachs in.
Excuse me.
Would you mind repeating that? Slopearms! Oh, give it here! Now, watch me! When I've done it, do exactly as I do! Understand? Slopearms! One, two, three! One, two, three! One.
Right! Slopearms! One, two, three! One, two, three! One! - Right! - Agh! - Jonesy, seen anything of the enemy? - Not as yet, Mr Wilson.
In that case, before we do anything more, we'd better send out a scout.
- We don't want to run into an ambush.
- Yes, I I'd like to volunteer for that.
- I'd like to be your scout.
Let me be your scout.
- All right.
Very well, then.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to run over there to that littlethat humpty thing.
Have a good look at it and if you can't see the Eastgate Platoon Excuse me, Sergeant.
It's the Southgate Platoon, not Eastgate.
It doesn't matter what it is.
If it's all clear, just give us the signal, will you? - And we'll come on.
- Very well, Mr Wilson.
I will go running up there, and I will go to the humpty.
If there are no enemy present, I will signal you, and you'll come along on.
All right, Jonesy.
You do that.
- Right.
- Right, off you go.
- I don't think you should have sent him.
- He gets so keyed up.
I couldn't stop him.
- Mr Mainwaring wouldn't have done that.
- Oh, Lord.
It's all clear, Mr Wilson.
Look.
- Why is Jonesy signalling with his trousers? - Oh, Lord.
He always overdoes everything.
All right, come on.
Let's go and join him.
Come on, Godfrey.
Can you manage? One, two There we go.
Street lamps aglow A terrible disgrace, letting ourselves be wiped out like that.
I tell you, there'll be no platoon for the new officer to take charge of.
It's falling apart.
- Ye hear that, Jonesy? Hear that? - I heard it.
The platoon's at rock bottom.
If only we had Mr Mainwaring back as our officer.
Joe, what about it? It's no good looking at me, mate.
This time, I'm stumped.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Well, why shouldn't I have one? Sound the last all clear (JONES) Dear sir.
Permission to write? As an old soldier of 30 years' service and a member of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes, may I put in a good word for our late captain? His reduction in rank has had a shattering effect on our morals (PIKE) Dear sir.
As the youngest member of the platoon, I would like to say what a fine soldier, officer and gentleman Mr Mainwaring is.
Are.
Was.
My mum says (GODFREY) Dear sir.
May I most humbly and respectfully beg to place before you the following facts for consideration at your convenience? To whom it may concern.
Mr Mainwaring has always carried out (WALKER) Dear sir.
If you ask yours truly, this caper of slashing Captain Mainwaring down to size is not much bottle.
Fair dos is what I says.
Hoping this finds you as it leaves me.
J Walker, Esquire.
P.
S.
If a couple of bottles of Scotch would tip the balance, you're on.
Here, Jock.
Aren't you going to write a letter? I'll do it when I get home.
I'm not illiterate, you know.
I'm perfectly capable of writing a letter all by masel'.
(FRAZER) Dear sirs.
Now that the post of commanding officer for the platoon is vacant, I'd like you to consider a certain private who served with distinction during the last conflict.
Unfortunately, some understandable jealousy has caused him to be ignored in the past whenever promotion was due.
In spite of all this, I feel I must speak out and reveal his name, which is Private Frazer.
Signed: a well-wisher.
Who am I to think that this After receiving these letters from the platoon, GHQ felt duty-bound to grant Mr Mainwaring his commission.
(ALL CHEER) The three platoons, Southgate, Eastgate and Walmington-on-Sea, will form a company, with Mr Mainwaring as second in command, his rank of captain confirmed.
- Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! - Oi, oi, oi, oi! No need to overdo it, you know.
- Good news, eh, Sergeant? - Awfully good, sir.
The letters were unanimous in their praise for Captain Mainwaring.
Or perhaps I should say ''practically unanimous''.
- Congratulations, Captain Mainwaring.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- And thank you, men, for your trust.
- Aye, sir, ye have that.
I assure you that I shall lead you to the best of my ability as long as my country needs me.
- Great news for all of us.
- Right, dismissed.
- Good luck to you, sir.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Welcome home, Captain Mainwaring.
- Any time you need something, tip me the wink.
- Ever so pleased, sir.
And me mum.
- Thank you.
Dinnae forget, sir, if ever you're minded tae make up a lance corporal, I'm willing no, I'll be proud tae serve under ye.
I'll bear that in mind, Frazer.
A nasty business, but all's well that ends well.
Yes.
I must say, it did have its funny side, sir.
When I got home, I laughed and laughed.
Did you? To think that all the time that you were running things .
.
you had absolutely no authority over us at all.
No, I know.
None whatever, had I? Hadn't even got the authority to promote you to sergeant, had I? Still, I'm sure everything will sort itself out eventually.
In the meantime, perhaps you'd care to borrow my pen-knife.