Daria s03e06 Episode Script

All right.
Here are the results of your career aptitude tests.
Perhaps they'll help you avoid whiskey-soaked decades wondering what might have been if only you'd had the guts to follow your dream of a life at sea.
That's right, let it out.
Just make sure you clean up after.
My congratulations, Miss Lane.
You've done it again.
Perfect record.
I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.
Accountant? That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer.
Gets the whole test over within five minutes.
You mean you didn't even try to answer the questions? Questions? What questions? What did you get? Let's see.
Don't worry about it.
How much can they tell from a standardized test? I've had fortune cookies that were more accurate.
Petroleum dispen dispensation? Hey, I'm going to be an oil typhoon! Oh, Kevvy, that's great! Sound it out, Kevin.
This says you'll be pumping gas at a filling station.
I'm going to be a gas jockey for the rest of my life? Then again, sometimes these tests can be absolutely uncanny.
Does anyone notice anything special about me? Yes.
From just the right angle, I really can see through your head.
Daria, please.
What are we supposed to notice, honey? My neck! I got my career aptitude test results at school today, and they said I have a future as a neck model for jewelry catalogues.
So your head would serve as sort of an accent piece.
I think it's wonderful that you're thinking about the future, Quinn, but you've got far more to offer than your neck.
Yes, what about the untapped potential of your shapely wrists? Daria, did you take a career aptitude test? I don't remember.
So I have to call the school to get your results.
If you so choose.
Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring you a surprise snack for your lunch box, pop into class and give it to you myself.
All right, all right.
That's check and mate.
A mortician?! Hey, it's not my fault.
Neck model was already taken.
"Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead.
" Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans? I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket.
I can't believe you're not more ambitious.
You want me to kill people to drum up business? Daria Daddy, can I have some money for pictures of my neck? Why, sure, honey! Pictures of your neck, great idea! I'll just run down to the bank right now Jake! You're not giving Quinn any money.
Can I go to the bank, anyway? Sit down, Jake.
But I need $500 to put together a portfolio.
Quinn, if you want that kind of money, you can take a job and earn it.
A job? But the stress could put wrinkles on my neck.
Tell me about it.
And if Quinn's getting a job, Daria, you can get one, too.
I want you to get an idea of what the working world is about so you can take an interest in your future.
And give up studying for the priesthood? It says on this form that they have peer counseling at your school.
Either you get a job, or you get some counseling to improve your people skills.
Well, I guess counseling would take up less of my time.
Daddy, I don't have any work clothes.
Can I have $500 for some new outfits? Is that the doorbell? You're that girl from Quinn's house.
Are you getting counseling, too? I'm the counselor.
It's volunteer work to help the socially challenged.
You're going to counsel me? Of course.
It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic.
Okay.
Is this going to take long? "You too can learn to make" Yes? " friends.
Making friends" Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.
"Making friends is" Fun? Interesting? Impossible? " important.
Friends can be very" Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?! You made me lose my place.
Let's see "Making friends is important" Now they're making me look for a job.
I thought you said they gave you a choice.
It's been 24 hours since I met with Tiffany.
As far as I know, she's still there counseling me.
So what kind of job are you thinking about? The kind that's already been taken.
They said I had to look for a job; they didn't say I had to find one.
Yeah, I don't even see any jobs available.
Well, no sense pushing our luck.
Cheese fries? Sounds good.
Daria, how did the job hunt go? It was really rough.
I looked everywhere and couldn't find a single thing.
How can that be? Unemployment is at a record low.
That's the problem.
Everybody's working and all the jobs are filled.
Guess what? I found a job at the first place I looked: the pet store in the mall.
Are you sure it's a job? Maybe they're just trying to find you a good home.
And I've only got one night to coordinate my animal print nail polish.
Daria, you're not dedicated to finding a job at all, are you? On the contrary.
I'm willing to spend as long as it takes: weeks, months, years Hey, Daria! I got you job! Frankly, Daria, this is not what I consider an ideal situation.
That's funny, I'm in heaven.
Because your father consults for our national office, my regional manager asked me to give you a tryout.
But quite honestly, I don't like nepotism, and I don't like cronyism.
Where do you stand on vandalism? You get the same chance as everyone else: no more, no less.
I need my workers to think, sleep, eat and breathe nuts! Only those who make it through my rigorous screening process are fit to represent my merchandise to the public.
Hey, hey, how's it going? I'm here to apply for a job.
- Can you bag nuts? - Sure! - You're hired.
- Cool! Hey, Daria.
Each customer must be greeted with our trademark slogan: "Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
We're just nuts about nuts.
Crunch nuts with your lunch.
Buy them by the bunch.
Send them to friends far away to munch.
" Now repeat that so I know you've learned it.
Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
We're just nuts about nuts.
You almost had that.
Try again, after me.
"Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
" Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World? Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
Uh, Nuts World, Nutty, Nutty, um uh, Lunch? No! Hey, don't worry.
I'll get it right for the customers.
Just don't forget to smile.
Remember our guarantee: "If we don't smile, the nuts are free.
" And those free nuts come out of your paychecks.
So, c'mon, smile big, wide, let's seem them.
Let's take a break.
Let me guess.
This is your way of moving up from pumping gas.
Yeah, I mean, that test was like a wake-up call.
I got to think about the future.
I need a serious job with, like, a serious career path.
This is serious, all right.
You've got to take special care of the animals.
Believe me, when you neglect them, they don't let you forget it.
Mr.
Matthews, are you sure these animals are safe? Oh, sure they are.
Wouldn't hurt a fly, not even Joanne.
Joanne? My $1,000 prize boa constrictor.
Don't you have any cuter animals here? Those are the ones I aspire to work with.
I'll introduce you to everyone.
Those are Maria and Pedro, my two iguanas.
They need exactly three and a quarter teaspoons of water every 45 minutes.
These are my canaries.
Be sure not to breathe too hard on them.
Travis, Mavis, Venus, Elvis, Chloris, Clovis and Posh.
Got the names? Oh, yes.
Great.
Then come meet the goldfish.
Okay, kids, let's do some business.
Remember, no unauthorized personnel behind the counter.
And most of all, smile, smile, smile, or the nuts are free.
Whoa, free nuts.
Uh, Kevin, he meant for the customers.
Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
We're just nuts about nuts.
Crunch nuts with your lunch Yeah, can I get a bag of pistachios? Okay, hold on a second.
There.
Wow, you did it! You sold a bag of nuts.
That's right, Kevin.
I'm so happy you were here to share it with me.
Hi! Welcome to Nutty World.
Hi, there.
Welcome to Nutty World.
We're just crunching our lunch and sending your nuts uh, Daria, what comes next again? Bankruptcy court? Can I get two pounds of almonds, please? Sure thing, ma'am.
Hey, Daria, which ones were the almonds, again? These.
Right here.
The ones with the sign that says "almonds" on them.
That's the same word on the sign over there, with the picture of the almond on it.
Oh, yeah, right, thanks.
So where did you point again? I'd like my nuts, please.
Hang on.
Here, birdies, come get your birdseed.
Oops.
What was that? Did I hear you say "oops"? Oh, my God, I only see six canaries.
Where's Travis? Um, a nice old lady just walked in and bought him.
She, um, uh, brought her own cage.
Fantastic! Keep up the good work, Quinn.
Great! Now I'm a whole bird further away from my photos.
Wow! That's your third sale.
I thought you brains only knew about school stuff, but, like, you know how to sell nuts, too.
Amazing.
Yes, Kevin.
You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy skills can be.
Kevin, what are you doing? Angie told me she saw you here giving some lady a bag of nuts and smiling your head off.
You know women can't resist your smiles.
But, babe, I got to smile at everyone.
It's part of my job.
Oh, Kevvy it's just for the job, right? Sure, babe, I promise.
Okay, but this sign says a smile.
Just one.
If I catch you giving more than one smile to a customer, you're quitting.
Now you're making me smile.
Figuratively speaking.
I need four pounds of walnuts.
Do you think he's smiling at you because he wants to He's not, you know.
They're making him.
World of Crunch Lunch Nuts.
Munch the nutty, nutty? So how was the first day on the job? It went great.
The animals love me.
I heard a canary got caught in the air filtration system at the mall.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? Stop making things up.
Besides, it wasn't really my fault.
Hey, what's for dinner? Peanut butter sandwiches? That's Daria.
She smells like peanuts from her stupid job.
I what? Oh, God.
That explains those squirrels at the bus stop.
While we're on the subject, tell us about your job, Daria.
It went surprisingly well.
Really? In fact, I doubt I can ever top today's performance.
So I think I'll take early retirement, starting tomorrow.
No, you won't.
You're not quitting until you spend enough time there to realize your future is nothing to take for granted, right, Jake? Can we have our peanut butter sandwiches now? When aliens eat out, where do they relieve themselves? Extraterrestrial restaurant restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World.
It's even worse than school.
You're trapped in a much tighter space, the rules are stupider, and Kevin's very close.
Should I come down and visit? Offer some moral support? You've already seen me in enough humiliating situations.
So what would one more hurt? Misery loves company.
You don't have to tell me that.
It's the basis of our whole friendship.
All right, you can come.
But don't let anyone else know.
Hey, Janey.
Hey, Daria.
Didn't you make some coffee last week? You look awful.
What happened to you? Jesse and I were up all night trying to write a new song, but we only ended up with one chord we like.
And which chord would that be? "A" minor seventh.
No, "A" diminished.
I'll get another cramp! Hey, that's weird.
Suddenly, I'm in the mood for peanut brittle.
Congratulations, Daria.
Despite your $15 penalty for unsmiled nut sales, you're our first salesperson of the day.
I've always dreamt of the day my picture would hang in a nuthouse.
Well, if you expect to keep it there, you'll have to remember to smile.
Thanks for the ride.
I'm off to, um, get some art supplies.
See ya.
Okay.
See ya.
Let's go hit that new nut stand.
I've been craving honey-roasted peanuts all day.
Getting a snack? Yum! Let's go snack somewhere.
Let's see, you could take little Puddie-Pie, or there's little Fifi, and this puppy over here is Snuggles.
I like this one.
Oh, no, that's Bark.
See, he's my favorite.
Why don't you take Fifi instead? But I want the other one! What's going on here? Oh, no! Where's Joanne?! Who's Joanne? Mr.
Matthews said not to let the puppies' little paws touch the rough floor, so I put them on the lid from Joanne's cage.
Who's Joanne? How did she get over the side of the cage?! Don't boa constrictors have gravity? Come on, let's get some pizza, or tacos, or cheese sticks, or stuffed pitas, burgers, bagels, chicken fried BBQ buffalo wings? My treat.
Janey, I've been thinking about peanuts all day.
I've got to get some.
They've, like, hijacked my brain.
Moth to a flame.
You've hijacked my brain.
Moth to a flame.
If you don't release me It'll really be lame.
No.
I'll forfeit the game.
Nah.
My soul's waves of grain.
I've heard that somewhere before.
You're driving me insane! Too many syllables.
Oh, no.
Cover for me, Kevin.
I've got to take a break.
Wait, where are you going? Further into my personal hell.
Hey! I just remembered! Big string give-away at the guitar store, this way.
- You've hijacked my brain - Moth to a flame.
- If you don't release me - I'll go just the same.
Moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly from your love.
Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models.
Naked, naked, naked! All right, second verse.
It's my personal hell, where I roast in my shell Roast in my shell? Aw, man, I can't think straight till I get those peanuts.
Hey, uh, welcome, nuts.
Munch a bunch of your nutty friend's lunch.
Um okay.
I need some peanuts.
Cool.
Um, peanuts.
Peanuts Hey, Daria! Where do we keep the peanuts? Daria? Scrimmage injury.
Daria? Hey, Daria! You know where the peanuts are, Daria? Try the peanut bin, you idiot.
Can you come out and show me? No! Um, you know what? I don't want any peanuts after all.
But you said they hijacked your brain.
Well, now I think a burger has taken over my brain.
What do you say? Cool.
Hey, don't go! Come back! See you again at Nut, Nut, Nutty, Nutty Lunch World! Hey, you can't go back there.
Yeah, I can.
They changed the rules.
Oh, cool.
Hey.
Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.
We're just nuts about humiliation.
I tried to keep them away.
Nice job.
C'mon, you got a break coming up? I'll buy you some junk food.
Something not in the nut family.
Yeah, that'll be nice.
Let's go cruise the mall in case there's someone I know who hasn't seen me in my Nutty World uniform.
I'll see you later.
Daria See you later.
Mrs.
Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.
Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone.
Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.
No, no.
I'm looking for Daria.
Daria? Why are you calling here? She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.
Really? They probably haven't let her off yet.
I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.
What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there? Yeah, that's the thing.
She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.
What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts.
Listen, I need you guys to find a missing boa constrictor while I work up front.
Don't worry, they don't bite.
They just strangle.
I'll find it for you! No, no, I will! No, no, me! How we gonna call the snake if we don't know its name? You don't call a snake, stupid.
You play one of those flute things.
I don't know how to play the flute.
Can't we put out some snake food or something? What do they eat? Hey, look! That ought to do it.
Where's Daria? Uh, welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, uh Oh, shut up.
You can go back there now.
They changed the rules.
Mom? What are you doing back here? Working with filberts.
Oh, I see, you're in back doing the physical labor while that goon is up front networking.
Hey, what are you doing? You can find someone else to bag your nuts, pal! You're not exploiting my daughter anymore.
You can't take her away! She's my salesperson of the day! I'm sure your valuable male counter help is more than qualified to cover for her.
Hey, Daria, wait! My apron is caught in the register again! The nerve of that sexist caveman to think he could get away with treating you that way.
It was awful, awful.
Damn peanut smell.
What are you doing here?! Can't you see I'm working?! Get this thing off me, man! Careful with her! She has sensitive scales! I swear, babe, that wasn't a smile the second time! I can't believe it.
Finally someone I know is attacked by animals, and I and my video camera are nowhere to be found.
I'm not sure if cute little furballs milling around your feet really constitutes an attack.
Hey, you don't know what they were thinking.
Well, now Kevin, Quinn and I are all out of a job, which suits me fine.
What happened to you? It's Daria's fault! You got too close to me with your stupid nut shirt! You know I'm allergic to pistachio dye, and now I've got a rash! My neck modeling career is over! What? I think I just found job satisfaction.
Written by Rachel Lipman Réponses au blindtest : Skunk Anansie - Hedonism Daria arriving at counselling Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Magical Colors Daria and Jane at mall Camper Van Beethoven - Eve of Fatima Daria's first day at work Eve's Plum - I Want It All after Daria's first day of work Fatboy Slim - The Rockafeller Skank Trent, Jesse, and Jane approaching the nut stand Veruca Salt - Shutterbug closing credits The Ramones - The Job That Ate My Brain