Die Hart (2020) s03e06 Episode Script
The Face of Guffey Light
1
[suspenseful music]
JORDAN: Excuse me, uh, sir.
Special Agent John Fisher.
Special Agent Fisher, aren't you
supposed to read us our rights?
You know, are we under arrest?
Do we get to speak to a lawyer?
- I mean, I know my rights, so
- That's good.
That's enough chit chat out of you.
KEVIN: You son of a bitch,
get me out of here! Hey! Hey!
And also, you can't just
stick Kevin in the trunk.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
- JORDAN: He's shrieking.
- PEARL: Yeah
- [hair metal plays loudly]
- Oh, come on!
[hair metal continues playing]
Sorry, Agent Fisher, was it?
Just gonna turn this down
Hi, nice arms.
I I couldn't help but notice
that you're you're very sexy.
Like, super-hot.
I would say eleven out
of ten on the zaddy scale.
You know what I'm saying? Just
a real unicorn situation here.
And we Jordan and I
are, dare I say, a couple
of foxy ladies in our prime
who are looking to
party with the lawmen.
Just to clarify, I'm
definitely not looking to party.
Jordan, what are you
doing? Dude, we seduce him.
We get him all horny and vulnerable
and maybe do some sex
stuff, maybe not
- Ew.
- let's not take it off the table,
- and then we fuck him up.
- I can hear you.
Idiots.
What is wrong with you?
I know they didn't teach
you that at Juilliard.
Okay, so
I only kind of went to Juilliard.
And by "kind of," I mean I
dated a girl that taught there.
And it was a summer course
in music theory.
Why would you lie about that?
Because you're Jordan King.
Always, I don't know,
classically trained
and always so poised.
I just thought you
might see me as an equal.
I'm not perfect, you know.
Over the past two years, I've
stolen over $130 million worth
of personal property.
What?! Girl, go off!
Ssh! Gold, jewels, cash,
cars, bonds.
I may have even stolen the
schematics for a nuclear missile.
Oh, my God.
And to think I thought I
couldn't respect you more.
- Holy shit.
- You respect me for committing felonies?
Well, no, no, I respect you
for sharing your truth with me.
Well, and also for committing felonies.
That, to me, is very cool.
But no, sharing your
truth, that shit is sacred.
I will now repay the favor by
telling you something I've
never told anyone before
- about the night I lost my virginity.
- No, no-no
It was hurricane season,
and I was wearing
- That's not necessary.
- my favorite pair of jorts.
Shut the hell up back there!
Jesus.
This fucking "Fried
Green Tomatoes" bullshit.
[clears throat]
Right, so strong
and the glasses are so
Wait, holy shit.
I've seen you.
Wait, I've seen you before.
Jordan, Jordan, I've
fucking seen this guy.
- What is that, what are you saying?
- Oh, my God.
I fucking seen this guy right here
from the Guffey Light commercials.
Wait, you're in comm
he's in commercials?
Dude, I fucking know it's you.
- Holy shit, you're literally
- Stop fucking talking, right now!
KEVIN: Come on, man! Let me out!
JORDAN: Okay.
Fine it was me.
- So what?
- Wait, wait-wait-wait, wait.
So you so you're are
you telling us you're an actor?
- He's an actor.
- Oh, my God.
You're auditioning for a
role. This is brilliant.
- This is fucking brilliant!
- Oh, I'm relieved, you're one of us!
- You're one of us!
- KEVIN: Let me out!
For the record, I wasn't
trying to fuck you.
You're more like a seven out
of ten but the zip ties?!
- The commitment?
- Yeah, and this is why you couldn't
tell us our rights, because
you don't know the protocol
I do know the protocol!
Okay, so what is it, are you
are you a beer commercial actor
or a Fed?
Both.
When I was a little baby boy
my foster dad, who I called Pee-Pop,
took me to see "Roman Inferno."
I was only five years old,
but when I saw Gene Hackman
thrust that Venetian Fauchard
deep into Marlon Brando's guts,
I knew in that moment.
Everything was distilled so clearly.
I knew what my dream was.
- Grow up and be a psychopath?
- To be an actor.
Jeez, all right.
To be an actor
in a Jackson Pepper film.
So, as soon as I turned 18,
I packed up my Subaru Baja,
and I drove across the
country to Hollywoodland.
Managed to get into commercials.
Started off with lawn turf products.
Moved on to fitness equipment ads.
And eventually, I hit
the top of the mountain.
Thirty-second beer spots.
- Is it?
- Is it?
And then
one day
my number
was finally called.
[whispering] The French
fries have gone cold.
Fisher? John Fisher?
FISHER: I'd scored an audition for a
part in Jackson Pepper's "Simple Beast".
Sure, it was just one line,
but I'd be sharing the
screen with Dustin Hoffman.
Hey, hey, Mr. Pepper
this is just such an honor.
I this is, like, all
that and a bag of chips.
Okay.
Don't need these.
[sputtering]
Yow-yow-yow-yow-yow,
MTV Raps.
The French fries have gone cold.
[sighing]
PEPPER: If they have gone cold,
the implication is they were once hot.
The disappointment of knowing the
temperature of your food has changed
without your knowledge or consent
must land with an emotional impact.
You know nothing about this character.
Next.
Thank
Thanking
Thank you.
He tore my young, aspiring,
tight thespian ass a new one.
It destroyed me.
But, hey, he was right.
[snarling]
So I did my research. I went deep.
I went so deep it hurt. [cackling]
And the next day, I marched
myself right back in there,
and I gave it my all.
[rising dramatic score]
The French fries have gone cold,
you motherfucker.
[slow clapping]
He didn't give me that one-line part.
Instead, he invited me to dinner.
PEPPER: I'd like to invite
you to dinner at my home.
FISHER: And he offered
me a leading role.
John, I'd like to offer
you a leading role.
FISHER: I would play an
FBI agent who goes rogue
and plays by his own specific,
dangerous set of rules.
You'll be playing an
FBI agent who goes rogue
and plays by his own
specific set of rules.
I asked him how can
I ever understand
what it's like to be an FBI agent
unless
I actually
become an FBI agent?
He said nothing.
He smiled and nodded.
And then he wished me
Good luck.
Wait, so you became an actual FBI agent?
Yeah.
A decade ago.
First I had to stop
with the Guffey Light,
so I got sober.
Then I got into shape.
Got my associate's
degree in criminology.
My wife, Cassandra,
she thought I was nuts.
She divorced me.
But at that point, I was already
in at the academy in Quantico.
I worked hard.
I studied my tight little ass off.
And the next thing you know, bango!
I'm a special agent in the FBI.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Fuck yeah.
[chuckling]
Oh, man.
But they stationed
me to Portland, Maine,
a million miles from Hollywood.
Bounced around, working through
the different field offices,
busting criminals
orchestrating sting
operations, filing RICO charges.
I met a prostitute named Joris.
Like Doris, but with a J.
She taught me how to play bridge.
Ended up in Phoenix.
Thought I'd never leave.
So I had to blackmail
my commanding officer,
and I got reassigned here.
Jackson Pepper's jurisdiction.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ten years.
Ten years waiting my tight little
ass off for Mr. Pepper to call.
And now all of that time
all of that time is wasted!
It's wasted!
Because you and your
little pal in the trunk
had to go and murder him.
And now all I got to show for it
is this stupid FBI badge
and an ulcer the size of Wisconsin.
[growling]
[screaming]
So right now, you're a rogue FBI agent
living by his own set
of dangerous rules.
No, no, no now I'm
just a sad sack of bones
that used to have dreams,
but now his dreams are shattered.
Oh, you know what the worst part is?
I fucking nailed being an FBI agent.
You were so good!
I had this whole
backstory, this subtext.
This obsession with fairness.
Okay, and if you want
fairness, then you must know
that Kevin did not kill him.
- It was the Venetian F
- Oh, fuck
- F-F-F? F-F-F?
- PEARL: Venetian Voolay.
- It was the Fauchard!
- The Venetian Fauchard!
[laughing] Fauchard! Fauchard!
Ehh! Wrong. If Kevin was innocent,
there's no way he would have
run away from the crime scene
and then returned to it
and tossed all the evidence
out the window like a child.
Have you ever seen a child
throw evidence out a window?
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
- Oh oh.
- [snoring]
A sleepy little guy.
Little sleepy liar.
What? You think I'm an idiot?
Aah!
Wait a minute.
The fuck you doin' no!
[screaming]
[high-pitched whine]
[muffled screams]
This is gonna be fun.
["The Nightmare Begins"
by Streets plays]
The same scene ♪
Where I lose her again and again ♪
Yeah, it's always the same ♪
[suspenseful music]
JORDAN: Excuse me, uh, sir.
Special Agent John Fisher.
Special Agent Fisher, aren't you
supposed to read us our rights?
You know, are we under arrest?
Do we get to speak to a lawyer?
- I mean, I know my rights, so
- That's good.
That's enough chit chat out of you.
KEVIN: You son of a bitch,
get me out of here! Hey! Hey!
And also, you can't just
stick Kevin in the trunk.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
- JORDAN: He's shrieking.
- PEARL: Yeah
- [hair metal plays loudly]
- Oh, come on!
[hair metal continues playing]
Sorry, Agent Fisher, was it?
Just gonna turn this down
Hi, nice arms.
I I couldn't help but notice
that you're you're very sexy.
Like, super-hot.
I would say eleven out
of ten on the zaddy scale.
You know what I'm saying? Just
a real unicorn situation here.
And we Jordan and I
are, dare I say, a couple
of foxy ladies in our prime
who are looking to
party with the lawmen.
Just to clarify, I'm
definitely not looking to party.
Jordan, what are you
doing? Dude, we seduce him.
We get him all horny and vulnerable
and maybe do some sex
stuff, maybe not
- Ew.
- let's not take it off the table,
- and then we fuck him up.
- I can hear you.
Idiots.
What is wrong with you?
I know they didn't teach
you that at Juilliard.
Okay, so
I only kind of went to Juilliard.
And by "kind of," I mean I
dated a girl that taught there.
And it was a summer course
in music theory.
Why would you lie about that?
Because you're Jordan King.
Always, I don't know,
classically trained
and always so poised.
I just thought you
might see me as an equal.
I'm not perfect, you know.
Over the past two years, I've
stolen over $130 million worth
of personal property.
What?! Girl, go off!
Ssh! Gold, jewels, cash,
cars, bonds.
I may have even stolen the
schematics for a nuclear missile.
Oh, my God.
And to think I thought I
couldn't respect you more.
- Holy shit.
- You respect me for committing felonies?
Well, no, no, I respect you
for sharing your truth with me.
Well, and also for committing felonies.
That, to me, is very cool.
But no, sharing your
truth, that shit is sacred.
I will now repay the favor by
telling you something I've
never told anyone before
- about the night I lost my virginity.
- No, no-no
It was hurricane season,
and I was wearing
- That's not necessary.
- my favorite pair of jorts.
Shut the hell up back there!
Jesus.
This fucking "Fried
Green Tomatoes" bullshit.
[clears throat]
Right, so strong
and the glasses are so
Wait, holy shit.
I've seen you.
Wait, I've seen you before.
Jordan, Jordan, I've
fucking seen this guy.
- What is that, what are you saying?
- Oh, my God.
I fucking seen this guy right here
from the Guffey Light commercials.
Wait, you're in comm
he's in commercials?
Dude, I fucking know it's you.
- Holy shit, you're literally
- Stop fucking talking, right now!
KEVIN: Come on, man! Let me out!
JORDAN: Okay.
Fine it was me.
- So what?
- Wait, wait-wait-wait, wait.
So you so you're are
you telling us you're an actor?
- He's an actor.
- Oh, my God.
You're auditioning for a
role. This is brilliant.
- This is fucking brilliant!
- Oh, I'm relieved, you're one of us!
- You're one of us!
- KEVIN: Let me out!
For the record, I wasn't
trying to fuck you.
You're more like a seven out
of ten but the zip ties?!
- The commitment?
- Yeah, and this is why you couldn't
tell us our rights, because
you don't know the protocol
I do know the protocol!
Okay, so what is it, are you
are you a beer commercial actor
or a Fed?
Both.
When I was a little baby boy
my foster dad, who I called Pee-Pop,
took me to see "Roman Inferno."
I was only five years old,
but when I saw Gene Hackman
thrust that Venetian Fauchard
deep into Marlon Brando's guts,
I knew in that moment.
Everything was distilled so clearly.
I knew what my dream was.
- Grow up and be a psychopath?
- To be an actor.
Jeez, all right.
To be an actor
in a Jackson Pepper film.
So, as soon as I turned 18,
I packed up my Subaru Baja,
and I drove across the
country to Hollywoodland.
Managed to get into commercials.
Started off with lawn turf products.
Moved on to fitness equipment ads.
And eventually, I hit
the top of the mountain.
Thirty-second beer spots.
- Is it?
- Is it?
And then
one day
my number
was finally called.
[whispering] The French
fries have gone cold.
Fisher? John Fisher?
FISHER: I'd scored an audition for a
part in Jackson Pepper's "Simple Beast".
Sure, it was just one line,
but I'd be sharing the
screen with Dustin Hoffman.
Hey, hey, Mr. Pepper
this is just such an honor.
I this is, like, all
that and a bag of chips.
Okay.
Don't need these.
[sputtering]
Yow-yow-yow-yow-yow,
MTV Raps.
The French fries have gone cold.
[sighing]
PEPPER: If they have gone cold,
the implication is they were once hot.
The disappointment of knowing the
temperature of your food has changed
without your knowledge or consent
must land with an emotional impact.
You know nothing about this character.
Next.
Thank
Thanking
Thank you.
He tore my young, aspiring,
tight thespian ass a new one.
It destroyed me.
But, hey, he was right.
[snarling]
So I did my research. I went deep.
I went so deep it hurt. [cackling]
And the next day, I marched
myself right back in there,
and I gave it my all.
[rising dramatic score]
The French fries have gone cold,
you motherfucker.
[slow clapping]
He didn't give me that one-line part.
Instead, he invited me to dinner.
PEPPER: I'd like to invite
you to dinner at my home.
FISHER: And he offered
me a leading role.
John, I'd like to offer
you a leading role.
FISHER: I would play an
FBI agent who goes rogue
and plays by his own specific,
dangerous set of rules.
You'll be playing an
FBI agent who goes rogue
and plays by his own
specific set of rules.
I asked him how can
I ever understand
what it's like to be an FBI agent
unless
I actually
become an FBI agent?
He said nothing.
He smiled and nodded.
And then he wished me
Good luck.
Wait, so you became an actual FBI agent?
Yeah.
A decade ago.
First I had to stop
with the Guffey Light,
so I got sober.
Then I got into shape.
Got my associate's
degree in criminology.
My wife, Cassandra,
she thought I was nuts.
She divorced me.
But at that point, I was already
in at the academy in Quantico.
I worked hard.
I studied my tight little ass off.
And the next thing you know, bango!
I'm a special agent in the FBI.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Fuck yeah.
[chuckling]
Oh, man.
But they stationed
me to Portland, Maine,
a million miles from Hollywood.
Bounced around, working through
the different field offices,
busting criminals
orchestrating sting
operations, filing RICO charges.
I met a prostitute named Joris.
Like Doris, but with a J.
She taught me how to play bridge.
Ended up in Phoenix.
Thought I'd never leave.
So I had to blackmail
my commanding officer,
and I got reassigned here.
Jackson Pepper's jurisdiction.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ten years.
Ten years waiting my tight little
ass off for Mr. Pepper to call.
And now all of that time
all of that time is wasted!
It's wasted!
Because you and your
little pal in the trunk
had to go and murder him.
And now all I got to show for it
is this stupid FBI badge
and an ulcer the size of Wisconsin.
[growling]
[screaming]
So right now, you're a rogue FBI agent
living by his own set
of dangerous rules.
No, no, no now I'm
just a sad sack of bones
that used to have dreams,
but now his dreams are shattered.
Oh, you know what the worst part is?
I fucking nailed being an FBI agent.
You were so good!
I had this whole
backstory, this subtext.
This obsession with fairness.
Okay, and if you want
fairness, then you must know
that Kevin did not kill him.
- It was the Venetian F
- Oh, fuck
- F-F-F? F-F-F?
- PEARL: Venetian Voolay.
- It was the Fauchard!
- The Venetian Fauchard!
[laughing] Fauchard! Fauchard!
Ehh! Wrong. If Kevin was innocent,
there's no way he would have
run away from the crime scene
and then returned to it
and tossed all the evidence
out the window like a child.
Have you ever seen a child
throw evidence out a window?
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
- Oh oh.
- [snoring]
A sleepy little guy.
Little sleepy liar.
What? You think I'm an idiot?
Aah!
Wait a minute.
The fuck you doin' no!
[screaming]
[high-pitched whine]
[muffled screams]
This is gonna be fun.
["The Nightmare Begins"
by Streets plays]
The same scene ♪
Where I lose her again and again ♪
Yeah, it's always the same ♪