Doug (1991) s03e06 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
( clamor )
Mrs. Wingo:
ROGER KLOTZ AND
CONNIE BINGE.
( sighs )
NO, NOT ME.
BOOMER BLEDSOE AND
CHALKY STUDEBAKER.
Doug:
BOY, EVERYBODY WAS NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS REPORT.
MRS. WINGO WAS PAIRING US UP
WITH OTHER STUDENTS
TO DO A REPOR
ON THEIR HOME LIFE.
EVERYBODY WAS NERVOUS
THEY'D BE PAIRED UP WITH
DOUG FUNNIE, YOU'RE WITH
PLEASE, NO, PLEASE.
AL AND MOO SLEECH.
( groaning )
THE SLEECH BROTHERS.
( giggling )
( groans )
CONGRATULATIONS,
DOUG.
OH, MAN.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
PORKCHOP, I'M HOME!
THE SLEECHES WASTED NO TIME
IN STARTING THEIR REPORT.
HELLO, DOUG FUNNIE.
HEY, GUYS, I DIDN'
EXPECT YOU YET.
NO ONE IS HERE TO INTERVIEW.
EXCUSE ME.
PARDON.
OOOH!
EXCELLENT SPECIMEN
FOR THE LAB.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME BACK LATER
AHA!
( laughing )
HUH?
OH, JUDY, YOU'RE HERE.
I AM NOT DOING
YOUR LAUNDRY.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO TALK TO THESE GUYS.
WHAT GUYS?
WELL, AL AND MOO.
HUH?
WHERE'D THEY GO?
THEY'D BETTER NO
BE IN MY ROOM.
( thumping )
DOUG FUNNIE, WE
HAVE NOW GATHERED
ENOUGH INFORMATION.
DON'T YOU WANT TO
TALK TO MY SISTER?
NO.
NO.
WAIT
WHEN SHOULD I COME
MEET YOUR FAMILY?
FAMILY?
5927, YES.
OUR FATHER IS
VERY BUSY.
WE HAVE PREPARED
THIS REPORT FOR YOU.
YOU WROTE MY REPORT?
BUT
Both:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR
TIME, DOUG FUNNIE.
SKEETER COULDN'
BELIEVE THE REPORT.
WOW, COOL GRAPHICS!
543 FEE
OF ELECTRICAL WIRING
AVERAGE TEMPERATURE,
492 DEGREES KELVIN.
I WISH WILLY WHITE
WOULD MAKE ME A REPORT.
BUT I CAN'
TURN THIS IN.
IT HAS NOTHING
ABOUT THEIR FAMILY.
CELLAR
IS VERY ROOMY.
SO, WHAT'S THE
SLEECHES' HOUSE LIKE?
I HAVEN'T EXACTLY
WHAT ARE THOSE WEIRD SMELLS
FROM THEIR BASEMENT?
YEAH, AND THA
BLACK SMOKE?
WEIRD SMELLS? SMOKE?
AND WHAT ABOUT THEIR DAD?
W-W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I LIVE NEXT DOOR,
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.
MAYBE HE'S SHY?
Roger:
OR MAYBE HE'S A
SUPER EVIL SCIENTIS
THAT STAYS
IN HIS LABORATORY
AND NEVER COMES OUT.
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT HE DOES?
W-W-WHAT?
EXPERIMENTATIONS.
EXPERIMENTATIONS?
ARE YOU SURE?
HEY, IF I'M LYIN', I'M DYIN'.
WHAT KIND OF EXPERIMENTATIONS?
YOU EVER WONDER WHY
THOSE SLEECH BROTHERS
ARE SO BRAINY?
WELL, DADDY SUPER EVIL
GENIUS SLEECH
IS MAKING SUPER-SMART BRAINIACS.
YOU KNOW WHA
HE'LL DO WITH THEM?
WHAT?
TURN US INTO SLEECHES
AND TAKE OVER BLUFFINGTON.
THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
HEY, DOUG,
CHECK THIS OUT.
IT'S MR. SLEECH'S
PROFILE.
AND IT'S
TOTALLY CENSORED.
WELL, WHATEVER
THEIR DAD DOES
AL AND MOO SURE DON'
WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
( evil laughter )
I'VE DONE IT!
IT'S ALIVE!
ANOTHER SUCCESS, FATHER.
WE ARE VERY LUCKY.
NOW WE HAVE
Both:
SISTERS!
( cackling )
AFTER ALL THAT STUFF FROM ROGER
TURNING IN AL AND MOO'S REPOR
SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
I SPENT HOURS TRYING TO DECIDE.
WHY NOT JUST WRITE DOWN
WHAT ROGER TOLD US?
WHAT IF ROGER MADE
ALL THAT UP?
GUESS YOU GET AN "F."
GREAT.
IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD
NO CHOICE BUT TO GO TO
( thunder )
THE SLEECHES'.
WHO IS IT?
DOUG FUNNIE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I CAME TO DO MY REPORT.
WE GAVE IT TO YOU.
BUT I CAN'T JUS
TURN IN YOUR REPORT.
I'VE GOT TO
INTERVIEW YOUR DAD.
( thunder )
SHUT UP.
ENTER
OUR FATHER WILL BE
READY IN 54 SECONDS.
DOUG FUNNIE,
THIS IS OUR FATHER.
HUH?
GOOD EVENING, DOUG FUNNIE
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
THAT'S JUST AL
WITH A FAKE MOUSTACHE.
NO, IT'S NOT, I'M HIM.
DID YOU HAVE SOME QUESTIONS?
COME ON, GUYS,
I'LL GET AN "F."
NOW, WHERE'S
YOUR REAL DAD?
HMM
HMM
YOU ARE VERY OBSERVANT.
MY FATHER IS NOT HOME.
HE'S DOING SECRE
EXPERIMENTATIONS.
I GUESS
I CAN'T FLUNK
IF HE'S NOT HOME.
CAN I AT LEAS
SEE YOUR HOUSE?
THREE SEVEN.
HMM
YOU MAY SEE OUR ROOM.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
STAY OUT.
"DO NOT ENTER WHEN
RED LIGHT IS ON."
VERY DANGEROUS.
THIS IS OUR ROOM.
SO, THIS IS
YOUR ROOM.
COOL, BUNK BEDS
WHO GETS THE TOP?
WE ALTERNATE.
WHAT, WEEKLY, MONTHLY?
EVERY FOUR HOURS.
( laughs weakly )
GOOD ONE.
EH HUH?
WOW!
THIS IS BRIAN.
WE SPEND HOURS
PLAYING TOGETHER.
DO YOU HAVE ANY GAMES FOR THIS?
GLOREK!
GLOREK!
MAKE YOURSELF
INVISIBLE
OR YOU WILL
SURELY PERISH.
I GUESS I'LL
JUST WATCH.
DANGER, TRAP DOOR!
BEWARE THE GLOREK!
Both:
GLOREK!
( sighs )
AGAIN I AM TRIUMPHANT.
YOUR PRIDE SHALL
BE YOUR DOWNFALL.
AHEM WELL, IT'S BEEN
REALLY GREAT WATCHING YOU
BUT I'D BETTER GO--
IT'S ALMOST 10:00.
10:00?!
10:00?!
( gasp )
( gasp )
( screaming )
( screaming )
FATHER'S COMING.
DADDY'S HOME.
RUN.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE
BUT FATHER, WE LIKED HIM.
CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE HIM
A BRAINIAC SLEECH?
BUT SONS, HE KNOWS
TOO MUCH ABOUT US.
BESIDES, WON'T HE LOOK
WONDERFUL ON YOUR SHELF?
HELP, LET ME OUT
I'M TELLING!
( evil laughter )
( gasping )
HURRY,
YOU MUST GO.
Man:
WHO ARE YOU?
DON'T TELL HIM.
RUN AWAY.
HELLO, MR. SLEECH,
I-I-I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
OH, YOU'RE THE ONE THE BOYS
INTERVIEWED THE OTHER DAY.
NOW I GUESS
IT'S OUR TURN.
I-I THINK
I KNOW ENOUGH.
NONSENSE-- YOU'VE
COME ALL THIS WAY
YOU MUST SEE WHERE I
DO MY EXPERIMENTATIONS.
( Doug groaning )
Mr. Sleech:
HAD ENOUGH?
FOUR DOUGHNUTS IS
MY LIMIT, MR. SLEECH.
THERE'S PLENTY MORE.
BOY, I WOULD HAVE NEVER PICTURED
YOU A BAKER, MR. SLEECH.
THE HOURS ARE TERRIBLE--
I WORK ALL NIGH
BUT I LOVE IT.
IN FACT, I BUILT MY OWN
PRIVATE BAKERY DOWN HERE.
I COME DOWN HERE
AND EXPERIMENT.
I'M CREATING THE
PERFECT DOUGHNUT.
I HAD YOU PICTURED
DIFFERENTLY
ESPECIALLY WITH WELL
BOYS LIKE AL AND MOO?
IT SURPRISES ME, TOO
A WORKING STIFF LIKE ME
WITH A COUPLE OF EINSTEINS.
( groans )
I GUESS I
EMBARRASSES THEM
THAT THEIR OLD DAD
IS A BAKER
INSTEAD OF SOME
BRAINY SCIENTIST.
SO THAT WAS IT--
AL AND MOO WERE ASHAMED
THAT THEIR DAD WASN'
A SUPER EVIL GENIUS.
THE NEXT DAY WE GAVE
OUR PRESENTATIONS.
THE FUNNIES REVEAL
A WELL-NOURISHED
FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIP.
HAMPERED ONLY BY
AN INATTENTIVENESS
TO THE WONDERS
OF SCIENCE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, THE NEXT REPOR
IS FROM DOUG FUNNIE
AND HE VISITED
AL AND MOO SLEECH.
AHEM MAD SCIENTISTS,
SCARY LABORATORIES
WEIRD EXPERIMENTATIONS--
THIS IS HOW WE THINK OF
THE SLEECHES.
IN FACT, I ASKED MR. SLEECH
HIMSELF TO COME TODAY
WITH ONE OF HIS
EXPERIMENTATIONS.
DO YOU KIDS LIKE
DOUGHNUTS?
HUH?
HUH?
WHAT?
SO, IN CONCLUSION,
THOSE ARE THE SLEECHES.
CLASS DISMISSED.
SO I GAVE MY REPORT,
AND HOPEFULLY AL AND MOO REALIZE
THAT EVEN THOUGH THEIR DAD
ISN'T A SUPER EVIL GENIUS
HE STILL MAKES A GREAT DOUGHNUT.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY LUCK--
JUDY WAS TAKING
HER DRIVER'S LICENSE TEST
THE SAME DAY I OVERHEARD
I WISH
YOU COULD COME
TO BUMPER CAR MANIA
THIS WEEKEND
BUT I CAN'T LEAVE
SMIDGEN BEHIND.
SHE LOVES
BUMPER CARS.
DO YOU HATE ME
FOREVER?
I'M SURE I'LL FIND
SOME WAY OUT THERE.
AHEM YOU
COULD GO WITH ME.
REALLY?
MY SISTER COULD TAKE US.
SHE GETS HER
DRIVER'S LICENSE TODAY.
SURE YOU DON'
MIND TAKING ME?
MIND?
OH, DOUG, THIS
IS SO ROMANTIC--
JUST YOU, ME
AND YOUR
SISTER JUDY.
BEAUTIFUL DREAMER,
WAKE UNTO ME
STARLIGHT
HERE'S TO US
AND JUDY'S
DRIVER'S LICENSE.
OKAY, JUDY,
LET'S GO.
( engine races )
( tires screech )
YOU'RE WONDERFUL!
WHOA!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
PERFECT-- A DATE WITH PATTI
AND MY PARENTS
DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE US.
I JUST HAD TO BRIBE JUDY
INTO TAKING US.
HELLO, DOUGLAS.
HI, MOM.
HEY, JUDY, UM
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
I CAN'T TALK NOW.
HOW WAS THE DRIVER'S TEST?
DRIVER'S TEST?
HA! I DON'T NEED
TO DRIVE.
I AM AN ARTIST--
I AM MY OWN VEHICLE.
ARE YOU SAYING
YOU DIDN'T TAKE IT?
I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
BUT BUT JUDY
I PROMISED OH, MAN.
IT LOOKED LIKE
MY DATE WITH PATTI
WAS OVER BEFORE IT STARTED.
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU
TAKE THE TEST?
IF YOU DON'T GE
YOUR LICENSE I WON'T
I MEAN, YOU'LL
ALWAYS NEED RIDES.
OH
OH, WHAT'S
THE BIG DEAL
ABOUT DRIVING,
ANYWAY?
CARS ARE SO
PEDESTRIAN.
BUT ALMOST EVERY 16-YEAR-OLD
IN BLUFFINGTON DRIVES.
I NEED A MORE EXPRESSIVE MODE
OF TRANSPORTATION.
I'LL STAR
A NEW TREND.
THAT'S WHAT BEING AN ARTIST
OW! IS ALL ABOUT.
BUT FOR SIX MONTHS,
YOU'VE TALKED OF NOTHING
BUT GETTING YOUR LICENSE.
MAYBE I DID
TAKE THE TEST
IF YOU COULD
CALL IT A TEST.
THE INSTRUCTOR
HAD NO IMAGINATION.
IMAGINATION?
SO WHA
IF MY DRIVING
WAS A LITTLE
IMPROVISATIONAL?
IS THERE A LAW
AGAINST THAT?
IS INJECTING A LITTLE CREATIVITY
INTO YOUR DRIVING
ANY REASON
TO FAIL YOU?
FAIL?
( door slams )
I KNEW IT--
SHE REALLY
WANTED TO DRIVE.
IF I CAN JUST GET HER TO PASS
THAT TEST BEFORE TOMORROW
SAY, UH, JUDY
WANT TO
CHALLENGE US
TO A GAME
OF DINODRIVERS?
IF YOU WIN, YOU GET TO PARK
IN THE WINNER'S CIRCLE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
I TOLD YOU, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT DRIVING.
AND WHAT COULD
THAT GAME TEACH ME?
THE MALL HAS
DINODRIVERS II--
WANT TO GO?
WHAT IS THIS THING YOU HAVE
ABOUT ME LEARNING TO DRIVE?
OH, UH, I JUST WANT YOU
TO HAVE THE FREEDOM
I HAVE FREEDOM.
ONCE THE SUN HITS THESE
SOLAR-POWERED SKATES
MY PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
AND I'M OUT OF HERE.
( shrieking )
OH
MY CAR HAS EXPLODED
THREE TIMES.
THIS ISN'T WORKING!
IT'S YOUR WIG-- IT'S SLIPPING.
IF I'M RECOGNIZED,
I'LL BE RUINED.
GIVE ME
ANOTHER QUARTER.
AND DON'
CALL ME JUDY.
CALL ME
VIOLET.
WATCH THE
CAVEMAN, JUDY
I MEAN, VIOLET.
PLEASE, DOUG,
I AM NOT BLIND.
( tires screech )
35 GAMES LATER, JUDY
UH, VIOLET
WAS FINALLY GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.
THAT'S IT, VIOLET.
DODGE THE HOT LAVA
AND YOU'RE HOME FREE.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S
( crash )
WHAT DO DINOSAURS
HAVE TO DO WITH
DRIVING?
THIS GAME IS VERY
POORLY CONCEIVED.
TEACHING JUDY WAS HOPELESS.
AT THIS RATE,
I'D GET MY LICENSE FIRST.
AFTER ALL, I HOLD THE 11th-PLACE
SCORE FOR DINODRIVERS II.
Patti:
WATCH OUT FOR
THAT VOLCANO!
HA, HA! I LAUGH
AT DANGER, PATTI.
BUT DOUG, WHAT ABOU
THE TWO-MILE-WIDE
CANYON UP AHEAD?
NO PROBLEM.
( Patti screaming )
WHOA!
OH, DOUG, YOU'RE SUCH
A DINO DAREDEVIL!
Patti:
DOUG? DOUG,
IS THAT YOU?
PATTI!
HOW WAS YOUR SISTER'S
DRIVING TEST?
OH, UM, JUST FINE.
WE'RE ON FOR TOMORROW?
SURE, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
Judy:
DOUG!
SEE YOU
TOMORROW, PATTI.
SEE YOU.
PHEW!
DOUG!
PARALLEL PARKING!
YOU DIDN'T MENTION
PARALLEL PARKING.
IT'S EASY--
BACK UP
I CAN'T!
THAT'S THE PART OF THE TES
I FAILED!
IT'S EASY--
JUST TAKE IT SLOW.
Dino loser, dino loser,
dino loser
MAYBE IF PATTI AND I
STARTED NOW
WE COULD PEDAL
TO BUMPER CAR MANIA.
I'M SORRY MY SISTER
COULDN'T TAKE US, PATTI.
BUT DON'T WORRY, WE'LL
GET THERE BEFORE IT
WHOA!
OOH, GROSS.
CLOSES.
PATTI, WHAT HAPPENED?
HEY, BEEBE, CAN YOU GIVE ME
A REAL RIDE HOME
AND SAVE ME FROM THIS
THIS LOSER?!
( laughing )
Doug:
COME ON, JUDY,
DON'T GIVE UP YET.
I AM AN ACTRESS,
NOT A TRUCK DRIVER.
AN ACTRESS!
BUT JUDY
AN ACTRESS!!!
( gasps )
AN ACTRESS! THAT'S IT, PORKCHOP!
Judy:
THIS BRILLIANT IDEA
BETTER BE GOOD, DOUG.
IT IS-- HERE'S THE DEAL.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
A PART, LIKE IN A MOVIE
AND I WANT YOU
TO ACT IT OUT.
DOUGIE
THE DAY YOU DIRECT ME,
I WILL JUST
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'LL DO.
( horn honks )
PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
MOTHER!
Doug:
OKAY, YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT.
YOU'VE STOLEN
A SUPER-ADVANCED SPY CAR
AND NOW YOU HAVE
TO PARALLEL PARK I
RIGHT THERE.
THAT IS THE STUPIDES
PLOT I EVER HEARD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO I MEAN?
WHAT'S MY
MOTIVATION, DOUG?
WHAT AM I THINKING?
HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF
AN OBSTACLE, AN OBJECTIVE?
OH, JUDITH!
YOU'LL MISS
THE TURN.
EVERYTHING IS PERFECTLY
UNDER CONTROL.
OKAY OKAY
YOU'RE BLIND, AND PEOPLE TELL
YOU YOU'LL NEVER PARALLEL PARK.
NOW YOU CAN
PROVE THEM WRONG.
YEAH-- BY PARKING THERE.
DOUGIE, THINK-- IF I'M BLIND,
HOW CAN I BE DRIVING?
ELEMENTARY PLOT PROBLEMS.
OH, JUDITH, CAN'T YOU
GIVE YOUR BROTHER A BREAK?
HE'S TRYING TO HELP.
MOTHER, CAN'T YOU SEE
HOW STUPID THIS IS?
IF YOU UNDERSTOOD
ANYTHING ABOUT ACTING
STOP LIGHT, STOP LIGHT!
( screech of tires )
OKAY, YOU'RE
A POLICEWOMAN
AND YOU SPO
A ROBBERY.
DOUGIE, JUST FORGET IT.
BUT YOU HAVEN'
EVEN TRIED YET!
I THINK WE SHOULD GO HOME.
NO! JUDY, YOU HAVE
TO PARALLEL PARK.
YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR LICENSE.
I PROMISED PATTI YOU'D TAKE US
TO BUMPER CAR
MANIA TOMORROW.
Judy:
EXCUSE ME?
YOU PROMISED I WOULD
DRIVE YOU WHERE?
( horns honking )
I'M SORRY, JUDY.
ALL THAT STUFF ABOU
"TRYING TO HELP YOUR SISTER."
Girl:
LEARN TO
DRIVE, PAL!
LEARN TO CHILL OU
JENNY TOMLINSON!
JUDY!
Judy:
DOUGLAS YANCEY FUNNIE,
IF YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN COMMIT ME
TO DRIVE YOU
UH, JUDY
DON'T INTERRUPT!
I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL CHAUFFEUR
AND YOU HAVE NO RIGH
TO MAKE PROMISES FOR ME!
YES, I'M SORRY,
BUT GUESS WHAT?
WHAT?!
YOU JUS
PARALLEL PARKED.
I WHAT?
I PARALLEL PARKED.
I PARALLEL PARKED!
I PARALLEL PARKED!
SO IT TURNED OUT JUDY COULD
PARALLEL PARK JUST FINE
ONCE SHE STOPPED
THINKING ABOUT IT.
AND NOW SHE HAS HER LICENSE,
SHE DRIVES WHENEVER SHE CAN--
INCLUDING TAKING PATTI AND ME
TO BUMPER CAR MANIA.
WHOA!
GET OFF THE ROAD!
ACTUALLY, I THINK SHE LIKES
DRIVING A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
Doug:
JUDY, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Judy:
MOVE IT, DOUGIE!
OUT OF THE WAY!
HEY, WHERE'D YOU LEARN
TO DRIVE?!
STEP ON IT!
YEAH, YOUR HORN WORKS
HOW ABOUT YOUR BRAIN?!