Eastbound & Down s03e06 Episode Script

Hey, Brenda! Kenny's coming for a visit with his new baby.
We're gonna have to change the sheets in the guest room, and make sure there is no medication lying around.
Got it, got it.
Gonna be fun.
WOMAN: Hello? Good time with that baby.
Good to see my baby This is a league game.
You can't just leave early, or you'll be disqualified.
So you'd rather win this in a weasel way than settle this on the boards? Speaking of the boards, let me just Yep, I'm still ahead.
(CHUCKLES) So why don't you decide, Tammy.
You want me to win by points or disqualification? Well, whatever.
I've got more important shit in my life than arguing with your dumb ass.
My famous baseball-player son is coming for a visit with his new baby.
And would this be the son that got busted doing steroids and had that prostitution scandal? You must be very proud.
Oh! I guess you win by disqualification.
You're the champ.
Soak it up, tomato face.
(GUITAR ROCK PLAYING) (BRING IT ON HOME TO ME PLAYING) I got the baby.
I got the baby.
Well goddamn.
Somebody's doing pretty good for themselves, I see.
All right.
Let's go over some ground rules.
First off, go along with everything I say.
You can't just walk right in there and ask her to raise your baby right off the bat.
Let me moisten her up a little bit first.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) I feel like I have blood in my wiener when I get excited.
(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Maria! (SIGHS) Steven Where are you? EDUARDO: Your marriage is over.
Now sack the fuck up, or you're gonna walk back to Myrtle.
No loose canons on this mission.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? We are.
Goddamn right! Let's go.
Oh, my goodness.
(GASPS) My boy.
How you doin', mama? My baby.
So good to see you.
(GASPS) And my grandbaby, you sweet thing.
He's getting so big.
And so handsome, just like his daddy.
Oh, yes he is.
Oh, you sweet thing, you sweet thing.
Okay, now.
Who are these people? Uh, well, Mom, uhthe man made of skin here is my nanny-slash-assistant, and this disabled mouth-breather minority is my personal chef.
Well, big celeb, excuse me, got your own nanny and a chef.
Yeah, you know this is just a sampling of the Hollywood dream life I live.
I have a whole staff and slew of people at my estate back at the beach, yeah.
I have a personal hygienist, uh, obsti-nutrionist person (TAMMY LAUGHS) a magician-ist Well, you brought the whole damned entourage, my famous son? That's right.
TAMMY: Well, come on in.
(COUGHING) Actually, there is one other member of my elite entourage.
A surprise member.
Did somebody say "long-lost husband"? (EDUARDO AND CASPER LAUGHING) Well, fuck me.
Tammy! Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy! By God, you look as rgeous as I remember.
You know, 27 years is a damn long trip to the store for cigarettes.
(LAUGHS) Well, I lied to you about that.
I'm sorry, honey.
I wasn't really going to the store for cigarettes.
Yeah? No shit.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
(LAUGHING) You perfidious prick.
(THUMP) Oh! Ooh! Oh, fuck my ass! Oh! (PANTING) I must say, that felt good.
I think it's going away.
No! There it goes to my stomach.
I want you to come on, get your asses in the house here, before the neighbors start talking.
EDUARDO: Okay.
She got you good.
That was right in your balls.
Crazy.
Whoo! I don't know how you can trust that bald one with the baby.
Kenny, you remember my assistant, Brenda? Oh, what the fuck's up, Brenda? I remember you.
You still smoke those Chihuahua dicks? That's right.
Mom, you've been working with Brenda for a long time, now.
Yes I have, and Brenda, that smiley shithead with the hat is my ex-husband, Eddie Powers.
You've heard the stories.
EDUARDO: Oh my God, look at this.
You You still got our special silverware! That was the wedding gift that my mom and daddy gave us.
It's been in our family for years.
It dates back to the 1800s.
We were so in love back then.
Oh, kiss my ass.
Kenny, I want to show you my trophy room.
Trophy room? I've got about four new trophies since you last saw it, Son.
Yeah, um, I'm gonna go check out some trophies, dudes.
TAMMY: Uh-huh.
KENNY: Let's check 'em out.
You made this stuff? BRENDA: Just the clothes.
Bodies hand painted by little Mexicans.
My wife was Mexican before she left me.
I'm sorry.
I came inside another woman.
So she left me.
God damn it, Kenny.
No heads-up or anything? Five minutes with that asshole and I have a migraine already.
What are you holding? Let's see.
I've got Percocet, and uh and I've got muscle relaxers.
Oh, shit.
That's pretty sweet.
Oh, sick, suppositories.
You know, you mix the Percocet with the Xanie, it's almost like heroin.
Is it really? Mm-hmm.
That's what I heard.
Why in the hell didn't you tell me that before? Yeah, I'm just rockin' this Adderall here.
Keeps me focused.
Even if it does give me a dry-ass mouth and occasional constipation.
I like those.
I'd ke to have some of those.
Yep.
Shit gets real when you're on the verge of a comeback.
There you go.
Oh, look at this.
My God, those are IRs and 20s, too.
Mm-hmm.
Can I have Mmm.
Not bad.
What is it you want? Well, I'd love to have just a few of the muscle relaxers, and a little maybe of those other ones.
Oh, I do feel that, it's good.
Yeah, that's cool, huh? Damn, I like that.
Yeah, that's what all the young kids are fuckin' with these days.
Loosens you up.
Whoa! Knock, knock.
Oh, Lord.
EDUARDO: How we all doin'? Doin' cool, just trying to talk to mom Oh my God, look at that bulletin board! Let me ask you something.
Who is that strapping young athlete right there? It's me.
We done good, didn't we? (GIGGLES) What's this "we" shit, white man? (GIGGLES) Call me crazy, but I missed that sharp tongue of yours.
Not to mention them long legs.
Okay, I don't want to see any of this shit, yeah.
Don't you breathe on me like that.
Oh, speaking of missing, I am missing my daily lane time.
Oh, I got a hell of an idea.
Why don't we go along and support you, as a family? (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) All right, all right, all right! Whoo! Now that's what I call a strike.
Oh, well that's what everybody calls a strike, asshole.
Still that same old firecracker that I used to get boners for.
I hope you're not having trouble getting boners these days, Eddie.
Oh, hell no.
I still achieve powerful, long-lasting boners.
Oh, my God.
You really knew how to light my fire back then.
You think you could still do that? I think I could stick a match up your ass.
(CACKLES) Have a look at me, woman.
I'm still in pretty good shape.
Your little butt and I are not on speaking terms.
Well, you better start chatting it up, then.
(LAUGHS) Look at that con man, out there prancing his ass in Mom's face.
Got her laughing and shit.
He's got a special touch with the ladies.
All the men in our family have the special touch.
Don't put yourself in that category, Casper.
You ain't got no special touches.
Don't act like you're gettin' pussy.
Me? I fuck like TT Boy.
You don't know what I do.
(SCOFFS) You fuck like TT Boy, the porn star? CASPER: Yes.
KENNY: What'd you do with the last chick you fucked? Fingers, ass, pubic play.
Pubic play? What exactly is that? That's when you put your pubic hairs together, and you go like this.
You just mash your pubic hairs together? You could start a fuckin' rug fire doing that.
Looks like your dad's gonna get balls deep in your mom tonight.
That means there's hope for me and Maria.
Hey, well guess what.
Fuck hope, all right? I need you to focus on my goals right now.
What the hell are you doing with Toby? You're hoggin' him, man.
Go give him to my mom! Right now, Pop's getting all the face time.
Well, maybe I should just fucking kill myself! Well maybe you should go grow some fucking eyebrows! Get outta here, man.
Act like a little bitch.
Combo, 1 ball off the side part to the 3, and to the other part.
Nice.
(LAUGHING) You had the wrong ball.
Ow.
Fuckin'I dare you.
KENNY: Get the fuck off of me, you're all fucking sweaty.
Get off! Get off! Get off! Go! EDUARDO: Is it, is it a buffalo? Video games.
No.
How the fuck is that video games? Just look what I'm drawing.
Uh, uh, is it a goat in a gate? CASPER: Video games.
(LAUGHING) CASPER: Video games, video games! It is not fucking video games! Jesus Christ! EDUARDO: Is that a three-legged dog? KENNY: No it's not a three-legged dog.
Sweetheart, you have to show him the pictures.
EDUARDO: All right, all right, it's an angel in a car KENNY: No.
EDUARDO: It's an angel It's a girl with her head smashed in! (BEEPS) You're not even on our team! He's not on our team.
Time's up! Time's up! Girls win! Girls win.
Yay! It's a fucking poncho.
Oh! I can see that.
EDUARDO: Are you kidding me? Good thing you can throw a baseball, 'cause you can't draw for shit.
You draw like a retard.
(ALL LAUGHING) I'm not bad at drawing.
Stop it.
Well, okay now, that's, that's all about all I can take for excitement in one night.
That's plenty for me.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Hold on, hold on a minute, Tammy.
Hold on, hold on.
I, uh I got, I have something I wanna say, and I want everybody here to bear witness.
I, uh It's hard.
I've been gone a long time.
And I didn't know exactly what it would be like when I came back, and you all have made me feel so at home, in spite of the fact that we've been apart all these years.
And II want to assure you, all of you, that I'm gonna do everything I can, to make things right.
And I'm, I'm sorry it took me so long to come to my senses.
I sincerely hope that you'll accept my apology.
Okay.
That's the end of the speech.
I'm gonna go to bed, too, and I'm gonna go out and sleep out there in the RV.
I don't wanna impose.
And I want this relationship to go slow.
No need to sleep outside.
You can sleep in there, on the couch.
Really? I don't mind sleeping outside.
No, outside is for the dogs.
Inside is for family.
Okay.
And the garage is for cars.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Gettin' ready for bed? I'm just chillin'.
Just looking at some old stuff.
Kenny, shame on you.
What did I say about you smokin' weed around me? That I have to share.
(LAUGHING) Yes, that's right.
Well thank you, Son.
You're welcome.
I don't suppose (STRAINED) any boy wants to party with his mama.
What's eatin' at you, Son? It's just tough in Myrtle.
I'm stressed out about April, Toby, fuckin' Russian people Oh, Doschenka-something? I read all about him.
Flavor of the month.
We'll see where he is in fifteen years.
See, this is why you're an awesome parent.
It's because, like, you're really good at like, building me up, and like, makin' me feel good about myself.
Unlike April, the fuckin' runaway mom.
Oh, now, it's a hard thing to forgive, isn't it? I've still got a lot of anger toward Eddie, too.
But I'm trying to be better about it.
No good lugging a lot of hate around.
It will give you ass cancer.
Yeah, ain't trying to fuck around with cancer in my asshole or nothin'.
I'm more or less just kind of worried about Toby.
I mean, it does seem pretty important to have a female lady person in their life.
No, that doesn't matter.
You're better off than a lot of folks.
You've got a nanny and everything.
(TOKES) Yeah, well, that's Little baby Toby, he's got a great life.
Don't you cut me off now.
No, no To see you end up such a good dad, I don't know where you learned it.
Definitely not from Eddie.
You make me so happy.
Yeah, well Okay, now, your turn.
What'd you want to talk to me about? Nothing.
Let's hit the sack, huh? It's been a long day.
We've been playing goddamn Pictionary, smokin' weed, it's probably time to call this a night.
Yeah, goodnight, baby.
(MERMEN CHEERING) Ivan! Ivan! Ivan! Ivan! Ivan! (CHANTING IN RUSSIAN) All right, Casper, I've got it.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
What the hell are you guys doing? Oh.
Hello, Son.
What, are you guys bailing? You're moving out? I thought you were trying to get back with Mom? Oh, I got her back.
I got her back, front, and side-to-side.
Bullshit.
There is no way she fuckin' let you sleep with her.
Yep.
It almost didn't happen, though.
I had to jerk myself off, play with her pussy a little bit.
But in the end, we got it on.
Mission accomplished.
Goodbye forever, Son.
(METAL CRASHES) Rats.
Okay, what in the hell's going on in here? It's all right, Mom.
I just caught these two tryin' to bolt after Dad made sweet love to you, and now he's runnin' off with all your goddamn treasures and jewels.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Made what to me? To make love to you.
TAMMY: Oh, that is not true.
No, he said that he jerked himself off, and then Wait, are you lying? Goddamn it, I demand to know the truth! (METAL CRASHES) All right.
You want the truth? Fine! I came here to rob your mother.
Does it make you feel good to know that I lied to you about fucking your mother? When, actually, I only got one of the best blowjobs of my entire life.
Oh, fuck this.
I'm going back to bed.
We worked this one out together.
I came here to be with you.
Oh, you did not.
Open your eyes! He came here to ditch the kid! No, I didn't.
No.
You take it back.
I know that's not true.
(WHISPERING) Don't.
Sorry, Tammy.
Maybe in the next life.
Well, just go on, get the hell out.
Lights, Casper.
(METAL CLANKING) I can barely see anything.
TAMMY: There he is.
I can't believe it, it's I mean, for him to say something like you came here to get rid of your baby.
That is so unforgivable.
It's not true.
It couldn't possibly be true.
Is it? Well, I didn't come here to get rid of him.
I was kind of envisioning it as more of a loan program.
It's just really, really super hard for me to be the man there, and also have a son.
I mean, how can I just fucking kick ass all the time, if I gotta do all this father shit constantly? I mean, I like Toby, I think that he's awesome, but, he just is really fucking up my shit! I mean, he's the whole entire reason why April left in the first place! Oh, yeah, now that's enough of that garbage.
(CHUCKLING) My God.
I am sorry that April hurt your ass, and I'm sorry that things are tough with baseball.
We all have hard times, even champions.
Son, the truth is, is that someday baseball will end.
And April may never come back.
But Toby will always be your son.
I've tried, Mom.
And I can't.
I can't do it.
It's super hard to be Charles in Charge when you're not fuckin' Scott Baio.
Just go to bed.
It's fine.
I'll take Toby.
I guess you'll be leaving in the morning.
I mean, I could go to your tournament if you still want me to Oh, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
You got what you came here for.
(COOING) (CRYING) Don't hold this shit against me, okay? This is the only way.
(COUGHING) Take it easy, buddy.
(COOING) Guess it's just you and me.
Two broken men.
Fuck that.
It's a glorious day for redemption, Steven.
What the fuck? What the hell are you doing here? Same as you, I guess.
Both just tragic heroes in the book of life.
We're not so different, you and I.
That's bullshit.
I'm absolutely nothing like you.
EDUARDO: Really? You didn't leave your family and then come here to get 'em back? Maybe that one thing is slightly similar.
BOWLERS: Let's go, Bobbi.
Come on, Bobbi! Watch this, bitch.
(CHEERING) (VOICES FADE OUT) I'm all up in your kitchen, bitch.
(CHUCKLES) It's the last frame.
If you don't roll triple strikes, the trophy is mine.
Back up.
BOBBI'S TEAM: That's right.
All right.
Go girl! VIPs.
Move it.
EDUARDO: Tammy Powers! What? What? EDUARDO: I want you to listen to me, please.
It's me, Eddie! I've come back for you, darlin'! Mom, it's also me, Kenny! And I've come back to reclaim my son! Get off the lanes, you fucking idiots! This is a championship game! CROWD: Yeah.
Silence, ho! Shut up, bitch! I admit that walking out on you last night and stealing your silverware was almost unforgivable.
KENNY: And I, also, would like to admit that leaving my son in the care of my mom due to high levels of stress in my baseball career was also a very bad thing.
Until today, I thought that I was invincible.
That a, a steady diet of international trim was all I needed to survive and thrive.
(CHUCKLING) So I blissfully banged away half of Mexico.
Until I realized that I wasn't really happy.
I was just trying to fill the Tammy-sized hole in my heart, with the holes of ridiculously beautiful prostitutes.
And I also have thought that raising a child is primarily woman's work, and to be honest, I still do believe that shit.
It is! (CROWD RUMBLING DISSENT) No? If my madre is strong enough to be a man, then Kenny Powers is certainly strong enough to be a fucking woman.
(CROWD CHATTERING) Tammy, for all the heartbreak I have caused you, and I've caused some, I, I'm sorry and I, I want you back.
Forever.
And I also want to tell you that I am sorry.
And I'd like back my son.
Forever.
Or at least until April returns to claim him.
BOTH: We love you.
It's true you both have hurt me deeply.
But I'm no saint.
And I have done my fair share of fucked-up shit, too.
So it wouldn't be fair to judge two men who have either entered, Eddie, or exited, Kenny, my vagina.
But your speeches have shown me that you really do care.
And I accept your apologies.
Yeah! CROWD: Aw.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) My son! Come on, baby! Guess who's back, motherfucker? I said I forgive you.
TAMMY: I never said I've been patient enough.
And now, watch me bury this bozo.
(CHEERING) Yes! (CHEERING) WOMAN: That's it, Tam! (INAUDIBLE) (CHEERING) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (LAUGHING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERING) Go on, go on.
The speech was good.
Yeah, yours wasn't too bad, either.
You get that from me, you know.
Your throwing arm, that's from your mama.
But your oratin' skills, that's all me.
Yeah, well I can definitely see similarities in our styles.
Your bald head actually doesn't look that bad.
Oh, thank you.
I like the hair that's on your shoulders and your neck.
(CHUCKLES) TAMMY: Hey! Hold on, hold on.
You're not taking my grandbaby on that thing.
Well, how the hell do you expect us to get back to Myrtle? Oh, no, no.
Not my grandbaby.
You take the minivan.
Oh, fuck no.
I'm not driving the minivan.
TAMMY: Oh, hell you are.
Listen to your mom, Son.
TAMMY: Don't you tell me you're not.
(FADES OUT) You cannot take a baby KENNY: Chapter six.
Fucking making straight-up decisions now, dude.
As my epic comeback nears its zenith, I can't help but look back at the low times when there was no hope or light.
There's an old expression that has guided me through the dark valleys and hazy cul-de-sacs of life.
"Nut up, or sack up.
" It means when life gets you all swirly and thought-ridden, shut it out, and let the two spherical sperm factories underneath your dick take over.
They don't think, they don't get confused.
They churn, and attack.
And in moments of doubt, my default setting is always to attack.
Whether it be a hitter, or an ump, or a loved one who has stepped out of line.
Not everyone can achieve their dreams in this world.
That's because most people have things like feelings, and sentimental attachments.
Nagging shit that keeps them from making the tough decisions that are necessary to get to the ultimate top.
Unfortunately, the rocket ship of fame has only room for one.
Any added baggage will just weigh you down.
Hold you back from shooting for the fuckin' stars.
Blast off, bitch.