Faking It (2014) s03e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on Faking It When is that six-month, no dating thing over? Midnight New Year's Eve.
You want to grab coffee sometime? I'd like that.
Liam! You need to find a new temple.
- I missed us.
- Me too.
Of course you dumped our plan to help Karma.
Karma and I are best friends.
- You and I are sisters.
- Stop saying we're sisters.
I'm moving out.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Lauren's been giving me the coldest shoulder ever since she moved out.
And it's already been arctic.
Ugh.
What should I do? Uh-huh.
So true.
Weight in gold Call me anxious call me broke Karma.
Stop eye-humping Liam.
That is not what I was doing.
Oh, yeah? Then why are your party hats showing? I rest my case.
I can't help it.
He's gorgeous.
And if my dad didn't have a heart attack, we would probably be together.
Well, you're not gonna tell him that now, are you? He's already dating someone new.
I know.
I just don't get it.
I know deep down the universe wants us to be together.
(LAUGHS) Well, then the universe is a real dick.
Karma, you're only craving Liam because you can't have him.
It's human nature.
Okay, there is some truth to that statement.
I learned this summer that a steamy make out session with a hot stranger can do wonders.
It really re-boots the hard drive.
For as long as we've known each other, you've been obsessed with having a boyfriend.
Maybe set your sights on something a little more casual this time? Well, this weekend is the Haunted Hester party.
Supposedly, everyone who goes hooks up.
Even the chaperones.
Yeah, you can dress up as a slutty version of something not slutty.
Oh, no.
I am only going if you come with me.
I don't care if you're saving yourself for Felix.
(SCOFFS) Saving myself? Felix and I shared one kiss at prom, and on our second date, he went to rehab.
It's like the start of a Shailene Woodley movie! Yeah, and those always end really well.
No, trust me, I am a free agent.
And I am hooking up.
And so are you! (SIGHS) Great.
Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Morning, muffin.
I brought you a morning muffin.
Lauren! I'm sorry I screwed up our parent trap.
Clearly, I suck at balancing relationships, but I'm trying to get better, and I'm not gonna let you shut me out of your life.
We both know you're dying to show off your new apartment.
It's a condo, and it's very much a work in progress.
Whoa.
Holy HGTV makeover.
I can't believe your dad's paying for all of this.
Perks of being a show pony.
Besides, now he has a place to stay when he comes to visit, and I don't have to be inconvenienced by his marital mistakes.
Okay, it might be a little harder to convince you to move back in with us.
Save your breath.
I'm in high school with my own condo.
I'd say my aspirational lifestyle brand just got a bit more aspirational.
Excuse me.
Lauren, how much starch would you like on this collar? Full starch, thank you.
Also, I can't do my shift tonight.
My mom says I have to sleep at home at least three nights a week.
(SIGHS) It's times like this I miss old Lisbeth.
(SCOFFS) "Shift"? There's so much work to be done with my brand and such, I need round-the-clock assistance.
Mm.
You're afraid to stay alone in this apartment, aren't you? - First, it's a condo! - Okay.
Second, I have a gun in my purse, so no.
Okay, just come to the Haunted Hester party with us tonight.
We can all hang out.
Thanks, but I'm live-tweeting my trick-or-treaters, so if you'll excuse me, I'm on the clock for sundown.
Well, if you change your mind I won't.
Thanks! (PLAYFUL MUSIC) (SIGHS) (WHISTLES) Look who's got his mojo back.
I was hoping your breakup with Rachel wouldn't get you down.
The opposite, actually.
She helped me see that I have zero business being in a relationship.
So you're not tempted to get back with Karma? You're both single now.
Did you hear anything I just said? I did.
But I'm just making sure.
As your friend, I don't want you getting back on that emotional roller coaster.
I get nauseous just thinking about it.
Trust me, I'm with you.
All I'm looking for tonight is some no-strings-attached sex.
That's a pretty advanced maneuver for a high school girl.
Maybe you should be looking for a horny and bored housewife.
Can one of you boys zip me up? Sure thing, Mrs.
H.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh.
Heh.
(MOANING) Yeah.
(MOANING) Just give it a good yank.
(MOANING) Oh.
Thank you.
- Ah.
- Ah, there you go.
Oh, thanks.
Okay, this bunny's ready to chaperone your Halloween dance.
With a little help from my wine bra.
(GIGGLES) Here you go.
- Boo.
- Oh! Felix, hey.
Uh, any plans tonight? I'm gonna eat obscene amounts of candy and watch torture porn.
Oh, then you should probably start with "Saw," the movie that started the subgenre.
Nah, I'd argue that "Hostel" is what really took it mainstream.
Huh, well, I'd argue that you were wrong and I would win.
No, you'd just think you won and then we'd watch it together and you'd see I'm right.
- Oh I would, would I? - Mm-hmm.
Hm.
Um what about you, you got any plans? Uh, Karma and I are going to the Haunted Hester party.
Oh.
Kind of surprised.
I heard it's a big hookup fest.
Not that you can't I'm just going as Karma's wingwoman.
And also, I heard that they're supposed to have an epic haunted house.
- So - Well, then have fun.
Hope you don't get any nightmares.
Oh, trust me, I've watched so many horror movies that nothing scares me.
Well, that kind of sounds like a challenge.
I think it sounds like a fact.
(CHUCKLES) Bye.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING) So I close my eyes And I count to ten We're here, we're single, and we look hot.
Yup.
- What now? - I'm not sure.
Allow me to explain the point of this evening.
You grab somebody you think is cute, you drag them into our legendary tunnel of terror, and if you survive, you make out, high on the adrenaline rush.
(PANTING) I thought we were gonna die in there.
Oh, yeah, me too.
(BOTH MOANING) See? Another satisfied customer.
So stop being so picky, go get scared, and suck some face.
Isn't that why you're both here? Let's get to it.
Not so fast, Miss Ashcroft.
That costume is blatant cultural appropriation.
I'm Cleopatra.
I'm a historical figure.
A historical Egyptian figure.
Are you Egyptian, Karma? - No.
- I didn't think so.
Shame.
If you want to stay, you'll have to change into one of several pre-approved costumes from the drama club.
What? Are you kidding me? Have you heard of the First Amendment? Nobody look at Karma's super offensive costume! (SIGHS) (DOORBELL RINGS) BOTH: trick or treat.
(SIGHS) Just one? I mean, most people let us grab a handful.
Well, most people are scared to say what we're all thinking.
I'm not.
Your costumes suck, and you're way too old to be doing this.
It's kind of creepy.
Nerves are on edge in Texas tonight, with the dramatic escape of convicted murderer Rick Sliter.
Sliter was serving life in prison for murdering several women across the state.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) (KNOCKING) (YELPS) (THUNDER CRASHES) I told you (BLEEP) you only get one piece! (EERIE MUSIC) (THUNDER CRASHES) I have a gun in my purse! (THUNDER CRASHES) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (THUNDER CRASHES) (BLEEP) this, I'm going to the ball.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING) Oh! Ahoy, matey.
Apparently, dressing like a caveman is promoting domestic violence.
It's ridiculous.
I'm guessing your girlfriend's costume was a little less controversial.
Yeah, I, uh I guess you're gonna hear eventually.
Rachel and I broke up.
Oh.
Guess I should get back out there.
I was gonna show up! If my dad didn't have a heart attack, I would have been there.
Oh.
Okay.
Excuse me.
I'm a quarter Japanese, I swear.
Sure you are, Blaine.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Amy.
This is Harper.
She's a big fan.
Of what? Oh, wait, me? You're kind of a trailblazing badass.
(GIGGLES) Trailblazer.
Me? No.
Harper, you should thank her with a trip through the tunnel of terror.
I'm game if you are.
Okay.
Let's go.
I am such a good ringmaster.
Shane, I know you hate it when I talk about Liam, but Great, then let's stay focused on your goal of kissing someone new.
Ah, speaking of.
Karma, meet - Todd.
- Todd! You'll have fun in there.
(GROWLING) - Are you ready? - Let's do this.
(SQUEALS) Hey! Someone touched my boob.
That was me.
(BOTH GIGGLING) Don't worry, no one's feeling you up tonight.
Unless you want them to.
Just so you know, I'm really good at it.
I'm thinking of becoming a massage therapist.
Okay, uh, yeah, I can't do this.
I have a phobia about hands.
So, uh, excuse me.
(GROWLING) So, wait, you said, "Oh, okay.
" And then you just ran off? Is that bad? Well, if by "bad" you mean "not good," then yes.
(SIGHS) I was caught off guard.
Honey, listen.
Relax.
Okay? Karma would not have said that if she didn't want to get back together with you.
The question is, do you want to? Yeah, part of me does.
But the other part really doesn't want to get hurt again.
Well, you can't have love without pain.
It's the cost of admission.
Look, the easy way to answer this question is, if you didn't try again with Karma, would you one day regret it? I would.
I mean, I already am.
I got to do something.
What do I do? Go to her.
Okay, but first, let me just get that schmutz off your face.
- It - Mm.
(INTENSE MUSIC) Ooh.
Scary.
You see it, too? I'm talking about your costume.
What are you talking about? Oh uh, nothing.
Impressive party.
You did a great job planning it.
I love the post-apocalyptic carnival theme.
You never go with what's obvious.
It's what makes you you.
OK, Cinderella, what gives? Your tiara on too tight? I'm just congratulating a friend on all his hard work.
Speaking of, why don't you come over afterwards to my place and crash? We'll talk about who hooked up with whom, binge out on ice cream.
Our first slumber party.
- What do you think? - Okay, I'm scared.
(SPOOKY MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
Felix, not funny! What are you doing here? Amy said the haunted house was epic, so I decided to volunteer.
Also, she said she can't be scared.
I'm about to prove her wrong.
You know the part at the end, right when you think it's over? That's when I come out.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING) - (YELLS) - Felix! No - That was so fun.
- (LAUGHS) What do we do now? Now's the part when you kiss.
- You can leave.
- Nobody asked you.
(REDINHO'S "PLAYING WITH FIRE") He's right, though.
This is where the kissing usually happens.
Girl you got me Playing with fire I can't resist this desire (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) Felix? Girl you got me playing with fire I'm guessing you two know each other.
I can't resist this desire Felix.
Are you okay? Uh, actually, I'm a bit angry and a little bit sad.
Working on identifying my feelings as they come out.
My sponsor said I should write them down.
Felix, that kiss meant nothing.
Amy just came here tonight to make out with random strangers.
Really? 'Cause, uh she told me she was just coming to be your wing woman.
Oh.
Look, Amy can kiss whoever the heck she wants, and it's not like I expect her to wait for me.
It's just I'm still jealous, even though I know I shouldn't be.
Look, Amy knows about your recovery.
And and she doesn't drink.
Why can't you two date? Because I need to get my own house in order before I let anyone else in.
Otherwise, I'll just keep on screwing it up.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC) That makes sense.
Baby There you are.
Hey, sailor.
It's been a while since you've been in my port.
Hey, Brandi.
Uh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.
It's Halloween.
I can be whoever you want me to be.
I will always be Sorry.
Excuse me.
Wait, Karma.
Wait, that was not what it looked like.
I was actually looking to talk to you and, I don't know, I got my witch switched.
Liam, about what I said earlier Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, too.
Look, I hate to say this, but just because I want us to get back together doesn't mean we should.
Wait, it doesn't? I'm kind of confused.
I'm not ready.
I think the universe has been trying to tell me that, but I've been refusing to listen.
Look, Karma, I told you, that Just let me finish.
Liam, you're my first love.
And I spend an embarrassing amount of time daydreaming about our future together.
But if we start it now, I'm pretty sure I'll just screw it up by being jealous or insecure.
I think it's been pretty well established that I am also capable of screwing things up.
I did not mean that literally.
(LAUGHS) So maybe we just try being friends? Friends.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's, uh, let's give that a shot.
Okay.
Then as your friend, I wish you luck in your witch hunting.
I'm just kidding.
(WHISPERING) I hope you strike out.
Well, she's smiling.
That's a good sign.
Yeah, we're gonna try and be friends.
And I'm okay with that.
(GAGGING) Are you choking? (GAGGING) (GRUNTING) (INTENSE MUSIC) No, no, no! Stop (BLEEP) my mom! (SPITS) (COUGHS) - Whoa.
- Is she okay? Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah.
(LIVELY MUSIC) - Rawr! - (SCREAMING) (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) Can we talk? Sure.
Look, about the kiss, I didn't know that Look, Amy, you don't have to feel guilty.
Yeah, I do.
We have a thing, don't we? Well, no, we can't have a thing.
Not now.
Well, yeah, not until New Year's Eve.
My lips were just killing time.
Look, Amy, it's not fair of me to ask you to wait until then.
What if I want to? It's too much pressure.
If something's gonna happen between us, it'll happen.
If it's meant to be.
But until then I release you.
Or something that doesn't sound so weird.
(BOTH LAUGH) Okay.
If you're sure.
I am.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more horny kids to scare.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING) Seriously, Shane? You think I want to do your mom doggie-style in the middle of a school party? Are you saying you would do her under different circumstances? No, I would never have sex with your mother! Well, you did have sex with my sister! (SCOFFS) (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Shane I know, I thought I was over it, but I guess my subconscious doesn't agree.
- I'm sorry - Stop.
Okay, you don't need to apologize.
I did sleep with Sasha.
I wish I could undo it, but I can't.
Can't undo my sister.
No, but I can make it right.
I can earn your trust back, and to do that, I think I should move out.
What? Liam, what are you talking about? You have nowhere to go.
Don't worry about it, man.
I'll I'll figure something out.
The important thing is that you know there is zero risk of me ever sleeping with your family members.
Just so you know, I'm fine if you sleep with my cousins.
(LAUGHS) Hey, boyfriend.
What's that? You just got back from the gym? You benched 300 pounds? Wow, good for you, baby.
(TENSE MUSIC) (YELPS) (THUNDER CRASHES) (GASPS) (BLEEP) it! (THUNDER CRASHES) (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) (GROANING) (THUNDER CRASHES) Don't even think about suing me.
You made aggressive moves towards me back there.
I parked next to you.
Just be glad I don't really have a gun in my purse.
You shouldn't drive home.
I'll let you crash on my couch.
My car now is my home, so it's not much of a drive.
Don't care.
Nice apartment.
It's a condo! (LIVELY MUSIC) Okay, so maybe I was waiting for Felix.
But not anymore.
He released me.
Eh, it's only two months away.
A lot can happen in two months.
What about you and Liam? I realized you were right.
I need to be single for a bit.
Get comfortable being alone.
Well, luckily, you're not alone.
You've got me.
You always know what to say.
What do you say we ditch this party and go eat our weight in leftover Halloween candy? Sounds like heaven.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Amy? I thought that was you! Oh, my God.
Sabrina! Look, Karma, it's Sabrina! (OMINOUS MUSIC)