Father Ted s03e06 Episode Script

Oh, come on now, lads.
Quixiquoddal, the Volcano God is angry.
We must appease his wrath! Volcano God! What kind of nonsense is that? I'll ask you one more time, will you not give Catholicism a try? (Irish accent) It wouldn't catch on.
We don't agree with the Pope's line on contraception.
It's the '90s for God's sake! (Ted screaming) Cup of tea, Father? Father? Cup of tea? Father, what's the matter with you? You're a million miles away.
Hmm? Oh, sorry, Mrs Doyle.
I was just thinking about my next parish.
Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant and this time I think he just might go through with it.
You see I'm going to kick him up the arse.
Oh, that! I don't think he'd mind that.
I'd say he'd love a good, big, hard kick up the arse.
Ted! Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't Oh, wait, no, it's a film.
Do you really have to kick him up the arse? I lost the bet, Dougal.
I have to do my forfeit.
Do you remember when Dick Byrne lost the darts tournament and he had to say "Bollocks" very loudly in front of Mary Robinson? He's not gonna let me away with this one.
You're right.
There's a code of honour involved.
You could lie to him.
No, he's insisted that you take a photograph as proof.
Oh, God, Dougal, what can I do? - I like this parish.
- Do you?! Well, no.
Look at it this way.
Bishop Brennan has only visited us twice in the last three years.
He hates us.
He thinks we're all eejits.
Especially you, Ted.
He thinks you're the biggest eejit of them all.
Head honcho eejit number one! He may never come here again.
(Phone ) Hello, Bishop Brennan.
Yes.
Ok.
- He's coming tomorrow.
- Oh, no.
Why? What I gather is that Father Dick Byrne has told Bishop Brennan of a miraculous image that's been appearing in the skirting boards of the house here.
He told Bishop Brennan that in the wood grain you can see what appears to be a perfect likeness ofBishop Brennan.
- You found out all that just there? - Yes, he's very excited about it.
Images appearing on skirting boards.
That's a bit wacky, isn't it? It's strange all right.
It's like the Turin Shroud or that woman in Sligo.
Padre Pio keeps appearing in her teabags.
Or the time I saw God's face in that painting.
That was strange.
It wasn't that strange, it was a painting of God.
Have you heard about the mystery of the Mud Angel? - The mystery of the Mud Angel? - God, it's weird.
Every week in the mud outside O'Leary's pub, there's a perfect outline of a man - the Mud Angel.
Mystery solved.
Still, visions and apparitions, it is a bit odd.
It's one of those areas of Catholicism that's frankly a bit mad.
The whole Catholic thing's a bit of a puzzler, isn't it? Careful, Dougal.
- I'm a bit afraid of Len, though.
- Join the club.
I won't worry about it.
The worst thing is to keep thinking about it and become so anxious and obsessed that you can't sleep.
That's just Dougal? Dougal! Wh-What! What? God that was weird.
What happened there? The last thing I remember is feeling very drowsy and tired then I can't remember anything at all after that.
Yes, Dougal.
It's called "falling asleep".
You do it every night.
I don't know why you're finding it so easy to drop off.
Today you're going to be taking a photograph of me kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse, and he won't like that.
Imagine someone taking a photo of you being kicked up the arse.
- I wouldn't like that at all! - No, I thought you wouldn't.
And his PA is coming, Father Jessup, the most sarcastic priest in Ireland.
- When Len comes around - Hold it right there.
Don't call Len "Len," he's a bishop.
- What are you not to call him? - Len.
Very good.
Now, just remember that.
Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len.
Ok, now let's get a good night's sleep.
It's morning.
We must have talked all night.
At least we have a few hours before (Alarm clock rings ) I set it early so we'll have plenty of time before (Doorbell) Mrs Doyle, stall him for a few seconds.
Come on, Dougal.
Hello.
This is the housekeeper.
Your Grace.
Is that aa hat you're wearing? It's called a biretta.
- Is it? - Yes! Well, that's enough stalling.
In you go.
(Ted) That's very true, Dougal.
You see the importance of the Eucharist in the Mass from what St Paul says here.
The way I see it Pretending to talk about religion.
Crilly! Ah! Hello, Len.
Don't call me Len, you little prick! I'm a bishop! Oh, right.
Well done.
You know, this type of thing 24 hours a day.
Crilly, I'll make this short.
Show me the likeness and I'll be off.
I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the Pope.
I love those programmes.
Have you seen the one with Elton John? Shut up! Hello, Father Jessup.
Helping Bishop Brennan, then? No, I'm up in space doing important work for NASA.
Now, show me this thing.
It's very like you, Your Grace.
- Oh, really? - You're better looking, of course.
I don't mean that in an intimate way.
Er Nasty day.
Did you come by the new road? No, we went round by Southern Yemen.
Anyway, before we look at the skirting board do you mind if Father McGuire takes a few photographs? Oh, this is nothing! Nothing.
I, um, I suppose I suppose we better go.
Ah, now, this is a new one.
B-B-Before we look at it, perhaps we should say a prayer.
No, I don't want All right, then.
Carry on.
Oh, Lord, at this time of great joy for Bishop Brennan, when you have seen fit to put his face into the skirting board of our house, we ask you to consider the gift of forgiveness.
You, who are the most forgiving of all gods Of all gods? What other gods are there? Erfalse gods.
Oh, Lord, heap blessings upon wise Bishop Brennan, the best bishop in the world by miles.
For he endureth without spite, amen.
There it is, Your Grace, have a look, it's under the window.
Well I don't see anything.
What happened there? Crilly just jumped through the window.
Crilly! Crilly, are you out there? What's going on? Why did he jump through the window? An Audience With Lily Savage, that was good as well.
- The Pope, that'll be just great.
- Why'd you jump through the window? I didn't jump through the window.
You did.
You jumped through the window.
Right It was because of shock.
I saw your face, did you not see it? - No, I did not.
- Did you not? - Did you see it, Dougal? - No.
God, it was extraordinary.
Do you not notice the holy smell in the room? That might be Jack's underpants hamper.
I'll put it back in his room.
Look, it's uncanny.
I'm surprised you don't appear on more things.
You're such a top-of-the-range bishop.
Crilly, it is just an indistinct squiggle.
Come on, Jessup, we're leaving.
Crilly, where is my cloak? Your Grace.
Father Crilly, I've just heard on the news that they've taken the roads in.
- They've taken the roads in? - Yes.
When the rain is bad, they store them in a warehouse on the east of the island.
What?! I have to be in Rome tomorrow for an audience with the holy father! Don't worry, Len, they repeat the shows all the time.
They'll have the roads back out by tomorrow.
So we have to spend the night? Yes.
Oh, bollocks.
Will I make up the beds in the spare room? No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch.
Ok, so.
- Would you like a cup of tea? - No, we'd rather die of thirst.
Ok, so.
Mrs Doyle, I think Father Jessup was being a bit, er, sarcastic.
What? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup? No, we want to die of thirst.
I know it's confusing but just do the opposite of what Father Jessup says.
Ok.
Soyou really do want a cup of tea? Yes.
(Snorting, muttering) Ah, the kraken awakes.
Did we disturb you, Father Hackett? Arse! Biscuits! What?! How dare you speak to His Grace like that.
Apologise immediately! (High-pitched voice ) I'm so, so, sorry.
Now, that's sarcasm.
Dougal, there's no way I'll be able to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse.
He's just too scary.
I'd rather take my chances in another parish.
Oh, my God.
I might have a way you can kick him up the arse and get away with it.
If you did, that would make you the most intelligent person in the world.
- Do you think that's likely? - I wouldn't go that far! I'm no Jeffrey Archer, I don't care what anyone says.
Why don't you just kick him up the arse and act like nothing happened? Brilliant, Dougal(!) No, Ted, seriously.
Look, how scared are you of Len? Very scared.
Exactly.
So how likely would it be for you to kick him up the arse? - Wellnot likely at all.
- Exactly! So when you kick him up the arse, carry on like nothing happened.
He'd never believe that you'd be brave enough to kick him up the arse.
He'd think he'd just imagined it.
My God! That That might work.
That might well work.
I'm gonna do it! I'm ready! As God is my witness, I will kick Bishop Brennan up the arse! (Bishop ) Crilly! k eep the noise down in there! It's worth just taking one more look.
This has been a complete waste of my time.
- Well, things might pick up.
- All right, let's see.
Come on.
Wait.
That's not yours, it belongs Don't you look at me like that! Give that back or there'll be trouble.
Come back here.
Give it Oh, help! (Screaming) What was that? Mice or something.
- Can you see anything? - No, I can't.
Oh, wait a minute.
There seems to bea very crude water colour painting of a man in a bishop's hat.
Really? Let me see.
Ah, you're right! Tell you what must have happened, Dougal probably didn't want you to be disappointed so he must have drawn that himself.
Ah, he meant well.
Anyway, I'm sure you want to be off, catch that ferry, huh? We'll order you a taxi.
So, off to see the Pope? I bet you're looking forward to that.
- Did you see anything? - No, nothing there at all, sadly.
It was a wild goose chase.
Where's Father Jessup? - Maybe he went on ahead.
- Ok, so.
See you soon, Your Grace.
Come back as soon as you can.
(Car horn honks ) (Both) Bye! (Taxi driver) Your Grace? Your Grace, are you all right? You were right! He didn't notice a thing.
You gave him a really hard kick up the arse and he didn't realise it at all! Maybe Maybe I didn't kick him up the arse? No, Ted, I took the photograph, remember? Ha! You're right.
I did do it! And I really went for it.
More sparkling wine? I need more sparkling wine! Did you pack this bag yourself, Your Grace? - Your Grace? - Uh - Father.
- Arse.
Helphelp.
Plea Oh, thank God.
Help me.
Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper? He locked me in here.
Dear Godthe smell.
Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there? Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out.
Fair enough, so! Where are going?! Help me! Have you finished your meal, Your Grace? - Your Grace? - Uh - Have you finished your meal? - No.
(Drunkenly) And this This is what I did First thing in the morning, I want 200 copies for all my friends.
And one for myself blown up, ten-by-ten.
You feckin' old (Mumbling) Feck off! And from Ireland, Bishop Leonard Brennan.
He did kick me up the arse.
Argh! Get me on the first plane back to Ireland.
Now, goddamit! What are ye looking at, huh? Ahh Oh, Jesus Oh, God (Car approaching, horn honking) (Screaming) Oh, no! (Growling) Crilly! (Pounding on door) Crilly! Crilly! Crilly! I know you're under the bed.
I can see you.
Ah, Bishop Brennan, hello! God Almighty, what brings you back? Come out from there now.
No.
No? I will give you ten seconds, Crilly.
(Whimpering) It's just that I can see another vision of you, Your Grace.
The bits of fluff are arranging themselves into a bishop formation.
Oh! H-Hello! Great to see you back.
What brings you here? Well, I suppose the company, the fresh air, the view from my window of that great pile of sludge but number one on the list is the matter of you kicking me up the arse.
Yes, I think that is the one I would prioritise.
(Growling) Wh kicking What? What did I kick? I mean Don't try my patience, Crilly! You kicked me up the arse! Try to deny it and I will have you fed to the dogs! Wh Why would I do that? You'd kill me.
You're damn right I would.
I would never ever kick you up the arse.
You're I think you're great.
Well, I Huh? Are you sure you're not making aterrible mistake? - Do you think that's possible? - Of course it's not! Well, it did occur to me that it was a bit unbelievable.
Ye It's unbelievable because it didn't actually happen.
I swear to you on all that I hold dear - on my life, on my religion, on God, on all the saints and angels in heaven I did not kick you up the arse.
Well, you know, maybe Maybe I need a holiday.
Maybe I have been sort of imagining things.
You have been imagining things.
Have a holiday.
- Shut up, Crilly! - Okey-dokey.
Bye, Bishop Brennan.
Don't worry about the door.
Bye.
Come back soon.
Ted, I got those copies.
Shut up, Dougal.
Shut up! The one you wanted blown up, where do you want that? What do you mean? Bye, Bishop Brennan.
We love you! Come here, Ted.
Turn around.
Arghh! (Father Jessup ) I'm really enjoying this.