Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e06 Episode Script

- A million? - 'Conrad! 'Just get me out of this hell hole.
You will get the ransom? ' - Of course I will.
- 'I'm so frightened.
' Amber? Hmm - Shit.
- (Elaine) Jesus! - You've just lost 600K? - Don't worry about it.
- They told me to take it easy.
- Oh, Frank.
Your heart's in better shape than they say.
It's got to be to keep pumping you up like this.
Well, unless those pills are Viagra 'I was just 'Just very lucky.
' 'The guy basically did it out of a kind of love for me.
'He knows he shouldn't have and that's why he let me go.
' (Tanya) Tell you what, H.
If I ever get kidnapped, I hope they stash me in the Oldbury Health Farm.
Can you zoom in on that? - Stop.
- Is that clear enough for you? Crystal.
(Giggling) Elaine? - Didn't know you'd come in.
- Yeah I thought I'd get here super early cos Roger's looking at this season if Kyle keeps improving.
So, you know, work, work, work Right.
Well, this one needs a nappy change, so see you later.
- You should do that.
He's your son.
- Don't be daft.
Mum likes it.
- As if.
I'll help her.
- No.
She doesn't like anyone interfering.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to Just come and get some breakfast, eh? (Noisy sex) (Frank laughing wheezily) Oh! - Are you all right? - Yeah.
(Coughing) - You're gonna need some more of these.
- (Sighing deeply) Be nice without though.
Dream on, Frank.
I'm not going back on the Pill, - so unless you want to go without.
- Yeah That's exactly what I should be doing.
(Sighing heavily) I just can't get enough of you.
Well as long as we're careful, take it easy.
I promised you the best six months of your life and I never thought I'd say it but, right now, I wouldn't want it any other way.
(Jackie) Say hello.
Hello, fishies.
Hello, fishies.
Hello.
Look at all the fishies.
Is that the mummy one? - Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
- Will you take him for a minute, love? - Sure.
- Kyle's on free-weights anyway.
- How's he doing? Really well.
He's determined, too, which is what really helps.
Well, down to having someone to impress, innit? Listen, I can see what's going on and it's none of my business.
If you can make him feel good again, that's all I care about.
We like each other and I think he's really special.
Too right he is.
And I just want you to know that well, it's OK by me.
Right, that's them fed and watered.
Grab that.
Cheers.
Come on, then.
Look, you wouldn't do me a favour, would you? Look after Paddy this afternoon for an hour.
- Of course.
- It's just that Geraldine's on holiday.
No, I don't mind.
It's just, well Kyle's here, isn't he? You know Kyle He's not very good at all that.
Is it because of Chardonnay? You know, why Kyle won't go near Paddy? I've seen him and I know it must be hard Him looking at his baby must be like looking at her.
No, it's rubbish.
He's a bloke, that's all.
Yeah I suppose you're right.
They'd milk a fart if anyone would pay 'em, these two.
Come on, Frankie.
Being kidnapped's a big deal.
I'm not saying it isn't.
I just hate the harp-and-violins crap.
They're cashing in.
Still, it's one way to make back your ransom money.
- Poor Conrad.
- More like a pig in shit.
She just better hope he can get up in time for training tomorrow.
I think it's sweet.
He must really love her.
- And if he's happy, I'm happy.
- Hmm.
Till his next trick.
Well That's what you shafted me for, Hazel.
Enjoy.
Right, I'm off to get 40 winks before the board meeting.
You stay and have fun.
Are you all right, love? Yes Yeah, I'm just a bit bushed, that's all.
- Make sure you get some rest, yeah? - Yeah.
See you, baby.
- You're absolutely sure? - I saw the tape myself.
She's in shades and a baseball cap, but it's her, living the life while Conrad's shitting himself.
- I want to see it for myself.
- The porter's too worried about his job but I know what I saw, H.
You've got to believe me.
If you're right, I'll have her kidnapped proper - bound, gagged, fingers sent in the post - the lot.
I lent Conrad a mint for her to pocket.
Filthy liar.
Oh, she's tapped.
Total, class-A attention-seeker.
Made a sucker out of Conrad cos he gave me the time of day.
- He'll never believe it.
- He will when I've got proof.
She's got to give herself away at some stage.
You're going to a hell of a length to knobble the cow, ain't you? There's me thinking you only had eyes for old Frankie.
I still am one for tearing chunks out of my hair.
Call it a vendetta.
Either way, she's asked for it.
(Amber giggling) I need to take a pee! - Do you want me to wet the bed? - Er, yeah.
We can't stay in bed forever, you know.
So let's go out somewhere shit hot for lunch.
In Knightsbridge.
I'll get you some jewellery.
I promised you I'd replace the shit that we sold.
You've laid down enough cash for me, Conrad.
It's all I wanted.
It shows how much you love me.
I'd have paid anything to get you back.
Anything.
I know that now.
So get your kit on and make it special.
The paparazzi'll be waiting for us, so let's give them what they want - the happiest, luckiest couple alive.
Oh, what's Daddy doing? Look.
What's Daddy doing? Kyle? Can you do me a favour? Watch Paddy while I fetch his beaker? - Oh, just be quick, eh? I'm on a roll here.
- OK.
(Jackie) 'Chardonnay isn't Paddy's mum.
I am.
' (Jason) 'I hope your freak of a baby dies.
He dies ' (Chardonnay, screaming) 'I hate you, Jason! ' Oh, my God! Paddy! (Paddy spluttering and crying) (Crying) (Crying continues) Jesus.
Oh - I wish you could come to training.
- Hey, baby.
You've been my rock but I'll have to stand on my own two feet sooner or later.
Besides, I'm going to go and see my publicist today.
There's been lots of interest in me after all this.
Good.
Some good should come out of this whole bloody nightmare.
Hey Something good has come out of it.
We know much we mean to each other.
Do you know what? Sod training.
I don't want to leave you - not yet.
- Webbsy can manage one more day.
- No! Conrad, I mean, I I know that you're only trying to help.
But the longer I prolong it, the harder it'll be.
It wasn't as bad as you think.
They didn't hurt me.
I knew you'd come up with the money somehow.
Anyway, they've got what they wanted now.
They won't bother me again.
Hmph.
- (Paddy crying).
- (Elaine) Mmm.
Nana.
Good boy.
Are you being a good boy? There you go.
What the hell were you doing? You only had to watch him for two minutes.
I'm really sorry.
Is he all right? Kyle, what is going on? This isn't normal.
It's just nothing.
Do you miss her so much that you can't look at your own baby? - It's got nothing to do with missing.
- Of course it has.
All these memories in one little person.
It's too soon for you to get involved with me.
I should have known.
Not all the memories are good ones! It's the shit ones that give me the nightmares.
What shit ones? - You don't know the half of it.
- So tell me.
- Kyle, your son just fell - He ain't my son.
He ain't Chardonnay's either.
I know I should love him like a brother but I don't.
I can't.
Every time I look at him, all I can see is Jason.
Every time I think about Chardonnay all I can think about is her hitting that bottle over his hand.
I wish I'd done it sometimes.
I can't believe you carried it around by yourself all this time.
- No wonder you've been cracking up.
- I know.
Addams Family or what? I'm just so glad that you trusted me.
I've got to be honest.
I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders just telling you.
I love you, Elaine.
Don't.
Don't say it unless you mean it.
I do.
Very sexy - but not very practical for dare lunges.
- Yeah? Very sexy, but not very practical for a swanky day out.
- What are you on about? - A size 10, I thought.
And I thought only gay men got excited about women's clothes.
It's a present.
I wanted to surprise you, so I couldn't tell you to come dressed up.
Go on.
Go and put it on.
So where we going? I told you.
It's a surprise.
"'Amber's a fantastic lover - everything a red-blooded male could dream of,' "said Gates while stroking his smiling wife's thigh.
" - What did you do? Let 'em watch? - It's for Amber.
To show how tight we are.
Makes her feel good, after what she's been through.
Your "smiling wife's thigh" won't win us points.
So I need a bit more of this and a bit less of this.
Do you get my drift? All right? The lads are going for a round of golf? Are you? - Sorry, mate.
Got plans.
- Me neither.
Got a date.
Girlfriend.
Yeah, soap star, but it's hush-hush till she's out of another relationship.
Good for you.
Take it from me.
She's a lucky girl.
Nah, it's me that's lucky.
She's well fit, I'm telling you.
Well, if you two ever need a hand you know where I am.
Conrad.
So - She does let you out of your cage.
- Tanya, you know the score.
Yeah, I do.
It's you who's in the dark actually.
What are you talking about? The OK! feature, the glossy spreads, the national news She's hardly traumatised, is she? Amber's the luckiest girl alive and we want the world to know.
Oh, please.
Tanya, you've got to stop this.
I told you.
Forget about me.
It's not going to happen.
I want to get on with my life with Amber.
Fine.
But one last thing, then I promise I will be out of your life forever.
I've got something to show you in Hazel's office.
I think you'll want to see this, Gates.
We'll take my car to the ground.
All right, lads? I was worried about you.
(Whispers) I hope you'll follow me round.
Madame This is a bad idea.
If Roger sees us, he'll go apeshit.
Why? You're my physio.
You're allowed to come to the races.
He doesn't have to hear anything until we tell him.
But we're supposed to be working on your leg.
- I thought you were taking me to lunch.
- This is better.
VIP enclosure, champagne, bit of a flutter.
I told you, I don't like gambling.
Come on, it'll be a laugh.
Besides, my horse is running.
- I didn't know you owned a horse.
- Hm.
Vin Blanc.
Chardonnay bought it for me.
It's a good horse, that's all.
I want you to have fun today, instead of looking after me all the time.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Just no big bets, OK? Well, I can afford it.
Then you don't need the winnings, do you? It's not right, Kyle.
If you want me to have fun, let's make it token bets.
Fine.
100 quid each for the day and whoever's up at the end can buy dinner.
You're on.
(PA) 'Our first race is due off at 2:30.
' (Conrad) This is bullshit.
What the hell is this?! Some blurry bint in a hat.
- Miles away.
Could be anyone.
- Don't you recognise your own wife? She's duped you and me out of a million quid, Conrad.
I for one ain't happy.
- I saw her put it in the back of her car.
- Funny how you haven't got that on film.
The battery went flat.
How much proof do you need? Amber's right.
You've tried to split us up from the beginning.
It's got nothing to do with Tanya, apart from the fact she found out your missus is a nut job.
You owe me more than the cash, Conrad.
Don't make me take this to the Old Bill.
You'll get your cash, like I said.
This is just a setup and if anyone's the nut job - it's you, Tanya! - Why would I do that? - If I'm wrong, I'd look like a twat.
- Sure.
I just don't like to see you being made a fool of.
I trust my wife and however stupid I may have been I'm not jeopardising that over you.
I can't believe I've won.
Good old Eggshell.
- Well done.
- So how much is that? Er, 60 quid.
And you're down 50.
Call yourself a gambler? There's all to play for yet.
I told you it was a buzz, didn't I? Yeah.
Oh, thanks, Kyle.
This is the most fun I've had in ages.
So, who's next, cos I'm feeling lucky? Vin Blanc.
Well, you said she's a good horse so I'm gonna put the lot on her - - each way, just in case.
- Are you sure? - You don't think I should? - Of course.
She'll win by a mile.
Who do you think I'm betting on? D'you want to check her out beforehand? You bet I do.
If she gives me a funny look, I'll change my mind.
You go up there and I'll catch up in a bit after I've placed the bets.
Hello, Kyle.
What's it this time? 50p? I'll have 160 each way for my friend on Vin Blanc and She's a big price.
You could go each way.
No, to win.
I'll I'll sort you out later, yeah? - She's got some sort of hold over him.
- Yeah, it's called marriage.
He's blinkered when it comes to that two-faced cow.
- How did this become my fault? - Just leave it, Tan.
As long as I get my money back, we ain't got a problem.
Nick her lipstick next time if you want to get back at her.
This one's between them now.
I don't want this leaking out, got it? Look Why don't you come back to my place? I got some lovely Bolivian marching powder might take your mind off it.
No.
Thanks all the same.
Frank was a bit under the weather this morning.
Breathless.
And you're gonna mop his fevered brow? Well, like you said, it's called marriage.
Bye, darlin'.
Yeah, see you.
(Crowd cheering, commentary on PA) Go on! Go on! Come on! Come on! Come on! - Come on! - (PA) 'Vin Blanc is down.
Nasty fall.
'Both horse and jockey still down as they come towards the final furlong.
' - (Snorting) - (Door closing) How did it go at the doctor's, love? Any change? Uh-huh.
He was really surprised.
He said whatever I've been doing since he last saw me has worked wonders.
A positive attitude can make the difference, he says.
Too right.
There've been no signs of deterioration.
I could last maybe a year at this rate.
Great.
That's great news.
Well, I never told him it was the jig-a-jig, but I know it is.
You make me feel young again, so I I got you a little present.
Da-da! (Chuckling) So what do you reckon? New man or what, huh? Well, I've lost weight and I feel as horny as hell.
So I thought, you know, "Give Tanya something to really get her going.
" Frank, I I don't know what to say.
Well, we have to wait a bit for the stinging to calm down and then I'm all yours.
Well, we don't want to go overboard.
- Just now and again or it's dangerous.
- No, to hell with it.
It's obviously what's keeping me going.
And it's all down to you.
(Neighing) Just do it.
- I'm so sorry, Kyle.
- Let's go.
I know how much that horse meant to you.
No, you don't.
(Gunshot) (Conrad on answerphone) 'Please leave a message.
' - (Bleeping) - 'lt's Noah.
My girlfriend cancelled so ' (Turns sound off) (Bleeping) (Jackie) Better to put it out of its misery, Kyle.
It's a risky business.
You always knew that.
And the vets would have made sure he didn't feel a thing.
(Mobile) Hello? Yeah, hold on.
Two seconds.
It's really hit him hard.
Oh, it's complicated, love.
- That stupid horse was a present from - Yeah, I know.
Must be like losing the last part of her.
Well, he's got Paddy.
Yeah.
Conrad? That jeweller should be giving me Marie-Claire used his stuff in every outfit they put me in and they gave him a namecheck.
I saw Tanya today.
After everything I've told you? She said She told me you faked it all.
Faked what all? The kidnap.
Excuse me.
What does Tanya bloody Laslett know anyway? She's doing it again, isn't she? She's trying to turn you against me so she can have you all to herself.
That's what I thought.
That's what I said.
I told her I trusted my wife.
Come here.
She's a sick bitch, Conrad.
I don't want you going near her again.
I bet you don't.
I recognised my bag, you see, from the video she had.
So I had a look in the boot of your car and look what I found.
That was just cash flow.
Brian, it's a couple of hundred grand.
I wipe my arse with that.
No, I'm not taking the piss.
My horse would have won if it hadn't fallen.
I didn't think you'd expect me to hang around.
Fine.
Fine, I'll I'll bring you the cheque tomorrow.
(Muttering) Oh, shit.
- Elaine, it's not how it looks.
- No? So how is it? - I just didn't want to upset you.
- What's going on? Your son's got a problem - a big one.
- Come on, I placed a bet.
- For 200 grand! - You promised you wouldn't.
- Jesus! - It's my life.
- Yeah, it is - and I don't want anything to do with it.
- Don't be stupid.
No, that's your territory.
And she's right.
He is.
He's out of control but I hoped you'd sort it out.
- Mum! - She's only telling me what I suspected - and what you lied about.
- What is it with you two? Chardonnay never interfered in my finances.
- Who keeps you both in clean knickers? - How dare you?! I'll see you on Monday for physio then - earn my wage which I won't be giving away to a bookie for a cheap thrill cos I actually need it.
Elaine I was angry.
I wanted to scare you.
You were all over Tanya Laslett.
I just needed to know that you loved me.
- I went a bit far.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry?! I was terrified.
I thought you'd been killed! - You must have known I'd blame myself.
- I know.
And it's been eating me up.
I'm sure a million in cash took the edge off your guilt! I didn't do it for the money.
- But you went to fetch it.
- To burn it! You just said you were going to tell me, so why burn it?! I don't know! I don't know! All I'm saying is I didn't do it for the cash! I wanted you to love me.
I told Tanya I trusted my wife.
Christ.
I don't even know her.
- I do not have a problem.
- It's not just me.
You heard Elaine.
- You're driving her away! - What gives you the right to judge? - She's a good girl.
- I know that! She's the only good thing to happen to me since you had that bastard baby! Don't you ever think about me?! You need help (Sobbing) (Sobbing) Conrad, please.
Dr Yes? Hi.
Erm, my aunt gave me your number.
You did a bit of work for her last year when she had some bother with her business partner.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I was wondering if I could make an appointment.
So what? I can't run up and downstairs any more.
I'm feeling better than I have done for years.
I'm a man, Tanya.
Your man.
One step at a time, Frank.
You've still got to look after yourself.
Yeah, I will.
Save it all up for the bedroom.
I tell you what.
I'm going to have a little rest now (Mobile) Yes? Hi.
What's the matter? I just thought you'd like to know you were right.
You confronted her? 'I told her to go.
'lt's over.
'So ' Gold star to you for being so clever.
I'm sorry, Conrad.
I just couldn't stand to see you being used like that.
Look Shall I come over? 'No.
' I reckon I've had enough of women for the time being.
Oh, come on, Conrad.
We're not all the same.
'I'm going to go now.
' But thanks for opening my eyes.
Oi, Tiger.
Sod your nap.
I want you to take me out.
And I should warn you.
I'm feeling sexy.
Wow.
(Bleeping) 'Hi, message for Conrad.
'lt's Noah here.
I 'My girlfriend had to cancel.
She's been held up at work.
'So, like, if you wanted to come round, you know, 'I'm in tonight, yeah? OK.
' (Bleep) (Frank) She has got her work cut out with Gates.
You cannot have all that shit going on without affecting your game.
But she asked for it, so Here's to Hazel Bailey.
She got what she deserved.
- Do you want my chips? - Oh, no, I'm not supposed to, huh? Go on.
You said yourself you're feeling good.
Right.
You know, I've been thinking We should go on holiday.
- Yeah, great.
- Yeah.
Somewhere romantic, you know.
We said we're going to live it up, right? Who knows how long I've got? I don't want to waste it.
So I was thinking Bermuda.
Get a condo.
Private beach.
Just you and me.
For a couple of months.
Sounds divine.
You've earned it, Frank.
And so have you, sweetheart.
Don't think I don't appreciate it.
Right, pudding.
What about that double chocolate mousse? You haven't had chocolate for ages.
- Oh, no, I can't, I can't.
- Oh, go crazy.
You can have pineapple and rainwater in Bermuda, but tonight - we're celebrating.
- Right, I can, I can.
Waiter - You said your girlfriend stood you up.
- Yeah.
Good.
Right.
Sit down and put some music on and I'll fix us a drink.
Oh, Tanya, no.
I feel too full.
(Gasping) Oh, no, you don't.
I've been looking forward to this all night.
I tell you what, I'll get you a brandy - help you digest.
(Kyle) Elaine, please call me back.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean what I said.
You sick bastard.
I told you, Kyle.
I wouldn't have it again! - I was angry! - I couldn't give a shit.
Never lay a finger on your mother again.
I'll break both your legs, shove 'em up your backside and have you locked up.
- Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! - Yes! Enough, Roger! - (Coughing) - You listen cos I'll only say this once.
- Your gambling stops here.
- Fine.
Fine? Yeah, but I don't believe you, see? So I am going to have you barred from every casino in London and I'm gonna have your computer checked once a week.
If I find out that you've been logging on to any gambling sites I'll make sure your big comeback is with Sidford Park's women's team! You got me?! Yeah.
- Right, you're coming with me.
- No, I can't.
- Paddy needs me.
- All right, I'll stay here.
- Just give it a minute, eh, Rog? - Oh, yeah.
I know I've been a dick.
I just need to apologise to Mum properly.
One finger.
Never again.
I'll be upstairs.
I screwed up, Mum.
I screwed it all up and I'm sorry.
I shouldn't take it out on you.
I Please don't tell Elaine what I did.
No.
Course I won't.
But you scare me, son.
I don't know what to do any more.
I lost it.
I lost it but it's over now.
I'm going to sort myself out, give up the gambing.
Everything will be fine.
Please come here.
You'd better Kyle.
Or you'll lose me, as well as Elaine.
I know.
(Dog barking, distant) Dr Yes? Hi, I called earlier 'Come in, lady.
' (Door release buzzing) - You won't tell Elaine, will you? - Eh? About him belting me.
They've got to have a working relationship.
She's good for him.
No, I won't tell anyone unless he does it again.
Then I'll be on to the News Of The World.
I won't have him anywhere near my squad.
That's his last warning.
I think he knows it.
Well, thanks for stepping in.
- I didn't know what else to do.
- It's all right, love.
It's what your bloke's for - protect you, make sure you don't do anything daft.
And when he steps in and looks after you you show him your appreciation, don't you, eh? Eh? You say you want a reading and a charm for the return of love? Yes.
But, erm there's something else.
I understand that you do eliminations as well.
Ah a curse.
It's expensive.
- I've got money.
- It takes time.
It's very complicated.
I don't care what it takes.
I want it done.
(Grunting) Come on, you're a man, Frank! Oh, don't stop.
Don't stop! Come on! Aaargh! Frank, what's wrong? Want water? Do you want water? (Choking) 'Emergency.
Which service? ' I-I need an ambulance.
It's for my husband.
- If things had been different - All I want is your help.
- You slut! - Jesus.
I could tell the press your boy's an arse bandit and a thief.
I need a game - something private.
- Something discreet? - Exactly.
And how about something illegal?