Ghosts (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

1
Hey, babe? The Millers
left this in their room.
It's a bag of stuff from
the Natural History Museum.
Aww. [LAUGHS]
It's a little T-Rex and a
pop-up book about dinosaurs.
I'll mail it to them.
My, how far we've fallen that museums
have stooped to trafficking
in fantastical creations.
Wait. Isaac, do you not know
that dinosaurs were real?
- What?
- ISAAC: Samantha,
much like that green
cardigan you wore last Monday,
japery doesn't look good on you.
JAY: Interesting. Dinosaurs
weren't discovered until the 1800s.
So, the Founding Fathers wouldn't
have even known about them.
You mean to tell me
that ferocious creatures
the size of houses
once roamed this earth?
- Did you know about this?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Yes, but only because I pay attention.
Oh. Hi.
JAY: Hello! [CHUCKLES]
Welcome to Woodstone Mansion.
Holy crap.
Uh, I have a reservation
under Jeremy Lefkowitz.
My baby bro.
- Oh, God, there's another.
- Jeremy Lefkowitz.
Wait, you're Trevor's brother.
W-We held his memorial here last year.
Yeah, I wanted to come, but
I just think I wasn't ready
to really accept the fact
that Trevor was really gone.
It was just too painful.
It's okay, buddy.
Aww, he's still sad
you're dead. That's nice.
Who cares? Monsters are real?
JEREMY: You know, I always held out hope
that maybe he just made a boatload
and took some hottie to the Maldives
and set up some sort of tax dodge.
That's a nice thought.
But I wouldn't bring a babe,
then you're stuck with her.
Tell him that, Sam.
Tell him you don't
bring sand to the beach.
Hey, Jeremy, can I interest you
in signing up for our
Woodstone Rewards program?
Oh, I'm actually already a member.
Are you sure? Because
it's free to join and
Oh. Wait a minute. I
don't have to do that.
- Okay, let me show you to your room.
- Great. Thank you.
What about unicorns?
Very real.
I knew it.
♪
There you are, Pete.
Want to take a stroll
around the grounds,
put those young calves to work?
You know what? I-I'm good.
The calves and I are just
watching a little Bake Off.
Was your skin always this taut?
Yep. P-pretty much.
CAROL: Well, see you around.
Seems like Carol desire
intercourse with Pete.
Yeah, it's nuts.
That woman has been after
me like I'm a Tuesday flight
and she's a traveler on a budget.
[LAUGHS]
Historically the cheapest day to fly.
It's because she saw you
stand up for yourself.
And learned that you were loyal,
- even in death.
- THORFINN: Also
Pete does have very shapely calves.
He monster with arrow through neck,
so we often forget that.
Just tell her you're
not interested, Pete.
I mean, you're not, right?
Well, it's not that simple.
I'm dealing with some
powerful temptations.
I mean, Carol and I would
fight like dogs all day,
but at night we made music.
Loud music.
Pete, this woman cheated on
you with your best friend.
You can't get back with her.
I know, I know, you're right.
Also, we share a room
and I cannot watch you two
play hide-the-arrow, all right?
I will throw up.
If ghosts can throw up.
Thank you. That is exactly
what I needed to hear.
I mean, not the part
where the idea of me
being sexually active repulsed you,
but the rest of it.
Don't worry. I'll be strong.
He's here for the weekend?
He certainly doesn't pack light.
I once saw you pack 12 steamer
trunks for a week in Newport.
One of them crushed a footman.
Oh, I was so worried about
the china in that trunk.
Thankfully, the footman
softened the blow.
He did not die in vain.
JAY: Hey, Jeremy.
As a valued Woodstone Rewards member,
I brought you some fresh towels.
- So, how you settling in?
- JEREMY: Great.
You know, I'm glad I
finally made the trip.
Oh, my parents, they raved
about the memorial, by the way.
Especially my dad, especially
getting to meet Tara Reid.
JAY: Oh, yeah, I remember.
He gave her his business card.
How'd that work out for him?
I think they're actually texting now.
Lenny Lefkowitz.
For an alter kaker in
wholesale lighting supplies,
the guy's got game.
Wow, well, tell your dad I said hello.
Um, actually, um
we're not really speaking at the moment.
Uh
He kind of fired me.
What? Dad fired you?
JEREMY: But it's for the best.
I'd been there 15 years,
we were just butting heads by the end,
so it was it was just time to go.
Wait, why would Dad fire J-Dog?
That doesn't make any sense.
Oh, God, I wish I
could just talk to him.
I'm sure Jay has some sort
of meaningful follow-up.
Well, let us know if
you need anything else.
- Come on.
- Come on!
- TREVOR: Really?
- JEREMY: Oh, you know what?
Actually, I'm gonna get some lunch.
I'll take the bone-in
ribeye please and
Oh, I'll take a-a bottle of
your 2010 Château Ausone.
Wow. Okay. We'll get
that right up to you.
He's unemployed, yet he's ordering
the most expensive items on the menu.
Something stinks in here.
Sort of like your steamer trunk
by the time you got back from Newport.
Mm, you really must scape
the footman off immediately.
[WHISTLING, GASPS]
Carol.
What are you doing here?
You've been hiding from me.
I think you should leave.
Pete, I just found out I died.
I'm surrounded by strangers.
Could you please just sit with me?
Sure, Carol. Oi yoi yoi.
I know how hard this transition can be.
Thank you, Pete.
I feel better already.
Carol. What is your
hand doing on my knee?
Oh, sorry. Old habits.
Wow.
No clicking.
Your cartilage, it's still so bountiful.
Okay, this was a mistake. I'm leaving.
I have a butterscotch candy in my purse.
Butterscotch?
That's great, Carol, but as
soon as you give it to me,
it's just going to zap
back into your purse.
I-I won't even be able to enjoy it.
No, actually, Sass and
Hetty had this wacky idea,
that if I hold onto
it, you can suck on it.
But you'll also have to
suck my fingers a little.
It's been a while since
I've had a butterscotch.
[CHUCKLES]
In fact, it's been so long
since I tasted anything,
I should probably just take a look.
Have a taste.
- Oh!
- [MOANING]
You're so powerful.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
JEREMY: Wow, look at that.
Is this an old Funyo gaming console?
You play Super Mega Bowl?
I recognize almost none of those words.
It's a classic eight-bit
football video game.
Yeah, I love Super Mega Bowl.
Trevor and I used to play.
[VIDEOGAME MUSIC PLAYING]
YOUNG TREVOR: Boom!
You just got sacked by T-Money.
Whatever. I still have
time to kick this field goal
and win the Lefkowitz
Family Championship.
You're gonna choke, Jeremy.
Just like you choked in
the Camp Ramah gaga finals
in front of Rachel Horowitz.
["THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"
BY EUROPE PLAYING]
[JEREMY CRIES OUT]
Hey! No fair! You wet-willied me!
T-Money!
I beat him all the time.
- I beat him all the time.
- Hey, Jeremy.
Sorry to interrupt, I'm
sure it was just a mistake,
but the credit card you
gave us was declined.
Break his thumbs, Sam.
Yeah, sorry, I-I
should've mentioned that
I'm gonna use Woodstone
Rewards points to pay for it.
Food, room,
- the whole thing.
- JAY: Unfortunately,
there's no way you've
earned that many points yet.
Uh-huh. Well, you know how
you get a hundred points
when you sign up for the mailing list?
Yeah, I created the program.
I know how it works.
Right, well, usually there's
something in the rules
limiting how many
emails you can register,
but not in yours.
So, I registered 10,000
dummy email accounts
and now I got a million points!
This kid's a genius! He's
gonna do big things one day.
He's older than my father
was when he died of old age.
Very shameful way to die.
Okay, so you tricked us into a
free weekend. Congratulations.
Well, it's actually gonna be, uh,
a little longer than a weekend.
See, um, I'm having a great time,
and I'm currently a
little cashflow "negativo,"
so I went online,
extended my reservation
Where's this headed?
and I'm gonna live
here for the next year,
and pay for it all with the points.
Oh, God.
Yes! Lefkowitz boys ride again!
Well, I just got off the
phone with the lawyer.
He says that if we don't
honor the rewards points,
we're opening ourselves
up to legal action.
Great. So it's settled. J-Dog stays.
So, this guy is just
bleeding us dry for a year?
How are we gonna get rid of him?
- A meteor got rid of the dinosaurs.
- How is that helpful?
It's not. I just thought it was neat.
Elias and I once owned
a tenement building
that we thought would
make a wonderful factory.
But what to do about the
families who lived there
and were refusing to move out?
Well, we brought in rats
and how they scurried.
The people, not the rats.
Okay, Hetty had a very disturbing story,
but I think there's
an actionable takeaway.
What if we just make things
so uncomfortable for Jeremy
that he wants to leave?
That's a great idea. We smoke him out.
Come on.
I've missed out on 25
years of my brother's life.
I don't even know who he's
dated, where he's lived,
if he's a boob or a butt guy.
Trevor, we can't afford
someone just living here
mooching and spending us into oblivion.
This is so unfair.
Question. So you were just stuck
with a building full of rats?
It was a sausage factory,
so the problem solved itself.
Great news, everyone.
Carol and I are back together.
And he stayed strong
for almost a whole hour.
- Congrats.
- But she break your heart before.
I-I know, but that was in the past.
Things are gonna be different this time.
There you are.
I thought we were going for a walk.
It's almost 6:00.
Well, it's 5:40, my sugarplum.
That's not almost 6:00.
Well, I'm sorry, I thought
maybe we would leave early
so we could enjoy the sunset together.
PETE: Fine. Let's go on a walk now.
We'll probably be done before 6:00,
and the rest of the night will be chaos.
But whatever, let's go
enjoy a beautiful sunset.
What is your problem?
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends!
Well, they seem like
they're off to a good start.
" but the
Pachycephalosaurus fights back,
using its thick domed
skull as a battering ram."
[CHUCKLES]
Using its thick domed
skull as a battering ram
He wants you to make it move.
Oh, right, sorry.
Sam, I am freezing.
Well, if we are freezing,
then Jeremy's freezing.
He won't be able to put
up with this for very long.
First the Wi-Fi goes out,
then the hot water.
- Now the heat?
- Yeah, sorry.
Probably not the kind of place
you want to stay for a whole year.
Oh, I don't mind.
I survived Fyre Fest.
Not only that, I was last
one to leave the island
'cause I was loving it so much.
I don't know what he's talking about,
but I love his confidence.
Just fill his room with
rats and be done with it.
Jeremy, we're a small business.
We can't afford to be providing
goods and services to a non-paying
customer with no end in sight.
Sam, can we get the pay-per-view fight?
It's only $79.99.
- [SIGHS]
- JEREMY: All right, I do appreciate
that you're in a tough situation here,
which is why I'd like to tip
you both 2,000 rewards points.
Okay, screw it. How about this, Jeremy?
You and me play one
game of Super Mega Bowl.
That sounds like something
a brachiosaur would drink water from.
[LAUGHS] I quip. Now, turn the page.
JAY: If I win,
you pack up and leave today.
If you win,
I'll double your rewards points.
Jay, what are you doing?
I'm getting us out of this mess.
I'm gonna run through you
like Bo Jackson ran through
the Indianapolis defense.
Number one, you're on.
Yes. Number two,
since 2017,
I've been the world record
holder at Super Mega Bowl.
I beat the computer 155 to zero.
Boom! My brother's gonna wipe your butt.
Ew. What?
You know what I mean.
Uh-oh.
Well, great work, Jay.
Now Jeremy's gonna
have two million points,
and we're gonna be
stuck with him for years.
- I've got him right where I want him.
- What?
Playing the game he's
the best in the world at?
We're gonna use the ghosts to cheat.
Hamilton cheated on his wife,
and then got extorted by his mistress.
[CHUCKLES] Not important, but funny.
How are the ghosts gonna help?
The only one who knows anything
about Super Mega Bowl, or football
for that matter, is Trevor.
And I don't see him
helping out in this scheme.
They just need to tell you
what play number's being called.
It doesn't require any
actual knowledge of football.
Football is a brutal sport.
Now, pedestrianism,
that's where it's at.
Two combatants, walking really far,
for a really long time.
ISAAC: But what if Trevor
catches us cheating?
He'll surely intervene
on his brother's behalf.
We're not gonna let him see.
- Who?
- Trevor.
Won't let him see what?
Jay, why don't we just do the thing
where I work it out with the ghosts
and I fill you in afterward?
- I'll go on my phone.
- Great.
- CAROL: Have you guys seen Pete?
- Nope.
Well, if you see him, tell
him I'm looking for him.
It's foot-rub o'clock.
My bunions are barking.
Okay, no problem.
Thank you for providing
all that context.
Hey, Viking. [CLICKS TONGUE]
You look a little like Hulk Hogan.
He was a wrestler in the '80s.
Quite a specimen.
SASAPPIS: Poor Pete. That
lady is so mean to him.
She also look at Thor most lasciviously.
Like a hungry warrior
returned from battle,
and Thor is bowl of
sour rams' testicles.
Yeah, she did seem into you.
Maybe we can use this.
We know the thing Pete
hates most in the world
is that Carol cheated on him.
So, what if we did a loyalty test?
It's this thing on TikTok
that I've seen Jay watch.
So someone asks a friend
to hit on their boyfriend or girlfriend,
to see if they're into it.
And if they are, boom, busted.
So you're saying we see if
Carol stay loyal to Pete.
Exactly.
So you hit on Carol,
and if she says she's open to it,
then we tell Pete, and
he'll have no choice
but to break up with her.
Thor accept mission.
Pete's wife, prepare to be tested.
Loyalty tested.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, just to really
clarify, you know that
"hitting on" has nothing
to do with actual hitting.
Maybe best we go over plan
in slightly more detail.
[VIDEOGAME MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yes!
- [GROANS]
How am I losing? This makes no sense.
Whatever. There's still time.
Let's see how you like this.
- Oh, come on!
- Come on!
There's six plays. You
pick mine every time.
I guess you're just really predictable.
That's impossible.
No one can guess right that many times.
That is impossible. What's going on?
What the hell? Are you cheating?
No. I swear.
I was just picking my nose.
I don't even think we have boogers.
This stops now.
Good luck cheating now, cheaters.
- JEREMY: Hey.
- JAY: Hmm?
You gonna pick a play?
Yes, I am. I'm just thinking.
Trevor, you stop this at once.
You can't make me.
But I can.
Pachycephalosaurus charge!
He moved?
- [ISAAC YELLS]
- Oh.
Sorry.
It's just me now.
- What?
- Nothing.
Let's dance.
SASAPPIS: Hey, buddy.
We wanted to tell you something,
and it may be hard to hear,
but you're our friend,
and we wanted to make
sure you weren't gonna make
the same mistake in your afterlife
as you did in your life-life.
So we set up loyalty test,
to see if Carol really changed,
but, unfortunately she not changed.
I-I don't understand.
What are you guys trying to say?
So Thor made a pass at her,
hoping that she would
tell him to get lost,
but instead, she threw herself at him.
- Right, Thor?
- Yes.
Carol very into Thor.
ALBERTA: I'm sorry.
But it's good to know this, right, Pete?
Well, I mean, that
doesn't prove anything.
She was probably just being polite.
If anything, it was just
a little harmless flirting.
No, it was much more than flirting.
Thor and Carol have sex.
- Wait, what?
- Oh, God!
What did you do with my wife?
You want Thor to be specific?
Okay, well, first, we start off
with backwards ram, then
Pete, I did not know that
he slept with her, okay?
He was just supposed to
see if she would cheat.
Which is exactly what I do.
Why is everyone so angry?
Because you slept with my wife!
I did this for you. For friendship.
You think it was fun for Thor?
I guess it was,
but there's nothing wrong
with enjoying your job.
- This is not what you're supposed to do
- What is the matter with you?
And what is wrong with
you, too? You're the one
that roped him into this?
- For you!
- What's all the hubbub about?
You had sex with Thor?
- You told him?
- That's it, Carol. We are through.
You can rub your own
damn feet from now on.
And you!
You're a terrible friend.
Okay. Calm down, little buddy.
I'm not your little buddy!
[ALBERTA GASPS]
And don't you forget it.
- Yeah! That's how you do it.
- [GRUNTS]
Oh, my God, this is tense.
Jay is up two points
with one minute to go.
Is this more exciting
than watching walking?
It is debatable.
You know, I got to say, you gave me
a pretty good scare there, Jay.
- It's not over.
- JEREMY: Isn't it?
All I got to do is get
in field goal position,
where I am automatic.
My little brother's
about to wipe your butt.
That's right, I'm sticking with it.
I'm making it a thing.
You know, there was a minute there
where I thought I was
actually gonna have
to take over my dad's company,
- but now I can just keep living here.
- Wait, what?
Sam, what's he talking about?
- I thought you said you were fired?
- JEREMY: Yeah.
For refusing to take over his company.
I think Lenny was just
trying to motivate me
or something. I don't understand.
Why wouldn't you want
to take over the company?
- You don't love the lighting business?
- JEREMY: Oh, no.
I freaking love lights.
When you find that perfect grouping
and fill a room with that magical glow,
it's a godlike feeling.
So, then what's the problem?
Because my dad's just
doing it to be nice.
I'm not cut out to run anything.
Trevor was the one with
the head for business.
I'd probably just screw it up.
No, you wouldn't. You're a smart kid.
You learned your
haftarah in, like, a week.
That was an exterior wall.
I fell two stories.
I mean, I know we can't get hurt,
but why didn't anyone
come looking for me?
[PANTS] What'd I miss?
All right, ten seconds to go.
Time to kick this field goal and end it.
No.
It's time for you to
grow up, little brother.
["THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"
BY EUROPE PLAYING]
[DISTORTED GRUNTING]
JEREMY: No!
- I won! Huzzah!
- [CHEERING]
Huzzah!
What the hell just happened?
Your big brother just
shoved you out of the nest.
T-Money.
Nice work, Trevor.
Is what I would say if
Jay's name were Trevor,
which is a name that we've
discussed a lot this weekend,
- hence the mix-up.
- Stop talking.
- Hold up, Pete punched Thor?
- That's right.
- And there's a lot more where that came from
- Peter.
[SCREAMS] Yes?
We must speak.
I think we're about to see some innards.
- Do we have innards?
- Shh.
That punch pretty painful.
Uh-huh.
But Thor respect that
you finally solve problem
through physical violence.
Thor
apologize.
Apology accepted.
And I guess, in some
kind of messed up way,
you did save me from continuing
to make a huge mistake.
Let us never speak of this further.
Thor is hero. You're welcome.
Time to say goodbye to the J-Dog, Sam.
TREVOR: I'm gonna miss
you, little brother.
Now, you go out there,
and you make our dad proud.
Good luck on the new endeavor, Jeremy.
Yeah, we'll see, uh
I just hope I have what it takes.
Sam, you tell him any
time he's doubting himself,
remember, he's the one
who found the loophole
in the Woodstone Rewards program.
Bro, you're the one
who found the loophole
in the Woodstone Rewards program.
Yes. And that took no
small amount of genius.
Well, it was a pretty
glaring error. [CHUCKLES]
And yet, no one else found it.
I get the sense not a lot
of people are looking for it.
You know, I mean, I
didn't see another guest
the whole time I was here.
And, you know,
how much traffic does your website get?
Thanks for coming, Jeremy.
All right.
- Gonna miss you, buddy.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- And with that, he's gone.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Just like those terrible
lizards they called dinosaurs.
[ALL GROANING]
What? They were big.
It's interesting.
[SIGHS]