Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s03e06 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Although she only looks 16,
Linda LaHughes is, in fact, 23.
She's attractive, funny
and happy-go-lucky.
But as she walks down
this ordinary North London street,
she hides an amazing secret.
She is a
He got through to Birmingham
and said, "I could be a popstar.
"Promise me you'll never leave me
and you'll always be by me side!"
I said, "Danny, baby.
This bitch ain't going nowhere!"
- Do you get jealous of his female
fans? - No, I'll tell you for why.
I've got the morals of an 'ooker!
I'm a slut! So, why go for Wotsits
when he's got double egg and chips?
Do you know what I'm saying? Aah!
GIGGLING
- Aah! - COCKNEY: - Top of the morning.
Half a crown and I'll stick your
carpetbags up your 'ackney carriage.
- How long you been there,
you freak? - An hour.
You have been day dreaming.
Licking your lips saying,
"Prise apart my curtains, Danny."
I dreamt I was in an 'aberdashery.
Ask me how my audition went.
Ask me how my audition went!
- How did your audition went?!
- COCKNEY: - READ ALL ABOUT IT!
It was blinding, guvnor!
I've got to practise.
The executive suite?
Stay close to my rear, sir.
- NORTHERN: - Hello, Crossroads.
How can I help? - What was it
you went up for? - Here's a clue.
Brr-Brr! Brr-Brr!
Hello, Crossroads Motel speaking.
How can I be serviced by you?
- What's a motel? - It's a hotel
with a moat around it. Anyway
I'm up for this character, Billy the
bellboy. Not just any old bellboy.
Is a moat like a boat?
..He's this artist and they
hold a painting competition
and he scoops top prize
with his naked Nora Battie.
Is a MOAT like a BOAT?
NO! It's like a big,
big wet patch. Right?
- Shut up. I need to watch something,
so shh. - What's this shit?
Watercolour Challenge, hosted by
Hannah 'Mine's a Haggis' Gordon.
Oh
- SCOTTISH: - Easy strokes there,
lads and lasses, easy strokes.
Cor, look at the state
of her tatty old bush!
'Ere! Why them long things?
- They're brushes! What else do you
expect them to paint with? - Potatoes.
When I did art,
Miss Understood said to me,
"Special people paint with potatoes,
Linda and you are a special person."
If I'm going to paint,
I'll have to practise. Maybe
there's a course at night school.
Oh, here's one for you.
Lesbians with learning difficulties.
Lifting the veil.
Vile!
I should get a hobby.
I used to collect milk bottle tops.
Sew them onto my dancing
outfits like sequins.
There was a boy in our flats
like you. Sadie May.
Wore his mother's wig and pushed
a Bulldog round in a pram.
He was always nicking my dollies.
- Did you play with dollies?
- I was more likely to be found
with my fist up an Orville.
Oh, my poor Barbie.
She had such an 'ard life.
'Ere. Shh She took an overdose.
Linda, we're talking about a dolly.
- ..shortly after she started
to self harm. - Oh!
There's no point trying
to phone her, Tom. She's dead!
I'm just practising! Now, look
Make a phone noise for me.
- Brr-Brr! Brr-Brr! - Hello, Billy
the bellboy speaking. How can I
You can stop ringing now. Stop it!
Billy the bellboy?
Can I help? I'll put you through.
You, sir, are most welcome!
I did a whole term
of phone answering at drama school.
I can answer the phone in distress,
"Oh, you're poisoning me mind
with your telephonic nuisancing!"
Thank you. Um, or I could do it in
the style of a soft core porn line.
"I should've known
when he looked at me,
"Coach had an ulterior motive
suggesting a jockstrap inspection."
Oh!
I was just getting into that!
I'm SO gifted.
My talent knows no end.
Why won't anyone employ me?!
Oh, shut up,
you miserable old fruit!
I'm gonna play with me laptop.
This isn't what I envisaged!
When I was 8, Madam Poodafa from the
School of Disco Cheem asked me what
I wanted to be. Know what I said?
A topless waitress on rollerboots.
That's what I wanted I still do.
No, I said, "A STAR, Madam Poodofa,
a star!" I never thought I'd
end up in this dreadful position.
Funny that. When I was 8,
I found Mummy's Joy of Sex
and had a little flick.
I thought, "I don't want to
end up in that dreadful position."
It was the wheelbarrow.
Life is so unfair! Why can't my life
be wonderful? Why can't you be nice?
- Who?! - You!
Wonder what it would be like, Lindy.
I wonder what it would be like.
- How was it at the office today?
- So-so. Bordering on fair, I guess.
I handed in my presentation to
Microsoft. How was your lunch?
Trevor Nunn is such a sweetie.
Doing The Dream at the Nash,
begging me to show my frisky Puck.
He said, "Keep your Berkoffs,
McKellens, Jacobis.
"No-one can hold a torch to you."
- You're one of the finest
actors of your generation.
- Of any generation. - True.
Oh, it's our dysfunctional subplot
neighbours from downstairs Hi.
- Lend us a fiver, Linda.
- Go on, you're loaded.
- It's only for a bit of skunk, innit?
- Innit? - Innit? - Innit? - Innit?
- Think I should?
- It's the Christianly thing to do.
- You're so right. Thanks, Tom.
- That's OK. - ..Here you go.
- Cheers. - Cheers, Treacle. - You're the
best people in these flats. - Innit!
- Anyone gives you any 'assle, send 'em
to me. - Come on, bitch, shaggin' time.
- It's not their fault, Tom. - I know.
- Hey, Tom. You seem sad.
You upset about the absence of a
life partner? - Kind of, I guess.
Mr Right could come along
any moment and nobody deserves
happiness more than you.
- Thanks, Linds. You really are my
best friend. - You too, you're great.
Oh, look. It's our quirky old lady
who lives upstairs, Beryl.
Oh, I adore the elderly and infirm.
I'm just gonna collect me pension
and shop at the cheapo store.
I hope you don't mind my using
your gaff as a thoroughfare.
- Not at all, Beryl, no. - Bye, Beryl.
- Oh, isn't she lovely?
- She's one of life's troopers, Linds.
- ECHOED: - Hurry!
Go on! Through there!
They're hot! Can't let the fuzz see.
(That's why I slip in the back way).
What's your excuse?
Oh, my God! This is from Crystal
Tipps and Alistair go to Ibiza!
I gonna go down to Ibiza
and get seriously off ma nut, Boy!
- You remember who played Alistair,
don't you? - Wellard from EastEnders.
He's a wonderful actor, isn't he?
So organic! So inventive!
He's so licky! He licked me
all the way up my leg.
- You know whose fault
it is that I'm single?
- Your parents cos they're plain?
No, it's showbiz's fault. Maybe if I
get this part, I'll get a boyfriend.
That's what you said when
you had three lines in Dangermouse.
Field! Dangerfield!
You premenstrual papoose!
- And, what happened?! - You got
arrested in them little houses.
What's the world coming to?!
You're in the country,
you're gonna go cottaging!
Any man in his right mind would!
HIGH PITCHED CRYING
Turn that off!
Oh, I'm having a psychic moment!
Do you think she's upset?
It's Jez. He's leaving me.
Suz, a word. Your husband's left
you. You're the wrong side of 30.
Looks are going, you're isolated and
you haven't sorted your personal
hygiene issues. Know what you need?
A new video.
I'll give you this for a oner.
- He hasn't left me, yet.
- When he does, you'll want a video.
I'll bung in Porky's 2 for a fiver.
I know he's going
to leave. I just know it.
It's since we've had the baby.
He's really changed. It's like he's
having some sort of mid-life crisis.
- Did you have one, Beryl? - I imagined
an affair with Patricia Routledge.
- What about you, Linda? - What? - Did you
have a mid-life crisis? - No, piss off!
He's started drinking and partying.
Oh, to cap it all,
he goes and gets a modelling job.
Is he doing catalogue modelling? I
love the underwear section in those.
Oh, me and all.
It was the nearest I could find
to gay porn as a teenager.
All those packages, all those buns.
I've got a famous botty, I have.
When I walk down the road,
people say your arse is massive.
He's going to sit at a class
and people will paint him.
- In the nuddy-wuddy? - Yes.
With potatoes?
He's not mentioned them.
I really ought to get down
there. To help me get this part.
Oh..!
- Would somebody shut her up?! - I know.
She's doing my brain in, guy!
Me-thinks I have a cunning stunt.
What we need is a woman,
a woman who is loose
and of easy virtue.
What?!
- How do you fancy throwing yourself
at Jez, Linda? - Huh?! I'll do it.
- You need a disguise. - Put me in what
you like. - Might I suggest a bodybag?
I don't mind what I wear,
as long as it's nipple pink.
By tonight, you'll know if Jez would
stray if temptation came his way.
Linda is a decoy.
She'll try it on with him.
He'd never shag her. She looks like
Eddie the Eagle in a sports bra.
That's why she's in disguise. Is she
wearing a look he finds a turn-on?
Oh, yes. By Jiminy, yes.
Oh, God! She looks gorge!
No, it's me.
I'm in the part of wannabe artist.
- How's Linda looking? - She's never
looked so good Linda? - I'm coming!
I can't see where I'm bloody going!
How am I gonna smoke?!
- Get in the taxi! We'll be late. - Good
luck. - Don't do anything I wouldn't.
That don't leave much,
ya dirty 'ore!
Right, to the City Lit, please.
This is my penpal
Fatwa.
- Stop looking at my tits, you rotten
bugger! - Come on! Come on!
- What a stwangely shaped penis, Tom.
- Oh, Christ, have I come out again?!
Oh, sorry!
- Actually, that's a banana.
She's used all the yellow.
- Gweat! Gweat! - Thank you.
Oh, Jez. Please remain seated.
Hi, Tom. I thought it
was you. Put it there.
Jez, is that you?! I had no idea.
- I didn't know you were
into painting. - Yes, I'm into
most things pubic cubic.
I'm up for a part in Crossroads.
This is all in the name of research.
Have you met my penpal, Fatwa?
- ..Fatwa, this is Jez, the model.
- Gosh, what a devilishly sexy look!
- Hi. - Oh, 'alo.
Oh, what a nice-a warm
handshake-a you have.
Actually, that's not my hand.
You like disco dance?
Do you wanna come
and disco dance-a with me?
Um
DISCO MUSIC
Oh, Suze. Weep not
my delicate little dingleberry.
Huh, Jez and Linda going to a club.
Well, it's like the stuff that
comes out of Geri Halliwell's mouth.
Doesn't mean anything at all.
I may as well face facts.
He'd rather go out with a stranger
than spend any time with his wife.
I can't bear it.
I'm gonna be a single mum!
Slut! Hussy! Whore!
- Beryl! Beryl! It's not a stigmata
any more, you know? - Isn't it?
- No. - Oh, sorry, Suze. I didn't know.
- Really?! - Yes, don't do that to her.
Don't get all freaked out again.
God, it's not as if people
will say, "Bitch! Haven't got a man,
don't deserve one!"
They're not gonna punch her child
and shout, "Bastard! Haven't
got a dad, don't deserve one!"
They're not gonna string it up
and paint 'Devilchild' across its
scrawny chest in turkey blood.
You know what, I'd leave it on steps
or in a box or chuck it in t'canal!
Chuck it in friggin' canal.
Wrap it in friggin' chip paper
and chuck it in piggin' canal!
What?
What?
MUSIC: "Bridge over Troubled Water"
by Russell Watson
How convenient that Linda's out
and you're using her room.
You know who you-a like?
Danny from-a Popstars.
They very big up ma country.
Oh, Fatwa.
You're such a good dancer.
Up-a ma country, I'm national dance
champion. I can dance this-a way.
But I can dance-a this-a way-a too.
OH! My feet are killing me, guy.
Oh, and my friggin' bunions, guy!
Oh, I'm shagged, guy!
Oh, Fatwa. You're the hottest
minx I've met in yonks.
Recently, I've felt old. I thought
I just wanted one last fling.
One last run around the block with
windows down and the radio on full.
But you know. Tonight, I've realised
I want to do those things with Suze.
Yashmak or no yashmak, she's
the hottest honey on the block.
So, you see, Fatwa Fatwa?
Damn! A furtive fondle on your front
bottom would've been fun. But
Oh, well.
Good night, Fatty Boom Boom.
Jez, Jez, I'll let you
into a little secret.
Underneath-a this dress,
I no wearing the pants.
Giving your patty a bit of an
airing? Very wise. Very wise.
Where did he go? God, I only
nodded off for five seconds.
Blimey! I'm surprised I didn't nod
off sooner. He is so bloody boring!
Do you know what time it is?
It's five-a bloody clock!
Suz is going out of her mind!
I had to stun her with a whale gun.
She's been like that since the baby.
- It's post-coital depression.
- Men can get that, can't they?
The amount of men I've shagged
that've just cried their eyes out
afterwards and during.
Huh?!
What's this?!
It's a telephone.
There's a message on the answering
machine. How did I miss that? How?!
- Tom, it's Norma. - Oh, it's my agent.
What?! - Good news. You got the part.
- You're the bellboy in Crossroads.
Now, for the bad news - This is
a wind-up. What a cruel prank!
You start tomorrow and have to get
to Nottingham by noon. They want you
there permanently. Well done, ciao!
Billy the bellboy
THEY GIBBER
But you can't do it, Tom!
You can't! I mean you're crap.
- You'll be a show-up. - No, Lindy!
I've just got a leading role in one
of Britain's top-rated soaps.
No, Tom. It's Crossroads.
- I am going and there's nothing you
can do to stop me! - Wanna bet?! - Ow!
- You can't leave me, Tom. You can't!
- Get away from me, Devil Woman!
- You can't leave, Thomas. - Give me
one good reason why I should stay.
Because
I is dying!
What?
Don't make me say it again.
B-B Come on, Lindy. This is sick.
No, Tom. I'm sick.
I didn't want to tell you before.
But I've got three weeks to live.
I've got an 'orrible infectious
disease what no-one has ever 'ad.
- What's it called?
- Gastro-ginger-vivien-itus.
- Oh, Lindy. - Huh?! Hold me, Thomas.
- Yes, I'll hold you, I'll hold you.
Actually, you do smell diseased.
- Don't leave me, Tommy. - Oh, Lindy.
I had no idea. Is this why you went
to the gynaecologist the other day?
- You came back with a smile
on your face. - You're not the only
one who can act, baby. - Oh
I'll turn down the part and offer it
to Jude Law. We're spookily similar.
- Oh I couldn't, wouldn't
ever leave you now. - Oh, Tommy.
- Oh, that feels good. - Does it? - Yes.
If you rub here - Where?
- That eases the pain. - Here?
Like that? - There. - OK. There we go.
I think I'm looking at Leoni Liar.
- Eh? - You evil, evil bat! How dare
you toy with my emotions thus?!
- Eh?! - I knew a lady
who made up the state of her health
and know what happened?
She turned into a lesbian!
No! Well, maybe I didn't mean three
weeks. Maybe I meant three decades.
- I think I'd better go and pack. - No!
SHE SOBS
Well I can't believe
how low you'd stoop.
- Inventing a disease to stop me from
leaving. - It worked for Angie Watts.
- Den and Angie were married.
- Well, so are we.
We live together, we row, we don't
have sex. What's the difference?
Linda, I have got to go.
I have made up my mind. So, goodbye.
- I don't wanna go.
- Well, don't then, you twit!
But there's a very small part of me
like a small child called Humphrey.
Afraid of kindergarten.
Afraid of the big, bad world.
CAR HORN
I 'ad a premonition.
The taxi'll crash! Don't go, Tom.
I have to go. I mustn't be afraid!
Please don't go, Tom. I promise
I'll never be vile to you again.
Lindy It's time.
You don't have to move permanently.
You could stay 'ere and compute.
This might be my only chance,
Linda. You can always visit me.
No, I get lost on trains
unless I've got a label.
But you know, Lindy.
This isn't goodbye. It's just
Auf Wiedersehen Pet.
I thought it was Crossroads. You're
confusing me, Tom. Confusing me!
Lindy.
Lindy, I have to go.
Give me your blessing
and kiss my ring, my child.
Good luck, baby.
I hope you find a man brave
enough to take you on, Linda.
Someone who'll fancy you
for you. Love you for you.
But I want that man to be you.
Tom If we're never
gonna see each other again.
Will you kiss me?
Like you mean it? Go on.
Pretend I'm a boy.
- Oh, Tom! - It's just my mobile phone!
Oh! We had a laugh,
didn't we, Thomas?
I know nobody else did
but we had a laugh.
You're the only one
who could keep my pecker up.
Yes, I can't look at you any more.
DOOR CLOSES
- Crossroads motel, please.
- Where? - Oh
No Um Kings Cross
station, please. Thank you.
SHE SIGHS