Hamish Macbeth (1995) s03e06 Episode Script

1
(Bird caws)
(Man) Over here. Over here.
- (Man) Here.
- Ah! Ah.
- (Whistle)
- (Groaning)
Edie.
- Ah!
- It's just a scratch.
Come on. Get up off your backside,
you big girl's blouse.
Run it off, man. In my day we would
play through the pain barrier, eh,
even with a broken leg.
Aye, sometimes two.
Right, come on. Let's try
this new free-hit formation.
We're talking turbo-charged, 420 horses,
overhead lift cam with five valves,
a cylinder, electronic unit injectors,
a 23.5 ton capacity
with a 16 ton bogey axle rating
and full electronic suspension.
The Ferarri Testarossa of the bus world.
And, er, still no road tax?
Right. You take it, Bernie.
- Yes!
- For goodness' sake,
- what do you call that, the dying swan?
- I thought you said dive right.
Nobody'll tell you which way to dive on
Saturday, it'll be you and your intuition.
- Get a life.
- What was that?
I sense tension in the air
'twixt father and son.
Don't you backchat me, lad.
You might be a big-time mortician
but on the shinty park,
you are just A N Other.
Dad, it's just a shinty match.
Just a shinty match?
This game goes back
to the time of Christ, boy.
- Oh, here we go.
- And for the past 400 years,
Lochdubh has played Dunbracken
for the Angus MacNichol Cup.
- We havenae won for the last 19.
- Exactly.
If they win it once more,
they get to keep the trophy.
But this is Lochdubh.
We are Lochdubhians.
Everything flows from that.
We are playing for our pride,
our village, our lives.
So don't you tell me it's just a match.
Give us a break, Hamish,
I'm late for shinty training.
Shinty? Why didn't you say?
I'd put that about, what, 95?
- Maybe 100, Hamish.
- See you later, Neil.
Come on, Jock. (Clicks tongue)
You know, I think
she's setting her cap at my dad.
Lachie, son, she wears knitted ties.
Oh, I see.
- Another?
- Aye.
Double or quits.
Can I book a room?
Certainly. Through here.
Er, will that be a single you'll be after?
For the moment.
Aye. It's healing fine.
- Where do you think you're off to?
- We're away for a pint.
You're not. You're staying back
for extra training.
You know what to do
with your extra training.
- That's it. You're dropped.
- You can't drop me. I quit.
- Good.
- Lachlan, let's not be too hasty.
The team's more important
than your arguments.
I wouldn't play for him now
if he got down on his knees.
- (Rory) I'll get down on mine.
- That's it. You're dropped.
And that's that.
- What's happening?
- They're fighting like ferrets in a sack.
- Oh, this is going to be a skoosh.
- (Laughs)
- What are you trying to do?
- Without Lachie, we'll lose.
That cup will become a permanent
fixture on Harry Balfour's bar.
And since they lost the singing contest,
they'll never let us live it down.
- Jubel, you're in goals instead.
- Me?
Lachlan, can I get a lift?
Me in goals? Me?
(Noisy chatter)
- Ah.
- Well, what is it to be, boys?
15 pints of lager, please.
(Jubel) Just because I cannae walk
Brum, brum.
What the hell is Macbeth up to?
Never mind him. Come on.
(Esme) Oh, he's good.
But you can't hold a candle
to the old ones.
Do you remember the Macrowen
brothers? Six-foot twins from Archmore.
With only two good eyes between them.
18 games without defeat
and never drunk once.
Aye, well it makes a change
from the Lochdubh team.
No wins in the last 20 years
and never sober.
Hamish, sit yourself down.
We're having a consolation drink.
- For what?
- For the team getting beaten tomorrow.
Our job is done here. Come on.
I'm looking for a motorcyclist, actually.
All right. Who's got my HT lead?
You know, you should
go easier on the boy.
Och, I know. You're right.
I say the same thing to myself.
I just hear this voice inside
shouting at him.
- He's a fine boy.
- Maybe he needed a mother.
What he needs now is space.
You're right, Edie.
I know you're right. Come on.
But now, er, to the matter in hand.
On you go.
So I'd appreciate it if the traffic
was kept below Mach one, you know?
I'm terribly sorry, Constable.
I will moderate my speed.
So you here on holiday then?
Actually, you might be able to help me.
I'm looking for someone.
Name of McCrae, Mr Lachlan McCrae.
Do you know him?
Yeah, yeah, I know him.
If you take the Cnothan road, first left.
- He's across there. You can't miss it.
- Thank you.
Would this be in the nature
of a business matter?
It would be more in the nature
of a private matter, Constable.
I see.
(Engine starts)
- (Radio crackles)
- Bravo three, one, five, over.
(Woman) Bravo three,
one, five, go ahead, over.
Could I have a registered keeper ident,
please, on a red and black Honda CBR?
Stand by.
Mm.
That's that's really nice.
Wait till you try this.
(Clears throat)
Oh.
What d'you make of that?
Mm.
It's marjoram?
Close.
- A hint of coriander?
- No.
- Well, you've got me then.
- Wild mountain thyme.
Never. D'you not have a problem
with the bitterness?
No, that's the beauty of it.
The sage takes that away.
- Oh.
- Here, let me cut you a wee bit.
(Barney) be able to establish
what I thought
- What d'you think?
- Hey, Agnes, that's excellent.
- (Cheering)
- Try 'em on.
- Er, is that not bad luck?
- Nah.
Rory, it's a shinty match, not a wedding.
Lachie Junior.
I won't be needing one,
Agnes. I'm not playing.
- What? Are you hurt?
- Him and his dad.
Oh, come on, Lachie Junior.
You're our star player.
These shirts cost us 15 squid a skull.
Now I don't want failure associated
with this establishment.
Not my problem. As far as I'm concerned,
the shinty team's history.
Hey, Lachie.
I've a bit of news that might
change your mind.
Try this crowdy, Edith.
- You should be selling this stuff.
- What, round here?
(Scoffs) They'd rather have
crinkle cut chips and frozen pizza.
- (Knock on door)
- Who on earth can that be?
Excuse me, are you fun-filled,
cuddly, landowning gent
seeks lady with tractor?
Er,
I am.
Well, I'm carefree, attractive,
40ish lady farmer with 300 acres.
- Never.
- Yes.
And I've brought the photo of my tractor.
Well, I'll away, now, Lachlan.
I'll see you tomorrow at the match.
(Mouths)
Drink up, boys.
The Lochdubh mob are in turmoil.
Ha-aye. They might have
got one over on us with the singing.
But this will be our comeback.
Oh, yes.
And this time, the Angus MacNichol
trophy will be ours forever!
(Cheering)
- How are the scones?
- Lovely.
- Just lovely.
- Good.
And, er, that's a lovely tractor too.
20,000 miles, you say,
and a full service history?
And stored in the shed
every night as well.
You don't say? Well, well.
(Seagulls)
Now girls, it's perfectly simple.
And, after four. One, two, three
Give us an L, O, C
Esme, concentrate.
There you have it, TV John.
Scotland's conundrum in microcosm.
Do we market shinty as a cosy,
tartan nostalgia trip for tourists
or do we modernise it
and introduce professionalism?
Could we not have both?
Give me an L, O, C, H.
Gimme a D, U, B, H.
- What 'a' you got? Lochdu
- For goodness' sake.
- Can I have a word with you?
- Aye. In a minute.
- No, I'm
- Oh, shut up!
- You shut up.
- Och, leave it, then. I'm going.
- (Agnes) Away, away, away, away.
- Don't you worry, we'll do it.
Nobody gets any of these
until the bus starts, at least.
- U-huh.
- (Man) Have you seen the state of that?
- (Edie) How's the ankle, Jubel?
- Fine, fine.
- Jubel, I need to talk to you.
- Aye. OK.
- Just take those for me.
- Ah.
Here, Lachlan, Lachlan.
- Can we speak?
- Eh, I'll see you on the bus, Hamish.
Aye.
C'mon, Jock.
Neil. Hey, Neil.
(Cheering)
Could we not have
got a seat at the back?
Sit in peace, man.
- Where's the tonic?
- I don't have the tonic.
- I thought you had the tonic.
- In the name of the
- I didn't think you were coming.
- I might not be playing
but I'm damned if I'm gonna
miss the craic.
What d'you mean you're late?
Late for what?
Actually, it's handy
that you're sitting here, Doc.
Oh, aye?
And then I thought,
och, I'll just sell the farm.
And enjoy myself with all the proceeds.
Remarkable. Quite remarkable.
Lachlan, some of the team are drinking
and they were in the pub
until three o'clock last night.
Och, youthful exuberance, Edith.
Sorry, Doloris. You were saying?
So, when I saw your advert
Here we go, here we go, here we go
- Here we g ♪
- (Rattling, hissing)
- Well, that's that.
- Can you sort it?
- No, I haven't a clue, Hamish.
- (Doloris) The D12A Euro.
Mind if I take a look?
- Electronic unit injector?
- Aye.
Well, there's nothing wrong
with your microprocessor.
Pressure drop indicator's
functioning A1.
It's probably a glitch
in the, er, the bogey.
I doubt it. Ah.
Have you topped up your diesel?
- Try that.
- (Engine starts)
(Cheering)
- Could you go another mint imperial?
- Temptress.
You ever thought
of getting a motorbike?
Barney, you are so predictable.
It's a kind of jungle house remix
based on a sample
of 14th century plainsong.
Savage. Hey, Lachlan, can we speak?
Er, later, Hamish, later.
Well, say something.
It was kinda like a fist, slowly opening
and closing around my lower bowel.
- Really.
- Yes. Oh, but that's nothing.
Wait till I tell you what happened next.
Would you look at that.
- The old fool.
- There might be snow on the roof,
that doesnae mean to say
there isn't fire in the grate, Lachie, boy.
Aye. And it makes you
hanker back for knitted ties.
Knitted ties?
Oh, come on, Hamish.
You're a man of the world.
Surely you understand
the significance of knitted ties.
- No.
- Ah, well,
just ask Barney, there.
He'll tell you all about it.
Knitted ties?
Ah, oh, my leg's gone to sleep. Uh.
Are you needing a massage, Rory?
Er, no. No, no, no, it's grand, grand.
I thought these were meant
for the journey back?
And when they finally got it out,
it was the size of a tennis ball.
Thanks for listening, Doc.
Oh, I'm that stiff. How about
going for a wee walk
- to stretch our legs?
- Aye, it's a rare day for a walk.
You've got a team talk
in the dressing room.
Aye, it's a shame to spoil it
by staying inside.
Lachlan, we need to speak.
John, John. Go into the clubhouse
and do your stuff.
Aye, right.
(Chatter)
- What's your price on Dunbracken?
- 2:1 on.
- And Lochdubh?
- 4:1 against
and lengthening.
Can I put a tenner on Dunbracken?
- Dunbracken?
- Mm.
Oh. Right.
Oh, Jean.
- Have you got the things?
- They're in the hearse round the back.
Can I tempt you to a hot dog?
- Rory, you dropped your jock strap.
- Huh. Right.
I seen that earlier.
I thought it was a parachute.
Well, who's for the wintergreen? Oh.
- Where's the gaffer?
- Away for a walk with his new friend.
- Away for a walk? We need him here.
- I know.
John, stop Lachlan before
he makes a complete fool of himself.
It's a bit late for that, Hamish.
You know, I've never noticed before
how lovely the waterfall here is.
Just sort of cascades down,
like like beautiful silver hair.
Oh, Lachlan,
you say such beautiful things.
I will build my love a bower
By yon pure, crystal fountain
- And the wild ♪
- Lachlan,
you're needed
down in the dressing room.
- What for?
- Er, you're the coach.
Go, Lachlan, go.
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
All around the blooming heather
Will ye go, Lachlan, go? ♪
Will ye go, lassie, go? ♪
(Chatter)
(Lachlan) Today, gentlemen,
I want to talk to you all about something
that men often have great difficulty
expressing in words.
Today, I want to talk to you
about love.
(Chatter stops)
Och, in the great scheme of things,
it is, after all,
just a shinty match. I mean
This is worse than I thought,
Edie. Keep an eye on him.
Right, Hamish.
Right, lads,
the huddle.
Now.
(Muffled shouting)
(Trying to speak)
Sorry, pal, but our need's
greater than yours.
(Cheering, whistling, applause)
Oof.
Oh.
Oh.
There they are!
Go on, boys!
(Barney) Go on, The Stag Bar, Lochdubh.
It's the team you're meant
to be supporting, not the jerseys.
Product placement, John.
You
Where's the referee?
He's not here yet.
I'm a referee. I'll run the match.
Hang on. We need a neutral.
A figure of authority.
Macbeth. Now he's the man to referee it.
Aye, right enough. Where is he?
Macbeth? What does he know
about running a shinty match?
- Anyway, he doesn't have a kit.
- It just so happens I have.
(Whistle)
(Jeering)
(Snoring)
Och, it's great how the hills
roll down to the sea
like a big, sleeping giant
with purple hair on the top, hey?
Lachlan, if you do not shut up,
I shall hit you.
Right then, I want a good,
clean match from the both of you.
Oi! (Speaks Gaelic).
Get out of it!
(Speaks Gaelic)
OK then. Let's give these people
a derby match to be proud of.
- Whatever you say, Hamish.
- What about you?
Very good.
- (Crowd shouting)
- (Man) Come on, Lochdubh.
(Whistle)
(Men shouting)
(Man) Come on now, Lochdubh.
(Crowd cheer and shout)
Oh. Oh.
(Crowd cheer) Yeah!
- That's it, lads.
- Don't want tae give away our cup.
- Come on. A lucky goal. Come on.
- Yeah.
(Man) You might as well go home now!
- (Whistle)
- (Man) Take your time, lads.
Oh.
(Cheers, whistles)
(Women shouting)
- Get in there, Bob. Get in there!
- Aye, for God's sake.
- Move yourself!
- (Screeches) Go for it!
(Cheering)
Barney, block him next time
It was a good goal, Edie. Come on.
Fair's fair, now. Fair's fair.
(Whistle)
- (Jeering)
- Foul.
(Gasps)
Ach, it's only a game, Edie.
Ah!
(Thud)
That's the father of my child.
It's not the end of the world.
- How many fingers can you see?
- Mm, I'll marry the lassie. I'll marry her.
- Sounds pretty serious.
- Doesn't look like concussion.
(Whistle)
Half-time.
Edie, I'm gonna tell Lachlan the truth.
Get Esme on the short wave.
Ah, you're doing fine, boys.
It's never easy here, you know.
- (Hamish) Lachlan, can I have a word?
- I'm enjoying the match.
Lachlan, I need to talk to you in private.
Anything you've got to say to me,
Hamish, you can say in front of my boys.
Fair enough.
The new love of your life
is Doloris Peabody.
I know the woman's name, Hamish.
Did you know
that her maiden name was Balfour?
Balfour?
She's Harry Balfour's sister.
- She set you up.
- They've been spying on us
in the woods too.
Er, what d'you mean, set me up?
They saw your advert in the paper.
Anything to win the match
for the 20th time in a row.
- But the tractor and the proceeds?
- No, no. It's all a con.
They even hired the motorbike.
Did they? Heh. Indeed.
(Edie) Och, never mind,
Lachlan, you'll get over it.
Och, aye.
Oh, aye. No fool like
an old fool, eh, boys, eh?
Ha, ha. You might have told me
a bit sooner, Hamish.
I've been trying to talk
to you all morning.
It doesnae matter.
It fits in with the plan.
What plan?
(Mouths)
Right. Thank you.
- What are the odds on Lochdubh?
- Oh, are you kidding? 20:1.
Oi! (Mouths)
- (Woman) Make mine a fiver.
- A fiver?
- (Clamour)
- Ha, ha. Right, who's on next?
Lochdubh to Red Leader. Lochdubh
to red leader. Come in now.
- (Radio crackles)
- Hey, l-I've only one pair of hands.
How many?
- Four?
- Close enough. You'll do.
(Cathy) You're going nowhere.
(Jubel) This one's for the bairn.
- He's staying here.
- Oh, he's not fit enough to play in goals.
He doesn't have to, Daddy.
Junior. You're not in
on this plan as well, are you?
No. I really was hacked off.
Ah, I really was a bit too hard
on you, I suppose.
Och, come here.
All right. That's it. We're going to do it.
I know we are.
I can feel it. It's in the air.
- (Clamour)
- For God's sake! The book's closed!
No more.
About time too.
- Oh, no. Isn't that?
- No, no, it can't be.
He's on the rigs.
No, no. He was on the rigs.
(Man on PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
we've been informed
that Lochdubh's substitute
has been registered. Houston Old.
(Cheering)
Houston, Houston, Houston Old.
Houston, Houston, we've been told.
You're simply the best
Better than all the rest
Better than anyone
Anyone I've ever met
Whoa, believer
Don't let go
Oh, you're the best
Better than all the rest
Better than anyone
Oh, you're the best ♪
(Cheerleaders) Lochdubh, yeah!
The duplicitous Lochdubh dogs.
Is that a bad thing?
(Crowd shouting)
(Thud)
(Thud)
Houston, Houston, Houston Old.
(Cheerleaders) Houston,
Houston, we've been told.
(Women whooping)
(Woman) Come on, boys.
Come on. Come on, you can do it.
Get in. Yeah!
(Woman) Oh, yeah. We did it, we did it.
(Cheerleaders) Lochdubh,
Lochdubh, Lochdubh, Lochdubh.
(Cheering and whooping continue)
Come on. Come on.
- Where is it?
- (Loud cheer)
Oh, God. It's got to be here.
(Thud, whistle)
- Ref, that was never a penalty.
- Aye, it was.
- You need your eyes tested.
- Any more and you're lifted.
- (Crowd boos)
- Oh.
(Man) Come on, Houston.
Come on now.
(Player) Ye oh.
(Crowd) Ooh.
- Aha!
- What?
- I was wondering where this was.
- Oh, we don't have time for that.
God.
(Cheering, whooping)
Come on, Lochdubh.
Get into these people!
- Welcome back, Lachlan.
- Come on, boys!
Get it.
(Woman) Come on, Lochdubh!
Come on.
(Cheerleaders) Houston,
Houston, Houston Old.
(Esme) Rory, come on, head down now.
Get back.
(Loud cheering)
(Whooping, whistling)
Penalties.
- Yes!
- Oh.
- Yeah!
- (Cheering)
That's my boy that saved that.
(Applause)
(Tense quiet)
(Dramatic music)
(Whistle)
Stop! He can't play for Lochdubh.
He is from Kingussie.
- (Cheering)
- Yeah.
(Edie) You're wrong.
He may be from Cairnousie
but his mother is from Lochdubh.
Just belt it out, son.
- (Cheering)
- Yeah!
(Cheerleaders) Go, boys, go.
Go, boys, go.
- There's a dog on the pitch.
- He thinks it's all over.
(Whistle, cheers)
It is now.
Och, eh, some boy, that Houston.
You must be very proud of him.
I am.
Did you know he's coming
off the rigs next month?
- Is he now?
- Mm-hm.
Looking for a job.
He's actually looking
for a business partner.
Is that so?
Well, well.