Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s03e06 Episode Script
Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs
1 That you, Birdman? Get in here! You gotta see something! Huh? Huh?! Uhnice.
Not just nice.
Soothing.
Get in here, you.
Thanks, but l really don't have the time.
Nonsense.
Dr.
Potamus prescribes a 10-mintue schvitz.
No arguing.
Use the spa terry.
Oh, and hit the jets, will ya? The jets? Uh, this doesn't seem right.
My hoagy! Oh! Where am l? Um, hello there! Can you tell me where we are? Oh.
Breathing in.
and out.
Oops.
Squeeze me.
Moshi moshi? Oh, Peanut! Thank God.
l have no idea how l got here, but l think-- - Hello? - Oh! Wait a second.
ls that better? Look, the last thing l remember was-- is l was in Potamus' hot tub and then l got sucked down the-- Hello? Can you hear me now? No.
Can you hear me now? Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing rec--No.
Can you hear me now? Anytime minutes! Umhi.
Gotcha! Bad hoagy.
Hey, Birdman, l found my sammich! Birdman? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law l'm sure we can come to some sort of understanding.
l mean, we're all reasonable humanderthals.
- Hello? - Who dis? You phoned me.
Who's this? - You speak English? - Why wouldn't l? Yet another cultural stereotype.
No, it's just that the dinosaurs and the grunting and all.
Where did you learn-- Three semesters at CSU Long Beach.
Go, Niners! Right.
Can l ask you something? Shoot.
Him, not you.
Why am l tied up? This is very clever.
Many moons ago, the oracle foretold the coming of a pink man-bird who would bring with him pestilence and drought.
You bad chinga, brother.
But l'm not even pink! lt's the spa terry.
Oh, forget it.
What's going to happen to me? Uh, we'll feast on your buttocks at sunrise.
Mind if l borrow this? lt's addictive.
Look out! Now what? lt's a miracle! lt's--lt's our creation god Sentcha-- a giant pink pith helmet- wearing hippopotamus.
Pink?! He's purple! Sentcha! Sentcha! Sentcha! lt's the spa terry that's pink.
Can it, Birdman.
This could be good for us.
We must bear Sentcha to the sacred pit of soothing oil rubdowns.
Yes.
To there! Watch the armpits.
l chafe.
Look out! Birdman, big accident in the lunch room.
Get down there with some sawdust and-- Where's Birdman? M.
l.
A.
Ooh, my goodness.
What's this? lt's Birdman's feathers.
And hark! There's something else.
Excuse me, woman with child.
Muskrat droppings? No.
Creamier.
Oh, damn it, l've tasted this.
Got it.
Hippo grease.
My God! Now l understand! They were sucked down the drain through a time portal and are now living in another, more peaceful and advanced civilization governed by slave girls.
Or, knowing Birdman, they're just stuck in prehistory.
You, there! Get over here.
We're going for a ride.
Look out! Sentcha decrees a feast.
And an orgy.
Hell, an orgy sexy feast! That's Prince's best album.
And craven graven images of myself near all the bathing pits.
lf l may be so bold? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
This is Tana, and this is Gokk and Grook.
Tana has committed the crime of wanting to leave her husband Gokk and move into the cave of Grook.
You follow? Not really, but go on.
One thing is for certain-- she must be punished.
We just need Sentcha to decide how and when.
Punished, eh? What have you done in the past? We usually cut the chick in half and award a piece to each guy.
- Done! - Great.
When? Tomorrow's out.
Jewish holiday.
How's Thursday? Are you crazy?! She just wants to leave her husband and you're going to cut her in half? Yeah.
And? lt's a divorce.
Litigate it.
You're a lawyer.
Sentcha is weary.
Perhaps if there is someone who could relieve him of this task-- l'll do it! Anyone.
Anyone at all.
l'll take the case! My will be done.
Hey, sis, think you could hit the bunions? Oh, yeah! Good! Look out! Perfect.
Perfect! Exactly how l imagined it.
l can see it now.
Tourists, lookey-loos, hunters.
An honest to goodness chance to bag a dinosaur.
Or we could bag a God, the business opportunities.
No economy to speak of, limitless resources.
You, get back to the present and round up some businessmen.
- You, chimp boy.
- Chibo! Congratulations! You're my valet.
The pay is three of these shiny silver thingies a year.
Take me to your leader.
Yeah, small question.
Are any of us sure that the Peanut's gonna end up back where he started? Look out! Gentlemen, l give you the splendor of unspoiled nature.
Now, forget that and imagine a strip mall right over yonder.
But that's not why you've trudged all the way out here, is it? Behold, every hunter's fantasy the most elusive of big game the dinosaur.
Chibo, rifle.
Whoops, wrong dino! This is just a cute tiny one.
Hey, there, little fella.
Go ahead, Birdman, but make it fast.
l got a Little Miss Australopithecus contest to judge.
Please state your name for the record.
He's right, Birdman.
lf you're gonna question a witness you gotta carry the Sentcha stone.
Sentcha stone? Mr.
Chunga, you live in the cave adjacent to Tana and Gokk, do you not? Chunga.
Yes.
Tell us, would you say they had a loving marriage? Chunga.
Chunga hungry! Now, isn't it true that you've witnessed numerous incidents of physical and emotional abuse on the part of Gokk? Chunga hungry! l realize it's a bit early but maybe we could break for lunch? Nah.
l kind of want to see how long you can keep that thing in the air.
Ooh, that's right.
Raise your chin.
Raise your other chin.
Yes! Now you're interesting.
Ooh, that was wrong.
That was so wrong.
l'm shooting that because it's wrong.
lt's so wrong.
l would like to call my client Tana to the stand.
Tana, tell us simply what you want.
l would like to be free to choose my own husband.
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury is that too much to ask? l'd also like to vote in the tribunal elections.
And the hunting club-- l want a membership.
And work outside the cave in a job-- No, a career of my own choosing.
Huh? Huh? We got a verdict yet? So ordered! Dump her in the swamp! Objection! You got a better idea? Yes, l do.
Court-ordered counseling.
Boring.
Wait.
Where am l going to find a counselor? l'm not a counselor, but l have this whip.
l'll do it.
Look out! Guys, fellas, everybody do l need to point out all the advantages of doing business in the Mesozoic? Natural resources, proximity to tar pits, strip clubs.
Chibo? Look out! Let us consider this a new day, a beginning the first day of Grook and Tana's new love.
And we also welcome our friend Gokk who gifts us with love, friendship and his newfound understanding of alimony payments.
What was that?! Phil, what happened?! Not sure.
l just finished blowing up the sacred volcano to clear space for the Sacred Volcano Family Fun Park and all of a sudden, everybody goes ape-! Literally.
Run! Why are you running? They think you're a god! Last thing l remember l was casting virgins into the volcano, then boom! Now l ain't pink.
Plus, they saw me taking a whiz.
OK! How was l to know God doesn't have to drain it? Run! Look out! Well, everybody, it's not every day you can say you've had an adventure and advanced civilization by thousands of years.
Ah, feels good.
Somebody forgot to close the portal door behind him! OK!
Not just nice.
Soothing.
Get in here, you.
Thanks, but l really don't have the time.
Nonsense.
Dr.
Potamus prescribes a 10-mintue schvitz.
No arguing.
Use the spa terry.
Oh, and hit the jets, will ya? The jets? Uh, this doesn't seem right.
My hoagy! Oh! Where am l? Um, hello there! Can you tell me where we are? Oh.
Breathing in.
and out.
Oops.
Squeeze me.
Moshi moshi? Oh, Peanut! Thank God.
l have no idea how l got here, but l think-- - Hello? - Oh! Wait a second.
ls that better? Look, the last thing l remember was-- is l was in Potamus' hot tub and then l got sucked down the-- Hello? Can you hear me now? No.
Can you hear me now? Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing rec--No.
Can you hear me now? Anytime minutes! Umhi.
Gotcha! Bad hoagy.
Hey, Birdman, l found my sammich! Birdman? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law l'm sure we can come to some sort of understanding.
l mean, we're all reasonable humanderthals.
- Hello? - Who dis? You phoned me.
Who's this? - You speak English? - Why wouldn't l? Yet another cultural stereotype.
No, it's just that the dinosaurs and the grunting and all.
Where did you learn-- Three semesters at CSU Long Beach.
Go, Niners! Right.
Can l ask you something? Shoot.
Him, not you.
Why am l tied up? This is very clever.
Many moons ago, the oracle foretold the coming of a pink man-bird who would bring with him pestilence and drought.
You bad chinga, brother.
But l'm not even pink! lt's the spa terry.
Oh, forget it.
What's going to happen to me? Uh, we'll feast on your buttocks at sunrise.
Mind if l borrow this? lt's addictive.
Look out! Now what? lt's a miracle! lt's--lt's our creation god Sentcha-- a giant pink pith helmet- wearing hippopotamus.
Pink?! He's purple! Sentcha! Sentcha! Sentcha! lt's the spa terry that's pink.
Can it, Birdman.
This could be good for us.
We must bear Sentcha to the sacred pit of soothing oil rubdowns.
Yes.
To there! Watch the armpits.
l chafe.
Look out! Birdman, big accident in the lunch room.
Get down there with some sawdust and-- Where's Birdman? M.
l.
A.
Ooh, my goodness.
What's this? lt's Birdman's feathers.
And hark! There's something else.
Excuse me, woman with child.
Muskrat droppings? No.
Creamier.
Oh, damn it, l've tasted this.
Got it.
Hippo grease.
My God! Now l understand! They were sucked down the drain through a time portal and are now living in another, more peaceful and advanced civilization governed by slave girls.
Or, knowing Birdman, they're just stuck in prehistory.
You, there! Get over here.
We're going for a ride.
Look out! Sentcha decrees a feast.
And an orgy.
Hell, an orgy sexy feast! That's Prince's best album.
And craven graven images of myself near all the bathing pits.
lf l may be so bold? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
This is Tana, and this is Gokk and Grook.
Tana has committed the crime of wanting to leave her husband Gokk and move into the cave of Grook.
You follow? Not really, but go on.
One thing is for certain-- she must be punished.
We just need Sentcha to decide how and when.
Punished, eh? What have you done in the past? We usually cut the chick in half and award a piece to each guy.
- Done! - Great.
When? Tomorrow's out.
Jewish holiday.
How's Thursday? Are you crazy?! She just wants to leave her husband and you're going to cut her in half? Yeah.
And? lt's a divorce.
Litigate it.
You're a lawyer.
Sentcha is weary.
Perhaps if there is someone who could relieve him of this task-- l'll do it! Anyone.
Anyone at all.
l'll take the case! My will be done.
Hey, sis, think you could hit the bunions? Oh, yeah! Good! Look out! Perfect.
Perfect! Exactly how l imagined it.
l can see it now.
Tourists, lookey-loos, hunters.
An honest to goodness chance to bag a dinosaur.
Or we could bag a God, the business opportunities.
No economy to speak of, limitless resources.
You, get back to the present and round up some businessmen.
- You, chimp boy.
- Chibo! Congratulations! You're my valet.
The pay is three of these shiny silver thingies a year.
Take me to your leader.
Yeah, small question.
Are any of us sure that the Peanut's gonna end up back where he started? Look out! Gentlemen, l give you the splendor of unspoiled nature.
Now, forget that and imagine a strip mall right over yonder.
But that's not why you've trudged all the way out here, is it? Behold, every hunter's fantasy the most elusive of big game the dinosaur.
Chibo, rifle.
Whoops, wrong dino! This is just a cute tiny one.
Hey, there, little fella.
Go ahead, Birdman, but make it fast.
l got a Little Miss Australopithecus contest to judge.
Please state your name for the record.
He's right, Birdman.
lf you're gonna question a witness you gotta carry the Sentcha stone.
Sentcha stone? Mr.
Chunga, you live in the cave adjacent to Tana and Gokk, do you not? Chunga.
Yes.
Tell us, would you say they had a loving marriage? Chunga.
Chunga hungry! Now, isn't it true that you've witnessed numerous incidents of physical and emotional abuse on the part of Gokk? Chunga hungry! l realize it's a bit early but maybe we could break for lunch? Nah.
l kind of want to see how long you can keep that thing in the air.
Ooh, that's right.
Raise your chin.
Raise your other chin.
Yes! Now you're interesting.
Ooh, that was wrong.
That was so wrong.
l'm shooting that because it's wrong.
lt's so wrong.
l would like to call my client Tana to the stand.
Tana, tell us simply what you want.
l would like to be free to choose my own husband.
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury is that too much to ask? l'd also like to vote in the tribunal elections.
And the hunting club-- l want a membership.
And work outside the cave in a job-- No, a career of my own choosing.
Huh? Huh? We got a verdict yet? So ordered! Dump her in the swamp! Objection! You got a better idea? Yes, l do.
Court-ordered counseling.
Boring.
Wait.
Where am l going to find a counselor? l'm not a counselor, but l have this whip.
l'll do it.
Look out! Guys, fellas, everybody do l need to point out all the advantages of doing business in the Mesozoic? Natural resources, proximity to tar pits, strip clubs.
Chibo? Look out! Let us consider this a new day, a beginning the first day of Grook and Tana's new love.
And we also welcome our friend Gokk who gifts us with love, friendship and his newfound understanding of alimony payments.
What was that?! Phil, what happened?! Not sure.
l just finished blowing up the sacred volcano to clear space for the Sacred Volcano Family Fun Park and all of a sudden, everybody goes ape-! Literally.
Run! Why are you running? They think you're a god! Last thing l remember l was casting virgins into the volcano, then boom! Now l ain't pink.
Plus, they saw me taking a whiz.
OK! How was l to know God doesn't have to drain it? Run! Look out! Well, everybody, it's not every day you can say you've had an adventure and advanced civilization by thousands of years.
Ah, feels good.
Somebody forgot to close the portal door behind him! OK!