Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s03e06 Episode Script

You guys are makin' me nervous, you know that? There's too much hostility in the air, and it's directed at me.
Why? I mean, that's what I don't understand.
Why is everybody pickin' on me? Everybody's not picking on you, Klepto.
I am! I stand corrected.
It was a bad choice of words.
What I meant to say was - You said you could handle a team of horses, and they ran away with you.
You said you could use a crossbow, and you shot Linus in the butt.
What I wanna know is what are ya good for? Okay.
O-Okay, s- since you asked, I'm much better at the subtle stuff.
I mean, you give me a pocket to pick or a shop to lift, and I am solid gold.
You moron.
I'm not tryin' to be subtle.
I'm tryin' to conquer as much of Greece as I can.
Now get out! Yeah, but my nimble fingers - Out! I'll prove I can help you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I will.
I swear.
I'm not kidding.
There you go.
Phaedra, come back here.
lolaus! Hey, hey.
Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo! Where you goin'? There you are.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
It's okay.
What? Caught you.
Herc, if a pretty girl is like a melody, I'm there to sing the song.
That's not what I meant.
I saw the look in your eyes with those kids.
Yeah.
You know, I have a great life, but, uh, sometimes I can't help thinking I'm missing out on something.
Hmm.
Pretty wife, kids, debts.
Take it from me, it's all worth it.
Hercules! Hercules! Important message for Hercules! Hercules.
Important message for Hercules.
Uh, excuse me.
Ah, Hercules! There you go.
Thanks.
Uh, do you want me to sign for this? Not necessary, Hercules.
I know who you are.
Good.
Oh, no, no.
Go on there, Herc.
Open it.
It's a boy! What? Typhon and Echidna have had a baby boy.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Oh, that's- that's great news.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
Uh, lolaus, I- I've got to go see them.
It's the least I can do after- Yeah.
Come on.
I'll go with you.
Good.
I could use the company.
Sure.
Excuse me.
No.
That's fine.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Really.
I'm sorry.
Get out of my home! How dare you defy Hera's wishes.
I owe her nothing! All my other children died for her.
This one will not! Shh.
Careful not to wake Obstetrius.
If that baby starts crying, you'll wish you were anywhere but here.
It doesn't pay to make Echidna mad.
Very well.
But Hera wants your son fighting for her greater glory.
And what Hera wants, Hera gets.
Be gone! Typhon, is the little one all right? He sure is, sweetie.
You're all right, aren't ya, little fella? Aw.
He is so adorable.
Yes, he is.
Oh, yes, he is.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! I wonder what this child of Typhon and Echidna looks like.
Hmm.
I guess he'll be cute the way babies are.
Uh-huh.
What? No, cute.
No.
Like- Like the Hydra.
Well- And the Stymphalian bird.
Yeah.
And the She-demon.
Enough already.
Echidna was different back then.
Now that she's got Typhon around, she could never stay in a bad mood.
Hope the baby feels the same way.
You never told me the baby's name.
It's Obvious.
What is? No, its name- Obvious.
Ob- Hang on.
I- I'm just gonna check it, 'cause I had it written down.
Where's it gone? I had it here.
Where's it gone? I had the announcement on a piece of paper right here.
It's gone! I can't believe- That little guy from the village - he picked my pocket! You don't have any pockets.
It's a figure of speech.
Take that- Knock him a good one! May I help you? A mug of your finest swill, my lovely.
Out of my way! That's my seat! Are you lost, sheep dung? No.
Lookin' for a fight? Mm-mmm.
Then you must have come to steal our women.
Oh, no.
Please.
Your women are much too beautiful for me.
- Though I would like to help you protect them.
- Protect them from who? That's "whom.
" The two men coming this way.
One is big and the other is not.
But they're both trouble.
Trouble is my middle name.
Oh, but these two turn into rabid dogs at the first sign of- of- of beauty.
Why, they'll foam at the mouth and do unspeakable things just to have their way with your women.
That's a good year.
Why, there was once a- a humble weaver who tried to protect a woman from Glaucus and the big one bit his ear off.
Sorry about that.
It's a true story.
Yeah, well my ear's stayin' right where it is.
But this big guy's nose is gonna get punched through the back of his head.
Isn't it? Yeah! Yeah! Oh, I-I don't think I wanna watch.
The sight of blood makes me faint.
Then you better hit the road, 'cause we're gonna paint this place with their precious bodily fluids.
Yes, sir.
Bodily fluids.
Hit the road, sir.
Right away.
Thank you.
Thanks for your time.
Okay.
Good-bye.
Let's get out of here.
Such a strange man.
Oh, you're so pretty.
Echidna, look.
Look at Obie.
- Don't drop him.
- Oh, you know I won't, love muffin.
Why so glum? That bad lady's not going to come back.
You scared the patooties out of her.
Didn't she, Obie? Then it will be someone else, Typhon.
When it comes to evil, the mother of all monsters is always in demand.
I wish you wouldn't say things like that in front of the little one.
Can't help it.
Oh, you little rascal.
And you big rascal.
I love you two so much it curls my tentacles.
You know, Echidna, I think he's got your eyes.
Boy, I'm so hungry, I could eat raw fish and seaweed.
Ah, smell that, Hercules.
Venison, freshly baked bread.
Body odor.
You know what, I- I think we'll be leaving.
- Sorry for the intrusion.
- What's the matter? Don't you want to bite our ears off? Boy, did we pick the wrong place.
Or did you just come to steal our women? Yeah! What women? That little fella never said they were this cute.
That tears it! Kill them! For being cute? Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! See? Sneakin' up behind me.
Whoo.
Ah.
Ah! Uh, ladies? He's so gallant.
Tastes like boiled cat.
Herc, behind ya.
Aren't they tired of fighting yet? Oh, we ain't here to fight.
Let's get 'em, girls.
This is as far as I'm going.
Whoa, there.
Whoa.
You know who lives here, don't you? Oh, I sure do.
Echidna, the mother of all monsters.
And her husband, that giant they call Typhon.
Well, keep him on your side, because Echidna, I don't know how much longer she can stand being nice.
Well, thanks very much for the advice.
Just make sure Echidna doesn't have you on a cracker, boy.
Come on.
Happy trails! Hello.
Hello? Anybody home? Echidna? Typhon? Hello? I love what you've done with your cave.
Look, I- I'm- Whoa! You don't belong in here! Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I'm Klepto.
Hercules is busy wiping out a warlord, so he sent me to check on your baby.
Look what he gave me.
Look.
Wasn't that nice of Hercules, Obie? All right.
You can stay, but just for a little while.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
My head.
What a beautiful baby.
Herc.
Herc.
I think we lost those crazy women.
Finally.
There was no reason for a fight.
Yes, there was.
Somebody's tryin' to slow us down.
Because of Echidna and Typhon? Or their baby.
Why are you so worried about him? Because I keep thinking about the battles I had with their other children.
Hercules, they were monsters.
They wanted to kill you.
They would have been different if they hadn't tasted blood.
Oh.
So now we have to make sure the baby doesn't.
That's right.
I wish he was mortal.
Herc! Huh? Just slow down! Eee, nee, nee, nee, nee.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
Lo, lo, lo, la, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, lee, lee.
Nee, nee, nee, nee.
Nee, nee, nee.
Don't touch me, you little creep.
What a loving child.
Hey, Obie.
Watch this.
Amazing, huh? But it's got to be the right ear.
You see, if I try it with the left one, nothin' happens.
I've gotta remember that.
It's the right ear, huh? Yeah.
Only the right ear is magic.
He's so good with the baby.
I know.
- I think Obie likes you, Klepto.
Excuse me.
I'd forgotten how tiring it is to take care of a baby.
Oh, sounds like you could use a nap, Echidna.
Go on.
I'll keep Obie entertained.
All right.
Just for a little while.
She always was a good sleeper.
- Wouldn't you like to join her? - Oh, I'm not tired.
Oh, come on, Typhon.
No.
I'll bet you're feeling drowsy, aren't you? Don't fight it.
Just let those eyelids get heavy.
You're silly.
I can't even feel my eyelids.
But I tell ya what I would like to do.
- I'd like to go outside.
- You mean it? - Yeah! - Shh.
Uh, yeah.
You know, just to breathe some fresh air and have a little bit of what I call time for Typhon.
You know, a few minutes to yourself can be a special treat.
I know exactly what you mean.
Go ahead.
Be my guest.
Well, aren't you nice.
Now, Obie, you behave yourself, little buddy.
Daddy's gonna go for a walk outside while Mama takes her nap.
I'll bring you back a bug.
Oh, you guys are too easy.
All right, little rug rat, come to your Uncle Klepto.
Shh.
All right then.
The village is ours to plunder.
Anybody who thinks otherwise, kill- Who are they? Hera's archers, you idiot.
- Who told you you could come in here? - Hera.
Is that right? What's on the old girl's mind? Not the reverent type, are you, Bluth? Oh, she knows who I am.
Be still, my heart.
That's quite a mouth you've got.
Let's see if it's still working when I tell you that Echidna's had a baby and that Hera wants you to kidnap it.
What's in it for me? Oh, the kind of power that being the monster's master can bring you and the kind of wealth that only such power can provide.
So, is that reason enough for you to fight the mother of all monsters, Bluth? The best I ever heard.
Typhon.
Typhon.
Typhon! Hercules, lolaus.
Well, you got here fast.
Boy, you guys are the greatest.
- Where's the baby? - With Echidna.
Well, actually, she's taking a nap.
Your little friend is babysitting Obie.
Little friend? Echidna? I've got to stop doing this.
Echidna.
What's wrong? My baby's gone.
I can't find him anywhere! I knew chasing away Hera's head archer wouldn't help.
Hera's after your baby? Yes, but she had nothing to do with kidnapping him.
It was that friend of yours.
Klepto? I've never heard of him.
No, neither have I.
But he had the birth announcement that we sent you.
He even showed it to us.
Klepto.
He picked my pocket.
You don't have any pockets! It's a figure of speech.
How did Klepto get your baby out of here without you seeing him? He must have tricked us.
I've lost another baby.
I just know I have.
I'm never going to see my little Obie again.
Whoa.
Careful there, junior.
Gotta get you to Bluth in one piece.
He won't think I'm such a small-timer then.
Oh, shut up! Would you put a cork in it? Somebody's gonna hear you.
Oh, you don't like me? Well, big deal, because I don't like you either.
Now, button your lip! Hey, wait a minute.
You didn't- At least I won't need a shovel.
No leaks either.
So what's the- Ah.
I know what it is.
You're hungry.
Let me tell ya somethin', kid.
Breast-feeding isn't an option.
Nature didn't give me the proper equipment.
Oh, enough already! I had to kidnap a baby with leather lungs.
Oh, rotten luck.
Pretty fast tentacles.
You ever think about pickin' pockets? Well, I finally found out how to shut you up, didn't I? That sounded like it came with a surprise.
Everything's gonna be all right, Echidna.
But my life is filled with so much pain.
No mother should have to lose as many children as I have.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I feel responsible.
You don't have to say that, Hercules.
Yes, he does! Because it's true! Honey, I was just- The only living thing you should be worrying about right now is Obie! But I am, baby.
You know I am.
No! The only thing I know is that my life won't be worth living until I can hold my baby again.
And if he dies, I'll- I'll let myself rot away in Middle Earth.
Echidna.
Echidna! Oh, no.
Now I've lost my wife too.
Find Obie! lolaus and I will bring him back.
You have our word.
What about Echidna? It's not safe down there.
Well, he has a point.
If anyone should be saving a child for Echidna, it's me.
Well, I'm going with you.
Uh, you know what? I think I should go.
I mean, Herc and I, we're like a team- like thunder and lightning, flesh and bone, Abbottus and Costellocles.
Hercules, that's my boy out there.
I've got to do what any father would do.
Okay.
I'll go and get Echidna.
Happy hunting.
Same to you.
Come on.
Obie's waiting for us.
Oh, and don't forget to duck on the way out.
Right.
Don't think you're eating any of this, you little wart.
This is my reward for pushing your lead bottom all over the countryside.
Are you clear on that? Hmm? Are you? Hey! Where you goin'? Get away from there, you crazy little geek! Don't- Great.
Well, there goes my ticket to the big time.
Well, I hope you can fly, kid, otherwise that was a really rotten idea.
You're not funny, you know that? Pullin' a stunt like this.
You steal the joy from my greatest accomplishment! Oh, pipe down and grab my hand.
Cut that out! Grab my hand.
Come on.
Oh! Knock it off! What are you tryin' to do, kill me? Oh.
I got one thing to say to you- calamari.
Don't push it, kid.
All Echidna and I want is the chance to make sure Obie grows up the way none of our other kids did- polite and hardworking and peaceful.
Well, you'll get your chance, Typhon, but you've gotta be patient.
Patient.
Right.
But as soon as I get my hands on that filthy kidnapper- Pow! Right in the kisser.
Will you let me worry about Klepto? You concentrate on Obie.
You know something? You're right.
Hmm.
What's the matter, Hercules? Looks like a rainstorm must have blown through here and washed away their tracks.
Well, that's not good.
It's not getting any better.
The road divides up ahead.
- Oh, no.
- You go left.
I'll go right.
Right.
I- I mean left.
Uh, but Typhon.
If you find them, don't do anything foolish.
- You call for me, or you come and get me.
- Okay.
If I can.
No ifs.
That's your baby out there, and we wanna bring him back in one piece.
Gotcha.
Left, right? Yes.
T- Typhon, watch out for that- Oops.
tree.
Give me your money, or I'll have your neck! Ah, pilgrims.
That starts with "P," and that stands for "easy pickings.
" Hey, Klepto.
What are you doin' here? Well, one might ask the same of you.
Huh? I'm on my way to see Bluth.
With a baby? Hello.
It's not my baby.
It is Echidna's.
What have you been smoking? Oh, I'm serious.
Look for yourself.
Mother of mercy! Believe me now? Yeah.
Yeah.
Come here, my slimy little friend.
Oh, yeah.
Then go tell Bluth I'm bringing him a little bundle of joy.
One that'll help him conquer as much of Greece as he wants.
Sure.
Right.
Right away.
And tell him I'm ready for the big time too! What a disgusting little creep.
Put a bag over his head.
Only a mother could love that.
Hey.
I'm the only one who can talk to him like that.
Boy, how did she ever get- Echidna? Echidna, is that you? Go away! This is no time for you to be alone.
Echidna, you all right? Echidna? Hercules and Typhon asked me to look after you.
No! Stay away! How did I get this job? Bluth! Bluth! You're late.
You won't say that when I tell you about Klepto.
He kidnapped Echidna's baby.
Klepto? He must be insane.
Bluth, get rid of this madman.
He's slowing us down.
But I saw the kid.
He's an ugly little freak.
Had all these slimy arms, and he kept sproutin' new ones.
- Where was he? - Pilgrims' camp, near the bend of the Ebros River.
Bluth, take my archers there and get Echidna's baby.
And don't fail me.
What about you? I'm gonna find out if Echidna has finally realized that she's better off fighting for Hera.
Nothin' up my sleeve.
Hmm? Okay, watch this one.
This one is always a good one.
dddd Ah! Now this one kills 'em in Carthage.
Are you all right? You know something? You're not bad for a crumb-cruncher, that is.
Not that I'm gettin' soft in the old melon or anything, but it's true.
If I had to choose between you and that rude pilgrim back there, I'd take you in a Nemean minute.
Oh, that's a good little guy.
Hi.
Not one step closer.
I'm warning you.
Echidna, why are you being like this? Look, Hercules and Typhon have probably got your baby back already.
Don't patronize me! I'm not a child! Hey, you know, Hercules and I risked our necks to get you and Typhon back together.
Now we're tryin' to make sure you don't lose your baby.
So, come on! I'm on your side, all right? Or would you rather just kill me? No.
- Good.
I'm a monster.
Monsters don't have friends.
Only Typhon.
I'm just so worried.
You know, you really shouldn't be alone down here at a time like this.
Let's go back, huh? Thank you, lolaus.
Thank you.
If you've come for Obie, you're too late.
What do you mean? Bluth took him.
You let somebody kidnap Obie after you'd already kidnapped him? Typhon, we need to get some answers here first.
- I-I'm really sorry.
- You can be sorry all you want.
I'm still gonna see how far I can throw you! Save me! Typhon, don't! But I- Hurting Klepto won't save your baby.
You're right, Hercules.
- Whoa.
- But what will? Me.
Go faster, ya baby-stealer.
Hey, if I had legs as long as yours, I would.
Take it easy on him, Typhon.
Why should I? The little weasel took Obie away from Echidna and me.
Look, I wish I'd never done it, all right? Just bein' around him really- It really kind of got to me.
He's really a great little guy.
Well, maybe you're nicer than I thought.
But I still don't think we're gonna get Obie back.
Don't worry.
We will.
I hope we find him soon, because if he gets a taste of blood, he'll turn bad just like all the other kids we had.
And you know that's just what Hera wants.
I know.
And Bluth works for Hera.
And he'd do anything- and I mean anything- to please her.
- Then maybe you should do what Typhon wants you to do.
- I know.
Faster, faster.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
I'm usually stronger than this.
Echidna, you have nothing to apologize for.
Any mother would be upset.
How touching.
The mother of all monsters showing her sensitive side.
You! You have my baby, don't you? It's nice to see that grief hasn't stopped your mind from working, Echidna.
Last time I saw you, you were popping like a balloon.
I won't make that mistake again.
Look out! You shouldn't have done that.
Guess again.
You disgusting little creature! Look at those teeth.
You'll be a killer yet.
Use your anger.
No telling how vicious he'll be by the time I'm through with him.
I love it.
Would you look at that? The way he's growing, he'll be the biggest monster ever.
And the only masters he'll ever serve are Hera and me.
Wrong.
- Who are you? - This is Hercules, you moron.
Hercules, huh? Don't you ever get tired of trying to spoil things for Hera? Every boy needs a hobby.
I suppose you're not gonna tell me what you did to my guards.
They're considering new careers.
- I want my baby back.
- Forget it! No.
Maybe we should come back another time.
- Sorry, Klepto.
There's no time like the present.
- Wanna bet? Oh, we're dead.
Get him.
Show him.
That's it.
Come on.
All right! Oh! You're not going anywhere.
Hephaestus made those bolos.
Scream all you want, Echidna.
The only way you can get free is to pledge your loyalty- and your son- to Hera.
I'd rather die.
I think that can be arranged.
Kill Hercules now! Get him! First blood! Kill him! My son will never fight for your cause.
You're wrong.
He'll never fight for any other.
- Give it back.
- Yeah.
In your dreams.
Death to the son of Zeus.
Obie, no! Now listen to me, Obie.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We should be friends.
Just like I'm friends with your mom and dad.
- Don't stop.
It's a trick.
- Obie, be a good boy.
Listen to your dad, little guy.
Come on.
He's the one who's right.
There you go.
Okay, that's enough.
That's a good little boy.
All right.
Then I'll kill both of ya! Herc, over here.
I'll catch him! - I can't risk it! - You really care.
Yeah.
I do.
Hera sends her best.
Tell Hera her best wasn't good enough.
Welcome back.
Honey, we're home.
We? That's what he said.
Here's Obie! Oh, Obie! Obie! I missed you so much, my little precious one.
My, how you've grown.
Looks like you were busy.
Well, you know what they say.
Busy hands are happy hands.
What is he doing here? Well, I- I just wanted to say that I was- that I'm sorry.
- Y-You know, in person.
- He means it, honey.
He helped us get Obie back.
And he learned to care about the baby.
It's true, Echidna.
I- I really grew fond of the little guy.
Well, in that case, come on over.
What is going on here? Every parent's dream- finding a babysitter.