Hotel Babylon (2006) s03e06 Episode Script

Previously on Hotel Babylon.
- Welcome back, Mr Hutchinson.
- Good to be back, Mr Edwards.
Come work with me.
Charlie, it is time to do something for yourself.
- I think you should take it.
- Take what? Hutch's job.
He's not bad.
We'll be in safe hands.
You're in way over your head.
First, they're gonna come after you and then they're gonna come after me.
I won't mess it up again if you give me another chance.
- I need you and I want to be with you.
- I'm sorry.
Babylon's a special place.
I feel I've spent half my life here.
- I'm sorry, what are you saying? - You're leaving, too, aren't you? Yes.
It doesn't matter who we are or where we come from nothing really prepares staff.
for the experience of working in a five-star hotel.
We never know who's gonna spin through that door and what you might ask of us.
It's a bit like being an actor.
There's so many different roles we have to play.
Sometimes you need us to be a magician.
Front row, dress circle.
Thanks! And sometimes you need us to be a fashion consultant.
The black.
Definitely the black.
We need to be part conman.
and part showman.
This is a lovely Burgundy, vintage 1926.
It was once owned by Her Majesty's, the Queen of England.
We have to learn to be adaptable, to switch from one role to another in an instant.
We're your garrulous drinking buddy But I love her.
I do.
I really love her.
your marriage guidance counsellor So talk to her.
Tell her how you feel.
Stop shagging your PA.
and your nursemaid.
We're everything you need us to be at any given moment.
Hold me, Mummy.
Although some roles are beyond the call of duty these skills can't be taught or learnt from a training manual.
It doesn't matter whether you've got We've learnt the hard way, through experience.
If a member of staff's promoted to general manager.
before they've had a chance to get that experience they'd better learn fast.
'Cause you just know when you're looking at the one.
And you feel it in your fingers.
And you feel it in your toes.
My toes are telling me I'm looking at her right now.
Cut! Katie, that was great.
It was fantastic.
- Why are you staring at Tom's forehead? - Exactly.
You know, I think there's Botox leaking out of it.
Bitch! Such a bitch.
Simon, can we please do something about Katie's breath? - Rob.
- Can we fly in some mints for Katie? Or a fire extinguisher? I'm just saying what I read.
It's all over the Internet.
Right, I'll be in my suite.
Okay, let's take five, everyone, then set up for the wide, please.
Thank you.
So I would like each of you to take on board my own personal mantra "The customer is always right.
" "The customer comes first.
" "The customer is God.
" Oh, God.
Come on, you can You can do this.
"The customer is " Crap.
Did you see that boy playing me? He was as wooden as a pencil.
I can act better than that.
Oh, could this film crew be any messier? I'm gonna ask the director for a part in the film.
Do you know, I was nearly an actress.
This producer asked me to give him a private audition for his Bond film Licence to Drill.
I was going to be a nuclear physicist, Dr Goodhead.
This came for you while they were filming.
Oh, my God.
Ned wants to take me to New York, this weekend, flying first class.
I'd look a lot happier than that if someone wanted to take me to New York.
No, it's just, you know, I'm a bit surprised.
I've just been to New York.
You'll love it.
I'm also waiting for a dress to be delivered.
Oh, we'll have it sent up to your room as soon as it arrives.
Great, thank you.
Hello.
It's like one of those wildlife shows where a baby wildebeest.
is about to cross the river full of crocodiles with sharp teeth.
Obviously you realise it's up to us to stop him from being eaten.
You stupid half-wit.
Do you have any idea what you've done? Your office, now! "While filming at London's Hotel Babylon "Tom Charles has been treating himself to Botox injections.
"It seems Tom isn't as worried about his lines in the script.
"as the lines in his forehead.
" Oh, maybe you think this is funny.
- No.
- But I was guaranteed privacy.
No paps, no leaks.
I'm sure the leaks didn't come from a member of my staff.
So where did they come from? Tom's out there spitting blood.
He wants to quit the hotel.
Well, surely that won't be necessary.
Um I'm certain there's something we can do to make Mr Charles happy.
Actors don't do happy.
If they're happy, they think they're being screwed.
And those two, they're the worst.
You make one of them happy, the other one's unhappy.
The staff and I will do everything we can to help you.
I have three days left to film.
If I don't get these last few hotel scenes in the can I don't have a movie.
If I don't have a movie, I'm finished! - I need my actors focused.
- I will make your actors happy.
I personally guarantee it.
You have till the end of the day.
If those two are still bitching, we're out of here.
Hmm? Rob! Okay, we're gonna need to move these spirit bottles.
Hey, you no touch my spirits.
You touch my spirits, you touch my dick.
Okay.
I no touch your spirits.
Can I go past? Hey, you know, when I was a kid growing up in Salamanca I always wanted to be an actor.
Hey, who's this? You look at me? Huh? You look at me, huh? Don't see anybody else here.
I have absolutely no idea.
Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver.
You look at me? You sound like a Spanish Mr Bean.
- Okay, uh, before we start Yeah.
I just want to say.
I am really looking forward to working with all of you.
I think we can make Babylon.
the best and the most profitable five-star hotel in London.
Well, I'd like each of you to take on board my own personal mantra "The customer is king.
" What if the customer is some city boy who puke all over my bar? He no king.
Well, yes, you're right.
Obviously, there are exceptions I will give you an exception.
Last night a guest got in the lift and he got his old chap out and he asked me to Well, I shall not tell you what he asked me to do with it - But it wasn't very regal.
- But as a general rule, let's treat all of our guests as royalty, okay? Moving on.
Now, some of you may have seen this already.
It popped up on one of those celebrity gossip websites this morning.
Now, the producer thinks the leak came from a member of staff.
He's threatening to quit the hotel.
Well, I wouldn't be sorry to see them go.
No.
Did you see what they did to my restaurant yesterday? They completely trashed the place.
Look, I know they can be disruptive, okay? But I promised we'd do everything we could for them.
So let's try and make the best of it, okay? Um, this leak could have come from anywhere.
I don't know why they think it was a member of staff.
- It could have been one of the crew.
- Look, I'm not accusing anyone.
I just want to emphasise respecting guests' confidentiality.
It's so important for the hotel's reputation especially in attracting celebrities.
They demand privacy.
Despite what they may say, I think you'll find that they demand publicity.
Well, not in this case.
We can't afford any leaks.
Look, I don't want to get heavy or anything but if a member of staff is leaking information about guests to the media I'll Well, I'll have to sack them.
Right, well, um Thanks for your cooperation, um I know you're all busy with the film crew and everything, so So that's it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Is it just me, or is that like being back at school? Come on, first-day nerves.
Give the lad a chance to settle in.
- Uh, how's Charlie getting on? - How would I know? Well, I know you two are close.
I thought you might have heard from him.
As if I've got nothing better to do than think about Charlie.
Are you lost? Uh, yeah, I'm looking for Anna.
She's the head receptionist.
- Pretty girl, dark hair? - Yeah.
- I just saw her going into the spa.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
Crickey! You're not painting the front of a yacht, sweetheart.
If you insist on fluffing, fluff gently.
You know, I'd really like to get him something.
to make up for this Botox thing.
- What does he like? - Dark-skinned hookers.
- Anything else? - Cricket.
He's a huge cricket fan.
I'll sort something out for him.
I told the producers I'd handle it personally, so leave it to me.
I have more experience in handling VIPs.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, I kind of know what I'm doing, too.
On the house.
Thanks.
I think this could be the start.
of a very beautiful friendship.
Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca.
- Ah! - Yeah, I know the classics.
Of all the gin - Your messages.
- Thanks.
I just want to say, I think this film is going to be fantastic.
Thanks.
Come in.
- Your dress arrived.
- Mmm.
- Thanks.
- Oh, it's gorgeous.
I just hope I've got the arse for it.
We'll soon find out.
I just wanted to say thank you for earlier.
No worries.
What was that about? Is that the guy who wants to take you to New York? Yes, that's Ned, yeah.
A guy offers to take you to New York and you hide from him? - A little bit weird.
- Yeah.
- Don't you want to go? - Oh, no.
No, it's not that We've only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and, you know it's all so much.
New York, first class.
Sorry, you're a guest.
I shouldn't be boring you with my personal life.
Hey, you've made me your accomplice.
Now, come on, give me the details.
Oh, it's complicated.
Is there someone else? That kind of complicated.
Just tell me to mind my own business if you don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, there was someone else.
He used to work here, and we had a thing, and I I thought Well, I don't know what I thought.
- What happened? - He left.
And he's off jetting around the world, and Oh, and Ned's lovely.
It's just every time I think of Charlie, I'm just not sure.
I was the same when I was getting together with my boyfriend, Sam.
Messed him about for ages.
Nearly drove him insane.
Soon as I decided to go for everything, it just clicked.
It was amazing.
- Is that him there? - Yeah.
At least if it doesn't work out, you would have had New York.
Yes, yes, and I have always wanted to fly first class.
Well, there you go.
It's worth it just for that.
Oh, you've got so much gorgeous stuff.
Oh! Marc Jacobs.
Oh, I love Marc Jacobs.
Oh, wow.
Oh, anyway, I should get back to reception.
- Thank you so much for listening.
- Anytime.
Okay.
Um They're for the second test at Lord's.
Luckily, they had some returns.
- The best seats in the house.
- You're kidding.
I want to assure you that we are absolutely committed.
to providing our guests with complete privacy during their stay.
Well, I I do appreciate it.
- This is fantastic.
- It was no problem.
And if there's anything else I can do to make you happy, you only have to ask.
Actually, there is something, Jack.
Level with me.
That bitch, Katie, she's got the best suite in the hotel, hasn't she? Between the two of you, you have the two best suites in the hotel.
There can't be two bests.
One of them must be the best.
I bloody knew it! She's got the best suite.
Bitch.
My contract says that I should have the best suite when I'm on location.
I can assure you, you have got one of the best suites in One of the best? I want the best.
Now, you make it happen, Jack, or else I'll be very.
unhappy.
Of course.
Madam.
- What is this? - The baby carrot and ginger soup.
It's orange.
Well, yes, madam, that'll probably be the carrots.
Oh, my God.
I cannot eat orange vegetables.
They have to be green.
But madam ordered the carrot soup.
Are you trying to sabotage my diet? Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay looking like this? No.
'Cause you're too busy running around after Tom to care about me.
Oh, sorry.
Oi, move! Mmm.
Oh, dear God.
Your messages, sir! Thank you.
You cannot handle the truth! Jack Nicholson.
Here's Johnny.
You're trying to get a part in the film, aren't you? What do you know about acting? I know that I can act.
I know that you can't.
We'll just see who gets a part, then.
Oi, Chico, out of the chair! - Call me.
- Right.
See you soon, Rachel.
Anna.
Not that one! The red one! This one? No, the other red.
The red.
Red? I'm sorry for barging in.
Can I help at all? I can't find my red lipstick.
I need my red lipstick.
I am sure we can find it for you.
No one understands! No one understands how hard it is.
The filming, the travelling, the endless premieres and interviews, it's so hard! What did she say? She was sympathising.
She said it must be very tough.
Oh, she understands.
Thank you.
Yes, uh, thank you, Tanya.
I'll take it from here.
My fans understand.
The producers, they don't appreciate my talent.
Really? In that scene, in Love Stinks, where you Where you seduce your best friend's husband Wow.
And you did it all with your eyes.
That's what I'm talking about.
We gotta shoot this sex scene.
Simon says I have to be topless.
He says it's all about the tit shot.
I am more than just a spectacular pair of tits.
Of course you are.
You are a stunning actress.
Well, everyone's running around after Tom 'cause of this Botox thing it's like I'm invisible.
Why don't I just go crazy and shave my head? Nobody would even notice.
They even insisted Tom have the best suite.
Personally, I don't get it.
I mean, you are obviously the star.
- Tom has the best suite? - Yeah.
See? No respect.
How about.
I tell Tom that there's a problem with the plumbing in his suite? We move him out, and we move you in.
You'd do that? For you, anything.
- Oh, this is definitely the best suite.
- This is definitely the suite.
in the hotel.
Can I get some exercise equipment in here? Big plasma screen.
- And in LA, they have silk bed linen.
- A load of black-and-white movies.
And some orchids.
White, not yellow.
And a Wii.
And a retro Space Invaders arcade machine.
Do you know what would be really fantastic? A water feature.
Last time I stayed here one of your people arranged for this lovely girl to come and visit.
And she had the most divine brown skin.
I'll see what I can do.
You think you can bribe the director with your little tray of snick-snacks? Right.
We settle this now.
Like men.
Adrian! Adrian! Show me the money! Show me the money! - Adrian! - Show me the money! - Adrian - Show me the money! - Rocky Balboa.
- Cuba Gooding Jr.
If I give you both parts in the film, do you promise to leave me alone? Oh, we no trouble you no more.
Man behind bar.
Philosophical wedding planner.
Learn your lines.
Hollywood! Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
All right there, Jack? You seem to be doing a lot of running around.
- Need any help? - No, uh, everything's fine.
Thanks for coming to look at the plumbing.
It's just this way.
Thanks.
So now he's arranging hookers for guests? I thought that was your job.
Yeah, so it used to be.
I like both of them.
How do I choose? I always thought I wanted a huge and spectacular wedding.
And now I think I'd like romantic and simple.
Oh, I'm so confused.
That's when you know you're in love.
I knew it.
So, the style of the wedding she's going to have.
is some big metaphor for which man she should choose.
Please.
Who writes this crap? Look at her.
She is already cheating on her boyfriend.
with some crusty old man.
You should have heard her earlier.
going on about how amazing her relationship is.
She's such a fraud.
- That's when you know you're in love.
- Oh, that was lovely.
- Was it good? - Yeah.
A horse, he walk into a bar.
And the barman say "Why the long face?" - A horse, he have a long face.
- Long face, yeah.
It's funny.
This is a bloody great hotel.
Oh.
I guess that means we're staying.
I don't know what you did, but, uh Thank you.
Okay, gents.
Drink time.
I'm buying, boys.
How is your first day as general manager going? Fine.
No problem.
Piece of cake.
Glad to hear it.
- Good night.
Good night, Jack.
So, uh, the good news is, the movie will continue filming in the hotel.
Gino, your acting career is safe.
Until they see your acting, anyway.
Oh, I think somebody is a little bit jealous.
- The director say I have a gift.
- No, the director said you had a lisp.
There is just one other thing I want to talk to you about.
I've noticed there seems to be a drinking culture.
developing amongst the staff.
I'm not pointing any fingers or anything but no one should be drinking alcohol whilst they're on duty.
Tell that to the guys in the kitchen.
But it's not just the guys in the kitchen.
Now, alcohol abuse is a huge problem within the hospitality industry.
A drink at the end of the shift is hardly alcohol abuse.
Look, I'm not suggesting anyone's an alcoholic.
I mean, at least I hope they're not.
Look, anyway, if it is the end of your shift then surely you can wait a few more minutes.
So no more boozing on the job, okay? Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Yes.
Come in! How can I help? We were wondering, when you go to watch one of Katie's films what do you expect to see? I expect to see.
some great acting, and a great story.
Thank you.
- You don't expect to see her tits? - I'm sorry? I guess that's why you advised Katie.
not to go topless in this sex scene we're about to film.
Tell Simon what you said to me, about how I can do it all with my eyes.
I, um Well, I didn't mean I mean, I was talking generally that I'm sorry.
A 16-year-old boy is not interested in your eyes.
He doesn't care if you've got cataracts.
They're not looking at your eyes! Front and centre, my friend.
Front and centre! Is that all I am to you, is just a pair of tits? It's not like I haven't seen them before.
I could pick them out in a line-up.
You're not asking Tom to get his dick out.
Oh, no! He's an actor! Whoa! Tits and dicks aren't the same thing.
The tits stay in the picture! I will not do the scene topless.
I am an artist.
Listen to me, honey.
You are an artist with a great pair of tits.
The cinema-going public wanna see your tits.
The financiers want to see your tits.
I want to see your tits! And he wants to see your tits! - Tell her! - He respects me.
He respects your tits.
You've seen her tits, haven't you? - He's not interested in my tits.
- Of course he is! Look at him.
He's a tit man! He's an eye man.
- Tit man! Tell her! - Tell him eyes.
- Tits.
- Eyes.
Tits! I hate you! - She misinterpreted what I was saying.
- Oh.
She was upset, and I was trying to reassure her.
- Hey, it's all right.
- Oh.
You just torpedoed a $20 million movie.
We'll sue you.
Get me our lawyers on the phone.
Everything all right? Yeah.
Fine.
It's all good.
Thanks.
Oh, this is him handling it personally.
I think you might need to get involved in this one.
Hmm.
What? Hiya, Katie.
It must be so hard for you as an actress of integrity.
in this sexist, male-dominated industry.
Bloody men.
Come on in.
Hi.
Mineral water, please.
Thanks.
- Hi! We met yesterday.
- Oh, hi.
Can I just say, I think it's great that you're taking Anna to New York.
- She's fantastic.
- Yeah, yeah, I think so, too.
I told her to go for it.
"Just stop worrying," I said.
And besides, very cute.
Oh, here she is.
Well, you two have a good time in New York.
He's lovely.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Um, were you talking to that girl about us? Yeah, I was just telling her about our trip to New York.
Yeah, she said that you should stop worrying, that, um Thank you.
That you should go for it.
What did she mean? - Don't you want to go? - No, of course I do.
Well, what was she talking about? I was just a bit confused.
- About us? - No, no, no, it's not like it sounds.
I shouldn't have got the tickets.
No, I knew it was over the top.
No, it's It's really lovely.
It's just everything's moving quite quickly.
Yeah, and it's my fault.
I shouldn't have been so pushy.
- I should go.
- No, I'm sorry.
No, no, look, if you're confused, then you need some space to sort it out.
It's not like that.
- It's better if I go.
- Ned I'm sorry.
Erm, call me.
When you're ready.
You know, this really isn't down to me.
I didn't say she shouldn't do the scene topless.
Tell it to the judge, my friend.
Can we talk about the sex scene? Not with him here.
I'd like her to stay.
Do you mind? Okay.
Ouch! I think we have a solution.
Okay, people.
We need to be ready to shoot this scene in 30 minutes.
Let's go.
Okay, you heard the man.
Let's go, people.
Imagine you're making a movie.
Oh, it's all sorted.
They're not going to sue you.
Right, so she's agreed to do it? I can't actually say.
I signed a confidentiality agreement.
But you have nothing to worry about.
Don't you think you should have consulted me before getting involved? I'm sorry, I should consult you before sorting out the mess that you created? - I was dealing with it.
- Oh, okay.
Well, great job.
Next time, I'll leave you to it.
In this job, you need a drink every now and then.
You do a double shift on reception, you need a large drink! And several chasers.
I mean, you're telling me Jack has never had a drink on duty? You know, we should spike the bugger.
Get him completely pissed.
Yeah, then when he's unconscious shave off his eyebrows and all his pubic hair! - Oh! - Maybe just the eyebrows.
Come on, he's still finding his feet.
Give him a chance.
He'll calm down.
All right, if he doesn't, we go for the old spike and shave, all right? You told Ned I'm confused.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I was telling him that it's okay.
Oh, well done.
Nice work.
Because now he's just walked off.
See, maybe if you weren't so pissed all the time you'd realise what it is that you're doing.
- Sorry? - And all that bullshit.
about you and your amazing boyfriend, when there you are.
off round the hotel flirting with every man you see.
Yeah, I saw that sleazy old man leaving your room.
So if you're going to be a slut, at least be a slut with standards.
- What, do you think this is funny? - The old man you saw leaving my room I'm not shagging him, he's my doctor.
- Well, you don't look ill to me.
- I'm dying.
- What do you mean, you're dying? - I've got pancreatic cancer.
I've got six months to live.
But can't they do something with lasers or something? This is it.
This is why I'm here.
One final blowout before I start going downhill.
It's my last chance to wear dresses like this.
So where's your boyfriend? Why isn't he here? He's not exactly my boyfriend any more.
I left when I realised I was ill.
I don't want him looking after me when I'm throwing up all the time.
He doesn't know, does he? I wanted to give him the chance to find someone who's not gonna lose their hair.
You should tell him.
What, "Hey, Sam, guess what, I'm dying"? No, thanks.
- Well, he'd want to know.
- I can't.
It's not fair.
No, of course it's not fair.
But he'll be even more upset if he finds out he couldn't be there for you.
You should give him the chance to decide.
I don't want him looking after me just 'cause he feels guilty.
You don't know how he's going to feel.
I'm so sorry that you're ill but that's crap.
I wouldn't know what to say to him.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Hi, I'm calling from Hotel Babylon and you've been selected as the winner from our prize draw.
This means you've won one night free in our top suite.
Just call this number to collect your prize.
Jack.
Jack.
Psst! Who's the girl in the bar? The blonde.
Ah, I'm not sure.
I don't think she's a guest.
Right.
Well, she's lovely.
See if you can get her to come up to my room.
Off you pop.
Good man.
Cheese! No photos! What's wrong with you people? Cheese! Celebrities take all sorts of measures to avoid publicity.
when they're staying in hotels.
I have a reservation.
Snow White.
Right.
So which one's Grumpy? When there are several celebrities staying at the same time the room service orders alone can get ridiculous.
Fruit salad for Snow White grilled tuna for Miss Flintstone.
and a cheese and pickle sandwich for Donald Duck.
Some of the measures they take to avoid being spotted.
are often just a ruse for generating more publicity.
Celebrities ask to be sneaked out the back door but only after they've tipped off the paparazzi.
Let's get this party started.
# Mama, just killed a man.
# Put a gun against his head.
# Pulled the trigger, now he's dead.
# Mama, life has just begun.
# And now I've gone and thrown it all away.
# Mama.
# Ooh.
# Didn't mean to make you cry.
# If I'm not back again this time tomorrow # Carry on, carry on.
# As if nothing really matters.
- Hi.
- Hi.
# I see a little silhouetto of a man.
# Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango? # Thunderbolt and lightning Very, very frightening me.
# Galileo, Galileo # Galileo, Galileo.
# Galileo, Figaro # Magnifico.
# I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me.
# He's just a poor boy from a poor family.
# Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
# Easy come, easy go Will you let me go? # Bismillah, no! # We will not let him go.
# Let him go! # Bismillah.
# We will not let him go # Let him go! # Bismillah # We will not let him go.
# Let me go! # Will not let him go! # Let me go! # Will not let him go! # Let me go! # No! # No, no, no, no, no, no! # Mamma mia, mamma mia.
# Mamma mia # I make it for the film wrap party.
It's called "The Hollywood".
Oh, catchy name.
- Oh, yeah.
That's good.
- Hope there's no alcohol in that.
I'm testing it for Gino.
It's called "The Hollywood".
Yeah, I'm not sure there's a difference between testing it and drinking it.
You're not gonna make a big deal.
about me having one sip of a cocktail, are you? Tony, I did say I didn't want anyone drinking while they're on duty.
And, oh, yes, that looks like a drink to me.
Jack, I know you've only been in the job two days and I don't know what it is they taught you on that management course but this really isn't the way to do it.
Yeah, but I'm doing it for everyone's benefit.
Gino, can you pour it away, please? I've been telling everyone to cut you some slack.
I've defended you.
Now I'm giving you a chance to back down.
You really don't want to piss me off.
You know, I really, really don't need you to defend me.
Gino, pour it away.
Fine.
You're on your own.
You're crocodile meat.
That boy have a big cork up his ass, eh? - Hello.
Jack, I need you.
- What the hell happened? - Nothing.
She fell over.
We were dancing and Okay, she's breathing.
Have you called an ambulance? No.
No, no, no.
Think of the publicity.
I can't be involved with this.
- You'll have to deal with this.
- What? - I'm supposed to be on set.
- I'm sorry, you're leaving? You brought her up here.
This is down to you.
You might need these.
Hey, she took them off.
It happens.
I owe you one.
It will take more than a bit of make-up to turn him into an actor.
They should have screen-tested me.
Look.
- What am I looking at? - I've got film-star cheekbones.
Hi, I'm Sam Quinn.
I'm here to receive my prize.
- Prize? Sorry, sir? - Tony, it's okay.
I'll deal with this.
Right, if you'd just like to, um, step this way we're going to do the presentation in one of the rooms upstairs.
- Tell me something.
Who are the suits? - Oh, they're the film's financiers.
I get the feeling they're not happy about something.
No way! - Excuse me.
Oh, it's the boy wonder.
- Oh! - Jack, hi, how can I help you? - Tony, I need your help.
Uh, well, my hands are a little tied at the moment.
That's serious.
No, sorry, I don't think I can get away.
Emily? No, I haven't seen her.
Sorry, Jack, you're gonna have to speak Bad ine You're breaking up I'm Losing you.
Tony? Do you think he's in trouble? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Excuse me.
Where the hell have you been? The financiers are going crazy! Simon, I'm sorry.
I was learning my lines.
- Been topping up the Botox? Quiet on set, please.
Don't you ever tire of being such a complete bitch? Are you two finished yet? Stand by.
You know, I'm really loving the mascara on you.
Yeah, it really defines your eyes.
Hey.
Break your legs.
And action.
- Hi.
- Aloha.
Oh, God, is he really gonna do it like that? Cut! So, this is the, uh, third floor.
It's also known as the fuchsia floor.
And, uh, here's your surprise.
- Sam.
- Rachel.
I thought you two needed to talk.
What is this? - Did you put her up to this? - No.
- So why am I here? - I don't know.
I didn't want to see you.
- Just gonna let him go? - I told you.
I didn't want him to know.
Anna, no! - Sam! - Just stay away from me.
Sam, wait! Sam, wait! Sam! No, no, wait.
- You have to talk to her.
- Sam! Leave me alone.
You're insane.
She's dying.
Hi, how are you? What happened? Well, I was just passing and I heard a crash.
and found you like this.
Think you had a bit too much to drink.
No, that actor was here.
Tom Charles.
- Were you touching me? - No.
No! Did he leave me like this? He's famous.
I could go to the papers.
No, I don't think you want to do that.
I'm sure we can work something out.
Yeah? Like what? Because this all looks pretty bad to me.
Yeah.
She left because she doesn't want you to go through it.
She doesn't want you to see her like this.
She was trying to protect you.
I'm sorry, but we've got a huge problem.
Another one? - Where is everybody? - We've been shut down.
The financiers saw Tom and Katie in action.
They said it was one of the worst on-screen chemistries they've ever seen.
- They pulled the plug.
- They can't actually do that, can they? Of course they can.
It's their money.
They can do whatever they like.
I'm afraid it means we won't be able to pay our bill.
- No.
- I'm sorry.
But it's huge.
I mean, it's massive.
It's over It's over £300,000.
I guess you could sue us.
But the production company is effectively bankrupt so you'd be wasting your time.
What am I going to tell the hotel's owners? I've only been in this job for two days! I did everything I could! Tom, Katie Chico.
The chemistry wasn't there.
The least you could let me do is buy you a drink.
Yeah, could I, um I'm on duty! - Keep 'em coming, Chico.
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
You should have told me.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I want to be there for you.
It's okay.
- Hello? - Hi, Ned.
- Anna.
- Can you meet me after work? - Uh, sure.
- Thanks.
I didn't ask to be general manager.
They've invested so much money in me.
All the training and the qualifications, when they asked if I wanted it I couldn't say no.
I know everyone thinks I'm too young.
That I'm this overqualified idiot.
I just wanted to prove them wrong.
Two days.
Two days, and I have screwed it all up! No one can run this place on their own.
Don't try and do everything yourself.
You need to let us do our jobs.
We're actually pretty good at them.
I behaved like a total arsehole.
Are you asking me for help? Yeah.
Okay.
Just as long as we're clear about the arsehole thing.
Yeah.
Cyrano de Bergerac, that's a bit ambitious.
Maybe.
But if we can create some genuine chemistry.
between these two actors, we may save the film.
You work on her.
We'll work on him.
Well, that is, of course, unless Jack would rather handle it personally.
No, and, uh, thanks for coming back in.
I, uh I really appreciate it.
No problem.
Okay, first things first.
Now, this girl who knocked herself out - is she a blonde? - Yeah.
How did you know? Hello, Lily.
- Oh, crap.
Lily hangs around in five-star hotels.
waiting for rich, famous men to pick her up.
Then she gets up to their room, causes a scene and then threatens to go to the tabloids unless they pay her off.
It's something like that, isn't it, Lily? Girl's gotta make a living.
Come on, put that down.
Get your tights on, we're going.
Thank you, Lily.
No doubt we'll be seeing you again.
Little bit of advice.
When you're putting a girl's knickers on try getting them the right way around.
Don't ask.
The film getting shut down, it's all Tom's fault.
The ego on the guy.
Water.
It's weird.
I was in his suite earlier, and he was watching one of your films and he kept going on and on about how insanely talented you were.
Really? He said I was talented? Mmm-hmm.
He has every single one of your films.
And photographs of you.
See for yourself if you want.
Maybe it would be better if you did this.
Your confidence has taken a knock.
You fall off the horse, you get straight back on.
Just remember, I'll be on the other end of this if you need me.
Off you go.
I mean, the film shutting down.
It's all her bloody fault.
You know, the only talent she's got is right there.
And they're not even hers.
There's your in.
Go for it.
Well, uh, it must have been hard for her acting opposite you.
- What? - I mean She was probably intimidated by your vast talent.
She was probably intimidated by your vast talent.
Yeah, true.
I heard her talking about you.
- I heard her talking about you.
- Hmm.
And, uh, well, she was saying that There's a guy climbing the fire escape.
There's a guy climbing the fire escape.
- What? - Mustafa, get off this channel! - Mustafa, get off this channel! - What? Who the hell's Mustafa? He's the guy that Katie was talking to when she That's That's the guy that Katie was talking to when I heard her say.
that you are the most talented comic actor of your generation.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
What else did she say? Hold on, let me buy you a drink.
Oh, um, I can't.
I'm on duty.
Sod that.
I'm buying you a drink.
And I need to hear this.
Do you really want to screw this up for the sake of one drink? Thanks.
I'll, uh I'll have a whisky.
Right, Gino.
Mmm, two large whiskies.
Hmm.
Don't worry.
Your secret will be safe with us.
I'll leave you the bottle.
Good man.
Cheers.
So, tell me more.
I mean, she is completely obsessed with you.
You know, she's like, "Tom this, Tom that.
He's so brilliant! "Yet so modest.
" Well, he's a natural once he's got a few drinks inside him.
He better be.
Otherwise he ruin my acting career.
Are you wearing make-up? Living the life of an actor, my friend.
Oh, my God! I should have seen it before.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I should have seen it earlier.
Of course.
Huh! - She's obviously totally - He's obviously in love with me.
Totally in love with me.
Why on earth shall I help him after the way he spoke to me? Because there was a time when you didn't know what you were doing, either.
Not to mention he's doing your pay review next month.
- Good point.
Jack? - Yes? - Is he drunk? - Ever so slightly.
Look.
We sit Tom and Katie facing each other.
One here, one at table six.
If we keep the tables in the middle clear they will have a direct line of sight.
It will almost be like they're dining together.
I will have Chef devise a special menu.
The dishes will contain every aphrodisiac known to man.
This will be sex on a plate.
Ah! Christ.
Mmm.
Ooh! Ooh! I'll have what she's having.
It's working.
Just one more thing to do.
When they see how much publicity they're gonna get as a couple my guess is that they won't be able to stop themselves running with it.
A list of my press contacts.
You're saying we leak a story about them? No, no, no.
I told everyone strictly no leaks to the media.
Well, you can stick by that if you want to.
The film company won't be able to pay their bill, and you'll lose your job.
Or you could step up to the plate and show everyone.
you've got what it takes to be the general manager.
My advice is that you throw out the rulebook.
Do whatever you've got to do to get the job done.
It's your call.
Look at that, mate.
Hotel Babylon's made all the front pages.
Hold on, I'll just be a minute.
You off? Sam's taking me home.
- This is for you.
- No, I can't.
For everything.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
I just want to know where I stand.
Do you want to Yeah.
It's It's just everything was happening so fast.
And, well, I just needed some time to get my head around it all.
Well, and now that I have Well, I really want to be with you.
Are you sure? I'm not trying to rush you.
No, no, no.
Completely, and I'd love to go to New York with you, if you still want to go with me.
More than ever.
Come on.
All the bitching, the fighting, the arguing When I said that I hated you well, what I really meant to say was, "I love you.
" Prove it.
Cut! - Tremendous.
Thank you very much.
How long do you think they'll last? I think they'll be married, adopted a couple of Malawian babies and divorced within three months.
Oh, somebody looks happy.
Well, the financiers are loving it.
We're back in business.
I'll go and prepare your bill.
- Tony, um - Yes? Thanks.
It's okay.
So, tell me, how did you get Katie to do the sex scene? I thought she was refusing to go topless.
Ah, we used a breast double.
This double-breast woman, maybe I can meet her.
I'm afraid her identity is strictly confidential.
Show me my mark, because I am ready to do some acting.
Actually, guys, we've had a rethink.
We don't need you any more.
We've merged both your parts to create a new role.
It's 007.
Licence to grill.
Running a hotel is a bit like making a movie.
It isn't an exact science.
There's no one set of rules to follow.
We have to learn which rules to bend and which ones to break.
Where are you off to next? Just like the film director, the most important thing.
a new general manager needs to do is get their staff on side.
That way, they might just survive.
Cheers.
Cheers.
A full-on brawl in the lobby.
It's classy.
Eddie, I'm not getting you another girl.
You're the resident pimp, aren't you? - You're sacked.
- You've got to get out of here.
Please.
You think you're pretty clever, don't you? No, I think I'm pretty and clever.
You want to make an enemy of Gino? - You can't hurt me.
- We'll see about that.
Dan Black levitated in the lift earlier.
I do not want to know about your sordid little encounters.
Now you're jealous of my relationship with Chloe.
Have I ever lied to you, James? It's notes on how he's going to disappear today.
Steal it, now! I think we'll get out right now! Leave her.