iCarly s03e06 Episode Script

Okay, so Thursday afternoon.
Me and Carly were walking through the lobby Minding our own business While Lewbert was sitting at his desk eating falafels.
A spherical middle eastern food made from the chickpea.
Chickpea.
And now, we're gonna show you what Lewbert did.
Thanks to Freddie's hidden cameras.
Playback.
I'm number one baby, always number one baby Hey! No song singing in my lobby.
What's your problem? You! He pelted us with falafel balls.
Which is why we decided it's time for another installment of So after school today Me, Carly, and Fred-pus snuck into Lewbert's office And installed two more hidden cameras.
And, we also left Lewbert a little surprise.
Which we're gonna give him right now.
Going live to Lewbert.
Bushwell Plaza.
Don't go into your office.
What? Who is this? And do not open the cabinet over the TV.
Don't open the what-- nobody tells me what cabinets not to open! Switching to the office cam.
I don't take orders from no unanimous caller.
I'll open any cabinet I feel like! In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give it your best Oh yeah, that's fine.
And definitely best part of the night.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, we all love that.
Okay, who would like a super special after Web show snack? What sort of snackage we're talking about here? We are talking about a tray of red velvet cupcakes with cream filling.
Whoa.
From cupcake Jake's? Yep.
Cupcake for you.
Cupcake for Sam.
Cupcake for me.
Mm-hmm.
My cupcake's hollow.
So's mine.
What happened to the cream filling? They're all empty.
How did they? So what do you think happened? You snuck downstairs before the Web show and sucked the filling out of all these cupcakes.
Your point being? You call cupcake Jake's right now and order us 12 more of these.
Okay.
Can you believe her? You're surprised? No.
Hey, where's my phone? Maybe, you accidentally inhaled it when you were De-creaming the cupcakes.
I know I left my phone in this pocket.
Hey, didn't you call your mom from Lewbert's office when we were rigging the golf balls? Oh man, I left my phone in Lewbert's office.
Come, help me get it.
No, I have to try and give my cupcakes a transfusion.
Then, you're helping me.
Oh, no.
I'm not gonna risk getting caught and then having my mother find out that-- oh, come on.
Sam, how do you do this?! We'll be back in a few.
Cupcake sucker! You kids have fun.
No, no! Kay pasta? What up with the vest? It's my building watch uniform.
Oh yeah, how was the tenants' meeting? You know, three more apartments in this building were robbed last weekend? What'd they steal this time? Same thing, TV remotes.
What kinda burglar breaks into people's apartments just to steal TV remotes? A remote control freak.
Anyway, I fell asleep in the meeting, and was unwillingly appointed to be on the building watch patrol by Mrs.
Benson.
I got it.
Comin'.
Oh, hi Mrs.
Benson.
What can I do for you? I've assigned you a building watch partner.
A partner? I see.
Aren't you Gabriella.
Right.
Well, I certainly look forward to you and me patrolling the-- Gabriella is my watch partner, stupid.
Okay, well then who is mine? Have you met Chuck? No.
Stupid golf balls, all over my floor, almost killed me! My life ain't sad enough! Ready? What's the plan? Aah, Freddie! Aah! No, who tumped 'em over? Him.
Me? No.
No, no, no-- you're gonna help me pick up every dang last one of these balls! I need to see these golf balls being picked up.
My mother raised me Interesting.
Aww.
Lewbert on his seventh birthday with his new bicycle.
Aww.
He almost seems normal.
Yeah.
Uh oh.
What? Lewbert on his seventh birthday, after being run over by a car.
Aww.
Carls, come look at this.
No.
I don't feel right about looking at Lewbert's personal items.
Lewbert's modeling portfolio.
Lewbert was a male model? Hh-mmm.
Show me, show me, show me now.
Open it.
Okay, hold your sauce.
No way.
Medio litro.
Oh man, ooh.
Oh, boy.
Look, no wart.
These must have been taken before it grew.
Yeah, I doubt there was a big demand for male models with humongous cheek warts.
Hey, check out this DVD.
Happy Valentine's day to lewbert, my love.
That can only be from his mother.
She's blind.
Uh-uh.
Look--from Marta.
Should we play it? Play it! We're going to play it! We're going to play it.
I'm doing it, okay.
Come on, put on the DVD.
I--it has to load.
Okay here we go, here we go.
Oh, my God! Lewbert had a girlfriend.
And, she's human.
And, like, not hideous.
Lewbert's smiling.
He actually looks not miserable.
And wart free.
I can't believe that at one point in his life lewbert was actually happy.
Well, you know what we have to do.
Get my mom to start shaving her armpits? It's like two sweaty jungles up in there.
Sam.
We gotta find this Marta Trundel woman and hook her up with lewbert again.
Why? So he'll be happy.
Yeah, can you imagine how much better our lives would be here if lewbert was happy? Now my life's all good and it's understood that I'm here to say that I know that when I'm still smiling the sun's still shining so bright wherever I go so wipe away the tears and love everyone that you've been thinking of it feels good to feel right it feels good to feel right it feels good to feel right I really doubt balloons would rain down.
But we could get hot towels.
And fancy fruits.
Okay, but that video was made like 10 years ago.
For all we know, this Marta Trundel chick could be dead.
She looked like she was in her 20's in that video.
How could she be dead now? Car accident, poison taco, fork in the neck, mauled by bears.
She's not dead.
I just found her splashface page.
Look at this.
Marta Trundel, age 34, lives in Portland, Oregon.
Oh, and she is single.
And check out her mood, lonely.
Okay, I think our mission is clear.
Yep.
We email Marta, then buy a weed whacker for my mom's armpits.
Ew.
Help, help.
I've been robbed.
Help, my apartment was robbed.
No way, what happened? Well, I left my house at around 4:30, and then I went to build-a-bra, where I built the most lovely bra.
And then I just got home, and all my TV remotes were missing.
Gaaahhh!, the burglar musta snuck right past us.
Augh! I just don't know what to do.
Well, neither do I.
I've never been burglarized before.
Ma'am.
What if the burglar-- ma'am! I know you're upset, and I understand that you feel violated.
I do.
But right now, the best thing you can do, is go home, have a glass of milk, relax, and let us do our jobs.
My partner and I are gonna find the guy who took your TV remotes, and we're gonna take him down.
All right.
Thank you.
Wow.
That was impressive.
What is that, a compliment? Maybe.
I thought you hated me.
I thought you hated me.
That was then.
Now, we're building watch partners.
Building watch partners.
You know when I kicked the wall? Yeah.
I hurt my foot bad.
Marta? Okay, just wait a few more seconds.
Marta's right outside.
Where's lewbert? He's in there.
Start the music.
Okay.
You're rolling? In 5 Are you rolling? Yes.
Hey, lewbert! Lewbert! I'm comin'! Of love a love so hard to find a love that stands through time get out! Oh my God.
No! Oh God.
Get out.
Get out.
Marta, why don't you wait there and I'll go talk to lewbert? Sure.
Lewbert, open the door.
Are you alone? Yes.
Ooh.
How did she find me? We called her.
Oh, why? To make you happy! What makes you think that beast would make me happy? Well, we sorta looked through your box of deeply personal items and we found a DVD that-- you what? You've ruined my life! He's really excited that you're here.
Why?! You're staying at the hotel across the street, right? Yes.
Maybe you ought to go check in.
Oh, Freddie, take her bags.
Sure.
Thank you.
No.
Calm down.
I ain't going out there! She's gone, open the door.
Where's Lewb? In the corner, rocking.
Argh! What's wrong with you? I mean, other than all the usual stuff that's wrong with you? You little chickens don't realize what you've done.
That monstress nearly ruined my life.
But in the pictures we saw, you and Marta looked so happy.
That was the first two weeks of our relationship.
But once women get you, they change.
Have you ever noticed this wart? No, not really.
I haven't.
She caused it.
It's sprouted when that devil came into my life.
Oh, come on-- that nice lady did not cause your wart.
Did too! The doctors call it a stress wart.
It's getting bigger.
You wanna feel it? Oh, no.
No, thank you.
I'm a vegetarian.
Look, just get outta here! Come on.
We're sorry.
We'll just tell Marta to go back to Portland.
No, she won't leave! She's relentless.
What do you mean? weeks, I tried to break up with her, but she refused.
Then, how'd you get away? I took her on a cruise and when we were a mile off the coast of porta viar-toe, I jumped overboard and swam to shore.
Then I moved to Seattle, changed my last name, and got a job as a stinking doorman.
Now, that she's found me, she will never leave me alone.
Oh, that's silly.
Lewbert, are you in there? Lewbert? Lewbert? Hey hey, what's this guy? Hi, hey.
Hold up there, gym bag.
What, me? We'll ask the questions.
What's in the bag? Nothin'.
If you'll excuse me-- hold it.
Open the bag.
Get him! Any TV remotes? No.
Just a bunch of fig nooters.
What-up with the fig nooters? Talk.
Okay, okay.
They're my favorite cookie and my wife, she won't let me eat 'em.
So four nights a week I fill that bag with fig nooters, and I tell my wife that I'm going to the gym, but I'm not going to the gym.
I'm going down to the parking garage and eat as many fig nooters as I can.
Please.
Please don't tell my wife.
Please don't tell her.
Please.
It's okay, man.
We won't tell her.
You can take your fig nooters and go.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Wait! Give us some nooters.
Now, get outta here, you make me sick.
Marta's here.
Where? Down in the lobby.
She just walked into lewbert's office.
Why? I don't know.
I can't see through doors.
Ow.
Man, I'd kill to know what's going on down there.
Well, we do have the hidden cameras we set up for messing with lewbert.
Yeah, but I don't know if we should-- on screen! C'mon, lewbert.
I got us front row seats to the Seattle philharmonic.
No.
But we'll have such fun.
See? She's totally nice.
I don't wanna go anywhere with you.
You'll do what I tell you! And there it is.
You need a haircut.
A haircut? I don't want a haircut! Did I ask what you wanted? Come here.
No! No! No! Lemme go! Lemme go! Who gives haircuts by force? I don't know, but if this was a real TV show, it'd be more popular than anything on NBC.
She is a monstress.
What have we done? So here's the thing.
When we called you and said you should come to Seattle and hook back up with lewbert, we were wrong to do that.
Oh.
No, well, I've been trying to find lewbert for the better part of 10 years, and I never would have found him without you.
Yeah, I know.
But, I think lewbert's, you know, changed since you guys dated.
And now, maybe, you're not so right for each other.
You skunk bag! Huh? I know exactly what's going on here.
Well, then explain it to me 'cuz-- you want me out of the picture so you can have lewbert to yourself.
Huh-- lewbert for my-- I'm fifteen.
Hey, Chuck.
Oh.
What's up, Spence? You were supposed to meet me on the 9th floor 20 minutes ago.
Yeah, I just have to take out this garbage first.
In a pillowcase? I meant laundry.
But, that's not your apartment.
I know.
I'm doing laundry for the people who live here while they're in Wisconsin.
And, who lives there? You know, Mr.
and Mrs.
Harlensenchester.
No, the Harlensenchesters moved out over a year ago.
Dang it.
TV remotes? Why? 'Cuz my dad grounded me and he won't let me watch TV for a month.
And if I can't watch TV, then nobody gets to.
But, if you're the thief then why did you join the building watch patrol? 'Cuz no one suspects a guy in a vest.
Well, I'm sorry, Chuck.
But you've dishonored the vest.
I'm calling the police.
Then you better tell 'em you need a need a new pear phone.
Why? This is the new g5.
What's wrong with it-- hey! Come back here, Chuck.
You punks ruined my life! Carly's upstairs talking to Marta right now.
So? She's gonna get her to leave.
Oh, you don't know Marta.
Nothin' will get rid of her.
She's a virus with bosoms.
Yeah, well, I think Carly can handle Marta.
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam! Stop running! Sam! If you think you can come between me and my lewbert-- uh-- thanks Sam.
No worries.
I like hitting ladies with pineapples.
Hit her with it again.
She's still breathing! Hey! Leave me alone.
Come here, Chuck.
You better back off.
You're not fit to wear that vest.
Come here, hey! Come back here! Hold it! Everybody, stop right now.
Now, what's goin' on here? What is going on here? Officer, I'm Spencer shay, building watch patrolman.
Good for you.
What's the problem? Well, you know how there's been a bunch of burglaries in this building? Yeah? I caught the thief.
Well, who is it? I'll tell you who it is.
It's Me! What? Yeah.
I stole all the TV remotes.
Well, it's my bedtime.
Oof.
Lewbert, why would you steal TV remotes? Because I love the way they feel against my skin in the moonlight! Just take me to jail! Away from her! How long will he be in jail? For stealing TV remotes? Probably 30 days.
I can wait 30 days.
Ugh.
How long for slapping a cop? Six months.
Oh! That's it.
Let's go.
Huh.
See you, Marta.
Yes!