Impractical Jokers (2017) s03e06 Episode Script
Toasted
Narrator: COMING UP ONE GOOD PUNCH.
Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING ONE GOOD PUNCH.
Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE? Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE? IT'S A KNOCKOUT! FOR HIS LIFE? IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHING .]
IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHING .]
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR [ LAUGHING .]
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR HEADING FOR DISASTER.
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR HEADING FOR DISASTER.
REGULAR COFFEE.
HEADING FOR DISASTER.
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S [ LAUGHTER .]
Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER BE THE RING BEARER OF Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER BE THE RING BEARER OF BAD NEWS? [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
TODAY, WE'RE DUMB WAITERS.
NO, THAT'S AN OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
NO, THAT'S AN OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEMS? TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEMS? NO! PULLEY SYSTEMS? NO! TODAY, WE ARE WAITERS AT THE NO! TODAY, WE ARE WAITERS AT THE CARNEGIE DELI.
WHILE SERVING CUSTOMERS, WE MUST DO AND SAY WHAT WE'RE TOLD.
IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
MUST DO AND SAY WHAT WE'RE TOLD.
IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
SO, WE'RE LOSERS? IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
SO, WE'RE LOSERS? YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.
HOW DO I DO THIS? HE'S A 37-YEAR-OLD GROWN MAN GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO HE'S A 37-YEAR-OLD GROWN MAN GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO PUT AN APRON ON.
GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO PUT AN APRON ON.
MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A PUT AN APRON ON.
MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES, SIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES, SIR.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
YES, SIR.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO WHAT DO YOU NEED? MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO PLATES.
MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO PLATES.
OKAY, SURE, SURE, SURE.
OKAY, SURE, SURE, SURE.
LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
KETCHUP FOR LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
KETCHUP FOR OH, FOR THE FRIES.
KETCHUP FOR OH, FOR THE FRIES.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
OH, FOR THE FRIES.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
ONE SEC.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
ONE SEC.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MURR, YOU GOT TO CORRECT THOSE PLATES AGAIN.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER THOSE PLATES AGAIN.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER TO THE WRONG SPOT.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER TO THE WRONG SPOT.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
TO THE WRONG SPOT.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL? DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL? OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL? OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY, GUYS.
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
ENJOY, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN [ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE TIME, MURR.
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE TIME, MURR.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
TIME, MURR.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
THERE YOU GO.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO, GUYS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
LET ME JUST OH, MY GOD.
LET ME JUST OH, MY GOD.
EXCELLENT.
EXCELLENT.
YES! THREE TIMES! HE'S JUST EATING IT! YES! THREE TIMES! HE'S JUST EATING IT! THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT! THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, FOLKS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, FOLKS.
ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR HI, FOLKS.
ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR ORDER? ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR ORDER? YES.
ORDER? YES.
MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON YES.
MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU TAKE THE ORDER.
THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU TAKE THE ORDER.
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
TAKE THE ORDER.
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
OKAY.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, RIGHT? YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, RIGHT? YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE RIGHT? YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? HOO HOO! TO DRINK? HOO HOO! YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
HOO HOO! YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
A COFFEE? OKAY.
YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
A COFFEE? OKAY.
OH! HE DID IT! A COFFEE? OKAY.
OH! HE DID IT! [ LAUGHING .]
OH! HE DID IT! [ LAUGHING .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHING .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH REGULAR COFFEE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
OH, WOW! THIS GUY.
OH, WOW! GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
OH, WOW! GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS TOUGH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS TOUGH.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, THAT WAS TOUGH.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, BUDDY.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, BUDDY.
OH, MY GOD.
BUDDY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ DING! .]
JOEY.
YEP.
YOU READY? YEP.
YOU READY? YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
YOU READY? YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JOE! [ LAUGHTER .]
JOE! I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
JOE! I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? THANK YOU, GUYS.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANKS FOR COMING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANKS FOR COMING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER OR? ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER OR? OH, NO.
OR? OH, NO.
OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? OH, NO.
OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE'S ALONE.
JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE'S ALONE.
OH, NO! SHE'S ALONE.
OH, NO! OH.
OH, NO! OH.
YOU'RE ALONE? OH.
YOU'RE ALONE? YEAH.
YOU'RE ALONE? YEAH.
"GOT STOOD UP OR?" YEAH.
"GOT STOOD UP OR?" DID YOU GET STOOD UP? "GOT STOOD UP OR?" DID YOU GET STOOD UP? NO.
DID YOU GET STOOD UP? NO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
GOOD FOR YOU.
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
GOOD FOR YOU.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT GOOD FOR YOU.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A "DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE ALONE?" CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE ALONE?" [ LAUGHTER .]
ALONE?" [ LAUGHTER .]
UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF [ LAUGHTER .]
UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S OKAY THERE? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S OKAY THERE? AND THEN YOU HAVE THE PICKLES.
AND THEN YOU HAVE THE PICKLES.
ARE YOU GONNA EAT ALL THOSE PICKLES? ARE YOU GONNA EAT ALL THOSE PICKLES? BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY PICKLES? BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE CHECKS? AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE CHECKS? OH, I'M SORRY.
CHECKS? OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL JUST BE YOU.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL JUST BE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JUST BE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? TELL THESE PEOPLE THE HOW YOU DOING? TELL THESE PEOPLE THE SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, TELL THESE PEOPLE THE SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR [ LAUGHTER .]
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR PASTRAMI TIT.
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR PASTRAMI TIT.
UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- PASTRAMI TIT.
UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- A PASTRAMI WHAT? UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- A PASTRAMI WHAT? I'M SORRY? A PASTRAMI WHAT? I'M SORRY? WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? I'M SORRY? WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? PASTRAMI TIT.
WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? PASTRAMI TIT.
TIT? PASTRAMI TIT.
TIT? YEAH.
TIT? YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
OKAY.
GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
OKAY.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A OKAY.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A CORNED-BEEF TIT.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A CORNED-BEEF TIT.
DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW CORNED-BEEF TIT.
DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? [ LAUGHTER .]
TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE TABLE.
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE TABLE.
SURE.
TABLE.
SURE.
YEAH.
SURE.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
SO, SAL, THE CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF SO, SAL, THE CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF WATER.
SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF WATER.
OKAY.
WATER.
OKAY.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL OKAY.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL UP WITH WATER.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL UP WITH WATER.
OH, THIS IS TEA.
UP WITH WATER.
OH, THIS IS TEA.
"PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, OH, THIS IS TEA.
"PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, SIR.
" "PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, SIR.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
SIR.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
PLEASE -- PLEASE STOP YELLING PLEASE -- PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
HUH? AT ME.
HUH? PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
HUH? PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN [ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
YOURSELF.
I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
UM I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
UM I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE UM I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE FOR ME.
OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER [ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HYDRATION.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HYDRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HYDRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A NOTE.
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A NOTE.
"I LIKE YOU.
" NOTE.
"I LIKE YOU.
" OH "I LIKE YOU.
" OH [ LAUGHTER .]
OH [ LAUGHTER .]
"DO YOU LIKE ME?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"DO YOU LIKE ME?" OH "DO YOU LIKE ME?" OH [ LAUGHTER .]
OH [ LAUGHTER .]
AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES [ LAUGHTER .]
AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND MAYBE.
UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND MAYBE.
[ LAUGHS .]
MAYBE.
[ LAUGHS .]
SO, BRING THAT LADY'S [ LAUGHS .]
SO, BRING THAT LADY'S SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP SO, BRING THAT LADY'S SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP OFF THE NOTE.
SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP OFF THE NOTE.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
OFF THE NOTE.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
"AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
"AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS "AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO YOU.
I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO YOU.
OH, GOD.
YOU.
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE OH, GOD.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE NOTE.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE NOTE.
ALL RIGHT.
NOTE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
STILL GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
STILL GOT IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
STILL GOT IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? [ LAUGHTER .]
AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR NOSE.
JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR NOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD [ LAUGHTER .]
FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT HOLDING IT.
LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT HOLDING IT.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
HOLDING IT.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? [ LAUGHTER .]
AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? NOTHING? AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? NOTHING? NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR NOTHING? NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR MOUTH, BUDDY.
NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR MOUTH, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOUTH, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
IS THAT A NO? [BLEEP.]
IS THAT A NO? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? IS THAT A NO? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? YES.
JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? YES.
OKAY.
YES.
OKAY.
DO IT NOW.
OKAY.
DO IT NOW.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY DO IT NOW.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY MOUTH.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ BUZZER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ BUZZER .]
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
[ BUZZER .]
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
HERE WE GO, Q.
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
HERE WE GO, Q.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS HERE WE GO, Q.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA ONE.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE A PASS TODAY.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE A PASS TODAY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
TAKE A PASS TODAY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR ME.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR ME.
OH, A SUB? ME.
OH, A SUB? YEAH.
OH, A SUB? YEAH.
REALLY? YEAH.
REALLY? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
REALLY? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? OH! YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? OH! ALL RIGHT.
OH! ALL RIGHT.
HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE ALL RIGHT.
HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? WE GO WAY BACK! TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
WE GO WAY BACK! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE LOSS.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE LOSS.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE LOSS.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT OF ME.
JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT OF ME.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
OF ME.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN THE WORLD.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
DON'T [BLEEP.]
THIS UP FOR ME, I SWEAR TO GOD.
DON'T [BLEEP.]
THIS UP FOR ME, FATONE, ALL RIGHT? THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
FATONE'S IN FOR Q.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK FATONE'S IN FOR Q.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK NOW, FATONE, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK NOW, FATONE, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO TAKE A ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I SWEAR TO GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE SLICES OF BREAD? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE SLICES OF BREAD? COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? SLICES OF BREAD? COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? THANK YOU.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? THANK YOU.
SHE'S NOT DONE.
THANK YOU.
SHE'S NOT DONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JOEY.
YEP.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING YEP.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, OKAY? SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, OKAY? YOU GUYS OKAY? OKAY? YOU GUYS OKAY? EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? YOU GUYS OKAY? EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
[ CHUCKLES .]
HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
[ CHUCKLES .]
EXCUSE ME.
HOW GOOD IS THAT, THOUGH? DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
IT'S LIKE -- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
IT'S LIKE -- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
REALLY GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE OH, MY GOD! AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? YOU SON OF A BITCH! WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? YOU SON OF A BITCH! HE'S UNBEATABLE! YOU SON OF A BITCH! HE'S UNBEATABLE! THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
HE'S UNBEATABLE! THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
RIGHT NOW.
JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
READY? JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
READY? [ LAUGHING .]
READY? [ LAUGHING .]
I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, [ LAUGHING .]
I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, "HELLO, EVERYONE! I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, "HELLO, EVERYONE! I'M JOEY FATONE.
"HELLO, EVERYONE! I'M JOEY FATONE.
YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST I'M JOEY FATONE.
YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" [ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES! UNBELIEVABLE.
YES! UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE YOU, MY FRIEND.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE THUMBS UP.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE THUMBS UP.
YEAH! THUMBS UP.
YEAH! [ DING! .]
YEAH! [ DING! .]
Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT [ DING! .]
Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S THE BEST DEBATER.
DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S THE BEST DEBATER.
WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, THE BEST DEBATER.
WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE WILL BE GIVEN TO US BY THE OTHER BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE WILL BE GIVEN TO US BY THE OTHER GUYS.
THE GOAL IS TO GET THE CUSTOMER TO AGREE WITH YOUR STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE CUSTOMER TO AGREE WITH YOUR STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE IT IS.
STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE IT IS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER IT IS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, GUYS.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, GUYS.
YEAH.
GUYS.
YEAH.
DUDE, WHY ARE WE IN THE STREET? YOU HAVE AN ADVANTAGE HERE, YOU KNOW.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YOU KNOW.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YEARS.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YEARS.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND YEARS.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND THIS COUNTER.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND THIS COUNTER.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT THIS COUNTER.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TELLING YOU, BUDDY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DAY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE EXCUSE ME, SIR.
COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE FOR US? COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE FOR US? OF COURSE I CAN.
FOR US? OF COURSE I CAN.
AH, HERE WE GO.
OF COURSE I CAN.
AH, HERE WE GO.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? AH, HERE WE GO.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? MY NAME'S DARRIUS.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? MY NAME'S DARRIUS.
WE'VE BEEN HAVING THIS DEBATE WE'VE BEEN HAVING THIS DEBATE FOR AN HOUR NOW.
OKAY, BRING IT ON.
FOR AN HOUR NOW.
OKAY, BRING IT ON.
WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? OKAY, BRING IT ON.
WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY [ LAUGHS .]
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I VIRGINITY.
SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THERE YOU GO.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, OKAY.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
I'M 37.
FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
I'M 37.
YEAH.
I'M 37.
YEAH.
AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
YEAH.
AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS NOW YOUR WIFE? IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS NOW YOUR WIFE? WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NOW YOUR WIFE? WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE DEED.
AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE DEED.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
DEED.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
WAIT! THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
WAIT! [ LAUGHTER .]
WAIT! [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GO.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
ALL RIGHT, GO.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR TIME.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR TIME.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR TIME.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR MORE EMBARRASSING.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR MORE EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HEAR IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I LOVE THIS GUY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I LOVE THIS GUY! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS GUY! I LOVE YOU! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
I LOVE YOU! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
YES! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
YES! ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON YES! ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG CURRENT.
POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG CURRENT.
YES.
CURRENT.
YES.
I GOT PULLED INTO THE YES.
I GOT PULLED INTO THE CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT I GOT PULLED INTO THE CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT RIPPED OFF, AND MY CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT RIPPED OFF, AND MY DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE RIPPED OFF, AND MY DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE POOL FILTER.
DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE POOL FILTER.
YEAH.
POOL FILTER.
YEAH.
LOOK AT SAL.
YEAH.
LOOK AT SAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT SAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I LOVE THIS GUY.
I LOVETHIS GUY.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER I LOVETHIS GUY.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER AT THE BELLAGIO.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER AT THE BELLAGIO.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
AT THE BELLAGIO.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH! THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
OH, MY GOSH! THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
MAN.
THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
MAN.
NO, I'M SORRY.
MAN.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
YEAH, HE'S OUT! THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
YEAH, HE'S OUT! SON OF A YEAH, HE'S OUT! SON OF A YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, SON OF A YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
SAL'S MOVING ON.
JOE VERSUS Q.
HERE WE GO.
PUT YOUR FEET AWAY.
I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
PUT YOUR FEET AWAY.
I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND YOU.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND YOU.
THERE THEY GO, THERE THEY GO.
THERE THEY GO, THERE THEY GO.
AND YOU KEEP TOUCHING YOUR BALLS.
AND YOU KEEP TOUCHING YOUR BALLS.
THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE BALLS.
THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE WE FRIENDS? THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE WE FRIENDS? RUBBING MY FEET.
WE FRIENDS? RUBBING MY FEET.
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
RUBBING MY FEET.
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
THIS IS THE DEBATE MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
THIS IS THE DEBATE DOWNSTAIRS.
THIS IS THE DEBATE DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S FLIPPED.
DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S FLIPPED.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
IT'S FLIPPED.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER HERE.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER HERE.
EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- HERE.
EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE IS MY OWN DECISION.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE IS MY OWN DECISION.
YOU'RE WRONG.
IS MY OWN DECISION.
YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
I AM THAT GUY.
SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
I AM THAT GUY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT I AM THAT GUY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT SOMEBODY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT SOMEBODY.
COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A SOMEBODY.
COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE REAL QUICK? COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE REAL QUICK? WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DEBATE REAL QUICK? WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DAY.
WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DAY.
ALL DAY.
DAY.
ALL DAY.
WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? ALL DAY.
WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A GIRAFFE.
Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BIG PIECE OF CELERY AND DIE I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BIG PIECE OF CELERY AND DIE THAT WAY.
ALL DAY.
ALL DAY.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG ALL DAY.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG LEGS.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG LEGS.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND LEGS.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND JUST CONK YOU.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND JUST CONK YOU.
[ LAUGHING .]
JUST CONK YOU.
[ LAUGHING .]
A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY [ LAUGHING .]
A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY JUSTPCK! A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY JUSTPCK! YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S JUSTPCK! YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL FOR A WHILE.
YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL FOR A WHILE.
LET'S NOT RUSH THE DEATH, LET'S NOT RUSH THE DEATH, PEOPLE.
HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO PEOPLE.
HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO GET OUT? HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO GET OUT? CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO GET OUT? CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER YOU'RE GONNA BE YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER OR WATER IN IT? YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER OR WATER IN IT? A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO OR WATER IN IT? A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO THE FACE.
A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO THE FACE.
[ LAUGHING .]
YOU WANT TO GO, YOU WANT TO GO.
YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE GO.
YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS PIECE OF CELERY? IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS PIECE OF CELERY? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? PIECE OF CELERY? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU! IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU! COMES UP YOU! COMES UP THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
COMES UP THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH A GIRAFFE? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH A GIRAFFE? IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
WITH A GIRAFFE? IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHTER .]
SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, JOE'S MOVING ON.
HERE WE GO -- FINAL ROUND.
JOE VERSUS SAL.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
JOE VERSUS SAL.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A WINNER TAKES ALL.
YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YEAH.
DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YEAH.
HERE THEY GO.
YEAH.
HERE THEY GO.
OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND HERE THEY GO.
OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
JURY, OKAY? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? FINAL ROUND.
OKAY? FINAL ROUND.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
FINAL ROUND.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
JESUS.
POWERFUL.
JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL ARTS.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL ARTS.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE ARTS.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE CITY.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE CITY.
AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? CITY.
AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
[ LAUGHING .]
ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
[ LAUGHING .]
WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR [ LAUGHING .]
WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR WAS IT GOD? WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR WAS IT GOD? OH, ALL RIGHT.
WAS IT GOD? OH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT OH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME OUT! OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME OUT! THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T OUT! THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, "OH, MY BATMAN.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, "OH, MY BATMAN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"OH, MY BATMAN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
OH! 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
OH! YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH OH! YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? [ BOTH LAUGH .]
SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? [ BOTH LAUGH .]
OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED [ BOTH LAUGH .]
OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME DAMAGE? WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME DAMAGE? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE DAMAGE? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YES.
WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YES.
JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
YES.
JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
AND THAT'S REAL POWER! JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
AND THAT'S REAL POWER! OH! AND THAT'S REAL POWER! OH! BUT WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ SPEAKING ITALIAN .]
LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I [ SPEAKING ITALIAN .]
LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? [ LAUGHTER .]
NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? [ LAUGHTER .]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
KAPOW! WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
KAPOW! [ DING! .]
KAPOW! [ DING! .]
Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q [ DING! .]
Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR SAL.
LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR SAL.
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" SAL.
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ APPLAUSE .]
PLAYS .]
[ APPLAUSE .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ APPLAUSE .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
OH, YEAH! AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
OH, YEAH! OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? OH, YEAH! OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SAL.
AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SAL.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SAL.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SPEECH.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SPEECH.
NO! SPEECH.
NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS [ LAUGHTER .]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
NO, I CAN'T.
FROM THE HEART.
NO, I CAN'T.
THAT'S FINE.
NO, I CAN'T.
THAT'S FINE.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE THAT'S FINE.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
GO AHEAD.
WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
GO AHEAD.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE GO AHEAD.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE SPEECH.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE SPEECH.
WE GOT YOU ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
SPEECH.
WE GOT YOU ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
OH [BLEEP.]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
LOOK AT HIM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
OH, MY GOD.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THIS.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN LOOK AT THIS.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT [ LAUGHTER .]
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
YES.
ON IT.
YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS WEDDING.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS WEDDING.
HERE IT COMES.
WEDDING.
HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
CHEERS! IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
YEAH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
YEAH! HERE WE GO.
YES.
YEAH! HERE WE GO.
YES.
OH [BLEEP.]
HERE WE GO.
YES.
OH [BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH [BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
OH, MY GOD.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
OH, MY GOD.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
OH, MY GOD.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
OH, YOU HATE US? I HATE YOU GUYS.
OH, YOU HATE US? I'M SORRY.
YOU HATE US? CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
HERE IT COMES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE OH, MY GOD.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
YES.
ON IT.
YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
"CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
"CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE "CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.
" BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
EVER KNOWN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR [ LAUGHTER .]
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" YEAH.
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" YEAH.
"SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY YEAH.
"SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT "SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT ROUGH-ROUGH.
" STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT ROUGH-ROUGH.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
ROUGH-ROUGH.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED [ LAUGHTER .]
"WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I "WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I COULD" TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I COULD" [ LAUGHTER .]
COULD" [ LAUGHTER .]
"I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME [ LAUGHTER .]
"I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME "I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A BIKINI.
" PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A BIKINI.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
BIKINI.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING [ LAUGHTER .]
"I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS "I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I [ LAUGHTER .]
"SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT "SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT MARRIAGE.
CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT MARRIAGE.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND MARRIAGE.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" THAT'S RIGHT.
LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" THAT'S RIGHT.
"AND THE DEVIL --" THAT'S RIGHT.
"AND THE DEVIL --" MM.
"AND THE DEVIL --" MM.
SAY IT! MM.
SAY IT! "THE DEVIL IS YOUR SAY IT! "THE DEVIL IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" "THE DEVIL IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" OH! MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" OH! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH! [ LAUGHTER .]
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON [ LAUGHTER .]
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON YOU.
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON YOU.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL YOU.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL GET SICK.
FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL GET SICK.
SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YOU'LL GET SICK.
SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! YAY! YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! YAY! BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! YAY! BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
[ CHUCKLES .]
OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
[ CHUCKLES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO BREAK A GLASS.
IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO BREAK A GLASS.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A BREAK A GLASS.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A LOT OF GLASSES.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A LOT OF GLASSES.
BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO LOT OF GLASSES.
BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK THE HYMAN BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK THE HYMAN [ LAUGHTER .]
BREAK THE HYMAN [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD! NEXT PAGE! OH, GOD! NEXT PAGE! [ LAUGHS .]
NEXT PAGE! [ LAUGHS .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHS .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS MOST FITTING TODAY.
GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS MOST FITTING TODAY.
HE SAID, "SAL" MOST FITTING TODAY.
HE SAID, "SAL" HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
HE SAID, "SAL" HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
"I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
"I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN WORLD WAR II.
" "I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN WORLD WAR II.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
WORLD WAR II.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, NO! "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING OH, NO! "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE WAR.
SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE WAR.
DON'T LET THE JAPANESE GET IN WAR.
DON'T LET THE JAPANESE GET IN YOUR WAY.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
WOW.
WOW.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL [ LAUGHTER .]
CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSI--" CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSI--" OH.
INSI--" OH.
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
OH.
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
I CAN'T SAY THIS.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
I CAN'T SAY THIS.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT I CAN'T SAY THIS.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT SPEECH, BUDDY.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT SPEECH, BUDDY.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND SPEECH, BUDDY.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.
I SHOULD KNOW.
" "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.
I SHOULD KNOW.
" [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
CHEERS.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
CHEERS.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GLASS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS
Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING ONE GOOD PUNCH.
Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE? Narrator: WHY IS JOE FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE? IT'S A KNOCKOUT! FOR HIS LIFE? IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHING .]
IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHING .]
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR [ LAUGHING .]
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR HEADING FOR DISASTER.
Narrator: WHAT'S GOT MURR HEADING FOR DISASTER.
REGULAR COFFEE.
HEADING FOR DISASTER.
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S [ LAUGHTER .]
Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER BE THE RING BEARER OF Narrator: AND WILL TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER BE THE RING BEARER OF BAD NEWS? [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
TODAY, WE'RE DUMB WAITERS.
NO, THAT'S AN OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
NO, THAT'S AN OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEM.
TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEMS? TODAY, WE'RE OLD-FASHIONED PULLEY SYSTEMS? NO! PULLEY SYSTEMS? NO! TODAY, WE ARE WAITERS AT THE NO! TODAY, WE ARE WAITERS AT THE CARNEGIE DELI.
WHILE SERVING CUSTOMERS, WE MUST DO AND SAY WHAT WE'RE TOLD.
IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
MUST DO AND SAY WHAT WE'RE TOLD.
IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
SO, WE'RE LOSERS? IF YOU REFUSE, YOU LOSE.
SO, WE'RE LOSERS? YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.
HOW DO I DO THIS? HE'S A 37-YEAR-OLD GROWN MAN GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO HE'S A 37-YEAR-OLD GROWN MAN GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO PUT AN APRON ON.
GETTING INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO PUT AN APRON ON.
MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A PUT AN APRON ON.
MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS MURR, IT WORKS THE SAME AS A TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
TRADITIONAL APRON THAT WAS INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
INVENTED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES, SIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES, SIR.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
YES, SIR.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO WHAT DO YOU NEED? MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO PLATES.
MURRAY, SWITCH THEIR TWO PLATES.
OKAY, SURE, SURE, SURE.
OKAY, SURE, SURE, SURE.
LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
KETCHUP FOR LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
KETCHUP FOR OH, FOR THE FRIES.
KETCHUP FOR OH, FOR THE FRIES.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
OH, FOR THE FRIES.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
ONE SEC.
SURE, LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.
ONE SEC.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MURR, YOU GOT TO CORRECT THOSE PLATES AGAIN.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER THOSE PLATES AGAIN.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER TO THE WRONG SPOT.
THEY KEEP FINDING THEIR WAY OVER TO THE WRONG SPOT.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
TO THE WRONG SPOT.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL? DID YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL? OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL? OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY, GUYS.
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ENJOY, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
ENJOY, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN [ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
SHE'S STILL GOT THE FORK IN HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HER HAND WITH THE HAM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE TIME, MURR.
YOU GOT TO SWITCH IT ONE MORE TIME, MURR.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
TIME, MURR.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
THERE YOU GO.
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO, GUYS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
LET ME JUST OH, MY GOD.
LET ME JUST OH, MY GOD.
EXCELLENT.
EXCELLENT.
YES! THREE TIMES! HE'S JUST EATING IT! YES! THREE TIMES! HE'S JUST EATING IT! THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT! THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
THE GUY GAVE UP.
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE'S JUST EATING IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, FOLKS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, FOLKS.
ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR HI, FOLKS.
ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR ORDER? ARE YOU READY TO PLACE YOUR ORDER? YES.
ORDER? YES.
MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON YES.
MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU MURR, REST YOUR NOTEPAD ON THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU TAKE THE ORDER.
THE TOP OF HER HEAD WHILE YOU TAKE THE ORDER.
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
TAKE THE ORDER.
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
OKAY.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, RIGHT? YOU SAID YOU WANTED A KNISH, RIGHT? YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE RIGHT? YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOTEPAD AGAINST THE HEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? AND, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? HOO HOO! TO DRINK? HOO HOO! YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
HOO HOO! YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
A COFFEE? OKAY.
YEAH, I'LL HAVE A COFFEE.
A COFFEE? OKAY.
OH! HE DID IT! A COFFEE? OKAY.
OH! HE DID IT! [ LAUGHING .]
OH! HE DID IT! [ LAUGHING .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
[ LAUGHING .]
REGULAR COFFEE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH REGULAR COFFEE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
OH, WOW! THIS GUY.
OH, WOW! GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
OH, WOW! GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GREAT.
I'LL TAKE THOSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS TOUGH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS TOUGH.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, THAT WAS TOUGH.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, BUDDY.
I GOT TO GIVE IT UP TO YOU, BUDDY.
OH, MY GOD.
BUDDY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ DING! .]
JOEY.
YEP.
YOU READY? YEP.
YOU READY? YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
YOU READY? YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, GUYS.
READY TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JOE! [ LAUGHTER .]
JOE! I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
JOE! I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? THANK YOU, GUYS.
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD? THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANKS FOR COMING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANKS FOR COMING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, PUT THE CAKE DOWN.
GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER GET OUT THERE, YOU IDIOT.
ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER OR? ARE YOU GUYS ALL TOGETHER OR? OH, NO.
OR? OH, NO.
OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? OH, NO.
OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS OH, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE'S ALONE.
JOE, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE'S ALONE.
OH, NO! SHE'S ALONE.
OH, NO! OH.
OH, NO! OH.
YOU'RE ALONE? OH.
YOU'RE ALONE? YEAH.
YOU'RE ALONE? YEAH.
"GOT STOOD UP OR?" YEAH.
"GOT STOOD UP OR?" DID YOU GET STOOD UP? "GOT STOOD UP OR?" DID YOU GET STOOD UP? NO.
DID YOU GET STOOD UP? NO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
GOOD FOR YOU.
OH, TRAVELING BY YOURSELF.
GOOD FOR YOU.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT GOOD FOR YOU.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A "DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE EXTRA CHAIR AWAY SO IT'S NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE ALONE?" CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE ALONE?" [ LAUGHTER .]
ALONE?" [ LAUGHTER .]
UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF [ LAUGHTER .]
UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A UM, I CAN MOVE THAT CHAIR IF YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOU'D LIKE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S OKAY THERE? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S OKAY THERE? AND THEN YOU HAVE THE PICKLES.
AND THEN YOU HAVE THE PICKLES.
ARE YOU GONNA EAT ALL THOSE PICKLES? ARE YOU GONNA EAT ALL THOSE PICKLES? BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY PICKLES? BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU'RE BY YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE COME ON.
HAMMER IT HOME, JOE.
AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE CHECKS? AND DO YOU WANT SEPARATE CHECKS? OH, I'M SORRY.
CHECKS? OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL JUST BE YOU.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, SO IT'LL JUST BE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JUST BE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? TELL THESE PEOPLE THE HOW YOU DOING? TELL THESE PEOPLE THE SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, TELL THESE PEOPLE THE SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" SPECIALS, AND AFTER EVERY ITEM, SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
SAY THE WORD "TIT.
" YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU ARE SO STUPID, REALLY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR [ LAUGHTER .]
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR PASTRAMI TIT.
WE'RE KNOWN MOSTLY FOR OUR PASTRAMI TIT.
UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- PASTRAMI TIT.
UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- A PASTRAMI WHAT? UM, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR -- A PASTRAMI WHAT? I'M SORRY? A PASTRAMI WHAT? I'M SORRY? WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? I'M SORRY? WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? PASTRAMI TIT.
WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? PASTRAMI TIT.
TIT? PASTRAMI TIT.
TIT? YEAH.
TIT? YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU THAT'S THE LINGO HERE.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
YOU GOT THE ROAST-BEEF TIT, YOU GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
OKAY.
GOT THE PASTRAMI TIT.
OKAY.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A OKAY.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A CORNED-BEEF TIT.
YOU COULD GET YOURSELF A CORNED-BEEF TIT.
DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW CORNED-BEEF TIT.
DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? DID YOU GUYS WANT SOME COLESLAW TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? [ LAUGHTER .]
TIT AND PICKLE TIT TO START? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE TABLE.
THAT COMES COMPLIMENTARY TO THE TABLE.
SURE.
TABLE.
SURE.
YEAH.
SURE.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
SO, SAL, THE CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF SO, SAL, THE CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF WATER.
SHIRT -- THEY NEED A REFILL OF WATER.
OKAY.
WATER.
OKAY.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL OKAY.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL UP WITH WATER.
EVERY CUP ON THE TABLE FILL UP WITH WATER.
OH, THIS IS TEA.
UP WITH WATER.
OH, THIS IS TEA.
"PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, OH, THIS IS TEA.
"PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, SIR.
" "PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME, SIR.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
SIR.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
PLEASE -- PLEASE STOP YELLING PLEASE -- PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
HUH? AT ME.
HUH? PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
HUH? PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN [ LAUGHTER .]
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
OKAY, BUDDY, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
YOURSELF.
I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
UM I'M JUST REALLY SENSITIVE.
UM I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE UM I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT I -- I DEAL WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE OUT HERE ALL DAY LONG AND A LOT OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE FOR ME.
OF THEM DON'T REALLY CARE FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER [ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE I'M TRYING TO FILL UP SOME WATER JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
JUST SO YOU GUYS HAVE A MORE PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR I'M LIKE A SECOND-RATE CITIZEN? I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HYDRATION.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HYDRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HYDRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A YOU GUYS ARE [BLEEP.]
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A NOTE.
SAL, RIGHT THERE -- WRITE A NOTE.
"I LIKE YOU.
" NOTE.
"I LIKE YOU.
" OH "I LIKE YOU.
" OH [ LAUGHTER .]
OH [ LAUGHTER .]
"DO YOU LIKE ME?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"DO YOU LIKE ME?" OH "DO YOU LIKE ME?" OH [ LAUGHTER .]
OH [ LAUGHTER .]
AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES [ LAUGHTER .]
AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND AND MAKE THREE CHECK BOXES UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND MAYBE.
UNDERNEATH -- YES, NO, AND MAYBE.
[ LAUGHS .]
MAYBE.
[ LAUGHS .]
SO, BRING THAT LADY'S [ LAUGHS .]
SO, BRING THAT LADY'S SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP SO, BRING THAT LADY'S SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP OFF THE NOTE.
SANDWICH OVER AND JUST ALSO DROP OFF THE NOTE.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
OFF THE NOTE.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
OKAY, LADIES, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
"AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" IT'S THE ROAST BEEF WITH TOMATO.
"AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS "AND THEN THIS IS FOR YOU.
" OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO OKAY.
AND THEN THIS IS I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO YOU.
I'M GONNA GIVE IT OVER HERE TO YOU.
OH, GOD.
YOU.
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE OH, GOD.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE NOTE.
SAL, GO BACK AND GET THE NOTE.
ALL RIGHT.
NOTE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
STILL GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
STILL GOT IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
STILL GOT IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? [ LAUGHTER .]
AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? AND WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR NOSE.
JUST PUT YOUR PEN IN YOUR NOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD [ LAUGHTER .]
FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT FAR ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT HOLDING IT.
LEAVE IT THERE WITHOUT HOLDING IT.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
HOLDING IT.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? [ LAUGHTER .]
AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? NOTHING? AND ANYTHING FOR YOU? NOTHING? NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR NOTHING? NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR MOUTH, BUDDY.
NOW JUST PUT THE PEN IN YOUR MOUTH, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOUTH, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
IS THAT A NO? [BLEEP.]
IS THAT A NO? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? IS THAT A NO? JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? YES.
JUST ONE HERBAL TEA? YES.
OKAY.
YES.
OKAY.
DO IT NOW.
OKAY.
DO IT NOW.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY DO IT NOW.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY MOUTH.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE PEN IN MY MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ BUZZER .]
RIGHT UP ON THE EAR.
[ BUZZER .]
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
[ BUZZER .]
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
HERE WE GO, Q.
BUDDY, YOU'RE UP.
HERE WE GO, Q.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS HERE WE GO, Q.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE.
YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA ONE.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE A PASS TODAY.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE A PASS TODAY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
TAKE A PASS TODAY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR YOU CAN'T TAKE A PASS.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR ME.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND TO GO FOR ME.
OH, A SUB? ME.
OH, A SUB? YEAH.
OH, A SUB? YEAH.
REALLY? YEAH.
REALLY? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
REALLY? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? YEAH.
MY FRIEND.
YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? OH! YOU GUYS HEAR OF 'N SYNC? OH! ALL RIGHT.
OH! ALL RIGHT.
HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE ALL RIGHT.
HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? HOW DID YOU GET JOEY FATONE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? WE GO WAY BACK! TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! NO, YOU DON'T! WE GO WAY BACK! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
WE GO WAY BACK! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW HIM.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE LOSS.
IF HE FAILS, YOU TAKE THE LOSS.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE LOSS.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
I'M WILLING TO LIVE OR DIE BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
BY THE HANDS OF JOEY FATONE.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I WILL TRY MY HARDEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL? I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT I'M NERVOUS, LIKE THAT SOMEONE'S JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT OF ME.
JUST GONNA PUNCH THE [BLEEP.]
OUT OF ME.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
OF ME.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN THE WORLD.
I GOT ALL THE FAITH OF YOU IN THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO, TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
DON'T [BLEEP.]
THIS UP FOR ME, I SWEAR TO GOD.
DON'T [BLEEP.]
THIS UP FOR ME, FATONE, ALL RIGHT? THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
FATONE'S IN FOR Q.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK FATONE'S IN FOR Q.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK NOW, FATONE, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT MY BACK NOW, FATONE, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO TAKE A ALL RIGHT, JOEY, SO TAKE A WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? THERE'S THAT ASIAN WOMAN.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S EATING.
SEE HER? MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
SHE'S DONE.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN TAKE HER PLATE.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M GONNA THROW UP RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I SWEAR TO GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? YOURSELVES? YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE YOU GUYS ARE OKAY? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE SLICES OF BREAD? COULD WE GET A COUPLE MORE SLICES OF BREAD? COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? SLICES OF BREAD? COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
COUPLE MORE? SOME MORE BREAD? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? THANK YOU.
YOU GOOD WITH THIS? THANK YOU.
SHE'S NOT DONE.
THANK YOU.
SHE'S NOT DONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JOEY.
YEP.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING YEP.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
THERE'S A GENTLEMAN SITTING DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, DOWN WITH A GRAY SHIRT.
SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, OKAY? SEE HOW THEIR MEAL'S GOING, OKAY? YOU GUYS OKAY? OKAY? YOU GUYS OKAY? EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? YOU GUYS OKAY? EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT? REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
REACH OVER AND PUT YOUR RIGHT HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
[ CHUCKLES .]
HAND IN HIS CORNED BEEF.
[ CHUCKLES .]
EXCUSE ME.
HOW GOOD IS THAT, THOUGH? DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
IT'S LIKE -- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
IT'S LIKE -- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
REALLY GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE OH, MY GOD! AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP THE WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? YOU SON OF A BITCH! WAITRESS, ALL RIGHT? YOU SON OF A BITCH! HE'S UNBEATABLE! YOU SON OF A BITCH! HE'S UNBEATABLE! THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
HE'S UNBEATABLE! THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THIS IS AN INSTANT UPGRADE HERE.
Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME Q WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
THAT IS WHY HE IS IN FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
RIGHT NOW.
JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
READY? JOE, OKAY, LAST THING.
READY? [ LAUGHING .]
READY? [ LAUGHING .]
I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, [ LAUGHING .]
I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, "HELLO, EVERYONE! I JUST WANT YOU TO YELL, "HELLO, EVERYONE! I'M JOEY FATONE.
"HELLO, EVERYONE! I'M JOEY FATONE.
YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST I'M JOEY FATONE.
YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" [ LAUGHTER .]
[BLEEP.]
MY PANTS!" [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? HEY, EVERYBODY, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
MY NAME IS JOEY FATONE AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND I JUST [BLEEP.]
MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YES! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES! UNBELIEVABLE.
YES! UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT! JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
JOEY, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE YOU, MY FRIEND.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE THUMBS UP.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GETTING THE THUMBS UP.
YEAH! THUMBS UP.
YEAH! [ DING! .]
YEAH! [ DING! .]
Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT [ DING! .]
Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE Narrator: LOOKS LIKE SAL GOT SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
SERVED, SO HE'S FIRST UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S TODAY, WE'RE WORKING AT A DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S THE BEST DEBATER.
DELI TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S THE BEST DEBATER.
WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, THE BEST DEBATER.
WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET WE'RE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD, TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST TOURNAMENT STYLE, TRYING TO GET CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
CUSTOMERS TO SETTLE THE MOST RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE RIDICULOUS OF DEBATES.
BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE WILL BE GIVEN TO US BY THE OTHER BUT THE TOPIC OF THE DEBATE WILL BE GIVEN TO US BY THE OTHER GUYS.
THE GOAL IS TO GET THE CUSTOMER TO AGREE WITH YOUR STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE CUSTOMER TO AGREE WITH YOUR STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE IT IS.
STANCE, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE IT IS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER IT IS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE CUSTOMER TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU LOSE.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, GUYS.
LET'S GET OUT OF THE STREET, GUYS.
YEAH.
GUYS.
YEAH.
DUDE, WHY ARE WE IN THE STREET? YOU HAVE AN ADVANTAGE HERE, YOU KNOW.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YOU KNOW.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YEARS.
I WORKED IN A DELI FOR MANY YEARS.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND YEARS.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND THIS COUNTER.
YOU WORKED AT A DELI, BEHIND THIS COUNTER.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT THIS COUNTER.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
MURR, HIS ADVANTAGE IS THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M TELLING YOU, BUDDY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DAY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE EXCUSE ME, SIR.
COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE FOR US? COULD YOU SETTLE A QUICK DEBATE FOR US? OF COURSE I CAN.
FOR US? OF COURSE I CAN.
AH, HERE WE GO.
OF COURSE I CAN.
AH, HERE WE GO.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? AH, HERE WE GO.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? MY NAME'S DARRIUS.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? MY NAME'S DARRIUS.
WE'VE BEEN HAVING THIS DEBATE WE'VE BEEN HAVING THIS DEBATE FOR AN HOUR NOW.
OKAY, BRING IT ON.
FOR AN HOUR NOW.
OKAY, BRING IT ON.
WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? OKAY, BRING IT ON.
WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST WHO HAD IT MORE EMBARRASSING? I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY [ LAUGHS .]
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I VIRGINITY.
SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" SAL, "I SAY IT WAS THE WAY I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY LOST MY VIRGINITY.
" IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
IT WAS DEFINITELY THE WAY THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THERE YOU GO.
TELL THE STORIES, BOYS.
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, OKAY.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
UH, WELL, I LOST MY VIRGINITY, FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
I'M 37.
FIRST OF ALL, A YEAR AGO.
I'M 37.
YEAH.
I'M 37.
YEAH.
AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
YEAH.
AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS AND IT WAS TO MY WIFE.
IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS NOW YOUR WIFE? IT WAS TO YOUR WIFE, WHO IS NOW YOUR WIFE? WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NOW YOUR WIFE? WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE DEED.
AND YOU HADN'T YET DONE THE DEED.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
DEED.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
NOT YET DONE THE DEED.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
WAIT! THERE'S NO WAY YOU BEAT HIM.
WAIT! [ LAUGHTER .]
WAIT! [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GO.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
ALL RIGHT, GO.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
OKAY.
EMBARRASSING, FOR SURE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
MARRIED FOR THAT MANY YEARS STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR STALLING, STALLING, STALLING.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR TIME.
VAMPING FOR TIME, VAMPING FOR TIME.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR TIME.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR MORE EMBARRASSING.
THE WAY I LOST MINE IS FAR MORE EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN LISTENING TO THAT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT.
THE EDITORIALIZING, I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HEAR IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I LOVE THIS GUY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I LOVE THIS GUY! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS GUY! I LOVE YOU! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
I LOVE YOU! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
YES! HE SAW YOUR [BLEEP.]
YES! ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON YES! ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, AND I WAS IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG IN ONE OF THESE SUPER-DUPER POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG CURRENT.
POOLS THAT HAS THIS VERY STRONG CURRENT.
YES.
CURRENT.
YES.
I GOT PULLED INTO THE YES.
I GOT PULLED INTO THE CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT I GOT PULLED INTO THE CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT RIPPED OFF, AND MY CURRENT, MY BATHING SUIT GOT RIPPED OFF, AND MY DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE RIPPED OFF, AND MY DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE POOL FILTER.
DING-DONG GOT PULLED INTO THE POOL FILTER.
YEAH.
POOL FILTER.
YEAH.
LOOK AT SAL.
YEAH.
LOOK AT SAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT SAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR SAID THAT THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
THAT IS ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I LOVE THIS GUY.
I LOVETHIS GUY.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER I LOVETHIS GUY.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER AT THE BELLAGIO.
I WAS HUMPING A POOL FILTER AT THE BELLAGIO.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
AT THE BELLAGIO.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOSH! THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
OH, MY GOSH! THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
MAN.
THIS IS STRAIGHT-UP [BLEEP.]
MAN.
NO, I'M SORRY.
MAN.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
YEAH, HE'S OUT! THANK YOU, DARRIUS.
YEAH, HE'S OUT! SON OF A YEAH, HE'S OUT! SON OF A YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, SON OF A YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE VAGINA, MY FRIEND.
SAL'S MOVING ON.
JOE VERSUS Q.
HERE WE GO.
PUT YOUR FEET AWAY.
I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
PUT YOUR FEET AWAY.
I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE I'M CRACKING MY TOES, MAN.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND YOU.
I KNOW, BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND YOU.
THERE THEY GO, THERE THEY GO.
THERE THEY GO, THERE THEY GO.
AND YOU KEEP TOUCHING YOUR BALLS.
AND YOU KEEP TOUCHING YOUR BALLS.
THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE BALLS.
THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE WE FRIENDS? THERE'S THE DEBATE -- WHY ARE WE FRIENDS? RUBBING MY FEET.
WE FRIENDS? RUBBING MY FEET.
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
RUBBING MY FEET.
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
KEEP SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH.
MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
THIS IS THE DEBATE MY -- [ LAUGHING .]
THIS IS THE DEBATE DOWNSTAIRS.
THIS IS THE DEBATE DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S FLIPPED.
DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S FLIPPED.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
IT'S FLIPPED.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
SEE THAT? LOOK AT US.
WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER WE'RE BUDDY-BUDDY.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER HERE.
WE'RE HAVING A BLAST OVER HERE.
EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- HERE.
EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD -- THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE FIGHTING IN MY EAR.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE IS MY OWN DECISION.
WHAT I DO IN MY CUBIC SPACE IS MY OWN DECISION.
YOU'RE WRONG.
IS MY OWN DECISION.
YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO [BLEEP.]
EATS SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
I AM THAT GUY.
SPAGHETTI ON THE TRAIN.
I AM THAT GUY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT I AM THAT GUY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT SOMEBODY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE GOT SOMEBODY.
COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A SOMEBODY.
COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE REAL QUICK? COULD YOU HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE REAL QUICK? WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DEBATE REAL QUICK? WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DAY.
WE'RE HAVING THIS DEBATE ALL DAY.
ALL DAY.
DAY.
ALL DAY.
WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? ALL DAY.
WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO WHAT'S THE BETTER WAY TO DIE? "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" "I'D RATHER GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
" I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
I SAY GET KICKED TO DEATH BY A GIRAFFE.
Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A GIRAFFE.
Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" Q, "I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED BY A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BUNCH OF CELERY.
" I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BIG PIECE OF CELERY AND DIE I'D RATHER GET TRAPPED UNDER A BIG PIECE OF CELERY AND DIE THAT WAY.
ALL DAY.
ALL DAY.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG ALL DAY.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG LEGS.
GIRAFFE, THEY GOT THE LONG LEGS.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND LEGS.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND JUST CONK YOU.
THAT HOOF IS GONNA COME IN AND JUST CONK YOU.
[ LAUGHING .]
JUST CONK YOU.
[ LAUGHING .]
A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY [ LAUGHING .]
A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY JUSTPCK! A GIANT PIECE OF CELERY JUSTPCK! YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S JUSTPCK! YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, YOU KNOW, THE GIRAFFE'S WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
WALKING ALONG, DOING ITS THING, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, AND IT GIVES YOU ONE GOOD PUNCH.
IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL IF THIS CELERY FALLS ON YOU, YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL FOR A WHILE.
YOU CAN LIVE IN IT FOR A TUNNEL FOR A WHILE.
LET'S NOT RUSH THE DEATH, LET'S NOT RUSH THE DEATH, PEOPLE.
HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO PEOPLE.
HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO GET OUT? HOW MUCH CELERY CAN I EAT TO GET OUT? CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO GET OUT? CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE CELERY DOES HAVE FIBER, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER YOU'RE GONNA BE YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER OR WATER IN IT? YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HAVE FIBER OR WATER IN IT? A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO OR WATER IN IT? A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO THE FACE.
A [BLEEP.]
GIRAFFE HOOF RIGHT TO THE FACE.
[ LAUGHING .]
YOU WANT TO GO, YOU WANT TO GO.
YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE GO.
YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS PIECE OF CELERY? IN A GIANT'S GARDEN, UNDER HIS PIECE OF CELERY? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? PIECE OF CELERY? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO? YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU WANT THE GIRAFFE TO COME IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU! IN HOT AND JUST KEEP POUNDING YOU! COMES UP YOU! COMES UP THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
COMES UP THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH A GIRAFFE? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH A GIRAFFE? IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
WITH A GIRAFFE? IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! IT'S THE GIRAFFE.
YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! YES! DEATH BY GIRAFFE! SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHTER .]
SORRY, BUDDY, IT'S A KNOCKOUT! [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, JOE'S MOVING ON.
HERE WE GO -- FINAL ROUND.
JOE VERSUS SAL.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
JOE VERSUS SAL.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A WINNER TAKES ALL.
YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YOU WANT TO HELP US SETTLE A DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YEAH.
DEBATE, MY FRIEND? YEAH.
HERE THEY GO.
YEAH.
HERE THEY GO.
OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND HERE THEY GO.
OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? OKAY.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
JURY, OKAY? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
SO YOU'RE OUR JUDGE AND JURY, OKAY? FINAL ROUND.
OKAY? FINAL ROUND.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
FINAL ROUND.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? HERE'S THE DEBATE.
WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
SAL, YOU SAY BATMAN IS MORE POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
POWERFUL.
I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? I THINK, HANDS DOWN, BATMAN.
VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE VERSUS? JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
JOE, YOU THINK JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL.
JESUS.
POWERFUL.
JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL BATMAN IS THE CAPED CRUSADER.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL ARTS.
HE IS TRAINED IN THE MARTIAL ARTS.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE ARTS.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE CITY.
I MEAN, HE PROTECTS AN ENTIRE CITY.
AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? CITY.
AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS I AGREE WITH THAT, BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
WOULD ALSO SAY THAT JESUS WAS ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
[ LAUGHING .]
ABLE TO MOVE THE MASSES.
[ LAUGHING .]
WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR [ LAUGHING .]
WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR WAS IT GOD? WAS JESUS THE POWERFUL ONE OR WAS IT GOD? OH, ALL RIGHT.
WAS IT GOD? OH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT OH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" THEN YOU COULD SAY, "WAS IT BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME BATMAN'S SUIT VERSUS BATMAN?" OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME OUT! OH.
NOW MY MAN IS HELPING ME OUT! THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T OUT! THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THAT'S TRUE, BUT PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" GO, "OH, MY JESUS.
" THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, THEY SAY, "OH, MY GOD.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, "OH, MY BATMAN.
" YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T SAY, "OH, MY BATMAN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"OH, MY BATMAN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
[ LAUGHTER .]
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS HAS ONE BOOK.
BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK BATMAN HAS THOUSANDS OF COMICS.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
JESUS ONLY NEEDS ONE BOOK 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
OH! 'CAUSE HE'S THAT POWERFUL.
OH! YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH OH! YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU WALK OUT, A STREET TOUGH APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING APPROACHES YOU OUT THERE, OKAY? YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS YOU'RE LOOKING BOTH WAYS HOPING JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? JESUS RUNS DOWN THE BLOCK IN HIS SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? [ BOTH LAUGH .]
SANDALS AND HIS TOGA? [ BOTH LAUGH .]
OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED [ BOTH LAUGH .]
OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN OR ARE YOU HOPING THAT THE CAPED CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME CRUSADER IN A BATSUIT COMES DOWN WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME DAMAGE? WITH A BATARANG AND DOES SOME DAMAGE? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE DAMAGE? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YOU'RE SAYING TO FIGHT FORCE WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YES.
WITH FORCE, RIGHT? YES.
JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
YES.
JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
AND THAT'S REAL POWER! JESUS WOULD JUST BE PEACEFUL.
AND THAT'S REAL POWER! OH! AND THAT'S REAL POWER! OH! BUT WHO'S MORE POWERFUL? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ SPEAKING ITALIAN .]
LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I [ SPEAKING ITALIAN .]
LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST -- I NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? [ LAUGHTER .]
NEVER HAD A CHANCE, DID I? [ LAUGHTER .]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
SAL LOSES YET AGAIN.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
KAPOW! WHAT A BUNCH OF HOLY [BLEEP.]
KAPOW! [ DING! .]
KAPOW! [ DING! .]
Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q [ DING! .]
Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR Narrator: SAL, MURR, AND Q LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR SAL.
LOST, MAKING IT A DARK NIGHT FOR SAL.
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" SAL.
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ APPLAUSE .]
PLAYS .]
[ APPLAUSE .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ APPLAUSE .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
OH, YEAH! AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING.
OH, YEAH! OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? OH, YEAH! OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, OKAY.
WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SAL.
AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SAL.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SAL.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SPEECH.
YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SPEECH.
NO! SPEECH.
NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS [ LAUGHTER .]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
NO, I CAN'T.
FROM THE HEART.
NO, I CAN'T.
THAT'S FINE.
NO, I CAN'T.
THAT'S FINE.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE THAT'S FINE.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
GO AHEAD.
WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU.
GO AHEAD.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE GO AHEAD.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE SPEECH.
GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE SPEECH.
WE GOT YOU ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
SPEECH.
WE GOT YOU ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
OH [BLEEP.]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
LOOK AT HIM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
OH, MY GOD.
ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THIS.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN LOOK AT THIS.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WEDDING, BUDDY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT [ LAUGHTER .]
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
YES.
ON IT.
YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS WEDDING.
WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS WEDDING.
HERE IT COMES.
WEDDING.
HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
CHEERS! IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
YEAH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
YEAH! HERE WE GO.
YES.
YEAH! HERE WE GO.
YES.
OH [BLEEP.]
HERE WE GO.
YES.
OH [BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH [BLEEP.]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
OH, MY GOD.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
OH, MY GOD.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
OH, MY GOD.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
OH, YOU HATE US? I HATE YOU GUYS.
OH, YOU HATE US? I'M SORRY.
YOU HATE US? CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
HERE IT COMES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH HERE IT COMES.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IS ALL YOURS, PAL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE OH, MY GOD.
WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT.
YES.
ON IT.
YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE YES.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY.
DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
"CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT.
"CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE "CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.
" BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
EVER KNOWN.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR [ LAUGHTER .]
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
"THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS.
THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER .]
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" YEAH.
"KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" YEAH.
"SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY YEAH.
"SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT "SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT ROUGH-ROUGH.
" STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT ROUGH-ROUGH.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
ROUGH-ROUGH.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED [ LAUGHTER .]
"WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I "WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I COULD" TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I COULD" [ LAUGHTER .]
COULD" [ LAUGHTER .]
"I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME [ LAUGHTER .]
"I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME "I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A BIKINI.
" PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A BIKINI.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
BIKINI.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING [ LAUGHTER .]
"I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS "I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I [ LAUGHTER .]
"SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT "SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT MARRIAGE.
CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT MARRIAGE.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND MARRIAGE.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER.
AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" THAT'S RIGHT.
LIKE THE BARTENDER.
" THAT'S RIGHT.
"AND THE DEVIL --" THAT'S RIGHT.
"AND THE DEVIL --" MM.
"AND THE DEVIL --" MM.
SAY IT! MM.
SAY IT! "THE DEVIL IS YOUR SAY IT! "THE DEVIL IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" "THE DEVIL IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" OH! MOTHER-IN-LAW.
" OH! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH! [ LAUGHTER .]
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON [ LAUGHTER .]
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON YOU.
"LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON YOU.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL YOU.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL GET SICK.
FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL GET SICK.
SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YOU'LL GET SICK.
SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
" YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! YAY! YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! YAY! BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! YAY! BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
[ CHUCKLES .]
OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT.
[ CHUCKLES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN.
THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO BREAK A GLASS.
IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO BREAK A GLASS.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A BREAK A GLASS.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A LOT OF GLASSES.
I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A LOT OF GLASSES.
BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO LOT OF GLASSES.
BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK THE HYMAN BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK THE HYMAN [ LAUGHTER .]
BREAK THE HYMAN [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, GOD! NEXT PAGE! OH, GOD! NEXT PAGE! [ LAUGHS .]
NEXT PAGE! [ LAUGHS .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHS .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
TRADITION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS MOST FITTING TODAY.
GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS MOST FITTING TODAY.
HE SAID, "SAL" MOST FITTING TODAY.
HE SAID, "SAL" HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
HE SAID, "SAL" HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
"I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
"I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN WORLD WAR II.
" "I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN WORLD WAR II.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
WORLD WAR II.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, NO! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, NO! "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING OH, NO! "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE WAR.
SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE WAR.
DON'T LET THE JAPANESE GET IN WAR.
DON'T LET THE JAPANESE GET IN YOUR WAY.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
WOW.
WOW.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL [ LAUGHTER .]
CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSI--" CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSI--" OH.
INSI--" OH.
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
OH.
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
I CAN'T SAY THIS.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY .]
I CAN'T SAY THIS.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT I CAN'T SAY THIS.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT SPEECH, BUDDY.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT SPEECH, BUDDY.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND SPEECH, BUDDY.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.
I SHOULD KNOW.
" "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.
I SHOULD KNOW.
" [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
CHEERS.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
CHEERS.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
SAL, EVERYBODY.
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WENT OVER WELL.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
[ LAUGHING .]
THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A GLASS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GLASS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS