Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

Mm-mm, no, I understand.
No, I'm resending the whole packet in a ZIP file.
Hello? Oh-- okay.
I am so overwhelmed by my job.
Sounds like someone needs the 80's ladies.
They're 80's ladies walking with purpose They're sexy and professional 80's ladies They work in an office and date Michael Douglas Can women really have it all? 80's ladies Feathered hair and leaving Your baby with three strange men 80's ladies! No wonder you aren't getting any work done.
You don't have a proper phone.
Here, try this.
You can use it while you're sitting here at the desk, or walk over to the window.
Better, right? Want a smoke? You'll feel better.
Oh, no th Yeah, why not? Here's the number for my analyst.
He's very good.
And a total stud, too.
Thanks, 80's ladies! Oh, there's no area code.
Screw it.
My diaphragm itches.
They're 80's ladies walking with purpose They only ever wear lingerie Even when they're home alone Sigourney Weaver! The universe: for centuries, humankind has strived to understand this vast expanse of energy, gas, and dust.
In recent years, a stunning breakthrough has been made in our concept of what the universe is for.
So, I was texting while I was driving, and I ended up taking a wrong turn that took me directly past a vitamin shop.
And I was just, like, this is totally the universe telling me I should be taking calcium.
- Oh, my God.
- Right? Universe.
Scientists once believed the universe was a chaotic collection of matter.
We now know the universe is essentially a force sending cosmic guidance to white women in their 20s.
So, you know how I've been (bleep) my married boss - for, like, six months? - Uh-huh.
Well, I was starting to get really worried he was never gonna leave his wife.
But then, yesterday in yoga, the girl in front of me was wearing a shirt that just said, "Chill".
And I was just, like, this is so the universe telling me, "Girl, just, like, keep (bleep) your married boss.
" Right? Try to imagine the universe as a giant dream board on which women pin their wishes.
- I have been looking everywhere - Mmm.
- For an apricot puggle - Mmm.
And they're, like, almost impossible to find.
I just decided I'm gonna just put it out into the universe, and if it was meant to be, it will manifest itself, you know? The universe is totally gonna bring you an apricot puggle.
Like, last year when I left my job to start a mitten company, I put my dream out into the universe by making a mitten Pinterest page.
I am dying to buy mittens from you.
Yeah, so I haven't starting making 'em yet, but I would love to stay with you until things pick up.
The universe I'm-- I'm not think-- Doesn't How hard could it be to make just one mitten? They don't even have fingers.
Did you know that in our galaxy alone there are over 500 million planets capable of supporting life? And that sometimes the universe creates a coincidence just so a publicist at Aeropostale will have a realization? So, I was, like, totally trying to watch this episode of "New Girl", but it was preempted by this news coverage of this terrible cyclone.
Like, everybody died, it was so annoying.
Then I just thought, like, this is the universe's way of telling me "You watch 'New Girl' on Hulu anyway.
" Don't pay for cable, save your money for in-app purchases.
That just makes no (bleep) sense.
I mean, that's just bullshit.
(bleep).
Oh, my.
My, my, my.
Okay, I know I've said a lot of horrible things, but I am a very good person.
I, uh, I just adopted a rescue pug.
Which-- that's sweet, right? Thank you.
Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry.
I bought a pair of Uggs.
I'm sorry, what did I say? I knew I was at a store and I was like, "You're coming home with me", but it was It was shoes.
Yeah, that's how you do it, folks.
That's how you do it here at Johnny Utah's, all right! You two are wearing color contacts, right? - No.
- No.
No, why? Then God is a dick! - Why would God-- why? - Why? Because when he made your guys' eyes so beautiful, he was basically saying "F you" to every other girl in the world.
Yeah.
So, you guys gonna ride the bull? - No.
- Definitely.
Awesome! Lame.
Hey, Kev, what's up, bro? Why would anyone ride the bull? So people can see what you look like when you (bleep).
That's the point.
My cousin got married from that.
Hold this.
- Whoo, she's going for it.
- Yeah, she's gonna Uh-oh, looks like we got ourselves another cowgirl, boys.
Let her hear it.
Oh, nice mount! Mmm! Ooh, ay Chihuahua! I wouldn't mind coming back as that saddle.
Eh, boys? About ready to order myself a t-bone.
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Let her hear it, boys! Let her hear it! Not bad, little lady, not bad.
Can I be honest? I legitimately got a boner watching you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm gonna ride that bull's dick off.
- All right! - Go girl, yeah! That's the spirit! Hey, two cowgirls in a row! Looks like we got ourselves a taco party filled with clam meat! And she's off! Here she goes, yeah.
Not quite as gracefully on this one, boys.
That was-- That was embarrassing.
Oh! Okay, okay.
Oh, God.
Round and round she goes! Sir That, uh whoa.
Sir sir.
Oh! "None for me", says the bull.
Was that hot? That's a hard pass.
- Amy? - Am I hot? I can't-- can't gauge the crowd.
I can't get a feel for the room.
You have 20 seconds left on your turn.
Make it count.
- But it's hot, right? - Yeah, so hot.
- Everybody wants to (bleep) me? - Yeah, everybody.
- You're beautiful.
- It's hot? Do it! Come on, girl, get it! I got this.
I got this.
Having a little trouble.
There we-- oh! There we go, yup! All right, here we go, boys, she's taking her for another run! I got this.
Ohh.
Is this the same as when my friend did it? Always the same! Ahh! I got this.
Whoo! Ah! Whoo! I got it now, girl.
I know, I know it's been a month, but I'm just not over him yet.
I'm so bummed.
Hold on, Kate.
I'm hearing a weird noise.
Hey, Laura, sorry to hear about Mark.
What a schmuck.
We've got just the thing.
- Here.
- What's this for? It's your microphone, silly.
And we're gonna need to get you some bangs! Something 'bout you just feels too good to be true It seems that you are perfect for me But there's some other guy That's got my heart on hold There's something 'bout you I don't know why, but I feel so much better.
Thanks, 80's ladies! Mmm! Mmm! They're 80's ladies walking with purpose They shave their legs not their bush - And they run for Congress - Oh, God.
80's ladies! I believe it was my mentor, the great Bill Cosby, who said "Drink this.
" Now it really lets you know where you stand with people.
If someone's like, well, I don't know.
It's like, oh, okay, just-- I'm going to take you out of my phone, that's insane.
But the statute of limitations is pretty much-- It's go-- it's over.
Like, there's not-- but I'm like, if he gets to 50 women, can he just, like, do community service? Just-- just once have to put on a vest and pick up litter.
In conclusion the evidence clearly points to guilt.
The prosecution rests.
Whoo! That was already fun, wasn't it? Right? Did everybody feel happy just now? You remember? I know I did.
We've heard an awful lot from the prosecution over the last few weeks, about stuff that may or may not have happened.
All these women.
Same story.
Same facts.
Repetitive.
And how'd that feel to listen to? Bleh, right? But how do you feel when I play this? Theo, did you get your ear pierced? - Uh, nope.
- So, I guess you're just doing an amazing impression of Swiss cheese? Did anyone feel raped by that? How 'bout drugged? No? Me neither.
I felt comforted by a familiar father figure.
Nostalgia.
Happiness.
Laughter.
Not guilty! Let's break this down logically.
I am a good person.
I like this good show.
Like, last time I checked, good plus good did not equal guilty.
Objection, what did she even check? I just checked! Defense is talking about a TV show she likes.
I'm talking about a beloved show that we love.
Overruled.
I mean, I'm basically talking about Dr.
Huxtable, right? We are not! I said "basically".
Overruled.
Seems like we're gonna be here a while with all these objections.
Would anybody like a pudding pop? Oh, wow.
Would you look at that? It's unanimous.
How could the face of such a yummy treat even do anything bad? I mean, how would that even work? Objection! Overruled.
Delicious treat, right? Cold though.
Look under your seats.
What a fun snack.
What a fun sweater.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this point, Bill Cosby probably can't get in any legal trouble.
That's not what this is about.
This is about us not punishing ourselves for loving great comedy.
This is a court of public opinion, right? Let's remind ourselves what's at stake here.
If convicted, the next time you put on a rerun of "The Cosby Show", you may wince a little.
You might feel a little pang.
And none of us deserve that.
We don't deserve to feel that pang.
We deserve to dance like no one's watching.
And watch like no one's raping.
The defense rests.
All right, I think, um, before we adjourn-- Uh, excuse me, I got a delivery for the jury.
- Oh! - It's from a B.
Cosby.
You can put it right here.
Nobody minds.
Oh, my God.
It's chocolate cake.
Huh, do we all feel like going a little nuts right now? I know I do.
Cos is great give us chocolate cake, oh! Cos is great We want chocolate cake Cos is great give us some chocolate cake Cos is great Miss Schumer, Cosby wanted to thank you for defending him.
How long are you gonna be back here? I don't know, a month or two? Oh, my God, if you told me at 33 I'd be divorced six times after seven abortions, living back with my mom? Seven seems like a lot.
Yeah, they really sneak up on you.
They're like Pringles.
Why can't I meet the right guy? Because they're not out there.
I just want a nice guy, no more sex addicts or narcissists.
It's never a good idea to date somebody who's just like you.
I just want a smart funny guy who loves me for me.
A sweet guy who's gentle.
Really strong too, right? Oh, yeah, with Herculean strength.
But not jacked.
Just cut.
Yeah, cut like poor people.
But, I mean, he has money.
- Mmm.
- He has money.
But he's like self-made, it's from his own thing.
Do-- get up for one second.
I wanna make a list on this strange on all these years.
Just, keep describing.
Okay, uh, like, an artist type? But not actually an artist.
Like Bono's chiropractor.
In that world, but not of that world.
Respects my independence, but doesn't let me pay for anything.
Right, evolved.
But if someone looks at me even slightly wrong, he just, like, flies into a violent rage.
Huge hands like the BFG.
Huge (bleep), no balls.
Yeah, but a good listener.
Yes, oh, my God! Huge dick.
I got it.
Well, maybe put it all in caps.
Why can't I have guy who'll just listen to my dreams and (bleep) me like an ex con? - Rough hands.
- Mmm.
- Strong tongue.
- Pssh.
- Weak eyelids.
- Mmm.
- No family.
- Mmm.
What's so wrong with wanting someone who's got a Pope Francis-like soul and Hugh Jackman arms and a dong that causes heartburn? Heart of gold, horse of (bleep).
What's the big deal here? He loves his mom.
- But she's dead.
- And he's so over it.
Huge dick.
I wrote "big dick", do you wanna come see it? It's just one relationship after another.
I am so sick of this! What's going on here? Oh, my God! - Amy! - Oh, my God! - What did you do?! - I don't know! I must have hit a couple wrong keys and "Weird Scienced" it when I hacked into the "Pentagom"! I'm scared! Oh, my God! I can't believe it.
He's perfect! Is that a wedding ring? We can't win! Great dick though.
Describe your perfect guy.
Stands up for pregnant women on the subway? Someone thought I was pregnant on the subway the other day.
And I, like, sat down confused.
And then I was, like, oh, my God, maybe I am! Can you describe your perfect woman? Large "titas".
Makes me food any hour of the day.
And, I don't know, that's it, that's pretty much it.
Is that also how you would describe your mom? Oh! Excuse me, do you have this in a medium? No.
Big mistake! Huge! You can't treat her like that just 'cause she's a hooker! Oh, I'm-- I'm actually not a hooker.
Filthy whores have feelings too.
Really, I think they just don't have a medium.
We'll pay for whatever you want, Tanya.
It's time for you to go on a little shopping spree.
How do you have Richard Gere's credit card? He's our boyfriend! And we stole it! They're 80's ladies walking with purpose They think hookers Should be treated the same as everyone else They walk down the street and run into Seinfeld They're gonna steal his credit card 80's ladies Did you have an 80's crush? What about Molly Ringwald? No, I'm not quite old enough for Molly Ringwald.
Um, I'm 33, and I would (bleep) her out like it was my (bleep) job.
(bleep), marry, kill: Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, go.
Ted Danson.
No, you have to You gotta pick You're gonna (bleep), marry, and then kill Ted Danson? We're gonna do all that in one night.
Be careful, Ted Danson, she's coming for you.
- So, Michelle, you are a psychic.
- Yes, I am.
We're shooting in a bar in Red Hook.
- Yeah.
- Are there dead people here? Yes, this is an old, old place.
Who's here? Are any of them, like, checking me out? Always-- isn't everyone always checking you out? I hope so! Why do people want this woman on Long Island to talk to dead people so much? Death is kind of the great mystery still, right? - Mm-hmm.
- And I think that it's something that touches us all in a personal way.
So, the work that mediums do around death and dying I think is very healing for people.
What if it's someone that you don't wanna hear from? Like, my grandma and I never really hit it off.
- Mmm.
- Um, narcissist.
- Right.
- I'm talking about myself.
- Oh.
- And, uh-- no.
She was, like, the worst.
And so, if she came and wanted to talk to me, I'd be like, "Uh, like, I'm busy".
Do people-- are people ever getting in touch where they're like, "I don't wanna talk to him?" Yes, actually, those are the people that wanna come through the most.
Because anybody who has unfinished business, those are the people that are like, "You know, I'm really sorry about that one time that I" - I get people that-- - "Came on your foot.
" - Yeah, or-- or like abusers, right? - Yeah.
Where did the whole crystal ball thing come from? - Gypsies-- real gypsies.
- Oh.
And crystal ball, um, is used-- It's a technique called scrying.
- And it's been used-- - A guy did that to me in college.
Still can't walk right.
- Wait, "scrying" it's called? - It's called scrying, right.
Like, Nostradamus was a scryer.
Do you know, um, Nastradamus, the rapper? I-- not personally.
I would like too though.
Me too.
Who is this in "Ghost", okay? Mm-hmm.
"Leon, do you like it? It's Autumn Sunrise.
" Yes, that woman.
She-- he was like, "Damn, baby, what'd you do to your hair?" Yes! - Best part of "Ghost".
- Best part.
What am I thinking about right now? Mmm.
I'm sending it to you.
Do people ever do this to you at parties? Yes! Ready? Your drink that you haven't touched? My sandwich I ate for lunch.
Oh, I'm not-- I'm not good with the telepathy with you.
I drank so much last night that there's probably nothing to get.
Can you tell me, like, a thing about myself? You keep making jokes about, like, your love life.
I feel like you have to be patient.
Sometimes we end up getting things that we deserve when we wait and hold out, right? - I mean, you're a bit-- - "Hold out", what is that? Be patient and be open.
I'm too open.
Oh, my God! - Amy! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Amy! - Oh, my God! - Amy, what did you do? - I don't know, I-- Oh, my God! Amy! Cut! So easy.
Mmm, magic.