It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e06 Episode Script

You're definitely gonna get this on.
You ready? Uh, yeah.
I guess.
Okay.
He knew that if the gooks were to get their hands on the watch, they would take it.
So he shoved it up his ass! I have no idea what you're doing.
Why, it's Christopher Walken! It sounded like Rosie Perez or something.
Come on! That was a perfect Walken and it's gonna win me the talent show.
What talent show? The one I throw for the pub crawl.
Are you doing that again? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, it's not really a talent show anyway.
She just gets the most untalented people in Philly to enter the competition so she can win it, and then she never wins it anyway.
No.
Last year she got smoked by this chick who ate, like, 50 hot dogs in three seconds.
That was amazing! That was not talent.
Guys, guys, guys! I got some news! Some terrible news! We got a huge problem.
Can we stop for a second and talk about this? What? What's with that jacket? I was gonna wait on that.
I think we should go over the jacket now.
No, let's hear about it now.
First of all, it's not a jacket.
It's a duster.
It's like a jacket only it's longer, thicker and far more badass.
I look like Lorenzo Lamas, and women find it irresistible.
Well, that part's just simply not true.
Either way, I like it.
I bought it with the money I was gonna make at the pub crawl.
Here's the problem.
You know that Korean barbecue joint down the street? Mr.
Kim's? They just signed up for the pub crawl.
Which means now they're the last stop! They can't be the last stop.
We're always the last stop! That's the only time of year we make any money! They're also experimenting with a secret microbrew.
Word on the street is that it's delicious and powerful! Bullshit! Yep.
We're the microbrew guys! They can't take that! Wait.
You guys have a microbrew? Yes! We make a delicious, amazing microbrew! Really? Oh, it's amazing.
They-They throw all the skunk beer into a trash can.
And then they sell it for $10 a glass.
The point is we cannot let these Koreans steal our thunder! They wanna make a top secret microbrew We gotta make ours more powerful! Right! We'll make it so strong that people will pass out and vomit and vomit in their own pass out.
They'll never leave and go to Kim's in the first place! Yeah.
I will make this year's talent show the best talent show ever.
Let the men talk, Dee! Let the men talk! What are you saying? We're in the middle of an emergency here! Guys, we gotta move on this.
It's the damn North Koreans! Damn North Koreans.
Wait.
Wait a second.
What makes you guys think they're North Koreans? That's the bad Korea.
They're the sneaky, bad Korea, man.
The ones on the top and they sneak down and they eat everybody's pets.
I can't stand it! It's un-American! All right, goddamn it.
That's it.
They're gonna take our way of life from us.
It's bullshit.
Okay, gang.
Let's solve this North Korea situation once and for all.
All right, that's enough.
No, no, no, no.
That's enough moonshine, Frank! No, no, no, no! Look, we don't want people to go blind! You can never have enough moonshine.
Goddamn it.
Trust me on this.
I know what I'm talking about.
How's it taste? We gotta lace it with somethin' sweeter.
We gotta add a little sweetening.
Oh, Deandra.
Could you be a darling and run down and get Daddy some antifreeze? No.
We don't want to kill people.
You're not getting this.
I can't help you guys.
I have a very busy day.
I'm auditioning people all day.
And also, you're not my dad.
Winning a talent show that you throw for yourself is just about the saddest thing you've ever done, Dee.
Listen.
If this is all about boosting your self-confidence why don't you go out and bang a bunch of random dudes like you did in the good old days? This talent show's very important to me.
All right? And I'm not gonna let you guys steamroll me like you always do.
Why don't you get Charlie and Dennis to help you? Well, Dennis and Charlie are out collecting intelligence, okay? Oh! You're playing spies now? Intel is the name of the game, Dee.
It's all about the intelligence! Then you picked the wrong two people.
Maybe so.
But we do have a secret weapon.
That would've been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Come on, dude.
It doesn't fit you.
It's too big for you.
That's why it's so awesome on me.
It's like, "Why's that guy in a giant jacket? Why do you take this away from me? What is he hiding, dude?" I just wish you'd let me do it.
Can we just snoop around a little bit? We can snoop around.
But I just I should be wearing the duster.
That's the bottom line.
No, I'm wearing the duster.
That's the end of it.
Fine.
We should drink a couple of these microbrews.
Let's get some microbrews.
That's what people on the pub crawl are gonna do.
Yeah, I know.
Two microbrews, please.
All right.
What is this? "Pub Crawl Karaoke Contest"? Uhoh.
Bro, "Prize $500"? That's not good.
Aw, shit.
Look at that bracket.
Do you think that's That's what that's for? Oh, that's for the karaoke contest, bro.
Oh, my God, dude.
There's a lot of names on there.
That's huge, man.
That's gonna Bracketing is a very intricate and difficult thing to do, man.
They got it down.
I gotta get this intel back to Mac.
Well, don't Hold on that because we want to try the What? The microbeers? Yes.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mmm! Oh, shit.
Goddamn it.
That's good.
That is really good.
That's That is Mmm! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Son of a bitch, that's good.
They're putting somethin' in that 'cause you can't just make beer like that.
What do you mean? Like they're enriching it? Are they enriching the You cannot They're enriching the beers, Charlie.
They're enriching their beer.
That's definitely enriched beer.
That's an enriched beer, dude.
That's not conven I've only tried enriched beer like once, I think.
They're not allowed to have the capabilities to enrich beer here.
Where are they enriching What is going on in this place? Look at all these people, man.
They're like, uh Oh, there's like brainwash They're being brainwashed.
Notice how they're all happy and smiling 'cause they're drinking enrich How old was that bartender? Was she 16 or 60? You can't tell.
You have no Idea.
They're timeless.
They're endless and timeless.
Oh, God.
Damn it, dude.
We are in big trouble here, man.
Oh, shit! Look at that door, dude.
See that door right there? The one marked "pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there? I see a door marked "private.
" Is that the Is that the door you were talkin' about? No, I was talking a Yeah.
I didn't say No, you s What did you hear? I heard you say you saw a door marked "pirate.
" And "Is there a pirate living in there?" Yes, that's why you thought No.
See, that's Why would there be a pirate living in a Korean restaurant? Are we gonna talk about pirates all day? Or we gonna find out who lives in there? You're the one that All right.
Jesus Christ, man.
Here we go.
What's wrong? Come on, open it.
It's locked.
All right I'm gonna try this out.
What What is that? Your apartment key? Yeah.
I'm gonna see if it's gonna work here.
That's not gonna work! Why not? We're not at your apartment, shithead! How many possible lock combinations can there be? Oh, so many, dude! Like hundreds of millions.
Well, eventually they're gonna overlap.
They're not ever gonna over You know what? You're right.
It's not working.
Oh, no shit.
No shit.
It was worth a try.
It was not worth a try.
Well Move over.
I'm gonna, like, kick the door or some shit.
You're gonna kick it? Really? Damn, dude.
This thing is like What? Enriched in its own way.
All right.
Let me try something else here.
Try a spin kick.
Try a spin kick.
Spin kick? Yeah.
You think you can do it? I'm not even sure Okay.
Sons of All right, I'm gonna kick.
You ram.
Go! Nice.
Good.
How is that not working? No, I don't know.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right.
All right, we're gonna do that some more.
But let's get some more of that enriched beer.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna call Mac and give him the intel.
Yeah.
Holy shit! All right, see what else you can find out, and call me back.
Good work.
Forget the microbrew.
What's the intel? They're having a karaoke contest.
Oh! I'm elevating us to threat level yellow.
It's time.
Yellow? Yeah.
It's time.
What were we before? Orange, of course.
Orange is much more threatening than yellow! No, that's an old system.
It doesn't work anymore.
Clearly yellow You go from yellow to orange to red! Yellow is more threatening than orange! Frank, this is orange! Have you seen this? Yellow, orange, red! This is yellow! See this? Red, red! Is this more threatening? Yellow, orange, red! It's backwards going to yellow.
Wow.
Elevate Color fight.
Listen.
I need you monkeys outta here 'cause my contestants are waiting.
That's a no can do, and I'll tell you why.
The Koreans have escalated the conflict.
So I've upgraded us to yellow.
I don't know what that means.
It means we're taking over the talent show.
What? No, you're not! It's already done.
Go on.
I knew it.
I told you.
You're trying to steamroll me.
It's not gonna work.
Go on.
I'm gonna win this competition.
There's nothing you guys can do about it.
You're not even gonna be in it, Dee.
You have to face facts.
You have no talent.
You're talentless, sweetie.
Oh, really? Oh, is that so? Why don't you take a gander at this? No, Mookie.
I don't wanna do it.
It's too hot outside.
Right? What was that? What the hell is that? Rosie Perez! What? That's terrible.
Oh, come on! You love that one! You know what, Dee? You're a judge.
That's it.
Dee's gonna be a judge.
And you know why? Because sitting in judgment of other people is the greatest way to make yourself feel better.
Problem solved.
And go.
All right, again.
And go.
You might have to give me the duster back.
It's not working, man.
Aw, it'll work.
Go! All right, it's not working, dude.
All right, okay.
I gotta use your head or something.
All right, yes, yes.
Hold me sideways and use my head like a battering ram.
All right.
Now pick me up off the ground, okay? Why are you people ruining my door? Yes! Good! Hello! All right.
Yeah.
Are you the owner? I owner.
I Mr.
Kim.
All right.
Okay, good.
Well, Mr Wait.
You say Mr.
Kim? Yes! I Mr.
Kim! Wow.
You should really do something different with your hair because Yeah.
You're not coming across at all like a man to me.
You don't look or seem like a man.
Look If you don't tell us what's in that microbrew, so help me, God we will send you people back to the Stone Age.
I no respond to bully! What are you gonna do about it? You're messin' with the wrong country, pal! That's an act of aggression right there, buddy! Every Asian know martial arts? They have to learn it when they grow up.
That's right.
It's like school.
Yes! Okay, okay.
Okay! Oh, God.
Jesus! That guy is such a dickhead! You don't have to take that from him.
I hope you know that.
If I don't do what he say, he punish me! He terrible man, okay? Always, "Work, work, work!" He treat me like slave! Slave? Slave? He's got slaves? He's has slaves in there? What kind of a communist dictatorship is this piece of shit running? Hey, I no phone, no TV! I not even allowed to drink the beer! What? No! No! That is not acceptable! You're mad about the beer thing? I'm v I'm ver Are you not mad about the beer thing? Yeah.
Of course I am.
Look, you should be able to drink beer.
That's what happens in America.
Yeah.
In America, you can You can drink beer.
Look.
I'll tell you what.
You come down to Paddy's Pub, all right? We'll let you drink all the beer you want.
You can smoke your cigarettes.
Mm-hmm.
You won't have to deal with the trash 'cause I deal with the trash.
You do trash? He takes out the trash.
Me trash.
He captures the rats.
You beer, me trash, okay? I beer, you trash! I trash, yes! Okay! Holy shit, bro.
Did you just see that? Yeah.
She made a meaningful gesture towards me.
She made No, dude.
She was gesturing to me.
I had my arm out like this.
Yeah, why were you doing that? 'Cause she extended to me.
And then there was stuff in the eyes between us.
And my arm was at her.
All right.
Sure, pal.
Wha But the dog was buried by the bright sunlight And the old man died In his sleep last night And the young girl never did get All right! All right! All right! That's enough.
That's enough.
Thank you.
Well Martha, you are terrible.
I wanted to pluck out my eyes and jam them into my ears.
I wanted to pummel you with a manhole cover.
There is no point to you.
Oh, no Sweetie, I thought you were really talented.
And I liked it, what you had on your fingers.
And your hair is so It's like it has a bulb on the front of it.
It just wasn't happening for me, dog.
I mean What? No, dog.
I was not It was the finger cymbals need work.
Oh! And the jewelry and everything just It was It was just okay, dog.
Is it a yes or no, Frank? It's gotta be no, dog.
Dee? Oh, I just think you're so full of magic.
You're like a big, round wizard.
Right.
Well, it's a no from me.
So off you go, Martha.
Why did you get so drunk? You got drunk! I'm just really exhausted.
What's in that cup? Rum and Cokes.
Why are you getting wasted? Maybe because you dicks stole my talent show.
Do you have any idea how important this is? "You have any idea " We're trying to save the pub crawl.
Really? This is what you're doing? You know what's gonna happen if the North Koreans take over? They're gonna ruin our way of life! Get your shit together, dog! Next! Duster Look out, man Here comes a brother The man is in a duster He's a superfine fantastic man He loves to wear his du Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You scared me.
What are you doing? I run away.
Okay.
Good.
Uh What are you doing here? I follow you home because I like you.
Nice.
Good.
I 'Cause I knew I knew that Right on! Okay.
Wait.
All the way home? Yes.
So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage? Yes.
Any thoughts on that? No.
Oh, man.
I like you.
Come on in.
I like you.
Yeah.
Cartoon Soundtrack) Hello there, Dennis.
It's Charlie.
How you doin'? Hey, you're never gonna guess who showed up at my That's a very good guess.
Congratulations.
But the point is that I have defeated you at this little game of hearts and and minds so that No, don't come over.
No, dude.
I don't want you to come over, dude.
Don't c Dennis, don't come over.
D Well, then why No, I'm not scared.
I just don't want you comin' Goddamn it! No! Why did I call him? Good evening.
I need to speak to Mr.
Kim, please.
I Mr.
Kim.
Hmm.
All right.
Uh, Mr.
Kim, my name is R Rita F-Fire s.
Hmm, Fires.
And I am from the National Health Inspectors Uh, Store.
And I need to I need to make sure that your secret microbrew is up to code.
Health inspector? Hmm.
Oh, you bet your ass, Kim.
Okay, all right! I just God! I just want your stupid recipe! You terrible actress.
Wait! Okay.
Hmm, I'll sleep with you.
Your breath smell like vomit.
Okay, but I know recipe.
You do? Well, what What is it? Offer still stand? All right.
Where is she? Ah, dude, you might as well turn right back around, man.
'Cause she's in love with me, dude.
Uh, yeah, I doubt that.
Hi.
Hi.
We have so much in common, you're not gonna believe.
What? Uh, we both like pizza.
Pizza! Well, I like pizza.
Everybody loves pizza.
Oh, good.
We both hate mean people.
Who likes mean people? We don't like mean people.
Well, neither do I.
Well, we both think kissing's gross.
How is kissing gross? You know, we just don't like it.
We're not into it, you know? Probably, it's Sticky.
Is it sticky? It's, like, there's candy and beer in your mouth.
How is it sticky? From candy and beer? I don't know.
This is bullshit.
Clearly there's some kind of language barrier thing happening here.
So I'm gonna go ahead and pop this shirt off and finish this thing once and for all, Charles.
Charlie? Mm-hmm? He smell like dog fart.
Eww! She says you smell like a dog fart.
Oh, yeah? All right, take It off.
Take It off for us.
Dog fart, huh? Am I in America? Ladies.
Nice turnout, huh? Yeah.
But I'm getting a little nervous here, Frank.
I've heard some rumblings about Mr.
Kim's, okay? We gotta keep these people here.
Don't worry, Mac.
I got a plan.
Mac, I got problems, man.
I can see that.
Why are you wearing the duster with no shirt? I'm trying to get my mojo back.
Charlie and I have been competing over the same Korean chick, and he's like totally winning.
Why are you wearing my duster with no shirt? This is the perfect combination.
Do I really have to explain this to you, bro? Yes! Explain it to me.
Are you kidding me? Black leather duster tough, muscular dude underneath it, inside of it.
Very sexual.
Check this out.
Check this out.
What's with the hose? Hang on.
I'm gonna spray it on the women's tops.
We get a better look at their talents if their shirts are wet.
Wet T-shirt contest.
I like that.
Wait, Frank.
Frank.
How are we gonna have a wet T-shirt contest without girls? We never got any contestants.
We can use the girls that are here.
They don't even know they're contestants.
You can't just blast people with a hose in a bar.
They will leave.
Lock the door.
No, that's not gonna work.
Frank, go get your gun.
Perfect.
Go over to Mr.
Kim.
Convince him to close for the day.
I can do that.
Oh, excuse us! Excuse us, please.
Excuse us! Heyoh! Heyoh! I love when you say it! We are so happy.
And do you know why? We just got engaged.
Yes! You guys just got engaged? Yes! Yes.
Now we're engaged.
All right, do you want to have some champagne? Yes.
We're gonna have some champagne to celebrate this.
Come on.
Champagne! Did you guys happen to catch what Sun-Li was wearing? White tank top.
A white tank top.
Exactly.
I was thinking we could talk Charlie into having her enter the wet T-shirt contest.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll tell him it's all a part of Dee's talent show.
Right.
When she jumps up on the stage, we'll blast her with the water.
The crowd will go crazy.
The other girls are gonna want to join in.
And we will save the bar.
And then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.
I agree with the first part.
But the second part seems incredibly harsh.
That's the best goddamn part! Look, you guys deal with that.
I'm gonna go take care of Mr.
Kim.
Yeah, what do you want Boom! What the hell is this? Oh, only Mr.
Kim's secret microbrew recipe.
Hmm.
It's in Korean.
What am I supposed to do with this? Maybe I can get Sun-Li to translate it for us.
Sun-Li? Hi.
Could you read this for us, please? Okay.
"Bony American is dirty, dirty whore.
She bring much shame to herself and country.
" Great.
Good work, Dee.
Yeah.
You really topped yourself this year, Sis.
Charlie, can we talk to you for a sec? You whore? Mm-hmm.
Good.
What you want? I'm gonna have to ask you to shut this place down.
I am shut down.
Look around, you jerk! No one here.
Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that.
What's up? My daughter, Sun-Li she is missing! Korean broad? You seen her? Uh, no.
Oh, she no come home last night! Well, I'm sure she's gonna come back.
She probably just met some guy.
What you talking about? You sick freak! Sun-Li only 12 years old! What? She just 12-year-old girl! Oh, shit! Attention, everybody.
Hey, attention.
Our first contestant halls from North Korea.
That's right, North Korea, everybody.
She's gonna be doing something or other.
And then we're gonna blast her with water from a hose.
It's gonna be great, right? You're gonna want to stick around for this.
And listen, ladies, if you wanna get in on this action, please do not hesitate to do so.
Okay, take it away.
All set.
Uh, wait a second.
You're gonna blast my fiancée with water, exposing her breasts to this entire crowd? Yeah, man.
Is that cool? That's very cool.
Awesome.
All right, Sun-Li, hit it! Oh, Great Leader we come to enjoy you You make sun and moon In the sky The earth is spinning because of your laughter All right, she's bombing.
Blast her.
All righty.
All right, everybody! Three, two One! Oh, God! Come on, Frank! What are you doing, Frank? Son of a bitch! The wet T-shirt contest is off! Why? She's only 12 years old! What? You're just 12? Twelve, Charlie! Oh, shit.
That actually explains a lot.
Wait.
Where are you guys going? You guys don't have to leave! No, stay, drink! We didn't know she was 12.
Goddamn it! Well, there goes the pub crawl.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Well, I feel better about myself.
Why? Uh, all I did was sleep with a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe.
Charlie banged a 12 year old.
No, I didn't.
What? Yeah.
I didn't even kiss that girl.
Like, nothing happened.
Really? Yeah, absolutely.
I can't believe you banged a toothless busboy.
Those goddamn North Koreans.
They are some sneaky bastards.
Yeah.
Yep.