Keeping Up Appearances s03e06 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) ( humming ) HELLO? MUSEUM AND ART GALLERY? COULD I SPEAK TO THE CURATOR, PLEASE? YES, OF COURSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
MY NAME IS "BOUQUET.
" B-U-C-K-E-T.
YES, I'LL HOLD.
I'M BACK! SHOES, DEAR.
YES, DEAR.
HELLO.
HE'S NOT AVAILABLE? GONE TO AN AR EXHIBITION? COULDN'T HE DO THAT SORT OF THING IN HIS OWN TIME? LOOK, MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN INVITED THIS EVENING TO THE PREVIEW OF A PRIVATE EXHIBITION WITH CHEESE AND WINE.
AND I NEED SOME TIPS ON ART APPRECIATION.
YES, OF COURSE, I APPRECIATE IT, AS MY SON SHERIDAN WILL TESTIFY.
I DON'T CARE FOR THE MODERN RUBBISH, BUT I DO LIKE A FRAME THAT DOESN'T GATHER DUST.
YOU SEE-- WHAT-- HELLO? HELLO! PHILISTINES! ( soft piano music plays ) DON'T STOP.
I WOULDN'T'VE MINDED GOING TO THE ART EXHIBITION THIS EVENING.
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING.
BUT HYACINTH'S GOING.
EMMET, YOU CAN'T STOP GOING TO PLACES JUST BECAUSE HYACINTH MIGHT BE THERE.
OH, YES I CAN.
THAT STRIKES ME AS A VERY SENSIBLE PLAN.
WHAT DID YOU GE FOR ME DEAR? HMM? FROM THE LIBRARY.
"THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO MODERN ART.
" "BEGINNER'S"? WITH A SON AT UNIVERSITY STUDYING TAPESTRY DESIGN AND ADVANCED NEEDLEWORK? BUT YOU AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ART.
GRANTED WE DON'T KNOW ALL THE TECHNICALITIES.
BUT REALLY, RICHARD, NOBODY COULD CALL US BEGINNERS.
I HAVE A DEEP NATURAL APPRECIATION OF ALL THINGS ARTISTIC.
WHY DO PEOPLE LOOK SO STUNNED AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS? AND THIS ONE'S CALLED, "THE FLAME OF CREATION.
" GOODNESS ME.
WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT DEAR? 23 ESSAYS ON THE CREATIVE PROCESS.
23? WE'VE NO TIME FOR ALL THOSE.
THE EXHIBITION'S TODAY.
IT'S ONLY AMATEUR, YOU KNOW-- DABBLERS, SUNDAY PAINTERS.
IT IS BEING OPENED BY THE MAYOR.
AH! WHY DID YOU SAY "AH" LIKE THAT? I THINK I'VE JUS SPOTTED A 24th APPROACH TO THE CREATIVE PROCESS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, DEAR.
LISTEN TO THIS-- AU REVOIR,DAD.
" WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? - ON HIS PILLOW.
- AH, POOR LOVE.
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ANYWHERE ROMANTICALLY WITH MRS.
CLAYTON.
WHERE DO YOU GO TO JOIN THE LEGION? IS THERE A BRANCH ROUND HERE? I DOUBT IT.
WE'VE ONLY JUST GO COLONEL SANDERS.
- ONSLOW! - OHH! DO YOU MIND IF I OPEN MY EYES UP SLOWLY? 'CAUSE NO GOOD COMES FROM RUSHING YOUR MORNING EXERCISES.
( groans ) THERE'RE SOME MORNINGS WHEN THE LIGHT GOES STRAIGH THROUGH YOU.
WHERE DO YOU GO TO JOIN THE LEGION? COOPER STREET.
NOT THE BRITISH LEGION, THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION.
THEY'LL NEVER TAKE YOU.
IT'S JUST FOR FELLAS.
SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT BE WORTH A TRY.
IT'S NOT FOR ME, YOU FOOL.
IT'S FOR FATHER.
HE'S GONE TO JOIN THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION.
HE'LL NEVER GE THROUGH THE MEDICAL.
OH COME ON, ONSLOW, GET UP.
WE'VE GOT TO GO AND FIND FATHER.
OHHH! DO YOU THINK THIS IS A SUITABLE HA FOR AN ART EXHIBITION? YES, IT'S FINE.
WHAT ABOUT THIS? I LIKE IT EVEN BETTER A SECOND TIME.
RICHARD, IT'S A DIFFERENT HAT.
OH, IS IT? OF COURSE, IT IS.
IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.
WHAT ARE YOU READING, DEAR? NOT SO MUCH READING AS BROWSING THROUGH THE PICTURES.
YOU WANTED ME TO BECOME FAMILIAR WITH ART.
NOT THAT FAMILIAR.
THEY'RE NO ALL LIKE THAT.
I SHOULD HOPE NOT.
I WAS JUST PICKING UP A FEW POINTS HERE AND THERE.
I APPRECIATE THAT, RICHARD.
BUT WHAT I'M GOING TO BE WEARING IS FAR MORE IMPORTAN THAN WHAT THEY'RE NOT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, LIZ.
I'M BEING RIDICULOUS.
I WANT TO GO TO THE EXHIBITION, TO THE EXHIBITION.
I'M A GROWN MAN.
I'M NOT GOING TO STAY AWAY JUST 'CAUSE HYACINTH IS GOING.
YEAH, YOU TELL 'EM, TIGER.
I'M DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO ALLOW HYACINTH TO INTERFERE IN MY LIFE.
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.
I MEAN, SHE'LL BE THERE AND I'LL BE THERE, SO WHAT? WE'LL BE TOGETHER IN THE SAME ROOM, THAT'S ALL.
AND THAT'S ALL IT TAKES.
OHH! SHE'S GOING TO DRIVE ME BANANAS.
WRONG.
HYACINTH WON'T BE FOCUSING ON YOU.
SHE'LL BE TOO BUSY TRYING TO IMPRESS THE MAYOR AND MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT.
( phone ringing ) ANYWAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT TIGER I WAS TALKING TO A MOMENT AGO? HELLO? HELLO, HYACINTH.
( chuckling ) WHA-- COFFEE? NOW? NO, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T.
I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO-- NO, I WAS-- IT'S-- NO, I WAS GOING TO-- ALL RIGHT, IN FIVE MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, YES.
THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
IT'S LIKE TALKING TO BRICK.
WORDS JUST BOUNCE OFF.
DON'T GO.
NO, SHE'LL ONLY COME ROUND HERE TO GET ME.
GO! DO I DROP THINGS IN THIS HOUSE? WHAT? WELL, CUPS OF COFFEE AND THINGS.
DO I DROP THEM IN THIS HOUSE? NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE, NO.
THEN WHY DO I DROP EVERYTHING AT HYACINTH'S? LIZ, WILL YOU PLEASE GO BEFORE HYACINTH COMES ROUND TO COLLECT YOU? - YEAH, BUT-- - GO! THERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
TRY NOT TO SPILL THIS ONE.
I DO TRY.
I DON'T GO EVERYWHERE SPILLING COFFEE.
HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR? I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR.
IT MIGHT BE A BIT QUICKER THAN MY MOPPING UP ALL THE TIME.
MY NERVES ARE PERFECTLY SOUND EVERYWHERE ELSE.
- PLATE? - OH YES, THANK YOU.
YOU SHOULDN'T INVITE ME SO OFTEN, HYACINTH.
WELL, I'VE TRIED NOT TO, DEAR.
- BISCUIT? - NO THANK YOU, NO.
WHAT ABOUT INVITING SOME OF YOUR OTHER FRIENDS? OH, I DO DEAR.
BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY'RE NEVER ABLE TO COME.
( phone ringing ) EXCUSE ME.
THAT MAY BE SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE.
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY.
HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? IT'S MY SISTER DAISY.
SHE GETS BY WITHOU A SWIMMING POOL AND A SAUNA, AND SHE'S NEVER LIKED PONIES.
DAISY, HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? GOOD.
AND I EXPEC ONSLOW'S KEEPING WELL AS USUAL.
MMM.
( chuckling ) DADDY? I'M SORRY, DAISY, BUT FOR A MOMENT I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU SAID THAT DADDY'S GONE OFF TO JOIN THE FOREIGN LEGION.
HE HAS.
WE MUST STOP HIM, DEAR.
NOW STAY THERE WILL YOU, DEAR? I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED YOUR COFFEE.
- I WAS ABOUT TO.
- GOOD.
WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER AT THE ART EXHIBITION.
GOODBYE, DEAR.
( doorbell rings ) OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
IT MATCHES MY SET.
HYACINTH, IT IS-- I THINK IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
FATHER'S RUN OFF AND YOU THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL? IT'S SO ROMANTIC THAT HE SHOULD RUN AWAY AT HIS AGE.
ALL FOR THE LOVE OF MRS.
CLAYTON.
SHE SEEMS TO HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE.
DIDN'T MR.
CLAYTON LEG IT AWAY AS FAS AS HE COULD GO? YOU'VE GOT NO POETRY IN YOUR SOUL, OUR ONSLOW.
HIM? POETRY? HE'S NOT BUIL FOR POETRY.
YOU CAN'T BE THE BREADWINNER ROUND HERE AND POETIC AS WELL.
ANYWAY, NOT TO WORRY, 'CAUSE I'VE GO A GENTLEMAN FRIEND, MR.
FINCHLEY, WHO HAS THE IDEAL VEHICLE FOR FINDING FATHERS.
THEN LE MR.
FINCHLEY FIND FATHER.
WHILE I'LL STAY HERE AND FOLLOW THE FILLIES.
POOR DADDY.
WE MUST FIND HIM BEFORE HE GETS INVOLVED IN SOME BATTLE.
HE'S NOT GOING TO GET INVOLVED IN A BATTLE.
DO YOU KNOW WHICH WAY HE'S GONE? TO FRANCE.
GO TO THE ROUNDABOU AND HEAD FOR FRANCE.
WHICH WAY IS FRANCE? GOOD HEAVENS, RICHARD, DO YOU HAVE TO RELY ON ME FOR EVERYTHING? YOU SHOULD'VE TURNED LEFT.
LEFT?! ARE YOU SURE? I WAS RATHER THINKING IT MUST BE RIGHT.
NO, MY INSTINC TELLS ME LEFT.
RIGHT YOU ARE.
LEFT IT IS.
GOOD MORNING, MR.
FINCHLEY.
MORNING, ROSE.
CHECK THE PUBS.
IF HE'S GOING TO FIGH IN THE DESERT, HE'S BOUND TO BE THIRSTY.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE IN THE DESERT ANYMORE.
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
ALL THAT SAND.
HE NEVER LIKED CLEETHORPES.
ALONE AT LAST, ONSLOW.
AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FATHER? NOT HALF AS WORRIED AS YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR WIFE.
OOH! LISTEN, I CAN' STAND HERE CHATTING.
THERE'S RACING ON THE TELLY.
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU USED TO CHASE ME ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
THAT WAS BEFORE WE GOT COLOR, WASN'T IT? OH NICE! YOU SAID THE LIBRARY.
I TURNED RIGHT AT THE LIBRARY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GETTING INTO YOU RICHARD.
IT'S BEYOND ME.
I TRY TO ENSURE YOUR LIFE FLOWS IN ONE PLACID STREAM, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REWARD ME.
( groans ) WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SAID ( groans ) - MIND THE CYCLIST.
- I CAN SEE THE CYCLIST.
OH, STOP! NOW WHAT? THERE'S MRS.
LENNOX.
OF COURSE, SHE LIVES IN ONE OF THESE LARGE HOUSES.
I MUST HAVE A WORD WITH HER.
HER HUSBAND'S SOMETHING VERY BIG IN THE BUILDING INDUSTRY.
A CRANE? OH DAMN, IT'S THE BUCKET WOMAN.
MRS.
LENNOX, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
I WAS JUST WONDERING WILL YOU BE AT THE AR EXHIBITION LATER? NOT IF SHE'S GOING.
ART, AS YOU KNOW, IS A PASSION OF MINE.
( laughing, coughing ) WOOPS! DO PLEASE EXCUSE ME.
MY HUSBAND APPEARS TO BE CHOKING.
I'M NOT A BI SURPRISED.
RICHARD, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TURNING THAT COLOR IN FRONT OF MRS.
LENNOX.
LET'S CHECK "THE GOLDEN COMPASS.
" HAVE WE GOT TIME FOR A QUICK CUDDLE, ROSE? NO, WE HAVEN'T.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND FATHER.
Oh, Mr.
Finchley, will you kindly put both hands back on the wheel? Mr.
Finchley! OH LOOK, THERE'S HYACINTH.
DRIVE ON, DRIVE ON.
I CAN'T, I NEED PETROL.
HELLO, HYACINTH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THIS WAY? WE THOUGHT WE'D GO FOR A LITTLE DRIVE.
RICHARD LOVES HIS LITTLE DRIVES.
WE'VE JUST BEEN TO THE GARDEN CENTER.
OH, HOW NICE.
HELLO.
HELLO, RICHARD.
DON'T LET US KEEP YOU.
I WAS THINKING JUST YESTERDAY, HYACINTH, HOW'S YOUR FATHER THESE DAYS? FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
HE'S FINE.
WONDERFULLY ACTIVE FOR HIS AGE.
CERTAINLY IS.
Will you stop that, Mr.
Finchley? Mr.
Finchley, stop it.
Not in the main road! Can't you wait? WASN'T THA ROSE'S VOICE? OH, I WOULDN'T THINK SO FOR A MINUTE.
WELL, WE MUS BE GOING.
GET IN, RICHARD.
IT WAS.
IT WAS ROSE.
THE ONE WITH THE FRIENDLY LEGS.
NEVER FORGET A FACE YOU MEN, DO YOU? WE'VE GOT TO CATCH THAT VAN, RICHARD.
I WON'T HAVE ROSE GOING THROUGH THE STREETS NOT KNOWING SHE'S BEING OVERHEARD.
I TAKE THE POINT, BUT WHICH WAY DID THEY GO? WELL, IT'S NO GOOD ASKING ME, DEAR.
I'M NOT THE DRIVER.
- YOU KNOW I NEVER INTERFERE.
- ( chuckles ) RICHARD, WHY ARE YOU MAKING THAT APPALLING NOISE, DEAR? - ARE YOU IN PAIN? - NO, DEAR.
COME ON, ONSLOW, WE'LL HAVE TO GO AND LOOK FOR FATHER.
WHAT DISCOURAGES ME ABOUT LOOKING FOR YOUR FATHER IS WE USUALLY FIND HIM.
DON'T BE SO ROTTEN.
ARE YOU SURE HE WOULDN'T BE HAPPIER IN THE LEGION? IT'S GOT TO BE EASIER THAN TACKLING MRS.
CLAYTON.
I JUST WISH HE WASN'T WEARING THAT BIG TRILBY.
HE ALWAYS LOOKS A BIT BARMY IN THAT BIG TRILBY.
DAISY, YOUR FATHER WOULD LOOK BARMY IN ANYTHING.
IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU SOMEDAY.
IN FACT, ANY DAY.
NEVER MIND ME.
YOUR FATHER HAS A NATURAL GIF FOR BARMY.
IT'S SAD WHEN YOU THINK THA HE USED TO BE ABLE TO SPELL WORDS LIKE "LASCIVIOUS.
" OOH! OOH! I KNEW IT WAS A DANGER SIGNAL.
BLOKES ON HIS INCOME COULDN'T AFFORD TO KNOW WORDS LIKE "LASCIVIOUS.
" ( women scream ) STOP! WHAT IS IT? I THOUGH I HEARD SOMETHING.
JUST CREEP FORWARD GENTLY.
WELL, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
MAYBE THEY REALIZED THE SWITCH WAS ON.
I HOPE SO.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY EMBARRASSING.
ROSE DOESN'T LEAD THE KIND OF LIFE YOU CAN PLAY THROUGH A LOUDSPEAKER.
I LIKE ROSE.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE.
TOO MANY PEOPLE LIKE ROSE.
( laughing on speaker ) Oh, Rose! Oh, Mr.
Finchley.
You've got lovely eyes, Rose.
Flatterer.
And a cheeky little nose, Rose.
And your chin, Rose.
Oh, Mr.
Finchley! It's a lovely throat, Rose.
A throat like a swan, Rose.
Elegant.
Gracefully goes all the way down to your-- ( honking ) I CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY LOOKING FOR DADDY.
I MUST GET READY FOR THE EXHIBITION.
POOR DADDY GONE.
STILL, I TRIED.
I WOULDN'T SAY GONE.
HE USUALLY COMES HOME.
I NEED A CUP OF TEA.
WEARING A MYSTERIOUS SMILE.
I ADMIRE HIM.
HE MAKES UP HIS MIND, AND OFF HE GOES.
IT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO LOSE ONE'S DADDY JUST BEFORE A CHEESE AND WINE.
FANCY GOING OFF LIKE THAT.
I WISH I HAD HIS NERVE.
I HOPE THE FOOD AGREES WITH HIM.
WHAT FOOD? IN FRANCE.
HOW'S HE GOING TO GET TO FRANCE? HAS HE TAKEN ANY MONEY? THE LEGION WILL MEET HIS EXPENSES.
THEY DON'T PAY TO JOIN THE LEGION.
HE'S TOO OLD FOR THE LEGION.
HE'LL LIE ABOUT HIS AGE.
THEY DO.
THE LEGION ASKS NO QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE' GOING TO ASK A FEW WHEN YOUR FATHER TURNS UP.
NOW DON'T SNEER, RICHARD.
I THINK IT'S VERY BRAVE OF DADDY TO SHOW SUCH A FIGHTING SPIRIT.
I SHALL THINK OF HIM GUARDING SOME LONELY OUTPOST.
WHAT SHALL I WEAR, DEAR? TO GUARD A LONELY OUTPOST? FOR GOING TO THE EXHIBITION.
NOW PAY ATTENTION, RICHARD.
I MUST LOOK MY BEST, DEAR.
DADDY WOULD WISH IT.
- CAKE? - PLEASE.
WHO'S THIS FRIEND OF HIS-- MRS.
CLAYTON? OH, SHE'S A RATHER COMMON PERSON.
I'M SURPRISED AT DADDY GETTING INVOLVED EMOTIONALLY.
SHE MUST HAVE SLIPPED SOMETHING INTO HIS DRINK.
THEIR WOMEN DO.
WHOSE WOMEN? THE SORT OF WOMEN WHO GET MIXED UP WITH THE BOYS FROM THE FOREIGN LEGION.
IT HAPPENED TO GARY COOPER.
I SAW I ON THE PICTURES.
SOME GIRL WHO WORKED IN A BAR.
THEY'RE USUALLY CALLED FIFI.
I BET MRS.
CLAYTON'S NOT CALLED FIFI.
SHE WORKS IN A BAR.
DAISY SAID SHE WORKED IN THE CANTEEN AT THE OLD PEOPLE'S CENTER.
IT'S THE SAME THING.
SHE COULD EASILY HAVE ADULTERATED DADDY'S HORLICKS.
IF SHE'S THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS, WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE GO AND FIND OU IF YOUR FATHER'S GONE TO MRS.
CLAYTON? DON'T INTERRUPT ME, DEAR, WHILE I'M THINKING.
OH! WHY DIDN' I THINK OF IT EARLIER? IF SHE'S THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE GO AND FIND OU IF DADDY'S GONE TO MRS.
CLAYTON'S? DADDY! ARE WE IN TIME? ARE YOU STILL BRITISH? - ( honking and yelling ) - ALL RIGHT! IN YOU GET, DEAR.
OHH.
OH, DEAR! ( screams ) WHOOPS, I'M SORRY, DADDY.
DO WE REALLY NEED THIS? KEEP BRITAIN TIDY, RICHARD.
( whistles ) I MUST SAY THE LEGION WOULD HAVE BEEN TIDIER.
I HATE DADDY LIVING HERE.
I'D TAKE HIM HOME IF HE DIDN'T SLOP HIS COCOA.
COME ALONG, DEAR.
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU WITH THE POLE.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU THINK I'D HIT YOU WITH THE POLE? ( groans ) SORRY.
WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE, RICHARD? WHAT A SILLY PLACE TO STAND.
WELL, TAKE IT.
COME ALONG, DEAR.
THAT'S IT.
NOW KEEP UP, RICHARD.
COME ALONG.
( barking ) NO ONE IN.
YOU'LL HAVE TO RUN ME TO THE ART EXHIBITION, RICHARD.
THEN LOOK AFTER DADDY TILL DAISY GETS HOME.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO THE EXHIBITION.
YES, WELL, THINGS CHANGE, DEAR.
COME ON.
OH, WE WON' NEED THAT.
VICAR! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
HELLO, MRS.
BUCKET.
"BOUQUET.
" I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE AN ART LOVER? OH YES, VICAR.
WE GO MILES, RICHARD AND I, FOR A LITTLE CULTURE.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE MILES.
YOU SEE, I LOVE GOING TO ART EXHIBITIONS.
IT'S A HOBBY OF RICHARD'S AND MINE.
I DO LOVE A GOOD SUNSET.
WE'LL SEE YOU INSIDE THEN, VICAR.
YES, I EXPEC YOU WILL.
IT'S A SMALL WORLD, ISN'T IT? AND GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER.
NOW, RICHARD, GET DADDY HOME.
KEEP RINGING ONSLOW UNTIL THEY FETCH HIM.
AND DON'T LET HIM MARK MY WALLPAPER.
OH BYE, BYE DADDY.
GONE! - HE MUST HAVE GONE INSIDE.
- INSIDE?! I THINK I'D RATHER HE'D JOINED THE LEGION.
RICHARD, IT MAY BE NECESSARY SOCIALLY TO INTRODUCE HIM AS YOUR FATHER.
MY FATHER? JUST FOR THIS EVENING, OF COURSE.
I COULDN'T BEAR TO LOSE DADDY FOR ANY LONGER THAN THAT.
BUT HYACINTH-- PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL BE KIND TO DADDY WHILE HE'S YOURS, WON'T YOU? I DO HOPE IT'S ALL FLOWERS AND SUNSETS.
I RELY ON YOU, RICHARD, TO KEEP DADDY AWAY FROM ANY NUDES.
( theme music playing )