Last Man Standing s03e06 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" was recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hello, my beautiful sister.
Yes, let's lock that in as your standard greeting.
Yeah! What are you so happy about? This hot guy, Wyatt Pierce, he talked to me today.
My God.
I remember the first hot guy who talked to me.
We were in second grade, and he already knew he wanted to be a doctor.
So, um, first, he, likechecked up on my Me, Mandy.
We're talking about me.
Wyatt asked me to copy my homework.
Yeah, no, you don't want to let him do that.
I'm pretty sure I do.
No, sweetie, he's using you.
I think he might really like me, Mandy okay, well, if hot guy likes you now, he's gonna want you even more after you turn him down.
So you never say no, but you want me to? Hey.
What are you guys talking about? This hot guy at school wants to copy my homework.
But you said no, right? 'Cause he will respect you more.
Trust me.
Okay.
That's smart.
Thanks, Kristin.
Beep-bop.
Sorry.
One thing.
"Thanks, Kristin"? I think, um, I just said the same thing.
I don't think so.
What she said made sense.
No one listens to the beautiful.
Year after year, miss America says we should end world hunger, but I am pretty sure it's still a problem.
Hey.
Carol.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you? - How's it going? Good to see you.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Yeah.
Is Mike here? Yeah, he just got home.
We can't stay then.
Okay.
Um listen, I'm running for school board, and we'd love it if you'd put one of my campaign signs on your lawn.
Of course.
Yeah.
Us sisters, we got to stick together! "We sisters.
" Yeah, grammar's a big part of my platform.
Thanks.
All right, Chuck, you get this side of the street.
I'll get lunch.
- Right on.
- Let me see that.
- Here you go.
Look at that smile.
Who in their right mind wouldn't vote for her? Aw, it's just you, larabee? Honey, call home security.
Tell them it's just a false alarm.
You don't need home security, Baxter.
That hillbilly truck you drive lets everybody know there's nothing in this place worth stealing.
Where should I put the sign? That's cardboard and metal.
That's the blue bin, right? Aw.
Here we go.
It's never easy with you, is it, Baxter? Carol is running for school board and we are going to support her.
We can't support her.
She may have bad judgment.
I mean, look who she married.
She stands for better schools.
You got a problem with better schools? No, that's not really his problem.
Why don't you show your buddy Chuck where to put this? Hey, no.
He's not my buddy.
Why do you say "Buddy"? He's not my buddy.
Let's figure out where to put your stupid sign.
Hey, if anybody knows stupid.
I'm following stupid right out into my yard.
That's what I'm doing.
Yeah, so, if you've got any questions, just come to me.
I've been janitor, then stock clerk, then loading-dock clerk, and clerk clerk.
Jack of all trades? I'm Kyle, dude.
You're not gonna last very long around here if you can't remember people's names.
- Morning, Mr.
B.
- Morning.
I was just showing the new guy around.
Yeah? Show him where the crossbows are.
Get him an apple.
I'll be right downstairs.
Mr.
B.
He's just giving you the business.
We do that a lot around here.
Shut up, Kyle.
Classic Mr.
B.
Well, I do appreciate the janitor job, Mike.
I know you don't like having me around here.
Not just here.
Kyle! Kyle, coffee! Morning, Mr.
Alzate.
Why am I staring at an empty pot? This Danish feels like a big rig jackknifed in my colon.
Allow me, sir.
What's with that salte ? Well, you said your stomach was bothering you.
The sodium cuts the acid and makes it a lot smoother.
Well, how about that, Kyle? We have in our midst an expert at teasing gentle flavor from the arabica bean.
Yeah, but what we really need is someone who can make some coffee.
Yeah, I learned a lot about coffee backpacking through Brazil.
Did you know that old grounds make excellent fertilizer? Yeah? And, I'm no expert, but that miniature Jayne Austin Rose in there could use a little bit of nitrogen.
You're the first person to notice my roses and know them by name.
He could spend some time learning the name of his co-workers.
Called me Jack.
Yeah, between junior and senior year of college, I actually worked in a nursery.
Yeah, I just needed time away from all the books and the schedules and yeah, and the kid you left behind.
I think you spent time in the wrong nsery.
Don't worry, son.
Mike's a fair guy.
He's gonna forgive you one day.
Every young man makes mistakes.
I married my fair share, so Well, thank you, Mr.
Alzate.
No, Ed.
Ed.
Well, hey, if you like a guy that makesistakes, I mean, I'm right here.
I might have left my stove on.
Who knows what I'm coming home to? Mike? Mike?! I'm here.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm still this handsome.
Look outside, and tell me what you see.
Go ahead.
The sherazis added another fountain? No.
What you don't see.
Carol's sign.
Honey, what happened to Carol's sign? How the hell would I know? Maybe it's moving on up to the east side.
Come on.
That's not funny.
We have to support her.
We know her.
She's been in our home.
So has the guy that fixes the garbage disposal, and he's probably not qualified for public office 'cause he can actually fix something.
She's our friend, Mike.
She's only your friend because she gives you some sort street cred.
Stop.
You know, Carol's my friend just like Chuck is is your friend.
Chuck is not my friend.
Please.
You lo-o-o-ve Chuck.
You know, I bet you took that sign just so your best buddy would come marching over here and you could do your weird mating dance.
"You're stupid.
" "No, you're an idiot.
" It's like foreplay.
Listen, there's only one person I consider my best friend.
Honey.
Rick Wallace.
Rick Wallace? But you haven't seen him in 10 years.
That's what makes him a perfect friend.
He never calls.
He doesn't want anything from me.
He might even be dead.
Well, I am glad you two are so tight.
I'm kidding around.
He's alive.
We connect on Facebook all the time.
He's always telling me how his kid got third place in a swim meet.
Not sure why you'd want to advertise that.
Mike, youyou really don't consider us friends? How can we be friends? We're married.
Go on.
- Honey, honey, honey, honey.
- What? We've got something bigger than a friendship.
We have a legally binding contract.
And that's the only thing keeping us together? No, but it it's an incentive.
Mandy, honey, I want to get your opinion on something.
Finally.
Somebody who values my advice around here.
Don't bring her into this.
Do you consider Kyle to be your best friend? That's really interesting.
Um, let me think.
Well, I have my besties, my BFFS, and my frenemies, and then there's my guy friends.
So, like there's my gays and my ex-boyfriends and then my wannabe-boyfriend friends, and then there's, like, my work friends and my school friends and my Facebook friends, Twitter-ati, and then the girlfriends whose names I don't know, but I'm just like, "Hey, girlfriend! Yeah!" And then there's my bitches.
Yeah.
And and Kyle? Yeah.
He's in there somewhere.
And, honey, I'm sure you're in there somewhere, too.
Here, let me get that.
Ha ha ha.
Chuck.
Hi, Mr.
Larabee.
Vanessa.
Mandy.
Baxter.
Chuck.
I noticed your sign was missing.
Yeah, it it disapared.
We could put another one up right away.
Maybe we should put it in the backyard this time keep it nice and safe.
See, pal? I thought you'd come to support a black candidate.
Don't you ever want to be on the winning side? Yeah, my theory is Mike took the sign just so you would come over here, because you two enjoy each other's company so much.
What the what? Noyeah.
What? No.
I-I go out of my way to avoid him.
Well, you suck at it.
I can see you.
Geez, you two.
Get a room.
Hey, Ed, you remember Rick Wallace, right? Best man at your wedding.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
One of my best friends.
You wouldn't happen to have his phone number, would you? I stopped talking to that guy.
He was always bragging about his mediocre kid.
Third place in the swim meet.
"Yay, you lost.
You lost.
" Kind of lost touch with him.
He moved away.
I guess that's what happens.
He moved back to Denver two years ago.
He's been in the store.
Surprised he didn't say "Hi".
Probably just, you know, knows I'm busy.
Probably didn't want to bug me.
That's why he's a great friend.
- Hey, Mr.
Alzate? - Yeah.
I was thinking about that conversation you had with Ryan yesterday.
So, I made you this.
A mix tape? Yeah, a killer mix tape.
"Kiss from a rose," by seal, "Every rose has its Thorn," by miley C.
, and, of course, "The rose," by the divine miss M.
Guess what the theme is.
"How to make another man really uncomfortable.
" I don't know what to do with this.
Well, I thought we could listen to it, you know, while we talk about worldly stuff like salty coffee and roses.
O-or kangaroos.
I did a report on them in the fourth grade, so Some other time, Kyle.
My daughter and I have lunch plans.
Actually, Gabriella called and had to cancel, sir.
So you're as free as a kookaburra bird, a species indigenous to Australia, like the kangaroo.
All right, now who do I have lunch with? Ryan.
Ryan, you hungry? Always.
Good.
Let's have lunch.
You're gonna love this place.
It has a candy cane rose bush growing over the portico.
Yeah, it's an amazing restaurant.
Except for the food.
Hi.
What's so funny? What's up? - What? - No.
Nothing.
Um, Eve was just telling me all about Wyatt.
Yep, I told him he couldn't copy my homework, and he asked me to hang out tonight.
Yes! Exactly what I said would happen.
Exactly what Kristin said would happen.
But I said it first.
Okay, Mandy, you are sounding really childish right now.
That's why I didn't take her advice.
But you did take it! Can't wait to meet this guy.
When's he coming to pick you up? No.
I'm meeting him and a bunch of people at the mall.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
Low-key, less pressure.
Group date.
Bag.
Yeah, see you later, Wyatt.
If he really liked you, he'd ask you out solo.
No, no, no.
Maybe he's just nervous and wants to have his friends around, yeah.
No.
Guys go on group dates to keep their options open.
He's probably gonna go sneak off and make out with Sarah.
How did you know Sarah was going? There's always a Sarah.
Hey, I say go for it, okay? You are just being competitive because she took my advice and not yours.
It was my advice! We gave her the same advice! - Hello, ladies.
- Hey, dad.
What are you doing home from work? I forgot something.
I forgot your boyfriend works where I work.
What are you doing home? Well, feeling real welcome.
Where are you going? Well, contractually bound roommate, I am going to have lunch with my good friend Carol larabee.
It is something that friends do.
Well, if you become best friends, you'll never have to see her.
Mike.
Somebody stole Carol's sign again.
Well, we tried.
No, hey.
Come here.
Come on.
What? How about I go to larabee's and ask for another one? Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
You don't want your best buddy to think you're the one who took it.
I couldn't give a rat's ass what larabee thinks.
You know, from now on, let's leave the manger up all year long.
No one's gonna pull this kind of crap in front of a plastic Jesus.
Larabee.
Need a hand with that, Baxter? This is fun.
Yeah.
Boy, it's been a long time since we've had lunch together? Have we ever had lunch together? Haven't we? Never.
Then it really has been a long time.
Boy, I really I love your earrings.
Chuck gave these to me for our anniversary.
Mike gave me a lecture on why anniversaries are fascist.
You know, let me let me ask you something.
Um, do you and Chuck consider yourselves friends? we're best friends.
Great.
That's good.
Great.
Yeah, um, you know, Mike Mike won't admit that he and I are best friends.
That's something you want? And I keep forgetting that you've met Mike.
I mean, you know, I-I-I know he loves me.
I just want to know that he likes me as much as some guy he hasn't seen in 10 years.
- What do men know about friendship? - Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, Chuck won't even say that he and Mike are friends.
God.
Men are so afraid of their feelings.
It's like if they admit they like each other, they're on the trail to "Brokeback Mountain.
" If being gay means being able to express your feelings, I wish our husbands were more like those two.
Over there.
That's amazing.
It tastes amazing.
Hey, so how was lunch with Ryan? Does he know anything about kangaroos? Lunch was ordered, eaten, and is now being digested.
So it's not a good time.
All right.
That was my nice way of asking you to get the hell out.
What's bothering you, son? I'm just trying to work up the courage to tell you something, sir.
So spit it out.
You've wasted enough time.
Okay, um, Ryan's been working here for two weeks.
I'm sorry that was so hard for you to say.
No, no, no.
There'sthere's more.
Um, I've been working here for four years.
I can see how all that math can be difficult.
It's just that in all that time, not once have you asked me, "hey, do you want to go get lunch?" I ask you to get lunch all the time.
You ask me to get your lunch.
And a lot of times, I have to pay for it.
You know, by the way, you owe me $7.
$6.
88.
I rounded up 'cause I'm really upset right now.
Kyle, Kyle.
Kyle, wait.
Okay.
I think I understand.
You want to get lunch? Fine.
What do you want me to get you? No, Kyle.
No, no.
No.
Just the two of us next week.
We'll spend some quality time together.
Thank you, sir.
It means a lot to me.
- All right.
- All right.
Has it really been four years? Well, it's only been 3 years, 9 months, and 2 days.
Wow.
Got to get that rounding-up thing under control.
All right.
This sign isn't going anywhere, whether I want it to or not much like you in this neighborhood.
So you still think I stole your signs? Well, I don't know.
How about you give me the key to those locks? Okay, Baxter.
Sorry I suspected you.
I'm used to being persecuted.
You have no idea what it's like being a white man in America.
I sure hope Carol wins.
It'd be a shame to go through all of this and not have the house all to myself.
Yeah, I'd love that having no one around to talk to.
Yeah.
I kind of wish that was happening right now.
Yeah, but I understand, you know? My Carol she loves to chat.
Yeah, you know why? 'Cause wives think we can be their best friends.
Now, how can we be friends? We're married.
That's what I told Vanessa.
Wait.
You said that? To your wife? Out loud? No, no, no, no, no, no.
When she asks, you tell her she's your best friend.
It's so simple.
A little white lie.
You've co-opted so much of our culture, we can borrow from yours.
Fact is, I haven't seen my real best friend in years.
He might be dead.
Mine, too.
Rick Wallace? Why don't women understand the value of that kind of friendship? Yeah, well, until I can hang with someone I actually enjoy, seems like I'm stuck with the likes of you, Baxter.
that's a bad lot for the both of us.
Hey, honey.
Hey.
Wow.
Looks like you guys worked really hard to put this sign up.
Take it down.
Yeah.
We are not supporting Carol.
Well, th-that that sign's not going anywhere.
It'd be easier for us to move.
Now, I'm sorry, Chuck, but your wife wants to get rid of the after-school program for the arts that I started.
It's crazy.
She's all about cutting spending.
What? Toss some lights on that.
More people can look at that thing.
Yeah, well, believe it or not, she's more of a conservative than you are when it comes to taxes.
Well, now, what is it about Carol that made you assume she's liberal? No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not because she's black.
It's because she's nice and smart.
Just smart enough to realize the value of arts in school.
Carol is black? Always the last to know.
Must upset you because, you know, you're such good friends.
Yeah, no, we're still good friends.
Wait, wait, wait.
She may be your friend, Vanessa, but she's my best friend like husbands and wives should be.
Good luck, Baxter.
So, now you're all for Carol? I thought you supported my arts program.
I did support your arts program.
Yeah, because it's a good idea.
It's stupidest idea ever.
Total waste of money.
Art is for hanging on walls, right? And ever since the advent of the plasma screen, it's pretty much made art obsolete.
But you helped me the whole time I was trying to push it through all the school-board meetings, all the work to get the funding.
Yeah, but it was the dumbest idea ever.
Well, then why did you do it? I mean, you already said I'm not your friend.
I wouldn't do it for my friend, but I would do it for my wife.
Honey.
Or Rick Wallace if he asked.
But he wouldn't because that's what kind of friend he is.
Hey.
Hey.
So, how did the movie date go? Terrible.
Yes, I was right! I'm so sorry.
What happened? Wyatt ignored me the whole time and then went and made out with Emma haller.
Boom.
Just like I called it.
Unh-unh.
You said Sarah.
All Emmas are Sarahs.
I never want to see Wyatt again.
Wrong.
You're gonna want Wyatt around.
Not so you can see him, but so he can see you while you're making out with his best friend.
No, no, no.
Eve, seriously.
Okay, that is the last thing you want to do.
- You don't want - Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
His best friend is Greg van Dorn, so I want to hear more about this making-out business.
Yes.
Honestly, don't take any guy advice from Kristin, all right? She always played it way too safe when it came to boys.
Um, I got pregnant when I was 17.
Yeah, and who told you not to go out with Ryan? This guy.