Last Tango In Halifax (2012) s03e06 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 6
1 ~ Gary! ~ Did Alan like the football? ~ He can't leave us alone! He's a bit of a bloody nuisance, Gary.
Three times he introduced me to people - "This is my dad".
This little old man managed to get his narrow boat wedged.
My dad has to make a decision.
~ You're getting married! ~ Can you live with someone, sleep with someone, knowing you ~ murdered his brother? ~ I think I've upset Gillian.
He thinks we haven't got two brass farthings to wipe our arses with.
I offered to pay for the wedding.
Dad, you're not going to believe this.
Morning! ~ Lovely morning for it! ~ Yes! Isn't it? ~ Morning! ~ That's nice.
A gay couple with a baby.
~ Who are they? ~ I've no idea.
What time are we leaving, Dad? Can you field that one? Gillian! ~ Hey, is this here straight? ~ You're lovely, Alan.
You're perfect.
~ What's she doing? ~ Give her another shout.
Gillian?! ~ We're going to be late.
~ Is she still in the bathroom? I've no idea.
Gillian?! Gillian? Gillian? What's up? I, um I can't do it.
You were right.
~ I can't marry him.
~ OK.
All right.
OK.
It's not, it's not, it's not because of that Eddie thing business, specifically.
It's all sorts, it's everything.
~ It's me dad.
~ Your dad? ~ It's our Raff.
~ How? ~ I didn't want a stupid big do.
I said that.
I kept saying that, and now here we are, ~ £10,000 later.
~ OK.
~ And what for? ~ OK.
~ Other people.
The only reason, the only reason I accepted this is because of all the arguing ~ after that stupid article in The Courier! ~ Mmm.
Guilt.
I accepted it.
A - because it was what everybody else wanted, and and B - I felt guilty.
~ Why didn't he come and talk to me? ~ It's not how he does things.
Instead of just going silent on me and not answering any phone calls? He doesn't make a fuss.
It's not his way.
~ It's embarrassing.
You've embarrassed him.
~ How? It's like saying, "Here's this little old fella who was "unfaithful to his wife all those years ago".
That isn't - that wasn't - that isn't what it was about at all! No, but it's implied.
It's fairly obvious what the story behind it is.
THAT is going to get read by everyone who knows him, everyone round here, and it's embarrassing.
You've humiliated him.
No, I haven't.
Fine.
You asked me why he seems to have stopped bothering with you.
Well, as far as I'm aware, that's what seems to be the answer.
Well, if anyone should be embarrassed, it's me.
Finding out that the man who I thought was my dad wasn't my dad.
Age 46! It's ME who's been humiliated and lied to and God knows what.
Well, yeah, obviously.
That's your perspective.
~ My perspective? ~ Yes! That's I'm not making light of it, obviously you're having it to deal with, but I didn't do the interview to embarrass him.
~ Nobody's ~ That isn't why I did it.
Yeah, nobody thinks that, that's not the point.
I did it because I wanted to CELEBRATE the fact that he's my dad.
I did it to EMBRACE the fact that he's my dad.
I don't want any of us to be embarrassed about it.
Well, that's very nice.
Obviously.
But, from his point of view, you can see, surely you can see, that you've pointed out, in public, that he was unfaithful to the woman he was married to.
~ My mother.
~ My granny.
I don't think that's how people will see it.
It's how he sees it.
Is this Celia? She's found an excuse to go all funny about it again and make him feel bad about things.
No! If anything, she's the one been trying to make out it's ~ not as bad as he thinks.
~ Really? ~ Yeah.
And I think me grandad's right about me going to university and getting a degree.
Not that I'm not grateful.
For the job.
Offer.
But I think .
.
on balance I'd rather stick to the original plan.
He keeps going up to my mum's plaque.
At the chapel.
~ Up Blackley, where we scattered her ashes.
~ Why? Because he feels guilty.
Look, Gary, no-one thinks you did it out of malice.
Well, maybe.
I dunno.
Maybe he SHOULD feel a little bit guilty.
Yeah, well, he does.
So ~ Should I apologise? ~ Well, you could try.
I'm sorry.
I AM sorry.
I don't know what else I can say.
~ So what was the big idea? ~ There wasn't one.
They came to interview me about the charity, the fundraising that we do, and I happened to mention you, and me, and the thing that's happened.
And, suddenly, the article ended up being more about you and me than about the charity.
You know what journalists are like! You're talking about one thing and they latch onto something else.
I don't think this is anywhere near as bad as you think it is.
Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Most people don't even read The Courier.
They wouldn't publish the thing if nobody read it! Of course people read it! People who know me read it.
People who knew Eileen read it.
It might only be a small handful of people, but they are still very much alive! ~ Most of 'em.
~ Did it not occur to you to talk to Alan about it, at least, before they published it? Yeah, and don't talk to me like I was born last week! You knew damned well what you were doing, talking to a journalist.
I know what it's about.
You're angry with me.
~ I'm not angry with you.
~ You're angry with me, because you think I should've done something to help your mum.
Well, if I'd known, I would've done, but I didn't! I didn't know about it, but that doesn't help you, because you're angry with me, as well, for not knowing.
For not knowing you existed.
So you want to lash out, and, though, you probably know that it's irrational, but that doesn't matter either, because all you want to do is humiliate me, I suspect.
Well, well done, you've succeeded.
Hm.
Well, um That's interesting.
It's rubbish, but it's interesting rubbish.
Perhaps I should go.
I think we should get on the internet, and get those tickets for Australia booked.
Now.
Today.
I think he touched a nerve.
Me dad.
I think Gary's motives with that newspaper article were a bit dubious.
So, they're not speaking to each other.
Our Raff's declined, thank God, Gary's very generous thank-you offer to stop him going to university and take him on full-time and train him to be something he's never expressed any interest in whatsoever.
Accountancy.
So That's how I end up in this .
.
fix.
Peace-keeping.
My wedding is a glorified peace-keeping operation.
OK.
So OK, so, I think, to begin with, it's not a fix.
If you stand back and look at it, it's, it's bigger than you wanted, yes.
But, actually, what is it? It's a few hours standing there, smiling and then it's all over! The chances are, I bet you anything, you'll get to the end of the day - earlier, sooner - once the formalities are over and done with, and you'll realise that, actually, you're having a great time.
Or at the very least it's just not that bad.
~ How're we doing? ~ What do you think? ~ Is it about something else? ~ No, no, no.
It'll be fine.
Come on, you don't want your dad ~ to think it's his fault.
~ Don't I? It's really normal to feel like this, at the last minute.
I bet you've got all sorts of daft misgivings buzzing around in your head, but you've just got to keep telling yourself that it's normal, yeah? OK? You didn't want me to marry him.
Yeah.
But we talked that through and you made the decision, didn't you? Hair of the dog.
~ Does that work? ~ I've never tried it.
I've no sympathy.
Yeah, Celia.
You keep saying.
~ Try it, see if it works.
~ What do you fancy? I'll get it.
What were you doing drinking till three o'clock this morning? It was a stag night.
~ I've got a banging headache.
~ What do you fancy then, lad? A brandy? A whisky? Doubles? Aye, go on.
I think it must be summat else.
I'm wondering if I'm coming down with flu.
~ Hello, Celia! ~ Hello! Robbie, you looking forward to Majorca? You'll love it! I've told Mariella, the housekeeper, just to stay out of your way.
That's that lanky streak of greasy shite I told you about that she insisted on inviting.
You have got the ring safe, haven't you? No, Robbie.
I've flogged it.
Hey.
Are you going to say "hiya" to Gary? Course I am.
I haven't fallen out with him.
And, just going back to the other thing, I'm not overly impressed with Robbie.
Well, you're the one that's marrying him! It'll all be fine when we get there.
We've had more f-king arguments about this wedding than anything I can ever remember.
You see, I just think that's really normal, too.
Yeah? Do you? Gillian.
It's agreed, we've accepted it! Yeah, because of me dad falling out with him, and then our Raff deciding he's not taking him up on his stupid job offer! It's booked, it's paid for! We've sent out the invitations! We've - you've been happily choosing all the stuff you want.
Flowers, menu, decor.
Only because people have kept ringing up and asking bloody questions! You're being - you are being irrational.
Just relax.
Just enjoy it, for God's sake! Just go with the flow! ~ Is this about something else? ~ It's about not being in control of my own wedding.
It's about having my wedding hijacked by Mr Moneybags and turned into a circus.
And you - you - going on and on and on at me! It would've been weird not to have accepted it! It wouldn't! It would not! It would've been ~ normal.
~ Gillian! Stop being a twat.
Sorry.
I know I should've done this sooner, but I thought we'd be setting off earlier.
~ I'll be two minutes, literally.
~ I'll pay.
~ No, Alan, it's my ~ No, it'll be quicker.
There is more to it than what I've said.
OK.
~ I shagged this bloke I work with.
~ When? ~ Ollie.
~ When? ~ At the supermarket.
Not at the supermarket.
~ In the back of his van.
~ So this is? ~ Four weeks ago.
~ Y'all right? ~ Why do men giggle? Cos it's silly.
What is? Sex.
Obviously, it shouldn't have happened.
But, obviously, it was cos of Robbie calling me a twat.
I just thought, "Right.
Fuck you, "that is going to have repercussions.
"Whether I like it or not, I know what I'm like, "THAT is going to have repercussions.
" ~ Was it just that once? ~ Yes.
~ Lashing out.
~ If you like.
~ And this Ollie lad, he's someone you've? Had shenanigans with before? Yeah, he's an old .
.
well, I say old - he's 24.
But, yeah.
Bit of an old pal, yeah.
~ Not, not, that, that ~ No.
Except, it's not like you're embarking on something new.
~ If it was just ~ No, no, no.
~ An old ~ Yes.
~ And that's how this lad, this? ~ Ollie.
~ Ollie - sees it? He's not likely to kick up a fuss? No.
God no! ~ Except he's, he'll be there.
~ To, to the? ~ I invited him.
~ Today? ~ Yeah, well, I'd sent out the invites, hadn't I? Before I ~ .
.
with him.
~ But he's not - not - not going to ~ say anything.
~ No.
No.
No.
~ I don't know.
~ Jesus! I doubt it! So is this something you want to tell Robbie about, ~ to get off your chest, before you? ~ No.
No.
I just needed to tell someone else.
Right.
I know you think I'm a right old slapper.
No, I don't I don't think things like that, I think you're an adult.
People are what they are.
I don't like feeling trapped, owned.
Chattel ated.
~ That's not a word.
~ No.
~ But you know what I mean.
~ Yeah.
I think you've got to shoulder the burden.
The guilt, whatever.
Put it all behind you.
Tell yourself it happened, it won't happen again, and move forward.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where are you? We've just had to stop and put a drop of petrol in the Jeep.
We'd have thought you'd have been here by now.
We were delayed leaving the house.
Why? ~ Well ~ Where are you? Sowerby Bridge.
You'll be another 20 minutes from Sowerby Bridge.
~ At least.
~ I think we'll be all right, if she puts her foot down.
Why were you delayed? Oh, she was in the bathroom.
~ Delayed? ~ They're in Sowerby Bridge.
They've just stopped to get some petrol.
Gillian was delayed in the bathroom.
Listen, Alan, don't go racing.
Tell Caroline.
For the sake of five minutes, you can be fashionably late.
None of us lot here are going anywhere.
Nobody will mind.
OK.
You want to get yersen a drink, Ollie.
It looks like kick off's going to be delayed.
And everyone's here.
More or less, I think.
Gary's here.
~ Is he? ~ And Felicity and the girls.
Right.
I hope you're going to be civil to him.
It wasn't - it wasn't - it wasn't OK, it wasn't just, uh, Ollie.
OK.
Well, what else? John.
John.
It was John.
~ And that was your fault.
~ My fault? ~ Indirectly.
~ Oh, I'm dying to hear this.
It was when he thought you were shagging Greg! ~ Who thought I was shagging Greg? ~ He did! John did! ~ When? When he moved in.
At your house.
Greg, when Greg moved in! ~ John did?! ~ Yes.
~ John did?! ~ Me dad! Shut up! If he stays out of my way, I'll stay out of his.
Well, that's hardly civil, is it? You need to put your foot down.
Well, it's the best he's going to get.
Well, I think it's a shame.
Course it's a shame.
It's a shame he's the insensitive, self-centred sod he is, ~ but there we are.
~ You see.
I think you need to get over it and move on.
~ What? What do I see? ~ I am over it, I have moved on.
No, you haven't.
You're still angry.
It's because of this Gary business that we've ended up with this bloody silly big do ~ that I never wanted.
~ Are you still there? And I've got to go to Majorca for two weeks! ~ Life's just full of crap, isn't it? ~ Alan? I'm going to have to go now, Celia.
We'll be with you shortly.
~ Don't race, tell her.
~ Yeah, yeah, whatever.
~ Bye.
~ Ta-ta.
~ What are you talking about? ~ Who? ~ You.
This Gary business.
~ You and Gary, falling out! It's the only reason I'm in this mess.
And, you know, the irony is it was me that rang you up and told you about this stupid article in t'Courier in the first place.
Wish I'd never said owt.
You'd never have seen it! You were in Harrogate! ~ Well, what's that got to do with this? ~ We're going around in circles.
Gillian, do you want me to turn around and go back? ~ Eh, eh.
Does she hell as like! ~ Oh, you see, this is it! I'm not allowed to have my own response to anything! Of course you are.
Don't be so stupid.
It were YOU that wanted this big do.
No! Oh! Oh, shit! Look, if you don't want to go, just say so.
I'll turn around and we'll go back.
I'll ring someone.
My mum, and ask to speak to Robbie's best man.
What's he called? Dave? ~ And he can break it to him gently, all right? ~ Are you serious? I think personally, it wouldn't be a great thing to do to Robbie at this stage, ~ but if that is what you want ~ You never wanted me to marry him! You can't keep saying that, not now! ~ Who didn't want you to marry him? ~ She didn't! Caroline didn't! ~ Didn't she? ~ Why? Just with Gillian having been married to Eddie and all the trouble in the past.
That's just, you know ~ That's all.
~ Oh.
Well, aye.
~ What were you saying about John? ~ John?! What about John?! I went up to the farm.
There was no-one there.
Then I found Harry wandering about with a baby and he said you work here now.
~ The farm? You nutter.
Robbie could have been there.
~ So? ~ I thought we said you weren't going to visit me again.
~ I know, but I don't know.
~ Couldn't think of anyone else, really.
~ Anyone else for what? To talk to.
~ What's up? ~ Do you get a break? Um ~ What are you doing here? ~ Hi, Gillian.
~ Is this fella bothering you? ~ No.
You're all right.
I can handle him.
I knock off at six.
~ A fella? ~ Greg.
He's the baby's father.
I don't think they're I don't think .
.
they sleep in the same bedroom or anything.
Well, they don't.
I know they don't.
Lawrence told me.
But he's there.
He's in MY house with MY son and MY wife .
.
and it's appalling.
He's actually moved in?! They did a trial.
And I thought, yeah, whatever, that won't last.
He won't be able to stand that for more than five minutes, but they love him.
Lawrence loves him, Caroline loves him, Celia loves him.
It's all so I didn't mind, with Kate.
Kate was You know.
She was She was all right.
Really.
But this tosser ~ Who is he? ~ Well, if he's the baby's father ~ Yeah, but, you know "What" is he? He could be anything.
My God, they Maybe they are having sex.
I don't know.
Is this the bloke they fell out about when Kate went off and got pregnant? ~ Yeah.
I suppose it must be.
~ I thought she couldn't stand him.
~ Caroline.
~ Yeah.
Well, she seems very fond of him now.
Well, she will be, if it means she's been able to get back to work.
He's such a He's so .
.
gauche.
He wears flip-flops.
~ Jesus.
~ In my house.
I thought they'd bought you out.
The lesbians.
Yes, but one still has an attachment, obviously.
To the old place.
I offered to do that.
~ I offered to move back in and help out with the baby.
~ Did you? ~ Yes.
But course, she turns me down.
She'd rather have him.
This bloke in flip-flops, who allegedly she can't stand.
Why? I asked her if there was an argument for me and her getting back together.
~ Ah ~ And she didn't ~ So you weren't just ~ No.
.
.
offering to look after the baby.
~ I thought it would be good for Lawrence ~ Obviously.
~ .
.
seeing his parents ~ Yeah.
~ .
.
get back together, but ~ Mm.
And none of it should have happened.
That's the tragedy.
Bloody Judith! I didn't know she was an alcoholic.
Not when it started.
And then when I realised, it was too late.
Caroline had found out.
Isn't it odd how one ridiculous mistake can change so much? I've got an idea.
Mm, but, Simon, I have to say, I think he'd be more interesting if we had more of a tribal thing going on, like some sort of Aztecy name, like, um Baron Nahuatl, or something like Mixocolpec.
Or Quetzalcoatl.
Oh, the door.
If it was more a sort of Leia - Han Solo thing, you know? "I love you.
" "I know.
" And then he goes off and sacrifices himself.
~ Hi.
~ I'm just Simon, can I give you a ring back? Terrific.
Will do.
~ In a bit.
Ta-ta.
John.
~ Greg.
How are things? ~ Good, good, good ~ Just thought I'd Oh, she's at work, bossing everyone around.
I shouldn't say that.
Slapped wrist.
~ Yeah, I know, but she can be a bit ~ But we love her.
I, um I came to see you, actually.
~ Oh, OK.
~ Sorry, were you? ~ Oh, it's Simon.
He's my partner.
My work partner, not my I'm not Not that Neither is he.
Not that it would matter if we were.
Either of us.
Although I don't think I'd fancy him, even if I was.
Or vice versa.
But no, he writes the scripts and I do the illustrations.
Wow.
Yeah, we're very collaborative, um I tell him what I think.
He ignores me! It works quite well! Come through.
What am I saying? It's your house.
Well, it was.
See? Can't open my mouth without putting my foot in it.
I think I've had too much caffeine.
That's the danger.
You get so involved, you don't always realise how many cafetieres you've got through.
Look, Flora.
Look who it is! It's Uncle John! Although, you're kind of her half-stepdad.
If Lawrence is her stepbrother.
Are you? Aren't you? I don't know.
Can you do that? Can you have a dad and a half-stepdad? Probably not.
Because you and Caroline are divorced, so I don't know what I'm talking about.
I've brought lunch! You're kidding me! So he insinuated himself.
They'd been having lunch together and trips out with Flora and all sorts for a week or two before you twigged on, apparently.
~ What are you doing here? ~ Oh, Greg asked me.
I was passing and he had to go to a meeting.
~ In Manchester.
And he was going to take Flora ~ Greg did? To Manchester? ~ He never told me.
~ No, that's the thing.
He forgot.
So I said, "Look, why don't I look after Flora for a few hours?" And he thought you'd be fine with that.
And you just happened to be passing? Yeah.
And she's fine.
She's absolutely fine.
We went to the park and looked at the geese and we had a conversation about Derrida and Deconstructionism and Yes! Yes, we did! I made a lasagne.
It's in the oven.
And there's some salad and a couple of bottles of wine.
That is so Wow! That bit, when they finally catch up with Vex and he tells them the plan and they're like, "When are you going to do it?" And he says, "I already have," and then all the bombs go off.
That took ages.
That whole attack on Flashpoint City.
~ It's like the biggest ~ Isn't that like Watchmen? In the inversion on the villain monologuing cliche, where it turns out they've already done it.
~ It's Have you read Watchmen? ~ When did you read Watchmen? When it came out in the '80s.
~ Well, yeah.
That's what we were going for.
~ Beautiful.
Beautiful illustrations.
Are you going travelling, Caroline? Oh, I was thinking later in the summer, when Mum and Alan go off to Australia.
I wondered about taking Flora over to New York to see Ginika.
Ooh, aeroplanes! Hey, it's half-past six.
Three days in a row.
No colic.
He just wanted to be part of your life again, so it was like, if you can't beat Greg, join him and prove how invaluable you are.
OK.
That's mad.
But what's it got to do with all this, now? You shilly-shallying about turning up at the wedding.
~ I thought you meant you'd ~ Yeah.
Well, just after that, that was when the thing happened.
What thing? Well OK Shit! ~ Idiot! Did you see that? ~ Jerk! You tosser! Oh, hang on Is summat up? ~ Oh, God! ~ That's all we need! We can only be ten minutes from the hotel.
We just need to ring someone up to come and fetch us.
~ No signal.
~ No, neither have I.
We should have gone through Halifax instead of coming over the tops.
Yeah.
OK.
Well ~ This is a sign.
~ What is? ~ From God.
That I shouldn't turn up.
~ Oh! I think between us, we can change a wheel in ten minutes.
They're expecting us to be a little bit late anyway, aren't they? ~ That's true.
~ So He's not changing a wheel.
You're not changing a wheel.
You've got a heart condition.
~ Well, where's the manual? I can read instructions.
~ The glove compartment.
You realise we're going to get covered in cack and goo and grease and general shite? Yup.
But we're not just standing here.
They'll all start crying.
Would you like some champagne? Cheese.
Oh, fascinating.
Yup.
I'm Gillian's stepmother.
Cool.
Cool.
So, you've only known her a few months, then? ~ Since she's been working at Pattersons? ~ No.
No Me and Gillian go way back.
Oh, do you? In what capacity? So, what's this thing then, that happened? It's wonderful.
Well, potentially, it's wonderful.
You see I don't know Even though she has come out of the closet, I don't know that she wouldn't, you know I mean, we were married for 18 years.
We had sex for 18 years.
She can't I mean She must be bisexual.
Really.
Mustn't she? So, if she can see that I'm there, I'm around, I'm part of the team, part of the gang You know, who knows? Eventually, she might, you know, think actually, he's all right.
I mean, she married me once.
Why is it too optimistic to imagine she might want to do it again? ~ You all right? ~ Yeah.
No, you're not.
What's the matter? Well ~ What? ~ You know ~ You, going on about her, like ~ Like? You used to come over to see me.
Now, you come over just to go on about her.
I thought you didn't You weren't interested in me any more.
I thought we were just friends.
I don't know if me marrying Robbie is the right thing.
Why? Just me.
I sometimes think, you know, that day When you both proposed to me.
I sometimes I don't know.
What? Well, I wonder if I chose Chose the Chose the wrong person.
I mean, I know you're a bit of a one and that Robbie's probably very good for me.
But I don't know if that's enough.
I mean, I think sometimes you need a bit of madness in your life.
~ Ow! Ow! Ow! ~ Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Quick I knew it was a mistake before anything even happened.
But it was why I wanted to do it in the first place that haunts me.
So, his plan was thinking that I'd have him back? Oh I think it still is, cos obviously, after that, ~ I had to send him packing again.
~ That is SO misguided! ~ Mm.
So, hang on So, you've shagged Ollie and John in the last? It was more of a fumble with John.
~ The logistics were a bit ~ OK.
~ But, yeah.
~ OK, this is impossible.
Is it? You see, they screw them on in the factory with a pneumatic thingy You need to stand on the lever.
~ Shift over, I'll do it.
~ No! We're keeping you clean! ~ Stand on it? ~ Yeah.
Yeah, then you've got your whole weight.
Then, you need to jump up and down a bit.
That's it.
Is it shifting? Yeah.
Shit! Oh! It's worked! It's worked, look! There's just the other four to loosen now.
Oh, shit! You're doing REALLY well.
I get covered in crap every day, as a matter of course, and it's not that bad.
Honestly.
It's just horse shit, that.
It's nice.
It's friendly.
It's good for you.
They're not carnivorous, so, you know could be worse.
It's just grass.
It's It's grass and bacteria, really.
You're a chemist.
Oh, no! ~ OK, let me ~ No, no! You stand back.
One of us is going to get there looking decent and obviously, ~ it isn't going to be me.
~ Are you all right? ~ She's fine.
One day, we'll look back at this and laugh.
Or not.
Possibly.
Were those shoes very expensive? You don't think it's going to rain, do you? None of them's answering their phones.
~ They must be stuck in traffic.
~ But it's ten past It's past ten past 11.
~ We knew they might be a bit late, though, didn't we? ~ Did we? You're surely not worried she's changed her mind? I wouldn't put it past her.
~ Don't be daft! ~ Are you drinking too much, Robbie? I just want to get on with it, Celia.
I've got a banging headache.
Well, Robbie, brandy's not going to cure that.
She'd better not have changed her mind cos, you know, ~ two can play at that game! ~ Can they? ~ So, is it true? ~ Who told you that? Little thingy over there with the baby.
Ellie.
Ah, OK.
You paid Harry's costs.
~ Well ~ £46,000.
Does it matter? You don't know these people.
~ God! You've spent ten grand on this! ~ I felt sorry for him AND I thought it might make Alan a little bit more, you know ~ A little bit less ill disposed towards me.
~ And did it? ~ No.
He accused me of trying to suck up to his friends.
You had better not tell my father that you've undermined his authority! No, I'm going to tell your father anything I like.
It's my money.
Yeah, sorry, Richard.
I paid this 75-year-old man's costs for him because your ruling meant he wouldn't have a roof over his head! He damaged the lock.
People were inconvenienced for weeks.
He was drunk.
It was an accident! They're here.
Yeah, she had to change the wheel.
~ How did that happen? ~ Talk about being fashionably late! ~ I mean, I know it's a woman's prerogative ~ A puncture? Yeah, right up on the tops.
Above Wainstalls.
We couldn't get a signal.
I started to think that you'd changed your mind.
~ You've been drinking? ~ Hair of the dog.
~ Are you all right? ~ Yeah, I'm fine.
I changed a wheel.
It's no big deal.
What have you done with your shoe? I think we might need a few minutes to freshen ourselves up a bit.
Is there someone's bedroom or a bathroom we can use? This whole thing needs to have got started like 20 minutes since.
£10,000, they can hang on.
~ The registrar's got another do to get to.
~ Yes, well, I need a wee.
And some sympathy, actually, might not go amiss.
You're lucky we're here.
Caroline, come on.
There was something else.
What? It was weird.
What was? Yesterday.
Robbie, before he set off up here to his stag do.
I'll be off in the next few minutes.
I was just coming to say ta-ra.
Have fun.
Don't overdo it.
There was something I wanted to say.
To tell you before Before we Before tomorrow.
What? What? You know that night a couple of months ago, when you told me about our Eddie? That he used to knock you about.
Yeah.
Well .
.
I knew.
I knew he did.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I pretended that I didn't know, cos I did know.
Right.
I should have done something and I didn't because he was my brother.
And then when you told me, that night, I couldn't I pretended like I'd never known.
It was cowardly.
I was a coward.
And I'm sorry.
OK.
You see? That's why, when he died and I When you were arrested and questioned What? That's why I was convinced that you'd done something to him.
Because I knew what you were having to put up with.
And I feel like I'd been living with a lie, some kind of deceit, if I married you, knowing that and not saying anything.
So I've said it.
I knew I knew and I did nothing.
And I'm sorry.
I'm ashamed.
So, if If I had killed him .
.
would you have blamed me? I lived in terror, every day for years.
Terror for my life.
My sanity.
And with a child to look after in the middle of it all.
And there were times, and I know how much he loved Raff, but there were times when I lived in fear of what me might do to him.
~ He was ill.
~ He was mad.
That's what I meant.
So .
.
could you have blamed me .
.
if I had? No.
No.
But you didn't, did you? Thank God.
Because murder's murder, he said.
And that was it.
I said I was glad he told me.
And that was it.
Which is why I don't think I can go through with it.
It wasn't all that other stuff.
That was just excuses, rubbish.
You see, I've always imagined, in some mad, alternative universe that one day, I could tell him the truth and he would understand.
And he'd forgive me.
But now, I know that he never would.
Ever.
He's a copper.
It's how he thinks.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you that in the first place, before we set off.
That's why I couldn't come out the bathroom.
I couldn't say it, so I came out with all that other shit! Wow! Yeah.
But if you pulled out now, what reason would you give him? Ollie? John? Gary paying for everything, me being bull-dozed into stuff? Or I could say I was upset about what he'd told me.
That he knew Eddie knocked me about and he did nothing.
~ I don't know what to say.
~ I wish I'd listened to you.
It was wrong.
I should never have got involved with him.
You were right.
~ You were right.
~ I don't know what to say.
You've been a really good friend and I've just dumped a load of crap on you, as usual.
Don't worry about that.
It's fine.
It's what friends are for.
I just I don't know what to say.
On the other hand, he's such a nice man and he's had such a rubbish life.
He was orphaned, his brother got murdered Died.
And now How could I think of standing him up at the altar in front of all his friends? Wouldn't that be worse? Now? Now we've got this far? You know, you can always get divorced.
Afterwards.
Yeah.
I look ridiculous.
Yes, you do.
I, Gillian Alison Greenwood, take you, Robert Michael Greenwood, to be my husband.
Bucket.
Thanks.
To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No problem.
I do think it's flu.
Yeah, yeah.
~ It's not like I'm somebody who can't take a drink.
~ No.
To love and to cherish? To love and to cherish, till death us do part.
~ Hi.
~ Hello, lad.
~ Alan.
~ How do? ~ Nice to see you.
~ Is it? ~ How are things? ~ Oh, fair to middling.
~ Well, you got here, anyway.
So ~ Yeah, looks like it.
You look very dapper.
~ What does he want? ~ OK, I want I wanted to talk to you properly about what happened.
I wanted us to try and find a better way of dealing with things.
I'm just going to .
.
go see if Robbie's all right.
~ Really? ~ One thing I did want to say was I think that you might be right.
What you said about me wanting to lash out.
Maybe Maybe I did.
Maybe there was something in that.
I didn't think there was when you said it, but these things aren't always obvious, even to ourselves, you know, but .
.
you're right, I realised.
There are things I'm angry about.
And a lot of it probably is irrational.
But that doesn't always make it any easier to deal with.
Actually, it probably makes it harder cos you keep on finding yourself going round in these silly little circles.
And that's just That's stupid and irritating and annoying.
I'd like, for instance I keep wanting to say, didn't it ever occur to you to find out if my mother was pregnant before you just wrote her off? ~ I didn't just write her off! ~ And I know you didn't just write her off.
~ Probably wasn't like that at all.
~ I tried to find her! I stayed behind after five o'clock, went through all the filing cabinets, looking for her address, I asked questions, as well as I could, without rousing anyone's suspicions.
I felt terrible when she just disappeared! You see? I do know all that.
I can imagine all that.
But then, there are so many what ifs, whys, that haunt you and I'm not normally like that, I'm normally someone who can just get on, but it's been a shock.
And I'm sorry if I've not handled it very well.
Well, for what it's worth, I think you've both handled it very well, on the whole.
I mean, it was never going to be easy, was it? Maybe, when you get back from New Zealand and Australia, we could have lunch.
Together.
The three of us.
I'll leave you to it.
What do you think? I want nothing to do with him.
Oh.
This isn't like you, to be so pig-headed about something.
Yeah, well Happen it changes people, a thing like that.
I don't want to be constantly reminded by him about that regrettable part of my life.
No, I know, but to be fair, it isn't his fault, is it? ~ I do think he's trying.
~ Oh, yes.
He's very trying.
~ Give him another chance.
~ Why should I? ~ Kids are allowed to make mistakes.
~ He's not a kid! They're all our kids, aren't they, in one way or another? We're the oldest.
Shouldn't we try to be bigger about things? What, like you are with Caroline? I know I'm not perfect.
There's two more over there you've not met.
Matilda and Rowena.
Gary's girls.
Hm Right, here we go.
What? He wants to upgrade our flights to first-class.
As a gesture, to say sorry.
And I know you think he's flashy with his money, but I, for one, would like to say yes, as it's a bloody long way to Auckland.
I'm going to go home and get changed and come back.
There's no point hanging around looking like this.
I'm taking Flora, then Greg can relax and enjoy himself.
Thank you.
For today.
I'm sorry I'm such a ~ .
.
liability.
~ Never a dull moment, eh? How long are you going to be? Cos we've got a taxi picking us up at two.
Our flight's at 20 past five.
~ Really? ~ Yup.
~ Today? ~ Good planning, eh? ~ I thought you were going tomorrow.
~ No, no.
~ The sooner I can get away from this, the better.
~ OK.
Well have fun.
And you.
Both of you.
New York! ~ When are you going? ~ Monday.
~ Same day they fly off to Australia.
~ Wow! Aren't we all a bunch of jetsetters? OK.
Well, you have fun too and I'll see you when you get back.
I expect you will.
I'll ring you.
I'm just I'm coming back.
There's no point staying there.
Not looking like this.
And anyway, I just kept thinking about the day we got married.
It's all we had.
One day.
That one day and I spent most of it being angry with my mother.
Greg's been great.
I'm glad you persuaded me to ring him.
I kept meaning to tell you, I wouldn't be without her.
It's been tough But .
.
I love her.
I love her so much.
I love her more and more every day.
I couldn't imagine life without her, not now.
I just wish you were here to I wish you were here.
I've got to go.
I know.
Sorry, excuse me.
Hello.
Er, Celia says that you want to upgrade our flights and, well, that's very generous of you and, well, we'd like to say thank you and take you up on it.
Really?! And you're right.
We should have lunch when we get back.
We should try and find a way forward.
I'm I'm really pleased.
~ Right.
~ Right! What have you offered to pay for this time? I were wondering, when you get your results, before you go off to Leeds, perhaps we should get married.
You think Gary'll fork out for us? No! Well done.
Anything for you, Mrs Buttershaw.
~ You can't put a price on avoiding deep vein thrombosis.
~ No.
Three times he introduced me to people - "This is my dad".
This little old man managed to get his narrow boat wedged.
My dad has to make a decision.
~ You're getting married! ~ Can you live with someone, sleep with someone, knowing you ~ murdered his brother? ~ I think I've upset Gillian.
He thinks we haven't got two brass farthings to wipe our arses with.
I offered to pay for the wedding.
Dad, you're not going to believe this.
Morning! ~ Lovely morning for it! ~ Yes! Isn't it? ~ Morning! ~ That's nice.
A gay couple with a baby.
~ Who are they? ~ I've no idea.
What time are we leaving, Dad? Can you field that one? Gillian! ~ Hey, is this here straight? ~ You're lovely, Alan.
You're perfect.
~ What's she doing? ~ Give her another shout.
Gillian?! ~ We're going to be late.
~ Is she still in the bathroom? I've no idea.
Gillian?! Gillian? Gillian? What's up? I, um I can't do it.
You were right.
~ I can't marry him.
~ OK.
All right.
OK.
It's not, it's not, it's not because of that Eddie thing business, specifically.
It's all sorts, it's everything.
~ It's me dad.
~ Your dad? ~ It's our Raff.
~ How? ~ I didn't want a stupid big do.
I said that.
I kept saying that, and now here we are, ~ £10,000 later.
~ OK.
~ And what for? ~ OK.
~ Other people.
The only reason, the only reason I accepted this is because of all the arguing ~ after that stupid article in The Courier! ~ Mmm.
Guilt.
I accepted it.
A - because it was what everybody else wanted, and and B - I felt guilty.
~ Why didn't he come and talk to me? ~ It's not how he does things.
Instead of just going silent on me and not answering any phone calls? He doesn't make a fuss.
It's not his way.
~ It's embarrassing.
You've embarrassed him.
~ How? It's like saying, "Here's this little old fella who was "unfaithful to his wife all those years ago".
That isn't - that wasn't - that isn't what it was about at all! No, but it's implied.
It's fairly obvious what the story behind it is.
THAT is going to get read by everyone who knows him, everyone round here, and it's embarrassing.
You've humiliated him.
No, I haven't.
Fine.
You asked me why he seems to have stopped bothering with you.
Well, as far as I'm aware, that's what seems to be the answer.
Well, if anyone should be embarrassed, it's me.
Finding out that the man who I thought was my dad wasn't my dad.
Age 46! It's ME who's been humiliated and lied to and God knows what.
Well, yeah, obviously.
That's your perspective.
~ My perspective? ~ Yes! That's I'm not making light of it, obviously you're having it to deal with, but I didn't do the interview to embarrass him.
~ Nobody's ~ That isn't why I did it.
Yeah, nobody thinks that, that's not the point.
I did it because I wanted to CELEBRATE the fact that he's my dad.
I did it to EMBRACE the fact that he's my dad.
I don't want any of us to be embarrassed about it.
Well, that's very nice.
Obviously.
But, from his point of view, you can see, surely you can see, that you've pointed out, in public, that he was unfaithful to the woman he was married to.
~ My mother.
~ My granny.
I don't think that's how people will see it.
It's how he sees it.
Is this Celia? She's found an excuse to go all funny about it again and make him feel bad about things.
No! If anything, she's the one been trying to make out it's ~ not as bad as he thinks.
~ Really? ~ Yeah.
And I think me grandad's right about me going to university and getting a degree.
Not that I'm not grateful.
For the job.
Offer.
But I think .
.
on balance I'd rather stick to the original plan.
He keeps going up to my mum's plaque.
At the chapel.
~ Up Blackley, where we scattered her ashes.
~ Why? Because he feels guilty.
Look, Gary, no-one thinks you did it out of malice.
Well, maybe.
I dunno.
Maybe he SHOULD feel a little bit guilty.
Yeah, well, he does.
So ~ Should I apologise? ~ Well, you could try.
I'm sorry.
I AM sorry.
I don't know what else I can say.
~ So what was the big idea? ~ There wasn't one.
They came to interview me about the charity, the fundraising that we do, and I happened to mention you, and me, and the thing that's happened.
And, suddenly, the article ended up being more about you and me than about the charity.
You know what journalists are like! You're talking about one thing and they latch onto something else.
I don't think this is anywhere near as bad as you think it is.
Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Most people don't even read The Courier.
They wouldn't publish the thing if nobody read it! Of course people read it! People who know me read it.
People who knew Eileen read it.
It might only be a small handful of people, but they are still very much alive! ~ Most of 'em.
~ Did it not occur to you to talk to Alan about it, at least, before they published it? Yeah, and don't talk to me like I was born last week! You knew damned well what you were doing, talking to a journalist.
I know what it's about.
You're angry with me.
~ I'm not angry with you.
~ You're angry with me, because you think I should've done something to help your mum.
Well, if I'd known, I would've done, but I didn't! I didn't know about it, but that doesn't help you, because you're angry with me, as well, for not knowing.
For not knowing you existed.
So you want to lash out, and, though, you probably know that it's irrational, but that doesn't matter either, because all you want to do is humiliate me, I suspect.
Well, well done, you've succeeded.
Hm.
Well, um That's interesting.
It's rubbish, but it's interesting rubbish.
Perhaps I should go.
I think we should get on the internet, and get those tickets for Australia booked.
Now.
Today.
I think he touched a nerve.
Me dad.
I think Gary's motives with that newspaper article were a bit dubious.
So, they're not speaking to each other.
Our Raff's declined, thank God, Gary's very generous thank-you offer to stop him going to university and take him on full-time and train him to be something he's never expressed any interest in whatsoever.
Accountancy.
So That's how I end up in this .
.
fix.
Peace-keeping.
My wedding is a glorified peace-keeping operation.
OK.
So OK, so, I think, to begin with, it's not a fix.
If you stand back and look at it, it's, it's bigger than you wanted, yes.
But, actually, what is it? It's a few hours standing there, smiling and then it's all over! The chances are, I bet you anything, you'll get to the end of the day - earlier, sooner - once the formalities are over and done with, and you'll realise that, actually, you're having a great time.
Or at the very least it's just not that bad.
~ How're we doing? ~ What do you think? ~ Is it about something else? ~ No, no, no.
It'll be fine.
Come on, you don't want your dad ~ to think it's his fault.
~ Don't I? It's really normal to feel like this, at the last minute.
I bet you've got all sorts of daft misgivings buzzing around in your head, but you've just got to keep telling yourself that it's normal, yeah? OK? You didn't want me to marry him.
Yeah.
But we talked that through and you made the decision, didn't you? Hair of the dog.
~ Does that work? ~ I've never tried it.
I've no sympathy.
Yeah, Celia.
You keep saying.
~ Try it, see if it works.
~ What do you fancy? I'll get it.
What were you doing drinking till three o'clock this morning? It was a stag night.
~ I've got a banging headache.
~ What do you fancy then, lad? A brandy? A whisky? Doubles? Aye, go on.
I think it must be summat else.
I'm wondering if I'm coming down with flu.
~ Hello, Celia! ~ Hello! Robbie, you looking forward to Majorca? You'll love it! I've told Mariella, the housekeeper, just to stay out of your way.
That's that lanky streak of greasy shite I told you about that she insisted on inviting.
You have got the ring safe, haven't you? No, Robbie.
I've flogged it.
Hey.
Are you going to say "hiya" to Gary? Course I am.
I haven't fallen out with him.
And, just going back to the other thing, I'm not overly impressed with Robbie.
Well, you're the one that's marrying him! It'll all be fine when we get there.
We've had more f-king arguments about this wedding than anything I can ever remember.
You see, I just think that's really normal, too.
Yeah? Do you? Gillian.
It's agreed, we've accepted it! Yeah, because of me dad falling out with him, and then our Raff deciding he's not taking him up on his stupid job offer! It's booked, it's paid for! We've sent out the invitations! We've - you've been happily choosing all the stuff you want.
Flowers, menu, decor.
Only because people have kept ringing up and asking bloody questions! You're being - you are being irrational.
Just relax.
Just enjoy it, for God's sake! Just go with the flow! ~ Is this about something else? ~ It's about not being in control of my own wedding.
It's about having my wedding hijacked by Mr Moneybags and turned into a circus.
And you - you - going on and on and on at me! It would've been weird not to have accepted it! It wouldn't! It would not! It would've been ~ normal.
~ Gillian! Stop being a twat.
Sorry.
I know I should've done this sooner, but I thought we'd be setting off earlier.
~ I'll be two minutes, literally.
~ I'll pay.
~ No, Alan, it's my ~ No, it'll be quicker.
There is more to it than what I've said.
OK.
~ I shagged this bloke I work with.
~ When? ~ Ollie.
~ When? ~ At the supermarket.
Not at the supermarket.
~ In the back of his van.
~ So this is? ~ Four weeks ago.
~ Y'all right? ~ Why do men giggle? Cos it's silly.
What is? Sex.
Obviously, it shouldn't have happened.
But, obviously, it was cos of Robbie calling me a twat.
I just thought, "Right.
Fuck you, "that is going to have repercussions.
"Whether I like it or not, I know what I'm like, "THAT is going to have repercussions.
" ~ Was it just that once? ~ Yes.
~ Lashing out.
~ If you like.
~ And this Ollie lad, he's someone you've? Had shenanigans with before? Yeah, he's an old .
.
well, I say old - he's 24.
But, yeah.
Bit of an old pal, yeah.
~ Not, not, that, that ~ No.
Except, it's not like you're embarking on something new.
~ If it was just ~ No, no, no.
~ An old ~ Yes.
~ And that's how this lad, this? ~ Ollie.
~ Ollie - sees it? He's not likely to kick up a fuss? No.
God no! ~ Except he's, he'll be there.
~ To, to the? ~ I invited him.
~ Today? ~ Yeah, well, I'd sent out the invites, hadn't I? Before I ~ .
.
with him.
~ But he's not - not - not going to ~ say anything.
~ No.
No.
No.
~ I don't know.
~ Jesus! I doubt it! So is this something you want to tell Robbie about, ~ to get off your chest, before you? ~ No.
No.
I just needed to tell someone else.
Right.
I know you think I'm a right old slapper.
No, I don't I don't think things like that, I think you're an adult.
People are what they are.
I don't like feeling trapped, owned.
Chattel ated.
~ That's not a word.
~ No.
~ But you know what I mean.
~ Yeah.
I think you've got to shoulder the burden.
The guilt, whatever.
Put it all behind you.
Tell yourself it happened, it won't happen again, and move forward.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where are you? We've just had to stop and put a drop of petrol in the Jeep.
We'd have thought you'd have been here by now.
We were delayed leaving the house.
Why? ~ Well ~ Where are you? Sowerby Bridge.
You'll be another 20 minutes from Sowerby Bridge.
~ At least.
~ I think we'll be all right, if she puts her foot down.
Why were you delayed? Oh, she was in the bathroom.
~ Delayed? ~ They're in Sowerby Bridge.
They've just stopped to get some petrol.
Gillian was delayed in the bathroom.
Listen, Alan, don't go racing.
Tell Caroline.
For the sake of five minutes, you can be fashionably late.
None of us lot here are going anywhere.
Nobody will mind.
OK.
You want to get yersen a drink, Ollie.
It looks like kick off's going to be delayed.
And everyone's here.
More or less, I think.
Gary's here.
~ Is he? ~ And Felicity and the girls.
Right.
I hope you're going to be civil to him.
It wasn't - it wasn't - it wasn't OK, it wasn't just, uh, Ollie.
OK.
Well, what else? John.
John.
It was John.
~ And that was your fault.
~ My fault? ~ Indirectly.
~ Oh, I'm dying to hear this.
It was when he thought you were shagging Greg! ~ Who thought I was shagging Greg? ~ He did! John did! ~ When? When he moved in.
At your house.
Greg, when Greg moved in! ~ John did?! ~ Yes.
~ John did?! ~ Me dad! Shut up! If he stays out of my way, I'll stay out of his.
Well, that's hardly civil, is it? You need to put your foot down.
Well, it's the best he's going to get.
Well, I think it's a shame.
Course it's a shame.
It's a shame he's the insensitive, self-centred sod he is, ~ but there we are.
~ You see.
I think you need to get over it and move on.
~ What? What do I see? ~ I am over it, I have moved on.
No, you haven't.
You're still angry.
It's because of this Gary business that we've ended up with this bloody silly big do ~ that I never wanted.
~ Are you still there? And I've got to go to Majorca for two weeks! ~ Life's just full of crap, isn't it? ~ Alan? I'm going to have to go now, Celia.
We'll be with you shortly.
~ Don't race, tell her.
~ Yeah, yeah, whatever.
~ Bye.
~ Ta-ta.
~ What are you talking about? ~ Who? ~ You.
This Gary business.
~ You and Gary, falling out! It's the only reason I'm in this mess.
And, you know, the irony is it was me that rang you up and told you about this stupid article in t'Courier in the first place.
Wish I'd never said owt.
You'd never have seen it! You were in Harrogate! ~ Well, what's that got to do with this? ~ We're going around in circles.
Gillian, do you want me to turn around and go back? ~ Eh, eh.
Does she hell as like! ~ Oh, you see, this is it! I'm not allowed to have my own response to anything! Of course you are.
Don't be so stupid.
It were YOU that wanted this big do.
No! Oh! Oh, shit! Look, if you don't want to go, just say so.
I'll turn around and we'll go back.
I'll ring someone.
My mum, and ask to speak to Robbie's best man.
What's he called? Dave? ~ And he can break it to him gently, all right? ~ Are you serious? I think personally, it wouldn't be a great thing to do to Robbie at this stage, ~ but if that is what you want ~ You never wanted me to marry him! You can't keep saying that, not now! ~ Who didn't want you to marry him? ~ She didn't! Caroline didn't! ~ Didn't she? ~ Why? Just with Gillian having been married to Eddie and all the trouble in the past.
That's just, you know ~ That's all.
~ Oh.
Well, aye.
~ What were you saying about John? ~ John?! What about John?! I went up to the farm.
There was no-one there.
Then I found Harry wandering about with a baby and he said you work here now.
~ The farm? You nutter.
Robbie could have been there.
~ So? ~ I thought we said you weren't going to visit me again.
~ I know, but I don't know.
~ Couldn't think of anyone else, really.
~ Anyone else for what? To talk to.
~ What's up? ~ Do you get a break? Um ~ What are you doing here? ~ Hi, Gillian.
~ Is this fella bothering you? ~ No.
You're all right.
I can handle him.
I knock off at six.
~ A fella? ~ Greg.
He's the baby's father.
I don't think they're I don't think .
.
they sleep in the same bedroom or anything.
Well, they don't.
I know they don't.
Lawrence told me.
But he's there.
He's in MY house with MY son and MY wife .
.
and it's appalling.
He's actually moved in?! They did a trial.
And I thought, yeah, whatever, that won't last.
He won't be able to stand that for more than five minutes, but they love him.
Lawrence loves him, Caroline loves him, Celia loves him.
It's all so I didn't mind, with Kate.
Kate was You know.
She was She was all right.
Really.
But this tosser ~ Who is he? ~ Well, if he's the baby's father ~ Yeah, but, you know "What" is he? He could be anything.
My God, they Maybe they are having sex.
I don't know.
Is this the bloke they fell out about when Kate went off and got pregnant? ~ Yeah.
I suppose it must be.
~ I thought she couldn't stand him.
~ Caroline.
~ Yeah.
Well, she seems very fond of him now.
Well, she will be, if it means she's been able to get back to work.
He's such a He's so .
.
gauche.
He wears flip-flops.
~ Jesus.
~ In my house.
I thought they'd bought you out.
The lesbians.
Yes, but one still has an attachment, obviously.
To the old place.
I offered to do that.
~ I offered to move back in and help out with the baby.
~ Did you? ~ Yes.
But course, she turns me down.
She'd rather have him.
This bloke in flip-flops, who allegedly she can't stand.
Why? I asked her if there was an argument for me and her getting back together.
~ Ah ~ And she didn't ~ So you weren't just ~ No.
.
.
offering to look after the baby.
~ I thought it would be good for Lawrence ~ Obviously.
~ .
.
seeing his parents ~ Yeah.
~ .
.
get back together, but ~ Mm.
And none of it should have happened.
That's the tragedy.
Bloody Judith! I didn't know she was an alcoholic.
Not when it started.
And then when I realised, it was too late.
Caroline had found out.
Isn't it odd how one ridiculous mistake can change so much? I've got an idea.
Mm, but, Simon, I have to say, I think he'd be more interesting if we had more of a tribal thing going on, like some sort of Aztecy name, like, um Baron Nahuatl, or something like Mixocolpec.
Or Quetzalcoatl.
Oh, the door.
If it was more a sort of Leia - Han Solo thing, you know? "I love you.
" "I know.
" And then he goes off and sacrifices himself.
~ Hi.
~ I'm just Simon, can I give you a ring back? Terrific.
Will do.
~ In a bit.
Ta-ta.
John.
~ Greg.
How are things? ~ Good, good, good ~ Just thought I'd Oh, she's at work, bossing everyone around.
I shouldn't say that.
Slapped wrist.
~ Yeah, I know, but she can be a bit ~ But we love her.
I, um I came to see you, actually.
~ Oh, OK.
~ Sorry, were you? ~ Oh, it's Simon.
He's my partner.
My work partner, not my I'm not Not that Neither is he.
Not that it would matter if we were.
Either of us.
Although I don't think I'd fancy him, even if I was.
Or vice versa.
But no, he writes the scripts and I do the illustrations.
Wow.
Yeah, we're very collaborative, um I tell him what I think.
He ignores me! It works quite well! Come through.
What am I saying? It's your house.
Well, it was.
See? Can't open my mouth without putting my foot in it.
I think I've had too much caffeine.
That's the danger.
You get so involved, you don't always realise how many cafetieres you've got through.
Look, Flora.
Look who it is! It's Uncle John! Although, you're kind of her half-stepdad.
If Lawrence is her stepbrother.
Are you? Aren't you? I don't know.
Can you do that? Can you have a dad and a half-stepdad? Probably not.
Because you and Caroline are divorced, so I don't know what I'm talking about.
I've brought lunch! You're kidding me! So he insinuated himself.
They'd been having lunch together and trips out with Flora and all sorts for a week or two before you twigged on, apparently.
~ What are you doing here? ~ Oh, Greg asked me.
I was passing and he had to go to a meeting.
~ In Manchester.
And he was going to take Flora ~ Greg did? To Manchester? ~ He never told me.
~ No, that's the thing.
He forgot.
So I said, "Look, why don't I look after Flora for a few hours?" And he thought you'd be fine with that.
And you just happened to be passing? Yeah.
And she's fine.
She's absolutely fine.
We went to the park and looked at the geese and we had a conversation about Derrida and Deconstructionism and Yes! Yes, we did! I made a lasagne.
It's in the oven.
And there's some salad and a couple of bottles of wine.
That is so Wow! That bit, when they finally catch up with Vex and he tells them the plan and they're like, "When are you going to do it?" And he says, "I already have," and then all the bombs go off.
That took ages.
That whole attack on Flashpoint City.
~ It's like the biggest ~ Isn't that like Watchmen? In the inversion on the villain monologuing cliche, where it turns out they've already done it.
~ It's Have you read Watchmen? ~ When did you read Watchmen? When it came out in the '80s.
~ Well, yeah.
That's what we were going for.
~ Beautiful.
Beautiful illustrations.
Are you going travelling, Caroline? Oh, I was thinking later in the summer, when Mum and Alan go off to Australia.
I wondered about taking Flora over to New York to see Ginika.
Ooh, aeroplanes! Hey, it's half-past six.
Three days in a row.
No colic.
He just wanted to be part of your life again, so it was like, if you can't beat Greg, join him and prove how invaluable you are.
OK.
That's mad.
But what's it got to do with all this, now? You shilly-shallying about turning up at the wedding.
~ I thought you meant you'd ~ Yeah.
Well, just after that, that was when the thing happened.
What thing? Well OK Shit! ~ Idiot! Did you see that? ~ Jerk! You tosser! Oh, hang on Is summat up? ~ Oh, God! ~ That's all we need! We can only be ten minutes from the hotel.
We just need to ring someone up to come and fetch us.
~ No signal.
~ No, neither have I.
We should have gone through Halifax instead of coming over the tops.
Yeah.
OK.
Well ~ This is a sign.
~ What is? ~ From God.
That I shouldn't turn up.
~ Oh! I think between us, we can change a wheel in ten minutes.
They're expecting us to be a little bit late anyway, aren't they? ~ That's true.
~ So He's not changing a wheel.
You're not changing a wheel.
You've got a heart condition.
~ Well, where's the manual? I can read instructions.
~ The glove compartment.
You realise we're going to get covered in cack and goo and grease and general shite? Yup.
But we're not just standing here.
They'll all start crying.
Would you like some champagne? Cheese.
Oh, fascinating.
Yup.
I'm Gillian's stepmother.
Cool.
Cool.
So, you've only known her a few months, then? ~ Since she's been working at Pattersons? ~ No.
No Me and Gillian go way back.
Oh, do you? In what capacity? So, what's this thing then, that happened? It's wonderful.
Well, potentially, it's wonderful.
You see I don't know Even though she has come out of the closet, I don't know that she wouldn't, you know I mean, we were married for 18 years.
We had sex for 18 years.
She can't I mean She must be bisexual.
Really.
Mustn't she? So, if she can see that I'm there, I'm around, I'm part of the team, part of the gang You know, who knows? Eventually, she might, you know, think actually, he's all right.
I mean, she married me once.
Why is it too optimistic to imagine she might want to do it again? ~ You all right? ~ Yeah.
No, you're not.
What's the matter? Well ~ What? ~ You know ~ You, going on about her, like ~ Like? You used to come over to see me.
Now, you come over just to go on about her.
I thought you didn't You weren't interested in me any more.
I thought we were just friends.
I don't know if me marrying Robbie is the right thing.
Why? Just me.
I sometimes think, you know, that day When you both proposed to me.
I sometimes I don't know.
What? Well, I wonder if I chose Chose the Chose the wrong person.
I mean, I know you're a bit of a one and that Robbie's probably very good for me.
But I don't know if that's enough.
I mean, I think sometimes you need a bit of madness in your life.
~ Ow! Ow! Ow! ~ Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Quick I knew it was a mistake before anything even happened.
But it was why I wanted to do it in the first place that haunts me.
So, his plan was thinking that I'd have him back? Oh I think it still is, cos obviously, after that, ~ I had to send him packing again.
~ That is SO misguided! ~ Mm.
So, hang on So, you've shagged Ollie and John in the last? It was more of a fumble with John.
~ The logistics were a bit ~ OK.
~ But, yeah.
~ OK, this is impossible.
Is it? You see, they screw them on in the factory with a pneumatic thingy You need to stand on the lever.
~ Shift over, I'll do it.
~ No! We're keeping you clean! ~ Stand on it? ~ Yeah.
Yeah, then you've got your whole weight.
Then, you need to jump up and down a bit.
That's it.
Is it shifting? Yeah.
Shit! Oh! It's worked! It's worked, look! There's just the other four to loosen now.
Oh, shit! You're doing REALLY well.
I get covered in crap every day, as a matter of course, and it's not that bad.
Honestly.
It's just horse shit, that.
It's nice.
It's friendly.
It's good for you.
They're not carnivorous, so, you know could be worse.
It's just grass.
It's It's grass and bacteria, really.
You're a chemist.
Oh, no! ~ OK, let me ~ No, no! You stand back.
One of us is going to get there looking decent and obviously, ~ it isn't going to be me.
~ Are you all right? ~ She's fine.
One day, we'll look back at this and laugh.
Or not.
Possibly.
Were those shoes very expensive? You don't think it's going to rain, do you? None of them's answering their phones.
~ They must be stuck in traffic.
~ But it's ten past It's past ten past 11.
~ We knew they might be a bit late, though, didn't we? ~ Did we? You're surely not worried she's changed her mind? I wouldn't put it past her.
~ Don't be daft! ~ Are you drinking too much, Robbie? I just want to get on with it, Celia.
I've got a banging headache.
Well, Robbie, brandy's not going to cure that.
She'd better not have changed her mind cos, you know, ~ two can play at that game! ~ Can they? ~ So, is it true? ~ Who told you that? Little thingy over there with the baby.
Ellie.
Ah, OK.
You paid Harry's costs.
~ Well ~ £46,000.
Does it matter? You don't know these people.
~ God! You've spent ten grand on this! ~ I felt sorry for him AND I thought it might make Alan a little bit more, you know ~ A little bit less ill disposed towards me.
~ And did it? ~ No.
He accused me of trying to suck up to his friends.
You had better not tell my father that you've undermined his authority! No, I'm going to tell your father anything I like.
It's my money.
Yeah, sorry, Richard.
I paid this 75-year-old man's costs for him because your ruling meant he wouldn't have a roof over his head! He damaged the lock.
People were inconvenienced for weeks.
He was drunk.
It was an accident! They're here.
Yeah, she had to change the wheel.
~ How did that happen? ~ Talk about being fashionably late! ~ I mean, I know it's a woman's prerogative ~ A puncture? Yeah, right up on the tops.
Above Wainstalls.
We couldn't get a signal.
I started to think that you'd changed your mind.
~ You've been drinking? ~ Hair of the dog.
~ Are you all right? ~ Yeah, I'm fine.
I changed a wheel.
It's no big deal.
What have you done with your shoe? I think we might need a few minutes to freshen ourselves up a bit.
Is there someone's bedroom or a bathroom we can use? This whole thing needs to have got started like 20 minutes since.
£10,000, they can hang on.
~ The registrar's got another do to get to.
~ Yes, well, I need a wee.
And some sympathy, actually, might not go amiss.
You're lucky we're here.
Caroline, come on.
There was something else.
What? It was weird.
What was? Yesterday.
Robbie, before he set off up here to his stag do.
I'll be off in the next few minutes.
I was just coming to say ta-ra.
Have fun.
Don't overdo it.
There was something I wanted to say.
To tell you before Before we Before tomorrow.
What? What? You know that night a couple of months ago, when you told me about our Eddie? That he used to knock you about.
Yeah.
Well .
.
I knew.
I knew he did.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I pretended that I didn't know, cos I did know.
Right.
I should have done something and I didn't because he was my brother.
And then when you told me, that night, I couldn't I pretended like I'd never known.
It was cowardly.
I was a coward.
And I'm sorry.
OK.
You see? That's why, when he died and I When you were arrested and questioned What? That's why I was convinced that you'd done something to him.
Because I knew what you were having to put up with.
And I feel like I'd been living with a lie, some kind of deceit, if I married you, knowing that and not saying anything.
So I've said it.
I knew I knew and I did nothing.
And I'm sorry.
I'm ashamed.
So, if If I had killed him .
.
would you have blamed me? I lived in terror, every day for years.
Terror for my life.
My sanity.
And with a child to look after in the middle of it all.
And there were times, and I know how much he loved Raff, but there were times when I lived in fear of what me might do to him.
~ He was ill.
~ He was mad.
That's what I meant.
So .
.
could you have blamed me .
.
if I had? No.
No.
But you didn't, did you? Thank God.
Because murder's murder, he said.
And that was it.
I said I was glad he told me.
And that was it.
Which is why I don't think I can go through with it.
It wasn't all that other stuff.
That was just excuses, rubbish.
You see, I've always imagined, in some mad, alternative universe that one day, I could tell him the truth and he would understand.
And he'd forgive me.
But now, I know that he never would.
Ever.
He's a copper.
It's how he thinks.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you that in the first place, before we set off.
That's why I couldn't come out the bathroom.
I couldn't say it, so I came out with all that other shit! Wow! Yeah.
But if you pulled out now, what reason would you give him? Ollie? John? Gary paying for everything, me being bull-dozed into stuff? Or I could say I was upset about what he'd told me.
That he knew Eddie knocked me about and he did nothing.
~ I don't know what to say.
~ I wish I'd listened to you.
It was wrong.
I should never have got involved with him.
You were right.
~ You were right.
~ I don't know what to say.
You've been a really good friend and I've just dumped a load of crap on you, as usual.
Don't worry about that.
It's fine.
It's what friends are for.
I just I don't know what to say.
On the other hand, he's such a nice man and he's had such a rubbish life.
He was orphaned, his brother got murdered Died.
And now How could I think of standing him up at the altar in front of all his friends? Wouldn't that be worse? Now? Now we've got this far? You know, you can always get divorced.
Afterwards.
Yeah.
I look ridiculous.
Yes, you do.
I, Gillian Alison Greenwood, take you, Robert Michael Greenwood, to be my husband.
Bucket.
Thanks.
To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No problem.
I do think it's flu.
Yeah, yeah.
~ It's not like I'm somebody who can't take a drink.
~ No.
To love and to cherish? To love and to cherish, till death us do part.
~ Hi.
~ Hello, lad.
~ Alan.
~ How do? ~ Nice to see you.
~ Is it? ~ How are things? ~ Oh, fair to middling.
~ Well, you got here, anyway.
So ~ Yeah, looks like it.
You look very dapper.
~ What does he want? ~ OK, I want I wanted to talk to you properly about what happened.
I wanted us to try and find a better way of dealing with things.
I'm just going to .
.
go see if Robbie's all right.
~ Really? ~ One thing I did want to say was I think that you might be right.
What you said about me wanting to lash out.
Maybe Maybe I did.
Maybe there was something in that.
I didn't think there was when you said it, but these things aren't always obvious, even to ourselves, you know, but .
.
you're right, I realised.
There are things I'm angry about.
And a lot of it probably is irrational.
But that doesn't always make it any easier to deal with.
Actually, it probably makes it harder cos you keep on finding yourself going round in these silly little circles.
And that's just That's stupid and irritating and annoying.
I'd like, for instance I keep wanting to say, didn't it ever occur to you to find out if my mother was pregnant before you just wrote her off? ~ I didn't just write her off! ~ And I know you didn't just write her off.
~ Probably wasn't like that at all.
~ I tried to find her! I stayed behind after five o'clock, went through all the filing cabinets, looking for her address, I asked questions, as well as I could, without rousing anyone's suspicions.
I felt terrible when she just disappeared! You see? I do know all that.
I can imagine all that.
But then, there are so many what ifs, whys, that haunt you and I'm not normally like that, I'm normally someone who can just get on, but it's been a shock.
And I'm sorry if I've not handled it very well.
Well, for what it's worth, I think you've both handled it very well, on the whole.
I mean, it was never going to be easy, was it? Maybe, when you get back from New Zealand and Australia, we could have lunch.
Together.
The three of us.
I'll leave you to it.
What do you think? I want nothing to do with him.
Oh.
This isn't like you, to be so pig-headed about something.
Yeah, well Happen it changes people, a thing like that.
I don't want to be constantly reminded by him about that regrettable part of my life.
No, I know, but to be fair, it isn't his fault, is it? ~ I do think he's trying.
~ Oh, yes.
He's very trying.
~ Give him another chance.
~ Why should I? ~ Kids are allowed to make mistakes.
~ He's not a kid! They're all our kids, aren't they, in one way or another? We're the oldest.
Shouldn't we try to be bigger about things? What, like you are with Caroline? I know I'm not perfect.
There's two more over there you've not met.
Matilda and Rowena.
Gary's girls.
Hm Right, here we go.
What? He wants to upgrade our flights to first-class.
As a gesture, to say sorry.
And I know you think he's flashy with his money, but I, for one, would like to say yes, as it's a bloody long way to Auckland.
I'm going to go home and get changed and come back.
There's no point hanging around looking like this.
I'm taking Flora, then Greg can relax and enjoy himself.
Thank you.
For today.
I'm sorry I'm such a ~ .
.
liability.
~ Never a dull moment, eh? How long are you going to be? Cos we've got a taxi picking us up at two.
Our flight's at 20 past five.
~ Really? ~ Yup.
~ Today? ~ Good planning, eh? ~ I thought you were going tomorrow.
~ No, no.
~ The sooner I can get away from this, the better.
~ OK.
Well have fun.
And you.
Both of you.
New York! ~ When are you going? ~ Monday.
~ Same day they fly off to Australia.
~ Wow! Aren't we all a bunch of jetsetters? OK.
Well, you have fun too and I'll see you when you get back.
I expect you will.
I'll ring you.
I'm just I'm coming back.
There's no point staying there.
Not looking like this.
And anyway, I just kept thinking about the day we got married.
It's all we had.
One day.
That one day and I spent most of it being angry with my mother.
Greg's been great.
I'm glad you persuaded me to ring him.
I kept meaning to tell you, I wouldn't be without her.
It's been tough But .
.
I love her.
I love her so much.
I love her more and more every day.
I couldn't imagine life without her, not now.
I just wish you were here to I wish you were here.
I've got to go.
I know.
Sorry, excuse me.
Hello.
Er, Celia says that you want to upgrade our flights and, well, that's very generous of you and, well, we'd like to say thank you and take you up on it.
Really?! And you're right.
We should have lunch when we get back.
We should try and find a way forward.
I'm I'm really pleased.
~ Right.
~ Right! What have you offered to pay for this time? I were wondering, when you get your results, before you go off to Leeds, perhaps we should get married.
You think Gary'll fork out for us? No! Well done.
Anything for you, Mrs Buttershaw.
~ You can't put a price on avoiding deep vein thrombosis.
~ No.