Letterkenny (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

You were havin' breakfast with your pals the other day.
Fuck were youse drunk last night.
You know, I can't stand it when you guys get really, really, really drunk.
- Wasn't s'bad.
- It was s'goddamn bad.
You get super annoying when you're really, really, really drunk.
Right, scary Dary? Please leave me alone.
Pushing your nipples against everyone all night? And what about you, madman Dan? Or should I say, Legend of the Wind? It's Squirrelly Dan, Miss Katy.
Challenging everyone to a foot race? Get real.
Please stop shouting at me, Miss Katy.
And let's not skim over Wayne the Pain.
WAYNE: Mind your own beeswax, Katy.
You have the most annoying fuckin' laugh on planet fuckin' Earth, when you get really, really, really, drunk.
Clean it up! There's a new addition to the Squirrelly Dan fam-damly.
I've seen that in the paper.
- What's the scoop there, big shooter? - Well, Samuel's - I fuckin' hate Samuel.
- He's a Big Brother's now.
Oh, I fuckin' hate Samuel so much.
Well, that's interesting, maybe make Samuel straighten up, fly right there.
- That's what I said.
- Youse did pot today, didn't ya's.
No.
'Cause youse are talkin' like youse did pot.
- Why? - Because that logic is Titanic on the ocean floor busted.
Why? Well, it's like when a celebrity gets all fucked up on snooters and such.
They think that the solution to sortin' themselves out is to get a puppy.
(CHUCKLES) What's wrong with a puppy? Well, I'm just sayin' doesn't it seem more appropriate to sort yourself out before bringing a beating heart into your own home, rather than relying on that beating heart to sort yourself out? Snooters and such.
Uh, hmm, I had my go with snooters and such.
Small town spawn snooters and such.
KATY: Degens do snooters and such.
- Over and out.
- I'd have to agree.
I think it's differents for Samuel's, he's just a six-years-old with a penchants for mischief.
Someone needs to hit that kid.
I thinks for a six-years-old introducing a little brother's into the mix might just be what he needs to inspires him to sort's himself out.
I have to agree.
It's like Samuel who's introducing a little brother to himself to sort himself out.
It's different than like a celebrity introducing a puppy to sort himself out after snooters and such.
And my cousin says the baby is very smart.
- Pump the brakes? - I'll soft pump.
What's the stupidest thing you ever heard in your life? I would like to say, but it's impolite to talk politics at the breakfast table.
I'd also likes to say but it's impolite to talk religions at the breakfast table.
Well, mine is neither politics or religion so I will say, the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life, is that a baby is smart.
Well, hold your horses there, big shoots.
My Aunt Nancy works at the nursery down at the hospitals and she says I was the smartest baby she ever did see.
Your Aunt Nancy said that I was destined for constant confusion.
Are you saying my Aunt Nancy is stupids for saying such things? I love your Aunt Nancy.
I owe her a great deal for my personal growth as a young man.
I even call her my Aunt Nancy.
Please tell her I said hello.
I will, good friend.
But what, see-suckin' so to speak, makes a baby smart? Well, she says I was always reachin' out for things in my surroundings.
And that made you a smart baby? - Allegedly's.
- Okay, Dan.
Okay, okay, Dan.
Okay, hold your thumb out.
I'm gonna be a baby.
Ehya.
Now what about that suggests I ought to be buildin' rocket ships for NASA in outer space? Your Aunt Nancy said that a baby who shows signs of excitement before it's able to verbally communicate is a sign of intelligence.
KATY: Aunt Nancy said signs of stimulation.
Well, 'cause that means that they're already getting excited about their surroundings.
KATY: A baby is stimulated by their surroundings.
Okay, Dary, okay.
Okay, Dary, yeah, okay.
Go wide-eyed stick your tongue out.
I'm gonna be a baby, okay? I'm gonna show you signs of excitement slash stimulation.
No but, Dary, like Like make the sound like you're doing it to a baby.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Ehya.
Now what about that suggests that I ought to be navigating unchartered neurological pathways in the brain? - I expose nothin'.
- Yeah, realistically.
Furthermore, in the midst of excitement slash stimulation, that razor sharp baby is likely to drop a shit in its pants.
Unable to control its own bodily functions but smart as a whip, Dan.
Imaginable's, but I wouldn't say likely's.
Hmm, it's possible.
Okay, Dan, okay.
Okay, Dary, Dary, okay.
Dan, hold your thumb out.
Dary, go wide-eyed, stick your tongue out, and coo like you're doing it to a baby.
I'm gonna be a baby, okay? (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (GRUNTS) (DARYL SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Clean it up! You suppose you could make the same argument for a dog, but at least you don't have to wipe a dog's poopy bum, do you? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta What is this butt-fuckery? Had a rowdy crowd in last night, boys.
Where the fuck from? GAIL: Up country.
BOTH: Degens.
Fuck! In degens.
Offered 'em sex in exchange for peace.
No takers, so it's safe to say they were gay degens.
Well, we'll just let you runs with that there, Gailer.
Look, we've all had a run-in with degens from up country.
But we figured out a solution.
All you have to do is employ the Ginger and Boots to be your bouncers.
Degens won't wanna a whiff of this place.
Choice idea, Daryl.
Also go ahead and change the name of my bar from MoDean's 2 to Ostrich Fuckers while I'm at it.
Crazier things have happened.
Besides I'm bringin' in my own bouncer.
Oh, is he single? You've had a busy winter, Miss Katy.
Get after it.
- Who's that? - My cousin Bradley.
ALL: Ah, Bradley! I fuckin' love Bradley.
I love Bradley so much! I'm one, I'd go as far as to say I love him, too.
I love his pecs.
Nobody loves Bradley more than Rosie.
Like, I'm not really one for, like, being touched or anything like that, but then like, he'll be huggin' you and her huggin' me, it'll be like a little bit different.
Like Well, like it's okay.
I'm his second-favorite cousin.
He's always saying, "God bless you.
" And, you know, I'm not really a religious guy's, but when he says it you feel good, like Like I can feel the warmth.
Rosie's his favorite cousin.
And he does the best impersonations, too.
Like so many of 'em.
Like he could do it professionally.
He could do me professionally.
Hey, can't forget about the low-bones.
Oh, youse can's never forget's about the low-bones.
I hope this is what I think it is.
What's low-bones? Well, low-bones is basically like if somebody's saying something, and you agree with them, that means give them low-bones.
You can also use low-bones to say hellos or good-byes.
Do you wanna know what? Here's what low-bones is, I can tell you what low-bones is.
Low-bones is when you hold your knuckles below your waist like this and bang knuckles with somebody.
Except don't look the person in the eye or in the knuckles when you bang knuckles with them.
Almost like you don't give a care.
And then you say somethin' positive under your breath upon bangin' of the knuckles.
Like, uh, "Hell yeah, fuck it.
" Or, uh "Yeah, man, you rock.
" Like, everybody get in here for a second.
Just pretend, like, I just got here and I'm gonna show you what low-bones are.
Hey, everyone, I just got here.
- You rock.
- Fuck yeah.
Yeah, but 'cept you gotta say it more under your breath than that.
Like, everybody get in here, pretend like I'm leaving.
Okay, guys, I'm gonna leave now.
(ALL MUMBLING) Something about the best part about Bradley is But we all know what the best part about Bradley is.
Bradley is a fuckin' killer.
Oh, like, Bradley will fuckin' kill you.
Like, Bradley knows his ways around a head-butts and that's for GD sure.
Not sure that's the best part about Bradley.
(BREATHING FAST) When does Bradley get here? Should be here any second.
Well, then we'll all wait here at the bar and greet him.
I love Bradley.
I love Bradley so much.
Do you wanna know what? I'd go as far as to say I love him, too.
- (PHONE BUZZING) KATY: (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) REILLY: Okay boys, it's the final game of the campaign.
Final chance for one W.
Sixty hard miles, boys.
Fore check, back check, pay check, boys.
Now, Joint Boy.
Tyson.
You guys may be what this team needs to finally come together.
- You guys might be the final piece.
- Ferda.
We've reserved the two toughest numbers in hockey for you.
Joint Boy, you'll be wearing number 28.
Domi, Godard, Stock.
Three of the toughest players wore number 28.
Don't forget Colton Orr.
Thanks, boys, it's an honor.
Pretend Boogaard wore it.
BOTH: That is a fuckin' honor.
Tyson.
You'll be wearing the toughest number worn by the toughest all-around player to ever lace 'em up.
Number nine.
- Gordie Howe, boys.
- Gordie mother fuckin' Howe, boys.
- Mr.
Hockey.
- REILLY: Mr.
Elbows.
Creator of the Gordie Howe Hat Trick, boys.
One geno, one apple, one tilly.
Thanks, boys.
BOTH: Greatest all round player in the history of the show, Mr.
Hockey.
SHORESY: Gretz is the best player in the history of the show.
Give your balls a tug.
(FARTS) Gretz is the best.
We didn't mean any disrespect to 99.
We said Gordie Howe was the best all-round player.
SHORESY: Gretz holds or shares 61 records in the show, you piece of shit.
Don't nickel and dime the Great One.
But Mr.
Hockey SHORESY: Suck my Mr.
Cockey, you fuckin' loser.
(FARTS) Hey, hey, hey.
There's more important things, like this team coming together.
You're right.
Fuck you, Shoresy.
SHORESY: Fuck you, Jonesy.
Tell your mom I drained the bank account she set up for me.
Top it up so I can get some fuckin' KFC.
- (SHORSEY FARTS) - Fuckin' .
.
Hey, there's more important things.
More important things.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you, Jonesy.
Your mom loves butt play like I love Haagen-Dazs.
Let's get some fuckin' ice cream.
- (SHORSEY FARTS) - Boys! We've come a long way.
Overcome adversity on our quest to finally come together as a team and get one W.
Bulldozed speed bumps, boys.
You're right, we've conquered.
For example, puck bunnies, you little bitch.
Yorkie? Chirping from the bench 101.
(CLAPS) Scholtzy.
Don't step on the logo.
Pussy.
Fisky.
Sweaters never touch the floor.
Boomtown.
Presenting my penis to my all-male teammates in hopes that they will accept me.
And then having my penis called "modest," with my all-male team further coming together as a result of seeing my penis.
That's the big picture.
- What? - Why do they talk like that? I wasn't finished! Boomtown! Keeping the big picture in mind, and despite all your honest opinions, which I do appreciate, you could have called my penis "the big picture.
" That would have been a thrill.
Boomtown.
Let's get this fuckin' W boys! (ALL YELL) It's the last game of the season, pheasants.
We'll get this W tonight, or I send one of these sailing with this bad boy on my foot! Think of the destruction! Think of the carnage! Think of the good men left behind.
SHORESY: (FARTS) Toilet was backed up so I had to shit in there, too, tit-fuckers.
I'm gonna get that plug, buddy.
We have to do something about that pilon, buddy.
How's that for motivation? SHORESY: Hey, Reilly, I made a oopsy, can you ask your mom to pick up Jonesy's mom on the way over to my place? I double booked them by mistake, you fuckin' loser.
(FARTS AND DEFECATES) That guy's a masterpiece.
So, this is Goodbye? Lyric from the Moby track Porcelain.
Roald.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Stewart.
Why don't we call it, adios.
Actually, I'd prefer if we don't call it that.
Long story, but this girl I kind of used to date used that word when she dumped me, and she broke my heart.
Then we'll call it sayonara.
Arrivederci, amore.
- Ciao.
- Shalom.
- Auf wiedersehen.
- (SOBBING) Roaldy.
Gae.
- Roald - Stewart This is what we've been working towards, remember? - We did it.
- (SNIVELS) I I like you.
You, you, you, and I don't want you, to go, oh, oh.
- Roald.
- Stewart Connor.
Darien.
(CRYING) Hysterics are fruitless.
Tears are valueless.
(GROANING) Pain Is inevitable.
(ALL CRYING) (CAR HORN HONKING) (SIGHS) That's my mom, she's such a twat.
Give me three good reasons why you fell you must rebel.
BOTH: I hate the world.
- BOTH: I hate my parents.
- (MOUTHING) BOTH: And I hate myself.
As you were.
Advertise your product or brand here (WAILING) No, no, no, no! I don't understand! (SIGHS) He's so close I can smell him.
I'm about to slide right off this chair, boys.
That libido works harder than soldiers stacking sandbags for a flood.
That's a Texas size 10-4, Gailer.
First the models.
Some talk around town about some business in Bonnie McMurray's hot tub.
Even heard something 'bout you and a couple of French dudes.
You've had a busy winter, you old goat.
I have had a busy winter But I mean, like French guys, am I right? (SPEAKING FRENCH) (DOOR OPENS) - Hello, hello.
- ALL: Bradley! Ha-ha! Oh, bless up! I can't believe I can't believe I haven't seen y'all in forever.
ALL: Chris Rock! Daryl, I see you over there.
- You want a hug, I see you.
- Uh huh.
I see you, looking' at me I want a hug, yeah, I want a hug.
Let's have a hug now, gimme a hug A hug, gimme a hug now.
ALL: Eddie Murphy! (CHUCKLES) You're so funny, Bradley.
We missed you so much, Bradley.
God bless you, boys.
- Thank you, Bradley.
- Thank you so much, Bradley.
What up, Katy? It's a slip and slide over here, boys.
And you, my second favorite cousin.
- What up, cousin? - What up, cousin? (GRUNTS) I got a Haitian taco recipe mom wanted me to pass along.
Yeah! I prayed for you after MoDean's burned down.
He listened.
Props to you and him for getting' this place back on its feet.
Thanks, cousin.
You know what we say.
Our lips to God's ears, right? Well, we don't actually ever say that, just you.
But you're a great guy, Bradley.
(GROANS) So good to see you guys.
- Hey, Bradley? - What's up? Can you, uh, can you do Do your Michael Jackson impression for me? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Uh, I haven't seen you all in so long.
I'm sorry.
I get emotional.
Tito, get me a tissue.
(ALL CHEERING) That was actually an Eddie Murphy-Michael Jackson hybrid.
It was a hybrid.
Oh, you're so funny, Bradley.
Oh, yes, you smell like sandalwood, Bradley.
Seriously.
Love.
That's what's up, that's what's up.
So, got a problem with the degens from up country? Yeah.
Always got a problem with degens from up country.
Lots of hard work dealing with degens from up country.
Degens are a problem in Letterkenny.
- Yes.
- Well, not no more.
Bradley's in town now.
- That's what's up.
- ALL: That's what's up.
Seriously, straight up, you guys are off-duty for the night.
Oh, I need a lifeguard on duty right now, boys.
Heard through the grapevine, you guys have been putting in OT with these degens.
Double OT.
- That's what's up.
- ALL: That's what's up.
That's what's up.
You've all got the night off.
Do you hear me? From this day forth I'm on degen duty for the foreseeable future.
ALL: Denzel Washington! Well, anything we could do to help, though, Bradley.
Oh, we'd loves to help you, Bradley.
Seriously, Bradley, anything we can do to help.
I want you guys to get out and relax and have a good time.
Enjoy yourselves and get really, really, really drunk.
- Oh, pump the brakes.
- Hey, I'll soft pump.
You sure you know what you're signing up for there, big shooter? I think they've earned it.
Little bit.
Little bit.
ALL: Oh, Robert De Niro.
Okay, but fair warning.
They get super annoying when they're really, really, really drunk.
I don't care, man! Gentlemen, you've kept watch of this town for long enough, man.
Tonight I want y'all to get out and have some fun, man.
And I will accept nothin' less than really, really, really, really, really, really really, really drunk.
- Get out! - ALL: Chris Tucker! (ALL CHEERING) BRADLEY: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Oh! Well, if it isn't my favorite cousin.
Waz up, cousin? - Hi, Bradley.
- Yeah.
Hey, Wayne, have you been, uh, taking good care of her, Wayne? Can confirm.
All right, God bless, that's what's up.
DAN/DARYL: (whispering) Okay man, you rock.
Gail? Who's that? Go over and see for yourself.
And where did you come from? - Glen? - Oh, hi, Katy.
Is Wayne here with you? Ooh, there he is, hi, Wayne! I love this, we're twins.
Uh, busy winter's over.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING) Is that fuckin' joker wearing number 99, bud? This is our chance to make it up to Gretz, bud.
Hey, 99, you fuckin' loser.
Are you fuckin' serious nines? How dare you wear that number, you piece of shit! That's the Great One's number, you fuckin' donkey.
Think you're Gretzky, you piece of shit? Gretz probably smashed your mom in the '80s, bud.
I'll get the white tape out and turn those double nines into double zeros.
You're a fucking nobody.
Fuckin' serious nines? When's Mess get here, bud, you're fuckin' hilarious.
When's McSorley get here, you fuckin' plug.
Suck my knob! (WHISTLE BLOWS) What a fucking piece of work, bud.
- Piece of shit.
- The fucking audacity.
(music) SHORESY: Look at that fuckin' masterpiece, boys.
PLAYER: I'd master that piece, boys.
SHORESY: Look at those legs go up and make a complete fuckin' ass out of themselves.
I'd wear that out, boys.
SHORESY: Holy fuck, would I love to get sticky with her.
Stick me right to her, boys.
Fuckin' Shoresy, buddy, I'm ready to pop.
Already starting to snap-crackle, buddy.
We gotta get focused, buddy.
BOTH: W's.
SHORESY: Who brought the fuckin' rocket, boys? Those billet sister's a fuckin' rocket boy.
SHORESY: But she looks cold.
I'll show her my warm front.
Hey, you look mad.
I'll give you a bone to pick.
Wait a second.
Tyson, make some room for us on the bench.
Joint Boy.
Beat the shit outta that guy.
SHORESY: Give your balls a tug, you tit.
That experiment worked wonderfully, buddy.
Worth their weight in gold, buddy.
Whew! I'm right on the edge, bud, but gotta stay focused.
I'm ready for a tilly, buddy.
- W's.
- W's.
(EXHALING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Who brought the fuckin' rocket, boys? Who's billet sister's a fuckin' rocket, boys? - Yup! - Yup.
- Yup.
- Yup.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) Oh, that was awesome, Bradley.
(CHUCKLES) Know what, Bradley? We should totally have a race.
You know what they used to call me in high school? - Wheels.
- Bradley, do Bill Cosby.
I would like to talk to you about Pudding Pops.
(LAUGHING) All right, that's enough.
You're so funny, Bradley.
Look how fast he goes.
(ALL LAUGH) Why don't you guys go play some Buckhunter.
I'll race you over to the Buckhunter machine.
I'll surprise you.
How does that sound? (WAYNE CONTINUES LAUGHING) (MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY OVER SPEAKERS) Anyone else feeling wayward? (HIGH-PITCHED) Stewart Lacking? Stewart.
Mislaid? (CRYING) Stew Stewart don't (SPEAKING FRENCH) We mustn't marinate in our own misery and misfortune.
We mustn't bask in our own bad luck and bitterness.
We mustn't soak in our own suffering and sorrow.
Gae wouldn't have wanted that.
But What would Gae do? WWGD.
Yeah.
Gae would do one more.
One more rampage.
One final flaunt for fuck you.
Roald.
Are you in? In, Stewart.
Connor, are you in? Darien? Are you in? Wondrous! Roald? ROALD: Stewart.
STEWART: How cold is it? ROALD: I'll check it out.
It's minus 24.
Bummer.
- ROALD: Stewart.
- This is a fool's errand.
What? Wasted labor.
- Thwarted? - Pointless.
It's really cold.
It wouldn't be any fun without Gae anyway.
She was an invigorment.
What do we do now? What we always do, Roald.
Copious amounts of hard drugs.
- (ALL WHOOPING) - That was fuckin' epic, boys! I can't believe they called the game, boys! Zero-zero for the good guys, boys! (WHOOPING) I'll take a good fight over a W any day, you little bitch! Yorkie.
Lay beats, fill seats.
Scholtzy.
A good brawl brings a team together.
Makes us one, pussy.
Fisky.
Proof we'd go to the wall for each other, boys.
That's brotherhood! Boomtown! Showing you all my penis was degrading and humiliating.
Had I known I could have just tossed the mitts to bring the team together, I would have chosen that route.
You're fuckin' weird, bud.
- Fuck is he a weirdo.
- (BELCHES) Boomtown.
But, the team came together.
And that's a fuckin' W, boys! (ALL YELLING) (DOOR CLOSES) I have never been less embarrassed in all my life.
They are fuckin' embarrassing! (ALL CHEERING) Jonesy, Reilly.
You have a visitor! What? Thanks, boys.
For what, Katy-Kat? For the what, Katy-Kat? For sticking up for me.
(BOTH) Ferda.
I want to get back together.
But just with one of you.
God bless you, man, but you better stop it with that nipple shit.
From your lips to God's nips, Bradley.
Bradley, do your Chris Tucker again.
That's the best one.
Wayne, I would but your laugh makes me want to strangle a small motherfuckin' dog! - (LAUGHING) - Hey, Bradley, we should race right now.
- Really - No Dan, no.
What? You gonna race me.
You hear the Legend of the Wind? I ain't scared of a goddamn thing! Bradley, do your Denzel Washington again.
That's the best one.
We'll go fast around the bar, real fast.
Bradley do your Will Smith again, that's the best one.
You and me Bradley, 50 meter dash.
- Let's go right now.
- (LAUGHING) Okay, 50 meters too far.
I get it.
Twenty-five meters.
- It's not so far.
- (LAUGHING) Hear the wind? That's a wind, knocking on your door, Bradley.
(BOTTLES CLATTERING) (EXHALES) ROSIE: Bradley? Wayne? That's Bradley's favorite cousin.
Trouble in paradise, shirt-tucker? Ha! Wayne.
Please, no.
No one loves Bradley more than Rosie.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta