Limmy's Show (2009) s03e06 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 6
1 Welcome to Limmy's Show.
Look at that.
It's one of they exhaust pipes for a tumble drier.
He's had that outside his door for six months.
No joke, six months.
Never uses it.
It hasnae budged an inch.
And somebody stays there.
Somebody does stay there.
He's in and out every day, and he steps over it! Instead of just picking it up and putting it in the bin, he steps over it.
I've seen him.
Eh, wait, listen to me.
I'm meant to be entertaining you, and I'm going on about some stupid tumble drier exhaust pipe.
I'm not going to let it bother me.
You just enjoy the show, right? DANCE BEAT PLAYS HE WOLF WHISTLES Bleurgh! DISCO BEAT PLAYS Here.
How good would this be, eh? MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michel Jarre You're watching Adventure Call.
My name is Falconhoof, and I will be your guide on your quest.
But tonight's quest will not feature one traveller, but two, as we team up two callers selected at random.
Wizard, please select our first traveller.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS - GONG - Greetings, Raj.
ON PHONE: 'All right, Falconhoof?' - Are you ready to meet your partner? - 'My what?' Are you ready to meet your travelling companion? 'Aye.
I'm no' into this, by the way.
'I never knew this was gonnae happen.
'I just wanted to dae it myself.
' I mentioned it on last night's Adventure Call.
'Aye, well it's happening now, so - 'go.
' - Very well.
Wizard, please select our second traveller.
- GONG - Greetings, McFee.
ON PHONE: 'All right?' Travellers, you may greet each other.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS Let us begin.
You awake in a cellar.
McFee, you are chained and padlocked to the floor.
- 'What?' - RAJ LAUGHS - 'What you laughing at?' - 'Shut it.
' - 'You shut it.
' Travellers, please, let me continue.
McFee, beside you is a key, but it does not fit your padlock.
Raj, you are at the other side of the cellar.
You are also chained and padlocked.
Beside - 'Ha ha ha!' - 'Shut it.
' - 'You shut it.
' - 'I'll shut you.
' - 'I'll shut YOU.
' Raj, please.
Beside you is also a key, but it does not fit YOUR padlock.
Travellers, what would you like to do? - 'Chuck us your key.
' - 'Chuck us YOUR key.
' - 'Chuck us yours first.
' - 'Aye, right.
' - 'You are a wee fanny, by the way.
' - 'You're the fanny.
' - 'You're a fanny.
' - 'No, you're a fanny.
' If you can't decide, you will both remain in the cellar.
'Hold onjust clocked your picture.
'Are you Raj fae South Nitshill?' - 'Aye.
' - 'Raj the grass?' - 'What?' - 'You're a grass.
' - 'I'm no' a grass.
' 'You're a grass.
- 'Falconhoof, he's a grass.
' - I don't think this is the 'What, are you McFee from Carnwadric?' 'Oh, you've heard of me, aye?' 'Heard of your sister.
' 'What's that meant to mean?!' Please, travellers.
Please.
You are both locked in a cellar.
Who will throw their key first? Who will be the bigger man? - 'I'll dae it.
' - 'Naw, I'll dae it.
' - 'No.
I'LL dae it.
' - 'I said it first.
Throw key to McFee.
' Raj, you throw your key to McFee.
'Right, chuck us yours.
' 'Use key on padlock.
' 'What are you doing? Chuck us the key.
' 'All in good time.
Falconhoof, use key on padlock.
' Very well.
McFee, you unlock your padlock.
- You are free.
- 'Right, chuck us the key.
' - 'Exit cellar.
' - 'What you doing? Gie us your key.
' McFee, if you exit the cellar, Raj will be left to perish.
'Perish! Ha ha! Leave Raj the grass to perish.
- 'Exit cellar.
' - 'Your sister's a cow.
' - 'What?!' - Travellers 'Your sister's a cow.
McFee's sister's a cow.
' 'Where are you? South Nitshill, right now?' 'Aye, why? Are you squaring up to us, aye?' 'Priesthill & Darnley Station in an hour.
' Please, you are supposed to be a team.
- 'Aye, and bring a team.
' - No, I didn't mean 'I'll bring a team.
South Nitsy Young Team, ya fucking' 'Young Toon Tongs, ya fu' Let's take another call.
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS Karma.
You send good things out .
.
you get good things back.
Lot of shite.
Becausebad things are gonnae happen anyway.
And if you've been good Well, you're going to feel that life is so unfair.
So unfair.
So, you may as well be bad.
That way, if something bad does happen, you'll feel, "Ach Fair enough.
" RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY MOBILE PHONE RINGS What's that? Somebody's scratched her motor? BOY SOBS Ach 'I've noticed you can get anything you want in life, 'just wi' a smile.
' Can I have a lick of your ice cream? No.
Here, just take it.
'See?' 'Anything you want in life, just wi' a smile.
' Gonnae gie us a kiss? What? Please don't hurt me.
'Told you! 'All you need to dae is smile.
' Gonnae gie us your truncheon? What? What happened? - All right? - All right? HE SIGHS HEAVILY Hey! You all right? All right? Long time no see Eh, we used to work together.
- Oh, hiya.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
So, how's things? Aye, good.
Yourself? Aye, good.
You just in for a wee spot of shopping, aye? Aye.
You? Aye.
Ach! "Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?! You see, the thing is, I don't really know the guy.
He doesnae really know me.
Aye, we worked together, but it was a big office, we barely spoke, but we've not seen each other for years, we thought we'd be polite and stop and chat We made a mistake.
Now one of us is going to have to say goodbye.
Looks like it's going to have to be me.
"Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?! - All right, well - So where is it you work now? - Well, eh - Oh, shit.
What's she playing at? Who cares where he works? Now I have to pretend to be interested, and he knows that I'm no', otherwise I'd have asked myself.
Well, she asked the question, she can deal wi' it.
I do illustrations for the Institute of Civil Engineers.
I'm freelance, really, but they - What is civil engineering, anyway? - Eh Well, it's engineering - MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Sorry, I need to take this.
- Hello? - Civil engineering, it's Oh, no.
I don't care.
I wasnae even listening.
And he knows it.
How can I put it? It deals with the construction of bridges - Och, you know, that's no' really - No, it's cool.
I know what it is.
So, what about yourself? What are you up to these days? Keep it short and sweet and let's just get out of here.
Och, just the usual.
Perfect! So, what is it you dae yourself? What am I doing? I don't even know her! I might as well just ask passers-by, "Excuse me, mate, excuse me hen, what is it you dae?" I don't even know her! - Sorry about that.
- No, it's cool.
That's us away So, eh, you were saying Oh, aye.
Civil engineering Och, here, you know what I should have done? Hey! You all right? Aye.
What do you fancy for dinner tonight? I tell you what.
I could murder a steak.
What's that? You could murder a steak? Eee! I could fuck a duck.
QUACK Who's this guy? I don't know.
Sometimes two people just happen to be walking down the same street at the same time.
Sometimes they both decide to speed up sometimes they both decide to slow down.
Sometimes they both decide to stop and pretend to tie their lace.
Sometimes they both take a right sometimes they take a left.
Sometimes they turn around and turn around again.
And stop.
And go.
And stop.
And go.
And stop.
And go into a shop.
Sometimes they both decide to buy the exact same thing .
.
and another .
.
and another .
.
before both deciding to just leave it after all.
Sometimes two people do the exact same thing at the exact same time.
But me? HE CHUCKLES I'm just trying to freak the guy out.
'Fucking 'I was in the shops for milk, 'and I saw the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.
'A toothbrush.
'It was red, shiny.
'The size of it, man! I couldnae get my head around it.
' Never seen the likes of it, man.
'I thought, "Dee Dee, you've got your milk.
"Move on.
There's nothing to see here.
" 'Sold.
'The seconds I gets outside, the gloom hits me.
'I was like that' "Dee Dee, what have you done? "You'll be on cornflakes and water for the rest of the week, "and for this? What did you get it for?" And I thought, "I don't know.
" 'So I starts showing it off, trying to get some of that buzz back.
' Here.
Check that out, eh? 'No.
' Here That's mental, isn't it? 'No.
' Here.
Call that a toothbrush? That's a toothbrush.
'Nae takers.
'So I tried to put it to good use, 'to help people, to make a difference.
' Freshen up for the meeting, sir? No? 'No.
' Have a nice day at school, OK? Och, here, what's this? This wee bit's always sticking up, Finn, isn't it? - Try and get that down - Here.
Try this.
'No.
' Here.
That'll sort it.
'Nae use.
'Couldnae even gie it away.
Nae use to man nor beast.
'The most useless, pointless, daftest looking thing on the planet.
'What did you get it for? 'Then I realised why.
To take it home, where it belongs.
'The most useless, pointless, daftest thing on the planet 'and his toothbrush.
' It's funny.
Look at the way it's curved.
It's kind of like a question mark, isn't it? And the question is, why? Why does he no' just put it in the bin? The question is, how? How does he no' just put it in the bin? The question is, when? When's he gonnae put that in the bin? The question is, where? What do you mean, "where?" Right there.
The same place it's been for six months.
The question is - All right? - Emm - Do you want me to say something? - No.
How you doing? You're the new guy, aren't you? - Aye.
Brian.
- Graham.
What can I get you, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- And you, John? Same for me, Mary.
- You? - Same for me, please.
- What can I get you, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
- Graham? - Same, Mary.
- You? - Aye, same for me, pleaseMary.
- What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- You, John? - Same for me, Mary.
- You? - Aye, same for me, Mary.
You're the new lassie, aren't you? - Aye.
Elaine.
- I'm Brian.
My name's Brian.
- What you having, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
- Graham? - The same, Mary.
You? You know, Brian, Mary.
Roll and bacon for me.
- And for you, Elaine? - Same for me please, Mary.
- You're the new guy, aren't you? - Aye.
- I'm Brian.
Oh, same here! - What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- John? - Same for me, Mary.
- Brian? - Same for me, Mary.
- And you? - Same.
- So, this is your last day? - Yep, fly out on Monday.
- And you're away for good? - Yep, no' coming back.
Same job, double the money Australia! Lucky, lucky bastard.
- What can I get you, Brian? - Yep, nothing for me here Brian? Can I have aroll and bacon, please, Mary? - Fuck Australia! Yes! - ALL CHEER All right, mate? All right.
- Were you out clubbing last night, aye? - Aye.
Bet you wish you were back in your bed, eh? Aye.
Aye, see you later.
JOLLY TUNE PLAYS PUNCHING AND GROANING GONG Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't Yeah.
CHEESY CHAT SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS APPLAUSE Hello.
My name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.
OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.
Can so Oh! - I got a fright there.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS Can someone understand Oh! There it is again! AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'm hearing this sound of a What are they called? It's like a bigcymbal that you hit like that.
You know, kind of looks like a big metal biscuit.
- A gong.
- A gong, that's it, a gong.
I'm hearing the sound of a gong So, I'm looking for someone who travelled recently to the Orient, or You, my angel.
Yeah, I travelled around Japan last year, last summer.
- Oh, its a beautiful part of the world isn't it? - Yeah.
Oh, I'd love to go, but I've seen the pictures They have those temples, beautiful temples, don't they? - Did you go? - Yeah.
And they have those statues of Scary-looking statues like ogres or gargoyles - Funny looking things, aren't they? - Yeah, some of them.
And did you have a wee chuckle at them? I did.
OK, that was the wrong answer.
ALL: Oooh! Because, you see, I have here a demon.
You've offended a demon, you've brought back a demon.
Can everyone just move away, please? That's it, as quick as you can.
He has a demon.
OK, so you have a demon.
It's not like The Exorcist.
I cannot cure you, but I can alleviate your suffering before you pass away, OK? OK.
There's three things I want you to do.
The first thing is try not to be happy, because he'll feed on that.
Who were you hoping to make contact with today? Emmy older brother.
He passed away when he was ten.
Do you have good memories of him? Yeah.
Forget them, because they're just going to nourish the demon.
Every time you have a happy thought, it'll be like taking the demon to Greggs.
- Do you understand this? - AUDIENCE CHUCKLES Second thing, do you have a good support network? Friends, family, that make you feel better when you get down? Yeah, I'm really lucky.
Get rid of them.
Yeah? Cos they'll end up making you happy.
They might anger him.
He might even jump into one of them.
Are you ever around children? I don't have any kids of my own, but II sometimes look after my niece.
- Your niece? Have you seen The Exorcist? - Yeah.
Well, by the time he's finished with your niece, your niece will make her fae The Exorcist look like Shirley Temple.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - OK? So just tell them, "Get lost.
" And thirdly, I want you to see me after the show, because we're going to set you up with some aftercare.
APPLAUSE I want you to come along to my centre, week after week, month after month, for however long it takes, and that will be absolutely freefor the first session.
APPLAUSE OK, we'll leave it there Oh, hold on What was your older brother's name? - James.
- James? I have him here.
But it's not a good idea.
Why? Because it'll make me happy.
It would only make you happy.
Bye for now.
APPLAUSE Eee! Fuck a duck.
QUACK What the?! Hey! Hey Who was looking in my cubicle? Naebody.
But these guys they saw everything.
HE LAUGHS EVILLY DANCE BEAT PLAYS Oosh! Oosh, oosh, oosh! Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance, dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell dance Dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell dance.
Oosh! Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Oosh! Oosh! Do the dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
HE LAUGHS DOG GROWLS DOG GROWLS DOG GROWLS DOG BARKS AND GROWLS MUSIC: "Dark Conflict" by Joshua Goldberg Go! Go! Goooo! HE CRIES OU HE CRIES OU There we are! There we are! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS HE CHEERS HE CHEERS DANCE BEAT PLAYS 'He was the man of my dreams.
Or so I thought.
'Met him at the group therapy.
'Whisked me off my feet.
Stole my heart.
'I thought he was the one.
'We'd walk and talk and I don't know.
'He just made me feel cracking inside, know? 'But like all men, you gie them a stitch, and they take nine' Get out my fucking house! 'A liar.
Gave the therapy a swerve for a while.
'Couldnae bear to look at him.
'Until I thought, "Jacqueline, the guy's had a relapse.
"He'll explain.
" 'But when I went back, not a word.
' .
.
so that's me 18 months and counting.
Clean.
'Not a word of truth.
' APPLAUSE Jacqueline, we haven't seen you for a while, so you don't know We're having a karaoke tonight.
Are you going to join us? Of course.
Good.
So, how have you been? Good.
Good.
Justworking away.
My daughter's well.
I'm keeping clean HE SNORTS Aye, good.
Ups and downs, obviously, but at least I'm no back on the smack, eh? - Sure about that? - You what?! Look, Darren, please.
Jacqueline Is there anything you want to tell us? No.
What the fuck's going on here? While you were away Darren told us what happened.
He did? Your relapse.
Aye.
What, mine?! - The needle.
- The needle?! - You broke his heart.
- What the fuck?! Jacqueline, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Well, understand this It isnae! 'Sat in front of the mirror that night, taking a good look at myself.
'Check the state of you, Jacqueline.
'You're sitting in here, bubbling like wean, 'and they're out there at that karaoke, having a laugh.
'Laughing at you.
Are you taking that?' Oh, yeah 'Am I fuck.
' MICROPHONE FEEDBACK MUSIC: "Something Inside So Strong" by Labi Siffre 'Sing, Jacqueline.
'Keep your heid held high, fill your lungs and sing!' - OUT OF TUNE: - # The higher you build your barriers The taller I'm sorry, I cannae dae this.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK Jacqueline! I didnae break his heart, he broke mine! Youse all did! Youse broke my heart! Youse broke my soul! SHE SCREAMS 'And I broke every bone in my body.
'Out the game.
'And when I woke up, staring down at me was the face of an angel.
'I thought I'd died and went to heaven.
'And for the next six weeks, that's just what it was - heaven.
'Being nursed back to health by my own private guardian angel.
'Feeding me, cleaning me, 'scratching my arse.
'But it was more than that.
'He made me feel better on the inside.
'He taught me to let my guard down, open up.
'So that's what I did.
'Spilled my guts, confessed my sins, told him every bad thing about me.
'But every time I did, he told me two things about me that were good.
'Couldnae wait to get out of that stookie 'and fling my arms around him.
'I was sick of being wrapped up in white like a mummy.
'But that didnae stop me doing it one more time.
' MUSIC: "Wedding March" by Mendelssohn 'The man of my dreams.
My guardian angel.
'The best thing that ever happened to me.
' 'Aye 'and don't he know it.
' No, no, that's it.
I'm saying something.
I'm saying something.
- All right? - All right? Eh Can I ask you something? Are you happy with how the close is? In what way? Well, do you think it could be, like, maybe be, like tidier or something? Aye, I suppose so.
I'm a bit sick of seeing that bike on the landing every morning.
Right.
Do you know whose it is? - It's mine.
- Well, would you mind moving it? Aye, nae bother.
Well, wait Well, if I'm gonnae dae that, could you .
.
just let us know if I do it again? Aye, nae bother.
Thanks for that.
HE SIGHS HE SIGHS
Look at that.
It's one of they exhaust pipes for a tumble drier.
He's had that outside his door for six months.
No joke, six months.
Never uses it.
It hasnae budged an inch.
And somebody stays there.
Somebody does stay there.
He's in and out every day, and he steps over it! Instead of just picking it up and putting it in the bin, he steps over it.
I've seen him.
Eh, wait, listen to me.
I'm meant to be entertaining you, and I'm going on about some stupid tumble drier exhaust pipe.
I'm not going to let it bother me.
You just enjoy the show, right? DANCE BEAT PLAYS HE WOLF WHISTLES Bleurgh! DISCO BEAT PLAYS Here.
How good would this be, eh? MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michel Jarre You're watching Adventure Call.
My name is Falconhoof, and I will be your guide on your quest.
But tonight's quest will not feature one traveller, but two, as we team up two callers selected at random.
Wizard, please select our first traveller.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS - GONG - Greetings, Raj.
ON PHONE: 'All right, Falconhoof?' - Are you ready to meet your partner? - 'My what?' Are you ready to meet your travelling companion? 'Aye.
I'm no' into this, by the way.
'I never knew this was gonnae happen.
'I just wanted to dae it myself.
' I mentioned it on last night's Adventure Call.
'Aye, well it's happening now, so - 'go.
' - Very well.
Wizard, please select our second traveller.
- GONG - Greetings, McFee.
ON PHONE: 'All right?' Travellers, you may greet each other.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS Let us begin.
You awake in a cellar.
McFee, you are chained and padlocked to the floor.
- 'What?' - RAJ LAUGHS - 'What you laughing at?' - 'Shut it.
' - 'You shut it.
' Travellers, please, let me continue.
McFee, beside you is a key, but it does not fit your padlock.
Raj, you are at the other side of the cellar.
You are also chained and padlocked.
Beside - 'Ha ha ha!' - 'Shut it.
' - 'You shut it.
' - 'I'll shut you.
' - 'I'll shut YOU.
' Raj, please.
Beside you is also a key, but it does not fit YOUR padlock.
Travellers, what would you like to do? - 'Chuck us your key.
' - 'Chuck us YOUR key.
' - 'Chuck us yours first.
' - 'Aye, right.
' - 'You are a wee fanny, by the way.
' - 'You're the fanny.
' - 'You're a fanny.
' - 'No, you're a fanny.
' If you can't decide, you will both remain in the cellar.
'Hold onjust clocked your picture.
'Are you Raj fae South Nitshill?' - 'Aye.
' - 'Raj the grass?' - 'What?' - 'You're a grass.
' - 'I'm no' a grass.
' 'You're a grass.
- 'Falconhoof, he's a grass.
' - I don't think this is the 'What, are you McFee from Carnwadric?' 'Oh, you've heard of me, aye?' 'Heard of your sister.
' 'What's that meant to mean?!' Please, travellers.
Please.
You are both locked in a cellar.
Who will throw their key first? Who will be the bigger man? - 'I'll dae it.
' - 'Naw, I'll dae it.
' - 'No.
I'LL dae it.
' - 'I said it first.
Throw key to McFee.
' Raj, you throw your key to McFee.
'Right, chuck us yours.
' 'Use key on padlock.
' 'What are you doing? Chuck us the key.
' 'All in good time.
Falconhoof, use key on padlock.
' Very well.
McFee, you unlock your padlock.
- You are free.
- 'Right, chuck us the key.
' - 'Exit cellar.
' - 'What you doing? Gie us your key.
' McFee, if you exit the cellar, Raj will be left to perish.
'Perish! Ha ha! Leave Raj the grass to perish.
- 'Exit cellar.
' - 'Your sister's a cow.
' - 'What?!' - Travellers 'Your sister's a cow.
McFee's sister's a cow.
' 'Where are you? South Nitshill, right now?' 'Aye, why? Are you squaring up to us, aye?' 'Priesthill & Darnley Station in an hour.
' Please, you are supposed to be a team.
- 'Aye, and bring a team.
' - No, I didn't mean 'I'll bring a team.
South Nitsy Young Team, ya fucking' 'Young Toon Tongs, ya fu' Let's take another call.
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS Karma.
You send good things out .
.
you get good things back.
Lot of shite.
Becausebad things are gonnae happen anyway.
And if you've been good Well, you're going to feel that life is so unfair.
So unfair.
So, you may as well be bad.
That way, if something bad does happen, you'll feel, "Ach Fair enough.
" RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY MOBILE PHONE RINGS What's that? Somebody's scratched her motor? BOY SOBS Ach 'I've noticed you can get anything you want in life, 'just wi' a smile.
' Can I have a lick of your ice cream? No.
Here, just take it.
'See?' 'Anything you want in life, just wi' a smile.
' Gonnae gie us a kiss? What? Please don't hurt me.
'Told you! 'All you need to dae is smile.
' Gonnae gie us your truncheon? What? What happened? - All right? - All right? HE SIGHS HEAVILY Hey! You all right? All right? Long time no see Eh, we used to work together.
- Oh, hiya.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
So, how's things? Aye, good.
Yourself? Aye, good.
You just in for a wee spot of shopping, aye? Aye.
You? Aye.
Ach! "Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?! You see, the thing is, I don't really know the guy.
He doesnae really know me.
Aye, we worked together, but it was a big office, we barely spoke, but we've not seen each other for years, we thought we'd be polite and stop and chat We made a mistake.
Now one of us is going to have to say goodbye.
Looks like it's going to have to be me.
"Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?! - All right, well - So where is it you work now? - Well, eh - Oh, shit.
What's she playing at? Who cares where he works? Now I have to pretend to be interested, and he knows that I'm no', otherwise I'd have asked myself.
Well, she asked the question, she can deal wi' it.
I do illustrations for the Institute of Civil Engineers.
I'm freelance, really, but they - What is civil engineering, anyway? - Eh Well, it's engineering - MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Sorry, I need to take this.
- Hello? - Civil engineering, it's Oh, no.
I don't care.
I wasnae even listening.
And he knows it.
How can I put it? It deals with the construction of bridges - Och, you know, that's no' really - No, it's cool.
I know what it is.
So, what about yourself? What are you up to these days? Keep it short and sweet and let's just get out of here.
Och, just the usual.
Perfect! So, what is it you dae yourself? What am I doing? I don't even know her! I might as well just ask passers-by, "Excuse me, mate, excuse me hen, what is it you dae?" I don't even know her! - Sorry about that.
- No, it's cool.
That's us away So, eh, you were saying Oh, aye.
Civil engineering Och, here, you know what I should have done? Hey! You all right? Aye.
What do you fancy for dinner tonight? I tell you what.
I could murder a steak.
What's that? You could murder a steak? Eee! I could fuck a duck.
QUACK Who's this guy? I don't know.
Sometimes two people just happen to be walking down the same street at the same time.
Sometimes they both decide to speed up sometimes they both decide to slow down.
Sometimes they both decide to stop and pretend to tie their lace.
Sometimes they both take a right sometimes they take a left.
Sometimes they turn around and turn around again.
And stop.
And go.
And stop.
And go.
And stop.
And go into a shop.
Sometimes they both decide to buy the exact same thing .
.
and another .
.
and another .
.
before both deciding to just leave it after all.
Sometimes two people do the exact same thing at the exact same time.
But me? HE CHUCKLES I'm just trying to freak the guy out.
'Fucking 'I was in the shops for milk, 'and I saw the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.
'A toothbrush.
'It was red, shiny.
'The size of it, man! I couldnae get my head around it.
' Never seen the likes of it, man.
'I thought, "Dee Dee, you've got your milk.
"Move on.
There's nothing to see here.
" 'Sold.
'The seconds I gets outside, the gloom hits me.
'I was like that' "Dee Dee, what have you done? "You'll be on cornflakes and water for the rest of the week, "and for this? What did you get it for?" And I thought, "I don't know.
" 'So I starts showing it off, trying to get some of that buzz back.
' Here.
Check that out, eh? 'No.
' Here That's mental, isn't it? 'No.
' Here.
Call that a toothbrush? That's a toothbrush.
'Nae takers.
'So I tried to put it to good use, 'to help people, to make a difference.
' Freshen up for the meeting, sir? No? 'No.
' Have a nice day at school, OK? Och, here, what's this? This wee bit's always sticking up, Finn, isn't it? - Try and get that down - Here.
Try this.
'No.
' Here.
That'll sort it.
'Nae use.
'Couldnae even gie it away.
Nae use to man nor beast.
'The most useless, pointless, daftest looking thing on the planet.
'What did you get it for? 'Then I realised why.
To take it home, where it belongs.
'The most useless, pointless, daftest thing on the planet 'and his toothbrush.
' It's funny.
Look at the way it's curved.
It's kind of like a question mark, isn't it? And the question is, why? Why does he no' just put it in the bin? The question is, how? How does he no' just put it in the bin? The question is, when? When's he gonnae put that in the bin? The question is, where? What do you mean, "where?" Right there.
The same place it's been for six months.
The question is - All right? - Emm - Do you want me to say something? - No.
How you doing? You're the new guy, aren't you? - Aye.
Brian.
- Graham.
What can I get you, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- And you, John? Same for me, Mary.
- You? - Same for me, please.
- What can I get you, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
- Graham? - Same, Mary.
- You? - Aye, same for me, pleaseMary.
- What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- You, John? - Same for me, Mary.
- You? - Aye, same for me, Mary.
You're the new lassie, aren't you? - Aye.
Elaine.
- I'm Brian.
My name's Brian.
- What you having, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
- Graham? - The same, Mary.
You? You know, Brian, Mary.
Roll and bacon for me.
- And for you, Elaine? - Same for me please, Mary.
- You're the new guy, aren't you? - Aye.
- I'm Brian.
Oh, same here! - What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
- John? - Same for me, Mary.
- Brian? - Same for me, Mary.
- And you? - Same.
- So, this is your last day? - Yep, fly out on Monday.
- And you're away for good? - Yep, no' coming back.
Same job, double the money Australia! Lucky, lucky bastard.
- What can I get you, Brian? - Yep, nothing for me here Brian? Can I have aroll and bacon, please, Mary? - Fuck Australia! Yes! - ALL CHEER All right, mate? All right.
- Were you out clubbing last night, aye? - Aye.
Bet you wish you were back in your bed, eh? Aye.
Aye, see you later.
JOLLY TUNE PLAYS PUNCHING AND GROANING GONG Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't Yeah.
CHEESY CHAT SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS APPLAUSE Hello.
My name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.
OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.
Can so Oh! - I got a fright there.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS Can someone understand Oh! There it is again! AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'm hearing this sound of a What are they called? It's like a bigcymbal that you hit like that.
You know, kind of looks like a big metal biscuit.
- A gong.
- A gong, that's it, a gong.
I'm hearing the sound of a gong So, I'm looking for someone who travelled recently to the Orient, or You, my angel.
Yeah, I travelled around Japan last year, last summer.
- Oh, its a beautiful part of the world isn't it? - Yeah.
Oh, I'd love to go, but I've seen the pictures They have those temples, beautiful temples, don't they? - Did you go? - Yeah.
And they have those statues of Scary-looking statues like ogres or gargoyles - Funny looking things, aren't they? - Yeah, some of them.
And did you have a wee chuckle at them? I did.
OK, that was the wrong answer.
ALL: Oooh! Because, you see, I have here a demon.
You've offended a demon, you've brought back a demon.
Can everyone just move away, please? That's it, as quick as you can.
He has a demon.
OK, so you have a demon.
It's not like The Exorcist.
I cannot cure you, but I can alleviate your suffering before you pass away, OK? OK.
There's three things I want you to do.
The first thing is try not to be happy, because he'll feed on that.
Who were you hoping to make contact with today? Emmy older brother.
He passed away when he was ten.
Do you have good memories of him? Yeah.
Forget them, because they're just going to nourish the demon.
Every time you have a happy thought, it'll be like taking the demon to Greggs.
- Do you understand this? - AUDIENCE CHUCKLES Second thing, do you have a good support network? Friends, family, that make you feel better when you get down? Yeah, I'm really lucky.
Get rid of them.
Yeah? Cos they'll end up making you happy.
They might anger him.
He might even jump into one of them.
Are you ever around children? I don't have any kids of my own, but II sometimes look after my niece.
- Your niece? Have you seen The Exorcist? - Yeah.
Well, by the time he's finished with your niece, your niece will make her fae The Exorcist look like Shirley Temple.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - OK? So just tell them, "Get lost.
" And thirdly, I want you to see me after the show, because we're going to set you up with some aftercare.
APPLAUSE I want you to come along to my centre, week after week, month after month, for however long it takes, and that will be absolutely freefor the first session.
APPLAUSE OK, we'll leave it there Oh, hold on What was your older brother's name? - James.
- James? I have him here.
But it's not a good idea.
Why? Because it'll make me happy.
It would only make you happy.
Bye for now.
APPLAUSE Eee! Fuck a duck.
QUACK What the?! Hey! Hey Who was looking in my cubicle? Naebody.
But these guys they saw everything.
HE LAUGHS EVILLY DANCE BEAT PLAYS Oosh! Oosh, oosh, oosh! Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance, dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell dance Dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell dance.
Oosh! Dumbbell dance.
Dumbbell dance.
Oosh! Oosh! Do the dumbbell dance.
Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
HE LAUGHS DOG GROWLS DOG GROWLS DOG GROWLS DOG BARKS AND GROWLS MUSIC: "Dark Conflict" by Joshua Goldberg Go! Go! Goooo! HE CRIES OU HE CRIES OU There we are! There we are! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS HE CHEERS HE CHEERS DANCE BEAT PLAYS 'He was the man of my dreams.
Or so I thought.
'Met him at the group therapy.
'Whisked me off my feet.
Stole my heart.
'I thought he was the one.
'We'd walk and talk and I don't know.
'He just made me feel cracking inside, know? 'But like all men, you gie them a stitch, and they take nine' Get out my fucking house! 'A liar.
Gave the therapy a swerve for a while.
'Couldnae bear to look at him.
'Until I thought, "Jacqueline, the guy's had a relapse.
"He'll explain.
" 'But when I went back, not a word.
' .
.
so that's me 18 months and counting.
Clean.
'Not a word of truth.
' APPLAUSE Jacqueline, we haven't seen you for a while, so you don't know We're having a karaoke tonight.
Are you going to join us? Of course.
Good.
So, how have you been? Good.
Good.
Justworking away.
My daughter's well.
I'm keeping clean HE SNORTS Aye, good.
Ups and downs, obviously, but at least I'm no back on the smack, eh? - Sure about that? - You what?! Look, Darren, please.
Jacqueline Is there anything you want to tell us? No.
What the fuck's going on here? While you were away Darren told us what happened.
He did? Your relapse.
Aye.
What, mine?! - The needle.
- The needle?! - You broke his heart.
- What the fuck?! Jacqueline, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Well, understand this It isnae! 'Sat in front of the mirror that night, taking a good look at myself.
'Check the state of you, Jacqueline.
'You're sitting in here, bubbling like wean, 'and they're out there at that karaoke, having a laugh.
'Laughing at you.
Are you taking that?' Oh, yeah 'Am I fuck.
' MICROPHONE FEEDBACK MUSIC: "Something Inside So Strong" by Labi Siffre 'Sing, Jacqueline.
'Keep your heid held high, fill your lungs and sing!' - OUT OF TUNE: - # The higher you build your barriers The taller I'm sorry, I cannae dae this.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK Jacqueline! I didnae break his heart, he broke mine! Youse all did! Youse broke my heart! Youse broke my soul! SHE SCREAMS 'And I broke every bone in my body.
'Out the game.
'And when I woke up, staring down at me was the face of an angel.
'I thought I'd died and went to heaven.
'And for the next six weeks, that's just what it was - heaven.
'Being nursed back to health by my own private guardian angel.
'Feeding me, cleaning me, 'scratching my arse.
'But it was more than that.
'He made me feel better on the inside.
'He taught me to let my guard down, open up.
'So that's what I did.
'Spilled my guts, confessed my sins, told him every bad thing about me.
'But every time I did, he told me two things about me that were good.
'Couldnae wait to get out of that stookie 'and fling my arms around him.
'I was sick of being wrapped up in white like a mummy.
'But that didnae stop me doing it one more time.
' MUSIC: "Wedding March" by Mendelssohn 'The man of my dreams.
My guardian angel.
'The best thing that ever happened to me.
' 'Aye 'and don't he know it.
' No, no, that's it.
I'm saying something.
I'm saying something.
- All right? - All right? Eh Can I ask you something? Are you happy with how the close is? In what way? Well, do you think it could be, like, maybe be, like tidier or something? Aye, I suppose so.
I'm a bit sick of seeing that bike on the landing every morning.
Right.
Do you know whose it is? - It's mine.
- Well, would you mind moving it? Aye, nae bother.
Well, wait Well, if I'm gonnae dae that, could you .
.
just let us know if I do it again? Aye, nae bother.
Thanks for that.
HE SIGHS HE SIGHS