Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s03e06 Episode Script

So let me buy you uh, some ice cream.
Whoa, Joe, I I almost didn't see you there! - How do you mean? - Camouflage.
But this is for the woods.
I'm indoors.
- He has a point.
You know.
- Yeah, I am just Never mind.
What's with the get-up? Sorry, can't tell ya.
It's a secret society.
Is the secret society the "Prairie Dog Lodge"? - How did you know? - Your jacket tipped us off.
Oh, yeah.
As long as the secret's out, you know, we're always looking for new members.
Muslims do not believe in hunting for sport.
Well, number one: There're lots of other stuff we do.
And B: I was talking to Yasir.
That's very nice of you, Joe.
But it's simply not for me.
- Thank you though.
- Yeah, I hear ya.
Used to be a place a man could go to take his mind off work.
Now I can't walk into a room without hearing: "Hey, have I got a contract for you" this, or - "What a great place to network" that.
- He already said no! - No need to keep un-selling him.
- No, no, no, no.
Continue un-selling.
- Please, yes.
- But, but Season 3 Episode 6 Let Prairie Dogs Lie Manny-peddy: Manicure and pedicure.
S'mores: Brand of chocolate chip cookie So, I was thinking of going to the movies later.
- You and J.
J.
want to tag along? - I can't.
But thanks.
Mom and I are doing mother-daughter night.
Hmph.
Mother-daughter night? You guys going to get together and have manny-peddies? No.
Do you even know what a manny-peddy is? - Actually, no.
I was just bluffing.
- Nice.
How we just felt with all the wedding planning, we needed some more unstructured time together.
Huh.
Chalk one up for my family unity sermon.
No, we saw it when we are watching Opra Yes, Yes! Your family unity sermon.
Look, I've got the whole evening planned out.
Hmmm, 30 minutes discussing current events.
I thought you guys were having unstructured time together.
Oh, yeah! I scheduled that in too.
Ah, unstructured time: 12 minutes.
I stand corrected.
- It's really going to be fun.
- Yeah! Sounds it.
So this is the "Prairie Dog Lodge".
Yup, soon you'll be calling it: your second home.
Or in Leon's case: home.
Marital problems.
Well.
I'm not a member yet.
The big dog still has to approve me, no? Oh.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Well, this is a problem.
What are you thinking? We've never allowed his kind in here before.
- What, a contractor? - Muslims! - I don't trust them.
- Why are you whispering? You say the same thing on the radio every day.
Yeah, but this is in private.
I don't wanna seem ignorant.
- You might wanna scootch over.
- What? Aww crumbs, my fez! I thought we were gonna fix this - roof - We were, but none of the lodge members are handy.
Too bad, too.
'Cos lotta repairs going undone 'round here.
Wait a minute.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Yeah, I like that robe on Leon.
Idiot.
So, Yasir, welcome to the Prairie Dog Lodge.
Now, let's get you set up with your ceremonial sash - and your hammer.
- Hammer? Ceremonial hammer.
- Well, dad joined a lodge? - Yes, something about business connections.
- I think it's cute.
- What's cute about it? I don't know.
I keep picturing a bunch of men sitting around - reading comic books, eating S'mores - Mom, it's a lodge, not a tree-house.
You're right.
I don't really want to know what goes on in there.
Ooh, our show's coming on! Okay, but then we have to finish discussing current events 'cos we got a late start tonight.
- I love our unstructured evenings together.
- Me too.
Brother Amaar.
Thank goodness I found you.
Actually, I was just getting ready to go to a movie.
Good.
You must do something about Yasir.
- He has joined the pagan prairie dogs! - Oh yes, I heard.
- It's cute.
- Cute?! Do you want Amaar to lose his congregation? I don't see the connection.
Ho, ho.
It is a slippery slope.
Those people have their own customs and values.
"Those people"? Baber, I'm surprised at you.
- It makes you sound like - Those people.
If you allow this to continue, Yasir will very soon have deer heads on our walls and the entire congregation wearing plaid chemises.
Baber, I don't think the guys at the lodge call them chemises.
Do you even know what goes on in those lodges? - No.
Do you? - No.
They did not ask me to join.
Well, Baber, I think Yasir could put in a good word for you.
Just so you can check up on the pagan badness, of course.
And give those jerks another chance to snub me? Never! See, now I'm going to be late.
You're watching "Stranded"! The grand canyon crocodile adventure.
We'll be right back.
- What a great show! - I know! - Hey, let me ask you something.
- Uh huh? If you had a chance to go on one of these big race shows, who would your partner be, hypothetically? Aw, that's easy.
Reverend Magee.
Really? Why Reverend Magee? Well, for one thing he's not a Muslim, so he probably just sails through the airport.
That's true.
Is there anyone else, a woman, perhaps? Well, the mayor isn't exactly into "roughing it.
" A Muslim woman? - Fatima? - Me! You wouldn't choose me? Oh, I didn't realize you were one of my options.
So you would? - No.
- Why not? Well, Rayyan, everybody on that show always ends up screaming at each other.
Well, I'd just hate to put that strain on us.
But the mother-daughter team never screams at each other.
- And they're in first place! - For now.
But my money's still on the gay couple.
So you wouldn't choose me to be your partner, even hypothetically? Fine, hypothetically I'll be your partner.
Thank you.
- What if it were real? - Nah, I just don't see it.
Your toilet is flushing, your roof is not leaking, and your gopher lamp is fixed.
- Well, what was wrong with it? - The bulb was out.
It's the last thing you think of.
By the by, there, Yas, that's no gopher, my friendly.
That happens to be a pine rendering of our lodge mascot, "Prairie Dog Paul".
To Prairie Dog Paul.
How can you tell him from other prairie dogs? Oh well, he's got that light tuft of hair on his head.
The faux-hawk of destiny! I really wish you'd quit calling it that.
He's our hero, Yas.
Our guardian.
And he sits proudly atop the lodge's "Paul of Fame".
Huh? Don't you mean "Wall of Fame"? I know what I mean.
One day maybe, just maybe, you too might find yourself - on the "Paul".
- A man can dream.
Well, you know what I like to say: "Less working, more networking.
" And she wouldn't pick me to be her partner! - That's fantastic! - What? Your mom must have beat a million people for a spot on "Stranded".
It's a very popular show.
- No, she's not - You know, she could become a celebrity! - It happens.
- No, J.
J! She's not going on the show.
It's hypothetical.
- Oh.
So what's the problem? - It's the principle of the thing.
She wouldn't pick me, her own daughter, to be her partner.
Hmmph! - What was that? - What was what? That "Hmmph"? - You wouldn't pick me either? - Well, you wouldn't need me, right? You'd pick your own routes, you take charge, insist on certain strategies, you'll be fine! So, what are you saying? That I'm bossy? No! No.
Uh, just Fussy.
No, not fussy.
Um, fastidious organized? Bossy covers a lot.
Guys! - Hey, help me out here.
- What's up? Well, Rayyan's upset because uh her mother wouldn't pick her as a partner on "Stranded".
Of course not.
She's very very bossy.
- What?! - No, no.
You just like being in control.
Of everything.
- All the time.
- That's bossy! Now now, let us stop focusing on Rayyan's shortcomings and think about the show.
Send your mother my way.
I will be her key to success.
She's not going on the show! It's hypothetical.
Then what is the point of this conversation? Go.
Go.
Go! - What are we playing? - "Texas hold 'em".
My Friendly.
- Buy-in's 50 bucks.
- Whoa! We're not supposed to gamble.
- Want a beer? - We're not supposed to drink.
Pork sausage? Bacon flavoured.
Any other odd jobs I can do? Well, yeah, actually, there's a bucket in the back room.
Why don't you grab that and stay close to Leon.
Hmm? - What for? - When it happens, you'll know.
Let's play poker, fellas.
So I'm bossy! That's why you wouldn't pick me to be your partner.
We still get to go dress shopping, alright? I don't understand.
Why wouldn't you just tell me? - I thought you knew.
- How would I know? Well, you're a doctor, you need things done a certain way.
Your way.
All the time.
- I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
- No, no.
This is for the best.
Now that I know I'm bossy, I can change.
From now on, no more bossy Rayyan.
Well, that's a wonderful attitude! Yeah.
Here's how I'm gonna to do it First, I'll let you drive us to the bridal shop.
Then, if I like anything, you can choose the order that I try them on in.
After that, we'll swing by Fatima's so you can tell everyone how un-bossy I was.
Ah.
Much better.
- Is that a hunting jacket? - Membership has its privileges.
You see what is happening? This is un-Islamic.
Baber, there is nothing un-Islamic about wearing a hunting jacket, as long as you do not hunt.
- You're not hunting, right? - Of course not.
There you go.
How can you not see that Yasir is falling in with the wrong crowd? Puh-lease, nothing goes on there but good natured drinking and gambling.
- Not by me.
- Then what do you do? Well, yesterday, I fixed some wiring.
Then I got to unclog some drains in the basement.
Yasir, it sounds like they're using you to fix up the lodge.
Nonsense.
Don't you see? I'm using them for business contacts.
And what sort of business contacts have you made? Well, there's Tim who's retired.
And there's Gus also retired.
Pete has a great job, but he's on disability.
Sounds like a regular board of trade down there.
- You don't understand.
- Oh, we do.
You only want to hang out with the "cool kids" because you want to feel accepted.
Baber, this is not high school.
Yas, buddy! Over here, c'mon Outta the booth, it's ours.
Let's go! C'mon pal.
I'll share my fries with ya.
Huh? I'm sorry, guys.
I've got to go.
Did Yasir just ditch us for Fred and Joe? - You're being silly.
- I told you! Wrong crowd! - Do you always drive this slow? - I like this speed, thanks.
Right.
Sorry! Forget I said that.
You're the one driving, I'm the one not being bossy.
Just for fun, though, can we take Oak instead of Main, it's faster.
No, I like Main Street.
It makes for better people watching.
Why is that man wearing a bathrobe? Tell you what, if you promise to speed it up a bit, we can take Main for the next two lights.
Okay, that's it! - Mom, what are you doing!? - I'm kidnapping you! If you want to stop being bossy, you need to learn to be a passenger.
Done.
I'm a quick study.
Can we go to the bridal store now, please? Rayyan, sometimes it's about the journey and not the destination.
Are you with me or not? - Okay.
Let's do it! - That's my girl! It's go time! Just waiting for Do-ro-thy.
Okay, let's go! Fred, I've been doing some thinking.
I joined this lodge for my own selfish reasons, so perhaps I deserved what I got.
- Yasir - But, sorry.
I have other friends, who care about me, outside this lodge.
And so I know you'll understand when I say I cannot stay and be your "fix-it" man.
Yas, wait, wait, wait.
Me and Joe Well, all the guys were talkin', and, and Well, we just feel terrible about making ya do all the stuff around the lodge, and the way we treated you so badly.
- You do? - Yeah.
And now that I've gotten to know ya, you know, I uh as far as I'm concerned you're good people.
Gosh darnit, Yas, we want you to stay.
We made you something.
What? Hah! - That's you, mister.
- Yeah! You are going up on the "Paul of Fame".
That's why you took my picture yesterday.
Sorry, dad.
On the "Paul", I'm on the "Paul"! You're one of us now, pal.
I'm proud to call you brother.
And to seal the camaraderie - I want ya to get rid of that toolbox, - Yeah! - And pick up a gun! - A gun? - We're going hunting! - Yah! Yay You Muslims don't have any silly rules about hunting, - do ya? - It's, uh - It's just a guideline, really.
- Yay! - Salaam alaikum, Amaar.
- Walaikum asalaam.
Looks like you found some pants to go with the jacket.
Okay, I'm going hunting.
- Yasir, I defended you to Baber all week.
- I know you have.
- You know the Islamic position on hunting.
- Of course.
The prophet, peace be upon him, said: "One who kills even a sparrow or anything smaller," "without justifiable reason, shall be answerable to God.
" Ah! But we are going hunting for deer.
Big game.
Big, big game.
What about if we were to eat the thing? - Wouldn't that make it okay? - You eat deer meat? Venison, delicious! It's the other white meat.
Or red meat.
Okay, I don't eat deer.
But here must be some other loophole.
No.
Self-defence? Deer can be very aggressive.
You've seen Bambi.
Why do you even want to hang out with these guys? The truth is I've never been a member of a club.
It makes me feel part of something bigger.
- Islam is a billion strong! - I know.
But with these guys I know all their names! - Yasir.
- Amaar, they're just nice men.
Is there anything wrong with wanting to spend a little time with some nice people who like you, no matter what their hobbies happen to be? Huh? Caw-caw! Would it be okay if I asked where we're going now? Honey, you lasted a whole hour, that's fantastic! Thanks! I'm taking you to this neat little bridal shop that I saw in Odayna.
Any reason why we're taking this crummy road instead of the main highway? This is a short cut.
It's all about taking the road less travelled.
Well, on the bright side, now we know why this is the road less travelled.
Well, she's all hitched up.
My garage's about a mile down the road down in Odayna.
- I hope that's okay.
- Oh, it's perfect! You see, everything worked out.
Oh, ladies, ladies.
I'm gonna have to ask you to ride in the car.
- Why? - Well, it's my partner Rocko, he's a little touchy about strangers in the cab.
Rocko? Well, can't the dog ride in the car? Look, there's no way that's gonna fly.
See? You got his back up already.
Mom, it's just a mile.
This time I think it's about the destination.
Would you relax? I'm in control.
- Wow, I didn't think he'd call my bluff.
- Glad I'm not in control.
This is just like "Stranded"! You and me, stuck in the middle of nowhere.
The bridal shop is like our check point! It's the chance for us to prove we'd make great partners! - Or die of exposure.
- I like my idea better.
So, guys, is there any chance we'll actually get to eat what we kill? You nuts? Farming pesticides get in the river, deer drink from the river Eating one would be a death wish.
Oh.
Well, hunting isn't the most important thing, is it? The most important thing - is spending quality - Fan out, men! Who is that? I have a gun you know! I'm fairly certain I know how to use it! Don't shoot! Ah, salaam alaikum, brother.
What are you doing here? Walaikum asalaam.
We're trying to stop you from making a mistake.
It's okay, I have a whole plan worked out.
When it comes time to take a shot, I'll just aim at the ground.
I won't hit a thing.
Look I'll show you.
It's very easy.
I don't believe the ground makes that noise when you shoot it.
Oh my.
- Oh, look, a strawberry stand! - Are you sure it's not a mirage? - I told you everything would work out.
- Worked out?! Well, look, we found strawberries.
That's not the point! Mom, did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason I'm so bossy is because I always have to be the mom? Oh you do not! I stop for one day and look what happens.
Unless they have a patch of wedding dresses in with the strawberries, this whole day's been a complete waste.
I sell wedding dresses.
Okay, this woman's definitely a mirage.
No really.
I have a bridal shop in Odayna.
Do you think you could give us a lift? Oh, let me guess, they towed your car, and Rocko wouldn't let you in the truck? What is wrong with him? He's so rude.
Yeah, he's been that way ever since he got neutered.
Oh, the dog.
I can't believe we bought all this stuff and still no wedding dress.
Oh, the important thing is you did it.
You managed to not take charge even when you probably should have.
I would make you my "Stranded" partner in a second.
- We'd probably come in last.
- Dead last.
- But we'd have a great time together.
- Hey, ladies I'm afraid this job is gonna be pretty expensive.
- Yeah, but they're just tires.
- Well, they are and they aren't.
You see, there's these round spherical metal discs that fit on top of tires - Oh, you mean hub caps? - Well, I do and I don't is there a way you could use your bossy powers for good? No problem.
First you take our car, then you leave us stranded.
It's a lot easier to take this when you're doing it to somebody else.
Thanks! Four hours of walking says you're paying me.
I didn't mean to kill it! I don't even know what that is! It was an accident.
I'm sure you're in the clear.
Hamoudi, you bone head! That's a prairie dog! We're not supposed to hunt those? So maybe not in the clear.
Oh my God! The faux-hawk of destiny! You didn't just kill a prairie dog! You killed Paul! Well, at least we know what his destiny was.
- So definitely not in the clear.
- Murderer! Strip him of his prairie dog jacket.
Strip him of his ceremonial sash.
I never got the sash.
- Any last words? - Yes, actually.
I stuck up for you guys.
I called you my friends.
When other people said you were bad and running you down.
What do you have to say about that? Well, sorry Yasir.
You know.
But, uh Well, number one, shooting "Prairie Dog Paul", that was just plain unforgivable.
And B well, to be honest we're really just jerks.
- Yeah.
- Duly noted.
Take care! - I wanted you to have this.
- You keep it.
Don't worry, Yasir.
You didn't look that good in camouflage anyway.
- Forget about those guys.
- We should start our own lodge! One without hunting, gambling or drinking.
Just a place we can be with together in the presence of God.
Isn't that the mosque? Yeah, but we'll have cool jackets made up.
Oh! I am in! Subtitle by: Kiasu