Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e06 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mi vida, open up.
Ahhh.
What am I watching?
It's called brushing teeth.
You should try it sometime.
Rinse.
Mom, he's nine.
He can brush his own teeth.
I'm just trying to save Gordo some time
so he can stay up late
and meet his cousin,
Orlando, from Orlando.
Spit.
BOTH: Ohh.
My grandmother never brushed my teeth.
Knocked a couple loose, though.
She's got to stop coddling him.
Hmm, agree to disagree.
It's just a little extra
TLC from his grandma.
He'll grow out of it.
When a Latina holds a
baby boy in her arms,
she keeps him a baby forever.
Orlando's 27 and still doesn't
know how to tie his own shoes.
Orlando is a loser with a capital L.
Never had a job.
Lives with his grandmother.
He lives with his Nana
because without his love,
she would fade and perish.
That's what I said, loser.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Estoy aquíííí.
Orlandito!
Tia Rosie!
BOTH: Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
What am I watching?
Qué chulo.
Oh, let me help you with those bags.
- Mayan, help him with the bags.
- Oh, right.
Oh.
What do you have in here, 50
pounds of frozen croquetas?
That's just my weighted blanket.
I can't sleep without it.
I have the anxiety.
But from what?
You don't do nothing.
I do some things, Tio George.
These shoes aren't going
to un-Velcro themselves.
Do you need anything?
Café? Leche? Café con leche?
What more could I need?
I I already have
my Tia, my godmother,
mi luna, mi sol,
the wind beneath my wings.
Ayyy!
This guy knows where
his bread is buttered.
Nana, you are also the
wind beneath my wings.
Ayyy!
[TOGETHER] What are we watching?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I love having my two favorite boys here.
- Ugh!
- What's wrong?
Did you just realize your
life was going nowhere?
No, this has the pulp.
Pulp is good for you.
That is a lie made up by Big Juice.
It is a pulp fiction.
Let me get rid of the
pulp for you, Orlandito.
Mayan, get rid of the
pulp for Orlandito.
All gone.
Oh, that is pulpy.
I'll strain you a fresh glass.
Can you strain mine too?
I just found out I also
don't like the pulp.
No, you're not going to
grow up to be like him.
You're going to grow up to be like me.
No, please.
There must be some middle ground.
I'm gonna take you on
a move with me today
so you could see the
value of a hard day's work.
I can take him to work
with me at the Apple Store.
I said a hard day's work.
[CHUCKLES]
Look how Orlando left his stuff.
He doesn't do anything.
And my mom just lets
him get away with it.
Well, it's because he's a guest.
No, it's because he's a boy.
What are you talking about?
In Latino families, the women do
all the cooking, while the
men sit around and drink beer.
You don't cook.
Culturally speaking.
And on the weekends, the men
get to sleep in until noon,
while the women wake up at dawn to scrub
the floors with Fabuloso.
You don't clean.
Culturally speaking.
I'm gonna prove to you that my
mom treats women differently.
Hey, Mom, I'm hungry.
Can I get a waffle?
Orlandito hasn't had seconds yet,
but I think Chance left
some Goldfish in the couch.
Just blow the dust off.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Chance, today, you're
not a coddled little baby.
Today, you're one of my badass movers
overworked, underpaid,
and off the books.
How long is this gonna take?
I have a school project to work on.
Your project is not to
end up like that leech
Orlando, who still lives
with his grandmother.
What about a leech grandpa
who lives with his daughter?
We are a family
reconnecting through healing.
It's different.
Is it, though?
Go put those boxes together, huevón.
Hey, boss, you want me to
move this family portrait?
No, they want to leave
the family portrait
for the new family to enjoy, ta loca.
Of course!
Do you know when we might
have our lunch break?
It's 1:30.
OK, just because you have
two hands and a round face,
don't make you a clock.
We'll take a break when
I say we'll take a break.
Go get that table.
Turn it.
Turn it the other way.
OK, figure it out, or
I'll replace you guys.
You know how many guys
would kill to have your job?
We got it.
You see how hard I have to work, Chance?
No, but I can hear it.
What the
Sorry.
I was putting the box together
when suddenly it got dark.
Hey, do I have to think for all of us?
Turn it on its side.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Time to play Lotería.
BOTH: Yay!
[DOG BARKING]
Gender Bias Lotería.
- Ay, no.
- Ay, por favor.
[DOG GROWLING]
The fun game where
we get to prove my mom
has internalized misogyny.
Watch your mouth.
What does that mean?
It's what you have, Mom.
You favor boys over girls.
No, I don't.
Actually, I think Mayan
might have a point.
You think so?
See?
He says it, and you're
willing to think about it.
That's not true.
- It kind of is.
- You think so?
You're not going to stop
coddling Chance and Orlando
until you realize you have gender bias.
And this game is going to prove it.
I'm not gonna play a
game designed to trap me.
I do love a game.
Deal the cards, Mayan.
We're gonna show you an image,
and you'll indicate whether you
think that image is associated
with a male or a female.
You each have two cards
a male card, el hombre,
and a female card, la dama.
First up, briefcase.
El maletin.
Male or female?
Ugly.
But if someone were to take it to work,
would it be a man or a woman?
I feel attacked.
You know I don't work.
Just say male or female and explain
why you made the choice.
Does everyone understand?
Yes.
But I I have one question.
Is this your card?
Ay!
Moving on.
- Corn.
- El elote.
Male because the farmer
plants it, and farmers are men.
That's gender-biased.
Oh, you're right.
Female because a woman cooks it.
She's right, female,
but that's because corn
gives birth to popcorn.
[TIMER BEEPING]
Oh, is that the popcorn?
No. That's the kitchen timer.
I should go get the food off the stove.
Well, why do you have to get it?
Can't someone else get it?
You're right, Mayan.
You're right.
You go get it.
No, I mean someone else.
Either I get the stove,
or you get the stove.
There's no one else.
There it is.
The game was just a distraction.
The kitchen timer was the real test,
because I just proved that
you think women have to do all
the kitchen stuff and that Orlando just
gets to sit here and do noth
Wait. Where where is Orlando?
I'm in the kitchen getting
the food off the stove.
You see, Mayan?
There is no gender bias here.
Women do things.
Men do things.
We are both completely capable.
Help! Fire!
I don't know what to do!
[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]
[GASPS]
Mi cocina!
What do we do next?
Just get out of the way!
- Get out of the way!
- Ay!
[EXHALES]
Well, I hope you're happy, Mayan.
Because of your silly game, you
almost burned the house down.
You're blaming me for this?
Who else would I blame?
Orlando just
Orlandito had nothing to do with it.
Ladies, ladies, please, please.
OK?
Instead of pointing the fingers,
we should celebrate that we survived.
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
BOTH: Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
[TOGETHER] Ting tong ting
tong ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Ah!
Nothing like a big bag of
juice after a hard day's work.
I'm still working on my group project.
Hey, man, should I paste
this on to the board?
No, you should wait
for it to stick itself
up there like Spider-Man, ta loca.
These ribs are making me hungry.
What?
Watching you work makes me
hungry for better workers.
[BOTH SIGH]
Chance, it feels like your fear-based
management style is fostering
a toxic work environment.
My mom works in HR.
We're outta here, man.
Peace.
Fine! Leave! You know how
many third graders would kill
to do this project with me?
Chance, why are you
treating your funny-looking
friends like that?
To get them to work
hard like you showed me.
You think I'm that
mean to Momo and Oscar?
No, you're meaner.
I saw Oscar crying in Momo's arms
for all five minutes
of their lunch break.
That's what I did wrong.
Next time, I'll make them cry.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Oh, thanks God, Mayan.
Can you help me put
on my weighted blanket?
My hands are busy eating
this scrumptious flan
that my Tia Rosie made for me.
It would be my pleasure.
Oh.
OK.
Getting it. Getting it.
OK.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
Ohh.
Who needs the weight of a woman when
you've got this blanket, eh?
Ugh.
Oh, thanks God.
Quinten, can you hand me the remote?
It's right next to you.
But I'm under this blanket.
You really don't do anything, do you?
No, no, no. That's not true.
I make a great effort
to make no effort at all.
I wish I could do that, but
there's just there's so much
to do around the house.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, Quinten,
you're doing it wrong.
Doing what wrong?
Life.
I have a little trick.
Anytime any woman says, do the laundry,
I put a red sock in with the whites.
But wouldn't that turn everything pink?
Whoopsie-doopsie!
But you'll never wash
another laundry again.
You're talking about
weaponized incompetence.
I don't know about all that.
I just do things wrong on purpose.
And I get what I want.
Wait.
Did you start the
kitchen fire on purpose?
Maybe I did, or maybe I did.
[GASPS]
You heard him, Mom.
Quinten and I set a trap, and
Orlando walked right into it.
I went undercover as
a man and nailed it.
Orlando, you've been
helpless on purpose?
Oopsie-doopsie?
You just didn't see it
because of your gender bias.
Men like him have
been manipulating women
into doing everything
for them for generations,
and we've allowed it.
Congratulations, Mayan.
All these years, I'm thinking
I'm being a loving tía,
but you showed me I'm just a fool.
No!
You see the truth, and you're empowered!
I hope this means you're still taking me
to Universal Studios tomorrow.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Chance, I think I may have
taught you the wrong lesson.
Actually, I looked
up child labor laws
Shut up!
Let's get in the truck.
We're not eating!
I I got a question.
Does my management-based style of fear
toxic a foster work environment?
No, not at all.
We love it here.
Are you guys just saying that
because you're afraid of me?
- Absolutely.
- Please don't hit me.
Chance made me realize that I may be
a little too hard on you guys.
I do not know what type of
FBI sting operation this is,
but I admit nothing.
It's not a trap.
I just I just want
to tell you guys that
I think what I'm trying to say
It's OK. You don't have to apologize.
We understand why you
are the way you are.
You do?
Yeah, you had a really bad childhood
where no one showed you any affection,
so we don't expect much.
We hold on to the hope
that you can change.
Every morning, I try to hug
you, and you won't let me.
But one day, I hope you accept my hug.
Is it today?
No.
Toxic.
Forgot you were here.
Of course, I'll let you hug me, Momo.
Hey.
You you have to open your arms.
This is as far as I go.
I understand.
And I'll always hold space for you.
You don't think you
take up enough space?
What?
People don't change overnight!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I'm sorry, Mom.
My intention was to show
you your blind spots,
not to humiliate you.
I know. I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
Did you know flan is
my favorite dessert?
You're Cuban, so it's a safe bet.
Growing up, I would always beg for it,
but I would only get it
if my brother asked for it.
You made me realize that I've been
doing to you the same thing
that my mother did to me.
I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm just repeating the cycle.
Well, you're not repeating
it exactly, because here
we are talking about it.
Yes.
You've been really annoying,
but I get your point.
I love that Orlando, but he's
un poquito diabolical.
Well, stop doing so much for
him and do more for yourself.
Mmm.
Here.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, that's not for you.
That's to put in the fridge for Chance.
What?
People don't change overnight.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
You're not drying the dishes right!
If I want to see spots,
I'll look at my liver.
Ah, ah, ahem.
Please and thank you.
Ay, díos mio!
We're not falling for it, Orlando.
You're doing it on purpose.
I'm really trying, OK?
I swear.
Otra vez!
Can we just break the
dirty dishes so I don't
have to wash them for nothing?
I did one!
[ALL CHEERING]
[SHOUTS]
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Chance, come on.
- BOTH: Ting tong ting tong ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
- Tío George!
ALL: Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Ting tong ting tong ♪
Did they just trick us to get
out of cleaning the kitchen?
No, they tricked you.
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
BOTH: Ting tong ting tong
ting tong ta-ting tong ♪
Ting tong ting tong ♪