Malcolm in the Middle s03e06 Episode Script
Health Scare
(CLUNK) Whoa! Hmmmmm! (DRAWER SQUEAKS) (RATTLES) (SIGHS) (CAR CHUGS) Hal, did you replace that bulb? What does it look like I'm doing?! # Yes no maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Here we are, Bernard.
This is my cage.
Are you serious? (WHISPERS) Mom? Dad? This is Bernard, the hamster from my class.
It's my weekend to take care of him.
This isn't a good time.
I want you to see how good I am at taking care of him, and how good I'd be at taking care of a dog.
Did I mention that all the other kids have dogs? Honey, your father and I need to talk.
I saw a nice one at the pet store and I could name him Jeff and - Go play in your room! OK.
I'll put your cage right here, Bernard.
Sorry I said I wanted a dog in front of you.
Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt? Me neither.
I'll take good care of you.
Bernard? (SQUEAK! SQUEAK!) I thought you were getting a routine check-up.
That's when they find it.
Can't they do anything? Not until they get the biopsy back.
There you are.
(SQUEAK! SQUEAK!) You can't call that a short cut! It has to be shorter! Says who?! Says the word! It's just when you don't use regular streets.
If it took 150 years to cross the street, as long as you went through some bushes, that'd be a short cut?! You hate being wrong.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
What is wrong with you? Look at that floor! Oh, sorry.
How many times have I said don't track mud into this house? We'll clean it up.
Not good enough! You're grounded for a week! What? You can't do that! Want it to be two weeks? Dad! You heard your mother.
This is ridiculous! You're being unfair! Just because Malcolm got mud on his shoes and tracked it in the house doesn't mean he should be grounded.
Go to your room now! What's her problem? They're so boring they invent stuff to be upset about.
Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth? Good morning.
What did I tell you to do, jackass? Paint the kitchen, which I'm doing.
What kind of a moron paints it white? Wanna see all the dirt? What'd they teach you in college? I'm a high school dropout and I used the paint that you left for me.
I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot.
Do it over, even if you're here all night! What? That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay.
I should paint it the colour of your dye job.
What? He didn't say anything.
I said maybe I should paint it the same colour as your dye job, you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag.
Alright, college boy, you want it? You got it! I'm gonna kick your ass! Excuse me? I'm kickin' your ass.
Don't ever disrespect me like that.
You can't challenge her to a fight.
I didn't challenge anybody.
Hey, Lavernie's fightin' college boy! (CHEERS) We've got an opening Sunday at two before Mass.
Sunday.
Two o'clock.
Your ass, my foot.
There's no way I'm fighting a woman! If I don't mind, why should you? Oooooo! (ALL LAUGH) See what she did? She called him a woman.
It's gonna be a blood bath! You're right, Dewey.
When was the last time we played ball? I don't know.
Sometimes life gets away from you and you forget the things that are really important.
AAARGH!! Egh! This is crazy.
I have enough on my mind without worrying about you! But, Mom - Don't leave this room.
I don't want to see or hear you.
I don't want to sense your presence.
For crying out loud, Reese, there's a mirror right there! Believe me, I am going to watch that door like a hawk.
What's her problem? This can't be about mud.
Something's going on.
What've you done lately? The Richardsons' fire, the windshield, the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire.
Nothing she knows about.
This sucks! Well, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
See ya Monday.
Hey, moron, do you know what tomorrow night is? Christine Matson's party! That's this weekend? Yeah, and her sister's bringing her friends.
They tongue kiss whether they like you or not! It's shaking hands to them.
It's a cultural thing.
We have to go! Reese, if I show you a way we can go, do you promise never to let anyone find out even though you're an idiot? I swear.
OK.
I was saving this for a life or death emergency .
.
or a really good party.
Tell me! No way.
We're not hitting Mom with that! Reese, tomorrow night, we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space.
Wow.
Tunnelling out of our own room.
She can't lock us in any more.
Mom's powerless.
Yeah.
Now she's just a crazy old lady we live with.
Thanks, Dewey! It's Dewey.
Let's hurt him, fellow idiot.
Yes.
I hate him for his handsomeness.
Aaaarrgh! Hi, Dewey.
Hi, Lance.
Well, what do ya know? It's Bernard.
Let me see him.
You can't have him.
That's alright.
I can wait.
Next week is my turn to have him.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
You can't keep the hamster.
He belongs to the class.
He won't be safe.
You take good care of him, but you have to share him.
Lance isn't my friend.
He tore Billy's shirt off after school and - (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes! This is he.
He killed a frog and brought it to school.
Dewey, I said no! Do you want to be grounded like your brothers? No.
I've never seen her this worked up for a fight.
She's done this before? Since I've been here, she's fought five guys.
You're lucky you got some warning.
Know Big Don? The guy with one ear? Yeah.
He was going to the privvy and she dropped on him like a spider.
What's wrong with her? We were having a stupid argument.
How did it turn into a fight? It's how we settle things.
There are three other fights tomorrow.
Four.
Ned cut in front of Daryl.
Well, I hate to disappoint you but I'm not fighting Lavernia.
Really? Are you sure? No, he'll fight her.
No, I won't.
Thank you! Fellas! It looks like we're having a coward's cotillion.
'(ALL CHEER)' I'll get the dogs ready.
I'll sharpen the pig-sticker.
What are you talking about? Fighting's the only entertainment here.
You've seen our TV reception.
If someone cheats the boys out of a fight, there's a coward's cotillion.
What the hell is a coward's cotillion? It's always different.
You never know what animal the blood will attract.
My choices are to fight a woman or the stupid cotillion thing? Well, there's always the .
.
Howdy Stranger.
.
.
How can they make us wait another 24 hours? They're short-handed at the lab.
Don't they realise it's your life? Don't worry.
This is for the best.
I'm setting you free.
You won't have to worry about anyone being mean any more.
Come on, Bernard.
Run.
Run like the wind.
You have to do this, Bernard.
It's for your own good.
I'll be OK.
Go on! I don't want you any more.
I don't like you.
I never did! Go on! Go on, you dumb old hamster.
Bye, Bernard.
Booby trapped? A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans.
A classic.
If Mom trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
Yeah.
We're basically good kids.
She's so unreasonable.
Are you almost ready? Just a sec.
Will you come on? If anyone asks, I'm in junior college.
< (SCUFFLING) Hi, boys.
You don't know how lucky you are.
Everything is new.
Everything is open to you.
Please, don't ever take that for granted.
Make every moment the best you possibly can.
God, I am so proud of all of you.
You kids are the best thing I've ever done.
You'll never know how much I love you.
Maybe you're not supposed to.
(SNIFFS) Sleep well, my little angels.
(BOOM!) Aaaaargh! Aaaaaarrrgghhh! Aaaaaaarrgh!! Aaaaaarrgh!! '(BOTH SCREAM)' Amazing! I made out with a sophomore.
I'm so far ahead of schedule.
Did you see the TV fly off the roof into the pool? That was me.
I hope we get grounded next weekend.
'(BOTH SCREAM)' How dare you?! How dare you defy us like that?! We wouldn't have if you weren't so hard over a little mud on the floor! You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless? What's heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls? Be cool.
You were at a party?! While we were here worrying?! Can I have a napkin? I cannot believe you two! Alright.
That's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year! You can't do that! You're crazy! You do not talk to your mother that way ever! You'll show her the love and respect she deserves whether I'm here or not! This family sucks! You are ruining our lives! I wish you were dead! What was that all about? She usually just says, "I'm taking you with me.
" I want to tell you something.
We'll talk at two.
I'm gonna tell you this right now.
I hate your guts.
You're the most horrible person I've ever met.
You are mean, sadistic, twisted and spiteful.
And I owe you an apology.
What I said was a cheap shot about your looks and you don't deserve that.
No-one deserves that.
You're right.
Thank you.
What the hell are we doing this for anyway? This won't solve anything.
We're just putting on a show for idiots.
If you think you have to prove something because you're a woman, you don't.
You came and built a successful business in this awful place.
You have accomplished plenty.
Oh, my God! You're coming on to me! What? Peddle your sugar to somebody else, cos this bee ain't buyin'.
What?! The last thing I need is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.
You don't listen t I try to talk to you Ew! Do you hear anything? Mom's still crying.
Did she ever go to sleep? At 3 she went from sobbing to a quiet whimper.
She's just trying to psych us out! I don't think so.
When was the last time you heard Dad yell and Mom cry? You're right.
Something weird is going on.
They've been whispering a lot, too.
I just figured it out.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! (CHEERING) I've never seen her like this.
What do you expect? The boy tried to jump in bed with her! Dude, she's killing you! Do something.
I will not hit a woman.
Then, here.
Take this.
What is it? A screwdriver.
Jab and twist.
I'm not using the screwd Aaargh! Fight.
Ugh! Back.
Ugh! Ease up on him.
His only crime was loving you.
Ugh! You disgust me.
You better run home to Mama, so she can kiss your tears away and make you cocoa and tell you - Ugh! Yeah! Yeah! (CHEERING) My mother's a tormented control freak.
It would never occur to her to make me cocoa! (SPITS / PING!) (CHEERING) You're going down, college boy.
Bring it on, you toad.
(CHEERING) Yeah! Yeah! (WHISTLING / CHEERING) Ned.
Daryl.
You're up.
Somebody help me clear this floor.
Alright.
I'll get the camera.
If anyone at school asks, your name's Bernard.
You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.
'No.
We've been waiting for hours.
Now please give us the information.
' Negative?! Negative! That's a good one, right? Yes, thank you.
If Mom does a load of blankets I'll bring you a friend.
Oh! Mom.
Dad.
We have something to say.
We know why you've been crying.
You don't have to protect us.
We think getting a divorce is a great idea.
What? You don't have to stay together.
We've known for years it was a sham.
Your relationship isn't working.
Mom needs a man who'll control her and Dad needs someone younger.
You both deserve some happiness.
I think we all do.
Amen to that.
We should go to a motel with Dad.
Our bags are packed.
Mom, you're still part of our lives.
We'll see you every other weekend.
Call us any time.
We've already discussed it.
I get full custody.
This is my cage.
Are you serious? (WHISPERS) Mom? Dad? This is Bernard, the hamster from my class.
It's my weekend to take care of him.
This isn't a good time.
I want you to see how good I am at taking care of him, and how good I'd be at taking care of a dog.
Did I mention that all the other kids have dogs? Honey, your father and I need to talk.
I saw a nice one at the pet store and I could name him Jeff and - Go play in your room! OK.
I'll put your cage right here, Bernard.
Sorry I said I wanted a dog in front of you.
Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt? Me neither.
I'll take good care of you.
Bernard? (SQUEAK! SQUEAK!) I thought you were getting a routine check-up.
That's when they find it.
Can't they do anything? Not until they get the biopsy back.
There you are.
(SQUEAK! SQUEAK!) You can't call that a short cut! It has to be shorter! Says who?! Says the word! It's just when you don't use regular streets.
If it took 150 years to cross the street, as long as you went through some bushes, that'd be a short cut?! You hate being wrong.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
What is wrong with you? Look at that floor! Oh, sorry.
How many times have I said don't track mud into this house? We'll clean it up.
Not good enough! You're grounded for a week! What? You can't do that! Want it to be two weeks? Dad! You heard your mother.
This is ridiculous! You're being unfair! Just because Malcolm got mud on his shoes and tracked it in the house doesn't mean he should be grounded.
Go to your room now! What's her problem? They're so boring they invent stuff to be upset about.
Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth? Good morning.
What did I tell you to do, jackass? Paint the kitchen, which I'm doing.
What kind of a moron paints it white? Wanna see all the dirt? What'd they teach you in college? I'm a high school dropout and I used the paint that you left for me.
I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot.
Do it over, even if you're here all night! What? That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay.
I should paint it the colour of your dye job.
What? He didn't say anything.
I said maybe I should paint it the same colour as your dye job, you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag.
Alright, college boy, you want it? You got it! I'm gonna kick your ass! Excuse me? I'm kickin' your ass.
Don't ever disrespect me like that.
You can't challenge her to a fight.
I didn't challenge anybody.
Hey, Lavernie's fightin' college boy! (CHEERS) We've got an opening Sunday at two before Mass.
Sunday.
Two o'clock.
Your ass, my foot.
There's no way I'm fighting a woman! If I don't mind, why should you? Oooooo! (ALL LAUGH) See what she did? She called him a woman.
It's gonna be a blood bath! You're right, Dewey.
When was the last time we played ball? I don't know.
Sometimes life gets away from you and you forget the things that are really important.
AAARGH!! Egh! This is crazy.
I have enough on my mind without worrying about you! But, Mom - Don't leave this room.
I don't want to see or hear you.
I don't want to sense your presence.
For crying out loud, Reese, there's a mirror right there! Believe me, I am going to watch that door like a hawk.
What's her problem? This can't be about mud.
Something's going on.
What've you done lately? The Richardsons' fire, the windshield, the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire.
Nothing she knows about.
This sucks! Well, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
See ya Monday.
Hey, moron, do you know what tomorrow night is? Christine Matson's party! That's this weekend? Yeah, and her sister's bringing her friends.
They tongue kiss whether they like you or not! It's shaking hands to them.
It's a cultural thing.
We have to go! Reese, if I show you a way we can go, do you promise never to let anyone find out even though you're an idiot? I swear.
OK.
I was saving this for a life or death emergency .
.
or a really good party.
Tell me! No way.
We're not hitting Mom with that! Reese, tomorrow night, we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space.
Wow.
Tunnelling out of our own room.
She can't lock us in any more.
Mom's powerless.
Yeah.
Now she's just a crazy old lady we live with.
Thanks, Dewey! It's Dewey.
Let's hurt him, fellow idiot.
Yes.
I hate him for his handsomeness.
Aaaarrgh! Hi, Dewey.
Hi, Lance.
Well, what do ya know? It's Bernard.
Let me see him.
You can't have him.
That's alright.
I can wait.
Next week is my turn to have him.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
You can't keep the hamster.
He belongs to the class.
He won't be safe.
You take good care of him, but you have to share him.
Lance isn't my friend.
He tore Billy's shirt off after school and - (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes! This is he.
He killed a frog and brought it to school.
Dewey, I said no! Do you want to be grounded like your brothers? No.
I've never seen her this worked up for a fight.
She's done this before? Since I've been here, she's fought five guys.
You're lucky you got some warning.
Know Big Don? The guy with one ear? Yeah.
He was going to the privvy and she dropped on him like a spider.
What's wrong with her? We were having a stupid argument.
How did it turn into a fight? It's how we settle things.
There are three other fights tomorrow.
Four.
Ned cut in front of Daryl.
Well, I hate to disappoint you but I'm not fighting Lavernia.
Really? Are you sure? No, he'll fight her.
No, I won't.
Thank you! Fellas! It looks like we're having a coward's cotillion.
'(ALL CHEER)' I'll get the dogs ready.
I'll sharpen the pig-sticker.
What are you talking about? Fighting's the only entertainment here.
You've seen our TV reception.
If someone cheats the boys out of a fight, there's a coward's cotillion.
What the hell is a coward's cotillion? It's always different.
You never know what animal the blood will attract.
My choices are to fight a woman or the stupid cotillion thing? Well, there's always the .
.
Howdy Stranger.
.
.
How can they make us wait another 24 hours? They're short-handed at the lab.
Don't they realise it's your life? Don't worry.
This is for the best.
I'm setting you free.
You won't have to worry about anyone being mean any more.
Come on, Bernard.
Run.
Run like the wind.
You have to do this, Bernard.
It's for your own good.
I'll be OK.
Go on! I don't want you any more.
I don't like you.
I never did! Go on! Go on, you dumb old hamster.
Bye, Bernard.
Booby trapped? A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans.
A classic.
If Mom trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
Yeah.
We're basically good kids.
She's so unreasonable.
Are you almost ready? Just a sec.
Will you come on? If anyone asks, I'm in junior college.
< (SCUFFLING) Hi, boys.
You don't know how lucky you are.
Everything is new.
Everything is open to you.
Please, don't ever take that for granted.
Make every moment the best you possibly can.
God, I am so proud of all of you.
You kids are the best thing I've ever done.
You'll never know how much I love you.
Maybe you're not supposed to.
(SNIFFS) Sleep well, my little angels.
(BOOM!) Aaaaargh! Aaaaaarrrgghhh! Aaaaaaarrgh!! Aaaaaarrgh!! '(BOTH SCREAM)' Amazing! I made out with a sophomore.
I'm so far ahead of schedule.
Did you see the TV fly off the roof into the pool? That was me.
I hope we get grounded next weekend.
'(BOTH SCREAM)' How dare you?! How dare you defy us like that?! We wouldn't have if you weren't so hard over a little mud on the floor! You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless? What's heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls? Be cool.
You were at a party?! While we were here worrying?! Can I have a napkin? I cannot believe you two! Alright.
That's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year! You can't do that! You're crazy! You do not talk to your mother that way ever! You'll show her the love and respect she deserves whether I'm here or not! This family sucks! You are ruining our lives! I wish you were dead! What was that all about? She usually just says, "I'm taking you with me.
" I want to tell you something.
We'll talk at two.
I'm gonna tell you this right now.
I hate your guts.
You're the most horrible person I've ever met.
You are mean, sadistic, twisted and spiteful.
And I owe you an apology.
What I said was a cheap shot about your looks and you don't deserve that.
No-one deserves that.
You're right.
Thank you.
What the hell are we doing this for anyway? This won't solve anything.
We're just putting on a show for idiots.
If you think you have to prove something because you're a woman, you don't.
You came and built a successful business in this awful place.
You have accomplished plenty.
Oh, my God! You're coming on to me! What? Peddle your sugar to somebody else, cos this bee ain't buyin'.
What?! The last thing I need is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.
You don't listen t I try to talk to you Ew! Do you hear anything? Mom's still crying.
Did she ever go to sleep? At 3 she went from sobbing to a quiet whimper.
She's just trying to psych us out! I don't think so.
When was the last time you heard Dad yell and Mom cry? You're right.
Something weird is going on.
They've been whispering a lot, too.
I just figured it out.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! (CHEERING) I've never seen her like this.
What do you expect? The boy tried to jump in bed with her! Dude, she's killing you! Do something.
I will not hit a woman.
Then, here.
Take this.
What is it? A screwdriver.
Jab and twist.
I'm not using the screwd Aaargh! Fight.
Ugh! Back.
Ugh! Ease up on him.
His only crime was loving you.
Ugh! You disgust me.
You better run home to Mama, so she can kiss your tears away and make you cocoa and tell you - Ugh! Yeah! Yeah! (CHEERING) My mother's a tormented control freak.
It would never occur to her to make me cocoa! (SPITS / PING!) (CHEERING) You're going down, college boy.
Bring it on, you toad.
(CHEERING) Yeah! Yeah! (WHISTLING / CHEERING) Ned.
Daryl.
You're up.
Somebody help me clear this floor.
Alright.
I'll get the camera.
If anyone at school asks, your name's Bernard.
You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.
'No.
We've been waiting for hours.
Now please give us the information.
' Negative?! Negative! That's a good one, right? Yes, thank you.
If Mom does a load of blankets I'll bring you a friend.
Oh! Mom.
Dad.
We have something to say.
We know why you've been crying.
You don't have to protect us.
We think getting a divorce is a great idea.
What? You don't have to stay together.
We've known for years it was a sham.
Your relationship isn't working.
Mom needs a man who'll control her and Dad needs someone younger.
You both deserve some happiness.
I think we all do.
Amen to that.
We should go to a motel with Dad.
Our bags are packed.
Mom, you're still part of our lives.
We'll see you every other weekend.
Call us any time.
We've already discussed it.
I get full custody.