Man with a Plan (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

Guys, the flip house is really coming along.
- Yeah.
- DON: After we sell it, I'm gonna use the money to buy a couples vacation for me and Marcy.
Oh, that's really romantic, Don.
Yeah.
Marcy's going to the Bahamas and I'm going to Mexico.
How am I the divorced guy? Actually, we're gonna use the money to buy a house and then repeat the process until we own this city.
Yeah well, just the bad parts of the city.
We can't afford the good parts.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Inspection's all done.
All right.
Yes.
We failed? Wha how could that be? Did you not see the six-pack I left in your truck? The inside pipes are up to code, but your sewer line to the street needs to be replaced.
- (GROANS) - And for next time, I'm a wine guy.
That means we have to tear up the whole driveway.
We can't afford that.
We already used our airline miles to buy the doorknobs.
I feel bad.
I'm the one who convinced you to buy this house.
It's kind of my fault.
What no, Andi, no.
It's nobody's fault.
But this whole sewer thing, that's gonna run, like, 20 grand.
Way to go, Andi.
Look at this budget.
How are we gonna come up with 20 grand? Well, can't we just tack it onto our construction loan? We're at our limit with the bank.
When I pull up to the drive-through, the teller turns off the microphone and ducks behind the counter.
If we can't finish this house, we can't sell it.
And if we can't sell it, we could lose the whole business.
No! I need this job.
Since Jen and I split up, she has all the money and the lawyer says I can't have any.
A-All right, everybody, calm down.
Let's all remember: this is Andi's fault.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's not turn on each other.
Pittsburgh has plenty of banks.
Tomorrow, we'll just hit up a bunch of them until we find one that'll give us money.
Or I know a guy down at the track who lends money.
One hitch: if we can't pay him back, we'll have to kill him before he kills us.
ADAM: All right.
Let's call murdering a guy plan B.
Okay, huddle up, team.
We need a new loan to finish the flip house and I don't see any reason we shouldn't get it.
We are excellent at what we do, people like us and we're good-looking.
ANDI: Okay, I made a list of banks.
We'll split up - and get to as many as possible.
- All right.
Oh, I got a good feeling about this one.
It's right next-door to Hooters.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I never heard of any of these.
Yeah, well, I picked small ones.
I'm hoping they're small because they're not smart.
All right, that's the spirit, Andi.
All right, come on, we're burning daylight.
Let's do this thing.
- (STAMMERS) - Ugh, good.
You're all here.
I'm glad you're not busy.
Uh, actually, Mom, we're right in the middle of something.
No, you can tell your story after I tell mine.
Your father is impossible.
H-He just had his knee operation.
All he wants to do is sit around.
In fairness, he's recovering from a major surgery.
This seems like a family matter.
I'll wait in the car.
Well, I thought he was doing better.
He was, but now he's just back on the couch.
(SIGHS) I mean, I want to be known for my patience and consideration, but that's just not my bag.
So I'm going to my sister's.
Isn't his homecare nurse helping? If by helping, you mean eating all my Milanos and finishing my crossword puzzles, then yes, he's a gift from heaven.
Come on.
I'm taking your crossword for the train.
Love to the grandbabies.
What were we doing before she came in? We were about to lose our business.
Oh, right.
That thing Andi did.
So you can see, we're very serious.
We have a solid business plan, the house is almost done.
A-And we're both wearing ties.
(CHUCKLES) The trouble is, you're at your loan limit.
Right.
That's why we're both wearing ties.
We think our project has a lot of potential.
And I'm thinking you might be more likely to help us because we are haircut twins.
Oh.
Yeah, you're right.
It's like you're looking in a mirror that wants to give you money a money mirror.
(LAUGHS) So what are you thinking? I'm thinking I should grow out my hair.
I'm not sure you have enough collateral.
We may be small, but we're not dumb.
(CHUCKLES): Nobody said you were dumb.
Though we are hoping for desperate.
Look, we have other options.
We just don't want to have to kill a guy.
So you have all the numbers.
What do you say? No.
No.
No.
- Please? - No.
Maybe Oh, wait.
I didn't see that.
No.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) No, no, no.
ANDI: That loan guy left with our application.
That is not a good sign.
Do you hear anybody laughing out there? I haven't been rejected this much since middle school.
And high school and when my wife left.
I should be used to this by now.
(EXHALES) Thanks for waiting.
So? How bad is it? Actually, I think we can do something with this.
Okay, I'm sorry wait.
Wait.
Did you just say not "no"? I'm gonna need to run some numbers He's running numbers.
He's running numbers! - He's getting a calculator.
- All right, be cool, Lowell.
Sorry.
It's just, this loan is really important to us.
Well, I'll be honest, it's not a slam dunk, but you've got a spark.
I have a good feeling about you.
You seem hard-working.
I am hard-working.
And dedicated.
Super-duper dedicated.
Do you need to write that on there? Or, y-you'll remember.
He'll remember.
He'll (GRUNTING) Ah.
Crosscourt smash.
- Suck on that, Funchy.
- Hey.
Watch the language.
This is Wimbledon.
The queen's in the audience.
Oh, no, my boys are here.
Uh, hide the fun.
- Dad? Oh.
- Hey, guys.
Joe's just been sitting here in tremendous pain.
Uh, sorry to bother you, Dad.
We need to borrow one of your ties.
We got a couple more banks to see, and Don got mayonnaise on his.
I told you today of all days, don't get extra mayonnaise.
It was a turkey sandwich.
That bird gave his life and I'm not gonna put mayonnaise on him? Don't be disrespectful.
How's the leg, Dad? (GROANS): Oh, not good.
And Funchy's pushing me too hard.
Hey, I'm here to kick ass and eat Milanos, and I'm all out of Milanos.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Ooh.
Hey, Andi.
How's it going? I have a not no.
That's amazing.
So far, all we got is noes.
Well, one bank took our picture, but I think that's to make sure we never come back.
Okay, well, let me keep working on this and Okay, you listen, you got this.
Okay? Be confident, but not cocky.
Stay calm, but it's all up to you.
It's life or death.
Just have fun.
So, what do you think, James? Well, uh, this is a tricky one.
Uh, but sometimes, you just got to go with your gut.
Don't tell the squares upstairs, but I'm a bit of a vibe guy.
Oh.
Well, we are a very pro-vibe company.
Absolutely.
I'm vibrating right now.
So, um, what's the next step? Well, there's a lot to go through, and I have meetings the rest of the day.
I'd say come back tomorrow, but Karen's here then, and she has zero vibes.
What if we met to talk about it over dinner? You mean, like, a real business dinner? I've never had one of those I mean, I have, I have.
I've had so many, it's like, ugh.
But, uh, I've just never had one of those scheduled for tonight, i.
e.
I'm free.
I'd invite you, too, but, uh, she seems like the boss, am I wrong about that? No.
I'm not allowed to make any decisions.
- That's how smart she is.
- Mm.
Look at you, all ready for your first business dinner.
I know you don't like it when I say "You go, girl," so I'll just say it in my head.
You go, girl.
I heard that.
I couldn't keep it in, I'm too excited.
I can't wait to tell Adam.
Oh, no, no.
No, you can't tell Adam.
Uh-uh.
No.
He wouldn't understand.
I mean, even though it's a business dinner, all he'll hear is that I'm going out with another guy.
I can't keep a secret from Adam.
He's my hero.
Jimmy Olsen never lied to Superman.
Look, he gets jealous, even when there's no reason.
One time, at a concert, the singer said, "This one goes out to all the ladies," and Adam was in a bad mood the whole night.
He said he knew Billy Joel was talking to me.
I saw Billy Joel in New York once.
He said, "Get out of my way.
" Look, I just want to get this loan, come home and surprise Adam when it's all done.
Which is why I need you to cover for me.
Just tell him, uh, I went to the mall or something.
No, I can't handle that kind of stress.
In high school, I was voted most likely to panic and pass out.
When I was presented with the award, I passed out.
Well, I believe in you.
Don't.
You can do this.
I can't.
Lowell you go, guy.
Well, now I have to try.
(DOOR OPENS) Maybe we would have had a shot at that last bank if you didn't have ice cream all over you.
A tie is not a napkin.
- Agree to disagree.
- Oh Oh, hey, Lowell.
Hey, uh, where's Andi? You had to call me? You guys couldn't think to do this yourselves? Well, we didn't know what to do after we made fun of him.
Yeah, Andi wasn't here.
Where is Andi? Why do you think I'm lying? What? Fine.
I wasn't supposed to tell you, but since you can see right through me, she went to dinner with the loan officer.
Why wouldn't Andi want me to know that? I'm sure it's a very nice lady.
It's a guy.
Okay? The loan officer is a guy.
What?! Every guy is after her.
This-this is Billy Joel all over again.
No, no, it's not like that.
I met the loan guy.
He's harmless.
You better have just said "armless.
" It's a business dinner.
Is that what he told her? (SCOFFS) Let me tell you something, Lowell.
If it's a guy and a dinner, at a table, with a waiter, it's a date.
He's right.
Restaurants are where women fall in love.
They watch you eat.
If they can handle it, then they mate with you.
Where'd they go? Moonbeams.
Moonbeams?! That's the most romantic place in town.
I'm afraid to take Andi there 'cause we got three kids already.
I'm going down there to bust this up.
What? Wait.
Why? This guy is taking advantage of her.
Andi doesn't know how business creeps operate.
She only sees the best in people.
It's one of her worst traits.
But we need the loan.
Are you saying my wife is less valuable than money? Yes.
I mean, we-we have plenty of Andi.
What we don't have is money.
Your problem is you are not sensitive, like me.
Now, I am gonna go down there and rearrange this guy's face like Mr.
Potato Head.
I better follow him, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.
Let him go.
He loves his wife.
If you don't move out of my way, I will pick my teeth with you.
You know what, Marcy? You go.
I'm gonna stay here and make fun of him.
James, I appreciate you taking the time to meet me.
I-I put together all the documents on our property.
Yes, it's in my daughter's princess binder, but it says, "Always stay magical.
" - I think that's good advice for anybody.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, this is definitely a first.
But it doesn't matter what's on the binder, it's what's inside that matters.
Oh, more stickers.
I'm not trying to bribe you, but you approve our loan, you'll get a gold star.
(LAUGHS) Dad? I'm afraid you got the wrong guy, partner.
What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't walk.
Okay, you got me.
But don't tell your mother.
If she knows I'm okay, she'll make Funchy leave.
Medicare pays for two more weeks.
But if your knee is healed, you don't need him anymore.
I made a friend, and I'm not giving him back.
Well, thanks for including me in your insurance scam.
I think you've got some bigger problems.
Looks like your wife is stepping out with another guy.
I was gonna text you, but my steak came.
I know all about it.
I'm here to break it up.
Geez.
Where do you think you're going? To give that guy a piece of my mind.
You're not getting past me.
I've been eating ramen for six weeks because of this flip house.
My sodium is through the roof and I'm feeling crazy strong.
Okay, Marcy, I cannot let my wife be on a date with another guy.
They are not on a date.
Look at them.
It's a public place.
Nothing is going on.
He's pouring her wine.
That is a date! Your dad and Funchy are having wine.
Is that a date? I don't know, it looks pretty romantic over there.
They're sharing a wedge salad.
Here, you can have all the bacon.
- Oh, you get me.
- Yeah.
Hmm? (SCOFFS) J-Just before you go over there, I want to remind you how important this loan is to us.
At least hear my side of the story.
Okay, you have two minutes.
Okay, so, the year was 1974, and a pair of professors who thought they were barren gave birth to a miracle baby named Marcy.
This pie chart is very well done.
Oh, yeah, well, hope hope you're not on a diet.
(LAUGHS) You know, 'cause it's a pie chart.
ADAM: She's laughing.
What's she laughing at? Well, maybe he told her a joke.
Yeah She doesn't laugh at my jokes like that.
Last week I told her the one about Mr.
T in the haunted house.
(IMITATING MR.
T): "I pity the ghoul.
" Ghoul is another word for ghost.
He used to say, "I pity the fool.
" Aw, forget it.
I just wish I could hear what they're talking about.
Ooh, I see an opening.
- No, no - Shh! (STAMMERS) Oh, don't mind me, I'm a, uh, seat warmer.
That's how fancy this place is.
Not a cold butt since 1987.
Ladies.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Adam.
Well, well, well.
What are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
This is not a business dinner.
This is a date.
You are preying on an innocent woman in need, because you are a slimy, scheming friendly-looking guy.
You don't seem that threatening.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, after 18 years of marriage, I can't have dinner with a business associate? This is not Billy Joel.
Billy Joel hit on me one night.
That's pretty cool.
(CHUCKLES) I am trying to save our business, and all you're doing is making us both look like amateurs.
I think I can clear this up.
Oh, thank you, James.
This is a date.
Ha! I knew it.
I assume the worst in people.
That's one of my best traits.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wha-What about the loan? I ran it past Karen this afternoon.
She said no, but I was still jazzed about our date.
It wasn't a date.
I am married.
- Yeah, it doesn't bother me.
- Oh You gotta knock on the door if you want it to open.
I'm not a door.
Are you hearing him? Hey, I'm just happy I was right about this.
I got really sweaty there for a second.
But I'll gladly take him outside and tune him up, if you want.
No.
I'm not gonna waste my time on some jerk who, in this day and age, still tries to use a position of power to manipulate people.
And, you know, I wouldn't normally do this to an innocent glass of wine, but Ooh! Oops.
That was awesome.
Hmm.
That's why all the guys are after her.
So you failed to seduce the bank guy.
I wasn't trying, Don.
Oh, now you weren't trying.
Did you even listen to the story? The bad news is we're back where we started.
No money, no loan.
Now Don and I will have to vacation together.
Honey, I'm sorry I got so jealous tonight.
Obviously, you can take care of yourself.
Oh, that's okay.
I mean, you were right about him.
Just like Billy Joel.
"This one goes out to all the ladies.
" He was looking right at you.
Hey, guys.
Why the long faces? Why are you so cheerful? Did you pass out in a flower patch? Actually, I have some good news.
When Adam left for the restaurant, I had a feeling the deal might go south, and it was time for extreme measures.
So I went to see my ex, Jen, and I told her I wanted $20,000.
You didn't.
I did.
And I told her if she didn't give it to me, I would tell her grandma that she cheated on me with her horse riding instructor.
Nobody wants their nana to know they did it in a barn.
Anyhoo, the money's already in my account.
Lowell, you just saved our company.
That's great.
I mean, that's blackmail.
- It is? - Yeah.
I'll be right back.
- Oh, oh - No.
No.
Oh (GRUNTING) Oh, geez, Bev's home.
Oh I'm back.
Hi, dear.
I'd get up, but I can't.
- His leg's not getting any better.
- Yeah.
Looks like Funchy's gonna have to stay around a little while longer.
You're propping up the wrong leg, Joe.
That was your one job!