Maron (2013) s03e06 Episode Script
The Node
Okay.
God damn it! Just load! What the? Son of a bitch.
Won't fall for it You can't see And you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well You have reached T-West.
Press 1 for Spanish, Press 1 for phone.
Press 2 for Internet.
Press - Hey, man.
- Hey, Bernie.
Yeah, you got a tire.
Yeah, yeah.
Press 1 for billing.
Press 2 for customer service.
Press 3 for technical help.
Press Hey, man, you're being watched.
Oh, God damn it.
When the hell did he get here? Uh, 4:15 A.
M.
, We've actually been watching each other.
We have an understanding.
All right, all right.
Well, that's that's my dad.
Huh.
You have a dad.
That's nice.
Long story short, I had one.
Yeah? Well, that's mine, and that's his house.
Press 1 for hardware issues.
Press 2 for connection issues.
You need a tire? No, I'm good on tires.
I'm using the barter system.
All right.
Okay.
Well, I'm still on the money system.
- Press 1 for - Come come on! I-I just I don't have time to deal with this shit right now.
I don't want to deal with it.
He's just sitting out there.
He wants me to go out there and see what's going on.
Classic bullshit power play.
Yeah.
Or maybe he just pulled up and had a heart attack.
'Cause that's how my dad died.
But that was on a boat.
Short story long.
Press 1 for C-Come on, come on, come on! I need to talk to a person! A person! A person, God damn it! Ah.
You're ordering a pizza.
What? No, I'm on the phone with my bullshit Internet company.
Man, you got to steer clear of that shit! You know, like, they watch you.
They hunt you.
That's why I carry an antenna.
They can't track your stuff through an antenna.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I need Wi-Fi.
Thanks for waiting.
How can I help you? Yes.
Hello? Hi.
Yes, my Internet's been going on and off for two days.
I'd like to get it fixed now.
I'm very sorry, sir.
Please hold while I check your signal.
A sconce.
I could really use a sconce.
No, Bernie.
I-I-I don't want a tire, and I like my sconce.
I-I-I-I'll sweeten the deal.
I'll throw in a bunch of bricks and a piece of a bird bath beautiful.
Oh, here we go.
Mr.
Maron, I'm going to need you to restart your modem.
Yeah, okay.
I can do that.
Where where's my son? Oh, he's inside, giving the feds access to all his information.
I just want to say goodbye to my son.
Oh, what does that even mean? And I always wanted you to have this.
That looks new.
Yeah, well, I got it a couple weeks ago.
And it means a lot.
That's bullshit.
Excuse me? No, no.
Not not not you.
I have a giant, sad, annoying baby on my lawn.
We can send out a repairman tomorrow between noon and 4:00 P.
M.
Okay, great.
What are you doing? You're just gonna drop that and leave?! Sir, can you write down the 10-digit repair code? Yeah, yeah.
Just give me the number.
Okay.
Thanks.
God damn it! I'll trade you the knife for the tire.
No.
The data light is out.
Yeah, it keeps doing that.
Oh.
There it Back on.
E-E-E Off again.
Right.
That's why you're here, man.
Man.
Your cable from your router to your modem it's all chewed on.
What do you have rats? No.
I have cats.
Boom! Nailed it.
Shit! Hey! Cable dude! Hey! Hey, stop! Come on! Hey! Hey! I can't upload my shit! Well, he didn't fix it, all right? He just left two minutes ago, and now it's doing the same thing it was before.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you have your repair number? Yeah, I do.
I do have it.
Uh, 4-7-4-4-3-2-8-9-8-9.
Nope, it's not coming up.
I'll give you another one.
- Ready? - Yes.
- "A" as in "apropos" - Okay.
"S" as in "shame.
" Wait what? "4" as in "4" What? 7, 8 "L" as in "llama" "O" as in "orifice" Now I'm gonna send you up to Tier 2.
Great, because whatever's happening at this level is clearly not working.
Hello, Mr.
Maron.
How may I provide you with excellent service today? - You can fix my Internet.
- Very good.
First, let me to apologize for the problems what you've been experiencing.
Whatever.
Let's just fix it.
And I'm going to help you with that.
My name is Jeff.
Really? What's your real name? Jeffrey.
All right, I think we both know what's happening here.
If we could just focus on your Internet, would you most kindly restart your modem for me? No, I've done that already.
That's not the issue.
And how am I gonna trust you, Jeffrey, if you are lying about who you are? Mr.
Maron, I'm going to schedule a specialist to come to your home tomorrow between 8:00 A.
M.
and noon if it is most convenient.
Is there anything else, sir? Yeah just that you're full of shit, Jeff.
What an asshole.
I want my Internet fixed now.
No bullshit.
That's why I'm here.
Yeah, well, I want it actually fixed.
None of this, like, "some shit that makes it seem fixed" business.
Look, that last guy was a consultant.
I actually work for T-West.
I'm gonna get your Internet running today.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, pal.
Hey.
Look at me.
I got this.
Yeah, great.
The last guy showed me the lights, too.
But when he left, they all went out.
I'm just getting started, Marc.
Can I call you "Marc"? Yeah, I guess.
Thank you, Marc.
Thank you.
So, the modem is good.
Now let's go check out that utility box.
Okay, can we can we can we do it with less winking? Could Would that be possible? It's just past this RV here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey! What's going on?! Dad! Come on! Talk to me! Hey, hey! Where are you What are you doing? What are Hey, hold this for a second, will you? Huh? Yeah.
You trust this guy? Yeah, it's the cable guy.
It's his job to fix it.
There's too many wires, man.
Wires are liars! Wires are wires.
But I understand the apprehensiveness.
I don't think you do understand my apprehensiveness.
Well, everything looks good with your modem and your utility box.
They are primo.
All right, so what the hell are we gonna do about my Internet? Well, I'm gonna have one of our specialists come out, a guy who knows a lot more than me.
Shouldn't be too hard to find a guy like that, should it? Hey.
We're gonna get this done.
'Cause I care about you.
T-West cares about you.
It's a sign, man.
Antennas.
All right, what's going on, Dad? Talk to me.
"The memories flicker across my mind like brown leaves in the wind.
" "I wait for the twist.
It comes like a fist.
Another bris.
Everything is amiss.
The waves crash against my soul.
The murky filled bowl is a dirty koi pond.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
He gets it.
All right, okay.
Okay.
You know what? It's garbage, and it's manipulative.
What's the point of living? My life's been a disaster.
Disaster's exciting! You don't know what you got until it's ripped open and the juice is loose! All right, well, you both seem to have an equal level of bullshit going on, so I'm gonna go inside, and you two guys can talk tires and poetry.
And maybe when you stop crying, you can come inside and we'll try to have a conversation of some kind.
Yeah, sounds reasonable.
Okay.
Perfect.
So, we start out in life with these people who we have these intense feelings about and they're bigger than life to us, and they're just people.
And then we grow up, and sometimes you change roles, where you're ending up taking care of these people who are so important to you.
- I know.
- It's hard, right? And if you don't have good boundaries And you're not alone.
Obviously, a lot of people deal with complex family issues.
I know.
And they just go on and on and on.
They do go on.
They go on That's across the life-span.
They're things that just keep going and we have to keep contending with them.
I know, but, like Okay, so, at some point, it's like things don't work out, and then you just have to deal with it and hope you don't suffer too much.
Well, you have to accept.
And then acceptance can lead to happiness sometimes.
Oh, I don't know about happiness.
But, you know, I have to accept that this podcast might not be posted because my Internet is broken.
There's nothing I can do about it because my Internet company is a monopoly.
And that is a lot like family, too.
Is it? Who's your Internet company? T-West.
But that's that's that's getting us way off topic.
You're telling me that you're just accepting that you have garbage Internet? No, I-I actually have a pretty good situation.
Really? What do you mean? They gave me a special number, and if I have a problem, I call, and they take care of everything.
What?! You have a special number? They gave you a number to call? Can I have the number, please? Well, they Marc, they gave it to me.
I-I don't think I can just give it out to anyone.
What what? You're better than me? You're higher than me on the celebrity power rankings? Dr.
Drew is higher than me? I think we're equals at least.
I Marc, I think this is about something far more than just the Internet.
Just 'cause I have family issues doesn't mean I can't be upset that Dr.
Drew has some magic bat-phone to T-West.
I don't think that's exactly what I'm saying.
What are you saying? I don't have the number.
Dad! What?! All right.
Just checking.
I'm dying, son.
I'm dying.
Okay.
How do you know you're dying? I know.
This is exactly what you do.
Do you know how many times in my life you've told me that you're dying? This time, I can feel it.
Oh, really? What does dying feel like? Dark.
I never thought I would say this, but I'm I'm actually grateful to have to deal with my shitty Internet right now.
Oh, look it's the specialist.
Modem's in here.
I don't need to see it.
What? You've had two guys look at it.
Forget it.
It's pointless.
I was reading over your repair report.
And, uh It's it's shit.
It's it's just shit.
You know what I was thinking about when I was reading this? "Cool hand Luke.
" The system's not gonna change.
They need you to break.
They need you to give in.
And if they can't, they'll kill you.
Okay, well, that's that's pretty intense.
But, uh, I just want my Internet to work.
You think T-West cares if you have a good connection? No, I don't.
You're goddamn right, they don't.
The whole setup is a joke.
So, I'm I'm taking it you're not a company man.
I'm gonna tell you something that nobody on your side of the fence is supposed to know.
Come here.
It's the node.
It's the goddamn node.
The node, huh? The node.
That's it right there.
That's the node.
Ahhhh.
What's it do? It's a redistribution point.
The signal goes into the node, and then it sends the Internet out to everybody in the neighborhood.
Oh.
And it's broken? Nope overloaded.
Oh, we got an overloaded node.
Yep.
Needs to be split.
We need a node splitter? Yep.
But that could take weeks.
Why? Because T-West doesn't split the node unless it's at 87%.
Yours is at 83%.
So I just have to live with an overloaded node? That's it.
Yeah.
Bullshit.
They don't care.
It's total bullshit.
- Well, hey, Bernie.
- Hey.
- Will you hold that for me for one second? - Sure.
What's happening? Even trade.
Sure.
Whatever.
I just broke the chains.
I'm a free man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Ahhhhh! There.
There! God damn it.
Good evening.
This is Tier 3.
I didn't even know there was a Tier 3.
Do you need my, uh, Nope.
I'm looking at your report right now.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe what you've been through.
Look, I know about the node.
I need a node splitter.
Yeah, I don't know what a node splitter is.
Sorry.
Nothing more we can do.
Wait! Wait! I know Dr.
Drew.
In that case, you can expect a call from Tier 4.
Hello? Hello? Dad? Dad? Hello? Hello? Hey, man.
How's it going? Who's this? Oh, come on, Marc.
You know who this is.
This is Tier 4.
Hey.
Do you need my 10-digit repair number? No.
Why do you give it out if you never need it? Well, to give people something to hold on to hope.
Yeah, I'm not feeling that.
Things aren't always what they seem, Marc.
Sometimes what's going on is deeper and more impactful.
The real truth is underneath.
Okay.
All right, I get that.
But I still need Internet.
Everyone needs Internet.
But that doesn't mean that what you're feeling right now is about the Internet, because it's not.
It's about a deep-rooted need for justice and fear of not being in control.
Yeah.
I understand that.
It's about something deeper.
You need to stop yelling at your girlfriends.
You need to make up with your father.
And you need to stop watching porn.
You don't watch a lot, but you watch enough.
I don't watch anything that weird.
A couple of weeks ago, it got a little weird.
Well, yeah, but, you know, when you get into the Baltic stuff, you really don't know what's gonna happen.
And then I-I don't know.
All right, so, what's your point? Y-You you want me to engage in my life and and be a better person? Yeah.
Be a stand-up guy.
Okay.
Done.
Okay.
I just split the node.
You can just do it from there? Yeah.
I'm the node splitter.
Sometimes I feel completely hopeless.
Yeah.
Me too.
But not right now.
Everything's all right.
It's good to see you, Dad.
Shit, yes! Internet's working.
Well, now.
How about that?
God damn it! Just load! What the? Son of a bitch.
Won't fall for it You can't see And you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well You have reached T-West.
Press 1 for Spanish, Press 1 for phone.
Press 2 for Internet.
Press - Hey, man.
- Hey, Bernie.
Yeah, you got a tire.
Yeah, yeah.
Press 1 for billing.
Press 2 for customer service.
Press 3 for technical help.
Press Hey, man, you're being watched.
Oh, God damn it.
When the hell did he get here? Uh, 4:15 A.
M.
, We've actually been watching each other.
We have an understanding.
All right, all right.
Well, that's that's my dad.
Huh.
You have a dad.
That's nice.
Long story short, I had one.
Yeah? Well, that's mine, and that's his house.
Press 1 for hardware issues.
Press 2 for connection issues.
You need a tire? No, I'm good on tires.
I'm using the barter system.
All right.
Okay.
Well, I'm still on the money system.
- Press 1 for - Come come on! I-I just I don't have time to deal with this shit right now.
I don't want to deal with it.
He's just sitting out there.
He wants me to go out there and see what's going on.
Classic bullshit power play.
Yeah.
Or maybe he just pulled up and had a heart attack.
'Cause that's how my dad died.
But that was on a boat.
Short story long.
Press 1 for C-Come on, come on, come on! I need to talk to a person! A person! A person, God damn it! Ah.
You're ordering a pizza.
What? No, I'm on the phone with my bullshit Internet company.
Man, you got to steer clear of that shit! You know, like, they watch you.
They hunt you.
That's why I carry an antenna.
They can't track your stuff through an antenna.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I need Wi-Fi.
Thanks for waiting.
How can I help you? Yes.
Hello? Hi.
Yes, my Internet's been going on and off for two days.
I'd like to get it fixed now.
I'm very sorry, sir.
Please hold while I check your signal.
A sconce.
I could really use a sconce.
No, Bernie.
I-I-I don't want a tire, and I like my sconce.
I-I-I-I'll sweeten the deal.
I'll throw in a bunch of bricks and a piece of a bird bath beautiful.
Oh, here we go.
Mr.
Maron, I'm going to need you to restart your modem.
Yeah, okay.
I can do that.
Where where's my son? Oh, he's inside, giving the feds access to all his information.
I just want to say goodbye to my son.
Oh, what does that even mean? And I always wanted you to have this.
That looks new.
Yeah, well, I got it a couple weeks ago.
And it means a lot.
That's bullshit.
Excuse me? No, no.
Not not not you.
I have a giant, sad, annoying baby on my lawn.
We can send out a repairman tomorrow between noon and 4:00 P.
M.
Okay, great.
What are you doing? You're just gonna drop that and leave?! Sir, can you write down the 10-digit repair code? Yeah, yeah.
Just give me the number.
Okay.
Thanks.
God damn it! I'll trade you the knife for the tire.
No.
The data light is out.
Yeah, it keeps doing that.
Oh.
There it Back on.
E-E-E Off again.
Right.
That's why you're here, man.
Man.
Your cable from your router to your modem it's all chewed on.
What do you have rats? No.
I have cats.
Boom! Nailed it.
Shit! Hey! Cable dude! Hey! Hey, stop! Come on! Hey! Hey! I can't upload my shit! Well, he didn't fix it, all right? He just left two minutes ago, and now it's doing the same thing it was before.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you have your repair number? Yeah, I do.
I do have it.
Uh, 4-7-4-4-3-2-8-9-8-9.
Nope, it's not coming up.
I'll give you another one.
- Ready? - Yes.
- "A" as in "apropos" - Okay.
"S" as in "shame.
" Wait what? "4" as in "4" What? 7, 8 "L" as in "llama" "O" as in "orifice" Now I'm gonna send you up to Tier 2.
Great, because whatever's happening at this level is clearly not working.
Hello, Mr.
Maron.
How may I provide you with excellent service today? - You can fix my Internet.
- Very good.
First, let me to apologize for the problems what you've been experiencing.
Whatever.
Let's just fix it.
And I'm going to help you with that.
My name is Jeff.
Really? What's your real name? Jeffrey.
All right, I think we both know what's happening here.
If we could just focus on your Internet, would you most kindly restart your modem for me? No, I've done that already.
That's not the issue.
And how am I gonna trust you, Jeffrey, if you are lying about who you are? Mr.
Maron, I'm going to schedule a specialist to come to your home tomorrow between 8:00 A.
M.
and noon if it is most convenient.
Is there anything else, sir? Yeah just that you're full of shit, Jeff.
What an asshole.
I want my Internet fixed now.
No bullshit.
That's why I'm here.
Yeah, well, I want it actually fixed.
None of this, like, "some shit that makes it seem fixed" business.
Look, that last guy was a consultant.
I actually work for T-West.
I'm gonna get your Internet running today.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, pal.
Hey.
Look at me.
I got this.
Yeah, great.
The last guy showed me the lights, too.
But when he left, they all went out.
I'm just getting started, Marc.
Can I call you "Marc"? Yeah, I guess.
Thank you, Marc.
Thank you.
So, the modem is good.
Now let's go check out that utility box.
Okay, can we can we can we do it with less winking? Could Would that be possible? It's just past this RV here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey! What's going on?! Dad! Come on! Talk to me! Hey, hey! Where are you What are you doing? What are Hey, hold this for a second, will you? Huh? Yeah.
You trust this guy? Yeah, it's the cable guy.
It's his job to fix it.
There's too many wires, man.
Wires are liars! Wires are wires.
But I understand the apprehensiveness.
I don't think you do understand my apprehensiveness.
Well, everything looks good with your modem and your utility box.
They are primo.
All right, so what the hell are we gonna do about my Internet? Well, I'm gonna have one of our specialists come out, a guy who knows a lot more than me.
Shouldn't be too hard to find a guy like that, should it? Hey.
We're gonna get this done.
'Cause I care about you.
T-West cares about you.
It's a sign, man.
Antennas.
All right, what's going on, Dad? Talk to me.
"The memories flicker across my mind like brown leaves in the wind.
" "I wait for the twist.
It comes like a fist.
Another bris.
Everything is amiss.
The waves crash against my soul.
The murky filled bowl is a dirty koi pond.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
He gets it.
All right, okay.
Okay.
You know what? It's garbage, and it's manipulative.
What's the point of living? My life's been a disaster.
Disaster's exciting! You don't know what you got until it's ripped open and the juice is loose! All right, well, you both seem to have an equal level of bullshit going on, so I'm gonna go inside, and you two guys can talk tires and poetry.
And maybe when you stop crying, you can come inside and we'll try to have a conversation of some kind.
Yeah, sounds reasonable.
Okay.
Perfect.
So, we start out in life with these people who we have these intense feelings about and they're bigger than life to us, and they're just people.
And then we grow up, and sometimes you change roles, where you're ending up taking care of these people who are so important to you.
- I know.
- It's hard, right? And if you don't have good boundaries And you're not alone.
Obviously, a lot of people deal with complex family issues.
I know.
And they just go on and on and on.
They do go on.
They go on That's across the life-span.
They're things that just keep going and we have to keep contending with them.
I know, but, like Okay, so, at some point, it's like things don't work out, and then you just have to deal with it and hope you don't suffer too much.
Well, you have to accept.
And then acceptance can lead to happiness sometimes.
Oh, I don't know about happiness.
But, you know, I have to accept that this podcast might not be posted because my Internet is broken.
There's nothing I can do about it because my Internet company is a monopoly.
And that is a lot like family, too.
Is it? Who's your Internet company? T-West.
But that's that's that's getting us way off topic.
You're telling me that you're just accepting that you have garbage Internet? No, I-I actually have a pretty good situation.
Really? What do you mean? They gave me a special number, and if I have a problem, I call, and they take care of everything.
What?! You have a special number? They gave you a number to call? Can I have the number, please? Well, they Marc, they gave it to me.
I-I don't think I can just give it out to anyone.
What what? You're better than me? You're higher than me on the celebrity power rankings? Dr.
Drew is higher than me? I think we're equals at least.
I Marc, I think this is about something far more than just the Internet.
Just 'cause I have family issues doesn't mean I can't be upset that Dr.
Drew has some magic bat-phone to T-West.
I don't think that's exactly what I'm saying.
What are you saying? I don't have the number.
Dad! What?! All right.
Just checking.
I'm dying, son.
I'm dying.
Okay.
How do you know you're dying? I know.
This is exactly what you do.
Do you know how many times in my life you've told me that you're dying? This time, I can feel it.
Oh, really? What does dying feel like? Dark.
I never thought I would say this, but I'm I'm actually grateful to have to deal with my shitty Internet right now.
Oh, look it's the specialist.
Modem's in here.
I don't need to see it.
What? You've had two guys look at it.
Forget it.
It's pointless.
I was reading over your repair report.
And, uh It's it's shit.
It's it's just shit.
You know what I was thinking about when I was reading this? "Cool hand Luke.
" The system's not gonna change.
They need you to break.
They need you to give in.
And if they can't, they'll kill you.
Okay, well, that's that's pretty intense.
But, uh, I just want my Internet to work.
You think T-West cares if you have a good connection? No, I don't.
You're goddamn right, they don't.
The whole setup is a joke.
So, I'm I'm taking it you're not a company man.
I'm gonna tell you something that nobody on your side of the fence is supposed to know.
Come here.
It's the node.
It's the goddamn node.
The node, huh? The node.
That's it right there.
That's the node.
Ahhhh.
What's it do? It's a redistribution point.
The signal goes into the node, and then it sends the Internet out to everybody in the neighborhood.
Oh.
And it's broken? Nope overloaded.
Oh, we got an overloaded node.
Yep.
Needs to be split.
We need a node splitter? Yep.
But that could take weeks.
Why? Because T-West doesn't split the node unless it's at 87%.
Yours is at 83%.
So I just have to live with an overloaded node? That's it.
Yeah.
Bullshit.
They don't care.
It's total bullshit.
- Well, hey, Bernie.
- Hey.
- Will you hold that for me for one second? - Sure.
What's happening? Even trade.
Sure.
Whatever.
I just broke the chains.
I'm a free man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Ahhhhh! There.
There! God damn it.
Good evening.
This is Tier 3.
I didn't even know there was a Tier 3.
Do you need my, uh, Nope.
I'm looking at your report right now.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe what you've been through.
Look, I know about the node.
I need a node splitter.
Yeah, I don't know what a node splitter is.
Sorry.
Nothing more we can do.
Wait! Wait! I know Dr.
Drew.
In that case, you can expect a call from Tier 4.
Hello? Hello? Dad? Dad? Hello? Hello? Hey, man.
How's it going? Who's this? Oh, come on, Marc.
You know who this is.
This is Tier 4.
Hey.
Do you need my 10-digit repair number? No.
Why do you give it out if you never need it? Well, to give people something to hold on to hope.
Yeah, I'm not feeling that.
Things aren't always what they seem, Marc.
Sometimes what's going on is deeper and more impactful.
The real truth is underneath.
Okay.
All right, I get that.
But I still need Internet.
Everyone needs Internet.
But that doesn't mean that what you're feeling right now is about the Internet, because it's not.
It's about a deep-rooted need for justice and fear of not being in control.
Yeah.
I understand that.
It's about something deeper.
You need to stop yelling at your girlfriends.
You need to make up with your father.
And you need to stop watching porn.
You don't watch a lot, but you watch enough.
I don't watch anything that weird.
A couple of weeks ago, it got a little weird.
Well, yeah, but, you know, when you get into the Baltic stuff, you really don't know what's gonna happen.
And then I-I don't know.
All right, so, what's your point? Y-You you want me to engage in my life and and be a better person? Yeah.
Be a stand-up guy.
Okay.
Done.
Okay.
I just split the node.
You can just do it from there? Yeah.
I'm the node splitter.
Sometimes I feel completely hopeless.
Yeah.
Me too.
But not right now.
Everything's all right.
It's good to see you, Dad.
Shit, yes! Internet's working.
Well, now.
How about that?