Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s03e06 Episode Script
Money Changes Everything
1 [NARRATING.]
Look at that guy happier than an arcade kid with a pocket full of quarters.
Why? Oh, maybe because I'm insanely wealthy? Now, this wasn't some random windfall.
We made this loot the old-fashioned way by capturing Thanos, Mad Titan of the Galaxy, twice.
Now that we have more money than Odin, the question remains will success change the Guardians of the Galaxy? Nah.
We're gonna do what we always do [GRUNTING.]
something good, something bad.
Something expensive! Ahh! Whoa.
Rocket, what's with the chop shop? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Now that I got enough units to keep my units in a fortress made of units, I'm gonna retire in style, and I'm taking everything I brought to this ship with me.
Retire? It's victory lap time.
We have years of mall openings, talk shows, and all-expense-paid thank-you junkets if we stick together.
Nothing sticks to Drax.
My battle-hardened skin repels all parasites.
However, I'm not destined to be Drax the Celebrity.
He has a point, Quill.
Does the galaxy truly need more celebrities? Guys, celebrities inspire people how they live, what they wear, where they go.
Don't you see? We have a duty to the galaxy.
The only duty I have is to spend a gajillion units! Which is why I got this the Timely Teleportation Company's U-Got-It 7! For a nominal fee, this baby can instantly teleport anything I want to me, or me to it.
Uh, you mind? I'm trying to unite us with an inspiring speech.
Now, who's for basking in the glory and recognition that we deserve? Seriously? No one? Ah, Rocket, old pal, I knew I could count on you to stand with me.
What? Me? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I got a lifetime of conspicuous consumption ahead of me.
See ya! [QUILL.]
Hey! He took my chair! [DANCE BEAT.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Coming soon to the Conjunction Galactic Network Star-Lord's Super-Awesome Variety Hour! [CONTINUES.]
Good evening, fellow rich people! [CHATTERING.]
Yo, pal, what's the most expensive drink on the ship? That would be the Gramosian Royal Blend 4-D Spiced Tea.
Gramosian tea? No way me and my soon-to-be hundred or so best friends are gonna drink that swill.
[BEEPS.]
- Huh? - Oh.
[ROCKET.]
That's right, folks Asgardian World Tree Extract.
Only five barrels of this stuff exist in the universe.
And this one's on me.
[CHEERING, CHATTERING.]
[SNIFFING.]
Wait a minute.
Someone out there ain't partaking of my extremely generous hospitality.
Wraith? [THUMP.]
My refreshments ain't good enough for you? I do not drink.
I do not eat.
I require no sustenance of any kind, for I am neither dead nor alive, forged in the crucible of the Exoteric Latitude.
Yeesh.
I liked you better when you didn't talk.
Now, this wouldn't have anything to do with all those times I stole from you or humiliated you or got the best of you? No.
So you're just gonna turn down a gift from the best bounty hunter in the galaxy? You can't be the best.
You're retired.
And proud of it.
I went out on top and got nothing left to prove.
Really? [COUGHING, SPITTING.]
Fine.
You want a challenge? Name the bounty.
Any time, any place.
[ANNOUNCER.]
N.
O.
V.
A.
S.
, stories of the Corps, and the worst criminals in the galaxy.
Tonight's most wanted Ichtryo Pike, a literally slimy con man who bilks the poor and needy.
The Nova Corps have put a bounty of 50,000 units on his head.
Your bounty is mine, Pike.
Aah! [GRUMBLES.]
Hmm? [CRACKING.]
Ohh, that's not good.
I surrender! I surrender! [ROCKET.]
Miss me, ghoul boy? You may be an okay bounty hunter, Wraith, but you can't outwit a double-barreled ion cannon retail value, 10,000 units.
[WHIMPERING.]
[YELLING.]
Ahh.
No use running, fish-boy.
You're about to be snagged by the best there is.
Ya hear that, Pike? You have a tractor beam? Why didn't you use that first? Hey! Do I tell you how to swindle little old ladies? Like taking candy from a retnok.
[PIKE.]
Mr.
Rocket, as you may have heard, I've made quite a haul of my own.
I'm certain you and I could come to an accommodation.
Zip it, brine breath, or I'll show you the business end of my brand-new upgraded Quad Blaster.
I do not have brine breath.
And what kind of a Expensive upgrades, dummy.
As in 50,000 units expensive.
This thing's got settings I ain't never seen before not just "zap" and "stun," but "obliterate," "disintegrate"! Right, Groot? Uh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Eh-heh? Hmm? [YELLS.]
[GUN COCKS.]
Mine.
Throw him back now, space zombie, - or I swear I'll - Catch.
[BEEPING.]
Enjoy the gift.
[WHIMPERING.]
Aw, krutack.
Mr.
Wraith, forgive me being so forward, but I hope there's more to your plan than mere floatation in the endless vacuum of space.
At the risk of sounding like a poor guest, um, have you such a thing as a, uh, seat cushion on board? No.
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
Is that bad? Yes.
[ROCKET.]
Attention, second-best bounty hunter in the galaxy.
Prepare to lose to the first! Yo, tall, dark, and gloomy, any time you want to surrender, I got no problem blasting the fugitive out of your ship one bit at a time.
Whoa! Are you by chance aware there is a crazed vermin with a blaster taking pieces of your ship? Yes.
Aren't you afraid? Fear murders the soul faster than plasma bolts do the body.
I believe I preferred you when you were monosyllabic.
[WHIMPERS.]
Is there a chance I could use your restroom? Don't be so flargin' stubborn, Wraith.
Second best ain't that bad.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Whoa! Ooh! Oh! What the flarg, fish-face? [WHIMPERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Clear off, Wraith.
This is my bounty.
Not yet.
[GRUNTS.]
[CREAKING.]
Freeze, you Gunoovian slime rat! I set this thing to "expunge," and I got no idea what that even means.
Shh.
Don't you shush me, paleface! [CREAKING.]
[SIGHS.]
Allow me.
Wait.
[ROCKET.]
Whoa! Aah! Hey! - That's worth 50,000 units! - Aah! Note to self never use "expunge.
" Aah! [WHIMPERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
Pike, you still alive? I need you alive for the bounty.
Hmm, I have been better.
- Ah.
- Yes.
I am the best.
In your pasty face, Wraith! Wraith? Holy krutack.
What have I done? Curious.
I would never have mistook you for the remorseful type.
Hey, I got scruples.
Not a lot, but if I blow a hole in a guy, then I don't deserve to be the best.
Agreed.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
I told you, I am neither dead nor alive.
My body is animated by alien parasites.
There is no injury from which they will not repair me.
You lousy krutackin' faker! I ought to put ten holes in you! But first I got a bounty to collect.
How are you gonna get to Nova Corps? Watch me.
What in the blazes? You blithering fool! You didn't teleport us to Nova Corps.
You teleported Nova Corps to us! [ROCKET.]
At considerable expense, I might add.
[NOVA PRIME.]
I should have known you'd be involved in this debacle.
But this was all Wraith's fault.
Our scanners haven't picked up any additional life-forms.
That's 'cause he ain't alive.
You are going to spend the rest of your life paying to teleport this entire facility back to Xandar.
Eh, any chance I can use the bounty on this guy as a down payment? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Well, I guess I'd better get to work.
I'll bring it back! Soon as I collect a few more bounties.
Not if I collect the bounty on you, fuzzball.
[ANNOUNCER ON P.
A.
.]
Welcome to the Xandar Space Port.
For your safety, all unattended baggage will be immediately disintegrated.
I am Groot? Yeah, so? I am Groot? I gave at the office.
[SIGHS.]
Looking for a ride, buddy? We can get you anywhere.
For a price.
I am Groot.
I think we got a very special and wealthy passenger here.
Why don't you and I discuss terms while my partner readies our ship, huh? I am Groot.
Uh, we keep our ship away from the space port on account of it being so nice a ride.
Uh, we don't want to make others envious.
I am Groot.
Sleep tight, tree-man.
[CLATTER.]
Huh? [COUGHING.]
I am Groot! I am Groot! [GRUNTS.]
[GROANING.]
[COUGHS.]
What do we do with him now? Grab his unit tablet.
Take him back to the ship.
Dump him somewhere no one will find him.
[GROANING.]
I am Groot.
[INHALES, GROANS.]
I am Groot.
[GASPING.]
Uhh [GROANING.]
I am Groot.
[GASPING.]
[GROWLING.]
Ah.
I am Groot.
[GASPS.]
I am Gr [COUGHING.]
[WEAKLY.]
I am Groot Dad, look.
It must be some kind of alien visitor.
Oh, darling, you don't need another imaginary friend.
It's just some ancient wood carving.
[GROANING.]
We could put him in our field, use him to scare away the pests.
[CREATURES CHITTERING.]
[CHITTERING.]
Fine.
But we need to go.
I don't like the look of these jerboids.
Okay, Groot.
It's not just the big jerboids you got to look out for.
There's also the babies.
Only they're not after the water.
They want to eat our crops.
[GRUNTS.]
I am Groot.
For me? No one's ever given me a present like this.
Thank you.
[GROANS.]
I am Groot.
[CHITTERING.]
Get out! Get out, vermin! I ought to chop that thing up for cooking fuel.
Daddy, don't.
Groot made me this.
He only needs water.
Can't you see? What's the first rule of the desert? Never waste your water.
Because if you let even one drop out The jerboids will come.
Exactly.
But I think Groot needs the water.
Hmm.
He didn't mean it, Groot, about chopping you up for cooking fuel.
[SNORING.]
He won't miss a little water.
I am Groot.
Don't tell my dad, okay? Whoa! No! [GASPS.]
[CHITTERING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Aah! Run! What are you waiting for? Go! [PANTING.]
No! Get back inside! No, no, no, no, no! [SCREAMING.]
Get away from her! No! No! No! [PANTING.]
[YELLS.]
Daddy! Help! I am Groot.
Daddy! Help! I am Groot! [GRUNTING.]
[CHITTERING.]
Uhh! Aah! [YELLS.]
I am Groot.
I am Groot! [GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
I am Groot! [GROWLS.]
[THUMP.]
I am Groot! I am Groot.
I told you he just needed water.
Thank you, Groot.
Now can he stay? Of course he can stay.
I'm just not sure we have enough water for him and the crops.
[ROCKET.]
You know what it took to find you? I had to cut a swath across the entire Xandarian criminal underworld, and here you are frolicking at an open hydrant? Uh, friend of yours? I am Groot.
Groot's my friend, too.
Yeah, well, he's my business partner, and I might need to borrow some units from him.
Please don't go, Groot.
I am Groot.
[SNIFFLING.]
Me, too.
I am Groot.
Uh, I am Groot.
What do you mean, can we come back and visit? I am Groot? 'Cause we got to get back in business, that's why not.
Now let's pool our units.
Uh, I am, uh, Groot.
Wha You lost all of it? I am Groot.
That ain't the point! We're talking about the units you lost!
Look at that guy happier than an arcade kid with a pocket full of quarters.
Why? Oh, maybe because I'm insanely wealthy? Now, this wasn't some random windfall.
We made this loot the old-fashioned way by capturing Thanos, Mad Titan of the Galaxy, twice.
Now that we have more money than Odin, the question remains will success change the Guardians of the Galaxy? Nah.
We're gonna do what we always do [GRUNTING.]
something good, something bad.
Something expensive! Ahh! Whoa.
Rocket, what's with the chop shop? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Now that I got enough units to keep my units in a fortress made of units, I'm gonna retire in style, and I'm taking everything I brought to this ship with me.
Retire? It's victory lap time.
We have years of mall openings, talk shows, and all-expense-paid thank-you junkets if we stick together.
Nothing sticks to Drax.
My battle-hardened skin repels all parasites.
However, I'm not destined to be Drax the Celebrity.
He has a point, Quill.
Does the galaxy truly need more celebrities? Guys, celebrities inspire people how they live, what they wear, where they go.
Don't you see? We have a duty to the galaxy.
The only duty I have is to spend a gajillion units! Which is why I got this the Timely Teleportation Company's U-Got-It 7! For a nominal fee, this baby can instantly teleport anything I want to me, or me to it.
Uh, you mind? I'm trying to unite us with an inspiring speech.
Now, who's for basking in the glory and recognition that we deserve? Seriously? No one? Ah, Rocket, old pal, I knew I could count on you to stand with me.
What? Me? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I got a lifetime of conspicuous consumption ahead of me.
See ya! [QUILL.]
Hey! He took my chair! [DANCE BEAT.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Coming soon to the Conjunction Galactic Network Star-Lord's Super-Awesome Variety Hour! [CONTINUES.]
Good evening, fellow rich people! [CHATTERING.]
Yo, pal, what's the most expensive drink on the ship? That would be the Gramosian Royal Blend 4-D Spiced Tea.
Gramosian tea? No way me and my soon-to-be hundred or so best friends are gonna drink that swill.
[BEEPS.]
- Huh? - Oh.
[ROCKET.]
That's right, folks Asgardian World Tree Extract.
Only five barrels of this stuff exist in the universe.
And this one's on me.
[CHEERING, CHATTERING.]
[SNIFFING.]
Wait a minute.
Someone out there ain't partaking of my extremely generous hospitality.
Wraith? [THUMP.]
My refreshments ain't good enough for you? I do not drink.
I do not eat.
I require no sustenance of any kind, for I am neither dead nor alive, forged in the crucible of the Exoteric Latitude.
Yeesh.
I liked you better when you didn't talk.
Now, this wouldn't have anything to do with all those times I stole from you or humiliated you or got the best of you? No.
So you're just gonna turn down a gift from the best bounty hunter in the galaxy? You can't be the best.
You're retired.
And proud of it.
I went out on top and got nothing left to prove.
Really? [COUGHING, SPITTING.]
Fine.
You want a challenge? Name the bounty.
Any time, any place.
[ANNOUNCER.]
N.
O.
V.
A.
S.
, stories of the Corps, and the worst criminals in the galaxy.
Tonight's most wanted Ichtryo Pike, a literally slimy con man who bilks the poor and needy.
The Nova Corps have put a bounty of 50,000 units on his head.
Your bounty is mine, Pike.
Aah! [GRUMBLES.]
Hmm? [CRACKING.]
Ohh, that's not good.
I surrender! I surrender! [ROCKET.]
Miss me, ghoul boy? You may be an okay bounty hunter, Wraith, but you can't outwit a double-barreled ion cannon retail value, 10,000 units.
[WHIMPERING.]
[YELLING.]
Ahh.
No use running, fish-boy.
You're about to be snagged by the best there is.
Ya hear that, Pike? You have a tractor beam? Why didn't you use that first? Hey! Do I tell you how to swindle little old ladies? Like taking candy from a retnok.
[PIKE.]
Mr.
Rocket, as you may have heard, I've made quite a haul of my own.
I'm certain you and I could come to an accommodation.
Zip it, brine breath, or I'll show you the business end of my brand-new upgraded Quad Blaster.
I do not have brine breath.
And what kind of a Expensive upgrades, dummy.
As in 50,000 units expensive.
This thing's got settings I ain't never seen before not just "zap" and "stun," but "obliterate," "disintegrate"! Right, Groot? Uh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Eh-heh? Hmm? [YELLS.]
[GUN COCKS.]
Mine.
Throw him back now, space zombie, - or I swear I'll - Catch.
[BEEPING.]
Enjoy the gift.
[WHIMPERING.]
Aw, krutack.
Mr.
Wraith, forgive me being so forward, but I hope there's more to your plan than mere floatation in the endless vacuum of space.
At the risk of sounding like a poor guest, um, have you such a thing as a, uh, seat cushion on board? No.
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
Is that bad? Yes.
[ROCKET.]
Attention, second-best bounty hunter in the galaxy.
Prepare to lose to the first! Yo, tall, dark, and gloomy, any time you want to surrender, I got no problem blasting the fugitive out of your ship one bit at a time.
Whoa! Are you by chance aware there is a crazed vermin with a blaster taking pieces of your ship? Yes.
Aren't you afraid? Fear murders the soul faster than plasma bolts do the body.
I believe I preferred you when you were monosyllabic.
[WHIMPERS.]
Is there a chance I could use your restroom? Don't be so flargin' stubborn, Wraith.
Second best ain't that bad.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Whoa! Ooh! Oh! What the flarg, fish-face? [WHIMPERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Clear off, Wraith.
This is my bounty.
Not yet.
[GRUNTS.]
[CREAKING.]
Freeze, you Gunoovian slime rat! I set this thing to "expunge," and I got no idea what that even means.
Shh.
Don't you shush me, paleface! [CREAKING.]
[SIGHS.]
Allow me.
Wait.
[ROCKET.]
Whoa! Aah! Hey! - That's worth 50,000 units! - Aah! Note to self never use "expunge.
" Aah! [WHIMPERING.]
[SHOUTING.]
Pike, you still alive? I need you alive for the bounty.
Hmm, I have been better.
- Ah.
- Yes.
I am the best.
In your pasty face, Wraith! Wraith? Holy krutack.
What have I done? Curious.
I would never have mistook you for the remorseful type.
Hey, I got scruples.
Not a lot, but if I blow a hole in a guy, then I don't deserve to be the best.
Agreed.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
I told you, I am neither dead nor alive.
My body is animated by alien parasites.
There is no injury from which they will not repair me.
You lousy krutackin' faker! I ought to put ten holes in you! But first I got a bounty to collect.
How are you gonna get to Nova Corps? Watch me.
What in the blazes? You blithering fool! You didn't teleport us to Nova Corps.
You teleported Nova Corps to us! [ROCKET.]
At considerable expense, I might add.
[NOVA PRIME.]
I should have known you'd be involved in this debacle.
But this was all Wraith's fault.
Our scanners haven't picked up any additional life-forms.
That's 'cause he ain't alive.
You are going to spend the rest of your life paying to teleport this entire facility back to Xandar.
Eh, any chance I can use the bounty on this guy as a down payment? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Well, I guess I'd better get to work.
I'll bring it back! Soon as I collect a few more bounties.
Not if I collect the bounty on you, fuzzball.
[ANNOUNCER ON P.
A.
.]
Welcome to the Xandar Space Port.
For your safety, all unattended baggage will be immediately disintegrated.
I am Groot? Yeah, so? I am Groot? I gave at the office.
[SIGHS.]
Looking for a ride, buddy? We can get you anywhere.
For a price.
I am Groot.
I think we got a very special and wealthy passenger here.
Why don't you and I discuss terms while my partner readies our ship, huh? I am Groot.
Uh, we keep our ship away from the space port on account of it being so nice a ride.
Uh, we don't want to make others envious.
I am Groot.
Sleep tight, tree-man.
[CLATTER.]
Huh? [COUGHING.]
I am Groot! I am Groot! [GRUNTS.]
[GROANING.]
[COUGHS.]
What do we do with him now? Grab his unit tablet.
Take him back to the ship.
Dump him somewhere no one will find him.
[GROANING.]
I am Groot.
[INHALES, GROANS.]
I am Groot.
[GASPING.]
Uhh [GROANING.]
I am Groot.
[GASPING.]
[GROWLING.]
Ah.
I am Groot.
[GASPS.]
I am Gr [COUGHING.]
[WEAKLY.]
I am Groot Dad, look.
It must be some kind of alien visitor.
Oh, darling, you don't need another imaginary friend.
It's just some ancient wood carving.
[GROANING.]
We could put him in our field, use him to scare away the pests.
[CREATURES CHITTERING.]
[CHITTERING.]
Fine.
But we need to go.
I don't like the look of these jerboids.
Okay, Groot.
It's not just the big jerboids you got to look out for.
There's also the babies.
Only they're not after the water.
They want to eat our crops.
[GRUNTS.]
I am Groot.
For me? No one's ever given me a present like this.
Thank you.
[GROANS.]
I am Groot.
[CHITTERING.]
Get out! Get out, vermin! I ought to chop that thing up for cooking fuel.
Daddy, don't.
Groot made me this.
He only needs water.
Can't you see? What's the first rule of the desert? Never waste your water.
Because if you let even one drop out The jerboids will come.
Exactly.
But I think Groot needs the water.
Hmm.
He didn't mean it, Groot, about chopping you up for cooking fuel.
[SNORING.]
He won't miss a little water.
I am Groot.
Don't tell my dad, okay? Whoa! No! [GASPS.]
[CHITTERING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Aah! Run! What are you waiting for? Go! [PANTING.]
No! Get back inside! No, no, no, no, no! [SCREAMING.]
Get away from her! No! No! No! [PANTING.]
[YELLS.]
Daddy! Help! I am Groot.
Daddy! Help! I am Groot! [GRUNTING.]
[CHITTERING.]
Uhh! Aah! [YELLS.]
I am Groot.
I am Groot! [GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
I am Groot! [GROWLS.]
[THUMP.]
I am Groot! I am Groot.
I told you he just needed water.
Thank you, Groot.
Now can he stay? Of course he can stay.
I'm just not sure we have enough water for him and the crops.
[ROCKET.]
You know what it took to find you? I had to cut a swath across the entire Xandarian criminal underworld, and here you are frolicking at an open hydrant? Uh, friend of yours? I am Groot.
Groot's my friend, too.
Yeah, well, he's my business partner, and I might need to borrow some units from him.
Please don't go, Groot.
I am Groot.
[SNIFFLING.]
Me, too.
I am Groot.
Uh, I am Groot.
What do you mean, can we come back and visit? I am Groot? 'Cause we got to get back in business, that's why not.
Now let's pool our units.
Uh, I am, uh, Groot.
Wha You lost all of it? I am Groot.
That ain't the point! We're talking about the units you lost!