M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e06 Episode Script

[Murmuring.]
- [Trapper.]
Frank, not bad.
- [Hawkeye.]
We need some suction here.
- [Margaret.]
Suction.
- Clean that out.
I can't see it well.
And a small favor, Margaret? Could you run your body over my neck, please? - Hemostat, Doctor.
- And some disability pay from the army.
Or a pair of corrective shoulders for terminal stoop.
Oh, cut the cackle, huh? It's getting on my nerves.
As soon as I'm finished, Frank, I'll remove them for you.
One would think you would have a little consideration.
I've been up for - I've sent for some coffee, sir.
- Oh, you're a doll person.
After the war, I'm having a bust made of your head.
Or possibly the other way around.
Chest wound, Doctor.
Marine.
Just came in.
Take over here, will you, Phil? - Is this guy continued on the next table? - Check the I.
V.
Carotid artery.
Gimme some pressure here.
Vascular clamps.
All right, let's prep him.
Look at the size of that chest.
- You oughta see his mother.
- Am I gonna make it, Doc? I don't know how to tell you this, but you're gonna live.
Even though you might break our blood bank.
You can level with me, Doc.
I know it's curtain time.
Only until we meet again.
All right, now take a deep breath and we'll get you stationery so you won't have to write home on your chest anymore.
Good night.
Hey.
Hey.
Do you believe someone has actually ordered us a genuine spring day.
What a dirty, rotten trick to put it in the middle of a war.
I'm gonna put that sky on hold.
That's just a mural painted by the North Koreans to catch us off our guard.
Listen.
You and me, we're gonna grab a couple of nurses some of that torpedo juice and ptt head for the hills.
Sorry.
I'm heading for the nearest cot, alone.
Right after I get some new feet from supply.
Are you serious? After six months of freezing your noony you're actually gonna let a day like this go to waste? - [Chuckles.]
- Here's the coffee you sirs wanted, sirs.
You're a little late, Radar.
We ordered it last winter.
Give him time.
He takes baby steps.
Save mine.
And take my beautiful day.
I'm having it later.
[Airplane Passes Overhead.]
Uh, excuse me.
Isn't this, uh, Lieutenant Simmons's tent? - That's me.
- Oh.
I didn't recognize you without your parka and hood.
I've never seen you in your underneath before.
I mean, it must be the cotton balls.
Oh, well, I've usually got these on.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can't see a thing without 'em.
Oh, really? Oh, me too, neither.
Radar.
Tanning your tonsils, Radar? - Sir? - I'm going out and hit a couple of balls.
I just wanted to tell you that your anniversary issue of Archie Comics arrived.
And I evened your cot legs so you won't have to sleep on a slant anymore.
Oh, thank you, sir.
- Well, I guess that'll be all.
- Thank you.
Flare your nostrils for me, Frank.
I get so excited when you flare them.
Oh, Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited.
" - [Chuckles.]
- Funny thing war.
Never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Oh, Frank, we're so lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
Margaret let me press my ears against your lips.
Frank, we're not alone.
Huh? "Breathless, we flung us on the windy hill.
" - Hey, Klinger! - Shh! "Laughed in the sun, kissed in the lovely grass.
You said, 'Through glory and ecstasy we pass.
"' - Poetry, right? - Mm-hmm.
That's great the way they can rhyme and be hot at the same time.
Rupert Brooke.
I won him in a poker game.
Is that for me? Oh, yeah.
Came special delivery.
I thought it might be important.
I think it's from, uh Radar, do you know what this says? I couldn't help it, honest.
I held it up to the sun to shade my eyes and some of the words showed through.
[Laughing.]
[Continues Laughing.]
"They have known shame, who loved unloved.
"Even then when two mouths thirsty for each other find slaking.
" "Slaking"? Wow! I've appealed to him several times, Doctor.
He's not hurting the cat.
He just won't release it.
- Sorry I had to wake you.
- That's all right, Father.
The nurse I was dreaming was a rerun anyway.
Well, the cat's someone to love obviously.
He's over there.
- Where'd he get it? - Must havejust wandered into camp.
He refuses to let go, Doctor.
My mother had the same problem with me at the induction center.
Anything you want to talk about, soldier? I think the cat's got his tongue.
Hey, nobody wants to take him away from you.
You can hold him as long as you want.
You better bring in a psychiatrist.
This is out of my league.
- What's his name? - Fluffy.
- I mean the patient, Father.
- We don't know, Doctor.
They brought him in without dog tags.
Don't get too attached to this place.
It really stinks.
Even though a lot of people are sucked in by the lobby.
- Is that you, Doc? - I certainly hope so.
Well, Doc, you saved my life.
No one's ever done that before.
My guess is nobody's ever had to.
- Lyle Wesson.
- Hawkeye Pierce.
And I'm gonna need that back by tonight.
Hawkeye Pierce.
You're some kind of genius doctor.
And I'm gonna pay you back, Doc.
Anything.
You just name it.
If I draw you a picture, can you have her under my pillow by morning? I'm not kidding, Doc.
I'm gonna pay you back.
You'll see.
Okay, fine.
Okay, you just lie back and hope the bed can take it.
[Bed Creaks.]
[Klinger.]
Colonel Blake.
! Colonel! Colonel.
Special delivery.
[Panting.]
My girl Laverne, she said yes.
She agreed to marry me! Klinger, has she ever seen you? We've been dating since high school.
Of course she's seen me.
I mean, recently.
Sir, you gotta let me go, sir.
I just have to get married.
- You're not pregnant, are you? - Don't be ridiculous, sir.
Me? You're the one who looks like he just blew out of Gone With the Wind.
Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo.
Then a teeny, tiny, one-two-three honeymoon, then I'll be right back.
Everyone who believes that, stand on their head.
You saying I'm lying, sir? I'm saying you're so desperate to get out of Korea, you'd have yourself buried with a soda straw through the coffin so you could breathe.
Forget it.
Hey, Lulu, they got the volleyball schedule up.
Oh, great.
Who am I with? - Terrific.
We got Murphy on our team.
- Right.
Isn't that great? And Rogers.
Oh, Ghiardelli.
That's okay, hmm? ##[Loudspeaker: Big Band.]
Oh, Lieutenant Baker, I'm glad I bumped into you.
I was noticing on your file that you never answered Question 7 on your health card and we need to know.
So, uh, have you ever had cholera diphtheria, bubonic plague, jungle rot, or not? - Not.
- Not.
Okey-dokey.
Well, I'll get that off to Washington right away.
- That's my marine, right? - How'd you guess? We just had a total eclipse of the sun.
Hey, Doc, how you doing today? Everybody treating you okay? Oh, the laundry put too much starch in my cummerbund.
But outside of that.
I'll tell you something.
You're a good ol' guy, you know that? Oh, allow me.
- After you.
- Before me.
- Full house.
- That's what happens when Michelin gives you four stars.
Excuse me.
- Boys about done? - Nope.
You know my mom always told me to leave the table a little hungry.
That way you don't feel so stuffed, right? Yeah, right.
Two just opened up here, Doc.
Uh, we gotta get our food, Lyle.
Don't say that.
He'll skewer the cook.
Fellas, you just sit on down and relax and I'll handle everything.
- Two with everything.
- I'm busy, fella.
No, no, no, no.
I said two with everything now.
Everything is just what you're gonna get.
How do you feel about long engagements? "Dear Dad, I'm bringing home a marine.
He'll be the son you never had.
" - I think you'll enjoy this.
- I won't let you down.
Uh, I was wondering if I could ask you two sirs about some advice.
Well, what are parents for? Come on in.
Make yourself homely.
- Sit down.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Little irrigation? - Come again? - Drink, Radar.
- Oh, no, no.
What's your problem? And keep in mind, we can't work miracles with height.
Uh, well it's about this, um, woman.
A woman of the opposite sex, Radar? Yeah, uh, Lieutenant Simmons.
You know her? Nurse.
Simmons? Uh, short, freckles, fat glasses? I can't understand how you lost your job at the State Department.
Yeah, that's her usually, but you should see her without her parka.
- Can you arrange that? - I mean I didn't.
But, uh, she was wearing this little, uh uh A pair of hands? She was wearing two hands? Uh, no, it was a [Sighs.]
What's the diff? For all she knows I'm dead.
What don't you prove to her you're alive? Breathe in her face.
I can't because I'm ignoring her all the time.
- [Hawkeye.]
Why? - Because she's ignoring me.
Ah, but you ignored her first.
Yeah, that's because I'm trying to beat her to the ignore.
Radar, you're gonna cool yourself right out of business.
Why don't you let her know how you feel? Take her to the pictures.
- Wow.
That's a great idea.
- Thanks.
We invented it.
Yeah, we get a two cents royalty every time a guy asks a girl to a movie.
Thanks.
I'll ask her to the, uh l I'll ask her to the movies.
All righty, BS2XYZ, I gotcha.
That's 6:00 p.
m.
There, Righty-o.
Roger Wilco.
Over and out.
Ten-four and goom-bye.
Okay, Klinger, you're all set.
Colonel, I could kiss you.
! You do, and I'll chin myself on your nose.
You sure this radio thing's gonna work, sir? Klinger, BS2 is a ham operator in Des Moines, Iowa, right? Now he's gonna pick us up on his shortwave and call Laverne, your Laverne, at the chapel, collect in Toledo, so he can patch her phone into his radio which we can hear on our radio, in which Laverne can hear on her phone and her parents can hear on their extension.
- Simple? - It would have been simpler to let me go home for this.
If I let you go home, Klinger, the next time I'd see you you'd be a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall.
Go get shaved and get into your gown.
Yes, sir! [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Oh, excuse me, Lieutenant.
Uh, I'm measuring the camp.
Uh, you see, last year we had 2,986 square feet and this year we have 2,863.
And I have to figure out where we shrunk.
Uh, while we're on the subject, uh did you know that tonight's movie is First Born of Godzilla? - The what? - The First Born of Godzilla.
I saw the original before Godzilla ever got married.
Oh, well, I don't go in for movies much.
I'd rather just stay in and listen to some music or read some poetry.
Oh, uh, do you read poetry? - Why? Do you? - Oh, yeah.
I'm always browsing up on a new poem.
- Who's your favorite? - Uh, well, right now I'm interested in a new guy, uh, Ruptured Brook.
Boy, you guys bucking for a Section Eight really get my quills up.
You keep doing that just because you think we'll think it's strange.
Well, I'm here to tell you, you're not one bit stranger than I am.
Now, I'm going to count to five, and I want you to hand over that unauthorized cat.
One, two three, four.
Showing off for the patients again, Frank? Patient? Hmph.
He's not sick.
Just another one of those crybabies who's afraid to go back to the front.
Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They're a little short in the latrine.
Har-dee-har.
Look, we know you love the cat.
Nobody wants to hurt it.
You can come visit it anytime you want.
We'll take good care of it.
I promise.
Okay? Wanna give him to me? Come on.
You can trust me.
Lovely.
Thank you.
[Hawkeye.]
Okay, everybody, just keep calm and nobody will get hurt.
Especially me.
Now, let's be careful.
Don't break the doctor, okay? The cat and I have just talked it over, and he'd like to come back.
[Lyle.]
Hey, what the heck is going on here? Oh, just another fan gone wild.
Well, don't worry, Doc.
I'll get you out of here quicker than you can shake a stick.
No, Lyle, Lyle, don't hurt him.
Be gentle.
My life is in his armpit.
Easy, buddy.
Take it easy.
Mr.
Kwang, could we have some sedation here, please? You all right, Doc? Thanks, Lyle.
I guess that about makes us even in the lifesaving department.
- In fact, I owe you change.
- Oh, that was nothing.
I haven't even begun to pay you back yet.
What are you gonna do for an encore, make me immortal? Well, I like you, Doc.
I like doing things for you.
You're the greatest.
Lyle, underneath these exceptional good looks - lurks a really rotten person, really.
- Oh, come on.
I'm the kind of guy who gets a kick out of tying knots in varicose veins.
I once did a postmortem an hour before the patient was ready.
- [Simmons.]
Who is it? - Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.
I can go away if I'm bothering you.
Come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, uh, we just got a new shipment in and I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop by.
- Here's some candy.
- Oh, thank you.
I love chocolate even though it makes my face break out.
Mine too.
I mean, uh it did before I turned into a man.
Well, what's that? Poetry? Uh, uh-huh.
Well, sit down.
Read me a poem.
[Clears Throat.]
Well, I don't know if I should in mixed company.
I mean, they got stuff in here about, um you know, slaking and stuff like that.
Well, I'd love to hear some.
Okay.
I warned you.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, here's one.
[Clears Throat.]
"The damned ship" Oh, excuse me.
"lurched and slithered.
"Quiet and quick.
My cold gorge rose; "The long sea rolled, : I knew I must think hard of something "or be sick.
"Do I forget you? "Retchings twist and tie me.
Old meat, good meals, brown gobbets, up I throw.
" You don't give a girl a chance, do you? - What? - Oh, don't play coy with me, you heartbreaker.
Always standing off, playing hard to get while all the time you were looking right through me.
I didn't see anything.
Honest.
There ought to be a law against guys like you.
Uh, Lieutenant? You're bending the book.
Can you still hear me, Miss Esposito? Sure can, Father.
Loud and clear.
Oh, where were we? - She just said the part about being sick and poor.
- Oh, yes.
Then, do you, Laverne Esposito take this, uh, man Corporal Max Klinger, to be your lawful wedded husband? [Static.]
I d - What happened? - Oh, fishhooks.
Interference.
Well, find it.
Find it, damn it! Oh, sorry, Father.
It's a wedding, son.
I understand your anger.
- Well? - Just keep your garters on, Klinger.
And then you add a pound of shelled pecans and a bottle of lemon extract.
Um, KN5YVJ calling BS2XYZ in Des Moines.
Come in.
Over.
- [Static.]
- ##[Humming "Here Comes the Bride".]
- With our compliments.
- Hey, thanks.
That's really nice of you sirs to get dressed up.
It's from the States.
My grandfather was buried in this.
Oh.
I'm really touched.
I always thought so.
Look, lady, I'm a doctor trying to marry a soldier in the middle of a war.
That's sick! - [Henry.]
Hello? - A little more veil, please.
I can still see your face.
You want my recipe for never-fail corn bread? Lady, you are a piece of corn bread.
Scott! Zelda! Just in time.
- Out of our way.
- May I see your invitations, please? - Friends of the bride or the bride.
- You're out of uniform! I am not.
I'm with Fred Waring.
Disgusting! You have your nerve, wearing white.
Jealous? Doc, I've been looking all over for you.
Boy, you guys sure throw some weird parties, huh? It's our prom night.
These kids have been saving up all year for this.
Well, look it, Doc.
I'm shoving off tomorrow and I thought maybe I could have your home address.
Maybe we could be pen pals after the war.
Lyle, it it would just be boring for you.
I write everything in prescriptions.
Come in, Laverne, wherever you are.
I demand this wedding be stopped immediately.
- Oh, shut up, Major.
- Did you hear that? I certainly did.
Are you gonna let him talk to you that way? You're angry when you're beautiful.
Listen, big nose! What'd you call him? Button up, Frank, and zip up too.
Well, who are you ordering about, Mr.
Sassing-A-Major-Pants? I thought the doc told you to be quiet.
That's all right, Lyle.
He never obeys my commands.
What a report this is going to make.
That pervert marrying no one, a cat living in the hospital and this idiot insubordinating his big mouth whenever he pleases.
Uh, Frank, uh, I wouldn't, uh - Oh, shut up! - That's it! - Uh-oh.
- Frank! Let me go, you big moron! Put him down! You can't twirl an officer! - [Screams.]
- Oh, this is outrageous! I think he's had enough, Lyle.
We don't want his brain to rush to his head.
[Lyle.]
Apologize.
No report.
I do! I do! No report! Please! Honest! Lyle, you really got to stop doing things like that.
- It puts people off.
- Yeah, you're right, Doc.
I'm always doing the wrong thing.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's okay.
You're a big person.
You deserve bigger mistakes.
No.
Lyle bad person.
Does bad things.
No, you're not.
Lyle good.
Hawkeye bad.
Hey, hey, I think I've got her.
Is that you, pumpkin? - Yes, I'm here, baby.
- No, this Miss Esposito, ready? Would you repeat, "I do.
" - I do.
- And do you, Max Klinger - I do! I do! - You'd better hurry.
She's fading.
Bless, O Lord, this ring in Toledo that he who gives it and she who wears it may abide in thy peace.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
Amen.
- ## ["The Wedding March".]
[Cheering.]
Radar, what happened to you? I don't know.
I think I've been slaked.
[Thunderclap.]
Here's to the biggest cannon in the war.
And it's a comfort to know it's in Your hands.
We're safer with the rain, you know? One more lovely spring day like yesterday and we'll need a group lobotomy.
[Knocking.]
You guys got any books on poetry? Radar, come in here.
Your voice is getting deeper.
Your skin is clearing up.
Well, I got this friend.
- Who is she? - Who says it's a she? - Then who's he? - It's not a he.
Radar, there are only "he's" and "she's.
" Look, he's blushing.
I am not.
My cheeks are just red.
Aw, Radar, come on.
Tell your Uncle Trapper.
And your Aunt Hawkeye.
Why can't you sirs just act like sirs, sirs?