Metalocalypse (2006) s03e06 Episode Script

Domo Tokyo! I loves you Tokyo! I loves each and every ones of yyyyyy Where's ams l? Ams I beens kidnappeds? lm's worth lots of monies! I'll gives to yous whatsever you wants! Please don'ts kills me! I dos anythings Nobody can help you Oh gods no Whys me? Why don't you kills Dethkloks insteads? I'll leads you to thems! They're rich! I hardlys has any publishings anyways! Oh, why does Tokis always gets de bads luck? I just have one thing to say to you before I kill you (sobbing) Whats Haaaaaaappy Birthday!!! surprise! Oh wowee Happy Birthday Motherfucker!! Ha! Yous! We tricked you! Yous tricked me! We tricked you! Ohh the look on your fucking face! I thoughts I was goings to be murdereds That's the ideas You know? seriouslys though Tokis Happys Birthdays I really really thoughts I was going to die Welp Go get cleaned up We got tons of fun planned tonight And dude There's about a hundred sluts out there came over to fuck your brains out Oh wondersfuls Just what I needs More sluts Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! I'llteach you torock Dethklok, Dethklok skwisgaar skwigelf, taller than a tree Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee William Murderface Murderface Murderface Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo Nathan Explosion long flowing hair One of the most beautiful preop trannies I've ever seen (laughing) Oh no you didn't! Get another drink in me and l might take a crack at you myself What do we have here! The rest of Dethklok just hanging out What a treat! Pickles the drummer You know he's so high right now he thinks he's watching this on Youtube Ha!!!!! I actually do! And William Murderface What's it like spending all day hanging out with actual musicians? ( laughs ) All these years and nothing's rubbed off? Yeah! seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning Bass Player? His amp ( laughs ) And skwisgaar skwigelf, we got him right here You fuck more women than breast cancer ( laughs ) I'm kidding of course But back to Murderface, after selling Krillions of records it's refreshing to see that women still won't fuck you ( laughs ) skanky Crack whores who need the money, they're like, "no thanks" That's not true How about you over there? We've got Tonto in the building Why can't you use your magical lndian tracking skills to find some soap and water? ( laughs ) I can't tell if you haven't showered or if somebody's opening up a factory where they produce things that smell like shit ( crowd gasps ) Give him a round of applause He's good Dude, Toki, there you are We've been looking all over for you Hi Oh, takes them away please Pickle (beat) Please You heard him girls Hey, why'd you do that? They were all going to fuck your brains out I don't wants no more hots sluts Don'ts you gets it? They only wants us becuase we ams famous! Alls of this ams bullshits surroundeds by skankies golds diggers and sluts all day! How dare you say that about skanky gold diggers and sluts That is offensive shame on you Can'ts you see? I wants a real woman What are you talking about? I wants a womans Pickle A reals womans A womans whats can bears my childrens And I will does anythings I needs to finds her Women around the world have lined up to for a chance to meet and hopefully marry Toki Wartooth The lines are big and it's getting violent But do they even have a chance? And that's the Dethklok minute Hey Toki, that's pretty cool You got mentioned in the Dethklok Minute Thanks Nathans! But guys I'm nervous I don't even knows how to go abouts dis findings a lady business Oh Toki, that's cute That's precious You need some dating advice from your pals Dats would be very helpsful Pickle Ok Well, here's what you do to meet a lady, alright: you get your tour manager to find some chick and then when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick Yeah You pulls out your dicks Pulls out your Guys I'm talkings about a real dates here How is that not a real date? Yeah How is that not a real date Toki? A dateWheres you actuallys talks to a girl And she says stuffs and you ask each other questions and she talks backs to yous Questions? Wait a minute questions? Like when we're in court questions? Toki Look You need some lady advice, you've come to the right place ln my experience Pfft (laughs) I'm sorry Are you scoffing at me? Nopes (laughs) Okay Look I'm a little sick of this sick of what? Of people thinking l don't get any action That fucking comic talking all that shit! Well I'll have you all know that I do get laid Constantly Why are yous directings that at me? I didn't even says nothing Because I know what you think You think you're the king And you fucking aren't! I am King of getting laid! Murderface Ok Please, you don't have to prove things to us lt's fine Just No Fuck you pickles you smug asshole I can get any girl skwisgaar gets Any girl! You dicks doubt me? Huh? Yes Then I'll fucking prove it starting now I will sleep with as many girls as skwisgaar does Alright, fine You're on What are we going to do for proof? How about lady underpants and or recorded video and or audio testimonial Ok Fine lt's a bet! Alright Well, I'll gets out of heres I thinks I'll gets a head starts on humiliating yous Alright? Yeah Right I'm gonna get so much pussy that I might choke On it On the pussy On all that pussy I'm going to choke Yous guys makes me fuckings sick You're so revoltinglys shallows Alls of you I gots to go meets some peoples at a dating agency I'll see you laters pals!! Mr Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life ladymate partner Life Ladymates partner? Yes We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a one hundred percent guarantee Well, dat ams somes impressive numbers buts I'm looking not onlys for a friends but alsos a companion ands a mothers to my childrens Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, no no problem Dats it? Yes sir We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second Not to brag but I can pinpoint my fertility too All I need is some lotion and a little DsL quality internet and some napkins I'm kidding, of course Keep going I tolds yous you could comes in if you didn't ruins my meeting!! I think I'm enhancing the meeting Look sir? I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them so, uh, can we set up an account here or somethin? We don't do that here This is for life mates Damn This is not going to be easy Just waits in the fuckings lobby! sorry Gaaaah! You better find this guy some pussy because he is real Will you fuckings gets outta here?!?! Like I was saying, Our matches are accurate but we need information from you First off: looks, we know it's important that you be attracted to your partner so we want to make sure we know First off: I don't even wants her to knows I'm famous and I don't cares whats she looks likes! Looks am fleetins And I'm not some shallow dildos whats only cares about tits I wants a pures woman with consfidensk and a trues heart somebodys l cans talks to I get the idea I think we're done Thanks you so much! Thats ams wonderful news! Oh and Toki Like I said: we guarantee our results I can do everything that skwisgaar, I can get this lady, I can make them okay, calm down Hello everybody! surprise inspection! Right? Hi there missy Excuse me Mind if I get in there and check my myspace account I'm working actually Yeah just get a little comfortable here Just approve a couple comments I get a lot of crazy comments You're, probably a little star struck right now Just relax I'm trying to get some work done Relax, I'm just a regular guy I mean sure I'm a multi billionaire and I'm your boss so you know what that means if you wanna keep your job Aghhhhhhhh!!!! Ow ow ow!! Hellos? Mr Wartooth? Oh yes I have some very good news for you We found your ladymate Hey, they founds my ladymates! We found the lady you are going to spend the rest of your life with Her name is Caroline Bsijldfjo Oh wowee, that's greats news! Guys, I'm going on my big dates, wish me lucks! Good luck! I never mets you But I thinks I loves you You are the womans of my dreams Computers technologies brought us together And I thinks you're the ones for me I am Toki You ares Caroline And we mets onlines Because I'm gonna makes you mine And we probably gets married Probably has childrens Probably lives our lives togethers Probably dies togethers I am Toki Hi Hi Great date Oh Here's my fertility chart Oh lt's uh reallys? The fifteenth You'll have to keep it open The fifteenths? Oh That's when we'll have intercourse lnsterintsercourse? I means we just barelys met I like the name Wilthmore Or Donnington For whats? For our baby I've got to go Looking forward to our long long future together life mate Oh Don't forget, keep the fifteenth open so you can deposit your sperm into my vagina with your penis Ok Murderface, there's a sexual harassment lawsuit being filed against you by one of our employees at the online department What? Are you kidding me? That is fucking bullshit What is the world coming to? I didn't even get a chance to sexually harass her! Whether or not it's true is beside the point ln cases like these it's best to provide a lump payment (out of your pocket of course) and settle out of court Oh and you're going to have to attend a sexual harassment seminar A sexual harassment seminar's totally gonna interfere with me getting pussy I better not lose this bet because of this! I wonder if skwisgaar's even participating Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh Ohh ohh ohh ohhh so? How was the date? (lying) Oh great! Great! she's really the ones! Oh and what's a personality That's great, man! so when do we get to meet her? Nevers Ooooh I get it You're afraid we'll try to steal her away she must be something, Huh? she must be an angel huh? Like a gift from God Yups Hey, that's great so you really recommend this dating agency, huh? Oh not reallys no lt's uuuh, toos expensive lt's just ways toos expensives Dude, but I thought they picked awinner for you Hey I gots an ideas! How bouts nomore talkings about this? I havesto gos and meets with demsactuallys right now Good bye! Wow Never seen the kid so happy Hey, folks lt's me! FACEBONEs! Alright, Facebones! I'm here to tell you about a very serious issue: sexual Harassment in the Workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of lt takes the power away from the person being harassed and makes the harasser more powerful than ever I got fucking peppersprayed How, how does that give me power? Compliments in the workplace can easily become misconstrued and taken as flirtation And now, a short example ln this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism that will help guide him into behaving properly at work ls that a new belt? Yes lt is lt looks very good saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual advance Let's try that again ls that a new belt? Yes lt is That is good information to have saying something like "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy and make it seem like he's compiling information for a parking lot attack or home invasion And that's harassment! Ahhh! Fuck! Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward Now let's try that again ls that a new belt? Yes it is Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working Now let's watch again without all those confusing compliments Well done But what if our klokateer wanted to not make any compliments but instead, a fun joke Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives We're almost done folks We're rounding the corner to finishing up our sexual harassment fun marathon! And now some practical information Do not linger around in restrooms Keep your office door open so that people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there lf you get a boner during work, best to excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of things to remember to avoid getting caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit Here we goooo! Will this thing never end?!?!?! so I'm hearing that the date went really well Congratulations that's 20 Uhh First off thanks yous Howsever I thinks I may has been mismatched Possibys a mistakes on your behalfs? That is impossible Mr Wartooth Welps I mean I'm nots totallys sure I has made a truly solids connection with hers And wells, physicallysshe's uuuuh Ah ah ah ah Mr Wartooth You weren't concerned with her looks it says that right here on your papers Yes dats trues howevers Le's backs up a little bits: Hers personalities Her personality is adequate for your temperament Mr Wartooth Eladymates dot com guarantees its results We suggest that you go back and concentrate on making this work Well buts We suggest you go Fine! I'll gos and tries to makes it work but you know whats? Dis is Bullshits! Follow him And if he fails to fulfill his end of the contract hurt one of his loved ones And hurt his loved one where it hurts sir? Hurt him in his dick And his balls Which one? The guy Hello, hello, Mrs Johnson? Yes this is William Murderface from Dethklok, the bass player I'm offering a one time deal here only where I come over and fuck you Uh, interested? Yeah, I fuck you Yeah No, it's no joke I'm not screwing around! Ok well then could I purchase a pair of your underwear? Williams? Oh, fuck you lady! Thanks a lot Toki I was just about to get laid I'm sorrys Ah, it's fine I just ugh Time is almost up with this bet and I haven't really uh (to himself) I gotta have sex with at least one girl before it's over Can I confides in yous abouts somethings personals? Come on You can trust me Dis goils I don't thinks it ams workings out and I don't knows whats to does abouts it! Have you boned her? No But dats de things she really wants tos so! What the fuck! I'm sitting here having the dry spell of my life and the stakes are high And you're justoooh, this girl wants to fuck me and I don't know what to doooo! I should punch you in the face! Get the fuck out of my office! ( Door slams ) Ooh! Oh! Does she have a sister?!!! so this girl wants to get it on with you On de fifteenth Why is that important? That's when she says she ams ovulating and thats chances ams high for whats to be pregnants so she wants to have planned sex with you? sex designed to procreate Ugh Fucking gross You can't tell me when to have a boner That's MY business! And you know what else? Dis is whats she looks like Oh boy she looks like a gorilla whats been shaved Yeah Well, you're in the hot seat Look, you want advice? I got some for you When the fifteenth comes you just gotta to listen Right? Listens? You need to listen to your dick Toki Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do Alright? Listen to your dick Yeah Listen to your dick Listens to my dick! And also, don't ever get into a room you can't get out of ( knocks on door ) Hi Hi I went ahead and purchased some non animal lubricant in case my vagina refuses to self lubricate Oh Good thinkings ln the bathroom you'll find some medical penis soap I'd appreciate if you scrubbed down your penis Twice Oh What? You will? With me? Yeah I know that hotel! You'll let me video tape it?? Fuck yeah, man! see you then! Oh fuck yes! I'm gonna get laid Oh, thank you Craigslist!!! stupid medicinessmellings penis soaps lt's gross ( chipmunk voice squeaks ) Toki Who ams dis? lt's me Your dick Pickle told me to listens to you! Toki You must listen to me We can't have sex with that woman in the other room But we has to Or we will gets in trouble! Then you may as well chop me off I'm talking about saving your life lf you have sex with that woman you will be miserable forever ( Echo on ) 'ever, Toki? Why aren't you undressed? I'm gettings out of heres I'm listenings to my dicks this time and it says don'ts gets near you! You get over here and engage in intercourse with me! lt's the fifteenth! I don't care what numbers it is, I'm not going to dos it! I don't think so! Don't ever get into a room you can't get out of He didn't fulfil his end of the deal That's right, classic date Knock on the ole door pull out your dick! OWWWWW! I can'ts believes I wons I only had sex withs about four hundreds goils in likes two weeks And I wasn't even trying Yeah but we never got those final numbers back from Murderface Hey Murderface, how many girls you sleep with? None What's that? I said fucking none! I would've won if my dick weren't broken and splayed Not a level playing field Well there you go Yahs Anybodies seens Tokis? I think he's finally celebrating his birthday Dis ams a greats dates ladies