Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s03e06 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 6
Welcome to Glenbogle, heart of the highlands.
I take it you're working for Stella? - Sorry? - She always been great at motivating people, but getting them to stand out in traffic? She's really excelled herself.
We're here, henry.
Drive on.
Duncan: He said he was a colleague.
A colleague wouldn't drop by in a chauffeur-driven jag.
If you ask me, that's her boss.
I'll bet he's giving her a rocker.
If she's in trouble, we're all in trouble.
It's a family business.
They're set in their ways.
We sent you here to teach them some new ways.
You're meant to beat this lot, not join them.
It would be a shame to go native up here on your own, in this fresh air and fine scenery.
I hadn't noticed.
I'll be back in a week.
You ought to have something worth showing me by then.
Give them hell.
( theme music playing ) The bridge has been open for three weeks.
Since that time each of you has had an income target to achieve, and I want to hear progress reports.
Molly! Short breaks for people who want to paint watercolors? Ah, yes! Well, I built a subsection on the web site with an automated response routine, and I filled in lots about the friendly staff and hands-on activities.
How many replies have you had? Just one- a chap who thought we were a massage parlor.
( snickering ) Oh, yes.
That's hilarious.
Almost as funny as the cash flow figures.
Duncan, your job was to promote Glenbogle locally as a tourist destination.
Right.
yes I'm still evaluating the most cost-effective approach ( giggling ) For enhancing the ongoing thingy.
You're still out there waving like a loony at passing cars? If you get run over, it will save me the bother of firing you.
Hector! - Sorry? - Have you even been listening? Not really.
You seem to be discussing commerce.
A gentleman does not sully himself with anything so vulgar as trade.
As the eldest surviving member of the MacDonalds, I have the dignity of the clan to consider.
How much dignity will you or your clan have when you're living in a caravan park? Maybe I haven't made myself clear.
Time's up! Either we see some results this week, or I go back to a desk job, and Glenbogle goes under the hammer- it's that simple.
Archie! I've been in touch with several national newspapers, trying to stoke up interest in Glenbogle as a tourist destination, which is why we have a journalist from the Sunday Courier arriving this evening.
We have two days to show him what we have to offer.
This is our chance to put Glenbogle on the map.
A good write-up from him will not only impress the bank, but it will give us more business than we can handle.
That's excellent, Archie.
Thank you.
Now I shouldn't have to say this, but I will.
We treat this guy like royalty.
Anything he wants, he gets.
And if that means a piggyback up Ben Bogle, you all form an orderly queue.
What's his name? Lawrence, Graham Lawrence.
Graham Lawrence? Graham.
How did you know it was me? - Welcome to Glenbogle.
- It's magnificent.
Best kept secret in the highlands, here's hoping it will stay that way.
Thanks for coming to meet me.
I would have caught the bus.
Don't worry.
The next one's not until Tuesday.
Oh, Duncan.
Cheer up.
Think positively.
I am- I'm thinking I'm positively crap at this job.
So, Stella gave you a ticking off, she gave me one, too.
We've just got to get those visitors in.
Or what? Thanks for trying, but let's face it, she can hardly sack you, can she? This is my father, Hector MacDonald.
- Graham Lawrence.
- Delighted.
Heard you were coming.
What can we get you? A crate of something, or do you prefer cash? - Father, please.
- This is a journalist.
But that doesn't mean he's open to bribery.
But don't let that stop you from trying.
Let's soften you up with a glass of malt.
Sounds great.
And this our housekeeper, Lexie.
- hello.
- Hello.
Hello- you're Graham.
I'll put him in a suite.
Big double bed.
Plenty of room to maneuver.
( gagging, coughing ) Father, are you all right? ( gasping ) Fine.
I've been poisoned.
This isn't a single malt.
It's boiled bog water.
It's supersaver blended, 7.
99 a bottle.
This is Stella Moon, our financial controller.
Lucrezia Borgia to her friends.
- Stella.
- Hello, Graham.
- Fancy meeting you here.
- You know each other? - Graham: yes.
- Stella: No.
Sort of.
We're married.
Separated.
We'd be divorced, but Graham can't spell his own name.
Is this an ambush? Are you planning to throw me in a dungeon and feed me on scraps? Sadly, I'm not in charge of your accommodation.
Lexie: Hmm-mm.
Married? funny, she never mentioned that.
It was a whirlwind romance.
Marry at Gretna Green, repent at Carlisle.
I thought she was working for a bank.
Yes, she is.
I'm sorry, Graham, we really had no idea.
This must be terribly awkward.
Oh, no.
please.
I'm here to do a job.
You must treat me like any other visitor who has met his wife for the first time in three years.
Any chance of that whiskey? I'm afraid not.
I'm using it to clean the lavatory.
Yes, I'm married.
I used to wear a ring, but I accidentally threw it off the bridge.
You knew he was coming as soon as I mentioned his name.
I was hoping it was going to be a different Graham Lawrence.
It isn't.
It's your husband.
Since you didn't warn me, we're stuck with him.
What would you have done? Put him off, told him we got the dates mixed up, - got bubonic plague.
- To spare my feelings? No, to spare his.
Whatever went on between you is none of my business, but this is about Glenbogle.
Be polite to him.
I'm sure he'll do his best to be objective.
Seems like a decent bloke.
You're not a very good judge of character, then! Obviously not.
That was an amazing dinner.
I'm looking forward to this haggis flambe.
- Stella's rationed the brandy.
- That's our Stella.
Always had to keep a lid on the fire.
Here we go.
- Can I help you? - Oops! I must have got the rooms mixed up.
Understandable.
I've only been here two months! Tell you what, why don't you two just share? Seeing as you're here- and you're married.
Are we short of rooms, suddenly? Just trying to save on laundry bills.
Never mind.
This was your idea? Weekends away with someone you hate, they're the next big thing.
I still have your picture by my bed, scares off burglars.
I used to have a little statue of you, but I threw it away.
I couldn't fit any more pins into it.
I didn't know country pursuits included sniping and unarmed combat.
Well, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest man alive.
Shut the door when you leave.
Yes! a booking for a party of five.
Oh- for the year after next.
That's hardly going to impress Stella.
- Oh, holy mother.
- What? It's the advertising rates for the local paper.
Nobody reads it.
They use it to wrap chips in.
Can't you afford an advertisement? Aye, maybe.
If I sell a kidney.
You'll have to ask Stella for the money.
I'd rather sell the kidney.
Lexie: I'll get that.
Graham: I can manage.
You're rushed off your feet as it is.
Would you like more of anything? I'd like more of everything.
The food is just fabulous.
Did you sleep well? Bed's not too lumpy? It was a bit big- and empty.
So, Stella didn't pay any midnight visits then? I did feel a chill, but that was a draft from the window.
( giggling ) She's probably keeping you in suspense, making you suffer.
Tell me about it.
I married her.
So, what happened? ( sighs ) Well she cared more about her career than about us, and more about her clients than about me.
I suppose she spends a lot of time with Archie? Another condemned man eating a hearty breakfast.
Graham, I'm Golly.
I'll be taking you out for a bit of fishing.
You know anything about flies? Oh, yes.
All my trousers have them.
Ah right.
Ah, Brian, dear boy, you're a sight for sore eyes, and parched palates.
One crate of assorted single malts.
Splendid.
Where do I sign? You don't.
do you have a purchase order for this? - Purchase order? - Stella! really! Mr.
MacDonald's word has always been good enough for us.
I'm amazed your firm is still in business.
Take it back.
We're not signing for it.
Do you expect me to drink that battery acid you bought? Thanks, sorry about the mix-up.
bye.
Hector: This is outrageous! Brian's been delivering my malts for years.
I know, my bank's paying for it! The only way we're gonna get our money back is if we put your liver on display as a medical phenomenon! How dare you! Can't a gentleman have a glass of half-decent whiskey in the evening? Certainly, if a gentleman's willing to work for it, which you seem totally unwilling to do- or are you just incapable? I am going for a walk.
I may be some time! Take back the empties while you're at it! You are still into blood sports up here, then? - Duncan: Stella- - what?! Nothing.
Another advert? No, a letter of resignation.
Oh, Duncan.
There's no need for that.
You're right.
I can always call her from the job center.
Why don't you try niche marketing? There's no point.
She's only six months old.
Who is? My niece.
No, I mean, you find where the customers are and then you target them directly.
( softly ) Oh.
Oh! Golly: Remember, a lot of the action is in the wrist.
That's it.
remember, try to blend in with the river.
Very zen.
Oops! ( chuckles ) Try not to blend in that much.
Has Stella tried this? She looks like she needs to lighten up a bit.
No, the bank's on her back.
Graham: Same old story.
So tied up with work, life just passes her by.
How long were you two together? Two years.
Seems like longer, it was so intense.
Just try it over there.
There.
Graham: We were young.
We were both a bit nuts.
If I had my time again, I'd do exactly the same.
Love like that- it's the most amazing rush.
Could never last, more's the pity.
So, would you two like to get back together? Nah! We've burned our bridges.
We got plenty of experience mending bridges 'round here.
That right, Archie? Yep.
Duncan: Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round.
Visit Glenbogle House, - in the heart of- - never heard of it! A magnificent, stately home by Glenbogle loch.
Every stone soaked in history.
Is this one of them? If you fancy a tour, there's a coach leaving in 10 minutes from in front of the post office.
You don't want to hang around here.
Too much litter.
Hang on, I was here first.
It's not a question of being first.
It's a question of being the best.
Leave the tour business to professionals, eh? View the highlights of the highlands from a fully heated coach, with panoramic views, and an expert guide.
Hang on! I can give you a tour of the highlands, in a four-wheel drive with heating, and a radio.
If you don't mind helping him change that wheel first.
What's all this? I thought that Graham and Stella could have a wee you know, tete-a-tete.
And Stella's agreed to this? No, not exactly.
You haven't told her yet? Did you two have plans? No.
actually, I think it's a good idea.
I'll talk to her.
No, Archie, I'll have to listen to him.
And I can't, not even for your precious Glenbogle.
It's dinner, that's all.
I don't think it's gonna be that bad.
What do you mean? What's he been saying? Forget about Glenbogle.
Do it for yourself.
If this works out, we will be beating off customers with a big stick.
Lexie's doing trout the way you like it.
Mm, plenty of strychnine on his.
( sighs ) Excuse me.
I have to get changed.
( sighs ) I knew it was too good to last.
Archie seems to think you'd appreciate my company.
That Archie, he's such a wag.
Whatever happened between us, don't take it out on the people here.
They don't deserve it.
There is such a thing as journalistic ethics.
I knew that, I didn't know you knew that.
I've never mixed my business with my personal life.
Stella: Oh, no, you're a consummate professional.
All those diaries of your conquests don't count.
How did they go again? There was anna- "three out of 10 for technique, 10 out of 10 for enthusiasm.
" Then there was julie from accounts, and suzy from the take-away.
Graham: They were diaries.
You weren't supposed to read them.
Those women certainly weren't.
But of course, you had to copy them and pass them around.
Everyone's entitled to read their own appraisal.
I've paid for my sins.
We both made stupid mistakes.
Yeah, you were mine.
Mine was making the one woman I ever really loved hate my guts.
Now, I've gone and told her.
Father.
There you are.
Of course, I am.
I belong here.
I'm like that house, a crumbling old ruin, expensive to run, and serving no purpose.
Stella was too harsh on you, but she's got her own problems.
She was right.
I am an aristocrat.
No marketable skills.
I'm a relic, a figurehead on a sinking ship.
Come inside, and have a drink.
Hah! that mouthwash she calls whiskey? There are more dignified ways of ending it all.
That is enough! You are a MacDonald, the elder of a fighting clan.
We have never been driven out by fire, sword or siege, and we will not be defeated by spreadsheets.
I won't have this pathetic maudlin defeatism.
Don't bark at me, boy! You aren't too big to go across my knee.
That's more like it.
We'll find a job for you, even if it's frightening away the tourists.
Now, come inside before the midges suck you dry.
I promised I'd never admit this, but the worst thing is seeing you so happy, and successful.
I could kick myself, knowing that I'll never be a part of that now, not like Archie.
Archie? I've seen the way he looks at you.
( gasps ) You always had a lively imagination.
I'd never spoil it for you.
I've already hurt you enough for a lifetime.
What happened back then with you and that businessman, it was my fault.
I was selfish, and I was cruel.
I drove you to it.
Forgive yourself even if you can't forgive me.
You have every right to despise me.
I don't know why you didn't push the divorce through ages ago.
Why didn't you? I never got around to it.
Super-efficient Stella skimping on the paperwork? I don't think so.
You don't want to say it's over, because it isn't.
I'm really tired.
Remember that poem at our wedding? "I have spread my dreams under your feet-" don't.
"Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
" ( sniffling ) ( sobbing ) ( knocking at door ) ( beeps ) Hi.
I just came to turn down your bed.
No woman has ever turned down my bed.
Except Stella.
I don't know what that girl wants.
She won't have me back, but she won't say it's over.
- It's torture.
- That's Stella for you.
What time do you finish? That's me finished now.
why? I could use some company, just to talk.
Maybe have a nightcap? Okay, I'll ask Archie to pop in.
Archie? I'm up at 5:00.
Got to sweep those chimneys.
Maybe I should do some work on my article.
Fine.
happy typing.
Stella: Money for photocopying? So you've given out all 200 fliers? Duncan: Not exactly they sort of flew away.
Stella: So far your marketing campaign has cost us 160 quid, including a new tire for the Land Rover, and what have you got to show for it? Building brand awareness? By leaflets in the local sheep? You're fired! Your services are no longer required.
Don't feel bad about it.
In five days, we'll all be out of a job.
- You're not fired.
- Archie! You're gonna go out there and make it happen.
- No second chances! - Go on.
go.
I have had just about enough of this.
First you bite my father's head off, and then you try to fire Duncan for doing the best he can with nothing.
Face it, the problem is Graham.
You have to solve that problem.
- Archie! - Not now, mother.
It's Hector.
His bed hasn't been slept in.
( sighs ) All right you take the grounds, stop by the loch.
- I'll take the pick-up.
- What about Graham? I'm supposed to give him a watercolor lesson this morning.
Stick to that.
We are gonna find my father.
come on.
On your bike, son.
These punters are taken.
We don't have to waste our energy competing.
Why not make Glenbogle a stop on your tour? That dump? But it's got everything your customers want.
It's got beautiful grounds and a visitors' center, with souvenirs and crafts- and all the usual.
It's amazing the rubbish these people will buy.
It would be good business for all of us.
- Why should I? - Like I said- never mind that nonsense.
Why should I bring my punters, desperate to blow their hard-earned pennies to your place? Much obliged, donald.
What? did you think I brought them here for the food? Humph- it's disgusting.
I can't afford backhanders.
But maybe when we get up and running good luck getting business.
You'll need it.
Graham: This week has been a revelation.
Molly: I hope you tell that to your readers.
Sorry, I'm being forward.
Not at all.
I've already finished the first draft.
I think you could safely call it a "rave.
" Tate Modern, here I come.
All you need now is the berry.
Well, thank you.
He hasn't been here and he's not hiding at Kilwillie's- Archie, I've got better things to do than hunt down "Bonnie Prince Hector.
" You should've thought of that before you laid into him.
I know you're under a lot of pressure, Stella, but so is he.
He's an old man, not some dodgy client creaming off the business account.
Did you ever have a week when everything that could go wrong, did? Have you ever been to Glenbogle? My boss thinks I've lost my touch, and he's probably right.
Now Graham appears asking me to take him back.
When I married him, I was making a commitment.
He was making contingency plans.
He just carried on drinking and carrying on.
After months of misery, I made this stupid mistake.
You don't have to tell me this.
I slept with a client once.
Graham found out, and the bank found out and I had to quit.
So I moved to Lascelles and started again.
I only lost a few years' promotion and all my self-respect.
Now I'm making the same mistakes again.
Oh, come on.
You haven't slept with a client.
I might as well have.
I can't make Glenbogle pay its way because I've got too close to the business.
I'm going to get fired, and I'm going to deserve it.
You always seemed so certain of yourself, so in control.
I never realized that you were so- - screwed up? - No, human.
You can't give in, Stella, not now.
You're not alone.
You've got all of us behind you.
We won't let them railroad you.
What about Glenbogle? Glenbogle's nothing without its people.
I'm afraid you're one of us now.
But I won't tell them that if you don't.
- let's get some lunch.
- What about Hector? We'll dig a big pit, drop in a bottle of malt, and have him back by sundown.
( chuckles ) We can eat at the bar.
Why don't you order something? I'll find a phone and call in.
Hector: Now note the rich amber color, the drops that stick to the side.
Precious oils, the soul of the dram.
( sniffs ) Mmm, strong personality, well-seasoned and mature.
Hello, Hector.
( sighs ) Is there anywhere safe? I'm sorry I was a bit hard on you.
No, you weren't.
Perfectly natural to expect me to earn my own keep.
I'm just good for nothing.
In that hat, we could always hire you out as a scarecrow.
Father, where have you been? Did you know this place has 35 single malts? I'm gently working my way through them.
- Come on home.
- There's the small matter of the bill.
Stella, you are the soul of generosity and forbearance.
Lead the way, Archie.
( low ) Get a move on.
What was he doing with the stuff, bathing in it? ( sighs ) What's the use? They just follow him like sheep and he fleeces them.
"The art of war"? A lot of useful advice in there for the aspiring businessman.
"Employ deception.
Although you are competent, appear incompetent.
" - I can manage that.
- Keep going.
"A bushel of your enemy's provisions is worth 20 of our own.
" Sheep stealing, Duncan, has a long and noble history.
Where do you think the aristocracy started? ( clock chimes ) ( knocking at door ) Come in.
Here we are.
Dinner's in an hour, and I've run you a bath.
Is that our report? Oh-hh, any chance of a back rub? Stella's still out with Archie.
- When the cat's away- - your bath's getting cold.
What are you doing here, Lexie, waiting on these inbred aristos with their idiot retainers? You're far too bright and beautiful to live in this hole.
I'm on the run from the police.
Really? I took an axe to my boyfriend when I found out he was married.
Dinner's in an hour? Dress informal.
For goodness sake, I just went for a walk.
- Didn't think I'd need a note from the prefect.
- You had us worried sick.
Why exactly? Apart from providing endless hours of amusement, - what am I good for? - Molly: oh, Hector.
Lexie, what are you doing with Graham's laptop? Not much, it's password-protected.
That's his private property.
The man is a guest.
The man is a creep.
I don't trust him.
He said he'd give us a rave review.
He said I lived in a hole with a bunch of "inbred aristocrats.
" Now, anyone want to make a guess at the password? - Try "stallion.
" - Excuse me? Don't ask.
Okay "stallion.
" - ( beeping ) - bingo! "Fawlty McTowers.
" That doesn't sound very good, does it? "Glenbogle offers scottish hospitality, with the emphasis on hospital.
" "It has the allure of an under-funded geriatric ward.
" I'll kill him.
"The ghillie's endless yarns and shortbread philosophy can't quite disguise his ignorance of the dreary countryside.
The so-called "highland cuisine" is mostly overripe game burned to a crisp.
The best you can say for it is that it's unique.
" - Oh, cute.
- "advance booking is not advised as the place is near bankruptcy.
In fact, it would have closed long ago had their bank manager not succumbed to Glenbogle's dubious charms.
" I should have known.
He's doing this to get back at me.
If he hurts you, he hurts all of us.
I suggest we tar and feather him and send him packing.
No, slice him open and feed his tripes to the fishes.
That's not exactly good publicity.
It's a big estate.
Who's gonna know? We can't stop him writing the article.
Can't afford a lawsuit or an injunction.
So we're stuffed? Golly you are taking him out tomorrow- - with pleasure, boss.
- No, I don't mean- I mean, take him out for a walk.
Keep him busy while I while I think of something.
- Are we eating in here? - Oh, Graham! no, no this is a staff meeting.
Just making sure everyone is doing their bit to keep you happy.
How about a drink? Give us the courage to get through supper.
But I love Lexie's cooking.
( chuckling ) ( door closes ) Ah, Graham, it's yourself.
I hope you've broken in those boots.
We've quite a bit of walking to do.
I'm looking forward to more stories.
Oh, no, son.
No tall tales today.
I think it's time you had a real taste of the highlands.
And don't forget your highland cuisine.
Lexie I love the way you handle my lunch box.
( giggles ) Behave! Graham! A drop of the local specialty? One swig and you'll be able to bring down a stag with your bare hands.
Hector, you are better than a St.
Bernard.
( chuckles ) Golly, can I have a minute? Golly: sure.
I just wanted to say have a good day.
I don't have to go on this hike.
Oh, no, you must.
I've got the books to do.
Let's talk when you get back, okay? Look after him for me, Golly.
Oh, I will.
I know how dangerous the woods can be.
Rest stop.
If you're not back in 10 minutes, we leave without you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tour starts in one minute, so finish up, please.
What happened to the other driver? Dodgy scotch.
Very nasty.
You don't want to know.
Come on, folks.
Stella: He knew I was here.
Look.
He wrote an anonymous letter to my boss about why I left mersey commercial.
It was no coincidence at all, his coming here.
He's been looking for revenge ever since I left him.
When you wrote him, it gave him the perfect opportunity.
First, he tips off the bank, then he slates Glenbogle.
We go bust, and you get fired.
Your old man really knows how to bear a grudge.
I wondered why you never trusted anyone.
You had good reason.
I never meet anyone I could trust until- what are those? Notes for Graham's article- the revised version.
- Are you going to write it? - And e-mail it in.
So when he comes to submit the real one - he'll be too late.
- You hope.
If you've got a better plan, I'm all ears.
You dictate, I'll type.
( game bird clucks ) Get down.
Lie down, you're spooking him.
Just a wee bit of mud.
( cocks gun ) Oh, dear, they heard us.
Come on.
Are you sure this is mud? ( sniffs ) Aye, you're right, Graham.
Well spotted.
Probably some fox marking his territory.
Och, well, it'll cover up the smell of your aftershave.
Come on.
"Among Glenbogle's eccentric charms-" what's wrong with "outstanding attractions"? - We can't gush.
- Why not? we need the business.
We have to keep some semblance of objectivity.
"Among Glenbogle's eccentric charms are its colorful staff-" "is its colorful staff.
" Staff is singular.
- No, it's not, it's plural.
- It's a collective noun.
- It's singular.
- Who's writing this article? Graham! his grammar's awful, so yeah, have it your way.
- That's an idea.
- What? You could hire me as a life model for your painting courses.
I don't think there'll be much of a demand for you to get your kit off.
There's not much of a demand, anyway.
Maybe they'd pay me to keep it on? It's not bad.
"And I highly recommend-" " warmly recommend it.
" "Warmly recommend it.
" - 500 words.
- Probably needs a bit of polishing.
Definitely needs a bit of polishing.
How long is Graham gonna be out there? - I'll plug us in.
- Where shall I send it? - Find the e-mail address of his paper.
- Yes, got it.
- Come on, come on - voice: hello? - Can't be back already? - Stall him.
No, don't- that switches it off.
Oh- Duncan, what do you want? Am I still fired? Duncan: Sorry about the short notice.
"You must strike when the foe is not prepared, - and attack when he does not expect.
" - Duncan, you did it! Well, I got them here.
What do I do with them now? Send them back from whence they came.
Give them a guided tour, of course.
Better warn Lexie.
She'll be feeding the multitudes.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Glenbogle, the historic seat of the MacDonald clan for more than 500 years.
The house, as you see it today, is a legacy of our victorian forbearers, who wanted to capture the spirit of medieval architecture.
While these towering battlements have never seen war we nearly there yet? Oh, not far.
We're almost halfway.
Halfway? Get some food inside of you.
That'll keep your energy up.
Ah, a fine view, Graham.
There are some people who think this countryside is dreary.
Hard to believe, eh? Yeah, fabulous.
What is this stuff? I think I'm gonna be sick.
( retching ) ( coughing ) Any more of that soup? It was wonderful.
I always say if they don't have a price, you can't afford them.
- Molly: I'm sorry? - The watercolors.
- They are for sale, aren't they? - oh, yes, of course.
That one is £30.
£30? do you take checks? We take anything we can get.
Man: the taste of the highlands.
It will just sit on the shelf, with the plum brandy.
Can I help at all? My husband insisted on buying this whiskey in the village.
I thought it looked authentic.
May I? Oh, yes.
12-year-old Strathmona.
A fine malt.
Don't waste it on your friends.
He won't drink it.
I'm still trying to acquire the taste.
A palate that can't appreciate a single malt is in sore need of education.
Come with me.
- We'd love to, but- - no "buts.
" this way.
You're taking us round in circles.
I'm sorry, son.
I know so little about the countryside, it all just looks the same to me.
I see, that's very cute.
I suppose Stella put you up to this? I enjoyed your article.
I hope they print it on nice absorbent paper.
I'm going back.
- I wouldn't go that way.
- You think I'm gonna listen to you? You'll be able to say now that you've really tasted the highlands.
( sputters ) All aboard please, ladies and gents.
Thank you so much.
Do tell your friends.
He was right.
You know you could taste the peat and the notes of smoke- and the smell of heather.
It was Scotland in a glass.
We didn't drink all that, did we? Where's the rest of it? Still in his decanter.
Bye, do come again.
Hector: They were quite well-behaved, for a rabble.
I think I'll give up tuition.
Painting for oneself is much more rewarding.
This is the best view of the loch.
What on earth is that? Ughh! Hikers.
They go in the woods, get lost for weeks on end and go mad- completely.
Tragic.
I'm glad we stuck with a guided tour.
What have you done with him? Is he not back yet? Well, he won't starve.
He's got Lexie's sandwiches.
( chuckles ) You are finished.
Once they run my piece, you'll be lucky if rats stay here.
And you will be back in your polyester twin set flogging mortgages over the phone.
It's not over until I say it's over, sweetheart.
You think you can rip my life to bits and then just walk away? Oh, Graham, grow up! - We lived up to your review.
- Think that was a bad review? - You should see the latest draft.
- actually, we have.
We've sent it off for you- with a few amendments.
( phone rings ) Hello, Glenbogle House.
Yes, who's calling? Oh, you got it? Good.
It's your editor, calling to say thanks for the article.
You might want to leave him well alone.
He won't be too impressed if he hears you were writing a libelous report just to spite your ex-wife.
He can't speak at the moment.
Can I take a message? His best piece to date? really? Going out this Sunday? He'll be delighted.
You'll be seeing him soon.
In fact, he'll be leaving shortly.
I caught up on that paperwork you asked about.
What do you know? I am a soon-to-be published journalist.
There's nothing to brag about, Archie.
( door slams ) Stella: I have to admit it, Duncan.
You came up with the goods.
- well done.
- Thanks very much.
How much did we clear on the tour? How much did you charge them? You allowed for the meal? Yes.
Actually, it was sort of- - what you would call- - a pilot scheme? - A loss leader.
- A what?! Ah, you're here.
Mr.
Sweeney to see you.
Sit! Can I help you? I might have known.
This fella took a party of my punters around here, after somebody locked me in the toilet.
I see.
How obliging of him.
The thing is a lot of them want to come back with their friends.
I was wondering if we might come to some sort of arrangement? Give Mr.
Sweeney a seat.
The thing is, any tour would have to include a malt-tasting course.
I'm sorry? The old codger who teaches people whiskey-tasting.
I've got six punters down for a session already.
Get Hector back in here, please.
Yes, ma'am.
I still can't believe it.
50 quid a throw, and they bring the whiskey.
All I have to do is drink it and talk about it.
If I give you 50 quid, will you shut up about it? I think it's wonderful.
I'm thrilled for you.
As I've always said, there's dignity in honest toil.
I thought a gentleman would "never sully himself with anything so vulgar as trade.
" ( chuckles ) Tasting whiskey is not trade, Alexandra, it's an art form.
I, like my lovely wife, am an artist.
Aye.
we all know what sort of artist.
- Precise- - ( chuckles ) They cut my line about "highlands of the heart.
" I told you it was cheesy.
It was not.
It was poetic.
It's still a great review.
It is, isn't it? And extremely well typed.
Maybe you'll stop fretting about our prospects, relax a little.
I will, when the books stop bleeding all over my desk.
There you go again.
How many times do I have to tell you? Glenbogle is not just a business, it's our home.
There you go again.
Thanks to you, it'll be a home for years to come.
- Thanks to you, too.
- We make quite a team.
Yep, me as the brains- I thought I was the brains.
You're the brawn.
Thanks for protecting me, Archie.
Sorry.
I thought you didn't want to make the same mistakes.
There he is.
He's in here.
- What do you think? - "Promising cooking"? - What does it promise, exactly? - "Venerable," Archie? What's that supposed to mean? It makes me sound senile.
"Molly's painting is full of grace and serenity.
" If you think I wasted my three years at the slade, why didn't you say so? Hector: I'm not even mentioned! ( all yelling ) ( theme music playing )
I take it you're working for Stella? - Sorry? - She always been great at motivating people, but getting them to stand out in traffic? She's really excelled herself.
We're here, henry.
Drive on.
Duncan: He said he was a colleague.
A colleague wouldn't drop by in a chauffeur-driven jag.
If you ask me, that's her boss.
I'll bet he's giving her a rocker.
If she's in trouble, we're all in trouble.
It's a family business.
They're set in their ways.
We sent you here to teach them some new ways.
You're meant to beat this lot, not join them.
It would be a shame to go native up here on your own, in this fresh air and fine scenery.
I hadn't noticed.
I'll be back in a week.
You ought to have something worth showing me by then.
Give them hell.
( theme music playing ) The bridge has been open for three weeks.
Since that time each of you has had an income target to achieve, and I want to hear progress reports.
Molly! Short breaks for people who want to paint watercolors? Ah, yes! Well, I built a subsection on the web site with an automated response routine, and I filled in lots about the friendly staff and hands-on activities.
How many replies have you had? Just one- a chap who thought we were a massage parlor.
( snickering ) Oh, yes.
That's hilarious.
Almost as funny as the cash flow figures.
Duncan, your job was to promote Glenbogle locally as a tourist destination.
Right.
yes I'm still evaluating the most cost-effective approach ( giggling ) For enhancing the ongoing thingy.
You're still out there waving like a loony at passing cars? If you get run over, it will save me the bother of firing you.
Hector! - Sorry? - Have you even been listening? Not really.
You seem to be discussing commerce.
A gentleman does not sully himself with anything so vulgar as trade.
As the eldest surviving member of the MacDonalds, I have the dignity of the clan to consider.
How much dignity will you or your clan have when you're living in a caravan park? Maybe I haven't made myself clear.
Time's up! Either we see some results this week, or I go back to a desk job, and Glenbogle goes under the hammer- it's that simple.
Archie! I've been in touch with several national newspapers, trying to stoke up interest in Glenbogle as a tourist destination, which is why we have a journalist from the Sunday Courier arriving this evening.
We have two days to show him what we have to offer.
This is our chance to put Glenbogle on the map.
A good write-up from him will not only impress the bank, but it will give us more business than we can handle.
That's excellent, Archie.
Thank you.
Now I shouldn't have to say this, but I will.
We treat this guy like royalty.
Anything he wants, he gets.
And if that means a piggyback up Ben Bogle, you all form an orderly queue.
What's his name? Lawrence, Graham Lawrence.
Graham Lawrence? Graham.
How did you know it was me? - Welcome to Glenbogle.
- It's magnificent.
Best kept secret in the highlands, here's hoping it will stay that way.
Thanks for coming to meet me.
I would have caught the bus.
Don't worry.
The next one's not until Tuesday.
Oh, Duncan.
Cheer up.
Think positively.
I am- I'm thinking I'm positively crap at this job.
So, Stella gave you a ticking off, she gave me one, too.
We've just got to get those visitors in.
Or what? Thanks for trying, but let's face it, she can hardly sack you, can she? This is my father, Hector MacDonald.
- Graham Lawrence.
- Delighted.
Heard you were coming.
What can we get you? A crate of something, or do you prefer cash? - Father, please.
- This is a journalist.
But that doesn't mean he's open to bribery.
But don't let that stop you from trying.
Let's soften you up with a glass of malt.
Sounds great.
And this our housekeeper, Lexie.
- hello.
- Hello.
Hello- you're Graham.
I'll put him in a suite.
Big double bed.
Plenty of room to maneuver.
( gagging, coughing ) Father, are you all right? ( gasping ) Fine.
I've been poisoned.
This isn't a single malt.
It's boiled bog water.
It's supersaver blended, 7.
99 a bottle.
This is Stella Moon, our financial controller.
Lucrezia Borgia to her friends.
- Stella.
- Hello, Graham.
- Fancy meeting you here.
- You know each other? - Graham: yes.
- Stella: No.
Sort of.
We're married.
Separated.
We'd be divorced, but Graham can't spell his own name.
Is this an ambush? Are you planning to throw me in a dungeon and feed me on scraps? Sadly, I'm not in charge of your accommodation.
Lexie: Hmm-mm.
Married? funny, she never mentioned that.
It was a whirlwind romance.
Marry at Gretna Green, repent at Carlisle.
I thought she was working for a bank.
Yes, she is.
I'm sorry, Graham, we really had no idea.
This must be terribly awkward.
Oh, no.
please.
I'm here to do a job.
You must treat me like any other visitor who has met his wife for the first time in three years.
Any chance of that whiskey? I'm afraid not.
I'm using it to clean the lavatory.
Yes, I'm married.
I used to wear a ring, but I accidentally threw it off the bridge.
You knew he was coming as soon as I mentioned his name.
I was hoping it was going to be a different Graham Lawrence.
It isn't.
It's your husband.
Since you didn't warn me, we're stuck with him.
What would you have done? Put him off, told him we got the dates mixed up, - got bubonic plague.
- To spare my feelings? No, to spare his.
Whatever went on between you is none of my business, but this is about Glenbogle.
Be polite to him.
I'm sure he'll do his best to be objective.
Seems like a decent bloke.
You're not a very good judge of character, then! Obviously not.
That was an amazing dinner.
I'm looking forward to this haggis flambe.
- Stella's rationed the brandy.
- That's our Stella.
Always had to keep a lid on the fire.
Here we go.
- Can I help you? - Oops! I must have got the rooms mixed up.
Understandable.
I've only been here two months! Tell you what, why don't you two just share? Seeing as you're here- and you're married.
Are we short of rooms, suddenly? Just trying to save on laundry bills.
Never mind.
This was your idea? Weekends away with someone you hate, they're the next big thing.
I still have your picture by my bed, scares off burglars.
I used to have a little statue of you, but I threw it away.
I couldn't fit any more pins into it.
I didn't know country pursuits included sniping and unarmed combat.
Well, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest man alive.
Shut the door when you leave.
Yes! a booking for a party of five.
Oh- for the year after next.
That's hardly going to impress Stella.
- Oh, holy mother.
- What? It's the advertising rates for the local paper.
Nobody reads it.
They use it to wrap chips in.
Can't you afford an advertisement? Aye, maybe.
If I sell a kidney.
You'll have to ask Stella for the money.
I'd rather sell the kidney.
Lexie: I'll get that.
Graham: I can manage.
You're rushed off your feet as it is.
Would you like more of anything? I'd like more of everything.
The food is just fabulous.
Did you sleep well? Bed's not too lumpy? It was a bit big- and empty.
So, Stella didn't pay any midnight visits then? I did feel a chill, but that was a draft from the window.
( giggling ) She's probably keeping you in suspense, making you suffer.
Tell me about it.
I married her.
So, what happened? ( sighs ) Well she cared more about her career than about us, and more about her clients than about me.
I suppose she spends a lot of time with Archie? Another condemned man eating a hearty breakfast.
Graham, I'm Golly.
I'll be taking you out for a bit of fishing.
You know anything about flies? Oh, yes.
All my trousers have them.
Ah right.
Ah, Brian, dear boy, you're a sight for sore eyes, and parched palates.
One crate of assorted single malts.
Splendid.
Where do I sign? You don't.
do you have a purchase order for this? - Purchase order? - Stella! really! Mr.
MacDonald's word has always been good enough for us.
I'm amazed your firm is still in business.
Take it back.
We're not signing for it.
Do you expect me to drink that battery acid you bought? Thanks, sorry about the mix-up.
bye.
Hector: This is outrageous! Brian's been delivering my malts for years.
I know, my bank's paying for it! The only way we're gonna get our money back is if we put your liver on display as a medical phenomenon! How dare you! Can't a gentleman have a glass of half-decent whiskey in the evening? Certainly, if a gentleman's willing to work for it, which you seem totally unwilling to do- or are you just incapable? I am going for a walk.
I may be some time! Take back the empties while you're at it! You are still into blood sports up here, then? - Duncan: Stella- - what?! Nothing.
Another advert? No, a letter of resignation.
Oh, Duncan.
There's no need for that.
You're right.
I can always call her from the job center.
Why don't you try niche marketing? There's no point.
She's only six months old.
Who is? My niece.
No, I mean, you find where the customers are and then you target them directly.
( softly ) Oh.
Oh! Golly: Remember, a lot of the action is in the wrist.
That's it.
remember, try to blend in with the river.
Very zen.
Oops! ( chuckles ) Try not to blend in that much.
Has Stella tried this? She looks like she needs to lighten up a bit.
No, the bank's on her back.
Graham: Same old story.
So tied up with work, life just passes her by.
How long were you two together? Two years.
Seems like longer, it was so intense.
Just try it over there.
There.
Graham: We were young.
We were both a bit nuts.
If I had my time again, I'd do exactly the same.
Love like that- it's the most amazing rush.
Could never last, more's the pity.
So, would you two like to get back together? Nah! We've burned our bridges.
We got plenty of experience mending bridges 'round here.
That right, Archie? Yep.
Duncan: Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round.
Visit Glenbogle House, - in the heart of- - never heard of it! A magnificent, stately home by Glenbogle loch.
Every stone soaked in history.
Is this one of them? If you fancy a tour, there's a coach leaving in 10 minutes from in front of the post office.
You don't want to hang around here.
Too much litter.
Hang on, I was here first.
It's not a question of being first.
It's a question of being the best.
Leave the tour business to professionals, eh? View the highlights of the highlands from a fully heated coach, with panoramic views, and an expert guide.
Hang on! I can give you a tour of the highlands, in a four-wheel drive with heating, and a radio.
If you don't mind helping him change that wheel first.
What's all this? I thought that Graham and Stella could have a wee you know, tete-a-tete.
And Stella's agreed to this? No, not exactly.
You haven't told her yet? Did you two have plans? No.
actually, I think it's a good idea.
I'll talk to her.
No, Archie, I'll have to listen to him.
And I can't, not even for your precious Glenbogle.
It's dinner, that's all.
I don't think it's gonna be that bad.
What do you mean? What's he been saying? Forget about Glenbogle.
Do it for yourself.
If this works out, we will be beating off customers with a big stick.
Lexie's doing trout the way you like it.
Mm, plenty of strychnine on his.
( sighs ) Excuse me.
I have to get changed.
( sighs ) I knew it was too good to last.
Archie seems to think you'd appreciate my company.
That Archie, he's such a wag.
Whatever happened between us, don't take it out on the people here.
They don't deserve it.
There is such a thing as journalistic ethics.
I knew that, I didn't know you knew that.
I've never mixed my business with my personal life.
Stella: Oh, no, you're a consummate professional.
All those diaries of your conquests don't count.
How did they go again? There was anna- "three out of 10 for technique, 10 out of 10 for enthusiasm.
" Then there was julie from accounts, and suzy from the take-away.
Graham: They were diaries.
You weren't supposed to read them.
Those women certainly weren't.
But of course, you had to copy them and pass them around.
Everyone's entitled to read their own appraisal.
I've paid for my sins.
We both made stupid mistakes.
Yeah, you were mine.
Mine was making the one woman I ever really loved hate my guts.
Now, I've gone and told her.
Father.
There you are.
Of course, I am.
I belong here.
I'm like that house, a crumbling old ruin, expensive to run, and serving no purpose.
Stella was too harsh on you, but she's got her own problems.
She was right.
I am an aristocrat.
No marketable skills.
I'm a relic, a figurehead on a sinking ship.
Come inside, and have a drink.
Hah! that mouthwash she calls whiskey? There are more dignified ways of ending it all.
That is enough! You are a MacDonald, the elder of a fighting clan.
We have never been driven out by fire, sword or siege, and we will not be defeated by spreadsheets.
I won't have this pathetic maudlin defeatism.
Don't bark at me, boy! You aren't too big to go across my knee.
That's more like it.
We'll find a job for you, even if it's frightening away the tourists.
Now, come inside before the midges suck you dry.
I promised I'd never admit this, but the worst thing is seeing you so happy, and successful.
I could kick myself, knowing that I'll never be a part of that now, not like Archie.
Archie? I've seen the way he looks at you.
( gasps ) You always had a lively imagination.
I'd never spoil it for you.
I've already hurt you enough for a lifetime.
What happened back then with you and that businessman, it was my fault.
I was selfish, and I was cruel.
I drove you to it.
Forgive yourself even if you can't forgive me.
You have every right to despise me.
I don't know why you didn't push the divorce through ages ago.
Why didn't you? I never got around to it.
Super-efficient Stella skimping on the paperwork? I don't think so.
You don't want to say it's over, because it isn't.
I'm really tired.
Remember that poem at our wedding? "I have spread my dreams under your feet-" don't.
"Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
" ( sniffling ) ( sobbing ) ( knocking at door ) ( beeps ) Hi.
I just came to turn down your bed.
No woman has ever turned down my bed.
Except Stella.
I don't know what that girl wants.
She won't have me back, but she won't say it's over.
- It's torture.
- That's Stella for you.
What time do you finish? That's me finished now.
why? I could use some company, just to talk.
Maybe have a nightcap? Okay, I'll ask Archie to pop in.
Archie? I'm up at 5:00.
Got to sweep those chimneys.
Maybe I should do some work on my article.
Fine.
happy typing.
Stella: Money for photocopying? So you've given out all 200 fliers? Duncan: Not exactly they sort of flew away.
Stella: So far your marketing campaign has cost us 160 quid, including a new tire for the Land Rover, and what have you got to show for it? Building brand awareness? By leaflets in the local sheep? You're fired! Your services are no longer required.
Don't feel bad about it.
In five days, we'll all be out of a job.
- You're not fired.
- Archie! You're gonna go out there and make it happen.
- No second chances! - Go on.
go.
I have had just about enough of this.
First you bite my father's head off, and then you try to fire Duncan for doing the best he can with nothing.
Face it, the problem is Graham.
You have to solve that problem.
- Archie! - Not now, mother.
It's Hector.
His bed hasn't been slept in.
( sighs ) All right you take the grounds, stop by the loch.
- I'll take the pick-up.
- What about Graham? I'm supposed to give him a watercolor lesson this morning.
Stick to that.
We are gonna find my father.
come on.
On your bike, son.
These punters are taken.
We don't have to waste our energy competing.
Why not make Glenbogle a stop on your tour? That dump? But it's got everything your customers want.
It's got beautiful grounds and a visitors' center, with souvenirs and crafts- and all the usual.
It's amazing the rubbish these people will buy.
It would be good business for all of us.
- Why should I? - Like I said- never mind that nonsense.
Why should I bring my punters, desperate to blow their hard-earned pennies to your place? Much obliged, donald.
What? did you think I brought them here for the food? Humph- it's disgusting.
I can't afford backhanders.
But maybe when we get up and running good luck getting business.
You'll need it.
Graham: This week has been a revelation.
Molly: I hope you tell that to your readers.
Sorry, I'm being forward.
Not at all.
I've already finished the first draft.
I think you could safely call it a "rave.
" Tate Modern, here I come.
All you need now is the berry.
Well, thank you.
He hasn't been here and he's not hiding at Kilwillie's- Archie, I've got better things to do than hunt down "Bonnie Prince Hector.
" You should've thought of that before you laid into him.
I know you're under a lot of pressure, Stella, but so is he.
He's an old man, not some dodgy client creaming off the business account.
Did you ever have a week when everything that could go wrong, did? Have you ever been to Glenbogle? My boss thinks I've lost my touch, and he's probably right.
Now Graham appears asking me to take him back.
When I married him, I was making a commitment.
He was making contingency plans.
He just carried on drinking and carrying on.
After months of misery, I made this stupid mistake.
You don't have to tell me this.
I slept with a client once.
Graham found out, and the bank found out and I had to quit.
So I moved to Lascelles and started again.
I only lost a few years' promotion and all my self-respect.
Now I'm making the same mistakes again.
Oh, come on.
You haven't slept with a client.
I might as well have.
I can't make Glenbogle pay its way because I've got too close to the business.
I'm going to get fired, and I'm going to deserve it.
You always seemed so certain of yourself, so in control.
I never realized that you were so- - screwed up? - No, human.
You can't give in, Stella, not now.
You're not alone.
You've got all of us behind you.
We won't let them railroad you.
What about Glenbogle? Glenbogle's nothing without its people.
I'm afraid you're one of us now.
But I won't tell them that if you don't.
- let's get some lunch.
- What about Hector? We'll dig a big pit, drop in a bottle of malt, and have him back by sundown.
( chuckles ) We can eat at the bar.
Why don't you order something? I'll find a phone and call in.
Hector: Now note the rich amber color, the drops that stick to the side.
Precious oils, the soul of the dram.
( sniffs ) Mmm, strong personality, well-seasoned and mature.
Hello, Hector.
( sighs ) Is there anywhere safe? I'm sorry I was a bit hard on you.
No, you weren't.
Perfectly natural to expect me to earn my own keep.
I'm just good for nothing.
In that hat, we could always hire you out as a scarecrow.
Father, where have you been? Did you know this place has 35 single malts? I'm gently working my way through them.
- Come on home.
- There's the small matter of the bill.
Stella, you are the soul of generosity and forbearance.
Lead the way, Archie.
( low ) Get a move on.
What was he doing with the stuff, bathing in it? ( sighs ) What's the use? They just follow him like sheep and he fleeces them.
"The art of war"? A lot of useful advice in there for the aspiring businessman.
"Employ deception.
Although you are competent, appear incompetent.
" - I can manage that.
- Keep going.
"A bushel of your enemy's provisions is worth 20 of our own.
" Sheep stealing, Duncan, has a long and noble history.
Where do you think the aristocracy started? ( clock chimes ) ( knocking at door ) Come in.
Here we are.
Dinner's in an hour, and I've run you a bath.
Is that our report? Oh-hh, any chance of a back rub? Stella's still out with Archie.
- When the cat's away- - your bath's getting cold.
What are you doing here, Lexie, waiting on these inbred aristos with their idiot retainers? You're far too bright and beautiful to live in this hole.
I'm on the run from the police.
Really? I took an axe to my boyfriend when I found out he was married.
Dinner's in an hour? Dress informal.
For goodness sake, I just went for a walk.
- Didn't think I'd need a note from the prefect.
- You had us worried sick.
Why exactly? Apart from providing endless hours of amusement, - what am I good for? - Molly: oh, Hector.
Lexie, what are you doing with Graham's laptop? Not much, it's password-protected.
That's his private property.
The man is a guest.
The man is a creep.
I don't trust him.
He said he'd give us a rave review.
He said I lived in a hole with a bunch of "inbred aristocrats.
" Now, anyone want to make a guess at the password? - Try "stallion.
" - Excuse me? Don't ask.
Okay "stallion.
" - ( beeping ) - bingo! "Fawlty McTowers.
" That doesn't sound very good, does it? "Glenbogle offers scottish hospitality, with the emphasis on hospital.
" "It has the allure of an under-funded geriatric ward.
" I'll kill him.
"The ghillie's endless yarns and shortbread philosophy can't quite disguise his ignorance of the dreary countryside.
The so-called "highland cuisine" is mostly overripe game burned to a crisp.
The best you can say for it is that it's unique.
" - Oh, cute.
- "advance booking is not advised as the place is near bankruptcy.
In fact, it would have closed long ago had their bank manager not succumbed to Glenbogle's dubious charms.
" I should have known.
He's doing this to get back at me.
If he hurts you, he hurts all of us.
I suggest we tar and feather him and send him packing.
No, slice him open and feed his tripes to the fishes.
That's not exactly good publicity.
It's a big estate.
Who's gonna know? We can't stop him writing the article.
Can't afford a lawsuit or an injunction.
So we're stuffed? Golly you are taking him out tomorrow- - with pleasure, boss.
- No, I don't mean- I mean, take him out for a walk.
Keep him busy while I while I think of something.
- Are we eating in here? - Oh, Graham! no, no this is a staff meeting.
Just making sure everyone is doing their bit to keep you happy.
How about a drink? Give us the courage to get through supper.
But I love Lexie's cooking.
( chuckling ) ( door closes ) Ah, Graham, it's yourself.
I hope you've broken in those boots.
We've quite a bit of walking to do.
I'm looking forward to more stories.
Oh, no, son.
No tall tales today.
I think it's time you had a real taste of the highlands.
And don't forget your highland cuisine.
Lexie I love the way you handle my lunch box.
( giggles ) Behave! Graham! A drop of the local specialty? One swig and you'll be able to bring down a stag with your bare hands.
Hector, you are better than a St.
Bernard.
( chuckles ) Golly, can I have a minute? Golly: sure.
I just wanted to say have a good day.
I don't have to go on this hike.
Oh, no, you must.
I've got the books to do.
Let's talk when you get back, okay? Look after him for me, Golly.
Oh, I will.
I know how dangerous the woods can be.
Rest stop.
If you're not back in 10 minutes, we leave without you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tour starts in one minute, so finish up, please.
What happened to the other driver? Dodgy scotch.
Very nasty.
You don't want to know.
Come on, folks.
Stella: He knew I was here.
Look.
He wrote an anonymous letter to my boss about why I left mersey commercial.
It was no coincidence at all, his coming here.
He's been looking for revenge ever since I left him.
When you wrote him, it gave him the perfect opportunity.
First, he tips off the bank, then he slates Glenbogle.
We go bust, and you get fired.
Your old man really knows how to bear a grudge.
I wondered why you never trusted anyone.
You had good reason.
I never meet anyone I could trust until- what are those? Notes for Graham's article- the revised version.
- Are you going to write it? - And e-mail it in.
So when he comes to submit the real one - he'll be too late.
- You hope.
If you've got a better plan, I'm all ears.
You dictate, I'll type.
( game bird clucks ) Get down.
Lie down, you're spooking him.
Just a wee bit of mud.
( cocks gun ) Oh, dear, they heard us.
Come on.
Are you sure this is mud? ( sniffs ) Aye, you're right, Graham.
Well spotted.
Probably some fox marking his territory.
Och, well, it'll cover up the smell of your aftershave.
Come on.
"Among Glenbogle's eccentric charms-" what's wrong with "outstanding attractions"? - We can't gush.
- Why not? we need the business.
We have to keep some semblance of objectivity.
"Among Glenbogle's eccentric charms are its colorful staff-" "is its colorful staff.
" Staff is singular.
- No, it's not, it's plural.
- It's a collective noun.
- It's singular.
- Who's writing this article? Graham! his grammar's awful, so yeah, have it your way.
- That's an idea.
- What? You could hire me as a life model for your painting courses.
I don't think there'll be much of a demand for you to get your kit off.
There's not much of a demand, anyway.
Maybe they'd pay me to keep it on? It's not bad.
"And I highly recommend-" " warmly recommend it.
" "Warmly recommend it.
" - 500 words.
- Probably needs a bit of polishing.
Definitely needs a bit of polishing.
How long is Graham gonna be out there? - I'll plug us in.
- Where shall I send it? - Find the e-mail address of his paper.
- Yes, got it.
- Come on, come on - voice: hello? - Can't be back already? - Stall him.
No, don't- that switches it off.
Oh- Duncan, what do you want? Am I still fired? Duncan: Sorry about the short notice.
"You must strike when the foe is not prepared, - and attack when he does not expect.
" - Duncan, you did it! Well, I got them here.
What do I do with them now? Send them back from whence they came.
Give them a guided tour, of course.
Better warn Lexie.
She'll be feeding the multitudes.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Glenbogle, the historic seat of the MacDonald clan for more than 500 years.
The house, as you see it today, is a legacy of our victorian forbearers, who wanted to capture the spirit of medieval architecture.
While these towering battlements have never seen war we nearly there yet? Oh, not far.
We're almost halfway.
Halfway? Get some food inside of you.
That'll keep your energy up.
Ah, a fine view, Graham.
There are some people who think this countryside is dreary.
Hard to believe, eh? Yeah, fabulous.
What is this stuff? I think I'm gonna be sick.
( retching ) ( coughing ) Any more of that soup? It was wonderful.
I always say if they don't have a price, you can't afford them.
- Molly: I'm sorry? - The watercolors.
- They are for sale, aren't they? - oh, yes, of course.
That one is £30.
£30? do you take checks? We take anything we can get.
Man: the taste of the highlands.
It will just sit on the shelf, with the plum brandy.
Can I help at all? My husband insisted on buying this whiskey in the village.
I thought it looked authentic.
May I? Oh, yes.
12-year-old Strathmona.
A fine malt.
Don't waste it on your friends.
He won't drink it.
I'm still trying to acquire the taste.
A palate that can't appreciate a single malt is in sore need of education.
Come with me.
- We'd love to, but- - no "buts.
" this way.
You're taking us round in circles.
I'm sorry, son.
I know so little about the countryside, it all just looks the same to me.
I see, that's very cute.
I suppose Stella put you up to this? I enjoyed your article.
I hope they print it on nice absorbent paper.
I'm going back.
- I wouldn't go that way.
- You think I'm gonna listen to you? You'll be able to say now that you've really tasted the highlands.
( sputters ) All aboard please, ladies and gents.
Thank you so much.
Do tell your friends.
He was right.
You know you could taste the peat and the notes of smoke- and the smell of heather.
It was Scotland in a glass.
We didn't drink all that, did we? Where's the rest of it? Still in his decanter.
Bye, do come again.
Hector: They were quite well-behaved, for a rabble.
I think I'll give up tuition.
Painting for oneself is much more rewarding.
This is the best view of the loch.
What on earth is that? Ughh! Hikers.
They go in the woods, get lost for weeks on end and go mad- completely.
Tragic.
I'm glad we stuck with a guided tour.
What have you done with him? Is he not back yet? Well, he won't starve.
He's got Lexie's sandwiches.
( chuckles ) You are finished.
Once they run my piece, you'll be lucky if rats stay here.
And you will be back in your polyester twin set flogging mortgages over the phone.
It's not over until I say it's over, sweetheart.
You think you can rip my life to bits and then just walk away? Oh, Graham, grow up! - We lived up to your review.
- Think that was a bad review? - You should see the latest draft.
- actually, we have.
We've sent it off for you- with a few amendments.
( phone rings ) Hello, Glenbogle House.
Yes, who's calling? Oh, you got it? Good.
It's your editor, calling to say thanks for the article.
You might want to leave him well alone.
He won't be too impressed if he hears you were writing a libelous report just to spite your ex-wife.
He can't speak at the moment.
Can I take a message? His best piece to date? really? Going out this Sunday? He'll be delighted.
You'll be seeing him soon.
In fact, he'll be leaving shortly.
I caught up on that paperwork you asked about.
What do you know? I am a soon-to-be published journalist.
There's nothing to brag about, Archie.
( door slams ) Stella: I have to admit it, Duncan.
You came up with the goods.
- well done.
- Thanks very much.
How much did we clear on the tour? How much did you charge them? You allowed for the meal? Yes.
Actually, it was sort of- - what you would call- - a pilot scheme? - A loss leader.
- A what?! Ah, you're here.
Mr.
Sweeney to see you.
Sit! Can I help you? I might have known.
This fella took a party of my punters around here, after somebody locked me in the toilet.
I see.
How obliging of him.
The thing is a lot of them want to come back with their friends.
I was wondering if we might come to some sort of arrangement? Give Mr.
Sweeney a seat.
The thing is, any tour would have to include a malt-tasting course.
I'm sorry? The old codger who teaches people whiskey-tasting.
I've got six punters down for a session already.
Get Hector back in here, please.
Yes, ma'am.
I still can't believe it.
50 quid a throw, and they bring the whiskey.
All I have to do is drink it and talk about it.
If I give you 50 quid, will you shut up about it? I think it's wonderful.
I'm thrilled for you.
As I've always said, there's dignity in honest toil.
I thought a gentleman would "never sully himself with anything so vulgar as trade.
" ( chuckles ) Tasting whiskey is not trade, Alexandra, it's an art form.
I, like my lovely wife, am an artist.
Aye.
we all know what sort of artist.
- Precise- - ( chuckles ) They cut my line about "highlands of the heart.
" I told you it was cheesy.
It was not.
It was poetic.
It's still a great review.
It is, isn't it? And extremely well typed.
Maybe you'll stop fretting about our prospects, relax a little.
I will, when the books stop bleeding all over my desk.
There you go again.
How many times do I have to tell you? Glenbogle is not just a business, it's our home.
There you go again.
Thanks to you, it'll be a home for years to come.
- Thanks to you, too.
- We make quite a team.
Yep, me as the brains- I thought I was the brains.
You're the brawn.
Thanks for protecting me, Archie.
Sorry.
I thought you didn't want to make the same mistakes.
There he is.
He's in here.
- What do you think? - "Promising cooking"? - What does it promise, exactly? - "Venerable," Archie? What's that supposed to mean? It makes me sound senile.
"Molly's painting is full of grace and serenity.
" If you think I wasted my three years at the slade, why didn't you say so? Hector: I'm not even mentioned! ( all yelling ) ( theme music playing )