Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e06 Episode Script

Announcer: IN THE MODERN BRITAIN, UNITED UNDER A GREAT LEADER IT'S THE HOUSEWIVES OF BRITAIN WHO ARE GETTING THINGS MOVING.
HERE, A COACH LOAD OF LOVELY LADIES ARE ON THEIR WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION IN A CAR FACTORY.
AND HERE WE ARE, BOYS, IT'S THE NO-HURRY BRIGADE HANGING AROUND FOR ENDLESS OVERTIME.
AND JUST WATCH THESE GALLAN GIRLS GO INTO ACTION.
NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH? WELL, THERE'S AN ANSWER FOR THAT.
YES, THIS IS CERTAINLY THE WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION.
THIS IS THE RECIPE FOR INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY TO MEET THE THREA OF THOSE NASTY FOREIGNERS WHEN BRITAIN TAKES HER NATURAL PLACE AT THE HEAD OF THE BRITISH COMMON MARKET.
AND HOW'S THIS FOR A WAY TO BEAT STRIKERS? THOSE SPOTTY CONTINENTAL BOYS WILL SOON HAVE TO LOOK OU FOR MRS.
BRITAIN.
AND TALKING OF WINDMILLS THESE GIRLS AREN'T AFRAID TO TILT AT THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
BUSINESS IS BOOMING IN THE SO-CALLED ARTS BUT TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, CHUM.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE MODERN SO-CALLED PLASTIC ARTS THAT GET THE CLEAN-UP TREATMENT.
DESDEMONA COME ON, DEARS! (women screeching) Announcer: AND THOSE CONTINENTALS HAD BETTER WATCH OU FOR THEIR DIRTY FOREIGN LITERATURE.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE AND JEAN GENE WON'T KNOW WHAT'S HIT THEM.
NEVER MIND THE FOULNESS OF THEIR LANGUAGE COME '73, THEY'LL ALL HAVE TO WRITE IN BRITISH.
(laughter) YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FASTIDIOUS CONTINENTAL BIDETS, MRS.
FOREIGNER MRS.
BRITAIN KNOWS HOW TO KEEP HER FEET CLEAN.
BUT SHE'LL BATTLE LIKE BINGO, BOYS WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING THE TV SCREEN CLEAN.
BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NASTY CONTINENTAL SHOWS ON THE SNEAKY SECOND CHANNEL.
BUT APART FROM ATTACKING THAT PRURIENT HOTBED OF LEFT-WING CONTINENTALISM AT SHEPHERDS BUSH WHAT ELSE DO THESE ORDINARY MUMS THINK? DO THEY ACCEPT HEGELIANISM? NO! Announcer: DO THEY PREFER LEIBNITZ TO WITTGENSTEIN? NO! NO! Announcer: AND WHERE DO THEY STAND ON YOUNG PEOPLE? JUST HERE, DEAR.
Announcer: THEIR POWER IS GROWING DAILY AND WHEN THESE GIRLS ROLL THEIR SLEEVES UP IT'S ARMS ALL THE WAY.
YES, THIS IS THE WAY TO FIGH THE CONSTANT WAR AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY.
(gunfire and explosions) (playing introductory chords) AND NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(music ends with fart) (knocking at door) (knocking gets louder) (knocking becomes pounding) (audience laughs) DOCTOR! (laughter continues) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! (laughter) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! WHERE IS THE DOCTOR? (great laughter) HELLO! ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST? HELLO! (laughter) ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST? NO! NO, I AM NO THE BRAIN SPECIALIST.
NO, NO, I AM NOT! YES! YES, I AM! MY BRAIN HURTS! (laughter) WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR.
GUMBY.
NO, NO, NO MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD.
OH! IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT.
(laughter) OUT OF MY HEAD? YES! ALL THE BITS OF IT.
NURSE! NURSE! NURSE! (laughter) NURSE! (laughter) NURSE, TAKE MR.
GUMBY TO A BRAIN SURGEON.
YES, DOCTOR.
WHERE'S THE LANCET? Nurse: HE'S BRILLIANT, YOU KNOW.
WHERE'S THE BLOODY LANCET? (laughter) MY BRAIN HURTS, TOO.
(siren sounding) (Dr.
Kildare theme playing) GLOVES GLASSES MOUSTACHE (laughter) HANDKERCHIEF (laughter) I'M GOING TO OPERATE! All: OPERATE, OPERATE GET BITS OF BRAIN! All: GET BITS OF BRAIN! HELLO! OH! OH! WE FORGO THE ANESTHETIC! All: ANESTHETIC! ANESTHETIC! ANESTHETIC! All: ANESTHETIC! (laughter) I'VE COME TO ANESTHETIZE YOU! (series of clanks and thuds) (clearing throat) GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OH, UH EXCUSE ME, THIS IS ALL WRONG.
ONE MOMENT.
(crashing and rattling) (loud ping) (footsteps approaching) HELLO, AGAIN.
(laughter) AS I WAS SAYING AH, OH, WAIT, THIS IS STILL NOT QUITE RIGHT.
SORRY.
(odd and ambiguous noises) NO, NO, SORRY, NO, NOT RIGHT.
(footsteps) (assorted crashes) (splash) (alarm clock rings) (rattling) AH, THIS IS BETTER.
(clears throat) NOW, TONIGHT I WANT TO LOOK AT THE MEANING OF LIFE OH! OW! OH! OH! (crashing and rattling) NO, NO, NO (laughter) (rattling) NO, NO, PLEASE! (yelling) (thuds and crashes) (cow moos) (running footsteps) (explosion) HMM, AH, WELL THIS'LL DO NICELY.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE IN THE CONTEXT OF (screams) Announcer: The 9:00 news, which was to have followed has been canceled tonight so we can bring you the quarterfinals of the All-Essex Badminton Championship.
Your commentator as usual is Edna O'Brien.
Man (in Irish accent): Hullo, fans.
Begorra, an' to be sure there's some fine badminton down there in Essex this afternoon.
We really (doorbell rings) (laughter) HMM.
GEORGE? YES, GLADYS? THERE'S A MAN HERE WITH A MOUSTACHE.
I ALREADY GOT ONE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGH WHAT'S HE WANT, THEN? HE SAYS, DO WE WAN A DOCUMENTARY ON MOLLUSKS? MOLLUSKS?! YES! WHAT'S HE MEAN, "MOLLUSKS"? MOLLUSKS! GASTROPODS, LAMELLIBRANCHS, CEPHALOPODS! OH, MOLLUSKS.
I THOUGH YOU SAID "BACON.
" ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S HE CHARGE, THEN? IT'S FREE.
OH! WHERE DOES HE WANT US TO SIT? HE SAYS YES! (laughter) GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, MOLLUSKS.
THE MOLLUSK IS A SOFT-BODIED, UNSEGMENTED INVERTEBRATE ANIMAL USUALLY PROTECTED BY A LARGE SHELL.
ONE OF THE MOST NUMEROUS GROUPS OF INVERTEBRATES IT IS EXCEEDED IN NUMBER OF SPECIES ONLY BY THE ARTHROPODS, VIZ NOT VERY INTERESTING, IS IT? WHAT? I WAS TALKING TO HIM.
OH.
ANYWAY, THE TYPICAL MOLLUSK, VIZ A SNAIL CONSISTS OF A PROMINEN MUSCULAR PORTION THE HEAD-FOOT A VISCERAL MASS AND A SHELL WHICH IS SECRETED BY THE FREE EDGE OF THE MANTLE.
DREADFUL, ISN'T IT? WHAT? I WAS TALKING TO HIM! OH WELL, ANYWAY IN SOME MOLLUSKS, HOWEVER, VIZ, SLUGS THE SHELL IS ABSEN OR RUDIMENTARY.
SWITCH HIM OFF.
WHEREAS IN OTHERS, VIZ CEPHALOPODS THE HEAD-FOO IS GREATLY MODIFIED AND FORMS TENTACLES, VIZ THE SQUID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SWITCHING YOU OFF.
DON'T YOU LIKE IT? OH, IT'S DREADFUL.
EMBARRASSING.
IS IT? YES, IT'S PERFECTLY AWFUL.
DISGRACEFUL! I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GO THE NERVE TO PUT IT ON.
IT'S SO BORING.
WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SUBJECT, IS IT? BE FAIR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GEORGE? GIVE HIM ANOTHER 20 SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, THE MAJORITY OF MOLLUSKS ARE INCLUDED IN THREE LARGE GROUPS: THE GASTROPODS, THE LAMELLIBRANCHS AND THE CEPHALOPODS.
WE KNOW THAT! HOWEVER, WHAT IS MORE INTERESTING IS THE, UH MOLLUSK'S, UH SEX LIFE.
OH! (laughter) YES, THE MOLLUSK IS A RANDY LITTLE FELLOW WHOSE PRIMITIVE BRAIN SCARCELY STRAYS FROM THE SUBJEC OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
DISGUSTING! OUGHT NO TO BE ALLOWED.
THE RANDIEST OF THE GASTROPODS IS THE LIMPET.
THIS HOT-BLOODED LITTLE BEAS WITH ITS TENTLIKE SHELL IS ALWAYS ON THE JOB.
ITS EXTRAMARITAL ACTIVITIES ARE SOMETHING STARTLING.
FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FEMALE LIMPE FINDS THE TIME TO ADHERE TO THE ROCK FACE.
HOW AM I DOING? DISGUSTING.
BUT MORE INTERESTING.
OH, YES.
ANOTHER LOOSE-LIVING GASTROPOD IS THE PERIWINKLE.
THIS SHAMELESS LITTLE LIBERTINE WITH ITS CHARACTERISTIC VENTRAL LOCOMOTION IS NOT THE MARRYING KIND "ANYWHERE, ANYTIME" IS ITS MOTTO.
UP WITH THE SHELL AND THEY'RE AT IT.
WHAT ABOUT THE LAMELLIBRANCHS? I'M COMING TO THEM.
THE GREAT SCALLOP (pretends to spit) THIS TATTY, SCROFULOUS OLD RAPIS IS SECOND IN DEPRAVITY ONLY TO THE COMMON CLAM.
THIS LATTER IS A RIGHT WHORE! A HARLOT, A TROLLOP A CYNICAL, BED-HOPPING, FIRM-BREASTED RABELAISIAN BIT OF SEAFOOD THAT MAKES FANNY HILL LOOK LIKE A DEAD POPE.
AND FINALLY AMONG THE LAMELLIBRANCH BIVALVES THAT MOST DEPRAVED OF THE WHOLE SUBSPECIES, THE WHELK.
(laughter) THE WHELK IS NOTHING BU A HOMOSEXUAL OF THE WORST KIND.
THIS GAY BOY OF THE GASTROPODS THIS QUEER CRUSTACEAN, THIS MINCING MOLLUSK THIS SCREAMING, PRANCING, LIMP-WRISTED QUEEN OF THE DEEP MAKES ME SICK.
HAVE YOU GOT ONE? HERE! LET'S KILL IT.
DISGUSTING! THERE, THAT'LL TEACH IT.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR A VERY INTERESTING PROGRAM.
OH, NOT AT ALL, THANK YOU.
YES, THAT WAS VERY NICE.
THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
AND GOOD NIGHT.
AND NOW A WORD FROM THE MAN IN THE STREET.
ANYWAY OOO COOCHY, COOCHY, COOCHY (speaking baby talk) DEAR LITTLE FELLOW.
LOOK AT THE TWINKLE IN HIS EYE.
(speaking baby talk) OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEAR, ISN'T HE? YOU SHOULDN'T LET HIM SUCK ON A DUMMY, MY DEAR.
OH, MY GOD NO! DON'T TOUCH IT! (loud suction pop) (sucking) (screams) (audience laughs) (wheels squeaking) (grumbling) (blathering) THE MINISTER FOR NO LISTENING TO PEOPLE TOURED BATLEY TODAY TO INVESTIGATE ALLEGATIONS OF VICTIMIZATION IN HOME-LOAN IMPROVEMENT GRANTS MADE LAST WEEK BY THE SHADOW-MINISTER FOR JUDGING PEOPLE AT FIRST SIGH TO BE MARGINALLY WORSE THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.
AT THE HOME OFFICE, THE MINISTER FOR INSERTING HIMSELF IN BETWEEN CHAIRS AND WALLS IN MEN'S CLUBS WAS AT HIS DESK AFTER A SHORT ILLNESS.
HE SPENT THE MORNING DEALING WITH THE IRISH SITUATION AND LATER IN THE DAY HAD LONG DISCUSSIONS WITH THE MINISTER FOR RUNNING UPSTAIRS TWO AT A TIME FLINGING THE DOOR OPEN AND SAYING, "HA, HA, CAUGHT YOU, MILDRED.
" IN THE COMMONS THERE WAS ANOTHER DAY OF HEATED DEBATE ON THE THIRD READING OF THE TRADE PRACTICES BILL.
MR.
ROLAND PENROSE THE UNDERSECRETARY FOR MAKING DEEP GROWLING NOISES (growls) LAUNCHED A BITTER PERSONAL ATTACK ON THE EX-MINISTER FOR DELVING DEEP INTO A BLACK SATIN BAG AND PRODUCING A TUBE OF EUTHYMOL TOOTHPASTE.
LATER IN THE DEBATE THE JUNIOR MINISTER FOR BEING FRIGHTENED BY ANY KIND OF FARM MACHINERY CHALLENGED THE UNDERSECRETARY OF STATE FOR HIDING FROM TERENCE RATTIGAN TO PRODUCE THE CURRENT YEAR'S TRADING FIGURES AS SUPPLIED BY THE DEPARTMEN OF STEALING PACKETS OF BANDAGES FROM THE SELF-SERVICE COUNTER AT TIMOTHY WHITES AND SELLING THEM AGAIN AT A CONSIDERABLE PROFIT.
PARLIAMENT ROSE AT 11:30 AND, CRAWLING ALONG A DARK PASSAGEWAY INTO THE OLD RECTORY BROKE DOWN THE DOOR TO THE SERVING HATCH PAINTED THE SPARE ROOM AND NEXT WEEKEND I THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE A STAR ON THE BOYS' BEDROOM.
WHILE AMY AND ROGER UP IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS GO TO SEE THE MYSTERIOUS MR.
GRENVILLE.
HE IN TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED BY D'ARCY AS SOMETHING LESS THAN AN HONEST MAN.
SYBIL FEELS ONCE AGAIN A RESURGENCE OF HER OLD AFFECTION AND SHE AND BALREAU RETURN TO HER LITTLE HOUSE IN CLERMONT-FERRAND THE KIND OF TWO-UP, TWO-DOWN HOUSE THAT MOST FRENCH WORKERS AND, INDEED, MOST WORKERS THROUGHOUT THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY ARE LIVING IN TODAY.
THE EASE OF CONSTRUCTION USING ON-SITE PREFABRICATION FACILITIES MAKES CHEAP HOUSING A REALITY.
THE WALLS OF THESE HOUSES ARE LINED WITH PRESTRESSED ASBESTOS, WHICH KEEPS THE HOUSE WARM AND SNUGGLY AND EVER SO SAFE FROM THE BIG BAD RABBI WHO CAN SCRATCH AND SCRATCH FOR ALL HE'S WORTH BUT HE JUST CAN'T GE INTO PORKY'S HOUSE.
(laughter) WHERE IS PORKY? HERE HE IS.
WHAT A FUNNY LITTLE CHAP.
(laughter) BUT PORKY IS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
HE SURVIVED THE URBAN UPHEAVAL OF THE '30s AND '40s.
FOR HIM, JARROW IS STILL JUST A MEMORY.
THE HUNGER MARCHES, THE EAST END RIOTS THE COLLAPSE OF THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IN 1931 ARE DIM REMINDERS OF THE DAYS BEFORE A NEWFOUND AFFLUENCE SWEPT THE LAND MAKING IT CLEAN AND TIDY AND MAKING ALL THE SHOPS FULL OF NICE THINGS: LOVELY CHOO-CHOO TRAINS AND TOYS AND SHINY CARS THAT GO "BRRM, BRRM, BRRM" AND EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY AND SINGING ALL THE DAY LONG AND NOBODY SAW THE BIG BAD RABBIT EVER AGAIN.
BUT, OF COURSE, IT'S ALL VERY EASY TO BLAME THE BIG BAD RABBI WHEN BY-ELECTIONS ARE GOING AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.
UT HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD REALLY BE BLAMING OURSELVES? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHERE WE OUGHT TO START LOOKING.
(laughter) (cheering) (lyrical waltz playing) (laughter) (roaring laughter) (laughter) HELLO ALL THE ACTIVITY YOU CAN SEE HERE IN PROGRESS IS PART OF THE INTRICATE (cries out) PREPARATIONS FOR THE BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS SIR JANE RUSSELL.
(laughter) SIR JANE, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXPEDITION? WELL, THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNCHARTED LAKE WITH, LIKE, HITHERTO UNCLASSIFIED MARINE LIFE, MAN SO THE WHOLE SCENE'S WIDE OPEN FOR A SCIENTIFIC EXPLORATION.
ONE CAN SEE THE IMMENSE AMOUNT OF PREPARATION INVOLVED.
HAVE THERE BEEN MANY DIFFICULTIES IN SETTING UP THIS VENTURE? WELL, THE REAL HANG-UP WAS WITH THE BREAD, MAN BUT WHEN THE TOP-BRASS PIGS CAME THROUGH WE GOT IT TOGETHER IN A COUPLE OF MOONS.
COMMODORE BETTY GRABLE, WHO'S A REAL SUB-AQUA HEAD HAS GOT IT TOGETHER DIVING-WISE AND, LIKE, THE WHOLE GIG'S BEEN A REAL GAS, MAN.
THANK YOU.
(laughter) LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DOROTHY LAMOUR.
Parrot: PIECES OF EIGHT.
DOROTHY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE SECURITY AND LIAISON FOR THIS OPERATION.
RIGHT ON.
YOU'VE KEPT THIS ALL VERY HUSH-HUSH SO FAR, SHIPMATE.
YEAH, IT'S BEEN REALLY HEAVY, MAN WITH ALL THESE FREAKS FROM THE FASCIST PRESS TRYING TO BLOW THE WHOLE SCENE.
THERE'S NO DOUB ABOUT I THIS EXPEDITION DOES HAVE SOME RATHER UNUSUAL ASPECTS, JIM LAD.
FOR A START, WHY DO THE SENIOR PERSONNEL ALL BEAR THE NAMES OF HOLLYWOOD FILM STARS OF THE '40s AND FEMALE ONES AT THAT? SHIVER ME TIMBERS, 'TIS THE BLACK SPO AND SECONDLY, I BE NOT AFRAID OF THEE, BLIND PEW! WHY DO THEY TALK THIS RATHER STRANGE, STILTED UNDERGROUND JARGON? BELAY THE MAIN BRACE, SQUIRE TRELAWNEY, THIS BE MY SHIP NOW! AH! A TRANQUILIZING DART FIRED BY THE COWARDLY BBC HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOGS.
THEY'VE DONE FILLED ME FULL OF CHLORPROMAZINE! DAMN! (crying out in agony) I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR.
THE NAVY'S OUT OF SIGHT! COME TOGETHER WITH THE R.
N.
IT REALLY IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN ELSE.
(energetic rock music playing) (laughter) (music ends) CAN YOU DIG IT, MAN? (laughter) HELLO I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR JUST NOW BUT THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN TOO EASY FOR HIM RECENTLY TROUBLE AT HOME RATHER CONFIDENTIAL, SO I CAN' GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS INTERESTING THOUGH THEY ARE.
THREE BOTTLES OF RUM WITH HIS WEETABIX, AND SO FORTH.
ANYWAY APPARENTLY, THE GIRL WASN'T EVEN ANYWAY, THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME IT'S THE MOTHER I FEEL SORRY FOR.
I'LL START AGAIN.
THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME IS PART OF THE PREPARATIONS FOR THE NEW NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE.
THE MAN IN CHARGE OF THIS EXPEDITION IS VICE ADMIRAL SIR JOHN CUNNINGHAM.
SIR JOHN, HELLO, THERE.
HELLO WELL, FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF CERTAIN OF MY COLLEAGUES YOU MAY HAVE SEEN EARLIER BUT THEY ARE FROM BROKEN HOMES CIRCUS FAMILIES AND SO ON AND THEY ARE IN NO WAY REPRESENTATIVE OF THE NEW, MODERN, IMPROVED BRITISH NAVY.
THEY ARE A SMALL, VOCIFEROUS MINORITY.
AND MAY I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY OF EMPHASIZING THA THERE IS NO CANNIBALISM IN THE BRITISH NAVY ABSOLUTELY NONE.
AND WHEN I SAY NONE I MEAN THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT MORE THAN WE ARE PREPARED TO ADMIT BUT ALL NEW RATINGS ARE WARNED THAT IF THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FIND ANY TOOTH MARKS AT ALL ANYWHERE ON THEIR BODIES THEY'RE TO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN IMMEDIATELY TAKE EVERY MEASURE TO HUSH THE WHOLE THING UP.
AND FINALLY, NECROPHILIA IS RIGHT OUT.
NOW, THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF CANNIBALISM AND NECROPHILIA IN THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF UNUSUAL MARINE LIFE IN THE AS-YE UNCHARTED LAKE PAHOE.
AND WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE? UH 22A, RUNCORN AVENUE.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, 22A.
RUNCORN AVENUE? YES, IT'S JUS BY BLENHEIM CRESCENT.
DO YOU KNOW IT? UH, YOU MEAN IT'S IN AN ORDINARY STREET? IT IS NOT AN ORDINARY STREET IT'S GO A LAKE IN IT! YES, BUT I LOOK, HOW MANY STREETS DO YOU KNOW THAT HAVE GO LAKES IN THEM? I MEAN, IS IT VERY LARGE? OF COURSE IT'S NOT LARGE.
YOU COULDN'T GET A LARGE LAKE IN RUNCORN AVENUE! YOU'D HAVE TO KNOCK DOWN THE TOBACCONIST'S! JENKINS NO! (laughter) I'M NOW STANDING IN RUNCORN AVENUE.
SIR JOHN, WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE? UH, WELL LET'S SEE, THAT'S 18 THAT'S 20, SO THIS MUST BE THE ONE.
UM, EXCUSE ME, UM YES, THIS IS THE ONE, ALL RIGHT.
BUT IT'S AN ORDINARY HOUSE.
LOOK, I'M GETTING PRETTY IRRITATED WITH THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING.
BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A LAKE.
LOOK, YOUR WHOLE APPROACH SINCE THIS INTERVIEW STARTED HAS BEEN TO MOCK THE NAVY.
WHEN I THINK THA FOR THE LIKES OF YOU I HAD BOTH MY LEGS BLOWN OFF BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD BOTH YOUR LEGS BLOWN OFF! I WAS TALKING METAPHORICALLY, YOU FOOL.
JENKINS PUT THAT DOWN.
RIGHT, IS THE EQUIPMENT READY? DIVING EQUIPMEN ALL READY, MAN.
RIGHT NOW, QUITE SIMPLY THE APPROACH TO LAKE PAHOE IS UP THE STEPS AND THEN WE COME TO THE SHORES OF THE LAKE.
NOW, I'M GOING TO PRESS THE BELL JUST TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYONE IN.
(bell ringing) HELLO? GOOD MORNING, I'M LOOKING FOR A LAKE PAHOE.
THERE'S A MR.
PADGETT.
NO, NO, A LAKE.
THERE'S NO LAKE HERE, MATE.
THIS IS RUNCORN AVENUE.
WHAT'S THAT CAMERA DOING? CAMERA? WHAT'S HE WANT? OOH, ARE WE ON THE TELLY? HE'S LOOKING FOR A LAKE.
LAKE PAHOE.
OH, YOU WANT DOWNSTAIRS, 22A, THE BASEMENT.
AH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOOD MORNING.
COME ON, MEN, DOWNSTAIRS.
UH, WERE YOU SUCCESSFUL, SIR JOHN? IT'S IN THE BASEMENT.
IN THE BASEMENT? PIECES OF EIGHT! UGH! HELLO? (laughter) OH, I THINK IT'S SOMEONE ABOUT THE DAMP.
HELLO.
TELL THEM ABOUT THE BLEEDING RATS, TOO.
I'LL GO.
YES? Sir John: GOOD MORNING, IS THIS LAKE PAHOE? WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT IT'S BLEEDING DAMP.
ARE YOU FROM THE COUNCIL? NO, WE ARE THE OFFICIAL BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO THIS LAKE.
MAY WE COME IN? HANG ON.
(shrieking) BLOODY SHARKS.
GET BACK IN GET IN.
GET IN.
(gives raspberry) WELL, THAT WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE END OF THE EXPEDITION.
THE MAGNA CARTA WAS IT A DOCUMENT SIGNED AT RUNNYMEDE IN 1215 BY KING JOHN PLEDGING INDEPENDENCE OR WAS IT A PIECE OF CHEWING GUM ON A BEDSPREAD IN DORSET? THE LATTER IDEA IS THE BRAINCHILD OF A MAN NEW TO THE FIELD OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH.
MR.
BADGER, WHY WHY ARE YOU ON THIS PROGRAM? (in Scottish accent): WELL, I THINK I CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION MOST SUCCESSFULLY IN MIME.
BUT WHY DORSET? (laughter) WELL, I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME BEEN SUFFERING FROM A SPECIES OF BRAIN IN JURY WHICH I INCURRED DURING THE RIGORS OF CHILDBIRTH AND I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE BY PUTTING MY FINGER UP MY NOSE.
MR.
BADGER, I THINK YOU'RE THE SILLIEST PERSON WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS PROGRAM AND SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
MY WIFE MAUREEN RAN OFF WITH A BOTTLE OF BELL'S WHISKEY DURING THE ABERDEEN VERSUS RAITH ROVERS MATCH WHICH ENDED IN A GOAL-LESS DRAW.
ROBSON, PARTICULARLY, IN GOAL, HAD A MAGNIFICENT FIRST HALF HIS FINE POSITIONAL SENSE PREVENTING THE BUILD-UP OF ANY SEVERE PRESSURE ON THE SUSPECT ABERDEEN DEFENSE.
McLOUGHLAN MISSED AN EASY CHANCE TO CLINCH THE GAME TOWARDS THE FINAL WHISTLE BUT RAITH MUST BE WELL SATISFIED WITH THEIR POINT.
DO PLEASE GO ON.
THIS IS THE LEAST FASCINATING CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, SIR? YES, MR.
BADGER, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO START WITH? UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY TO START WITH.
FOR FIRST COURSE, SIR? AYE.
AND FOR MAIN COURSE, SIR? UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY FOR MAIN COURSE AND I'LL FOLLOW THAT WITH A WHISKEY FOR PUDDING.
YES, SIR, AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE WITH IT, SIR? A WHISKEY? NO, A BOTTLE OF WINE.
(laughter) "FINE, SIR," HE SAID BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH KNOWING FULL WELL IT WAS A MOST UNREWARDING PART.
THIS IS THE SILLIEST SKETCH I'VE EVER BEEN IN.
SHALL WE STOP IT? YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (applause) (music ends with fart) (cheering)