Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

1
Merry Christmas!
It's officially Christmas morning.
In New Zealand.
Ho ho. Hope is for the weak.
Oh. The Masked Man
from his sled of bones
pulled by undead reindeer has spoken.
Our servers are holding steady
as all the Kiwi boys and
girls play their copies
of Mythic Quest.
One time zone down, and 20 to go.
Now, guys
we are gonna have
some good old fashion,
yuletide fun! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo! Rejoice!
- Rejoice!
- Jo. Jo, not today.
Guys, come on. Where's
your Christmas spirits?
At home with our families.
Yes, see Okay Look, I
Guys, I know, I know it's hard
to be away from your
families at Christmas.
But we're essential workers.
We're working today so all
the kids around the world
can play their favorite game
without our servers crashing.
And And yes, it involves
sitting around and waiting.
But, hey, guess who else sits
around and waits to jump into action?
- Peepers.
- No, not peepers.
Uh, firefighters. Right?
So, like firefighters, we sit and
we wait, we talk, we bond, you know,
- we have a big pot of chili.
- There's chili?
There's no chili. Chili's
not a festive food.
It's not "Christmassy." But
we have a hot cocoa bar. Right?
And we have a crafts
table, a lot of decorations,
and we have a beautiful tree.
There's someone in front of it.
Worker! Move.
O-Okay.
Yeah, there it is!
Look at that, guys, huh? That's
fun, right? Come on, guys.
It's gonna be fun. It's
gonna be better than fun.
Today is gonna be the
best Christmas ever!
Deck the halls with the
bowels of your enemies.
Okay, we are through China.
Servers are holding strong.
You know what that means?
We're gonna be raffling
off another prize soon.
Because every time we clear a
time zone, someone gets a prize.
A lot of them are made in China
too so, little bit of a theme.
No. No, no, no. No.
David, can I make my holiday remarks
now or should I wait till later?
What are you doing here?
What? It's the holiday party. I
come every year. Why wouldn't I be?
Oh, I don't know, because,
uh, you don't work here.
You've been warned to
stay off this floor.
You're technically a competitor
Oh, well, look, I'm
not actually here here.
I'm just here for Poppy.
She's just so lonely.
She doesn't have anybody
to spend the holiday with.
Oof. So sad.
If only she could program a friend.
- Oh, she's definitely tried.
- Yeah.
Tell you what, I'll give you
a 100 bucks if you let us stay.
No All right, fine. I'll take it.
But it's only because I need
money for the party fund.
'Cause I'm trying to
give a nice Christmas
to all the employees 'cause they, uh,
are not getting nice Christmas bonuses.
David, David, you can't
say that word, "Christmas."
You just shouldn't say it.
Oh, come on. Don't
Don't be a Scrooge.
Don't bring your Scrooge energy in here.
I'm not being a Scrooge.
You You don't wanna remind them
that they're working on a holiday.
You need to distract them from the fact
they're away from their families.
No, see, that's exactly
why I wanna make it special.
You know, I wanna recreate
that feeling of Christmas.
You know, when you wake up as a
kid and there's snow on the ground.
And people are giving presents,
and everyone's singing,
and everyone's happy.
Is that what Christmas
was like for you as a kid?
No. No, no, no. No, I
I grew up in Phoenix.
It was very hot and dry, and my parents
would fight like crazy
on Christmas, yeah.
But I would hide out in my room
and I'd stare at a snow globe,
and I'd imagine the perfect Christmas.
God, that's, like, so sad.
That's some of the
happiest times of my life.
No, that's sadder than even
Poppy trying to make a friend.
It doesn't matter. The point is
you have to make this fun, you
know? The way Poppy and I used to.
What?
- All you two did was get everyone drunk.
- Fun.
- We caught that couple fornicating.
- Really fun.
- He got her pregnant.
- Less fun.
Look, this is my year, okay?
I'm in charge, and we're doing
it how I wanna do it, okay?
So if you stay
you gotta join the party.
'Cause David Brittlesbee will not rest
till every employee and ex-employee
is filled with the holiday spirit.
He's watching porn.
Huh? What? Anthony!
No! No porn.
It's Christmas.
That's exactly why you
shouldn't be watching it. Off.
There should be chili.
Merry Christmas.
It feels good to be able to
say that again, doesn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't think you'd be here today.
I thought you would've
gone home for the holidays.
Did your family not invite you either?
Uh, no. They They
did, and I was going to,
but, um, I decided to stay for Ian
'cause he has no one to
celebrate Christmas with.
It's kinda sad.
You're such a good person.
No coal in your stocking this year.
Anyway, I got you a present.
O-Oh, for m-me?
Of course. What kind of
friend would I be if I didn't?
It's a necklace.
It's a piece of metal from the
car that you crushed with the tank.
You can wear it and
always remember the day
that we had brunch and became friends.
- Here.
- Oh, wow, Jo, thanks.
It's so Ow. It's sh It's sharp.
Well, you know, relationships
are supposed to be painful, right?
Are they?
Yes.
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
Oh no, did I do friendship wrong again?
Stupid!
I don't know any of the rules.
No, uh no.
It's just, I I just
didn't get anything for you.
I don't understand. Do you not
celebrate Christmas in Australia?
We do. It's just that I
I didn't realize
that y-you considered me a friend.
Oh.
I see. Yeah.
- So, you did friendship wrong.
- What?
Oops.
So, these are the monitors
where we track player data,
analytics and player engagement
and, uh, spending habits
Is this gross?
No. This is hot. And you look cute.
Really?
Yeah. You're giving
ChapStick lesbian chic.
I'm meeting your parents
for the first time.
- It's kind of a big deal.
- Well, this is a big deal.
You're head of monetization now.
Hey, let's take a picture.
- Okay.
- Say, "Merry Christmas."
- Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas.
Ah! Jesus Christ.
It's cool. I got crop tool.
What up, HOMIE?
In celebration of our first
joint monetization launch,
I brought us these.
A grande mochaccino.
It's 360 calories, in case
you were worried about it.
- I wasn't.
- Great. Me neither.
Why are you so cheery?
Oh, uh, I don't know.
I just love Christmas.
It's the one time of year when everyone
expresses their love financially.
It's the high holy day of capitalism.
Mmm. Now, that's gross.
Can we launch this feature
so that Dana and I can go?
Because we're meeting her
family for midnight mass.
Yeah. Let's make it snow.
Introducing, The Red
Nose Reindeer Package.
It gives players night
vision for 24 hours.
- So cute. Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Supes cute. And supes limited.
With only 100,000 noses produced,
oh, how the players will love it.
- That's not cute.
- Nope.
- Mmm.
- That's not how I wanted to do it.
I wanted to make them unlimited
and sell them at a lower price point
so that everyone could enjoy them.
Okay, socialism on Christmas? Yuck!
Hold on, isn't Brad your assistant?
Huh.
No, no, no. I'm not her assistant.
I'm assisting her to live
up to her true potential.
Much like, you know, Emperor
Palpatine mentored Darth Vader.
I am not Darth Vader.
Okay, fine. Darth Maul.
Why are all your Star
Wars references villains?
They're the heroes.
You're insane.
Okay. Look, Rache,
do you think Poppy liked when I
used Playpen to create new games?
She yelled at me.
She told me to shove Tim
Tams up my bogan shit-maker.
But I knew I was right.
You know, I just I
just saw it. Is that weird?
Yeah.
No, it's hot.
Brad, we're gonna do this my way.
And because I don't drink animal milk
and caffeine gives me a mucky belly,
I want an oat milk latte that's
decaf. And please and thank you.
You heard the HOMIE.
Okay, yeah. Be right back with that.
Man, this is so depressing.
Yeah. What a waste of
Carol not being here, huh?
I know, right? No one getting hammered.
No one making decisions they're
gonna regret in the morning.
What's the point of a holiday
party if you can't do stupid shit?
Doesn't even feel like Christmas.
Attention, guys.
We have a very urgent
message from Santa Claus.
He has a very special gift he
wants to give you all for Christmas.
Bonuses?
No. Something money can't buy.
Singing!
Yeah, we're all gonna sing
together, Christmas carols.
I got a karaoke machine.
Uh, well, it's
Worker! Move.
Yeah. There it is.
Aah! Isn't it great?
He's gonna make these people sing?
These freakazoids can't
even maintain eye contact.
We are singing Christmas carols
and posting it on the MQ
social website tomorrow
for the entire world to see.
Call your parents 'cause you're
gonna get 15 minutes of fame.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, holy night!
A karaoke machine? Is
that where my money went?
Your money? What money?
I slipped him a little bit of cash
to let us stay. To cheer you up.
What? I bribed him to cheer you up.
- Really?
- Yes, a hundred bucks, cash.
Me too.
- He swindled us.
- Ah! The little devil.
Wait.
Why did you think I needed cheering up?
Oh, well, 'cause your family hates you
and you have nowhere to go.
Where did you get that
from? My family love me.
They're just They're in Melbourne.
It's a 16-hour flight, so
They went to Hawaii
and didn't invite you.
Yes. But the Airbnb had limited beds,
and so we all On the group
chat, uh, they s told me
There was a two-day
layover in San Diego.
Whatever. You're spending
Christmas alone too.
Well, I don't really do family.
Uh, more like family
doesn't do you. Ask your son.
Oh, you know, we're just
We're sniping at each other
and I think it's because
it's the holidays.
And also this party sucks ass.
But the point is, we actually did
something sweet for one another.
Yeah, we kinda did. Aw.
Yeah. I mean, I like you.
I want you to be happy.
Yeah, and I just wanna look out for you.
That's really nice.
- We do nice.
- I think we have to agree, though,
that the people we really need to
do something for The employees.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's show these freakazoids
how to have some real fun.
Yeah.
You keep calling them freakazoids,
but you know you're one of them, right?
Refresh.
Damn, look at that.
You made almost half a mil
and you did it your way.
Refresh.
'Cause you saw it, girl.
Let this be a lesson,
don't doubt yourself.
Refresh.
Oh, my God!
Over $500,000 in two hours! I knew it!
You knew it! Yes.
Oh, my God. I bet at this rate
you're gonna outearn Brad's plan
by Christmas morning.
- You wanna stay up all night and find out?
- Uh-huh.
Totally.
- Hey, girlfriend.
- Oh, hi.
Merry Christmas.
Oh. Merry Christmas.
What What is that?
It's a gift. From brunch. It's for you.
Wow.
I didn't realize we were doing gifts.
So you did friendship wrong too?
No No, I don't Well, I
Is she gonna hurt me?
- She scares me.
- She's really scary.
Happy "hell-idays."
Officially ready for caroling, guv'nor!
Jo?
Jo, come on out. Let me see.
Oh! You look lovely.
I feel foolish.
No, well, dressing up is a little
foolish. That's kind of the fun of it.
No, I mean about thinking I had friends.
Oh, Jo. Hey, come on.
Forgive and forget.
It's Christmas, innit?
You know, today's a day to celebrate
for all of mankind. Or womankind?
Everyone. Okay?
Don't hold a grudge.
Hold a lantern.
Okay.
Yes. That's the spirit, yeah!
Now, harness your inner Judy and
smile for the camera. Perk up!
David, I've been harnessing my
inner Judy for quite a while.
I take Adderall in the
morning to boost productivity,
a beta-blocker when
my body stresses out,
an Ativan when my brain stresses out
and then instead of
barbiturates, I smash my head
against a wall until I pass out.
That's great. Yeah. Now,
just do all that with a smile.
Great.
Okay, okay! Who's ready to sing?
Where the hell is everybody?
Hey! Hey! Come on.
A place of business, guys.
Anthony! What the hell is going on?
Game jam.
We're making mini-games using
Poppy's tool set. It's rad.
Well, hey, man, it's
it's rad upstairs! You know?
I mean, we're we're
gonna sing Christmas carols
and and we're giving
away a lot of cool prizes.
Poppy and Ian are giving away a Porsche.
What?
How did they even get that in here?
Attention, ladies and
gentlemen, gentlemen and ladies.
In just a few minutes, we're going
to be raffling away Poppy's Porsche!
And also, it's never been driven!
Which is absolutely astonishing.
Totally wasted on her.
- But at least it will go to somebody
- Hey, guys guys, really?
who appreciates it.
Hey! What is this?
- Fun! Right?
- Uh, yeah, this would be considered fun.
No. No, this is not fun.
This? This is an orgy.
Look Guys, please.
Can you, you know
It's a workplace, I'm sorry.
Bud, I don't know how
many orgies you've been to,
but this is definitely not an orgy vibe.
So not orgy.
Yeah. You've never had sex.
Guys, this was supposed
to be my Christmas.
But you couldn't let
me have it, could you?
- You had to do it your way.
- No, David. We're not doing this for us.
- We're doing it for them.
- The freakazoids.
- Stop calling them freakazoids.
- Why?
- I don't know what a freakazoid is.
- You know.
- Look, that, these ones, th Over there.
- These people all look exactly like you.
I had a whole thing planned, you know?
We were gonna wear Victorian outfits.
We were gonna sing Christmas carols.
It was gonna be like a
white Christmas theme.
We were gonna connect everyone
together. It was gonna be special.
Yeah. But, Dave, nobody
wanted to do that.
I wanted to do it.
But you know what? Whatever.
You say you're doing
it for other people,
but you guys are doing
it for yourselves.
Like you always do.
So, great. Fine.
Wait, wait, wait. Well, hol
David. Don't be like that.
Attention, everybody! Guys?
Christmas is canceled!
- No, it it's not a good thing!
- I don't think they can hear you.
I think they can and they were
celebrating him saying that. Um
Christmas is canceled. Stop the music.
No more fun. Everyone back to work.
Aw!
- Come on, Dave
- Bah humbug.
David, we just
I said, "bah humbug."
Move. Back to work.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I've subjugated myself to a nitwit.
I offered my friendship
to unworthy women.
I allowed myself to be debased.
I made myself vulnerable
and was humiliated.
We've made mistakes.
We'll learn from them.
The pain is knowledge.
- It will make us stronger.
- Yes.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Yo!
Hi, Brad.
Just a little update here.
I wanted to let you know
that I just made us a
million dollars my way, baby.
Sorry?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you
Did you not hear me? Um
I just made us a million
dollars! That's right,
the dirty socialist just made
this company one million buckaroos!
So stick that in your pipe and smoke
So the company gets a
Christmas bonus, but we don't?
No bonuses, no chili.
I'm very sorry, David. I'm very
Take all this crap
down. Take it all down!
And this too. Stupid tree.
Socialist.
Everybody back to work.
No more Christmas!
- Hmm
- And no unionizing!
Merry Christmas.
Oof. This is bleak.
David, it's us!
- It's locked.
- Oh, really? Okay.
- Step aside, I'm just gonna kick it in.
- Wha You're gonna bust the door down?
Yeah. What do you want me to
do? Suppress a primal instinct?
- I
- In fact, I'm gonna donkey kick it.
- No, do not donkey kick anything!
- Back up.
What do you want?
Oh. Hey, Jo, let us in.
We need to talk to David.
Yeah, we want to apologize.
Sorry, this room is for friends only.
And neither of you
are friends of David's.
You're not my friend either.
You're just some woman with
BO I went to brunch with.
What do you want me to do with them?
Tell them I'm working.
Like any other day.
- Dave Can we just talk to you, bud?
- We just wanna talk.
David says, "Stick
your dick in a blender."
- He very clearly did not say that.
- I don't
- We can hear him.
- He's right there, we
- Yeah.
- Stick your dick in a blender.
Just go stick your dicks in blenders.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Dave.
- I kinda think we messed this up.
- Yeah.
No wonder our families hate us.
Well, again, mine is more
of a scheduling issue
I know, Pop. I know.
Oh, my God. I feel so bad.
Everyone is so mad at me.
Can you please help me fix this?
Oh, so now you need
my help? How delicious.
Not as delicious as the
two mochaccinos I had.
You drank both of those?
- It was 720 calories.
- Okay, can we focus please?
Will you just help me
make everyone happy?
Stop that.
If you wanna be good at this job,
stop trying to make people happy
and start trying to make money.
Palpatine's got a point.
What?
It's human nature.
Sometimes when people feel you're
trying too hard to please them,
it might seem off-putting.
- Annoying.
- We're trying not to use the A-word.
- We're not using the A-word, Brad.
- Okay, fine.
The point is, you
gotta cut that shit out
if you're gonna work under me.
No. Over me?
Wait, no.
You gotta cut that shit out
if we're gonna work together.
Okay. Great. Fine. I will
work on that tomorrow.
But can you just fix it now?
For Christmas?
I might have an idea that's
a little bit capitalist
and a little bit socialist.
I'm not sure it's gonna work.
- Might take some time.
- That's fine. We have all night.
Dana, text your family.
I will get us coffees.
You know, if she's Vader, and
I'm Palpatine, that makes you
I'm Yoda, bitch.
David. David.
David, wake up, wake up.
It's Christmas morning.
It is? Where?
Here.
What the
Hey. Merry Christmas, David!
Merry Christmas!
We wanted you to have
a proper Christmas.
- Do you like it?
- It's incredible. How did you do all this?
Oh, it was super easy. We just
forced the art department to come in,
and they just whipped it up.
They were super happy to help out.
Everyone was, thanks to
the generous Christmas bonus
that you gave them.
- The bon The bonus?
- Yeah. Thanks, David!
Thanks, David!
And there's chili!
Chili!
Yay!
We had the art department
make the chili too.
Jesus Christ. What is it with the chili?
Hey, Jo.
Um, we have something
for you. A bonus bonus.
What is it?
- It's your very own game!
- Ga Video game.
- Brunch Crushers?
- Yeah.
Uh, Poppy made it
with her Playpen tools.
You, um, crush brunching
women in a tank.
It's simple and stupid, and
you you probably don't
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh.
It's beautiful.
- Good.
- We should get brunch every week.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah Yeah.
We should go on vacation together.
- A trip is
- That's a big commitment for friends.
- We But th One day
- It's Yeah.
You know, we might
This is a long hug. Uh
On Slasher, on Smasher,
on Basher and Sick One.
Scary Christmas to all,
and to all a good fright.
That's it, everybody! It's
officially Christmas morning!
So, what do you think, bud?
Uh, the best Christmas ever.
It's about to get a whole lot better.
What the hell?
It's sick!
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's, uh it's time
for the the sing-along!
Oh, that's okay. Yeah, we would've
had to record the video already.
- We'll do it live!
- Look, we're streaming.
- Ready. Three
- What?
two, one!
Christmas, Christmas
time is near ♪
Time for toys and time for cheer ♪
We've been good, but we can't last ♪
Hurry, Christmas, hurry fast ♪
Want a plane that loops the loop ♪
Me, I want a Hula-Hoop ♪
We can hardly stand the wait ♪
Please, Christmas, don't be late ♪
What is this?
- Can we breathe this in, David?
- Hey, Phil. Turn off the snow
- Where did you get all the snow?
- Is it poison?
- I feel faint.
- So bad for your lungs.