Never Have I Ever (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

1
[birds chirping]
[alarm blaring]
[turns off alarm]
[Samberg] Welcome back
to the amped-up brain
of Sherman Oaks'
favorite little try-hard, Ben Gross.
I am Andy Samberg,
and I'll once again be your guide
to this kid's complicated interior life.
Feel free to check your coats at the door,
folks, because our boy has no chill.
[exhales] Let's go.
[Samberg] Indeed, Ben, let us go.
Drink the blood ♪
- No bitterness, just sweet ♪
- [dings]
This disco ball ♪
All right, crunch time.
You got this.
[Samberg] Ever since he was little,
Ben had wanted to go to Columbia,
just like his father had.
But he knew that the only way
to make sure he'd get in
was to become an academic machine.
You flicker then you're gone ♪
Time for breakfast, my little prince.
No time, Patty. I gotta get to school.
You cannot think if you do not eat.
You need to fuel that big,
handsome brain of yours.
It's okay.
I'll just eat a jerky stick on the way.
While your parents are in Arizona,
I am in charge,
and you are working too hard.
You must slow down.
I can't. There's too much at stake.
Plus, people aren't rooting
for rich kids anymore.
We're in a post
Operation Varsity Blues society, Patty.
My dad can't just buy my way
onto an Ivy League crew team
like in the old days.
[Samberg] I'm sure
he didn't really mean it like that.
He knows bribing your way
into college is wrong. I hope.
Party like a human ♪
[sighs]
Hey, watch where you're going, dumbass.
What'd you just call me?
Nothin'. I I was just talking to myself.
[school bell ringing]
Time to go to class, dumbass. [chuckles]
- Okay.
- [clears throat]
- [Trent] What's up?
- You look hungry.
- Do I? [grunting]
- Yes. Get him. Get him.
- Come on.
- [Samberg] That doesn't even seem fun.
Who needs
developmentally crucial male bonding
when you've got an A-plus diorama
of the Irish Potato Famine.
Wow, that sentence made me sad.
Oh my God ♪
I've been looking for another solace ♪
Too easy.
We could spend a very, very long time ♪
I've been looking for my old teacher ♪
Dreams and sleep, here we are ♪
They say, "No way"
We say, "Let's play"
I'm looking for the wizard ♪
We believe in you ♪
We believe in ♪
We believe in ♪
We believe in you ♪
- [Trent laughing]
- [Ben sighs]
I wanted to help you out,
but not as much as I wanted
to see those books fall. [snorts]
[Ben sighs]
- [groans]
- [stomach gurgles]
[Principal Grubbs] Ben Gross.
There you are. [chuckles]
We need to talk.
I just found out
that you're taking ten classes.
That's crazy.
You need to drop two classes immediately.
What? No.
This is the second semester
of junior year.
I can't slow down now.
I mean, it's almost D-Day, baby.
Do not call me "baby."
Sorry. It just sort of
rolled out of my mouth.
Look, Ben, your schedule is untenable.
You don't have a lunch period anymore.
I don't need a lunch period.
I have a system.
Mm-hmm, yes,
I've seen you with your meat sticks.
Look, you have until tomorrow
to drop two classes or I will drop them.
You can't do this.
I already did, baby.
Mr. Hall-Yoshida!
I'm still waiting on that college essay.
Yep, I'm on it. I'm basically done.
Oh, so you'll be sending it over tonight?
Totally.
You told me that yesterday,
and I got nothing.
Probably went to spam.
Don't lie to my face, little boy.
Get me that essay.
- You got it.
- Mm-hmm.
And why are you still standing here?
Don't you have a class to get to?
[scoffs]
[grunts] All right,
another fun group project this week.
You're gonna create presentations based
on the next few units in your syllabus
and then teach those units to the class.
Wait. Are you asking us
to make lesson plans and then teach them?
Isn't that your job?
That's a lot
of nit-picking from you, Devi.
Who do you think you are, my wife?
[chuckles] Sorry. Ex-wife.
[Samberg] If it wasn't clear already,
Mr. Brighton was going through
an acrimonious divorce,
and he wasn't handling it well.
Um, get into groups of three.
Shouldn't be that hard to choose.
It's like how my two sons
chose their mother.
So, you wanna team up?
You're the only person in class
who hates group projects as much as I do.
Yeah. My last group partner
transferred classes
because he claimed my emails
were "violently smug."
Oh, look who it is.
Two of my closest friends in school,
Crazy Devi and, uh, this dude.
Trent, are you trying to be in our group
just so you can get an A?
How dare you suggest that?
I was coming over to say hey
and to inquire about your well-being.
You can be in our group if you use your
fake ID to buy us beer whenever we want.
Deal.
All right.
Uh, I have some free time between 1:15
and 2:00 a.m. tonight to work on this.
- That good for you guys?
- Are you out of your mind?
We're not operating
on your psycho schedule.
Both of you guys
just come to my house after school.
No, I can't. That's when I Zoom
with my Mandarin teacher.
Okay. Trent will do your section,
and I'll just put your name on it.
[both] No.
I'll be there.
- Hmm.
- [sighs in relief]
I've never gotten so close
to having to do work.
[Samberg] Okay, looks like
Ben's overbooked afternoon
was now even more overbooked.
But if anyone could do it,
- Ben could.
- [groaning]
[Samberg] Yeesh! You okay, little dude?
[exhales]
[dog barking in distance]
Okay. We have to cover chapter six,
Circular Motion and Gravitation.
With all dude respect,
I can't do that chapter
because of religious reasons.
My belief system
does not include a "round" Earth. [scoffs]
Trent, how are you in AP physics?
I just signed up.
I figured if I'm gonna get a D anyway,
why not get a D in an AP class
because it basically counts as a C.
That's actually not that bad of a plan.
It's certainly better than the one
you're working with now.
It's actually not, because I do have an F.
What's wrong with my plan?
- It's insane.
- Because I'm taking ten classes?
No, I'm taking eleven classes,
but three of them are bullshit electives.
Two arts and a class
that's a nature walk once a week.
- My homework was to pick up an acorn.
- You think that'll get you into Princeton?
[scoffs] How much you smoking
on the nature walks?
They might look at my résumé
and see a couple of easy A's,
but it still will be better
than when you get a bunch of B's.
[gasps] How dare you?
I would never get a B.
You will if you keep grinding away
at your bonkers schedule.
[laughs] I am really looking forward
to becoming Valedictorian
and looking at you sitting alphabetically
with the rest of the losers at graduation.
Over my dead bu [groans]
[laughing] Did you just say,
"Over my dead butt"?
I love that. Can I steal that from you?
[Nalini] Devi, what
Devi, what did I tell you about closing
the door when boys are here?
You do not have to worry about these two.
They barely register as boys to me.
God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner.
Will you be joining us?
Ugh! No, thanks.
I'll just eat some frozen crap later.
[sighs]
[indistinct music playing]
All right, guys,
I'll compile our work together
and send it over to Ben
because obviously,
you have a better printing situation.
I will buy more black ink
when we use up all the cyan.
Trent and Ben, you both are
more than welcome to join if you'd like.
I wish I could,
but I have six more hours of homework.
Damn, six hours of homework?
Are you in medical school? [chuckles]
- It's you.
- Hey, Devi.
[Samberg] Who the dick is this?
And why is she looking at him like that?
[McEnroe] Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here.
Let me clarify.
That's Des, and the reason why Ben
doesn't remember him
is because while Devi and Des
were doing this at Trent's party,
your boy was doing this.
[Ben retching]
[groaning]
[Samberg] Oh, right,
the cousin who wasn't a cousin.
Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night.
Mom, can I steal you for a moment?
- Why didn't you tell me we had guests?
- [Nalini] I did, 30 minutes ago.
But you didn't tell me
her son was coming too. God!
[Samberg] In this moment, Ben forgot
about his mountain of homework.
The only thing that mattered was seeing
what the vibe was between these two.
You know what?
I'd actually love to stay for dinner.
It smells amazing.
- Aw.
- [Trent] No doy.
The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro.
Hmm.
So, Des, what a fun surprise
seeing you. [chuckles]
What you been up to?
Maybe camping
in the woods with no service?
Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree?
Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse.
This kid is nonstop texting all day long.
Wow. Nonstop texting?
- Fascinating.
- Is it?
Well, sometimes my texts don't go through
because service is spotty and stuff.
Hmm.
[Samberg] Yikes.
Now Ben was getting the picture,
and his pangs of jealousy
were turning to pity
knowing Devi had been ditched
by yet another pretty dummy.
Oh, we got big news today.
- Desi, tell Nalini Auntie.
- Mom, come on, I don't need
Okay, fine. If you don't want
to brag about yourself, then I will.
Des got into Stanford early.
- [chokes, coughs]
- [Samberg] And now we're back to jealousy.
Are you all right, Ben?
Food shouldn't be too spicy.
I added milk to yours.
Oh, no, I'm I'm okay.
[indistinct chatter]
So, how about that dinner last night?
Someone seemed a little thirsty.
Yeah. You.
When you found out
that Des was going to Stanford,
you were like trying so hard
to one-up him.
Mmm, no, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were. You started speaking
to him in Mandarin out of nowhere.
Mm, I don't remember that.
Mmm.
I filmed it
so I can make fun of you later.
[in Mandarin] You don't speak Mandarin?
That's surprising.
Everyone really should speak it
with how globalized the world is becoming.
Whatever. So what's your deal with him?
Do you, like, like him or something?
Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people
we like now with each other?
Yeah, why not?
I mean, you see me plowing my way
through half the girls at school.
Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird.
He asked me for my number,
and then I never heard from him again.
But last night,
he was a little flirty, right?
- With his mom? Yes.
- Ben!
Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there.
But it was hard to tell
with how lame you were being.
"I don't know if I'm gonna apply to
Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit."
[scoffs] Let's be clear.
You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford.
Do you want me to smack that meat tube out
of your tiny hands and beat you with it?
Fine. You want my advice?
Stop trying so hard.
- Just be yourself and ask him out.
- Really?
Yeah. What do you have to lose?
Certainly not your dignity.
Okay, guys, the moment has come.
Turn in your essays
on how you will use calculus in real life.
Wait, what?
We did an essay in math?
That doesn't even make sense.
It does make sense
if you're a public school teacher
who's been disrespected
for almost three decades.
[Samberg] Ben had missed this assignment
because he had started listening
to an audiobook of King Lear
midway through yesterday's class.
- Pointless? Well, that is it.
- [King Lear audiobook playing]
You'll all be writing an essay explaining
how you use calculus in real life.
I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow?
Calculus not a priority for you, Ben?
Maybe you want to spend your time
on more practical subjects
like personal finance or health?
No, I just
Guess what, Ben?
You get a zero on this assignment.
[scoffs] A zero? No,
but if I get a zero on this essay,
- that will bring my grade down to a
- B.
Okay, so, Savannah,
you're the one who said, quote,
"It's hella pointless to learn
this wack-ass math I'll never use."
So, why don't you read your essay first?
[Samberg] The worst had happened.
Ben had gotten a B.
His GPA would be pulled down
to the disgusting upper fours.
But he couldn't even focus on that
because something extraordinarily painful
was happening to his insides.
[groans loudly]
Oh, hey, you okay?
[grunts] I think my appendix burst.
I gotta go to the hospital.
- Oh shit.
- [groaning]
[Paxton grunts]
Can you please carry me
in a less emasculating way? [yelps]
[woman over PA] Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis.
It's not? Are you sure?
Where'd you do your residency?
[gasps] Are you still doing it?
I'm going to ignore that series
of questions and cut to the chase.
It appears the pain you're experiencing
is the result
of impacted fecal matter in your colon.
Most likely caused by stress
and poor diet.
Excuse me?
W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit?
[sighs] Yes,
I guess you could put it that way.
[Samberg] Yeah, not really a diagnosis
you want to get
in front of the most popular kid
at your school.
When was the last time
you had a bowel movement?
Uh, I don't think it's been that long,
like, if today's Thursday
Sixteen days?
- [Samberg] Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume
of waste in your body,
we will need to perform
a surgical procedure
to remove it immediately.
Wait. What am I supposed to do?
My parents are in Phoenix.
My dad's helping Devin Booker launch
his new skincare line called NBAgeless.
I know. I contacted your parents,
and they referred me to your babysitter,
Patty Shevchenko,
but we haven't been able to reach her.
Is there another adult
who can stay with you?
Um, I'm 18.
I can stay while you empty
the shit from him.
[Samberg] If there is a just
and merciful God, just kill Ben.
- Kill him now.
- [sighs defeatedly]
[doctor] Mr. Gross.
Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure.
How do you feel?
[sighs]
Good. I think.
Now we just need you and your adult friend
to wait here until you pass gas.
[Samberg] And the humiliation
keeps a-coming.
It's standard.
Just so we know your GI tract
is functioning properly post-op.
So how big a fart we talking here, Doc?
Like a real sheet rustler?
Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys.
Well, this is mortifying.
You know, I kinda thought
getting cheated on by Devi
would've been the end
of our journey together.
Yeah. Yet, here we are.
Waiting for your farts.
[sighs]
So, how is Devi?
She's good, I guess.
Actually, she kind of has
this new guy now,
and weirdly he's sort of a combo
of the two of us if we were also Indian.
[chuckles]
I always wondered how she liked
both of us at the same time.
You know, because we're so different.
Yeah, you're a cool hunk,
and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it.
No, I I didn't mean it like that.
I actually used to be
kinda jealous of you.
Huh? Why?
Because you're smart like she is.
That's, like, a connection
I could never have.
Yeah, well,
being smart isn't all that
it's cracked up to be.
You probably don't go
to the hospital very often
with stress-induced constipation.
No, I definitely don't. [laughs]
So, why are you so stressed out?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because my entire life trajectory
is determined by the outcome
of the next six months.
Are you talking about college?
Dude, you'll get into college.
I don't want to get into just any college.
I want to go to Columbia,
and I'm not sure if I can get in.
So then you don't get in. Who cares?
No, not "who cares?"
- I have to get in.
- Or what?
Or all this work was for nothing.
My future is ruined,
and I disappoint myself,
and my family, and, you know, my dad.
This is all about your dad?
Dude, tell him to go to hell.
You work so hard,
you haven't had time to shit in two weeks.
If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you.
[inhales sharply] Not because
of the not shitting part
but because of the hardworking part.
Thanks. Let's change the subject.
What are you working on?
Ugh. This stupid college essay.
The question sucks.
"Discuss an event
that shaped you into who you are."
I just I don't know how to answer it.
Hmm. Do you not know what an event is?
What the fuck, man?
I know what an event is, dude.
I just
I don't really know who I am.
[scoffs] Gimme a break. What do you mean
you don't know who you are?
You're the only person
at our school who's not a nobody.
The lunch ladies
named a dessert after you.
Yeah, that's all surface stuff.
That's not who I am.
Okay. Then who are you?
I don't know.
Like, I think
I'm someone [inhales deeply]
Forget it. This is embarrassing.
You can't possibly embarrass yourself
more than I have tonight, so get over it.
What do you know is true about yourself?
I mean, I'm a really good brother.
Maybe I could talk about
when my sister was adopted. I
Wait, you have an adopted sister?
That's essay gold.
Okay. Why don't you start making a list
of all the ways that she's helped you
learn about yourself?
Come on. I can help you.
[Samberg] And so,
after a humiliating afternoon,
things started to look up.
Not only did Ben finally get
some much-needed male bonding,
but also his fart arrived quietly
in the night,
rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril.
Hey, champ.
Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona?
Because my kid was in the hospital.
You okay?
[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.
The doctor said this was caused by stress.
Sounds like you might be a workaholic
like your old man.
Yeah.
But, um, actually,
I don't think I want to be.
Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back,
but that also might hurt my chances
of getting into Columbia.
And I know how much that means to you.
You know,
half the reason
I've worked so hard my whole life
was to make my dad proud of me.
I mean, he's been dead 30 years,
and I'm still trying
to impress the son of a bitch.
[chuckles softly]
Ben, I'm proud of you.
Wherever you go to college,
whatever you do in this life,
I'm proud of you.
[laughing] Come on, Dad.
No, I mean it.
And I want you to hear it.
I know I haven't always been the best dad,
but this is where I can
be better than mine.
You are a brilliant boy.
And I really love you.
[laughs] I love you too, Dad.
[Samberg] Finally, Ben heard the words
he'd been longing to hear.
And for the first time
since probably preschool,
he didn't feel stressed at all.
[sighs]
[Samberg] The next day,
Ben was lighter in more ways than one.
Morning, Principal Grubbs.
I've decided to drop
AP Calculus BC and statistics.
Good.
I'm so glad
you came to your senses. [laughs]
[Samberg] Ben finally realized
that Columbia was not the end-all be-all.
Would it be okay if I added
an elective though? Maybe art studio?
[Samberg] But he was still going to apply.
Fine.
Paxton! Oh!
Great job on the essay.
Very moving.
I didn't know
you could actually be so deep. [laughs]
I cried.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
["Rhinestone Summer"
by Innocent Bird playing]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Guess what? Des and I are going on a date.
- Wow. Did you blackmail him or something?
- Even worse. I took your advice.
I texted him and asked him if he wanted
to get FroYo sometime, and he said yes.
So, while it pains me to say this,
thank you.
[Samberg] This would normally prompt
a twinge of jealousy in Ben,
but if last night taught him anything,
it was that he needed to let go
of whatever caused him pain.
Do you wanna sit down?
No. I'm just grabbing a soda before class.
You know, I hope you don't blow it
with that guy, David.
He could be your meal ticket.
He wishes. I'm gonna be the first
ethical billionaire, like Rihanna.
[scoffs] No such thing.
[can clanks]
What the hell?
Yo, I heard you helped
my best friend last night.
- Um
- [Trent grunts]
[sighs] Any friend of my friend
is also my friend.
Oh, it's cool, Trent.
Noice. Wanna hang with us?
Like with you and the Hot Pocket?
- I don't know what that is.
- Oh, it's, uh
Never mind. Yeah, sure.
All right, come on.
[Samberg] And while Ben's future
was still undecided,
he was presently enjoying
his youth for once.
All right, McEnroe, get back in here.
Vacation's over,
you handsome son of a bitch.
["Rhinestone Summer" continues playing]