Night Court (2023) s03e06 Episode Script

1
The defendant is a jilted lover charged
with destruction of property
for branding her former partner
with a scarlet letter.
I'm sorry. Branding?
I think a couple of painted
shirts was not only warranted,
but also a classy literary reference.
According to the defendant,
this is not based
on any literary work.
The "A" is for "asshat."
Regardless, there is
nothing innocent about this man,
which this witness will attest to.
This is the TaskRabbit
that he hired to dump my client.
That's right.
We do all kinds of odd jobs.
Last week, I dressed up like
a ghost to scare a mean old man.
Time served.
And the next time you
have to deliver bad news,
do it like a normal coward
fake your own death.
Five-minute recess.
I'm sorry, sir,
models for the Nike shoot
are down the hall.
Just wanted to say hi
before I head to my pickup game.
Hi.
Jake. I didn't know you ball.
That seems kind of risky
in those ultra-low tops.
Well, they're primarily
to accommodate my bunions.
I'm in the middle
of a blister cycle
Say no more.
Please.
So, what'd you get me?
Our six-month anniversary?
The traditional gift is Tupperware.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I totally blew it. Stupid!
And I was just at a Tupperware store.
Just kidding.
People don't celebrate
six months of anything.
Unless your doctor only gave you five.
Well, I didn't know.
This is the longest
relationship I've ever been in.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at me laying
tracks on fresh powder.
- Anyway, have fun tonight.
- Okay.
Does anyone else think
it's weird that
He's never been in a relationship
more than six months? Hell, yeah.
- Weirdo.
- Big red flag.
Run.
Great. So we're all
on the same page, then.
♪♪
I'm probably overthinking
this-six month thing.
Maybe Jake is just unlucky in love.
Or maybe something really
freaky comes out at six months,
like he wants to make a suit
out of your skin.
Or worse he's a Disney adult.
No, I think I would know
if Jake was a secret freak.
- What was that?
- What was what?
Call Meryl Streep, Wyatt,
because that was doubt.
Okay, maybe
there's a little bit of doubt,
but that's just because
things started out so great.
I met his mom at three weeks.
I stopped pretending to like
his guitar playing at five.
And now it feels like we hit a wall.
We haven't even said "I love you."
Probably 'cause it's weird
to say "I love you"
to someone you're gonna
make into a suit.
Jake is definitely hiding something.
His sneakers? Those are not
bunion-accommodating basketball shoes.
These are bunion-accommodating
basketball shoes.
So So what are you saying?
That he's lying to me
about playing basketball
every Thursday?
I'll put it like this.
My ex-wife took a French
cooking class for a year.
Ask me how many quiches I had.
None, Abby. None quiches.
There's only one way to know for sure.
We tail him and do a stakeout. No
A Jake-out. Yeah, we all got there.
I'm not gonna spy
on my boy"Friends"
was a good show.
Monica was the neat one.
I just popped in to grab
a water for the game.
Oh. Hey. Uh, what if I came by tonight
- and watched you hoop it up?
- No!
I mean, you can't.
They keep spectators out
because there are some
pretty big celebrities who play.
Really? Like who?
Uh, Ariana Grande
and Everybody Loves Raymond.
Fun fact on the court,
not everybody loves him.
Anyway, see you later.
Okay, fine! We'll go on the Jake-out.
Well, how do you like that, Dan?
Nine wins in a row.
An entire baseball team being
convicted of indecent exposure
is one win, not nine.
I know it's a long shot,
but do you know
where I could get binoculars
this time of night?
Opera or stalking?
It's not stalking.
I'm just covertly following
my lying boyfriend
to see what he's up to.
So stalking, then.
Try the evidence locker.
A lot of peeping toms this week.
It's the weather.
Ooh! I don't miss those days.
Suspicious of every boyfriend,
eavesdropping on calls,
taking little cat naps on the
branch outside their window.
Yeah, I can't relate,
mostly because I'm not insane.
But also I'm a very good judge
of character.
Oh, really?
Because you did ask me out
while I was actively
planning your destruction.
Although, in your defense, uh,
you were blinded because
of your attraction to me,
and you probably still are.
Oh, Julianne, this is so exciting.
I've never used this phrase before.
- Hmm?
- As if.
Oh, really? So you have no
feelings for me whatsoever?
Even if I stroked your arm
and looked into your eyes
and listened while you explained
how the Brooklyn Bridge was built?
You wouldn't feel anything?
Oh, Julianne,
you're gonna have to do
a lot better than that.
Unlike the Brooklyn Bridge,
[NEW YORK ACCENT]
you ain't that hard to get over.
♪♪
You know,
when I agreed to do a stakeout,
I didn't realize that we'd be
in a car the color of the sun
with a license plate
that says "GURGS."
Don't worry. We know what we're doing.
He's getting out of his car! Get down!
Oh, he's getting something
out of the trunk.
Oh, it's a duffle bag.
See? The story checks out.
He's parked outside a gym
with a bag full of basketballs.
Those aren't basketballs.
And as the returning champion
of an unaired game show
called "What's In That Bag,"
I would know.
- You're crazy.
- Sorry, Abby.
I gotta know What's! In! That! Bag!
Gurgs, get back here.
Oh, no. I'm not here.
I'm not seeing this.
Uh, no one's seeing anything.
I think Gurgs just dropped
a smoke bomb for cover.
What?!
What did you do?!
You You took his bag?
I was in and out. Burn rubber, Wyatt!
- I'm in the back seat.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
These goggles don't work. I can't see.
[TIRES SCREECH]
I think we may have figured out
why Jake can't hold
on to a girlfriend.
I'm gonna say it.
I wish he was cheating on me.
Okay, there has to be an explanation
- for why Jake has this doll.
- There is.
You're not getting it
done in the bedroom.
We don't know it's that kind of doll.
Maybe he uses it as a companion.
So he's in the friend
zone with a sex doll?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Abs? It's Jake.
Why is the door locked?
Here I come. Um
I was just, uh, fighting off a dog!
- Woof-woof!
- [HIGH-PITCHED] Yip, yip!
I said a dog, not two dogs.
Just get rid of it!
Wh Are you all right?
It sounded like
you were fighting off two dogs.
Oh, yeah. It's okay.
Wyatt threw them out the window
when he could have easily
just put them in the closet!
- Have a good hoop sesh, babe?
- No, I was robbed.
Someone smoked-bombed
me and took my bag.
[ALL GASPING]
Do you have any idea who did it
or how yellow their car was?
Come on, Gurgs,
we should go down to the alley
and check on our friend.
She's no friend of mine.
She's sleeping
with my friend's boyfriend.
So sorry about your bag,
but the main thing is you're okay.
Yeah. I-I'm fine.
Actually, no, I'm not fine.
And I'm tired of lying to you.
Someone important to me
was in that bag,
someone I should have told you
about a long time ago.
Oh, oh, you don't need to.
I'm sure I'll learn
about her eventually,
at which point I'd either
be ready to get weird
or just tag out
and come back for cuddles.
The truth is, I don't play
basketball every week.
I'm
a cheerleader.
I was on my way to cheer tonight
when my training dummy got stolen.
I use her to practice lifts
and throws.
[LAUGHS] Of course!
It was a training dummy
you use to practice lifts and throws.
What else would you do with
a life-sized rubber woman?
You're really not freaked out?
Because the cheerleading
thing has been
a dealbreaker for other women.
Well, those women
clearly didn't consider
the more perverted alternatives.
I am just so happy
this is finally out in the open.
Ah, yes! Ah! Ah!
So Jake's a male cheerleader?
Yeah, that explains why he needs
a pretend lady in a duffel bag.
No, he uses her for lifts and throws.
Abby, I have two kids.
You don't have to
tell me how sex works.
This would have been nice to know
before you stole his doll and lost it.
Lost it? Doris is missing?
- She has a name?
- Yes, it's Doris,
and we're all fine with it.
Well, Doris was gone
when we got to the alley.
I don't know what you were thinking
when you threw her out the window.
Y-You really panicked.
Well, we have to find her,
or else Jake won't be able
to train for the second-biggest
adult-cheerleading competition
in Central Florida.
Man, can't anybody be a good,
old-fashioned sicko anymore?
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
Your sexy dress.
What is this, another move
in your little seduction game?
You thought you'd just throw
that on and I'd be all,
"Awoooga! Awooga!"?
Grow up.
It's just a dress.
But it's pretty telling
that you called it sexy.
It is objectively wanton. Gurgs.
How would you describe her dress?
I don't know. Black?
If I am a little more
dressed up tonight,
it's because I am seeing my boyfriend.
Oh, your boyfriend! Yes.
Who I'm hearing about for
the very first time right now.
Just admit what you're doing.
You don't have to go make up fake
- Julianna!
- Oh!
I know I've arrived too soon.
But I couldn't wait to see you.
- Mm.
- Ah.
Ew. Eh?
Oh, this is my boyfriend, Rodrigo.
And then this is my coworker,
uh, uh
Dan. That's right.
Oh, yes, the sad, lonely man
who still has amor for you.
- Mm.
- I can set you up with my sister.
She's unwanted,
but she has many extra teeth.
All right, look,
I don't have to be set up
with no shark-mouth sister, okay?
Hey, I've got a girlfriend.
Matter of fact,
she's coming here tonight.
My sister will be disappointed,
but this is nothing new to her.
She's cursed.
Well, we're having dinner
in the cafeteria.
Why don't you come by and say hello?
Otherwise, someone might think
you made your girlfriend up.
Pretty sexy dress for court, huh?
Where were you five minutes ago?
Okay! We're strong. We're tough.
We'll stab your team in the gut.
We're mean. We're rough.
We'll pull your spine out your butt!
Ah! Thank you so much
for helping me train for Tampa.
Sure, it was a lucky break
that I fit into
all of Doris's clothes.
You always had her
wear clothes, right?
Okay, so what do you think?
Should we do the full routine?
In the words of Doris
Let's do this.
Na-na-na-na-ah-ah ♪
Get on the floor ♪
Everybody go feel that beat ♪
Give me more ♪
Move that body
and stomp those feet ♪
Show me what you got,
sing it out, ah-la-la-la ♪
Clap one, two, three ♪
Come on and stomp all those feet ♪
Na-na-na-na-ah-ah ♪
Stomp those feet ♪
Na-na-na-na-ah-ah ♪
Stomp those feet ♪
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Ah!
- Ah! That was amazing.
Oh, so much better than the doll.
Your bones and organs
really add to the experience.
Oh. I'm blushing.
Oh, because of my real blood!
This might be the
happiest I've ever been.
Abby, I love you.
I love you, too.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
♪♪
Marge, listen,
I'm hiring you under the table
because I suspect this is not
a rabbit-sanctioned task, okay?
I need you to pretend
to be my girlfriend.
Nothing untoward. Just a quick hello,
prove you're real, and then leave.
It's your 45 minutes.
You don't even have to be
funny, and yet you are.
Oh, hi, Julianne.
I like to introduce you to Marge.
As you can see, you're
on a date with your boyfriend,
and I'm on a date with my girlfriend.
So if this was a contest,
we'd be even.
Uh, aren't you the TaskRabbit
from our case?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, nothing wrong with that.
The Obamas met at work, too.
Why don't you two join us for dinner?
Oh, no, no, no, no,
we wouldn't want to
Great. I am starving.
FYI, I can't chew my food
because of a gum condition,
so I swallow things
whole like a snake.
[SNORTS] Whatever my princess wants.
♪♪
We found her in FAO Schwarz
lying on the Tom Hanks piano.
She was facedown on a G-flat like
Bong ♪
So I guess we'll just
drop her off at the gym,
and Jake and start
training with her again.
Or here's another idea.
We don't.
Ever since Doris has been gone,
things have been going
really good with me and Jake.
He's not holding back anymore.
So what are you saying? [GASPS]
You want us to send Doris to
the big duffel bag in the sky?
No, but just hang on to her
for a few days.
Clean her up. Maybe give her a bath.
I don't want to give her a bath.
What if we connect?
I can't afford that right now.
You guys, just help me out here.
He told me he loves me.
You know, this makes sense.
It's called transference.
Jake came to emotionally
rely on the doll,
and now that it's gone,
he's transferred all
those feelings to you.
- Exactly.
- Not exactly!
I was being sarcastic. That's insane!
So let me be insane!
Love makes you do crazy things.
No, you make us do crazy things.
Come on, Wyatt, let's take the
big fake lady down to the morgue
for a makeover
because love asked us to.
♪♪
So, anyway, I said,
"Oh, you must be a model."
And you said,
"No, I am one of the foremost
pediatric heart surgeons
in the country.
That's why I'm in so many magazines."
[CHUCKLES]
I am. Always in a stethoscope.
- No shirt.
- Mm.
You know it's a good story when
it's not funny or interesting.
But enough about us.
I-I'm just fascinated
with your relationship.
I mean, this connection
just feels so real.
You have to tell me,
what's your secret?
Oh, want to know
what I like about Marge?
She has such a gentle soul.
Roach!
When you go to Hell,
tell 'em Marge sent ya!
She's so spiritual.
I'm very happy for you.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Oh, gotta motor.
Just got pinged for another task.
Uh, well, all right.
Goodbye, my hardworking duchess.
Oh, no kiss!
Once we start
Hey, it says my task is here.
Does anybody know a Julianne?
- That's me.
- What a coincidence.
Two tasks tell me
if this relationship is real,
and I need you to hang a flatscreen.
No, it's not real.
And let me get my back brace.
Zero stars, Marge! Zero stars!
I think we're ready
to practice outside.
After all, if you're coming to Tampa,
you gotta get used to
falling on concrete.
Are you serious?
You want me to come to Tampa?
I feel like my heart
is doing a switch-kick
double-twist basket right now.
I'm just so glad I don't
have to hide anything
- from you anymore.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
I'm sorry, ma'am, is this your floor?
[GIGGLES, AS DORIS] Indeed, it is.
So you've been lying
to me this whole time?
Yes, but keep in mind that when
I thought she was a sex doll,
I could have run screaming,
but instead, I took good care of her.
And the guys at the morgue
gave her a top-to-toe makeover.
I don't know what to say.
I'm really hurt.
It feels like you've ripped
my heart out my butt.
I know I was wrong, but in my defense,
you weren't totally honest with me.
But when I told you everything,
you had so many chances
to come clean, and you didn't.
Now I just don't know
how to trust you.
I think I know what's going on.
You're pulling away
because we said "I love you,"
and that feels scary.
No, I'm pulling away because
you and your friends stole
my $4,000 doll
and threw her out a window.
$4,000? Really?
For that, you should
be having sex with her.
I'm sorry, I just I can't do this.
Wait, wait.
Are you breaking up with me?
- Yeah, I am.
- Jake, this wasn't that bad.
Did you give her a boob job?
No!
The guys at the morgue did.
♪♪
I forgot my coat.
Where's Rodrigo?
Oh, he, uh, got paged.
He's a pediatric
Oh, my God! You mentioned.
So, hiring a mashed-potato
monster to be your girlfriend.
At least get a high-end escort.
This is New York City.
The prices are astronomical.
And when you throw in the tip?
Ugh! Mnh-mnh.
I gotta say, I thought
your date was fake, also.
Dr. Rodrigo? I mean,
that sounds more like a guy
who would separate you from
your evil twin on a telenovela.
Well, I hope that now you can
see that I wasn't playing games.
Rodrigo and I have
something very real.
Did I mention that he smells
like gourmet tapenade?
Funny. He's not the kind
of guy I pictured you with.
Oh, really? [SNORTS]
And who did you picture with?
I don't know.
I figured you'd go for somebody
with a little more edge,
someone who challenged you,
someone who got under your skin.
You're saying that if someone
like that came along,
that you would not feel anything?
- Nice try, Dan.
- Ha! Ha!
I almost had you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right. See you tomorrow.
- Destroy you in court.
- Ah, you, too.
What the hell, lady?
No tip?
Just because we didn't
make love doesn't mean
you didn't use my body.
Ugh. All right, fine.
I'll give you an extra $20
if you unzip me.
Ugh. This thing is so tight
that I'm pretty sure
one of my ribs punctured my lung.
Your zipper has more teeth
than my sister.
Come on! Isn't taking clothes
off what you do for a living?
All right,
so I guess we're even after all.
Good night, Jake. Good night, Abby.
CHILD: It's funny.