Open All Hours (1973) s03e06 Episode Script

-- Last few what at the old price? -- W--Worry about that when we get 'em inside! -- We need a bigger window, you know.
-- What for? So we can write bigger letters.
I doubt if they can read that across the street.
All this m--money I'm spending on advertising! I'm n--not r--r--reaching p--people.
All this money? What money? One little brush and a pot of whitewash! Do you want to cross the road, love? Off we go! It's all clear.
How about a kiss, then, to start the day right? It might start your flamin' day right, but it won't do a lot for me! I see you've just met Dennis.
That's Dennis.
We're training him for a round of his own.
I hope it's not round here! Thank God it's dark.
Suppose somebody had seen me kissing the milkman! Some of these firms spend a lot of m--money on advertising.
That's it.
If it's gonna cost money, that's us finished before we start! I don't see why.
Huh! What, you -- spend money? Granville, I am t--talking about advertising.
You keep on about s--spending money.
I wish you'd w--watch your language! I may be old--fashioned, but I hate to hear young people t--talking loosely.
I haven't brought you up to be promiscuous over m--money.
-- True, I'll give you that.
-- You've lacked for nothing.
That's right.
That's one thing I haven't lacked -- nothing! I've had plenty of that! You've always had good food and healthy exercise.
I know.
But what about boring? It's often been boring.
Well, I should hope so.
But look what it's d--done for your complexion! -- You've got wonderful skin, our Granville.
-- I haven't done a lot with it, though.
Skin like that is entirely due to good old--fashioned English b--boredom.
We used to be famous for it, a while back, all over Europe.
"There go the English," they used to say.
"Aren't they boring?" Mind you, we were always r--respected for it.
Yes, but the world's changed.
And d--don't they know it.
Look what they get now abroad.
L--Liverpool supporters! "A Song For Europe".
Surely boring sounds better than that already! There must be a happy medium.
There was.
Your c--cousin Ethel were a medium.
-- I didn't know I had a cousin Ethel.
-- She was your mother's cousin.
She used to do seances and the table r--rapping and all that.
-- That's where I must get it! -- What? I sometimes think I get little periods of precognition.
Do you? It's just your plugs oiling up.
Don't worry about it.
-- I'm being serious.
-- So was your cousin Ethel.
Oh, yes.
Night after night she used to try.
Then one night, out of the b--blue -- well, out of the b--black, rather, suddenly there came this kn--knock.
A visitor from the spirit world? In a way, yes.
He was a chap who worked at the off--licence.
He was looking for nice, honest, homely diggings.
-- I don't believe a word of this.
-- It's true.
She took him in and soon they knew each other as only people can who've had a couple of sessions on the Ouija board.
-- (SHOP BELL) -- Someone's trying to get through! 'Ey up! It's Noddy! Good morning.
What can we do for you? That's what a person my age should be dressed like! Not like this! Call that dressed? I put more than that on to go to bed in! Can we help you in any way, or is it t--too late? Razor--sharp responses, you'll notice.
Still, we shouldn't mock the afflicted.
Pity about his eyesight.
There's nothing the matter with his eyes! He's wearing shades 'cause he's cool.
I should think he is cool! His shirt's open to the kneecaps! We're over here, sir! He's Mutt and Jeff and all! -- Here we are, sir.
-- Get off! -- Watch it, creeping up on people! -- (ROCK MUSIC BLARES OUT) -- Watch it, creeping up on people.
-- Could you turn your vacuum cleaner down? -- What? -- Shouldn't you wear a vest? -- You what? -- Never mind.
Go back to automatic pilot.
-- (MUSIC GOES THROUGH HEADPHONES) -- Thank God they've gone! "Shouldn't he wear a vest"! Huh! -- Vests are out, man.
-- Yours is.
I can see it from here.
-- Let me handle this.
-- I wish you would, Granville.
Hi! Something we can do for you, man? Don't listen to the golden oldie here.
He's, like, from yesterday.
You and me, we know where it's at, right? By the way, love the open shirt.
That's very me, the open shirt.
Soon as I get out of this clobber I'm straight into the open shirt.
I'm well--known round here for it.
I'm famous in the chest.
Don't half turn the chicks on, right? The only snag is if the waistband on your jeans is too tight.
That's what jeans are all about.
If your jeans aren't tight enough, you might as well be dead, right? Can you repeat all that? I couldn't hear you for the sounds.
I was just saying, like, you know, I dig all your gear.
-- You got any blancmange? -- Yeah, I got two of their LPs.
Life's full of excitement when you're engaged! Where are you going with that? The magnificent metal digit is going on the pavement, p--pointing at the shop.
It's the opening salvo in me new advertising c--campaign.
You spare no expense, do you? It's your old ice cream sign! That's just for openers.
The hard sell comes later.
-- It's all peeling and rusty.
-- Oh, yes.
How is your mother this morning? -- She's wandering.
-- Oh, is she? Perhaps we can get her to wander off completely! -- This week she thinks it's 1935! -- Oh, dear! Tell you what.
I'll p--pop over tonight.
If she catches us cuddling, -- you can introduce me as Stanley B--Baldwin! -- No, thank you! Play your cards right, I can get you a place on my cabinet! Or maybe in my sideboard! I'm going to work.
Come over later and I'll get supper.
Lovely.
I'll b--bring a bottle of wine.
W--Wear something comfy.
As we're almost related by marriage, I think it's time I introduced you to the secret practices of the small shopkeeper! -- Out of me way! -- Ow! Ooh! Oh, dear! Not the easiest place to stick a plaster on! G--Granville! Fetch your toolbox! Oh, dear.
Where's y--your vest? What are you doing out without a vest? Now, don't start.
I'm finished with all that clobber.
I'm fed up with pinnies and vests.
They can seriously interfere with your social life.
I'll deal with you in a minute when I've f--finished shaping up this sharp fingernail.
Get on out of it! And d--do your shirt up! You're too short for that sort of thing! People will mistake you for a very tall man with his flies undone! I'm sharpening it! I'm supposed to be b--blunting it! -- C--Cover your chest! -- I prefer to show me dangler.
You wh You what? And take them g--glasses off.
You look like Secret Squirrel! -- What is that thing, any road? -- It's temporary till I find a proper one.
-- Wh--What is it temporarily? -- It's a cocoa tin lid.
It looks all right from a distance.
Is that what you want the world to say of your dangler? "All right from a distance"? Dear, dear! (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, Granville! Hello, Julie! Oh! Ooh! Hey! Ooh, what a lovelycocoa tin lid! It doesn't matter what it is.
It's It's symbolic.
It's meaningful.
Oh, meaningful.
The only thing I know about cocoa is it's very good at bedtime.
-- Language, Julie! -- Morning! Packet of Jelly Tots, please.
I wouldn't stand too near the assistant manager.
You might get a nipple in the eye! -- Doesn't he like you dressed like that? -- I'm not dressed unless I wear a pinny.
I'm not giving in this time.
-- I think you look terrific! -- You do? -- Thanks! -- Hey! I'm over here! Really? Do you really think I look terrific? -- Terrific! -- And this is only just for starters.
-- This is just something I threw on.
-- You missed! You wait! I'm gonna colour the hair.
-- Have a Jelly Tot.
-- Thanks.
-- Why are they all black? -- It's your glasses! Oh, aye! Thanks.
You've got nice eyelashes.
You've got niceJelly Tots.
-- You've got great legs.
-- Do you think so? I've always thought that.
I've always thought, "Julie has great legs.
" (ARKWRIGHT CLEARS HIS THROAT) -- What, both of 'em? -- Oh, aye.
Nothing to choose between them! Then I thought, "Colour the hair, Granville.
-- "Get into colour.
Loads of colour.
" -- They're not really great legs.
Then I thought, "Maybe" -- and I'd appreciate a second opinion -- "Maybe something plain.
Severe, even.
"Something discreet, in the shape of a single earring?" Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Isn't that lovely? Oh, d--dear! Look at her! That's the k--kind of advertising we need! -- Have you got any copper? -- Oh, yes.
One pound, thank you.
There we are! I'm making a study of the adverts in these glossy magazines, Granville.
There are two things that stand out.
Her two things c--certainly stand out! But where are we going to get someone like that round here with these qualifications? No, who would d--dress in a c--costume like that and p--p--pose like that? -- (TILL BANGS) -- Aghh! Oh, dear.
He'll never get the hang of that! What we need is someone who's attractive but not too expensive.
Someone who's not too bright but brave enough to be casual about frostbite! Mr Arkwright, could you come a minute? Julie! Little Jelly Tot Julie! Miss Arkwright's Stores, 1982! Ho--ho! Hey, sh--she might even do it for sweets! Can you Can you get me out? What are you doing inside that, Granville? It's got me by the dangler! How very inconvenient for you! I was so busy trying to keep me fingers out of the way, I forgot about me dangler! -- You do, don't you? -- Anything I can do, Mr Arkwright? Funny you should say that, Jellyer, Julie.
-- What are you doing? -- I'll be with you in a minute, Granville.
-- Would you mind walking to the door? -- To the door? -- And back.
Good lass.
-- Get me out! With you in a minute, Granville.
What is it? Is me slip showing? I bet there's a hole in me tights! No, no.
Calm down, Julie.
Everything's fine.
Well, almost f--f--fine.
Have you ever thought about m--modelling? Have you ever thought of g--getting me out? -- Modelling, Mr Arkwright? -- Yes.
-- I don't think I'd be any good.
-- Under my supervision and guidance.
-- I were never any good before.
-- You've done it before? Oh.
L--l--I think I should s--say s--straightaway that I could only offer you a f--fraction of the g--going rate.
I didn't realise you had m--m--m--modelled before.
I'm still here! -- It's been quite a while.
-- My feelings exactly! I think it were in Standard Four.
I made a gnome out of Plasticine.
Ah.
No, I didn't mean that.
It was supposed to be a gnome.
It looked more like a frog.
When the teacher said, "What's that, Julie?" I said, "Please, miss, it's a frog.
" I'm not usually so quick--thinking.
She picked it up and said, "It's a frog, is it?" Then with a snooty expression she said, "It looks like a gnome"! Yes.
You lost me round about the second frog, Julie.
No, what it is, I want you to model yourself.
I want you to be a model.
Consider this while I unravel Graveler, Granville.
About time, too.
How would you feel about being Little Miss Arkwright's Stores, 1982? No, thank you.
I've only got out of me pinny.
I'm not putting a dress on! Not you, you clown! I'm talking to Julie.
Little Miss Arkwright's Stores, 1982? A central figure in our advertising c--campaign.
-- Really? -- Could somebody get me out of here! Quiet! You're very noisy since you left your vest off! -- Just get me out! -- It's like a loudspeaker in the shop! Ah! That's it! That's it! A loudspeaker in the shop! Just like they have in supermarkets.
-- Where are you going? -- With regular announcements to customers.
A speaker pointing that way so it'll reach the people in the street.
Where's he going? Come back.
Don't leave me here.
Look, don't Will you Don't! Aghh! Don't leave me! Granville, get me that yellow screwdriver.
Don't worry about it.
It's only been two or three days.
You'll be walking fine in a couple of years.
Don't know what took you so long to get me out.
I've got a business to run.
I can't afford to spend time opening errand boys! (GRANVILLE GROANS) There you are.
Think where your trendiness has got you.
I brought you up to be a normal lad and suddenly you go bent.
I know you're trying to talk me out of it.
I'm not going to be talked Ow! Granville, far be it for me to try to influence a h--hunchback.
Come on.
There she goes, the grocer's delight! -- Granville, have you got that mike fixed up? -- Just a minute.
The nurse is there.
I want to catch her before she goes in.
I've got an idea.
-- Come on.
-- Here you are.
Thank you, Igor, my faithful servant.
This is what I'm going to say.
"Hello, sh--sh Hello, sh--sh Hello, folks! "This is Ark--Ark--Ark This is Ark This is Ark--Ark" I don't think I'd b--better do this, Granville.
Did you notice a little s--stammer? Nothing worth talking about, no.
But you'd better let me do it, just in case.
You look more like a duck's jockey.
Disc jockey! Disc jockey! In my case, a slipped disc jockey! Don't worry.
Listen, don't start it off till I give you the signal.
I'm going out to give her a hand.
Then when I stamp me foot, you switch on and give her a ch--cheery good morning from Ark--Ark--Ark Ark--Ark--Ark -- From Tesco's.
-- No! Don't you start prodding me about! You make me drop this lot, I'll crown you! That's a strange way to talk to a clergyman.
Oh, I'm so sorry! You saline drip! I knew it was you! Can I give you a hand, my love? Depends where you're gonna give it to me.
I've still got bruises from last time! -- You could open me front door.
-- That's the best offer I've had all week! -- Key in the top pocket? -- No! I was afraid it wouldn't be! Out of me way, you! I need both hands free before I squeeze past you! Anything you say, my state--registered scrumptious! I want nothing to diminish your appreciation of this moment.
In future, every time you come home you will receive the grocer's equivalent -- of the 21--gun salute.
-- I don't know what you're rambling about.
Just w--wait for it! (STAMPS FOOT) (STAMPS FOOT) (HIGH--PITCHED FEEDBACK) You did that on purpose, you great Get out! -- Hello, Granville.
-- Oh, it's you, Julie! Hey, d--don't hang about there! There's work to be done! One minute he were upright, the next, his legs were all over the place! His mother was very similar.
Are you gonna start d--dressing properly again? Yes, I will.
I'll start dressing properly again.
Don't pull it! Hey, don't pull 'em! Where's Where's me dangler? What kind of a question is that to ask a f--furry fairy? (ARKWRIGHT) Shall I put another lump of coal on the fire, my love? It's going out.
(GLADYS) So will you be in a minute! I'll just finish this delicious cup of cocoa and then I'll be off.
How dare you? That's coffee! I should have known.
It's so like you.
Full--bodied, indefinable, d--deep, with t--two lumps! All right, you old fool! Don't start.
Drink up.
It's time you were off.
It's been a tiring day.
Eventful, certainly.
Little J--Julie's costume caused quite a stir, didn't it? Have you ever thought of taking up skating? Me?! Why? -- I've just opened a rink in my bedroom! -- It's cold enough up there! I might buy you one of them little skirts as a birthday present.
Oh! You don't usually buy me anything for me birthday! No, I'm talking about MY birthday! I'm the one's gonna enjoy it! -- It'd make a nice change for your bottom -- Leave my bottom out of this! Bottom drawer! I wish you'd let me finish! A skate--registered nurse! I like that! -- (PIERCING SQUEAK) -- What's that? (JULIE) They're not really great legs, Granville.
(GRANVILLE) Oooh! Especially this one here.
Mind you, that one over there's nice as well! Oh, Granville! Oh, Julie! Oh, thump! I'll have to go! I was in with a chance tonight! I'll murder that Granville! Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to get me legs either side of her fireplace! Nice bottle of sherry should do the trick! None of that cheap muck, mind! The real genuine stuff from Cyprus.
Only the second best is good enough for her! I'll have to forget all this high--speed advertising.
I'm not built for it.
I'm a workhorse, not a racehorse! At least Granville's back in his pinny! We'll just have to carry on staying open all hours!