Parks and Recreation s03e06 Episode Script

Now, after we are given the certificate, who do you think should speak first? I think it should be me and then you.
But, if you want, it could be you and then me.
Or it could go me, you, me.
What do you think? How about just you? Thank you, Ron.
Yes.
Tomorrow, the Parks and Rec Department is receiving a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse for bringing the Harvest Festival back.
And although it's purely ceremonial, it's a huge deal for me to go to the Statehouse.
I couldn't care less about the commendation.
But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state.
I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.
June 2004.
Porterhouse, medium rare, Béarnaise sauce.
January 2000.
They call this one "The Enforcer.
" February '96.
The steak, rib eye.
The whiskey, Lagavulin 16.
The lady next to me, a bitch.
Specifically, my ex-wife, Tammy.
Okay, this is the first time I ever went there.
Oh, look at me.
I'm just a kid.
She's showing some elephant Ooh, la la.
Look who's fancy.
Am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.
Big night at the Snakehole Lounge! It's a launch party for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance, Allergic for Men.
Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein is a real up-and-comer in the world of micro-brewed perfumes and body sprays.
His ether-based perfume, Blackout, was named one of Maxim's top hundred ways to trick someone into sex.
Club opens at 6:00, event starts at 9:00.
No, no, way too late.
I will be deep into my bath by then.
Don't let us picture that.
Ben, you gonna go? I don't think so.
Probably just gonna take it easy, but thank you.
Yeah, they always ask me to go out with them.
They're just being polite.
I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt.
" Come on, Doug, who cares? Okay, Tom, I want you to take Ben and make him go to that antihistamine party.
It's "Allergic," and forget it.
He doesn't know anybody in town.
Come on, Tom, take him under your tiny little wing.
He's a fully grown man, Leslie.
And tonight's just not about pleasure.
I'm schmoozing Dennis Feinstein so I can pitch him my new cologne, Tommy Fresh.
Okay, well, while you're doing that, I want you to picture Ben in his motel room, all by himself with no friends, staring at the wall.
Deal.
Tom.
So my band's working on a new album.
Oh, yeah? What's it called? April Ludgate is the Best Ever, Volume One.
Shut up.
So, what do you wanna do tonight? We could watch TV at Burly's house or we could watch TV at your house.
Or, I mean, we could watch TV at Best Buy.
Why don't we go to Tom's thing? That weird cologne party thing at the Snakehole? I kind of forgot that you need money when you have a girlfriend.
I wanna treat April like a queen, and queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff.
I'm gonna give her all that stuff.
And more.
That sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
I don't know.
I guess we're dating.
It's new.
Whatever! I don't like labels.
Go away.
This? That would be good.
But does it say, "Hello, general assembly, "I've come to Indianapolis to accept your commendation?" As much as any one dress could.
Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
What? That lying bastard! Wait.
How do you know? I don't have any actual proof.
Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you.
And if he is, he's a monster.
And if he's not, you guys are great together.
But if he is, I will kill him.
Well, we had a really good conversation about our relationship last week, and he was very reassuring that we're headed in a good direction.
Great.
But then he got distant.
And when I asked to come visit him in Indianapolis, he was totally weird.
He was weird.
Look, it sounds like you're just spiraling.
But what if I'm not? What if I'm not? What if he has a girl up there? I think he's cheating on me.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, luckily, I'm heading up there.
I'll invite him out to dinner and I'll poke around a little bit.
Okay.
I mean, he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me.
In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury.
But that was because of my haircut.
Hey, champ.
Hey, champion.
Listen, you should come out tonight.
Club's gonna be dope.
Plus, I'm pretty sure you have nothing else going on.
Well, that's not totally true.
The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby.
Asked me if I wanted to watch.
Yeah.
You should probably get out of that.
I think she's gonna murder you.
Come on down to the Snakehole.
I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
Okay.
Yeah, no, I'll stop by.
Cool.
Thank you.
Hey, you mind if I ask? What are you gonna wear tonight? You know, I was probably just gonna stick with this.
Come on, seriously.
What are you gonna wear? Something totally different.
Probably go home and grab something.
Cool.
If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see Indiana's second-largest rocking chair.
No.
Then maybe we should take a quick two-hour sojourn to Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle.
It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures, and if you can figure out who it is, you get to take it home.
No.
What's wrong with you, grouchy pants? I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's.
Fasting's not healthy for you, Ron.
Leslie, you need to understand, we are heading for the most special place on earth.
When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache, and I refuse to clean it because, every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.
I forgot to tell you, Chris Traeger is joining us for dinner tonight.
Please tell me he's meeting us at the restaurant.
No, we are picking him up.
Damn it, woman! Welcome.
I am so glad you guys called.
This is gonna be great.
Come on in, come on in.
Sure.
Or we could just Wow! Look at your foyer.
It's like a spa in here.
Exactly.
The entranceway to your house sends a message to the world about who you are.
And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity.
You cannot limit that.
Yeah.
Ron doesn't even have a front door.
He won't even tell me his address.
Ask him where he lives.
Where do you live? Why? So this is some kind of coat closet or something? Wow, there's a lot of men's coats in here.
I like coats.
Could I use your bathroom really quick? It's right behind you.
Okay.
Toilet seat's up.
Hey, let me get a beer and a Pawnee Sunrise.
Do you wanna pay cash or start a tab? I It's okay I know Tom.
Tom who? Tom Hammen Hammenstein.
Haverford.
Haverford.
He's, like, my best friend.
Hey, Freddy, this guy says he knows Tom and wants a drink for free.
You got money to pay for those drinks? Yes.
No.
Make room for the paying customers, huh? Let's go, Knope! Just one second.
Hey, what's up? Hey, I think you might be right.
I found a woman's razor in Chris's shower and a pink swimming cap.
Are you serious? What the hell? You know, it could be nothing, but it feels like something.
I don't I'm coming up there.
Wait.
All right, okay.
All right, let's go.
Oh, my God.
They just forgot to unlock the door, that's all.
Ron, it looks like they're closed for some kind of health code violation.
Ron, stop it! Ron? They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse.
I should have been here.
What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? Do you think they got eaten? Why don't we go back to my place and I'll fire up the grill? You sure you're not expecting company or something? No.
What do you say, Ron? Go back to my place, I'll make you some grub? It'll be just as good as it would've been here.
Okay.
Okay.
That man is a legend.
Think about all the scents he's created.
Attack, Yearning, Thickening, Itch, Coma, Sideboob.
Dennis Feinstein, though? I don't know.
He should probably change his name to something a little more exotic if he wants to make it big in perfume.
Oh, his real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.
Okay.
So what's your plan? Wait till he's alone, then I'll walk up and spray him with Tommy Fresh, and I say, " Uh-oh.
"Looks like you just inhaled your future.
" Yeah.
That might actually work.
Is everything okay? It kind of sucks that I'm super broke and I wanna buy you stuff and it's embarrassing that I can't, but I'm broke too, and I don't want anything.
I just wanna hang out with you.
Plus, I can get free drinks any time I want.
How? I'm a girl in a sleazy club.
Hey.
Hey.
I hate drinking alone.
Can I get you a drink? Sure.
Triple whiskey.
What's your name? Oprah.
I'm Kevin.
Cool.
I kind of wanna drink alone.
But I said I wanna drink alone.
Thanks.
Bye.
Here.
You take this one.
I will get myself a martini from that idiot.
So, Chris, do you have any sisters? No, I don't, Leslie.
Do you have sisters? Maybe.
So how's your mom? Is she visiting? No, she's home up in Wisconsin.
Is your mom visiting? Any aunts? Nope.
You have aunts? Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother, perhaps? Nope.
Did you forget how to have a conversation? I am so happy you guys are here.
I'm gonna go fire up the grill.
I'm gonna kill him, Ron.
Why? Chris is cheating on Ann.
There's evidence everywhere.
She's coming up here so they can have it out.
Ask her to bring some garlic salt.
I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.
I got this from a waiter.
I told him I had a pork deficiency.
Sweet! Pigs in a blanket.
I always wondered why they call them that.
Look what I got.
Look what I got from the bathroom.
Mints.
Six of 'em.
Nice.
Yeah.
Okay, whoever gets the most free stuff by the end of the night wins.
Deal.
Go! Ron, would you like some salad? Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.
Try it.
Salad's good for you.
You got it.
Mmm.
Delicious.
So, Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time? Well, I exercise, and I exercise my mind.
And I try to keep up on current events.
Oh, that's what you call it.
Sorry? How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? She's my best friend, and anyone who hurt her is someone I would murder, probably.
Oh, is that what's upsetting you? This is very uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say.
Watch the master work it.
I'm the Yoda of networking.
Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking.
I mean, his powers were more spiritual.
Shut up, you nerd! I get it.
Okay.
Mr.
Feinstein, Tom Haverford.
I'm the organizer of this soiree and I'm also a huge fan of yours.
I use all your colognes.
Sometimes two at once! I don't recommend that.
Are you from the FDA? You know, legally, if you're from the FDA, you have to tell me.
I wanted to talk to you because I actually created my own scent.
Great.
I'd love to smell it, right? I know you're a busy guy.
Yeah, man.
I'm crazy busy.
But all day long, people are pitching me colognes.
That guy just pitched me a cologne called Sluts.
I'm gonna tell you what I told him.
Not just anybody can do this.
Although it's a great name, and I'm probably gonna steal it.
Please, it'll take two seconds.
If you like it, maybe we go into business together, branch out in other states, move over to watches and fancy raincoats, open up stores in London and Paris.
I don't know.
I haven't thought it through.
But for now, I want to present Tommy Fresh.
All right, I get it.
It's a gag scent.
Hilarious! As in, "It's hilarious how awesome it is"? It smells like somebody spilled Chinese food in a bird cage.
Horrible! It's assaultive.
It takes everything in my power to not retch right now.
Kid, you need to find another game.
Leave perfumery to the real men.
Hey, Ann, if you get this, I don't know if you should come up here.
He's not worth it, okay? Call me, let me know where you are, and if you have Ron? What in the devil's name is this? Portobello mushrooms.
Where's the steak? There's no steak.
That's a healthier option.
It's organically grown.
Lord.
Ron, are you okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
Could you get us a cold compress or something? Hey, six beers for table 12.
Do you work here? Yeah.
My dad owns this place.
I'm Janet.
Janet Snakehole.
Hey! This round's on the house! All right! How about some tips? Gum or mint, sir? Gum.
Then a mint, I guess.
All out, sir.
Don't have those either, sir.
Do you have anything? Out of everything, sir.
This is so awesome! We are like Robin Hood.
We steal from the club and we give to ourselves.
Look, we'll find a 24-hour diner.
Or we can get one of those cows that we saw on the way up here and we'll bring it back and we'll make steaks out of that.
Ann Perkins, what are you doing here? Whose pink razor's in your shower? Excuse me? Leslie found a pink razor and a pink swimming cap in your shower.
Whose is it? I guess you're talking about my razor.
I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better.
For whatever reason, men's razor technology hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.
And the swimming cap? Indiana Breast Cancer Awareness Triathlon, 2009.
Came in fourth! Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet.
What's that about? I'm a human being.
Sometimes I get blemishes.
I'm not perfect.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry, honey.
I'm so embarrassed.
I was scared that you were cheating on me.
No, I'm not cheating on you.
But I'm also not dating you.
We broke up last week.
We talked at your house.
Do you not remember this? Of course I remember, but we didn't break up.
I'm sorry, Ann, but I'm certain we did.
Okay, you said that you didn't wanna leave Pawnee and that I was the most amazing woman you had ever met.
Which you are.
And then I said that I would move to Indianapolis if I had to, and you said you didn't wanna make me do that, and then you said that in a different world Oh, my God.
You broke up with me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, so here's what happened.
Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with her, she just didn't realize it.
It's kind of understandable.
Although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.
Oh, my God.
You left, and you said you were gonna work late, and I kissed you? As enjoyable as that was, I did find it odd.
And then I wanted you to meet my parents? I'm sure they're great people, but strange.
This is humiliating.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
Hey Hey, man.
I got you another melon-tini.
Thanks.
Listen, that guy is a jerk, and if you ask me, he smells like Success! He smells like success.
You know what I smell like? A teriyaki hairpiece? I smell like the guy who's always coming up short.
And you know what? I'm just sick of it.
Tommy Fresh was my dream.
Now no one's ever gonna smell it but me.
I can smell your dreams, Tom.
I can.
And I can smell 'em from here.
And honestly, they smell terrible.
But I like Tom.
I've got a jar of olives.
Nice.
A thing of toothpicks that look like swords.
And a year's supply of toilet paper.
I got Boom! $38 in tips.
$180.
We should give it back.
We should give it back.
Follow me.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Thank you.
One time, when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him.
There was another time where I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap.
And then the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance.
One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again.
One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together.
Skywriting isn't always positive.
Another time, a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then, when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything.
Rebecca's coming.
" And then he broke up with me.
Who was Rebecca? Yeah.
Exactly.
Thanks for driving me.
Wait.
You're getting your commendation tomorrow at the Statehouse.
Oh, please.
It's just a goofy ceremony.
I don't even care about it.
Leslie.
Besides, Ron is staying behind.
He'll go.
Is Ron gonna be okay? I honestly don't know.
This isn't a steak.
Why would you call it that on your menu? I don't know what to tell you, man.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
Wait, wait.
I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.
" What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
" Do you understand? It's called a Tommytini.
It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon.
That sounds gross.
- Ben.
Oh, Miller Lite.
How'd you know? Everybody knows.
That's your drink.
Tommy.
Let's do this.
Mmm.
How's it going? Hey, look who's socializing! Yeah, and I'm having a good time.
Sit with us.
Okay.
Ann's in kind of a crappy mood because Chris dumped her.
Yeah, like a week ago, right? Yeah, but I only knew about it an hour ago.
So that's why you tried to kiss him.
We were all seriously confused about that.
Who's "we"? What are you Oh, God.
Did you keep the toilet paper? Yes.
I feel bad, but I need it.
Hey, hey, that's gotta be Feinstein's car.
Give me Give me the Tommy Fresh.
Why? Give me Tommy Fresh.
He's gonna smell your dreams now.
Are you okay? Is it that bad? Oh, my God, it's unbelievable.