PhoneShop (2009) s03e06 Episode Script
Do the music
1 He's making noise about me and his mum.
It's a two-way street.
Only linked his mum cos I linked his sister, innit.
Still going round there Sundays? His nan's cooking me lunch.
Yo! Yo! Yo! Jerwayne! Is that you? I knew that? Ahhh! Wait, hold tight! Hold tight there, yeah? Hold tight! Ahh! Fuck.
What? Bruv, I ain't seen this guy since I was like, ten.
I swear down he's a prick.
Wagwan! God knows! Jesus! Check my eyesights, I can't believe I'm seeing this man.
Come, come, come, come, come, come! Let me touch you.
Come! Come, come.
Let me touch you.
Let me touch you.
Come, come, come.
Ahhh! It is you, innit? Oh, look at him.
Look at him.
Boi, you put weight on, though.
You put on weight! Wow.
Wow.
Ah, is this your girlfriend? 'Allo, darling.
'allo, good-looking.
Tipper Irie - remember that? Jokes.
Yeah, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
Dry five! What? Yeah, it's nice.
Good humour I ain't seen you for time, Jerwayne.
It's got to be - what, 20 years? I lie? I lie? Boy, you ain't lying, bruv.
20 years.
Sunday School days, bruv.
Sunday School! We had bare jokes there, innit? Yeah.
You had bare jokes.
My gosh.
You know who I saw the other day? Roger.
Remember Roger? Roger.
Remember Roger? Roger with the teeth? Yeah, Roger with the teeth! Roger Ranson! And you know who he saw? Calvin.
Remember Calvin? Calvin! You must remember Calvin.
He saw Calvin, and Calvin said Oh, this is jokes Calvin goes that you are working in a phone shop! What? Why's man gassing? A phone shop? Crazy.
That's jokes, bruv.
Yeah, boi! So what are you doing? Ah, man, boy, yeah, I got a lot of businesses that I'm sort of taking care of, like, just things, like Pacifically what? Ah, man.
Yeah, just like Boy! You ain't still trying to be a rapper, is it? Well, you know My yoot wanted to be MC Hammer.
MC Hammer, you know? Do the dance.
Go on, do it.
Do the dance for your gyal.
Do the Hammer dance.
Go on, do it.
Do it.
OK.
And do the music.
Do the music.
Do it.
Do it.
My, my music hits me so hard Makes me say, oh, my Lord, Thank you for blessing me With a mind to rhyme We all done bare mad shit when we was young, innit? This guy's doing my nut in, bruv.
What? Excuse me? What guy's doing your nut in? This guy.
This guy! Me! Always with the dancing, innit? Like, "Whoa, I'm doing this! Whoa, I'm doing that.
"I'm doing the moonwalk.
Look at me!" Yeah? Well, do the moonwalk, then.
Do the moonwalk for the man that's doing your nut in.
Go on, do the moonwalk.
Do it.
Do it! And do the music.
Do the music.
Do it.
Get ready tonight I'm gonna make this a night to remember Nice to see you again.
Even though I ain't seen you before, you know.
You still doing the music, though, innit? God, bruv.
The music? God knows.
God knows that music's here for me, bruv.
Right here.
Yeah? So what you doing? More like management-type role, you get me? You got a label? Yeah! Course I got a label.
What's it called? Er Newman Tings.
I ain't heard of that.
Yeah, bruv, we look after fresh tings, fresh men, men that are fresh You got artists? Bruv, are you mad? I've got bare artists.
Almost too many, innit? Too many artists.
Who you got? Who? Oh, oh, man Finger-Man.
Yeah.
Index.
Yeah.
Middle Man.
Midz.
Like Bald Man Fatty.
Killer Fucker.
Known Prick.
I ain't heard of any of those.
Give me your website, I'm going to check for you.
Um The website is currently down, currently.
Yeah.
But, like, it'll be back soon, like.
When? Like, soon, man.
Very soon.
Very soon when? Tonight? Tomorrow morning? Tomorrow afternoon? Yeah, one of them, like, the latter one.
Yeah.
Take my card.
Call me.
Yeah? Call me.
Yeah? Call me.
You going to call me.
Don't make me have to come and find you, because I will come and find you.
You know that about me.
I will hunt you down.
I know you will.
OK.
Yeah.
Safe, man.
Yeah? You're looking well, blood.
Looking jiggy.
Bless.
Safe, brother.
Safe.
Why did I say that, man? Why did I say that? What the fuck is the matter with me? Why did I say that? I swear it's that guy, Ash.
He gets into your head and he fucks with it.
He did it when I was a yoot and he's doing it 20 years later.
Fuck! Calm down.
We got this under control.
We can do this.
Look, we've got the web site on its way.
Oi, Maplin.
Do you want another beaker of juice, bruv? Janine's handling the lifestyle elements Wait till you see the car! Oh, my gosh.
I've whipped off the hook, trust.
I'm very grateful and I'm very thankful for that, yeah? But what we going to put on the website? We ain't got no talent, we ain't got no music video.
We ain't got no nothin'.
You must know people.
I tried everyone! Tony the Shit's in prison.
Carlos B is now Carla B.
Don't ask.
Chinese Wayne got done for selling fake turkey eggs.
Gary Bashman is not doing music any more, he's doing dreadlock porn.
Dreadlock porn? Yeah, man's going out as Highly Sir Assy.
Shit.
We're fucked.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
Not yet.
I'm a known man, a real road man A high road man Just ask your nan.
Woo.
Wow.
Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I surprised myself there.
It's amazing how quickly it all just comes back, isn't it? Yeah.
You know what, bruv? Take a seat.
You Yeah.
Look, Newms - this kind of music, yeah, you got to inhabit it, yeah? You understand? It's like you got to go on like a G, like you're raw, like you're road, it's about the realness, like you're a soldier in life's ghetto, just bowling through.
Bare mad shit's happened to you, but none of it touched you, yeah? Just dash it away like it's nothin'.
Yeah? But it's somethin'.
Yeah.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
Yeah.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
Nothin'.
Somethin'.
Nothin'.
Somethin'! Nothin'! Somethin'! Nothin' Right, yes.
Got it.
Posturing.
I've got a tracksuit top on.
I'm not happy.
My dole's arrived late, again - thank you, Cameron.
And I'm livid! Got it.
Go.
Great.
Good, shoot it.
This is great.
All right.
OK, one, two No.
Sorry, I I'll count myself in.
La la la n'deet skoo I'm a known man A real road man Highway road man, Just axe your na-aa-aa-an! She don' know, the don' know! Eish! Dead-out productions! I seen things.
But it didn't mean nothing to man.
Something like that? Yeah? Is that? That's it, isn't it? Something along those lines.
Exactly it.
Here's what we're going to do.
We're going to go do a little work, finesse it a bit.
Bit of fine tuning.
Yeah, it's a start.
It's more than a start.
It's a pretty good start, if it were a start.
But it's there.
Let's get to work.
Don't worry about it.
Let's just go to work.
Go to war.
Let's just go to work, innit? Let's go.
God bless.
He's going to be fine Janine, I'm fucked.
Yeah.
Where's all this from? Oh, I've got all the gear.
Yeah.
Me and Shelley were very active on the home movie making front.
Have I never shown you our sex tapes? Yeah, I'm proficient in all genres of adult movie making.
Spanking, wanking.
Franking.
Franking? Yeah, it's sort of Post Office fantasy role play stuff.
Oh, we made a nice one.
You'd love it.
I play a young postman who has to make a Special Delivery but the beautiful older woman's letter box is too small so I have to nip round the back and pop it in there for her.
I might have a copy here, actually.
No, no, no, no, no! I get the idea.
I can shoot daytime, night-time, underwater.
Shelley's a very, very keen diver, yeah.
I mean, she can hold her breath for two minutes in the bedroom.
Wow.
You bet your fucking life, wow.
Right, so, what we doing? Grime.
What's that? Sort of watersports but dry? Kinda.
Ma ma ma mi mi mi moo Tra la la la la What are you doing? I'm warming up.
Don't do them things there, yeah? Why not? Come on, I've only got a bit of tape left.
Bruv, are you filming this? I've been filming for the last 20 minutes.
Behind-the-scenes extras! Bruv, you got the fucking lens cap on! What? Have I? Shit! Come, man.
Run the rhythm, innit.
Boi! Somethin'! 2013.
This is how we do Newman Thing Productions.
This one goes out to little Gary Patel, on lock since 2009! I feel your pain, brother.
If you wanna drop bar like a badman Then you better bring war like a badman Else I'll put you in a 'ole like Saddam Disappear, puff o' smoke like Shazaaaam! Oh! And like that, man was gone Suck out like a park What Trust It's dead out Got this on lock What.
You'll get a deal with that.
No problem.
With the people I know.
What you talkin' know people? You don't know nobody, bruv.
Me?! I know everybody.
Like who? I went to school with Simon Cowell's brother.
What?! What's his name? Simon.
So Simon Cowell's brother is called Simon Cowell? Leave it with me.
I've got contacts.
Loads of contacts.
Look.
Here we go, first one.
Buggles.
What?! You know, I like the lads' lyrics, but I'm not sure if they're really representative of the real me.
D'you know what I'm saying? Mmm.
Cos I'm just like I'm so about keeping it real.
Do you understand? Mmmmm.
Hi, hello.
Welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day today, please? I heard there's a guy called Jerwayne workin' up in this shop? Jerwayne? Yeah, he's just Yes He's just here Jerwayne? This ain't Jerwayne I think you'll find it is That's me, bro! What's a white woman doin' callin' her child, Jerwayne? Ugh er I was I was adopted.
By a black family.
And, my So my original birth name was Jonathan.
Little Johnny.
But they didn't like that, so they changed it.
They said, "That's possibly too dry for a son of mine," and hence, that's why that's I'm Jerwayne! Hi.
Hmm.
That's what happened.
For real! And I'd be like all, "Yo, Mum! Mummy.
"Cook us up some of dem salty fish and the pea.
" Mmmm, suck it all up and I It bring it up right in me lip peace Kiss me teeth delicious Are you takin' the piss? What?! I lie?! Um yummy malty So, it's lovely to have met you, innit? I've got to go now because I've got a yam in my microwave.
And I got to grease up me dry foot with cocoa butter.
Listen.
If either of you see a next black man called Jerwayne, I beg of you call me, yes? Yes.
Yes.
You understand? I understand.
Right? Right.
What you doing?! I'll call him If I see him No, I don't know him.
If I see another black man - a black man, called Jerwayne, me let you know.
With the rice.
OK.
Oh, God! Not a word to Jerwayne about this.
Right.
Yeah, well, that all sounds irie.
Yeah.
Well, we'll rock up in about an hour.
Sorry, yeah, 45 minutes.
Yeah.
OK.
Safe.
Bye.
Bye.
Janine, lock the doors.
Christopher, come with me.
WE have got a meeting.
How did you sort out this meeting anyway? You know when Rio Ferdinand came to Sutton last year to switch on the Christmas lights, needed his phone fixed cos the Mayor's fat daughter sat on it? Yeah.
I took it out the back, copied his SIM card.
I told you I had contacts.
Did he have any photos on it? Mainly cars and football boots.
Where the other two? They've gone to buy chicken.
What?! Christopher thinks his character would eat chicken.
Man ain't gettin' in this car with no chicken! Why would you eat chicken in a Bentley?! Cos my man got no sense, innit? Got no elegance.
Bruv, don't be eatin' no chicken in this rip! I'm not eating it, I'm holding it.
Bruv, I can see the chicken grease round your mouth! How?! I haven't been eating it! Shut up and get in the car! What you bringing that in here for, you chicken box prick?! Bruv! Don't be eating no chicken up in my car, you know.
I'm not, I'm just holding it.
Bruv, I swear down, if I lose my deposit, I'll kill you! You won't! The chicken's in the box.
There's chicken in your teeth! How is there?! I can see chicken! You know what! Get out the car! Why? Get out the car, bruv! But I haven't spilt! Get out my car! I don't know where we are.
It's all about the fucking realness, yeah? Realness.
It's about urban vitality.
Being in touch with "da yoot".
Soldiers on the street.
I feel for dem brothers, every fucking day, yeah! Here.
Here.
Here.
One love for yoot, man, lock down on the block.
Yeah, cheers, dears.
Who are you? I know who you are.
I saw your video.
FUCKING REAL! You've reset the levels, yeah? You're real.
You're real.
You're real.
I got mad love.
I'm going to sign you.
I'm going to SIGN YOU right now! Right now.
RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Nice.
Give a fuck.
I love this! Is this your thing? Is this what you do? Tossing the chicken I know who you are.
You're the chicken bone Banksy.
Fried chicken on concrete urban salad.
Is this you? Is that what you do? Is that your thing? Have you done it before? Do it again.
I love it.
Keep doing it.
Do you paint? What do you do? Shut up, bitch.
Do it again.
Shut up you bitch?! Yes.
You're the potty mouth girl, aren't you?! I know what to do with this.
I totally know what to do with this.
I don't need to see a video.
I need to see the video.
I NEED TO SEE THE VIDEO! I need to see the video.
Get me the video.
Show me the video.
Get me the video.
Get my peoples dem! Get me my peoples.
Get the video! Get my people, get the video.
Get my people! Get me my people! Oooh, cheap.
Get my peoples.
OK.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to come back in a minute.
One love to da yoot.
Hmm? Raw.
If you come badly dubbed like the Taliban I'll send you home in a tutu like a ballet man Cos this manaman get paid like the VAT man Droppin' you out like Gregg Wallace droppin' weight, fam Waste man, side man part.
New Man Ting Productions.
Search it out! All social meeds.
Suck out, you rat! Oh, my God! That was the fucking realness! I know the realness, when I see the realness.
And that was da realness.
Wow! That was amazing! I feel so liberated.
How was that for you? That felt really grimy really grimy.
Shake it out! John, thank you so much.
I know you've got to get back to Billy Elliot.
OK, take care.
Bye, love.
See you, John.
Oh, my God.
Huddle up, guys.
Let's hug it out! Let's hug it out! Group hug! Chicken Man.
Why the fakery? Knock knock.
Who is it?! It's only the Postman.
What you got for me? A special delivery, for a beautiful older woman.
Just stick it in me letter box.
What I've got is too big for your letter box.
Then you're going to have to pop it round the back, intcha?! Do I need to sign for it? You can sign for it with this.
Wow.
You bet your fucking life, wow! We're fucked! I got a three grand bill for the car.
Cuzzy left 15 messages on my phone.
I can't go back to the shop, cos I know he's going to be there waiting for me! I'm a dead man walkin', bruv.
Dead man walkin'.
Right.
So you've had the three day Endz to Endz Midweek Grime Special with Manaman Breakdown Cover.
Now, was there any gunshot damage to the paintwork or chicken grease staining to the upholstery? What? Your face! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, joking! That's good.
You're good.
No, it's a lovely car, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Did you and your mate take it out to impress a couple of girls? Yeah.
We was tryin' to impress someone! Me and my husband took it down to Brighton last weekend for my birthday.
I felt like the fucking Queen! Ooh! Hello! Lovely.
Yes, it's Katy.
Yes, halloooo.
Could you just do us a quick once over on a Bentley return, please? Oh, fank yoo.
Right, do you have a credit or debit card? J, you got your card, bruv? Mmm.
Bruv Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo! Katy, ma gyal Cuzzy, is that you bruv? It is you! Jesus! Jesus! Check my eyesight, I can't believe I'm seein' this man.
Do you know each other?! Oh, yes.
We used to go Sunday school together, ain't that right, Cuz? Yeah, jokes! Ahh, isn't that nice? Oh, come on, come here, don't be shy.
Don't be shy.
What you being shy for? Why you being shy, bruv? Oh, we love Cuzzy here, don't we, eh? He's the life and soul of the place, he is.
I bet you are.
He's always cracking jokes, messing around with his funny voices.
Is he? Oh, have you seen his MC Hammer routine? Nah.
Oh, you must have seen it.
He does it every year at the Christmas Party.
You don't want to see that, is it? I would like to see it.
It be great to see it.
I'm a known Hammer fan, innit.
Oh, yeah, they do! Go on, do the dance, Cuzzy! Go on.
Do the dance for your pals.
Go on.
Go on.
Do the dance, go on! Do it! Na, na, na, na, stop, bruv.
Just stop.
Thank you.
What? Do the music.
DO THE MUSIC.
Ma, ma, ma, ma, music Hit me Retort is a FremantleMedia company! I got to ask your mum if she got that money for me.
What.
It's a two-way street.
Only linked his mum cos I linked his sister, innit.
Still going round there Sundays? His nan's cooking me lunch.
Yo! Yo! Yo! Jerwayne! Is that you? I knew that? Ahhh! Wait, hold tight! Hold tight there, yeah? Hold tight! Ahh! Fuck.
What? Bruv, I ain't seen this guy since I was like, ten.
I swear down he's a prick.
Wagwan! God knows! Jesus! Check my eyesights, I can't believe I'm seeing this man.
Come, come, come, come, come, come! Let me touch you.
Come! Come, come.
Let me touch you.
Let me touch you.
Come, come, come.
Ahhh! It is you, innit? Oh, look at him.
Look at him.
Boi, you put weight on, though.
You put on weight! Wow.
Wow.
Ah, is this your girlfriend? 'Allo, darling.
'allo, good-looking.
Tipper Irie - remember that? Jokes.
Yeah, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
Dry five! What? Yeah, it's nice.
Good humour I ain't seen you for time, Jerwayne.
It's got to be - what, 20 years? I lie? I lie? Boy, you ain't lying, bruv.
20 years.
Sunday School days, bruv.
Sunday School! We had bare jokes there, innit? Yeah.
You had bare jokes.
My gosh.
You know who I saw the other day? Roger.
Remember Roger? Roger.
Remember Roger? Roger with the teeth? Yeah, Roger with the teeth! Roger Ranson! And you know who he saw? Calvin.
Remember Calvin? Calvin! You must remember Calvin.
He saw Calvin, and Calvin said Oh, this is jokes Calvin goes that you are working in a phone shop! What? Why's man gassing? A phone shop? Crazy.
That's jokes, bruv.
Yeah, boi! So what are you doing? Ah, man, boy, yeah, I got a lot of businesses that I'm sort of taking care of, like, just things, like Pacifically what? Ah, man.
Yeah, just like Boy! You ain't still trying to be a rapper, is it? Well, you know My yoot wanted to be MC Hammer.
MC Hammer, you know? Do the dance.
Go on, do it.
Do the dance for your gyal.
Do the Hammer dance.
Go on, do it.
Do it.
OK.
And do the music.
Do the music.
Do it.
Do it.
My, my music hits me so hard Makes me say, oh, my Lord, Thank you for blessing me With a mind to rhyme We all done bare mad shit when we was young, innit? This guy's doing my nut in, bruv.
What? Excuse me? What guy's doing your nut in? This guy.
This guy! Me! Always with the dancing, innit? Like, "Whoa, I'm doing this! Whoa, I'm doing that.
"I'm doing the moonwalk.
Look at me!" Yeah? Well, do the moonwalk, then.
Do the moonwalk for the man that's doing your nut in.
Go on, do the moonwalk.
Do it.
Do it! And do the music.
Do the music.
Do it.
Get ready tonight I'm gonna make this a night to remember Nice to see you again.
Even though I ain't seen you before, you know.
You still doing the music, though, innit? God, bruv.
The music? God knows.
God knows that music's here for me, bruv.
Right here.
Yeah? So what you doing? More like management-type role, you get me? You got a label? Yeah! Course I got a label.
What's it called? Er Newman Tings.
I ain't heard of that.
Yeah, bruv, we look after fresh tings, fresh men, men that are fresh You got artists? Bruv, are you mad? I've got bare artists.
Almost too many, innit? Too many artists.
Who you got? Who? Oh, oh, man Finger-Man.
Yeah.
Index.
Yeah.
Middle Man.
Midz.
Like Bald Man Fatty.
Killer Fucker.
Known Prick.
I ain't heard of any of those.
Give me your website, I'm going to check for you.
Um The website is currently down, currently.
Yeah.
But, like, it'll be back soon, like.
When? Like, soon, man.
Very soon.
Very soon when? Tonight? Tomorrow morning? Tomorrow afternoon? Yeah, one of them, like, the latter one.
Yeah.
Take my card.
Call me.
Yeah? Call me.
Yeah? Call me.
You going to call me.
Don't make me have to come and find you, because I will come and find you.
You know that about me.
I will hunt you down.
I know you will.
OK.
Yeah.
Safe, man.
Yeah? You're looking well, blood.
Looking jiggy.
Bless.
Safe, brother.
Safe.
Why did I say that, man? Why did I say that? What the fuck is the matter with me? Why did I say that? I swear it's that guy, Ash.
He gets into your head and he fucks with it.
He did it when I was a yoot and he's doing it 20 years later.
Fuck! Calm down.
We got this under control.
We can do this.
Look, we've got the web site on its way.
Oi, Maplin.
Do you want another beaker of juice, bruv? Janine's handling the lifestyle elements Wait till you see the car! Oh, my gosh.
I've whipped off the hook, trust.
I'm very grateful and I'm very thankful for that, yeah? But what we going to put on the website? We ain't got no talent, we ain't got no music video.
We ain't got no nothin'.
You must know people.
I tried everyone! Tony the Shit's in prison.
Carlos B is now Carla B.
Don't ask.
Chinese Wayne got done for selling fake turkey eggs.
Gary Bashman is not doing music any more, he's doing dreadlock porn.
Dreadlock porn? Yeah, man's going out as Highly Sir Assy.
Shit.
We're fucked.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
Not yet.
I'm a known man, a real road man A high road man Just ask your nan.
Woo.
Wow.
Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I surprised myself there.
It's amazing how quickly it all just comes back, isn't it? Yeah.
You know what, bruv? Take a seat.
You Yeah.
Look, Newms - this kind of music, yeah, you got to inhabit it, yeah? You understand? It's like you got to go on like a G, like you're raw, like you're road, it's about the realness, like you're a soldier in life's ghetto, just bowling through.
Bare mad shit's happened to you, but none of it touched you, yeah? Just dash it away like it's nothin'.
Yeah? But it's somethin'.
Yeah.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
Yeah.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
But it's nothin'.
But it's somethin'.
Nothin'.
Somethin'.
Nothin'.
Somethin'! Nothin'! Somethin'! Nothin' Right, yes.
Got it.
Posturing.
I've got a tracksuit top on.
I'm not happy.
My dole's arrived late, again - thank you, Cameron.
And I'm livid! Got it.
Go.
Great.
Good, shoot it.
This is great.
All right.
OK, one, two No.
Sorry, I I'll count myself in.
La la la n'deet skoo I'm a known man A real road man Highway road man, Just axe your na-aa-aa-an! She don' know, the don' know! Eish! Dead-out productions! I seen things.
But it didn't mean nothing to man.
Something like that? Yeah? Is that? That's it, isn't it? Something along those lines.
Exactly it.
Here's what we're going to do.
We're going to go do a little work, finesse it a bit.
Bit of fine tuning.
Yeah, it's a start.
It's more than a start.
It's a pretty good start, if it were a start.
But it's there.
Let's get to work.
Don't worry about it.
Let's just go to work.
Go to war.
Let's just go to work, innit? Let's go.
God bless.
He's going to be fine Janine, I'm fucked.
Yeah.
Where's all this from? Oh, I've got all the gear.
Yeah.
Me and Shelley were very active on the home movie making front.
Have I never shown you our sex tapes? Yeah, I'm proficient in all genres of adult movie making.
Spanking, wanking.
Franking.
Franking? Yeah, it's sort of Post Office fantasy role play stuff.
Oh, we made a nice one.
You'd love it.
I play a young postman who has to make a Special Delivery but the beautiful older woman's letter box is too small so I have to nip round the back and pop it in there for her.
I might have a copy here, actually.
No, no, no, no, no! I get the idea.
I can shoot daytime, night-time, underwater.
Shelley's a very, very keen diver, yeah.
I mean, she can hold her breath for two minutes in the bedroom.
Wow.
You bet your fucking life, wow.
Right, so, what we doing? Grime.
What's that? Sort of watersports but dry? Kinda.
Ma ma ma mi mi mi moo Tra la la la la What are you doing? I'm warming up.
Don't do them things there, yeah? Why not? Come on, I've only got a bit of tape left.
Bruv, are you filming this? I've been filming for the last 20 minutes.
Behind-the-scenes extras! Bruv, you got the fucking lens cap on! What? Have I? Shit! Come, man.
Run the rhythm, innit.
Boi! Somethin'! 2013.
This is how we do Newman Thing Productions.
This one goes out to little Gary Patel, on lock since 2009! I feel your pain, brother.
If you wanna drop bar like a badman Then you better bring war like a badman Else I'll put you in a 'ole like Saddam Disappear, puff o' smoke like Shazaaaam! Oh! And like that, man was gone Suck out like a park What Trust It's dead out Got this on lock What.
You'll get a deal with that.
No problem.
With the people I know.
What you talkin' know people? You don't know nobody, bruv.
Me?! I know everybody.
Like who? I went to school with Simon Cowell's brother.
What?! What's his name? Simon.
So Simon Cowell's brother is called Simon Cowell? Leave it with me.
I've got contacts.
Loads of contacts.
Look.
Here we go, first one.
Buggles.
What?! You know, I like the lads' lyrics, but I'm not sure if they're really representative of the real me.
D'you know what I'm saying? Mmm.
Cos I'm just like I'm so about keeping it real.
Do you understand? Mmmmm.
Hi, hello.
Welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day today, please? I heard there's a guy called Jerwayne workin' up in this shop? Jerwayne? Yeah, he's just Yes He's just here Jerwayne? This ain't Jerwayne I think you'll find it is That's me, bro! What's a white woman doin' callin' her child, Jerwayne? Ugh er I was I was adopted.
By a black family.
And, my So my original birth name was Jonathan.
Little Johnny.
But they didn't like that, so they changed it.
They said, "That's possibly too dry for a son of mine," and hence, that's why that's I'm Jerwayne! Hi.
Hmm.
That's what happened.
For real! And I'd be like all, "Yo, Mum! Mummy.
"Cook us up some of dem salty fish and the pea.
" Mmmm, suck it all up and I It bring it up right in me lip peace Kiss me teeth delicious Are you takin' the piss? What?! I lie?! Um yummy malty So, it's lovely to have met you, innit? I've got to go now because I've got a yam in my microwave.
And I got to grease up me dry foot with cocoa butter.
Listen.
If either of you see a next black man called Jerwayne, I beg of you call me, yes? Yes.
Yes.
You understand? I understand.
Right? Right.
What you doing?! I'll call him If I see him No, I don't know him.
If I see another black man - a black man, called Jerwayne, me let you know.
With the rice.
OK.
Oh, God! Not a word to Jerwayne about this.
Right.
Yeah, well, that all sounds irie.
Yeah.
Well, we'll rock up in about an hour.
Sorry, yeah, 45 minutes.
Yeah.
OK.
Safe.
Bye.
Bye.
Janine, lock the doors.
Christopher, come with me.
WE have got a meeting.
How did you sort out this meeting anyway? You know when Rio Ferdinand came to Sutton last year to switch on the Christmas lights, needed his phone fixed cos the Mayor's fat daughter sat on it? Yeah.
I took it out the back, copied his SIM card.
I told you I had contacts.
Did he have any photos on it? Mainly cars and football boots.
Where the other two? They've gone to buy chicken.
What?! Christopher thinks his character would eat chicken.
Man ain't gettin' in this car with no chicken! Why would you eat chicken in a Bentley?! Cos my man got no sense, innit? Got no elegance.
Bruv, don't be eatin' no chicken in this rip! I'm not eating it, I'm holding it.
Bruv, I can see the chicken grease round your mouth! How?! I haven't been eating it! Shut up and get in the car! What you bringing that in here for, you chicken box prick?! Bruv! Don't be eating no chicken up in my car, you know.
I'm not, I'm just holding it.
Bruv, I swear down, if I lose my deposit, I'll kill you! You won't! The chicken's in the box.
There's chicken in your teeth! How is there?! I can see chicken! You know what! Get out the car! Why? Get out the car, bruv! But I haven't spilt! Get out my car! I don't know where we are.
It's all about the fucking realness, yeah? Realness.
It's about urban vitality.
Being in touch with "da yoot".
Soldiers on the street.
I feel for dem brothers, every fucking day, yeah! Here.
Here.
Here.
One love for yoot, man, lock down on the block.
Yeah, cheers, dears.
Who are you? I know who you are.
I saw your video.
FUCKING REAL! You've reset the levels, yeah? You're real.
You're real.
You're real.
I got mad love.
I'm going to sign you.
I'm going to SIGN YOU right now! Right now.
RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Nice.
Give a fuck.
I love this! Is this your thing? Is this what you do? Tossing the chicken I know who you are.
You're the chicken bone Banksy.
Fried chicken on concrete urban salad.
Is this you? Is that what you do? Is that your thing? Have you done it before? Do it again.
I love it.
Keep doing it.
Do you paint? What do you do? Shut up, bitch.
Do it again.
Shut up you bitch?! Yes.
You're the potty mouth girl, aren't you?! I know what to do with this.
I totally know what to do with this.
I don't need to see a video.
I need to see the video.
I NEED TO SEE THE VIDEO! I need to see the video.
Get me the video.
Show me the video.
Get me the video.
Get my peoples dem! Get me my peoples.
Get the video! Get my people, get the video.
Get my people! Get me my people! Oooh, cheap.
Get my peoples.
OK.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to come back in a minute.
One love to da yoot.
Hmm? Raw.
If you come badly dubbed like the Taliban I'll send you home in a tutu like a ballet man Cos this manaman get paid like the VAT man Droppin' you out like Gregg Wallace droppin' weight, fam Waste man, side man part.
New Man Ting Productions.
Search it out! All social meeds.
Suck out, you rat! Oh, my God! That was the fucking realness! I know the realness, when I see the realness.
And that was da realness.
Wow! That was amazing! I feel so liberated.
How was that for you? That felt really grimy really grimy.
Shake it out! John, thank you so much.
I know you've got to get back to Billy Elliot.
OK, take care.
Bye, love.
See you, John.
Oh, my God.
Huddle up, guys.
Let's hug it out! Let's hug it out! Group hug! Chicken Man.
Why the fakery? Knock knock.
Who is it?! It's only the Postman.
What you got for me? A special delivery, for a beautiful older woman.
Just stick it in me letter box.
What I've got is too big for your letter box.
Then you're going to have to pop it round the back, intcha?! Do I need to sign for it? You can sign for it with this.
Wow.
You bet your fucking life, wow! We're fucked! I got a three grand bill for the car.
Cuzzy left 15 messages on my phone.
I can't go back to the shop, cos I know he's going to be there waiting for me! I'm a dead man walkin', bruv.
Dead man walkin'.
Right.
So you've had the three day Endz to Endz Midweek Grime Special with Manaman Breakdown Cover.
Now, was there any gunshot damage to the paintwork or chicken grease staining to the upholstery? What? Your face! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, joking! That's good.
You're good.
No, it's a lovely car, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Did you and your mate take it out to impress a couple of girls? Yeah.
We was tryin' to impress someone! Me and my husband took it down to Brighton last weekend for my birthday.
I felt like the fucking Queen! Ooh! Hello! Lovely.
Yes, it's Katy.
Yes, halloooo.
Could you just do us a quick once over on a Bentley return, please? Oh, fank yoo.
Right, do you have a credit or debit card? J, you got your card, bruv? Mmm.
Bruv Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo! Katy, ma gyal Cuzzy, is that you bruv? It is you! Jesus! Jesus! Check my eyesight, I can't believe I'm seein' this man.
Do you know each other?! Oh, yes.
We used to go Sunday school together, ain't that right, Cuz? Yeah, jokes! Ahh, isn't that nice? Oh, come on, come here, don't be shy.
Don't be shy.
What you being shy for? Why you being shy, bruv? Oh, we love Cuzzy here, don't we, eh? He's the life and soul of the place, he is.
I bet you are.
He's always cracking jokes, messing around with his funny voices.
Is he? Oh, have you seen his MC Hammer routine? Nah.
Oh, you must have seen it.
He does it every year at the Christmas Party.
You don't want to see that, is it? I would like to see it.
It be great to see it.
I'm a known Hammer fan, innit.
Oh, yeah, they do! Go on, do the dance, Cuzzy! Go on.
Do the dance for your pals.
Go on.
Go on.
Do the dance, go on! Do it! Na, na, na, na, stop, bruv.
Just stop.
Thank you.
What? Do the music.
DO THE MUSIC.
Ma, ma, ma, ma, music Hit me Retort is a FremantleMedia company! I got to ask your mum if she got that money for me.
What.