Playing House (2014) s03e06 Episode Script

[bright music.]
[sighs.]
You know, Charlotte, that hat was given to me by an old Greek fisherman named Charalampos.
He only had one eye and two teeth, but he was full of wisdom.
Hey, Zoo, did you wash that thing before you stuck it on your niece's head? Absolutely not.
This hat is encrusted with the salty residue of the mighty Aegean.
Which reminds me, I brought you something.
Oh, I hope it's not fish.
- It's fish.
- Oh, what are those, sardines? Yep, scooped from the waters by Charalampos himself.
Well, then they can go right back in the water because our fridge is already full of casseroles that people keep bringing by for Emma.
- How's she doing? - She's actually doing amazing.
- Yeah? - Yeah, she's doing this cold-cap thing where they freeze your scalp so you get to keep most of your hair.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- What? Well, I always thought Emma had a beautiful cranium.
Ugh, why does it smell like Red Lobster in here? - Don't ask.
- Oh, Zach, yes, that makes sense.
How was Greece? It was transformative.
- I met a man named Charalampos - Snooze.
Mags, what's up with all these owls? They were for ladies' craft night, but I decided to cancel.
What why? You love craft night.
I know, but it's gonna be, like, two days after your third chemo, and I want to be able to take care of you.
I don't know - how you're gonna feel.
- I'm gonna feel fine.
You didn't feel fine last time.
Hey, nothing has to change just 'cause I have cancer, okay? You'll do your craft night, and I'll just be upstairs per usual, watching "Bridget Jones's Diary.
" You want me to leave you all alone upstairs while we're downstairs painting owls and having the time of our life at our summer "s-owl-stice"? I think I'll be all right.
- I will care for you.
- What? I'll care for you.
I don't need to be asked twice.
You weren't asked once.
- I'll care for you.
- All right, it's settled.
- He's caring for you.
- Stop saying "care for me.
" I will be upstairs with Emma, attending to her every non-sexual need.
- But what are you doing? - I was right, Maggie.
Her cranium is exquisite.
[Say Hi's "Back Before We Were Brittle" playing.]
Hey, remember when All of time stood still Ooh, do do do do Back before we were brittle Back before we were brittle Oh, loving daughter.
This is a lot of physical contact.
When you were a little girl, you used to come into my room, crawl into the bed in the middle of the night, and we'd cuddle until dawn.
Hmm, all I remember is "ca-chink, ca-chink" 'cause the door was always locked.
Those were the nights your father and I coupled.
- Ugh, gross! - All right, Gwen, thank you for your services but the owls await.
Okay, get out of here, Mom.
Go paint the owls.
What is all this? This is my satchel of secrets And this is fresh-baked Grecian baklava.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't want it.
Believe me, you're gonna want this.
No, Mom, take it downstairs, I don't wanna get filo dough between my sheets.
All right, fine, but this is Emma's baklava.
No one else is allowed to eat it.
- Fine, just one more touch.
- Okay.
- Oh, mm.
- Okay, that's, like, three touches get out of here! Okay, watch "Bridget Jones's Diary.
" [beep.]
Initiate parental controls.
No, what about Hugh? Sorry, that floppy-haired scoundrel cannot help you, not tonight.
Lucky for you, I have become a bit of an expert in ancient wisdom.
- Ugh.
- And, as Socrates once said: "The wings of the griffin bear the legs of a lion into the sky.
" - What does that mean? - Let's find out.
Oh, God.
Tina, you have outdone yourself.
Are those barn owl cheese toasts? - With field mice olives.
- Come on.
- [giggles.]
- What about that? - Is that real grass? - It's wheat grass, actually.
I wanted some healthy options in case Emma decided to join us later.
That is so sweet, Tina, but she definitely won't be coming down here.
Oh, is she upstairs crying about cancer? Oh, no, she just straight-up hates crafts.
- Oh.
- Well, I spooned her - about as much as I could.
- [door bell rings.]
Oh, I'll grab it.
Oh, that can't go there.
It's off-theme.
Don't get your feathers in a bunch, Bird Bones.
There.
It's a nest.
Cookie, I wasn't sure if you were gonna - join us tonight.
- I wasn't sure either, but Bruce really wants us to bury the hatchet.
Well, as I have said repeatedly, I have no romantic designs on Bruce, so.
Maggie, we're not gonna get any place until you stop lying to yourself and you just admit that you desperately want my man.
- All right.
- Okay.
Very uncomfortable with what's happening right now.
Don't be frightened.
It's just the Socratic Stare.
The Socratic Stare? Is that a real thing? We're making it real.
I'm gonna gaze into your eyes, and I'm gonna ask penetrating questions of your soul.
How do you feel? I'm hating every second of this.
Don't answer with your mouth.
Answer with your soul.
I wish I was watching "Bridget Jones's Diary.
" Ask your soul to get naked.
It says no.
Well, we don't know that because you won't let her say anything.
Ow, what is this hard thing poking my leg? Oh, fantastic! That's my pan flute.
- Ooh.
- [weak whistling noise.]
- Okay, no.
- Mm, no, no, just - It just I have to wet it.
- Yeah, we're done here.
So this is ladies' night, huh? Bunch of ladies sitting side by side in silence painting owls? - She's here! - Oh, daughter, come to Mama.
- Ugh.
- Is everything okay upstairs? I just needed a break from Zach's soul stares.
Oh, okay, uh, you know what? Let's pack it up.
No, what why? I'll paint an owl.
- Really? - Yeah, why not? It'll be a hoot.
Hmm, nailed it.
[laughter.]
It wasn't that funny.
Mary Pat's casino bus broke down, so we have - an extra set up - Great.
Just pop you right here.
All righty, let's get down to painting some owls.
You look really good.
You can hardly tell that you have [whispering.]
The The big C.
She's my daughter.
She's a fighter.
I sense a real strength coming off of you.
All right, we're gonna pack it up.
What? No, no, you know, what we do need though is to kick this ladies' night up a notch, all right? Why aren't we eating - any of this delicious food? - Well, we eat it later, - usually.
- Who cares? Here, here, here, here, I'm gonna insist everyone have a piece of this delicious baklava.
Come on, I have cancer.
You have to do what I say.
Everybody take a piece.
Let's go.
- Get into this.
- Yeah, there we go.
- Get into it, right? - Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Sorry.
- Mmm.
- Mm, oh, wow.
Mm, that's got a real - stanky-ness to it.
- Oh, no.
- What madness is this? - Zach, I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't take any more of your pan flute poking me.
No, no, your baklava.
Why is everyone eating your baklava? That was Emma's baklava.
So you made me some baklava, and I shared it - with my friends.
- The baklava was made with a special recipe hand-cracked pistachios, honey from the comb, filo dough, and medical-grade marijuana.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- What? - I got it from a supplier who supposedly used to sell to Willie Nelson, but Willie Nelson won't shop there anymore because he says the weed is too strong, and it wigs him out.
Zach, what are you saying to us right now? Strap in, because you are about to, as they say in the old country, trip balls.
.
I cannot believe you did this, Zach! The important thing here is that we remain calm.
I can't believe I ate marijuana.
Does that make me a drug mule? Now, Zach, is this gonna be more of a sativa - or an indica high? - Mom, what do you know - about pot? - Oh, come on.
Who among us hasn't gotten high on their own supply? Gwen, you know that means you sold drugs, right? I was following Jefferson Airplane around the country, and that white rabbit? He don't let nobody ride for free.
- [as Matthew McConaughey.]
- All right, all right, all right.
Well, there it is a bad McConaughey.
The journey's begun.
All right, screw this.
Hey, hey, hey, Zach, not you too! - No, Zach, no! - Whoa! I refuse to be the only one not high at a ladies' craft night.
- [as Matthew McConaughey.]
- Yeah, come on everybody, hop on my big wheel.
Vroom.
Is she on a big wheel? Because I don't see it.
Shall we throw on an album and let the music be our guide? Um, I have a better idea.
The cosmos, it beckons us: Follow.
For the word "planets" comes from the Greek "planetai" meaning "wanderer.
" The original name for the Milky Way - was the Fudge Gap.
- [chuckling.]
- I don't think that's right.
- Uh-huh, the stanky Fudge Gap.
[laughter.]
But seriously, guys, this owl-shaped fudge is the best thing I've ever tasted in my life.
Who made it? The year was 1941.
The Nazis had just invaded Russia.
My grandmother, Illyana Federovna, had to flee.
What's happening right now? She only took with her two possessions: the recipe for this fudge, and a batch that she had sewn into the lining of her tattered shawl.
This pocket fudge is what kept her alive on her tumultuous journey to America.
God bless America.
That's an incredible story.
[giggles.]
I'm just messing with you guys.
All: What? - Oh.
- I heard that story on Rachel Zoe's "Who Do You Think You Are?" [laughter.]
No, no! Well, I have a story that is 100% true.
I once rode a dragon into the golden sun.
What are you talking about, Mom? - [snoring.]
- Mom? - [snoring.]
- Emma, she be with dragons now.
She be with dragons.
I'm starving.
Do you have anything in your refrigerator that is not shaped like an owl? Uh, just a bunch of canceroles that people brought, wait both: Canceroles! [laughter.]
Oh, I'm zapping a plate.
All right, I'm coming with.
I would join you, but my legs have turned into wings.
- [laughs.]
- Canceroles.
[chuckling.]
Mm, God, who would have known cold casseroles could taste so good? Uh-huh, if you've got some bread, I'm gonna make us a casserole sandwich.
- What? - Go.
That sounds amazing.
- Here you go.
- Yeah.
I cannot tell you this is like the first time that food has tasted good to me in months.
When I had chemo, the only thing I could eat was pudding and baby crackers.
What? You had cancer? Oh, yeah, triple negative, left breast.
- No.
- I'll be seven years out this March.
Why didn't you tell me? I don't really like to lead with that.
I think of it as just one very short chapter in a very long book that I like to call.
"Cookie: I Ain't Gonna Crumble.
" That is exactly what I was just telling Maggie.
You know, this doesn't have to change my whole life.
Mm, yeah, no, that's not really what I'm saying 'cause you have cancer, right, or you had cancer, everything's changed.
- I I need a pickle.
- What? - I need a pickle.
- Okay.
This needs a pickle, right now.
Okay, okay, I'm gonna get it.
Never ridden a dragon bare-back before.
[snoring.]
Tell me where you want your color, friend.
- Clever.
- What is your favorite dinosaur? Why is this real? - Stegosaurus.
- [giggles.]
I don't know why that's funny.
Now tell me, is Bird Bones your given name? - No.
- No? My real name is Tina Steigerman.
- Wow, that's pretty.
- Oh, well, thank you.
Emma gave me the nickname Bird Bones in high school because I kept breaking all my tiny bones.
Oh, well, Emma's given me quite a few hurtful nicknames over the years.
- Aww, like what? - Yeah, um, Ichabod Crane, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" starring Zach Skeleton.
- Mm-hmm.
- Slenderman, Son of Slenderman.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, and then of course.
- The Pale Jack Sparrow.
- Oh, I always liked Jack Sparrow except he was too tan.
Um, Tina, would would you mind if I took a peek into your soul using the Socratic Stare? - Um, sure.
- Okay.
How do you feel? I feel You don't have to answer with your words.
Answer with your soul.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
You got a real heft to them, huh? Yeah, yeah, that's what I like about them.
Listen, you're not so shabby yourself.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah, and think about this when we're 80, we're gonna have the perkiest tits around, right? Yeah, I guess that's something.
Hey, you're not gonna believe this, but I promise you that one day, when you get through all of this, you're gonna be happier than you were before.
Okay, well, now you just sound like a Hallmark original - starring Jennifer Beals.
- I would not mess with the Beals if I were you 'cause she's a maniac.
[laughs.]
And look, okay, cancer is the toughest thing I've ever been through, absolutely, but it was my wake up call, and now I'm just I'm living a "hell yes" life.
What's a hell yes life? That means that you've been through the fire.
You know the secret.
We're not here forever, so you gotta say yes to life and stop being scared to do the things you care about.
Here.
Wait, no, Cookie, I can't take that.
Take it.
It's okay.
I got it tattooed, like, four different places on my body.
"Hell yes life.
" Thank you.
Hey, you're a badass.
You're gonna get through this.
You know, a couple months ago in self-defense class, you told me I was the weakest human being you'd ever met.
I was wrong.
Guys, this owl is real.
I painted this owl into reality.
Emergency! I just kissed Zach! - What? - It's true.
No one look into my eyes they will mesmerize you, and the next thing you know, sexual kissing.
[yelling.]
What did I just say? Maggie, control your owl! [relaxing music.]
Okay, so I got an update on the Bird Bones/Zach situation.
It appears that it was just a one-time thing.
- Mm.
- Although, I think they're - kind of cute together, right? - Yeah.
Hey, where's your owl? Yeah, I released him back into the wild.
It was hard, but, well, you gotta do some hard things sometimes.
[chuckles.]
What's that? - Oh, Cookie gave it to me.
- She gave it to you? Yeah.
Did you know - she had breast cancer? - Oh, yeah, Bruce mentioned it.
No idea.
- "Hell yes life"? - Yeah, that's her motto, but I won't be wearing it any time soon.
- Why not? - I don't know.
I guess Cookie's a better person than me 'cause all I feel is just, like, real pissed and angry that this happened to me.
I mean, I'm not even 40, and I have to face my own mortality? Not interested.
You know you're kind of already doing this, right? - Saying yes.
- No, I'm not.
Well, you didn't do it just now, but, yes, you are.
You came down those stairs for craft night.
Emma from a year ago would've never done that.
You said yes to staring deeply into Zach's soul.
Oh, I did say hell yes to touching Cookie's boobs.
- What? - Actually it was - a mutual squeeze.
- And? - Oh, it was a dream come true.
- I bet.
Mm, like little clouds of Heaven.
[laughs.]
You know you're not the only one who's changing, right? I mean, I invited Cookie into my home willingly, and she got them crazy eyes.
That's true.
Zach and Bird Bones sucking face.
- Can't get enough of each other.
- My mother can't stop - touching me.
- Well, she loves you.
- Oh, gross.
- God, I cannot believe that we keep learning life lessons from a woman - named Cookie.
- I know.
That's why it's so messed up that you keep trying - to get her man.
- I just want him so hard.
[laughter.]
There's my little girl.
Is everything okay? Do you need anything? No, Mom, I'm okay.
Mm.
I left you a full tray of that fudge that we were snacking on last night.
Honestly, Teens, next time I'm throwing a party, - I'm calling you.
- You mean to work together? - Oh, I just mean - I would love that.
I mean, well, of course, we would have to think of title first.
I mean, would I be.
"Director of Catering" or, ooh, "Master of Food Services"? on our business card be? Oh, there is so much to think about.
But who am I kidding? I accept! Hell yes, Teens.
Let's do this.
I am so excited.
I'm gonna go find Zach.
What just happened? I think you're in business with Bird Bones, honey.
- Oh.
- Well, ladies, that is a night I won't soon forget once I remember what happened.
- Maggie.
- Yeah, Gwen, thanks for coming.
- Daughter.
- Oh.
You just gonna let this happen? I am, Mom, I am.
- Oh.
- Okay, don't push it.
Hey, Gwen, there was one thing you mentioned last night - that we wanted to ask you about.
- Oh, no, did that Grecian grass get the best of me? Why, what did I say? You said that you once rode the dragon into the golden sun? - No, I never said that.
- No, Mom, it was you.
- We heard you say it.
- I agree to disagree.
Okay, Gwen, you have to tell us.
- What did it mean? - Goodbye.
- Mom, okay, I'll walk you out.
- I'm not gonna - tell you anything.
- Mom, just tell me - what you said! - Ugh.
- Come on.
- There's nothing to tell.
Ay-yai-yai.
Maggie, thanks for the hospitality.
I'm glad that you came.
Yeah, it kind of turned out to be an unexpected adventure.
- Yeah, it did.
- So what do you say? Bury the hatchet? Did you have that in your purse the whole time? And that is literally a hatchet.
Got a spot for it in your backyard? Uh, yeah, I think we could find something under a tree.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Sorry, do you want to just walk ahead of me? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
I am really sorry that I kissed you last night.
I see now why they call it a gateway drug.
I'm really sorry I kissed you back.
You know, I'm a bit of an amateur when it comes to the Socratic Stare, and I was mussing with powers far beyond my control.
It will not happen again.
No, no, not on my watch.
- Mm.
- Mm.
I I am gonna be so careful with your bones.
That means so much to me.
Thank you.
Now I am interested in your new approach, Emma, because I live what I call a "balls out life.
" Well, I'm definitely not interested in that.
I think I'm just gonna, I don't know, try to say yes to more things.
If I asked you to go erotic kite flying with me? - Ew, Zach! - What's that? Just a bunch of naked people flying kites? No, that'd be disgusting.
No, the people are fully clothed.
- It's the kites that are erotic.
- [sighs.]
What you got there, Char-bar? [babbles.]
Hmm.
- Oh, my God, Emma.
- What? It's a Jefferson Airplane album.
So? Oh, my God, is that my mother? - Riding a dragon? - Into the golden sun, yes.
Wait, I just got an idea for an erotic kite.
If I see you flying my mom in a public park, I'm gonna be so pissed.
Meh, it's no biggie.
I'm gonna fly your mom.