Please Like Me (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

(Knocks) Hey, sunshine.
How are you? Are you ok? Are you good? I wanted to ask you if you think me getting an abortion is definitely the right decision, because I know that you and I have talked about raising kids, and I know that it's big, it's a big thing, but, like I don't know, maybe maybe we could, like keep it and raise it together.
Yes, jokes.
Ok, you're making funny jokes.
Good.
Hi I'm not joking.
I'm being totally serious and now you're making me feel really weird about it.
Ok.
Why won't you laugh?! I've kept it a very good secret.
Nobody knows.
Don't worry.
- I really am a very good helper.
- (Door opens) I'm really nervous about the dentist.
- Not the dentist! - He's gonna hurt my mouth.
Mmm, yeah.
Arnold's surprisingly calm about the trial sleepover at his parents' house.
That's all pretty fucking weird, yeah? - ARNOLD: I can hear you, Tom! - Well, it is weird! You wanna know what else is weird? Your confidence levels! I don't come across as confident, do I? Erm, Claire's ill, so I'm gonna take her to the doctor today.
Is it contagious? (Josh and Claire laugh) One, two One, two, three, four Ooooh, ooooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooooh, ooooh, Oh, yeah Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooooh Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooooh I left better behind to be Fine Take my Mama, turn another blind Eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind to be fine.
Oh, I can't believe he's leaving us.
He learnt how to use the washing machine and now he's off! We've not done enough for you, apparently.
You've all been very good to me, but now it's time I went out and stood on my own two feet.
- At your parents' mansion? - Mm-hm.
Are those two feet standing exclusively on a rug woven from the hair of beautiful Swedish people? - Yes.
- Bye.
Good luck! Thank you.
- Why did you take one? - To be polite.
- Idiot! - (Laughs) - Lot of spelling mistakes.
- Yeah? Spelled 'foetus' four different ways on this page alone.
Which is the correct one? F-E-T-U-S? Isn't there an 'O'? - F-E-O-T-U-S? - F-E-O-U - F-O-E - F-O-E - I just have no idea.
- Why don't we know this? - (Buzzer sounds) - WOMAN, ON INTERCOM: Hello? Hi.
This is Claire.
I have an appointment.
I'll be there in a moment.
- Are you ok? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I just hate doctors, that's all.
I am very excited to exercise my right to decide what happens to my body today.
- You look very pretty.
- Thank you.
- What do I do with this? - Hide it! - Hello.
- Hi.
Thank you.
Claire? - Oh, we just need Claire.
- Ok.
He can't come? We just need you to meet initially with the doctor on your own.
- You can stay here for now.
- Ok.
Oooh.
Yeah, ok, I shouldn't have winked.
I panicked.
No.
Ok, my God.
I hate the dentist.
- Yeah, it's the worst.
- Mmm.
- Why is it so quiet? - I don't know.
Oh, God! The thought of lying there, the chair's all back and you can't go anywhere.
The man comes in and the rubbery fingers in your mouth and they're all squeaking against your teeth! He's just in there, like It's just too far in.
His fingers are too far in.
Your teeth aren't that far in! And your mouth's just always open and you can't swallow and he's got that sucky thing! You know, and he only uses it at the last second so you always feel like you're gonna drown.
Do you think they'd let me be in charge of your sucky thing? Don't I don't think so.
Oh, God! And that sharp, pricky thing.
You that awful sharp, pricky, hooky thing? Like, that scrapey, hooky thing? You know, in between the It's, like, a scrapey - Oh, my God, shut up, shut up.
- I'm in a real state now.
- I'm in a state now.
- No, I'm serious.
I'm actually quite anxious.
I'm all hot! Why did you bring me with you? I didn't bring you with me.
You just came.
Well, you know I can't be by myself.
NURSE: I've got Claire for you.
(Mobile phone rings) Hi, Mum.
Just a sec, just a sec.
MUM, ON PHONE: Stuart's cheating on me! He's cheating on me! - Just push the button.
- Josh, did you hear what I said? Thank you.
Sorry, what was happening with Stuart? Stuart's with Hazel! He's cheating on me! Hazel is his wife, so it's not cheating on you.
He's cheating with you.
Oh, that's not the right thing to say, Josh! Now, you say you're sorry because my feelings are hurt.
Yeah, no, sorry, alright? I was distracted.
I'm sorry.
Sorry! Oh, no, I don't give a shit! Fuck Stuart! Ok, fine, fuck Stuart.
Why do you think he was cheating? Well, 'cause I read his texts! He asked her to pick up oats! That's married! They're so married, Josh! Well, I hope you're not reading my texts.
I'm plotting revenge.
I want you to come over 'cause you're clever.
No, no, I can't.
No, come on.
I wanna get him, please! - I just I can't, ok? - Come on! - I just can't.
- Oh, you're no fucking fun.
- (Buzzer sounds) - Hi, um, this is Josh.
- I was just in there with Claire.
- WOMAN: Do you have an appointment? Yeah, I had an appointment with Claire.
Yeah, I was just there Oh, there was a different nurse.
- I'll buzz you in.
- (Buzzer sounds) This is Josh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Josh.
Er, they wanted to pull me aside to make sure you weren't forcing me to have an abortion.
Wow.
That paints a dark picture of the world we live in.
I know.
Imagine you forcing me to do anything.
Look at you.
I could force, thank you.
I'm tough.
I'm quite tough.
- Big tough man.
Good on you.
- Thank you.
Uh, how was the ultrasound? Well, there is a baby in me, which is pretty fucking weird.
Gosh.
Er, what now? Well, Claire has opted to have a medical termination of the pregnancy.
Now, she tells me you're going to be her partner through all this.
Yes.
So, I want you to hear what needs to be done.
- Ok.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Are you listening? Yeah, I'm here, I'm good, I'm ready.
Ok, now, she's already had the mifepristone, which stops the supply of the pregnancy hormone, which is needed to keep her pregnancy progressing and healthy.
Tomorrow she'll have the misoprostol, which will bring on the miscarriage, which will allow the pregnancy tissue to pass.
That can be a bit painful.
Everyone reacts differently.
It could take a few days for all the tissue to pass.
Most likely no more than a heavy period, but you should be prepared to be irritable and emotional.
Yeah.
- Ok? - Yeah.
Ok.
Did you hear that? She said you're gonna be emotional and irritable Yes.
Mm-hm.
I just want you to remember that, so later, if you're angry, just remember it's not my fault.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Maybe we should write it on your wrist, 'It's not Josh's fault.
' - I think I'll remember.
- Ok.
You could get a little band, and instead of saying 'What would Jesus do?' it can say 'What would Josh do?' and on the other side, say, 'Nothing, don't do anything.
' You've got no-one else? No-one else in the world free this weekend? - Boom! - Alright, fine.
Everything can be my fault.
- Thank you.
- (Mobile phone rings) Oh, it's my Mum.
This'll be good.
Hi.
Oh, Josh! I'm gonna get a gigolo.
Well, you have moved on quickly.
Yeah, I'm gonna get one with really tight shorts and a really big package and I'm gonna parade him around in front of Stuart! Yeah? Where's this parading happening? Oh, wherever he is! (Laughs) He's gonna be so jealous! What if he's at his house with Hazel, his wife? Oh, well, no, I'll figure something out.
Now, where do I get a gigolo? I don't know.
Why do you even think he'll be jealous? You've got a prostitute, he's got a wife.
This isn't a win for you.
Well, no, I'll get a girl, then! That's even better! - No, that doesn't make sense.
- No.
Oh ok, um I'll keep thinking about this.
Ok, good.
(Call disconnects) I thought you said she'd been getting better.
Yeah, she's making plans for the future.
That's a breakthrough! (Sighs) (Mobile phone rings) Alan Please call me back.
I could register his DNA with the police.
You got good contacts in the police? Nah.
Oh, uh maybe maybe I could sneak some laxative into his food.
Nah, I feel like I've seen that.
I could tell him I've got a disease, like syphilis.
Then he'd have to tell Hazel he's got syphilis.
And then he'd also think you're gross.
Oh! TOM: Well, not that anyone asked, but today I found out that I don't have wisdom teeth.
- I'm evolved.
- I think it's hot, like an X-Man.
Hey, why are there no shit X-Men? How are all the mutations cool? No, I imagine there are loads of shit ones.
They just don't get invited to Professor Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
Like a guy who's mutated into having a really dry mouth and everyone can hear his lips in uni lectures.
(Laughter) Does Professor Charles Xavier, does he just pretend not to see them? (As Xavier) 'I see every mutant in the world with this machine.
' Who's that kid over there with the weasel for a penis? 'I I don't know what you're talking about.
' I just saw his dick turn into a weasel and he sighed and said, 'Oh, no, not this again.
' (Laughter) 'No, you didn't.
' This conversation is shit! - Are you ok? Do you need anything? - No.
'Well, I suppose we could bring him into the school to help with the rat problem' - (Laughter) - 'If we must.
' (Puffs) High ceilings.
- Yeah, aren't they just fabulous? - Difficult to heat.
(Mobile phone rings) - Hello.
- You're up.
Do you want to come apartment shopping with me? No, I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
Oh.
Alright, alright.
- Ok, bye.
- Bye.
Ok, she said you take that for pain, this for nausea, and you hold these under your tongue for half an hour for termination of pregnancy.
I know, Josh.
Ok, I will start a little timer.
Then we wait.
You can't really talk, can you? It's just me.
Talk about whatever I like.
Oooh, what does he want to talk about? Is there anything I want to talk about? We can talk about, um Are we gonna talk about atheism? Do you want to talk about alternative medicine? Uh-uh.
Um doesn't work, does it? 'Cause you can't really put the word 'alternative' before the word 'medicine', you know? You can put the world 'alternative' before 'ideas'.
You can have alternative fashion, you can have alternative music, but you can't have alternative facts.
Claire, I was just saying you can't have alternative facts, can you? But medicine is not, like I was just saying Sorry, I can't understand you.
'Cause if you put 'alternative' before 'medicine', it's like pointing at a dog and saying, 'That's my alternative cat.
' It's still not a cat.
(Laughs) You've been quiet for a long time.
Are you ok? Yeah.
Quiet means I'm ok.
If I'm groaning, that's how you know I'm not ok.
Just Sorry.
I was worried you might have fainted.
One time during the national anthem! Oh, fuck! (Grunts) I'm never, ever, ever having sex again, ok? Ok.
(Claire groans) Ah, fuck! (Claire breathes heavily) Babe? Babe? I think it's done.
You did it.
- Hooray.
- What do I do now? Uh, I think maybe flush the toilet and then possibly have a shower? - Do you wanna see it? - No.
Nah.
Think I should take a picture of it, show it to people when they show me photos of their kids? No.
Just flush the toilet, yeah? - Be out in a second.
- Ok.
(Toilet flushes) (Door opens) So, I made fried chicken, and I was thinking maybe I'll say some irrational feelings I've had over the weekend in, like, a monotone voice, and then you can do the same, and what we'll do is we just won't judge each other's feelings.
- Yeah? - Ok.
- Ok.
- But I've had a lot.
Um I thought that my politics would keep me safe from my feelings and I was wrong.
Ok, erm, I got jealous that you could get pregnant.
Um, I dressed up for the abortion clinic.
I mean, that is a nice dress that you were wearing.
That is a good dress.
Yeah, but I think I just didn't want them to think I was like the other girls.
I'm furious at myself for thinking that.
I accidentally fantasised about keeping the baby.
I picked out outfits.
Some of those hilariously tiny sneakers, perhaps.
No.
No way.
Not on my kid.
Alright.
- Are we done? - I mean, I'm out of things.
I feel guilty.
Yeah? Look, ok, I know you know.
Ok, I'll just say you have nothing to feel guilty about.
- Mmm.
- Obviously, right? Yeah, well, maybe not guilty, but, like just kind of, like, a fuck-up, because flushing the toilet, it just reminded me of that time I forgot to feed Bert and Ernie and I had to flush them down the toilet.
Yeah.
It's just This is it.
Like we're grown-ups.
This is it.
We're not practising anymore.
Shit is getting real, you know? Oh, my God! Now, we're not crying and eating fried chicken.
That's just just not an image we're having in our lives.
Just suck it up, pull it together.
I think everybody cries while eating fried chicken.
I'm pretty sure tears are the top ingredient.
Yeah.
You know, when some people get pregnant, they get to throw a party.
I could have had bunting.
Do you want bunting? I mean, I can get you bunting.
If you want, I can organise shitloads of bunting.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? (Mobile phone rings) I'm sorry.
Look, it's my mum, yeah? Perfect timing.
Definitely.
MUM, ON PHONE: I've run out of paint, Josh! I've run out of paint! What are you doing? No, I'm writing a word on Stuart's back lawn and I didn't bring enough paint.
Ok, um, what word? Well, I'm writing the 'C' word.
The 'C' word? I don't understand.
What, 'corn', 'cuticle'? 'Cornelius'? 'Capsicum'? Yeah, but I only got as far as C-U-N.
I don't understand.
What word were you trying to write, Mother? (Scoffs) I can't say it! (Laughter) Have you got me on speaker? Oh, Josh, take me off speaker! Oh oh - Hey, Tom.
- Mmm? Do you wanna be my boyfriend? (Laughs) Um, yeah, no, that's Sorry.
Yes.
What? (Laughs) No, it's good.
- Do you not want to? - No, I do, I do.
I do, I just thought that would be something that kind of happened organically, just over time.
Are you kidding? What? Oh, my God.
This is so humiliating.
No, it's good.
This is nice.
This is a nice moment.
We are two people deciding that they're gonna be boyfriend-girlfriend.
I was just trying to be helpful.
I didn't need clarification.
I was You're the one who needed clarification.
- I just thought it would be organic.
- Can you stop saying 'organic'? You didn't want it to be organic.
You kept accidentally referring to me as your girlfriend and then pretending to be embarrassed.
No, it just slipped out, 'cause it was easier than referring to you as 'girl who sleeps at my house every single night'.
No, you didn't want it to be organic.
You needed clarification.
This is my gift to you.
- Your gift? - Mm-hm.
I don't need your gift.
I'm fine.
Maybe I'm your gift.
Nah, Tom, you're a pretty shit guy, actually.
Just a shit guy.
I'm a shit guy? You're crazy.
You're, like, a cat lady, except not old.
Sometimes when you kiss me, I feel the oil from your nose coat my face.
You have no money.
I have self-esteem issues, so I don't know if I'm with you 'cause you're good or just 'cause you're available.
You're bad at sex.
I can go forever with you, literally forever.
I usually need to think of something bad to stop myself from ejaculating.
Never with you.
That is so awful.
That is just so mean! What an awful, shit-guy thing to say.
Oh, no, I've got another shit boyfriend.
(Front door opens and slams) Well, that was fucked! Hey.
Hi! Hey, maybe kiss me on the mouth.
What happened? Uh, we sat around awkwardly for a while, and then, near the end, my dad apologised.
Good! Then he told me, in his usual tone, where it's just so obvious he thinks he's being some kind of hero, he tells me he's working on accepting it.
- That's good, isn't it? - No, it's fucked.
Yeah, fuck him.
Don't work on me.
I'm not a project.
I'm meant to be grateful that you're trying? Just be accepting! Not just accepting, even.
Just be, like, lovely.
- Your dad's a dick.
- He's a dick! I feel bad for saying your dad's a dick.
I'm sorry.
Wait, Arnold, are you having a bad day? Mmm.
- Claire's having a bad day.
- Yeah.
- What are you saying? - Today's the day.
Today? - ELLA: What day? - What day? - The day.
- What day? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cardboard Metropolis, the most populous city in the world.
Hey! Cardboard Metropolis has survived wars and tsunamis throughout all of history, but nothing could prepare the great empire for the devastation of Johnzilla! Ah! Johnzilla! Whoo! (All cheer) (Laughter) Tom, you should show a video of this activity to all the new people that you meet, then you'll never have to explain why you were never popular.
(Fanfare) John? What are you doing? Destroy the city.
Oh, yeah, John's a pacifist.
Did you put any dog food in there? I put so many treats in No, John, you gotta This John, crush Card Broadway.
Don't you do anything you're not comfortable with, John.
Well, ok, I don't know now, 'cause I've set up all the cameras, haven't I? (Laughter) It was expensive and he's not It's rubbish.
Claire, you seem quite angry for some reason.
Do you feel like crushing some civilisation? Yeah, ok.