Portlandia (2011) s03e06 Episode Script

Hi, thank you for coming.
I'm Marcus Harris.
I'm Ellen Harris.
Uh, today successfully and officially Oregon has banned the plastic bag.
Our waterways and beaches are clean.
Hey, everyone.
They banned all plastic bags.
There goes my bag castle.
Bullshit! _ Oh, oh, you're too fast for me.
Oh, it's not gonna hurt bad.
_ Hello? Fred, it's the Mayor.
Why are you whispering? I don't want to wake up Carrie.
I'm up, you guys.
- Good morning.
Hi.
- Good morning.
I'm walking the streets and I've been thinking about-- How did you get in? Oh, uh, your roommate.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- She's lovely.
- Yeah, sure.
So I was out walking the streets, - brainstorming an idea for Portland.
- Um-hmm.
And I realized I was in your neighborhood, so I thought, well, I'll just come over and You're always welcome.
Thank you very much.
I need help banning something.
Seattle is way ahead of us on this.
You've banned lots of stuff already.
Um, you did do the plastic bag.
We need to go ahead.
We need to be ahead of the bandwagon.
Well, I do like the idea of that campaign that says, "Let's get on the banned wagon.
" B-A-N-N-E-D.
And it's a wagon that's pulling all the things that we're banning.
It can be interactive.
People can actually put things that they think should be banned on the banned wagon.
Why don't you give out stickers of just those red-- - you know, the red cross out thing? - Yeah.
Which by the way, that should have a name.
- And then - Yes.
So anything you don't like, you put it over that.
What about, like, XXXL shirts? That's a lot of waste.
Waste of fabric and a waste of body.
- And a big waist size.
- Yeah, you're right.
You know, we could run it by Alexandra.
- Oh, yeah.
- She might have some thoughts on it.
Alex? Hey, Alex? What do you think of these ideas for something to ban? Triple XL shirts? Humph.
- Oh.
- Right, complain.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, that's good.
That's helpful.
Thank you.
You know what we should ban? Mittens.
Yeah, 'cause you can't type, you can't open doors.
I mean you really can't do anything in a-- they're actually dangerous.
If you have mittens in your house, come bring them to us and we'll-- Mitten drive, we could have a mitten drive.
We'll call you the Mitten Mayor.
Imaging the board of pictures of all the former mayors, and I'd be up there as the Mitten Mayor.
I like it.
I like it too.
Alex? What do you think of like, banning mittens? She loves it.
It's unknown.
- Hello? - Hello? - This is George Healey from Portland Tribune.
- This is the Mayor.
- Yes, what can I help you with? How did you get this number? - Mr.
Mayor you have been singled out as the number one electricity hog in the city.
The number one elec-- is this some kind of an award, or? Well, it's not exactly an honor, Mr.
Mayor.
Um is this a joke? Well, we just wanted to know if you wanted to comment.
I am outraged.
And I'm upset that you would call me.
I'm with friends, discussing some very important-- - uh, I'm sorry.
What was your name? - George Healey, from the paper You can't run this story.
This is not based on fact of any means.
I He sounds really upset.
Should we do something? Definitely.
Alex, what do you think? _ _ I had a dream of my grandfather and his wooden chair Can you turn down the guitar please? _ We're not going to use any mics.
Yeah, we don't want to harm any insects.
Ahh.
We should have done that, no mics.
Hey, Jay.
I feel like you're a little bit loud.
Uh-huh.
Maybe if you just moved back a little bit.
Yeah.
It's a good move.
_ What's she gonna play? Oh, wow.
Congratulations.
You've won one free ticket to the-- Yeah! _ Hi.
I'm Alisha from the Portland Milk Advisory Board.
And we wanted to issue a retraction.
It turns out that cashew milk is manufactured in the highly contentious political environment of Nigeria.
- Right boss? - That's right, employee.
Drink radish milk.
I think we're not suppose to shake this bottle.
We did this really quickly, we put this together.
There were some radishes on the tray that no one was eating.
And I was like, you know what, I said sarcastically, "like why don't we just make radish milk?" And here we are.
He's my boss.
Listen up, everybody.
Please.
I've just come from a meeting with our publisher.
You know times have been hard.
Papers are folding left and right.
The bad news is we're going to cease being a traditional print newspaper.
The good news is we've been taken over by Linx PDX, a very successful online blog.
Our mission remains the same.
Hard hitting local journalism.
So we're just going to lose the whole print thing, and Hey, bud.
Hi.
Folks, I'd like you to meet Trudy Adler.
- Craig Rodriguez.
- Craig Rodriguez.
- Say hello to the - How are you? Hello.
the new boss.
Thanks, George.
Thanks a lot.
Hi, uh, pleased to meet you, uh you guys know all the journalistic stuff.
We've got a lot of experience with, you know, connections and links.
People don't read articles anymore, and we don't want to provide things that people don't care about.
They probably read every fifth word, you know, so just make it those five words.
So your research shows that people tune out after, like, two sentences? Okay.
Well just stay on it then.
Okay.
It's all right.
- Hey.
- What's up? How are you? What can I do for you? - Are you busy? - What are you working on? Oh, well the staff and I have got a strong suspicion that our mayor - Um-hmm.
- is a an energy hog.
If it was just that story, what would the comments be? - Boring.
- You know.
A comment would be like, "He looks like a dick.
" D-I-K.
To the "commentor" number one-- you're an idiot.
Obviously you live somewhere else, like the South, you know, whatever.
And then you need one smart guy, like kind of like, well technically I've worked in the military before, and you're the one who's wrong because one person's like "why can't people be nice?" And like a frowny face, and then I think we'd lose some of the substance of the story if, if I mean the site's called Linx PDX.
We don't actually have articles, we have links to other articles.
Think of yourself less of a journalist, more of a "linkalist.
" But we can still write stories, right? In your free time you can write all the stories you want.
I'm going to give you a pitch.
Okay.
How about stars with no makeup? Maybe Charlize Theron.
I could look into that uh Thank you.
You need to entice them with nips lips.
You know, side boobs.
Also, there's something beyond side boobs now which is bottom cleavage.
Someone is-- a woman is wearing a really short shirt and the cleavage is actually underneath.
I'm not so sure that I'm cut out for this.
Maybe top ten shaved heads.
Top ten shaved heads.
I'd start with Charlize Theron.
When you think top ten, automatically it makes it easy enough for the people to digest it.
That's what makes it digestible.
Condensed.
It's, it's poetry if you will.
It's Haiku.
God bless you, but yeah.
My grandfather was a journalist.
My dad and I'm a linkalist.
Hey.
Hi.
Uh, everyone gather around, We've got some great news.
George do you know what you've done? You wrote an article that got 70 million hits, the biggest in Linx PDX history.
- I'm honored, I guess.
- Yeah.
Do us the honor, please of reading your article to us.
I think we'd like to listen.
Okay.
Charlize Theron, NSFW.
That's, that's it.
- So - Ugh.
What, Ken, what? Get off my back, will you? It's the future.
I don't get it.
How can I be the biggest energy hog in Portland? I built my entire campaign on being green and energy efficient.
Air conditioner.
I rarely use it.
If it's too hot I open a window, I like the fresh air of Portland.
Do you keep the heat on all the time? I just put a sweater on, I like sweaters.
Okay, what about the fridge? It's a small refrigerator, do you open it a lot, do you close it? You know, I think ahead in, out.
And I replaced the bulb in there with a little watty, it was 15 watts and I thought that was too high, I went to 7 1/2.
Wait.
What about electric razor or toothbrush? I've got one of those razors for survival.
You know you actually crank it, and it runs for a while, and you can shave.
You crank You crank the razor - Crank razors? - Crank razor.
Wait, hold on a second, wait.
What's that sound? I don't hear anything.
It's like a pulsing - Right - Rhythmic What is this? What is this? I'm so used to it now.
My printer.
Prince.
How long has it been going like that? - Ten years.
- Ten years? You think that's it? Yeah, you got to shut it off.
Why didn't you just-- I can't shut it off, Fred.
In the manual it says "Do not interrupt the printing queue.
" He said he was busy, I didn't want to bother him, I just wanted him to go about his business, you know-- - Who? - Prince.
I feed it paper every night, and it's kind of like a pet.
Do you see what it's printing? Yeah, it's not even printing anything out, just an error message.
Yes, I thought it was just getting itself - ready to print.
- For ten years? Yes, it's learning the code.
I stand before you guilty of excessive energy consumption.
I didn't realize that you could actually stop the printing queue merely by turning the machine on and off.
The offending instrument.
This printer, formally known as Prince, is no longer going to be in my employ.
I'm going to find a new home for it.
_ Well, that didn't go the way I planned.
I am left with no choice, but to step down as your mayor.
There will be more information forthcoming.
Thank you.
Are you sure you want to do this? You want to step down? There's a code of conduct for all mayors, and I broke it.
I realize that.
Thank you.
Oh, well.
_ - Hi.
- Hello.
I am the inspector from the Portland Bed And Breakfast Bureau.
Hello.
Great, hello.
I'm Nance.
- Nance, hello.
- Hi, welcome.
- I'm Peter.
We've been expecting you.
- Thank you.
I am the inspector from the Portland Bed And Breakfast Bureau.
- Wonderful, we're so happy you're here.
- Let's begin.
- Very musty smell.
- Oh.
It's nice.
It could be a little mustier.
We let a wet dog run through the room.
The bear behind you is a nice touch.
You might think about taking an eye out.
Oh.
Let's just go to the first guest room, shall we? Of course.
Now, uh, where's the squeaky step here? It's right there.
This one here.
Yeah.
That's not enough squeak.
Oh you gotta really, look All right.
All right.
All right.
Oh.
Am I feeling - bedbugs? - You've found it.
Ding-ding-ding-ding.
- Wow.
- And one thing that would be a nice touch, is just to have a smattering of little hand soaps everywhere.
You'll notice them later on.
- They're just going to be in every room.
- Yeah.
- This is our little water closet.
- Aww.
Then we set up the teddy bears so that, you know, they're kind of staring at you as you walk in.
I like the fact that you have to move one of the bears in order to use the toilet.
It's always nice to put your hands on things and handle things in a bathroom.
And paper-thin walls.
I mean, we did some tests and I, you know, I piddled, and she could hear it.
- I was outside.
- Outside the house.
So 67 and 72 Everybody has a bed.
And everyone can have breakfast.
But not everyone can have a bed and breakfast.
We didn't pass? I just had to take off points for not having enough cookies around, - there needs to be-- - Wait, wait, wait.
Those little soaps that you saw.
Uh-huh.
Those are cookies.
No.
- You'll just have to try one.
- Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Ummm.
So good, right? It's her batch.
Oh, mm-hmmm, good.
Thank you.
I'll gladly send you a tin of those.
Well, you have your certificate.
Oh, honey! A little finishing touch here.
Oh, that's creepy.
I am looking for a ride share to Sacramento.
Yeah, good job on the flier.
Put it up here.
Aw, man, there's a lot of fliers though.
They're stuck up here.
God, how many are there? - Good job.
- Thanks.
Oh, missing cat.
Choo-Choo.
I guess he's still out there.
I wonder if that cat's still out there.
This is kind of a cold case.
I mean we're really going to have use our detective skills on this one.
Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
Does anybody have a dime? Somewhere in these newspapers there's got to be some information about him.
- Yeah.
- Let's go back.
Keep going.
Stop! Oh, no.
911.
Keep going.
We got to find this little guy so we can get back on the road to Sacramento.
Oh, here's some missing cats.
Everything costs so much money.
Somebody have a dime? Does anybody have a dime.
Hi, can I have a dime? That's it.
Flier put up for Choo-Choo, a cat who has gone missing.
April 16th, 1963.
Quinn, we've got to talk to people.
We don't have to be quiet.
We got to find some people who were alive back then.
Old people.
Have you ever seen this cat? I think that's pretty neat.
- Okay - And you've never seen this cat? I've never seen that cat.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- Okay I have a cat.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
What's his name? Eh, just pussy.
And now the aging software is working on the picture to forecast what the kitty looks like now.
- Great.
- Whoa.
Have you considered that he may be dead? I don't see how the logic of that is, I mean, no.
My assumption is that he's alive.
So how are you guys doing with your gutter lifestyle? Your mom called me and is worried about you.
I've been trying to get us to go over to her house.
I really want to go to the pool.
Have you been there this summer? No, not in a really long time.
That sounds very nice.
Oh, there, Choo-Choo's ready.
That's great, Aunt Marge.
We'll be able to find him right away.
Have you seen this cat? Yeah, I've seen that cat.
- Well, I guess we solved the case, so.
- Yeah.
- Hello, sir.
- Hey.
Did you know Choo-Choo? Well he's my cat.
Did you guys know Choo-Choo? In a way.
I just drive up from Sacramento every year to visit him.
Sacramento? You going back there? Oh, yeah.
Hey, you think we could get a ride? Oh, yeah.
_ Yeah, yeah.
Your horns are coming in nice.
Here, little one.
Come on, plenty for all.
Mr.
Mayor.
Hello.
- Carrie, Fred how are you? - Remember us? Wow, look at you.
You're really off the grid.
It's nice, it's peaceful.
You have a little accent now.
- Yep.
- Yeah, I like your beard.
- Yep.
- You talk a little slower.
Yep.
Wow, it so amazing out here, like what's it like? You, know, it's peaceful out here.
It does make you think.
I mean do you have electricity? No, no, we use a lot of kerosene.
You know, you get used to the smell of kerosene, funny enough.
It's a very specific kind of smell indoors.
Too much and you'll just end up, you know, all flat on your back.
That's happened a couple times, actually.
I fainted, and the goats have found me.
They revived me, so I really, I owe my life to these little guys.
How's the water? Is it nice and fresh, right? Well, it's a little browner.
Which makes it easier to see it in a glass.
Well it's got a natural diuretic, I can tell you that.
I've lost a lot of weight.
I mean, do you have a bathroom? Well, we go outside.
- Who's we? - That's what you do here.
Yeah, I got a special hole out back there.
You got to make sure you spread your legs pretty wide 'cause that hole might cave in.
- Yeah, I know-- - You don't want to fall in there.
What's your bed, what is it? It's straw and horsehair.
It just seems a little lonely out here.
I got these guys right here.
Sometimes they even come in and help me.
Of course they like to eat the bed.
So I can't let them in very long.
They love that straw.
Well, your missing a lot of great stuff in Portland.
Well, my goat buddies here, I can talk to them.
They seem to understand.
What do you guys talk about? Well, tell you what we don't talk about, is that printer.
The printer thing is so done.
The next day it was old news.
Yeah, I mean the way you're touching those goats, that's what Portland needs.
So the city's good, it's doing all right? - Yeah, but we miss you though.
You gotta come back.
- Yeah.
I just feel like my carbon footprint was large.
I think you should come back though.
We'll hang out with you, we'll take care of you and we'll just get right back into it and Well, I'll think about it, Fred.
It's a big city.
Yeah, we mean, we need someone to run it - to be honest.
- Huh.
Well, who is running the city right now? Uh, Miss Mayor, members of City Council are here to see you.
Tell 'em I'm busy.
Oh, ha-ha.
Yeah.
Ha-ha, ho-ho, that's so stupid.