Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e06 Episode Script

[WOLF HOWLING.]
[TWITTERING.]
[MAN SCREAMING.]
[THUNDER CLAPPING.]
Good evening.
It's that time of year again, children.
Halloween.
[CHUCKLING.]
[LAUGHING THEN COUGHING.]
I'll work on that.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Tonight's terrifying episode of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch may not be suitable for some parents.
Meh-heh-heh.
This would be a good time to put them to bed.
I'll wait.
[HUMMING AND WHISTLING.]
Oh, that was quick.
So you're all alone without Mommy or Daddy? Well, there's been a jailbreak.
An escaped convict in your neighbourhood.
Ooh! Who's that behind you? [SCREAMING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Made you look.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm one hot tamale.
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
ZELDA: Hilda.
Hilda, get ahold of yourself.
Ah.
Thanks.
I needed that.
Oh, no.
We've been invited to Aunt Beulah's Halloween party again.
Aunt Beulah? I've never met her.
Does she know the family secret? Her only secret is that she's managed to throw the dullest Halloween party for the last 500 years in a row.
So why do you guys go? It's not like your social life-- Oh.
We've never gone.
Come to think of it, we've never even met her.
And we're running out of excuses.
World Wars I and II, the Chicago fires not to mention Luke and Laura's wedding.
Oh, dear, we have to go.
Oh, thank goodness.
I was afraid I was gonna have fun this Halloween.
There.
We've R.
S.
V.
P.
'd.
Which stands for rotten, stupid, vile party.
Well, it's not like it's etched in stone.
"Spellman family confirmed for Allhallows Eve.
" Is it possible to put someone up for adoption just for one night? Yeah, put me up.
I've got the best idea for Halloween: Harvey, Justin, you and me at your house watching scary movies.
Please tell me you haven't already invited them.
No, I learned my lesson last year.
I'm telling you before I invite people to your house without telling you.
Good.
I'd like to have you guys over, but I've already promised my aunts-- - Harvey.
- And Justin.
- Sabrina.
- And Valerie.
- Let's not break into song.
- What are we doing for Halloween? Watching scary movies at Sabrina's house.
Cool.
We'll get the movies, you get the hoagies.
Valerie, you invited people to my house again.
Sorry.
It's so ironic.
It's the one area of my life I'm really pushy.
Please, please, please don't make me go to Aunt Beulah's party.
Come on.
It's our first double date.
Come on.
If you say yes, I'll do all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry.
You won't have to lift your finger for weeks.
Come on, look at this face.
Oh, all right.
You don't have to go.
Thanks.
Are you still gonna hold me to that cooking-cleaning-laundry thing? SALEM: Boo! Salem, you look ridiculous.
You were terrified, and you know it.
[SCOFFS.]
[BELL CHIMES.]
MAN: Special delivery for Sabrina Spellman.
Oh, that's me.
Um, would you accept an invisible tip? How about if you kiss my invisible behind? Sounds like someone should go back to sorting.
Why does Sabrina get to stay home and I have to go? Aunt Beulah sent me a Halloween present because I can't make it to her party.
She doesn't have to go and she gets presents? It's a Molly Dolly.
Whatever happened to a crisp 20? Oh, well, dear, she means well.
Listen, if you need to call us, we left the number.
SALEM: This will be fun.
I haven't been a chaperone since Altamont.
I don't have to go.
I just remembered I have free will.
No, you don't.
Okay, young lady, you listen, and you listen good.
There will be no smooching, no-- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
They're here.
Play with my doll.
Hm? Trick or treat.
Hey, good call on not wearing a costume.
Where are the guys? [BOYS GROWL AND VALERIE SCREAMS.]
- Pretty scary, huh? - On a lot of levels.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Cool.
A storm.
Hope my little brother's okay.
He's going as the tin man.
I bet it's gonna rain.
Perfect night to watch scary movies.
Yeah.
Remains of the Day? Enchanted April? The Bridges of Madison County? Sorry.
We got to the movie store kind of late and these were the only scary movies we could find.
Well, come on in.
The hoagies are on, the root beer's chilled.
Very funny, Salem.
Five's a crowd, doll.
- Now, remember-- - When you want me to shoot you and put you out of your misery, you'll scratch your nose.
Right.
Now brace yourself for an evening of awkward conversation and disturbing smells.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS OVER TV.]
[SCREAMS.]
- What is it? - Clint Eastwood just took his shirt off.
Nothing worse than cold popcorn, uh.
I'll, uh-- I'll be right back with some more.
You're just a doll.
You didn't smile at me, right? DOLL: I'm a Molly Dolly.
Salem, please tell me you're throwing your voice.
Mm? Not me.
Too many caramels.
ZELDA: Hilda, stop it.
We're not leaving until we find Aunt Beulah.
Excuse me.
Are you Aunt Beulah? No.
I'm Delilah.
And I'm delighted to meet you.
They sound alike.
It's a real conversation starter.
Okay, she's not here.
Let's go.
Ladies, allow me to introduce myself.
I am Dr.
Hans Egglehoffer.
The Dr.
Hans Egglehoffer? The renowned psychiatrist, author and surgeon? Really? Where? Oh, that's me.
[LAUGHING.]
This party isn't going to be boring after all.
Dr.
Egglehoffer is the foremost authority on slug reproduction.
Ooh, ask him if he's got a friend.
Hi, simply hi.
I'm Gary Owens.
The TV personality? Oh, sure you are.
Yes, and I also have my own radio show heard nationwide by 15 million listeners.
Thank you.
Doesn't even sound like Gary Owens.
Is this a fabulous party or what? Well, obviously, you've had a fewtoo many.
So after our perfunctory hellos and goodbyes to old Aunt Beulah, we'll drive you home.
But I am home.
But that would make you Aunt Beulah.
[SINGING.]
That's me.
HILDA: Aunt Beulah.
BEULAH: Oh, darling.
We're so happy we finally made it.
Well, that's a load of bull honky, but I love it.
Listen up, everybody.
It's time for a toast.
I have been up all night making this candy corn.
Tell me what you think.
Be brutal.
Be brutal.
- It's kind of stale.
- Monster.
Okay.
Nobody's seen anything.
The night is still salvageable.
I'm a Molly Dolly.
I'm sure you're a nice dolly, but I don't have time-- - Sabrina? - Valerie.
Why are you talking to a doll? Because I don't believe in hitting them.
You have some trick-or-treaters, but none of us can open the door.
Trick-or-treaters? What could they possibly want? Make sure she doesn't get out of there.
A little time in the box might do her some good.
[CHILDREN GIGGLING.]
Wow, Mulan has quite an arm.
Hey, if you kids don't knock it off, I'm gonna break out the raisins.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
- You okay? - Yeah.
It must be an electrical storm, and you know how eggs conduct lightning.
- I'll just go try the back door.
- I'll help you.
No.
Look.
Another bridge.
Now I know why my mom loves this movie.
HANS: You know, you have a fascinating brain.
- I would love to study it.
- Oh, you're too kind.
Mind if I take a few measurements? Don't you wanna try the cocktail wieners? I hear they're good.
"If you like cocktail wieners, you'll love our new cheese log, made with 100 percent cheese and 50 percent log.
" I hope this party's over while I'm still in my 500's.
[LAUGHING.]
I don't get it.
Excuse me.
Okay, I can't take it anymore.
I've had enough of this party and enough candy corn.
I wanna go home.
Don't you think I wanna leave? But we can't during the toast.
It would just be rude.
After all these centuries, I'm celebrating Halloween with my dear nieces, Hilda and Zelda.
- Not now.
- I don't give a bat's behind.
I want to go home.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Well.
Uh, we'll just be leaving now.
Oh, that's impossible.
Oh, Bellevuedere.
This is an insane asylum.
No one leaves.
Ever.
[LAUGHING.]
It didn't say that on the invitation.
[WOMEN CACKLING.]
DOLL: I'm a Molly Dolly.
- I know.
Wait.
You're behind all this.
Why'd you seal the doors? How'd you get out of the box? Where's Salem? [SALEM MUMBLING.]
The Molly Dolly is bad.
Hide me behind the rye and close the door.
You sicken me.
Look, Molly "Psycho" Dolly, I don't know what you're up to, but if you don't unlock this house, I'm gonna throw you out in the traffic.
Well, as soon as you unlock this house.
I'm a Molly Dolly.
Stop that.
Can't you say anything else? I'm a Molly Dolly, and I'm gonna get you.
That's not what I wanted to hear.
Look, Molly, I'm not afraid of you.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm a witch.
Ooh, I'm scared.
Sarcasm not sold separately.
[GIGGLING.]
Look, I'm warning you.
I have friends over.
Oh, goody.
I have friends too.
Nice to meet you, Frank.
How'd the operation turn out? Gotta go.
[GROANS.]
[MONSTER GROANING.]
Hoagies repeating on you too, huh? [VIOLIN PLAYING.]
Do I hear a violin? I need the practise.
Don't look.
I'm very self-conscious.
Not the sharpest pencil in the monster box, heh-heh.
You can't just keep us here.
We can just zap ourselves out.
What have you done with our magic? You no longer have your power.
That's what the candy corn was for.
Oh, Bellevuedere.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
You don't understand.
We do not belong in an insane asylum.
We don't even like Crazy Bread.
Maybe we'll have to subdue you.
Won't hurt a bit.
Not me, anyway.
- Run.
- Run.
I'm glad I wore my sensible shoes.
They were on sale at Fayva.
The prices were insane.
Okay, it's late.
Time to go.
See you at school.
I'm looking at a still photo.
Move.
- It's only 8:45.
- And the doors are stuck.
I'm pretty sure the mud porch is wide open.
DOLL: Not anymore.
Don't go.
The knife-- I mean, the night has just begun.
And they say she's the next Teddy Ruxpin.
Who turned out the lights? [GIGGLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Me.
That's it.
I'm calling my aunts for help.
The phone's dead.
DOLL: If you're a teenager scared out of your wits, press the pound key now.
I shouldn't tell you this, but it may be our only chance for survival.
That doll has magical powers.
It's out to get all of us.
Run! Hide! Save yourselves! [LAUGHING.]
Sabrina, when you do a prank, you go all out.
I heard about your river of candy corn.
It's not a prank.
We're never gonna get to see Enchanted April! [LAUGHING.]
[GIGGLING.]
All right, I think we've lost Bellevuedere.
Luckily, we were running, he was frolicking.
Oh, great.
An exit.
We can escape.
[BABBLING.]
Nope, just an escape from reality.
Quick.
Bellevuedere's coming.
I know a way out.
Oh, thank goodness, Delilah.
You're the only sane person here.
Delilah? My name's not Delilah.
It's Fred.
Don't make me turn this car around.
[IMITATING CAR.]
It's funny.
I never thought I'd die this way.
- Not really funny ha-ha.
- No.
More funny ha-ha-ha-ha.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, I thought it was funny.
[SCREAMING.]
SABRINA: There's gotta be a flashlight around here somewhere.
Are we afraid of the dark? Can we take out her batteries? I can't find a candle, a match, a torch There's never an angry mob around when you need one.
Here's some light.
Maybe we could put a bag over her head.
DOLL [SINGING.]
: Merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily Life is but a scream Sabrina, I know you went to a lot of trouble, but sometimes pranks can go too far.
[THUNDER CLAPPING.]
[GROANING.]
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
What am I gonna do? There's no spell to stop killer dolls.
Well, at least find one to turn on the lights.
I don't believe this.
Clap on.
Well, good.
We have light.
Maybe now we have a fighting chance against Molly.
Come on, Salem.
[GASPS.]
Oh, wait.
There's the exit.
Let's go.
No.
They're not gonna fool us this time.
I'm onto them.
Laboratory, my eye.
[HILDA SCREAMS.]
HILDA: I don't know about you, but I wish we would have tried that door marked "Exit.
" How kind of you to join us.
I realise you've been captured.
I'm just being ironic.
Come in.
Here, sit, sit, sit.
Sit here, ah.
Now, I will attempt to switch your brains with the brains of the two chickens over there.
What? You will do no such thing.
You should have heard the chickens complaining.
You're lucky.
Usually his experiments are kind of crackpot.
And that was "They're Coming To Take Me Away.
" Next up: "They're Coming To Take Me Away.
" Let the experiment begin.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
DOLL: Everyone's hiding? Come out, come out wherever you are.
That's it.
You're going down, you little plastic nightmare.
[GRUNTING.]
Your winking days are over.
Way to go, Sabrina.
My plan to pretend I was a coward worked.
Okay.
Now all I have to do is go wrestle Frankenstein, the mummy and all those other freaks.
I'll go get my aunts.
DOLL: You'll never get away with this.
You'd better hope Aunt Beulah saved your receipt.
You don't toy with Sabrina, especially if you're a toy.
DOLL: Oh, really? [WHISPERING.]
Sabrina.
Sab-- Sa-- Next up: "Crazy.
" Oh.
Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, you've gotta help me.
Aunt Beulah's doll is wacko.
Harvey, Valerie and Justin are gonna die.
What am I going to do? [CLUCKING.]
Could you be a little bit more specific? What a lovely cranium, my dear.
Mind if I borrow it? ZELDA [AS CHICKEN.]
: Leave her alone.
Sabrina, over here.
Okay, so, what am I gonna do? ZELDA: First, we've got to figure out how we can not be chickens anymore.
You must be Sabrina.
Everyone, I want you to meet my great-niece, Sabrina.
Hey.
That's my name too.
ZELDA: Aunt Beulah, please don't turn Sabrina into a chicken.
She's so young.
HILDA [AS CHICKEN.]
: And high school's so-- Oh, no.
Something's happening to me.
- I'm laying an egg.
- Oh, that's what happened to me when I tried to do Music Man in dinner theatre.
Don't worry.
Nothing's going to happen to Sabrina.
This isn't an insane asylum.
It's a theme party.
ZELDA: You mean this whole thing is a joke? If you'd come to my last 500 parties, you would know.
Last year, we had a prison riot.
Excuse me.
I hate to be the only adult here, but I have a problem with my doll.
Oh, no, I hope I didn't send you the wrong one.
Zelda and Hilda.
Let's go.
HILDA: I know I'm a healthy alternative to red meat, but change me back.
[MONSTER GROANING.]
- Isn't this fun? SABRINA: See what she's doing? Oh, what's the problem? This is the right doll.
I thought Molly would be fun for Halloween.
No.
You see, in this realm, we don't give toys like this to children.
Fine.
I'll stop her.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SINGING.]
- I'll stop terrorizing if you stop yelling.
- Deal.
Okay, guys, pack it up.
Party's over.
[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROANING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, you should have seen the look on your faces.
Great prank, huh? Yeah, it was great.
But we were onto you.
So you guys wanna watch the rest of the movies? No! Oh, honey, are you okay? [CLUCKS.]
Excuse me.
Oh, sure.
It's not every day a girl has Frankenstein, the Mummy, a vampire, the Headless Horseman and a werewolf on her double date.
Molly, I didn't tell you to send a werewolf.
And I didn't.
[WOLF GROWLS.]
SALEM: I think I finally got him calmed down.
Don't make any sudden noises.
[SCREAMING.]
Was it real, or wasn't it? I know that was scary, but don't worry, kids.
It's all behind us now.
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
Hilda, get ahold of yourself.
Ah.
Thanks.
I needed that.
Oh, no.
We've been invited to Aunt Beulah's Halloween party.
Aunt Beulah? I've never met her.
Huh? Ahh! It never ends.
[SCREAMING.]