Scorpion (2014) s03e06 Episode Script
Bat Poop Crazy
1 WALTER: Previously on Scorpion You married Happy.
It was six years ago; his visa was up.
If I divorce him now before he has citizenship, he'll be deported, Walter's gone, Scorpion over.
But I kind of need that divorce now, because I'm pregnant.
Help you? I am looking for Walter O'Brien.
Who's asking? Joyce Linehan.
I'm with U.
S.
Citizenship and Immigration, and I am going to be handling your case.
Today's mission? It's perilous.
The adversary is our worst yet.
A nuclear threat? An evil dictator? We wish.
It's a pencil-pushing bureaucrat.
So, guys, we take this seriously.
HAPPY: Just take the picture, dimwit.
Apple, little closer to Sir Isaac Newton, please.
Okay, hurry up; this kid I'm cooking will be birthed by the time you take the picture.
I can't hold this smile much longer.
Smile? Looks like he's Enduring a medical exam for men over 40? Next costume! (sighs) I get this isn't mentally taxing, but, guys, Linehan's first impression of your marriage was Happy? Not good.
So, if you want her to buy marital bliss, you need to fake more than just your Halloween history.
So, you'll need to show some real emotion.
How do we know she's coming? I thought her visits were unscheduled.
First time she showed up, I spoofed her cell, checked her calendar.
Now, would that be a state crime or an additional federal offense on top of the fraudulent marriage? Both.
Great.
Well, the federal crimes are nearly over.
We've done our homework.
Happy's favorite Halloween dance: The Halloween Hustle.
Favorite candy: Nerds.
And favorite monster: Frankenstein.
He's held with nuts and bolts.
And, Happy, what about Walter? Walter's favorite Halloween beverage is water.
Beyond that, I have no idea.
He won't make anything up.
WALTER: Come on, let's get this over with.
Uh, maybe you could save that costume for our honeymoon.
Can it and take the photos.
Come on, let's go.
Over here.
Picture by the desk.
Now, Walter, people in love know details about their partner, so what did you do for Halloween when you were a kid? We didn't celebrate in Ireland.
Aw, that's a shame.
You know, I've always loved Halloween.
It's a chance to be whoever you want.
I used to take my dad's letterman's jacket, I'd put it on, and I'd slick my hair back, pretend to be cool.
That has me a second away from breaking into tears.
My self-image has evolved, thank you.
Now I spend Halloweens at The Warlock's Chest for games night.
Which reminds me, I need to set an alarm on my phone for the Super Fun Guy Halloween Special.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the ten-sided die, we lose track of time.
And that made it worse.
Guys, we need normal Halloween stories.
Anyone? You're the human.
Regale us.
(camera clicking) All pretty standard.
Uh, Mom made theme costumes for the family: Igor, Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein.
We'd trick-or-treat together, um hand out candy, and it was fun.
WALTER: I cannot comprehend an evening spent that way with my family.
Walter, we need something to make you human.
PAIGE: Ralph.
Ralphy.
You're supposed to help decorate, not help yourself to the decorations.
By stacking the candy corn kernels, it actually resembles a corn cob.
It's so simple and logical.
Candy.
Corn.
And I think you're done with the candy.
No more sugar.
Come on.
I'm not sure I can pull this off.
I'm finding that (whispers): faking emotion is nearly impossible.
Pal, you specialize in the nearly impossible.
The first step is to not beat yourself up.
Faking emotion is a hard chore even for the most naturally demonstrative.
You saw how bad a job Paige did.
What? Sometimes I forget how much more I see as a brilliant behaviorist.
Her Halloween story? The short, fragmented sentences, 'cause people like to get through lies quickly.
And she scratched her nose, which contains erectile tissue that expands because blood rushes to the head and brain when lying.
Her tale of matching costumes and family night? It's phony baloney.
Why would she, of all people, fabricate a story? Well, think about it: You have a terrible relationship with your parents, Sly's dad is a dictator, my mom's bat poop crazy, Happy was in foster care; we talked about this.
Paige? She's just a stranger we took from a diner.
We know nothing, except that she just lied.
Maybe her upbringing was lupinus.
I highly doubt she was raised by wolves.
Well, there's something she's ashamed of.
All right, team, gear up! We're moving out in five.
Who are you, Belushi in Animal House? Who? Never mind.
Cabe, are you here for the party? What's in the bags? Decorations? We have a mission.
What? No.
We have candy and costumes, and we're gonna have a party.
And the Knights of West Altadena will be playing Fantasies and Frolics at The Warlock's Chest.
You didn't tell him? You know how he gets.
What's going on? Kid, we're going to a remote location outside of Tempe, where we're spelunking to save bats.
I am not spelunking to save a disease-ridden flying rodent.
We all are, except for Happy, who's gonna QB us from the garage speakerphone while she keeps an eye on Ralphy-boy.
I got it covered.
Caves are dangerous for pregnant women.
Listeria grows in the ubiquitous rat urine.
Rat pee is dangerous for anybody.
Come on.
There's nothing to worry about.
SYLVESTER: I am terribly worried.
I also resent that I wasn't informed of this case sooner.
We didn't want you to freak out until it was absolutely necessary.
I resent that you assume that I will freak out.
Dude, you're checking your pulse as we speak.
WALTER: Sly, we wouldn't be here unless it was absolutely necessary.
Like fate of the free world, Sly, no joke.
Yeah, well, I'm still waiting on an explanation.
The bats in this cave suffer from WNS-- White Nose Syndrome.
It's a fungal disease wiping out bats from across Latin America to the U.
S.
This cave houses a particularly large population from all across the continent, who come here to breed and to hibernate.
So, treating these bats will have a large geographic reach.
Bats are filthy animals.
They are veritable flying sacks of viruses.
They're veritable flying, insect-eating machines, natural insecticide, an amazing feat of evolutionary biology, and the second most important pollinator.
Millions of them jam together so tightly that they poop on one another.
WALTER: If WNS wipes out bat populations, it could threaten Western civilization.
I would love to hear that math.
In Syria, a ten-year drought ruined subsistence farming, so scores of young men fled the countryside and moved to the cities-- aimless youth, no jobs, no direction.
It was the perfect breeding ground for radicalization.
If the bats in this cave succumb to WNS, then they might not return home to, say, Latin America.
The insect population will increase, and subsistence farming will be ruined.
I guess that math adds up.
And we're not gonna be alone; the zoologists who hired us are supposed to be meeting us here.
Yeah, Dr.
Bryce and Jody MacMillan.
They went in earlier to clear the cave of any hikers, and they'll meet us in chamber one.
This note on their truck HAPPY: Then giddy-up.
You have a party to throw and a bureaucrat to impress.
Linehan will be at the garage at 8:00, so let's not miss our window.
(snaps fingers) SYLVESTER: All right.
(stutters) E-Everybody wait.
Why are we here? Can't the zoologists save the bats? Uh, because the last time those caves were properly surveyed was over 40 years ago, and due to the limestone structure, they're what we called "geologically fluid.
" TOBY: Caverns that were there three weeks ago might not be there today.
WALTER: And I've designed a laser mapping device to canvass the cave system, calculating the square footage.
You told me it was a Halloween decoration! I lied.
It's to work out the perfect placement for the Fungiblaster.
A flea bomb that'll aerosol fungicide throughout the cave to kill the virus causing White Nose, while leaving the bats unharmed.
And do I want to know its toxicity to humans? No.
TOBY: We'll have it on a timer, and we'll already have exited when it goes off.
Well, we can't exit until we enter, so let's get going.
Uh, bats have unique optical rods and cones.
They're agitated by white light, but not red.
Stick these to your flashlights.
(bats chirping quietly) (wings flapping) TOBY: Now, this sensor disc will pick up disbursement efficacies of the fungicide.
CABE: Step carefully.
Supposed to drop off in about 15 feet.
TOBY: Where's the zoologists? WALTER: They might be further in, but calling for them will only agitate the bats.
PAIGE: Wow.
It's It's dark.
Really dark.
My God, it's beautiful.
WALTER: It's also a long way to the bottom.
So, let's keep moving.
Elevator going down to spooky town.
CABE: You guys, quit playing grab-ass and get over here and get down this rope.
(equipment beeping) HAPPY: Receiving data.
So, Sly, once Happy collates the data, double-check the calculations.
It's one of the reasons why we need you here.
PAIGE: Um, while we're waiting, how's it going with Ralph? How hard is it to handle an 11-year-old genius? The kid can take care of himself.
He's a self-driving car.
Yeah, well, those things make me nervous.
So does my son on three bags of candy corn.
Genius brains process glucose faster than normal brains.
Could cause hyperactivity.
Guys, he's under control.
Okay, that cavern is scanned.
Laser fluctuations show micro currents blowing east to west out of a bigger hollow about 40 yards away.
Was that on the map? Not that I can see, but the readings are what they are.
I told you, limestone shifts and changes.
Okay, let's go.
We got to scan that hollow.
CABE: Step carefully.
There's a two-foot-wide chasm here.
It's like a fault line.
(grunts) TOBY: Okay, we'll scan this hollow, then move on to the next cavern, and we'll be back in L.
A.
sooner than we thought.
(rocks rumbling in distance) What was that? I didn't hear where it came from.
It's crumbling limestone, nothing more.
Or some unknown evil unleashed after centuries of lying dormant.
You watch horror movies? I've seen the commercials.
And if something bad was going to happen, this would be the perfect spot.
So, I am just going to sit right over here Quit being such a baby.
It was just a sound.
Oh, because scary things are always silent.
Where's the logic in that, Cabe? (gasps) Cave zombie! PAIGE: Oh! Oh, no! The laser! MAN: Help me! Grab his hand! No! Push him back into hell! Guys? What's going on? TOBY: Newton found the zoologist.
(panting) W-We were attacked.
You got a lot of bites on you, Doc.
Assume it was the bats that attacked you? Man, you are sweating something awful.
You have to help my wife.
Promise me.
Promise me you'll help my wife.
Add in rapid-fire response speech.
He's got the symptoms of rabies.
BRYCE: We found a new crack, led to an unexplored area.
W-We followed it through to make sure no hikers had gone in.
And that's when we were attacked.
Doctor, where's your wife? I-I don't know.
Sh-She fell down.
I-I couldn't reach her.
SYLVESTER: Instead of asking the rabid man, how about we check the film on his harness cam? WALTER: Great idea.
Here, Sly, grab a cable, and then hook it up to your tablet.
Happy, you catch all this? Loud and clear.
Not good.
Ralph hear? No.
I've patched your comms into the speaker phone, and he's all the way back in the kitchen.
Okay, do me a favor: don't-don't tell him, okay? I don't want him getting scared.
Copy that.
Okay, we're ready.
(Bryce and Jody panting) BRYCE: There's an entire world in here that no one's ever seen before.
Look at them.
(bats chirping) Follow me through here.
BRYCE: Jody what do you think we should name this place? I think "bat cave's" already taken.
Whoa, you okay? Yeah.
Just (bats squawking) They're becoming very active.
I've never seen behavior this aggressive.
(bats squawking loudly) They're attacking! (yells) Be careful! Take cover! Go back! Get off me! (grunts) Be careful! (screams) Jody! Can you hear me?! I hid under a ledge until the bats went back to roosting.
Then I-I wandered through the cave until I heard you.
See the white nose? The bat's infected with Pseudogymnoascus destructans, the fungus that causes White Nose Syndrome.
They all are.
So how did Bryce get rabies? WNS compromises the bats' immune system, makes them susceptible to other diseases, like rabies, which makes them more aggressive.
WALTER: Must've slipped and bumped into the cave wall.
That knocked out the red filter, exposing the white light.
PAIGE: That's why the bats attacked.
SYLVESTER: So, just to clarify, we are surrounded by psychotic flying killers that will go off at the slightest provocation.
CABE: Our mission is now twofold.
First, we got to rescue Jody, and then we got to get the Fungiblaster where it needs to be so we can save the bats.
Third, while getting Bryce to a hospital.
This guy is suffering from a virulent rabies strain like Duvenhage, Kotonkan or Rochambeau; if he doesn't get the right serum in the next half hour, he doesn't ever get to trick-or-treat again.
No, n-no.
I have to go back for my wife.
PAIGE: We'll find her.
TOBY: Happy, closest hospital? HAPPY: I am working on it.
CABE: Good luck, Doc.
TOBY: You, too.
Be safe.
All right.
We're gonna have to go deeper in, find this woman.
(grunting) SYLVESTER: So into the darkness with the killer bats.
This is how every scary movie starts.
Scorpion 3x06 Bat Poop Crazy @elderman Okay, Toby, I just sent directions to East General, the closest Level III trauma center.
It's 25 minutes, if you drive like a madman.
I'm doing 78 on bald tires! (chuckles) That's funny.
You're fun.
Thanks, buddy.
And you're delirious, so just keep it together until we can get you to the hospital.
HAPPY: Guys, I'm trying to calculate approximate cave system layouts based on where you've been and 40 year-old data, but all I can tell you is: watch your step.
Hey, what's with the knife? I stenciled designs on my pumpkins.
It's a little dangerous.
No mas.
Am I smelling ammonia? What is in that syringe? I'm inducing a simple double replacement reaction that'll produce a uniform outward force, displacing the weakened patterns on the pumpkin surface.
You're injecting the pumpkins with explosive chemicals? So I can carve four pumpkins at once.
No exploding pumpkins! CABE: You okay? (panting) WALTER: Happy, we need to know the incline of the initial drop off.
Uh, I'm looking at your GPS signals.
You're off the grid.
Don't inject that pumpkin! What? Wh-What is Ralph injecting? Nothing! All good over here.
Uh, but regarding the cave, I am out of ideas.
CABE: Blind as bats in here, pun intended.
That's it.
You're as blind as a bat, so you need to act like bats.
Echolocation.
Exactly.
Cabe, pick up the biggest rock that you can find, and throw it out in front of you.
And then, Sly, give us a time to impact.
Okay.
(grunts) Here we go.
(grunts) (rock clatters) 1.
43 seconds.
That's about a 50-foot drop.
Based on the polarimetric asymmetry of the returning echo, I'd say that this decline, based on the likely underlying geographic morphology, either lets us slide into the cavern, or we fall 50 feet and die.
But I'm 74% sure it's option one.
Not the best odds.
Whoa! (screams) SYLVESTER: Walter! (groans) Uh Thanks for, um, breaking my fall.
My pleasure.
HAPPY: You guys all okay? Uh, yeah, just a little banged up.
(explosion, pumpkin splatters) PAIGE: Wh-What was that? Just the TV.
Watching scary movies.
Well, I need to make sure it's okay for Ralph.
What are you guys watching? I think it's the one with that kid, Damien.
The big clown out there is gaining on us.
I need you to stay with me, okay, pal? Okay.
But that clown can't have any of my birthday cake.
I can get you all the birthday cake you want once we get you better.
Right now I need you to concentrate on what's real.
And that's getting you to the hospital.
And this truck has no GPS, and these back roads have no signs.
You know this area! So, help me navigate.
Okay.
Right after I get my birthday cake.
I'll get it.
Whoa! What the hell?! (tires screech) (gasps) I need you to keep it together, man, all right?! Of course you're not all right.
Just stay here! (groans): Oh! Happy, I need something medical closer than the hospital.
There is a small town clinic a half a mile ahead.
That help? Yeah, clinics in bat country should have a supply of rabies serum on hand.
I like you.
(sighs) SYLVESTER: We keep on moving deeper into this cave, and there's still no sign of the zoologist lady.
Maybe she found her own way out.
PAIGE: After being bitten by bats? I doubt it.
SYLVESTER: Okay, well, we still don't know if we're even going in the right direction.
Oh, yeah.
We are.
Look.
Blood.
That must be where Bryce and Jody got attacked by the bats.
And that's got to be the chute Jody fell in.
WALTER: Jody? Jody? (bats chirping) She could be unconscious by now.
(bat squeaks) (gasps) We are not alone.
CABE: It's just like The Birds.
Probably didn't see that film.
Oh, I did.
I thought it was about ornithology, and I was unpleasantly surprised.
MAN (over ringtone): It's time for fun! (alarm rings) - Ringers are supposed to be off.
- It is off.
This is my alarm for the Super Fun Guy Halloween special.
I was supposed to be watching it this afternoon, instead of on a mission that you guys didn't me about.
WALTER (whispers): Quiet! Guys they're moving.
(bats squawking) What's moving? (screaming): Bats! Everyone, this way! (Sylvester gasping) (grunts) (rocks clattering) (shrieking) This is my nightmare! This is my actual nightmare! SYLVESTER: Cabe, get under here! CABE: I'm under! (bats continue squawking) They're not stopping! SYLVESTER: Happy! Trip the fire alarm! Turn the alarm on? Why? Because high-pitched noises repel bats! (smoke alarm beeping) Hey! What are you doing?! You said you wanted the alarm turned on.
Get down before you break your neck! But first hold this phone to the alarm.
Is something going on? Halloween prank on Sly.
Sweet.
(beeping continues) (squawking stops) It worked.
(beeping stops) Is everyone okay? (grunts) CABE: Sound off.
(panting): We're fine, but we're we're cut off.
We can't get back to you.
(panting): You know, we're gonna have to go deeper into the cave, see if we can find an exit.
HAPPY: I will look for geological formations that might signal a way out.
This looks like the ravine in Bryce's video.
(whispering): Jody? Jody? Jody? I don't see her.
Yeah, well, she's got to be down here somewhere.
Yeah.
Only one way to find out.
Rappel down.
Get your rope out.
TOBY: All right, we're almost there.
Just a few more steps.
Just a few more steps, huh? Are you kidding me?! (Toby grunts) (Bryce groans) Happy, the clinic's locked, and this guy's dead if I don't get him serum.
Okay, take a bobby pin and I can walk you through the lock pick.
I always wear a hat.
Why would I have a bobby pin? I-I don't know.
I'm thinking.
Ralph, please! She's teaching me to tango.
Doc? Doc, I'm having trouble hearing you.
Never mind.
There's your bobby pin! You know how to do this? Yeah.
I watched a spelunking video.
See, the trick is to manage your speed so that you don't descend too (whoops) That was fun.
Um yeah.
Oh, I got to tighten your lightbulb.
Oh.
Turn.
Just okay.
What's that look? Hmm? I was just thinking about my dad.
He was adept at fixing lights.
When the headlamps on his combine malfunctioned, he would correct it within minutes.
What about your dad? Well, he certainly wasn't fixing combines.
Why-why do you ask? Huh? Toby said that you were untruthful about how you spent Halloween with your family.
Is that correct? Only-only 'cause I know you're not a deceitful person, so, logically you lied, then something's bothering you and that bothers me.
My dad was a good man, um, but my mom had some trouble.
When she, um, left him, it he was crushed.
She was the love of his life.
So, for Halloween, he'd buy a gross bag of no-name candy from the dollar store and leave it in a basket and turn off all the house lights, and so he'd no one would think we were home.
And then, uh, we'd sit on the couch together and watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
You never went out with the other kids? Seeing families having fun together, that was just too much for him.
I lied.
Sorry.
No.
All right.
We have work to do.
Bryce? Bryce? Stay awake.
(Bryce groaning) Ooh, Frankenstein noises.
That's good.
Means your brain's still working.
So, even though you can't understand me, I'm gonna keep talking to you.
My voice will keep your brain active, so that you can fight off the virus.
You know what happens when rabies reaches your brain? You die.
And that's bad.
Um rabies serum, rabies serum Rabies serum.
Okay.
Spotted bat, Mexican long-tongued, Townsend's big-eared.
Ten vials, ten species, ten strains of rabies.
Problem is, if I pick the wrong one, you also die, so I got to choose very carefully.
(groans loudly) Yeah, yeah, yeah! I am hurrying! Uh, so you didn't get bit by a coyote, raccoon or fox.
(groans) Shh.
Um, okay, that leaves seven species of bat.
Video footage.
(groans) Uh, okay.
Uh, brown fur, round nose.
(vocalizing) And four left.
Um Come on, I need wing structure! Uh, Sly, you're not gonna like this, but I need your photographic memory to pluck a bat that looks exactly like the one in Bryce's video.
CABE: Open your eyes and find a damn bat.
They are disgusting.
(groans) CABE: They're more afraid of you than you are of them.
I don't believe that's true.
(Walter chuckles) I think we're getting closer to finding Jody.
We are? Yeah.
Glowworms.
They're amazing creatures.
Luciferin's the chemical that makes them illuminate.
But they only live in wet conditions, so water must be nearby.
And Jody's a zoologist, so she knew where there's running water, there might be a way out.
Look, there's another worm.
And here are drag marks.
I think she went through here.
PAIGE: Through that tiny crevice? - Yeah.
Well, cavers call them "squeeze.
" Well, if Jody can do it, we can, too.
We have to.
She needs us, right? There's no other way out.
Ladies first.
Yeah.
(whimpering) Oh.
Stop.
The bats are right above my head.
(whispering): All right, just get to it.
Don't mind me.
I'm just a friendly, giant bat with glasses.
(Sylvester whimpering) Oh, Cabe, I got it.
Cabe, I got it.
Bring me down.
Great.
What's the bone structure of the wing? Three bones or five? I'm about to look.
(exhales) Five bones in the wing.
And the winner is lesser leaf-nosed bat carrying the Lyssavirus type three! Well done, kid.
Good work, Sly.
You saved his life.
You know, he's actually not that bad.
I mean, he helped me save somebody's life today.
Hey, there, Mr.
Bat.
You're actually kind of cute.
You want to be a part of Team Scorpion? Me and Ferret Bueller (bat hisses, Sylvester screams) The bastard bit me! SYLVESTER: Man down! Man down! Don't worry, Sly.
I'll have rabies serum to you soon enough.
More glowworms.
WALTER (grunting): Must be close to a water source.
Happy, any luck finding a way out? I am looking through satellite images of those mountains in the winter.
Sometimes snow can reveal a sinkhole or hot spring or some other sign of a way out.
Nothing so far.
(groaning) But I'm still working on it.
Did you have more candy? A lot more.
Uh uh hang on there.
(phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Happy.
I'm calling you on your cell phone, so Paige can't hear us on the party line.
How's babysitting? You sounded stressed today.
I'm a little on edge.
Ralph's almost killed himself a few times.
Now he's nauseous.
Normally, it wouldn't bother me, but now I'm worried about every move he makes.
Well, maternal instincts are kicking in.
It's the natural mothering process.
It's like wider hips, crepy skin and your hair falling out.
That is not helping my mania.
See ya.
I was gonna give you this present tonight, but in front of the Airstream, under a tarp, is something I built for you.
Okay, I don't have time for surprises.
There's always time for surprises.
Do I have to look now? Yeah, right after you tell me how to hot-wire a Ranchero.
(grunting) I made it.
I'm through.
I think I found Jody.
WALTER: Oh, great.
Yeah, it's her.
Okay.
Oh, man.
She's not bitten as badly as Bryce, but she's very sick.
Is there water? Yeah, just a stagnant pond that won't lead to an exit.
We have to figure out a way to get Jody out of here.
(grunts loudly) Oh, no.
Oh, no, Paige.
The Fungiblaster.
It broke.
And it's spewing gas.
You mean the incredibly toxic fungicide? The one that kills humans? Yes, and given the confines of this space, we have roughly ten minutes before we see how effective it really is! (grunts) Solid rock.
Solid rock! HAPPY: You climbed down, then curved to the southwest.
That put you closer to the outside walls, but you still have two and a half feet of solid granite between you and blue sky.
Great.
All we have to do is figure out a way out of an impenetrable dead end in a few minutes.
We need to see if she has something we can use.
Like a gigantic backhoe? That'd be useful right now.
Here.
A lighter.
Do you still have the candy that you took from Ralph? Yes.
Okay.
Here.
Great.
Now Paige, we need to scoop up as much guano as we can.
Guano.
Right.
You're We're talking about the Bat feces.
They have a high concentration of nitrates.
Combined with the sugar in the candy, we can make an explosive and hopefully blow through the limestone.
Or kill the three of us.
The more likely scenario, but death is guaranteed if we don't.
Give me the flares.
Oh.
Speaking of death, I think I might be really close.
I've got a 103 fever, minimum.
Toughen up.
You got bit by one bat, and Toby's on the way with the serum.
TOBY: Hey-ho.
This Ranchero's a major beater.
HAPPY: Go to the far side of the mountain-- that's the closest external approximation to Walter, Paige and Jody's location.
We got it! (engine revs) WALTER: Okay.
Now you take Jody behind the boulder.
Lift up for me.
I'm gonna pull you back.
(Jody groans) That's fine.
Okay, light the fuse! WALTER: Heads down! Brace yourselves! Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! How the hell they gonna blow through all that? Brace for debris! Am I hallucinating this? Oh, boy.
Big kaboom! Walter? Paige? (coughing) (chuckles) It worked.
It worked.
Why is it still burning? Years of piled-up guano are on fire.
Here.
Get her up.
Get on the other side of her.
(Jody coughs) (panting) This is how every scary movie ends.
We've opened a portal to hell.
Well damn near normal.
Hey, keep an eye out later, just in case you start to, you know, crave blood.
Funny.
If you do start to turn, I will drive a stake through your heart personally, because we're pals.
You're gonna be fine.
Both of you.
Actually, all three.
I spoke to Bryce.
He's okay, too.
The bats, too.
The sensors we planted are showing wide disbursement of the fungicide.
So the bomb blast must have created an artificial air current permeating every crevice of the cave system.
The granite walls of the last cavern you were in took the brunt of the blast, so the limestone didn't collapse.
So we saved the bats.
Did a lot more than that.
Well, let's hurry up and reunite Jody and Bryce and then get to the airport.
We've got a Halloween party to start.
Ooh, I need a second.
Thanks.
Mr.
Wolfman, go tell Frankenstein Sly as a vampire.
Makes sense.
Happy and Walter are something science-y.
Dark and illuminated matter.
Together, we make up the universe.
Are you are Wait.
Pi squared.
Nailed it.
Scientist.
Bingo.
Doesn't look like any scientist that I've ever seen.
And you are German psychologist.
Discovered the learning curve.
And the spacing effect? The father of Neo-Kantian philosopher Julius Ebbinghaus? Come on, I'm Hermann Ebbinghaus! How could I be so dense? At least we're wearing costumes.
I'm wearing a costume.
Just soak me in; you'll get it.
Sunglasses at night? From the Corey Hart song.
Corey Hart? "Sunglasses at Night.
" It's on oldies radio.
It's not an oldie.
It's from the '80s.
Aw.
You know what year it is? And he looked so sweet TOBY: So? You like my gift? A rocking chair.
Yeah.
It's good for rocking a baby to sleep.
(sighs) Honestly, I was overwhelmed with Ralph.
Worried constantly.
Yeah.
That is a sign of good mothering.
Or mental collapse.
We're gonna make it.
Well, we have to; there's someone very small depending on us.
And we have each other, right? (footsteps approach) Happy, thanks for taking care of me today.
You're gonna be a good mom.
TOBY: Well, you're a natural.
He seems fine.
'Cause he booted.
Kids boot.
It's good for 'em.
PAIGE: Did you tell 'em what I told you to say? Yes.
Good.
Nice boot and rally, kid.
(phone ringing) Oh, hey, hey.
I-I have, uh I have a George Washington costume collecting dust.
After the INS agent comes through, maybe it would make your mom feel all good and Halloweeny if you, me and she went out and PAIGE: Ralph, good news! Tim came home early just to trick-or-treat with us.
He's driving in from the airport.
Wh What'd I interrupt? Walter wants to trick-or-treat with us.
No, Ralph, what I was saying was that I have a costume that maybe you, me and your mom might donate to your-your school's drama department.
So that sounds great.
Sounds odd.
Is that really what you wanted to say? Mm-hmm.
SYLVESTER: Uh, guys? (door closes) Ms.
Linehan.
What what a what a surprise.
Ah.
Happy Halloween to everyone.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart! Look who's here.
So nice to see you again.
You're having a party.
That's fun.
More for the kid, but we all just love Halloween.
Always have.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Candy corn? Candy corn's one of my favorite memories of Halloween.
What about you, Happy? What's your favorite memory of Halloween with your husband? You know um I like dressing up with Walter.
What's fun about that for you as a couple? Yeah um costumes She does it for me.
I-I'm the one who likes to dress up and have these parties.
I'm not a I'm not a trick-or-treater, per Se.
Isn't that right? Yep.
When I was a boy, we would stay in every year, pretend that no one was home and watch It's the Great Charlie Brown.
It's actually The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Loved it.
Anyway, my friends thought that I was crazy for not going out.
But I knew the reason why we stayed in was that my father didn't want me running five houses ahead with my buddies, while I tried to acquire as many double polysaccharide nougat treats as possible.
He wanted me home with him.
He knew that when kids get older, you lose them, so he wanted to spend the time together.
I didn't understand it then, but I I get it now.
So it's a favorite memory.
Father sounds like an interesting guy.
He gets more interesting all the time.
You know, don't mind me.
I'm just gonna look around.
That was Paige's story, reimagined to make her feel warm and fuzzy.
That's very acute of you.
I just needed something to say.
I'm doing this charade for you.
It's not your job to make her feel warm and fuzzy; it's Tim's job.
Well, if I'm guilty of anything, it's plagiarism.
Nothing more.
Dude, you're playing with fire.
You know, I'm not gonna linger.
Clearly, there's a lot of love here.
I mean, proton, electron "Sunglasses at Night.
" Exactly! Clever.
For 1985.
You know, this album is dated 2014 and has a reflection of that monitor over there, of that calendar from 2016.
That's funny.
You know, I took that picture, uh, but I must've put it in the wrong album, 'cause I had four Nutsy Clusters Okay.
and, uh, candy brain.
Oh! LINEHAN: A genius with candy brain.
You know, a suspicious person might think that things in this garage were staged.
Oh, no, absolutely not.
I mean, you're not a suspicious person.
You're-you're a very trusting person.
I can tell.
I'm a genius behaviorist.
I'm not done here.
Happy Halloween.
TOBY: Uh TOBY: Uh, she didn't buy it.
Guys, we are in deep guano.
@elderman
It was six years ago; his visa was up.
If I divorce him now before he has citizenship, he'll be deported, Walter's gone, Scorpion over.
But I kind of need that divorce now, because I'm pregnant.
Help you? I am looking for Walter O'Brien.
Who's asking? Joyce Linehan.
I'm with U.
S.
Citizenship and Immigration, and I am going to be handling your case.
Today's mission? It's perilous.
The adversary is our worst yet.
A nuclear threat? An evil dictator? We wish.
It's a pencil-pushing bureaucrat.
So, guys, we take this seriously.
HAPPY: Just take the picture, dimwit.
Apple, little closer to Sir Isaac Newton, please.
Okay, hurry up; this kid I'm cooking will be birthed by the time you take the picture.
I can't hold this smile much longer.
Smile? Looks like he's Enduring a medical exam for men over 40? Next costume! (sighs) I get this isn't mentally taxing, but, guys, Linehan's first impression of your marriage was Happy? Not good.
So, if you want her to buy marital bliss, you need to fake more than just your Halloween history.
So, you'll need to show some real emotion.
How do we know she's coming? I thought her visits were unscheduled.
First time she showed up, I spoofed her cell, checked her calendar.
Now, would that be a state crime or an additional federal offense on top of the fraudulent marriage? Both.
Great.
Well, the federal crimes are nearly over.
We've done our homework.
Happy's favorite Halloween dance: The Halloween Hustle.
Favorite candy: Nerds.
And favorite monster: Frankenstein.
He's held with nuts and bolts.
And, Happy, what about Walter? Walter's favorite Halloween beverage is water.
Beyond that, I have no idea.
He won't make anything up.
WALTER: Come on, let's get this over with.
Uh, maybe you could save that costume for our honeymoon.
Can it and take the photos.
Come on, let's go.
Over here.
Picture by the desk.
Now, Walter, people in love know details about their partner, so what did you do for Halloween when you were a kid? We didn't celebrate in Ireland.
Aw, that's a shame.
You know, I've always loved Halloween.
It's a chance to be whoever you want.
I used to take my dad's letterman's jacket, I'd put it on, and I'd slick my hair back, pretend to be cool.
That has me a second away from breaking into tears.
My self-image has evolved, thank you.
Now I spend Halloweens at The Warlock's Chest for games night.
Which reminds me, I need to set an alarm on my phone for the Super Fun Guy Halloween Special.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the ten-sided die, we lose track of time.
And that made it worse.
Guys, we need normal Halloween stories.
Anyone? You're the human.
Regale us.
(camera clicking) All pretty standard.
Uh, Mom made theme costumes for the family: Igor, Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein.
We'd trick-or-treat together, um hand out candy, and it was fun.
WALTER: I cannot comprehend an evening spent that way with my family.
Walter, we need something to make you human.
PAIGE: Ralph.
Ralphy.
You're supposed to help decorate, not help yourself to the decorations.
By stacking the candy corn kernels, it actually resembles a corn cob.
It's so simple and logical.
Candy.
Corn.
And I think you're done with the candy.
No more sugar.
Come on.
I'm not sure I can pull this off.
I'm finding that (whispers): faking emotion is nearly impossible.
Pal, you specialize in the nearly impossible.
The first step is to not beat yourself up.
Faking emotion is a hard chore even for the most naturally demonstrative.
You saw how bad a job Paige did.
What? Sometimes I forget how much more I see as a brilliant behaviorist.
Her Halloween story? The short, fragmented sentences, 'cause people like to get through lies quickly.
And she scratched her nose, which contains erectile tissue that expands because blood rushes to the head and brain when lying.
Her tale of matching costumes and family night? It's phony baloney.
Why would she, of all people, fabricate a story? Well, think about it: You have a terrible relationship with your parents, Sly's dad is a dictator, my mom's bat poop crazy, Happy was in foster care; we talked about this.
Paige? She's just a stranger we took from a diner.
We know nothing, except that she just lied.
Maybe her upbringing was lupinus.
I highly doubt she was raised by wolves.
Well, there's something she's ashamed of.
All right, team, gear up! We're moving out in five.
Who are you, Belushi in Animal House? Who? Never mind.
Cabe, are you here for the party? What's in the bags? Decorations? We have a mission.
What? No.
We have candy and costumes, and we're gonna have a party.
And the Knights of West Altadena will be playing Fantasies and Frolics at The Warlock's Chest.
You didn't tell him? You know how he gets.
What's going on? Kid, we're going to a remote location outside of Tempe, where we're spelunking to save bats.
I am not spelunking to save a disease-ridden flying rodent.
We all are, except for Happy, who's gonna QB us from the garage speakerphone while she keeps an eye on Ralphy-boy.
I got it covered.
Caves are dangerous for pregnant women.
Listeria grows in the ubiquitous rat urine.
Rat pee is dangerous for anybody.
Come on.
There's nothing to worry about.
SYLVESTER: I am terribly worried.
I also resent that I wasn't informed of this case sooner.
We didn't want you to freak out until it was absolutely necessary.
I resent that you assume that I will freak out.
Dude, you're checking your pulse as we speak.
WALTER: Sly, we wouldn't be here unless it was absolutely necessary.
Like fate of the free world, Sly, no joke.
Yeah, well, I'm still waiting on an explanation.
The bats in this cave suffer from WNS-- White Nose Syndrome.
It's a fungal disease wiping out bats from across Latin America to the U.
S.
This cave houses a particularly large population from all across the continent, who come here to breed and to hibernate.
So, treating these bats will have a large geographic reach.
Bats are filthy animals.
They are veritable flying sacks of viruses.
They're veritable flying, insect-eating machines, natural insecticide, an amazing feat of evolutionary biology, and the second most important pollinator.
Millions of them jam together so tightly that they poop on one another.
WALTER: If WNS wipes out bat populations, it could threaten Western civilization.
I would love to hear that math.
In Syria, a ten-year drought ruined subsistence farming, so scores of young men fled the countryside and moved to the cities-- aimless youth, no jobs, no direction.
It was the perfect breeding ground for radicalization.
If the bats in this cave succumb to WNS, then they might not return home to, say, Latin America.
The insect population will increase, and subsistence farming will be ruined.
I guess that math adds up.
And we're not gonna be alone; the zoologists who hired us are supposed to be meeting us here.
Yeah, Dr.
Bryce and Jody MacMillan.
They went in earlier to clear the cave of any hikers, and they'll meet us in chamber one.
This note on their truck HAPPY: Then giddy-up.
You have a party to throw and a bureaucrat to impress.
Linehan will be at the garage at 8:00, so let's not miss our window.
(snaps fingers) SYLVESTER: All right.
(stutters) E-Everybody wait.
Why are we here? Can't the zoologists save the bats? Uh, because the last time those caves were properly surveyed was over 40 years ago, and due to the limestone structure, they're what we called "geologically fluid.
" TOBY: Caverns that were there three weeks ago might not be there today.
WALTER: And I've designed a laser mapping device to canvass the cave system, calculating the square footage.
You told me it was a Halloween decoration! I lied.
It's to work out the perfect placement for the Fungiblaster.
A flea bomb that'll aerosol fungicide throughout the cave to kill the virus causing White Nose, while leaving the bats unharmed.
And do I want to know its toxicity to humans? No.
TOBY: We'll have it on a timer, and we'll already have exited when it goes off.
Well, we can't exit until we enter, so let's get going.
Uh, bats have unique optical rods and cones.
They're agitated by white light, but not red.
Stick these to your flashlights.
(bats chirping quietly) (wings flapping) TOBY: Now, this sensor disc will pick up disbursement efficacies of the fungicide.
CABE: Step carefully.
Supposed to drop off in about 15 feet.
TOBY: Where's the zoologists? WALTER: They might be further in, but calling for them will only agitate the bats.
PAIGE: Wow.
It's It's dark.
Really dark.
My God, it's beautiful.
WALTER: It's also a long way to the bottom.
So, let's keep moving.
Elevator going down to spooky town.
CABE: You guys, quit playing grab-ass and get over here and get down this rope.
(equipment beeping) HAPPY: Receiving data.
So, Sly, once Happy collates the data, double-check the calculations.
It's one of the reasons why we need you here.
PAIGE: Um, while we're waiting, how's it going with Ralph? How hard is it to handle an 11-year-old genius? The kid can take care of himself.
He's a self-driving car.
Yeah, well, those things make me nervous.
So does my son on three bags of candy corn.
Genius brains process glucose faster than normal brains.
Could cause hyperactivity.
Guys, he's under control.
Okay, that cavern is scanned.
Laser fluctuations show micro currents blowing east to west out of a bigger hollow about 40 yards away.
Was that on the map? Not that I can see, but the readings are what they are.
I told you, limestone shifts and changes.
Okay, let's go.
We got to scan that hollow.
CABE: Step carefully.
There's a two-foot-wide chasm here.
It's like a fault line.
(grunts) TOBY: Okay, we'll scan this hollow, then move on to the next cavern, and we'll be back in L.
A.
sooner than we thought.
(rocks rumbling in distance) What was that? I didn't hear where it came from.
It's crumbling limestone, nothing more.
Or some unknown evil unleashed after centuries of lying dormant.
You watch horror movies? I've seen the commercials.
And if something bad was going to happen, this would be the perfect spot.
So, I am just going to sit right over here Quit being such a baby.
It was just a sound.
Oh, because scary things are always silent.
Where's the logic in that, Cabe? (gasps) Cave zombie! PAIGE: Oh! Oh, no! The laser! MAN: Help me! Grab his hand! No! Push him back into hell! Guys? What's going on? TOBY: Newton found the zoologist.
(panting) W-We were attacked.
You got a lot of bites on you, Doc.
Assume it was the bats that attacked you? Man, you are sweating something awful.
You have to help my wife.
Promise me.
Promise me you'll help my wife.
Add in rapid-fire response speech.
He's got the symptoms of rabies.
BRYCE: We found a new crack, led to an unexplored area.
W-We followed it through to make sure no hikers had gone in.
And that's when we were attacked.
Doctor, where's your wife? I-I don't know.
Sh-She fell down.
I-I couldn't reach her.
SYLVESTER: Instead of asking the rabid man, how about we check the film on his harness cam? WALTER: Great idea.
Here, Sly, grab a cable, and then hook it up to your tablet.
Happy, you catch all this? Loud and clear.
Not good.
Ralph hear? No.
I've patched your comms into the speaker phone, and he's all the way back in the kitchen.
Okay, do me a favor: don't-don't tell him, okay? I don't want him getting scared.
Copy that.
Okay, we're ready.
(Bryce and Jody panting) BRYCE: There's an entire world in here that no one's ever seen before.
Look at them.
(bats chirping) Follow me through here.
BRYCE: Jody what do you think we should name this place? I think "bat cave's" already taken.
Whoa, you okay? Yeah.
Just (bats squawking) They're becoming very active.
I've never seen behavior this aggressive.
(bats squawking loudly) They're attacking! (yells) Be careful! Take cover! Go back! Get off me! (grunts) Be careful! (screams) Jody! Can you hear me?! I hid under a ledge until the bats went back to roosting.
Then I-I wandered through the cave until I heard you.
See the white nose? The bat's infected with Pseudogymnoascus destructans, the fungus that causes White Nose Syndrome.
They all are.
So how did Bryce get rabies? WNS compromises the bats' immune system, makes them susceptible to other diseases, like rabies, which makes them more aggressive.
WALTER: Must've slipped and bumped into the cave wall.
That knocked out the red filter, exposing the white light.
PAIGE: That's why the bats attacked.
SYLVESTER: So, just to clarify, we are surrounded by psychotic flying killers that will go off at the slightest provocation.
CABE: Our mission is now twofold.
First, we got to rescue Jody, and then we got to get the Fungiblaster where it needs to be so we can save the bats.
Third, while getting Bryce to a hospital.
This guy is suffering from a virulent rabies strain like Duvenhage, Kotonkan or Rochambeau; if he doesn't get the right serum in the next half hour, he doesn't ever get to trick-or-treat again.
No, n-no.
I have to go back for my wife.
PAIGE: We'll find her.
TOBY: Happy, closest hospital? HAPPY: I am working on it.
CABE: Good luck, Doc.
TOBY: You, too.
Be safe.
All right.
We're gonna have to go deeper in, find this woman.
(grunting) SYLVESTER: So into the darkness with the killer bats.
This is how every scary movie starts.
Scorpion 3x06 Bat Poop Crazy @elderman Okay, Toby, I just sent directions to East General, the closest Level III trauma center.
It's 25 minutes, if you drive like a madman.
I'm doing 78 on bald tires! (chuckles) That's funny.
You're fun.
Thanks, buddy.
And you're delirious, so just keep it together until we can get you to the hospital.
HAPPY: Guys, I'm trying to calculate approximate cave system layouts based on where you've been and 40 year-old data, but all I can tell you is: watch your step.
Hey, what's with the knife? I stenciled designs on my pumpkins.
It's a little dangerous.
No mas.
Am I smelling ammonia? What is in that syringe? I'm inducing a simple double replacement reaction that'll produce a uniform outward force, displacing the weakened patterns on the pumpkin surface.
You're injecting the pumpkins with explosive chemicals? So I can carve four pumpkins at once.
No exploding pumpkins! CABE: You okay? (panting) WALTER: Happy, we need to know the incline of the initial drop off.
Uh, I'm looking at your GPS signals.
You're off the grid.
Don't inject that pumpkin! What? Wh-What is Ralph injecting? Nothing! All good over here.
Uh, but regarding the cave, I am out of ideas.
CABE: Blind as bats in here, pun intended.
That's it.
You're as blind as a bat, so you need to act like bats.
Echolocation.
Exactly.
Cabe, pick up the biggest rock that you can find, and throw it out in front of you.
And then, Sly, give us a time to impact.
Okay.
(grunts) Here we go.
(grunts) (rock clatters) 1.
43 seconds.
That's about a 50-foot drop.
Based on the polarimetric asymmetry of the returning echo, I'd say that this decline, based on the likely underlying geographic morphology, either lets us slide into the cavern, or we fall 50 feet and die.
But I'm 74% sure it's option one.
Not the best odds.
Whoa! (screams) SYLVESTER: Walter! (groans) Uh Thanks for, um, breaking my fall.
My pleasure.
HAPPY: You guys all okay? Uh, yeah, just a little banged up.
(explosion, pumpkin splatters) PAIGE: Wh-What was that? Just the TV.
Watching scary movies.
Well, I need to make sure it's okay for Ralph.
What are you guys watching? I think it's the one with that kid, Damien.
The big clown out there is gaining on us.
I need you to stay with me, okay, pal? Okay.
But that clown can't have any of my birthday cake.
I can get you all the birthday cake you want once we get you better.
Right now I need you to concentrate on what's real.
And that's getting you to the hospital.
And this truck has no GPS, and these back roads have no signs.
You know this area! So, help me navigate.
Okay.
Right after I get my birthday cake.
I'll get it.
Whoa! What the hell?! (tires screech) (gasps) I need you to keep it together, man, all right?! Of course you're not all right.
Just stay here! (groans): Oh! Happy, I need something medical closer than the hospital.
There is a small town clinic a half a mile ahead.
That help? Yeah, clinics in bat country should have a supply of rabies serum on hand.
I like you.
(sighs) SYLVESTER: We keep on moving deeper into this cave, and there's still no sign of the zoologist lady.
Maybe she found her own way out.
PAIGE: After being bitten by bats? I doubt it.
SYLVESTER: Okay, well, we still don't know if we're even going in the right direction.
Oh, yeah.
We are.
Look.
Blood.
That must be where Bryce and Jody got attacked by the bats.
And that's got to be the chute Jody fell in.
WALTER: Jody? Jody? (bats chirping) She could be unconscious by now.
(bat squeaks) (gasps) We are not alone.
CABE: It's just like The Birds.
Probably didn't see that film.
Oh, I did.
I thought it was about ornithology, and I was unpleasantly surprised.
MAN (over ringtone): It's time for fun! (alarm rings) - Ringers are supposed to be off.
- It is off.
This is my alarm for the Super Fun Guy Halloween special.
I was supposed to be watching it this afternoon, instead of on a mission that you guys didn't me about.
WALTER (whispers): Quiet! Guys they're moving.
(bats squawking) What's moving? (screaming): Bats! Everyone, this way! (Sylvester gasping) (grunts) (rocks clattering) (shrieking) This is my nightmare! This is my actual nightmare! SYLVESTER: Cabe, get under here! CABE: I'm under! (bats continue squawking) They're not stopping! SYLVESTER: Happy! Trip the fire alarm! Turn the alarm on? Why? Because high-pitched noises repel bats! (smoke alarm beeping) Hey! What are you doing?! You said you wanted the alarm turned on.
Get down before you break your neck! But first hold this phone to the alarm.
Is something going on? Halloween prank on Sly.
Sweet.
(beeping continues) (squawking stops) It worked.
(beeping stops) Is everyone okay? (grunts) CABE: Sound off.
(panting): We're fine, but we're we're cut off.
We can't get back to you.
(panting): You know, we're gonna have to go deeper into the cave, see if we can find an exit.
HAPPY: I will look for geological formations that might signal a way out.
This looks like the ravine in Bryce's video.
(whispering): Jody? Jody? Jody? I don't see her.
Yeah, well, she's got to be down here somewhere.
Yeah.
Only one way to find out.
Rappel down.
Get your rope out.
TOBY: All right, we're almost there.
Just a few more steps.
Just a few more steps, huh? Are you kidding me?! (Toby grunts) (Bryce groans) Happy, the clinic's locked, and this guy's dead if I don't get him serum.
Okay, take a bobby pin and I can walk you through the lock pick.
I always wear a hat.
Why would I have a bobby pin? I-I don't know.
I'm thinking.
Ralph, please! She's teaching me to tango.
Doc? Doc, I'm having trouble hearing you.
Never mind.
There's your bobby pin! You know how to do this? Yeah.
I watched a spelunking video.
See, the trick is to manage your speed so that you don't descend too (whoops) That was fun.
Um yeah.
Oh, I got to tighten your lightbulb.
Oh.
Turn.
Just okay.
What's that look? Hmm? I was just thinking about my dad.
He was adept at fixing lights.
When the headlamps on his combine malfunctioned, he would correct it within minutes.
What about your dad? Well, he certainly wasn't fixing combines.
Why-why do you ask? Huh? Toby said that you were untruthful about how you spent Halloween with your family.
Is that correct? Only-only 'cause I know you're not a deceitful person, so, logically you lied, then something's bothering you and that bothers me.
My dad was a good man, um, but my mom had some trouble.
When she, um, left him, it he was crushed.
She was the love of his life.
So, for Halloween, he'd buy a gross bag of no-name candy from the dollar store and leave it in a basket and turn off all the house lights, and so he'd no one would think we were home.
And then, uh, we'd sit on the couch together and watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
You never went out with the other kids? Seeing families having fun together, that was just too much for him.
I lied.
Sorry.
No.
All right.
We have work to do.
Bryce? Bryce? Stay awake.
(Bryce groaning) Ooh, Frankenstein noises.
That's good.
Means your brain's still working.
So, even though you can't understand me, I'm gonna keep talking to you.
My voice will keep your brain active, so that you can fight off the virus.
You know what happens when rabies reaches your brain? You die.
And that's bad.
Um rabies serum, rabies serum Rabies serum.
Okay.
Spotted bat, Mexican long-tongued, Townsend's big-eared.
Ten vials, ten species, ten strains of rabies.
Problem is, if I pick the wrong one, you also die, so I got to choose very carefully.
(groans loudly) Yeah, yeah, yeah! I am hurrying! Uh, so you didn't get bit by a coyote, raccoon or fox.
(groans) Shh.
Um, okay, that leaves seven species of bat.
Video footage.
(groans) Uh, okay.
Uh, brown fur, round nose.
(vocalizing) And four left.
Um Come on, I need wing structure! Uh, Sly, you're not gonna like this, but I need your photographic memory to pluck a bat that looks exactly like the one in Bryce's video.
CABE: Open your eyes and find a damn bat.
They are disgusting.
(groans) CABE: They're more afraid of you than you are of them.
I don't believe that's true.
(Walter chuckles) I think we're getting closer to finding Jody.
We are? Yeah.
Glowworms.
They're amazing creatures.
Luciferin's the chemical that makes them illuminate.
But they only live in wet conditions, so water must be nearby.
And Jody's a zoologist, so she knew where there's running water, there might be a way out.
Look, there's another worm.
And here are drag marks.
I think she went through here.
PAIGE: Through that tiny crevice? - Yeah.
Well, cavers call them "squeeze.
" Well, if Jody can do it, we can, too.
We have to.
She needs us, right? There's no other way out.
Ladies first.
Yeah.
(whimpering) Oh.
Stop.
The bats are right above my head.
(whispering): All right, just get to it.
Don't mind me.
I'm just a friendly, giant bat with glasses.
(Sylvester whimpering) Oh, Cabe, I got it.
Cabe, I got it.
Bring me down.
Great.
What's the bone structure of the wing? Three bones or five? I'm about to look.
(exhales) Five bones in the wing.
And the winner is lesser leaf-nosed bat carrying the Lyssavirus type three! Well done, kid.
Good work, Sly.
You saved his life.
You know, he's actually not that bad.
I mean, he helped me save somebody's life today.
Hey, there, Mr.
Bat.
You're actually kind of cute.
You want to be a part of Team Scorpion? Me and Ferret Bueller (bat hisses, Sylvester screams) The bastard bit me! SYLVESTER: Man down! Man down! Don't worry, Sly.
I'll have rabies serum to you soon enough.
More glowworms.
WALTER (grunting): Must be close to a water source.
Happy, any luck finding a way out? I am looking through satellite images of those mountains in the winter.
Sometimes snow can reveal a sinkhole or hot spring or some other sign of a way out.
Nothing so far.
(groaning) But I'm still working on it.
Did you have more candy? A lot more.
Uh uh hang on there.
(phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Happy.
I'm calling you on your cell phone, so Paige can't hear us on the party line.
How's babysitting? You sounded stressed today.
I'm a little on edge.
Ralph's almost killed himself a few times.
Now he's nauseous.
Normally, it wouldn't bother me, but now I'm worried about every move he makes.
Well, maternal instincts are kicking in.
It's the natural mothering process.
It's like wider hips, crepy skin and your hair falling out.
That is not helping my mania.
See ya.
I was gonna give you this present tonight, but in front of the Airstream, under a tarp, is something I built for you.
Okay, I don't have time for surprises.
There's always time for surprises.
Do I have to look now? Yeah, right after you tell me how to hot-wire a Ranchero.
(grunting) I made it.
I'm through.
I think I found Jody.
WALTER: Oh, great.
Yeah, it's her.
Okay.
Oh, man.
She's not bitten as badly as Bryce, but she's very sick.
Is there water? Yeah, just a stagnant pond that won't lead to an exit.
We have to figure out a way to get Jody out of here.
(grunts loudly) Oh, no.
Oh, no, Paige.
The Fungiblaster.
It broke.
And it's spewing gas.
You mean the incredibly toxic fungicide? The one that kills humans? Yes, and given the confines of this space, we have roughly ten minutes before we see how effective it really is! (grunts) Solid rock.
Solid rock! HAPPY: You climbed down, then curved to the southwest.
That put you closer to the outside walls, but you still have two and a half feet of solid granite between you and blue sky.
Great.
All we have to do is figure out a way out of an impenetrable dead end in a few minutes.
We need to see if she has something we can use.
Like a gigantic backhoe? That'd be useful right now.
Here.
A lighter.
Do you still have the candy that you took from Ralph? Yes.
Okay.
Here.
Great.
Now Paige, we need to scoop up as much guano as we can.
Guano.
Right.
You're We're talking about the Bat feces.
They have a high concentration of nitrates.
Combined with the sugar in the candy, we can make an explosive and hopefully blow through the limestone.
Or kill the three of us.
The more likely scenario, but death is guaranteed if we don't.
Give me the flares.
Oh.
Speaking of death, I think I might be really close.
I've got a 103 fever, minimum.
Toughen up.
You got bit by one bat, and Toby's on the way with the serum.
TOBY: Hey-ho.
This Ranchero's a major beater.
HAPPY: Go to the far side of the mountain-- that's the closest external approximation to Walter, Paige and Jody's location.
We got it! (engine revs) WALTER: Okay.
Now you take Jody behind the boulder.
Lift up for me.
I'm gonna pull you back.
(Jody groans) That's fine.
Okay, light the fuse! WALTER: Heads down! Brace yourselves! Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! How the hell they gonna blow through all that? Brace for debris! Am I hallucinating this? Oh, boy.
Big kaboom! Walter? Paige? (coughing) (chuckles) It worked.
It worked.
Why is it still burning? Years of piled-up guano are on fire.
Here.
Get her up.
Get on the other side of her.
(Jody coughs) (panting) This is how every scary movie ends.
We've opened a portal to hell.
Well damn near normal.
Hey, keep an eye out later, just in case you start to, you know, crave blood.
Funny.
If you do start to turn, I will drive a stake through your heart personally, because we're pals.
You're gonna be fine.
Both of you.
Actually, all three.
I spoke to Bryce.
He's okay, too.
The bats, too.
The sensors we planted are showing wide disbursement of the fungicide.
So the bomb blast must have created an artificial air current permeating every crevice of the cave system.
The granite walls of the last cavern you were in took the brunt of the blast, so the limestone didn't collapse.
So we saved the bats.
Did a lot more than that.
Well, let's hurry up and reunite Jody and Bryce and then get to the airport.
We've got a Halloween party to start.
Ooh, I need a second.
Thanks.
Mr.
Wolfman, go tell Frankenstein Sly as a vampire.
Makes sense.
Happy and Walter are something science-y.
Dark and illuminated matter.
Together, we make up the universe.
Are you are Wait.
Pi squared.
Nailed it.
Scientist.
Bingo.
Doesn't look like any scientist that I've ever seen.
And you are German psychologist.
Discovered the learning curve.
And the spacing effect? The father of Neo-Kantian philosopher Julius Ebbinghaus? Come on, I'm Hermann Ebbinghaus! How could I be so dense? At least we're wearing costumes.
I'm wearing a costume.
Just soak me in; you'll get it.
Sunglasses at night? From the Corey Hart song.
Corey Hart? "Sunglasses at Night.
" It's on oldies radio.
It's not an oldie.
It's from the '80s.
Aw.
You know what year it is? And he looked so sweet TOBY: So? You like my gift? A rocking chair.
Yeah.
It's good for rocking a baby to sleep.
(sighs) Honestly, I was overwhelmed with Ralph.
Worried constantly.
Yeah.
That is a sign of good mothering.
Or mental collapse.
We're gonna make it.
Well, we have to; there's someone very small depending on us.
And we have each other, right? (footsteps approach) Happy, thanks for taking care of me today.
You're gonna be a good mom.
TOBY: Well, you're a natural.
He seems fine.
'Cause he booted.
Kids boot.
It's good for 'em.
PAIGE: Did you tell 'em what I told you to say? Yes.
Good.
Nice boot and rally, kid.
(phone ringing) Oh, hey, hey.
I-I have, uh I have a George Washington costume collecting dust.
After the INS agent comes through, maybe it would make your mom feel all good and Halloweeny if you, me and she went out and PAIGE: Ralph, good news! Tim came home early just to trick-or-treat with us.
He's driving in from the airport.
Wh What'd I interrupt? Walter wants to trick-or-treat with us.
No, Ralph, what I was saying was that I have a costume that maybe you, me and your mom might donate to your-your school's drama department.
So that sounds great.
Sounds odd.
Is that really what you wanted to say? Mm-hmm.
SYLVESTER: Uh, guys? (door closes) Ms.
Linehan.
What what a what a surprise.
Ah.
Happy Halloween to everyone.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart! Look who's here.
So nice to see you again.
You're having a party.
That's fun.
More for the kid, but we all just love Halloween.
Always have.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Candy corn? Candy corn's one of my favorite memories of Halloween.
What about you, Happy? What's your favorite memory of Halloween with your husband? You know um I like dressing up with Walter.
What's fun about that for you as a couple? Yeah um costumes She does it for me.
I-I'm the one who likes to dress up and have these parties.
I'm not a I'm not a trick-or-treater, per Se.
Isn't that right? Yep.
When I was a boy, we would stay in every year, pretend that no one was home and watch It's the Great Charlie Brown.
It's actually The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Loved it.
Anyway, my friends thought that I was crazy for not going out.
But I knew the reason why we stayed in was that my father didn't want me running five houses ahead with my buddies, while I tried to acquire as many double polysaccharide nougat treats as possible.
He wanted me home with him.
He knew that when kids get older, you lose them, so he wanted to spend the time together.
I didn't understand it then, but I I get it now.
So it's a favorite memory.
Father sounds like an interesting guy.
He gets more interesting all the time.
You know, don't mind me.
I'm just gonna look around.
That was Paige's story, reimagined to make her feel warm and fuzzy.
That's very acute of you.
I just needed something to say.
I'm doing this charade for you.
It's not your job to make her feel warm and fuzzy; it's Tim's job.
Well, if I'm guilty of anything, it's plagiarism.
Nothing more.
Dude, you're playing with fire.
You know, I'm not gonna linger.
Clearly, there's a lot of love here.
I mean, proton, electron "Sunglasses at Night.
" Exactly! Clever.
For 1985.
You know, this album is dated 2014 and has a reflection of that monitor over there, of that calendar from 2016.
That's funny.
You know, I took that picture, uh, but I must've put it in the wrong album, 'cause I had four Nutsy Clusters Okay.
and, uh, candy brain.
Oh! LINEHAN: A genius with candy brain.
You know, a suspicious person might think that things in this garage were staged.
Oh, no, absolutely not.
I mean, you're not a suspicious person.
You're-you're a very trusting person.
I can tell.
I'm a genius behaviorist.
I'm not done here.
Happy Halloween.
TOBY: Uh TOBY: Uh, she didn't buy it.
Guys, we are in deep guano.
@elderman