Six Feet Under s03e06 Episode Script

OK, ten o'clock audience, listen up.
Please have your questions ready for Dr Dave on your yellow question card.
You must have your question card filled out before you enter the studio.
Thank you.
What's yours say, Karen? How can I stop feeling competitive with my mother-in-law? I've heard that one before.
Try to make it more specific.
How can I stop feeling competitive with my chain-smoking bitch of a mother-in-law? I do not have any pens.
If you need a pen, please ask someone near you.
- Read yours.
- Oh, OK.
I feel I should be happy because I have everything, but I'm not happy and that makes me feel guilty and then I hate myself.
Aw.
I wanna write, "I love you, Dr Dave.
" Is that crazy? Do you think he'll get mad at me? - Is he married? - Karen asked if he was married.
You live in a hole? Of course he's married.
And he's sensitive and loving with the kids and he wants to make love only when you do and he never ever passes gas.
You're mad! We will be opening the studio in approximately one minute.
- Jesus, it's time.
- Please have your bags ready to be inspected.
- Do you have a Kleenex? - I think I do.
- I might need another Kleenex.
- Don't get it on your suit.
Go through the metal detector.
- We're going.
- The studio is now open.
- The studio's opening.
- It's just been so dry, you know.
And the wind's just Oh, dear.
- Here, keep the pack.
Should I call someone? - Keep moving, people.
You go on.
This will stop.
Save me a seat up close.
- OK.
- Do you want my cellphone? You'll miss the best seats.
Wow.
Ma'am? Are you We got a situation here.
What you got? The coroner said she died from a nose bleed.
That's whacked, losing that much blood through your nose.
Not as uncommon as you might think.
Your dad and I had a couple of these back in the day.
She was probably born with a deviated septum and at some point they fixed it.
Yeah, and they gave her a cute little nose while they were at it.
That could be a nose job.
Sometimes plastic surgery creates this scar tissue which can end up choking a major artery until it just explodes one day.
Jesus, we're all just walking time bombs.
You can pop her in the reefer for now.
My large friend's gonna need both tables till we can casket him.
Hey, that Triple X come in from Appleby yet? - Er no.
- Shit.
Let me know where you'll be in a couple of hours.
It'll take a few of us to move him.
I can't.
I'm going away for a couple of days.
Oh, yeah? Where to? Camping.
Finally.
In Seattle I used to go every other weekend.
There's nothing I love more than getting away with my tent where there's nobody.
- Sounds nice.
- Yeah.
Well, Lisa decided she wanted to come and bring Maya, so we're all going.
Plus some friends of ours and their kid.
You and Vanessa ought to get away.
Yeah, well, every weekend since Vanessa's mom died we're at her house cleaning out her stuff.
- How's Vanessa holding up? - Misses her mom, I guess.
Doesn't talk about it a whole lot.
What's to say, really? Oh, dammit.
Where the hell did my new mousse go? We're gonna have so much fun, baby girl.
The skies aren't smoggy there, so you get to see real stars.
Not the fuzzy invisible LA stars.
And you get to play with Spencer, smell your first campfire.
Shall we bring your baby Deadhead onesie, or is that too obvious? - Hey, honey.
- Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Right.
Listen to this.
- Hikes near Hungry Valley.
Difficult.
- Do we need more than one spatula? Catch the intense scenery from atop Suicide Rock, which received its name when a Native American princess threw herself off it.
- We gotta see this.
- Bring the book just in case.
- Did you check my tent bag for the stakes? - We rented a tent cabin.
I know.
Just in case we wanna sleep out one night.
With Maya? You can't sleep on the hard ground with a baby.
You can.
This is how everyone used to live.
We're in the land of the Chumash.
You think Native Americans had tent cabins? They didn't have clip bars and we're bringing those.
Let's see what Todd and Dana wanna do.
We're sharing a cabin, not doing everything with them.
- If we could afford our own - How does that apply? Never mind.
I'm just glad we finally have couple friends.
- You're shitting me.
- What? Deer Springs Trail starts where we're staying and heads straight to Suicide Rock.
- Let me pack your books.
- Do you mind if I look at them? - Bless you, Arthur.
- Thank you.
Isn't that wonderful? - What's that? - The handkerchief.
Such a lovely custom.
Shame it's fallen by the wayside.
- Oh, darn it all.
- What's wrong? Silent Running was playing over the weekend.
I missed it.
- I don't believe I know Silent Running.
- Phenomenal film.
Science fiction, but overlooked in the genre.
Ah.
It's about a botanist who's marooned on a space freighter.
His only companions are three little robots that look like TV sets.
He names them Huey, Dewey and Louie.
- They play poker with him.
- They sound adorable.
Oh, they are.
Quite lovable indeed.
And yet benign.
Obedient.
Much like television itself.
Perhaps the writer's comment on how technology can be controlled and used effectively for humankind.
Perhaps not.
Starring Bruce Dern.
- With music by Joan Baez.
- I used to love listening to her.
Ah, well, I'll see it another time.
- You need more coffee? - No, I just filled it.
Of course you did.
This is gonna look hot, hot, hot, baby.
I did blue hair in eighth grade.
That was sincere blue hair.
This is a comment on blue hair.
Maybe it was more magenta.
Maybe this is my first blue hair.
- Tinfoil thingy? - Yeah.
You're taking it from the same place as the other side so it's even? If it's too even it looks like you're trying too hard.
If it's haphazard, it's more like "fuck you".
Just not too uneven.
Oh, good.
The "enter without knocking" sign is clearly legible.
I'm only here because Rico said you took some of my brushes without asking.
- Russell, this is my brother David.
- Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry, I'm blue.
I understand.
I work with dangerous chemicals myself.
Claire, we use this brush to spread Velvetone on people's faces.
Sorry.
I should have told you you were using something with dead people on it.
I ain't scared of no dead people.
- Anyway, it's your hair.
- My hair was raised with dead people.
All right, well, we're done.
We got 15 minutes.
Oh.
- This is great.
- Liar.
It sucks.
- It doesn't suck at all.
- First, you're crazy.
It's totally perfect.
Second, all Olivier says is, "Look at Russell's work, people.
"Russell's work is pulsating.
It's making me hard.
" Your teacher says that? Yeah, but it's not like harassment.
It's more like a comment on harassment.
Well, I'm going downstairs.
Nice to meet you, Russell.
When do we rinse? Oh, ass.
I forgot what time we started.
Oh, ass.
- Doesn't smell too bad in here.
- Yeah.
Maybe we can push a couple of beds together.
But Maya might fall through the middle.
Maybe we can push a bed against the wall.
- Just one six-pack? - We won't be drinking the whole time.
Of course not, but Todd likes his beer and I like to have a few.
Sure, but he doesn't drink-drink.
I know, but between him and me we'll go through a six-pack tonight, minimum.
Isn't that the point of sitting round a campfire? - You told me to bring my weed.
- If you have weed, why do you need beer? Maybe because I like to unwind and kick back and forget that I spend my days surrounded by death.
All I really care about is that you don't smoke cigarettes.
Not out here where the air's so pretty.
I already pretend I don't know you smoke at home.
- I appreciate your pretending.
- Not here.
I hate the smell on your clothes.
Heel.
- Hey! - Hey! - How you doing, Spencer? - Hey.
- All right! - Hey.
- Hey.
- How you doing? - How are you? - Good.
- How you doing? - How are you? Help me with the cooler.
We brought a ton of beer.
Sure.
Absolutely.
So which bed do you want? - What's your preference? - One that doesn't have scorpions in it.
I was thinking we could check out Suicide Rock.
What a great fucking hike.
I was up there last winter by myself.
- I don't see it happening this trip.
- Why not? Not with the kids.
- Just you and I can go up.
- Dana wouldn't be into me taking off.
We should go up there another time.
Come on.
We're here now, dude.
I'm sure we can get a couple of hours.
How long you two been married, brother? Come in.
- Please please enter.
- Oh, I don't need to come in.
I wanted to tell you that I was running errands at the mall.
You know, the new mall that's just opened.
A mini-mall but with underground parking.
What do they call those? I pulled in to see what they had done with it and lo and behold they had a video store and I got Silent Running.
'Now, Huey, you're gonna plant a tree.
'Dewey, you're gonna dig the ditch.
'We're gonna do it right here.
'Side of the hill.
' He has to teach them everything.
UU.
It stands for Unitarian Universalist.
But it's about as not religious as a religion can be.
That would be nice.
Not a place that preaches but one where we can be with people like us.
No big God.
No crosses or dripping blood or shit.
Exactly.
Just people getting together.
Anyone wanna catch a buzz? Shall I go get my bullet? - Sure.
- Yeah, go ahead.
All right.
How often does Jesus come up? Pretty rarely, but when he does they remind us that he was black.
Right.
As opposed to the Brad Pitt Jesus America tries to sell us.
Jesus wasn't black.
Yes, he was.
Everyone was black.
No, thanks.
Uh, well, I'm not gonna have any if you're not going to.
- Really? - Yeah.
If you're not gonna have any, I guess I'll pass too.
Great.
Now I'm the only one who's stoned.
'! Doomed '! In his innocence '! In the sun '! Gather your children!' 'Come on, fuck me hard.
Do it.
' I've got to get the dishwasher running.
- Do you have anything? - My glass.
- It's so great to be out of the city.
- I know.
Wouldn't it be cool to have to live off the land? To be a part of nature instead of just looking at it? Not that cool.
I'm getting my "I need my Starbucks" headache.
I guess in the past I dated a lot of crazy girls.
- Needy attention-suckers.
- Yeah.
Artists/writers/psychos.
Always this whole drama thing.
If I say something she might take it the wrong way.
It's like I'm walking through this minefield of her childhood.
There should be a sign.
"Caution, unexploded daddy issues.
" - I've been there.
- But Lisa's different, you know.
All that bullshit fairy-tale stuff isn't real anyway.
Working through it, wanting to.
It's probably the first adult relationship of my life.
Ours is more like we can't keep our hands off each other.
She just loves to bang.
Sometimes I feel, when we're having sex, he secretly hates me.
That's not possible.
Not conscious, not like he knows it on any level.
I know it's stupid but I really feel like that sometimes.
It is stupid, because you're a beautiful woman and the mother of his child, so why would he hate you? I know it's crazy, but sometimes it's like there's this unspoken thing between us.
- Unspoken what? - I don't know.
Yeah, I'm the mother of his child so he has to Madonna-fy me.
Maybe I'm just mad at the whole world because my orgasm thing is screwed up.
- Since you had Maya.
- You've heard of this? Something is different.
It freaks me out.
It took me a couple of months to be able to come after Spencer was born.
I can come, but only half the time and half as intense.
- Could childbirth have reorganised me? - I've heard that.
But I'm sure it'll get better.
Do you just say, "It's not happening tonight so you're on break, hon"? No.
- Please don't tell me that you fake it.
- Of course not.
OK, maybe I do exaggerate here and there.
Realising everything has happened in my life so I could be ready for this.
Mm-hm.
It's like your heart is outside your body.
You see it for the first time.
And knowing that all of it it's always been about her.
Yes.
God, yes.
I feel the exact same way about Maya.
No, I was talking about Dana.
Right.
I don't know.
Our thing, it's incredibly hot still.
He's got the dirtiest mouth.
I love it.
Like what? The dirty talk, what does he say? - Children in the vicinity.
- So whisper.
Just tell me one.
They sound so stupid out of context.
OK, like, "Oh, baby, I wanna come on your tits.
" See, it sounds so stupid.
Oh, my God! There's a snake.
Come on.
- Don't make any noise.
And don't move.
.
- It's OK.
Nate.
What did you do that for? - Is it dead? - It's way past dead.
- Poor little guy.
- That's not cool, man.
- It's not poison.
It's a gopher snake.
- I don't care what fucking snake it is.
Oh, fuck! Goddamn! Don't any of you fuckers wanna go for a fucking hike? Come on! Agh! Mediocre.
Redundant.
Terrible.
Blah, blah, blah.
Hm.
Elephant art.
Does anyone know what elephant art is? A term the Fluxists invented.
My dad was a Fluxist.
Does anyone know what a Fluxist is? Fuck that.
Why doesn't anyone know what elephant art is? Who are you people? Don't you guys read? This is elephant art.
My head is on backwards.
I feel like my head is on backwards.
Yes, we get it.
Termite art.
Look at me, Claire.
Tiny, beautiful termite art.
Termites work secretly at night, but they can tear down a house as fast as an elephant can.
But they don't stop.
They infest.
Good job.
- Like that? - Exactly.
Light touch.
You don't wanna go all Joan Crawford on him.
No, I certainly don't.
Hello! Arthur! - Is it OK if I return this? - Don't keep it for me.
Good.
Well, I'll take it back, then.
Nothing else you'd like me to pick up while I'm there? - Not that I can think of.
- OK, then.
There's leftover blintzes in the fridge if you get hungry.
Either of you.
Thank you.
Don't think just because you're living here you have to do things with the Munsters.
- I don't think that.
- I mean, take a load off, Arthur.
OK, Biggie Smalls' viewing is tomorrow morning.
- Ever worked with the Triple X casket? - Not quite this size.
This is what we call Advanced Casketing Techniques 101.
The viewing is tomorrow but we're gonna lay him out upstairs tonight because you don't wanna worry about it the morning of.
- I thought it was great.
- It's not the point.
Everybody makes crap sometimes, but what's with the big need to humiliate me? I don't know.
I don't do well at this kind of thing.
I don't need somebody telling me that I suck.
Particularly in front of people who suck way worse than I do.
Did you see that whatshername Levine's stupid fucking mermaid? How can you grow as an artist if you don't have the freedom to fail now and then? - I've failed.
- He likes yours.
- Really? It wasn't that clear to me.
- Fuck it.
What difference does it make? The world's gonna be blown to smithereens any day now.
We just kissed.
We just kissed again.
Nate, go hike.
- Don't you wanna come with? - I have my magazines.
You sure? - Go.
- All right.
I'll only be an hour or two-ish.
OK, I just wanna make sure you're not saying go ahead and hike and what you mean is stay here and help me with the baby.
Now's the perfect time.
I have my magazines, Maya's mellow.
- Go.
- All right.
Thanks, honey.
See you later, OK? Oh, my God! No fucking way! What in the world are you doing up here? We're on a camping trip.
We're at the end of the trail.
What are you doing here? I'm at a B&B in Hungry Valley with some friends.
They're right behind me.
I don't believe this.
It's like fate.
How are you doing? At this moment, not great, to be perfectly honest.
- I think it's really weird that you're up here.
- I am hiking with my friends.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Friends? What are their names? - Frank and Douglas.
- You think I can't tell when you're lying? - Whoa.
What's with the paranoia? - What, are you high? - Are you stalking me now? - Don't flatter yourself.
- You're stalking me! You followed me and my family up here.
What the fuck do you want, you crazy fucking bitch? Oh, yeah, I'm crazy.
Whoo! Crazy, scary, crazy, psycho, right? Tell me the fucking truth! - I needed to talk to you.
- We already talked.
Claire said you were up in Kern County, so I came up here Were you watching me when we were camping? - No, nothing like that.
- Dammit, stop bullshitting me! Nate, I miss you.
So much.
- Don't you miss me? - No, I do not.
Yes, you do, you do.
You think about me.
No, this is not gonna happen.
All right? Just kiss me.
Just kiss me once.
Just once, baby, and then we're done.
Oh, I remember that feeling.
Flowing into each other like water.
- Look, I can't.
- I can't live without you.
I won't.
You're gonna have to.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
Brenda! I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this to you.
That was my first time.
Shut up! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I did that to you? Well, the first time.
So technically that was your first and second time? Uh-huh.
- That's impressive.
- Yeah? I would have thought it was your fifth or sixth time.
I feel really safe with you, Claire.
You are really safe with me.
What the fuck was that? - Goodness! - Rico's gonna have my behind.
Claire? Claire? Claire? - What? - I'm sorry.
I can see you're entertaining.
I wouldn't ask if this weren't a genuine crisis.
David's not here, Nate's camping.
I'm gonna need your help.
Would you mind asking your friend, please? Stay here.
Claire, please.
Go get your friend right now.
Ruth, wait right here.
I'll be right back.
You have a friend in the house? The boy with the tattoo? Another one.
Oh.
I'm not bringing him down here.
Russell, you really don't need to be here.
- Yes, he does.
- It's OK.
I'm cool.
- Hello, Mrs Fisher.
- How nice to see you again, Russell.
Dead weight is the hardest weight to move.
I'll need everyone's strength.
Tell me what to do.
We don't have much time.
His facial cartilage is collapsing.
Our first concern is rolling our friend onto the board.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Well done.
He doesn't look too bad.
Now, I want you to position yourself at a corner.
- Is this corner OK? - Yeah.
Lift the board onto the gurney so I can get it downstairs.
On the count of three, give it everything.
Everything.
Lift with your legs.
One, two, three.
Lift.
- I guess that didn't work - Oh, God.
OK.
I'm starting to get a little freaked out now.
Just a little.
Claire, I'm sorry I raised you around so much death and that your friend had to see this.
The cranial-facial work is tricky, but I'll do what I can before you arrive.
Of course I'll wait for your assistance before I hoist.
I think that's a good idea.
And again, Federico, I am so sorry about what happened.
No, it couldn't have happened to anyone.
I shouldn't have let it happen on my watch.
I'm sorry.
OK.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Well, I think I'm going up to make some hot cocoa.
Would you like to join me for a cup? Thank you, but this requires my immediate attention.
I suspect I'll be pulling an all-nighter.
I can bring it down to you.
Chocolate makes me queasy.
OK.
- Tea? - No, really.
Nothing.
Spencer will sleep for an hour.
If she wakes, give her Thomas the Tank Engine.
If you guys wanna take a private nature hike later, we'll watch Maya.
- It's only fair.
- Fair's fair.
- Have fun.
- Thanks.
I hate couples like that.
Letting you know how great their sex life is.
Yeah.
I think they doth protest a little too much.
Like sex is everything.
Sex is everything.
She's always talking about it like it's the glue.
But what if someone gets throat cancer or diarrhoea and you see the real person? Then you have to be able to help them into their electronic car or make their vitamin drink and still love them even though no one feels sexy.
- Yeah, it's so much more than just - "Todd and I have the greatest sex.
"I just love it when he comes on my tits.
" She said that? OK, I'm ready.
- Knotted up back here.
- Mm-hm.
Yes.
Oh, so now you're both going through your blue period? Don't get mad at me, Fisher.
If Russell has something to say to me, he can say it.
- How's my pressure? - Go deeper.
- Why has he turned into such an asshole? - Just ignore him.
You ignore him too.
It's just hair.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
Fuck elephant, termite, whatever.
I already forgot who was which.
- What's the point of humiliating people? - I was the elephant.
- Why do you even give a shit? - You're my teacher and I respect you.
Don't you fucking respect me.
I'm an idiot.
I'm not God.
Don't ever respect anyone except your fucking self.
Fucking babies.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hello, dear.
I washed your sheets.
- What's that? - Arthur's handkerchief.
- You're doing his laundry? - It must have gotten mixed into my things.
- That's gross.
- It's just a hanky.
I know, and hankies are gross.
- First of all, the word is gross.
Hanky.
- It's just a word.
Hankies are gross.
A snot-covered rag that sits in your pocket all day.
- That will be fine.
- The snot could be anywhere.
You put it back and save it for later.
Mom, not all progress is bad.
There's Kleenex.
Hello.
I know.
Tonight you're just trying to be cute.
Forgive me.
Hot.
Yes.
Of course I do.
More so now than ever.
Mom's vacuuming my room.
I gotta go.
OK.
Shut up.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Stop.
I'm hanging up.
Goodbye.
- You and Phil back together? - Phil? No.
Russell.
The gay one? - What? - The guy in your room the other day? - What makes you think he's gay? - Oh, we can smell it on each other.
- David.
- Let's see.
You told me he was.
You referred to him as "my gay friend Russell".
- Oh.
- He's not any more? No, he never was.
I was just confused.
Claire, listen.
When I was in high school, I dated girls.
- We're in college.
- And when I was in college.
And after college.
I didn't know what I was, and while I was trying to figure it out I went back and forth You don't get it.
There's no back and forth with Russell.
He's never been gay.
I was just assuming.
He's never been gay.
He's never had sex with anyone before me.
OK.
My mistake.
I can't even make a phone call in this house because I don't get cell reception anywhere, my mother's in my fucking room At what age did you completely stop sleeping with women? I know when you first slept with that boy, but did you overlap after that? Yeah.
There were ten years when I wasn't sure.
Or I was sure but didn't want to be.
I was with some women pretty seriously.
- What, Jennifer? - Yeah.
I was with a ton of women.
I liked fucking women.
Yeah, I know.
You've told me.
What I mean was I did this whole emotional deal with girls women.
Like "Honey, I could really think about spending the rest of my life with you.
"I don't know, buy some land in Northern California and build a house, "design it ourselves.
"What about Willem for a boy and Coco for a girl? "Willem and Max if we have twin boys, "or if we have twin girls, Coco and Clementine.
" Are you sure they didn't know you were gay? They didn't suspect.
They thought I was their man.
They'd look right back into my eyes.
All the while I was just trying that guy on to see if I could make it fit.
'Oh, yeah! Right there, right there.
' - She's down.
- Great.
You guys wanna take your turn? - We're leaving today.
- We should pack.
- You can pack later.
Go take the hour.
- Go on.
- If she wakes up - She'll be fine.
Go.
- You guys have fun.
- Are you set? She can't come, you know.
- Really? - Really.
- Pretty.
- Yeah.
Do you want to Not really.
I'd be afraid to take my clothes off.
Something could crawl on me.
We're not really Todd and Dana, are we? What's that supposed to mean? I was just acknowledging that the reasons we're together aren't the same as Say it.
- What? There's nothing to say.
- Say it, Nate.
Why are you even with me? What are you even here for? - On this trip? What? - Why did you marry me? You think Maya and I need you? You don't want this.
You want your daughter but you don't want me.
I can't say anything! Not hurtful things, and it's hurtful to suggest we're together because of Maya.
I am not trying to hurt you.
That was me thinking something.
You know how friends do? But that would mean you'd have to like me.
- That's stupid.
- No, it's not.
Think about it.
When I say something that doesn't fit into your fairy tale This is no fairy tale.
That I know.
- You made up a story, cast me in this role.
- You cast yourself.
Making the mother of my child happy is a role? I don't think so.
But you have this narrow path I can walk on where I'm on your fucking leash.
No smoking, two beers a night, no pot without prior written approval.
- Smoke your lungs out.
- I don't give a shit about smoking.
I give a shit about being myself.
About saying what I need to say and not having you fucking freak out on me.
I'm sorry, then.
Fuck.
I'm sorry.
Kiss me.
- What? No.
- Honey, I wanna get better at this.
Help me, OK? Take your jeans off.
- Take them off.
- Here? Yeah.
Lie down on that rock.
That rock is hard and cold.
Lay down on that.
Close your eyes.
I wanna fuck you on this rock.
But first I'm gonna make you scream so that everybody back at camp can hear you.
And then when you're exhausted and you're laying here coming down, I'm gonna fuck you right here on this rock.
There were a couple of times back in Seattle when we had sex like that.
When you came home from a party at that costume designer's house who worked for Seattle Rep.
What was her name? - Tessa.
- Right.
She'd just broken it off with you and you were so drunk and pissed and you came home and we ended up having the most amazing sex I'd ever had in my life.
The other time was the night after you ran the marathon the first time.
Yeah.
And that girl you met from Portland was supposed to come over and celebrate.
But she never showed up.
Lise, it's all behind us.
I know.
I'm It's nice now.
That it's just us.
I love you, Nate.
God, I've loved you for such a long time.
I love you too, honey.
! Come and find me now ! I keep you in a flower vase ! Your fatalism and your crooked face ! With the daisies and the violet brocades ! And I keep me in a vacant lot In the ivies, forget-me-nots ! Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days ! Come and find me now!