Speechless (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

1 Your suffering's over now.
[TELEVISION PLAYING IN BACKGROUND.]
Mine's just about to begin.
Say something! It's happening! The most heralded of DiMeo holiday traditions.
Ha ha! Macy's parade? Football? No, Mom trying to get out of doing Thanksgiving.
Okay, don't let her win, but she works hard.
Let's give her some false hope.
First The fun alternative.
Hey, guys! Crazy idea for Thanksgiving Disneyland.
Right? Right? Give thanks for short lines on "Pirates.
" Aww, but my class just went.
What? Well, that's it.
No more school for you.
[QUIETLY.]
Now the moral high ground.
Are we sure that we want to celebrate this holiday at all? Because the historical implications are I'd posit the roots of the tradition go back to the harvest festivals of the Babylonian celebrations of the Great Mother.
Oh, would you posit that? Would you? Vaguely worded emotional instability.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
You guys, I'm just I'm going through some stuff right now.
Chinese buffet.
What if we went to the Chinese buffet? Fun.
JJ, what do you think? "It is my favorite holiday.
You know, I am going to college next year.
Will I have a tradition to come home for?" You suck.
"You know, the Italians have a saying, 'A tavola, non s'invecchia.
' At the table" I said I'd bloody do it, Kenneth! Shut it! I just don't get the premise of the holiday.
What happened between the pilgrims and the Indians was t It's over, Mom.
Take the "L.
" Mom, Dad, I'm ready.
Cool.
For what, you might ask? To get back with Taylor.
I've been waiting for a sign that I'd matured enough, and this morning, I awoke with a chest hair.
What do you think, little buddy? He winked.
It's on.
I don't know, guys.
We dropped him a couple times.
Maybe that's it.
DYLAN: Hey, Mom.
Uncle Billy just pulled up.
- [HORN HONKING.]
- It looks so nice in there.
Would you mind if I joined you? And none of that.
Every year, I look for the worst in Billy - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- and I find it.
This year, I'm looking for the good.
I mean, we We used to have fun when we were young.
We can have fun again.
You're not getting divorced.
Stop being dramatic and go answer the door.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DOORBELL RINGING RAPIDLY.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
- Hey! - [LAUGHS.]
Billy, good to see you.
- Yeah.
- You look great.
Don't I? Yeah, the chick I'm dating just got me to go vegan.
I mean, you guys can eat meat if you have to, I guess, but can you have Crabby Spice whip me up something cruelty-free? So, you're seeing someone! Is it the lawyer you told me about? Yeah, kinda.
It's her daughter.
You know, like, [HIGH-PITCHED.]
"You should meet my kid.
She's great.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Well, I'll tell you what Granny wasn't lying.
- Mm.
- [LAUGHS.]
You get it.
I'm young! I shouldn't be dating someone old enough to take heart medicine.
Oh, that reminds me.
I-I gotta take my heart medicine.
Hey, hon! I found that thing I said was gonna be fun! It's not! Hey! Happy Thanksgiving, DiMeos! Who's this JJ's new guy? What happened to the good-looking one from last year? Nice to meet you.
[CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
JJ! Medicine time! Oh, come on! You don't have to do that.
You're a guest today.
Nah, Jimmy.
I got this.
Hey.
Hey, what's the new guy doing with my heart pills? - Okay, grab JJ's bag.
- Got it.
You bring the pills.
- Got 'em.
- Come on.
Hurry up.
I'm sorry.
I-I wasn't paying attention.
Not making it better, new guy.
Let's go.
Go.
You're gonna be fine, but we'll need to keep him overnight for observation.
We're gonna get him a room.
Okay, thank you.
"Another JJ hospital visit ruins everything.
" What has a hospital visit ever ruined? "Vacations, graduations, Dad's perfect bowling game.
" Oh, come on.
He rolled one strike.
The alley was playing all of Tom Petty's "Full Moon Fever.
" I was not going to miss.
Dude, you're killing me.
Nothing's ruined.
What's more, I'm gonna figure out a way of making this the best Thanksgiving ever.
Who's with me? Really all depends on the plan.
Well, I don't have it yet, but just imagine it's great.
Huh.
Sounds pretty good.
- Yeah, not bad.
- That should work.
There you go.
How hard was that? Hey.
They're gonna keep him for observation, but he's fine.
Jimmy, I-I can't believe this happened.
I-If there's anything Anything I can do Yeah, you can make out somewhere that isn't blocking the dang game.
Hey, Billy.
Comfortable? God, no.
I hate hospitals.
Aww, see, lucky for us, we have a kid with disabilities since we love hospitals.
Hey.
The kid's gonna be okay, right? - Well - Oh! That's not roughing the passer! Come on! Hey, you want to help? Deal with him.
I can't handle the "Billy Show" today.
Uh Oh-ho.
Mm Mm Rrrrr.
How many more sounds you got in you? [CLICKING TONGUE.]
Rrrr The "Rrrrs" have it! You're taking care of my brother.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay, and what have we got here? That could be an okay tablecloth.
The funnel sort of looks like a cornucopia.
How's the glove turkey coming? Do you really think that looks like a turkey? I think it looks like a son trying his best.
- [WHEELS RATTLING.]
- Oh, wait! Stop, stop! What is that? Where is that going? I'm really not supposed to say.
You must be new here.
This is Mom.
You're about to tell her everything.
Great news.
I've saved Thanksgiving.
I thought I knew every corner of this hospital, but I've just learned of this magical place where anything is possible The celebrity suite! I've heard the stories.
They're real? Picture this Satin sheets, ocean views, butler on call.
I mean, I don't know if it has that, but if it's good enough for Guy Fieri, it is good enough for you lot.
"Sounds amazing.
You got it?" I did! I just got to go and tell the hospital.
Oh, come on! It'll be easy.
Who else are they gonna give it to? What other special-needs supermom could possibly be here? [GASPS.]
Melanie Hertzal.
L-O "Logan.
" JIMMY: Some rando I'm staring at because having an enemy seems fun.
Well, so long, DiMeos.
I've got to go save Thanksgiving.
Oh, don't tell me you're trying to get the celebrity suite.
Oh, I already got it.
I just have to go tell the hospital.
[BELL DINGS.]
You brought that? - You didn't? Rookie.
- NURSE STEWART: Coming.
Oh, please be someone who loves me.
Be someone who loves me.
Mrs.
DiMeo! Silly.
They all love me.
- And Melanie! - Hi.
First-name basis? Easy, much? Stewart, sweetie, I have a little favor.
Me first.
I want the VIP suite.
Oh [CLICKING TONGUE.]
Uh-huh.
This boy's good.
Yeah.
"Great.
Now we have to listen to your dumb zingers all day.
" What's going on? "Complications from tonsillectomy.
" He can't talk.
He has to listen to ou dumb zingers all day.
"Finally, something to be thankful for.
" Dad, this is great.
If Logan's here, Taylor's got to be here.
I can finally get her back.
It's meant to be! Mm, hang on.
Riding a horse? I uh A rowboat? - Oarsman? - Skiing.
- Yes.
- Uh a monkey skiing! Kissy face? Boyfriend.
- Taylor is - BOTH: On a ski trip with her boyfriend! - Yes! - Nice.
Oh, hey, uh I'm sorry.
Neither of you is getting the room.
There's a guy ahead of you.
So, you're saying that if we could somehow get rid of this person - I'm not saving that.
- Let her finish.
that one of us would then get the room? Should we bump this guy off? Well, he's here, and he's sick already.
I meant off the list, but that works.
Eh, you know what? I usually work alone.
Well, so do I, but desperate times Okay, we work together, get Famous Anus out of the room, and then we flip for it.
Just please don't kill the guy on my shift.
Get ready to witness a Thanksgiving miracle.
I'm gonna get you that room.
Hey! I found out who's in the suite.
He's a big donor.
A hypochondriac.
There's actually nothing wrong with him.
He just enjoys the attention and the massage bed.
- Massage chair.
- If I meant "chair," I would've said "chair" "bed.
" Well, I'll get to him.
I have this whole place wired.
The nurses love me, the doctors fear me, and I buttered up the weird morgue attendant because I wanted toe tags for my luggage.
Well, I've got all the heating and A/C guys, and I'm tight with the alarm tech 'cause Logan's a fire alarm-puller.
Stop! Security lets me play with their guns, and I've got all the gossip on the desk-jockeys, and they hate BOTH: Being called desk-jockeys.
- Mm.
- Hey.
Ohh, hey, thanks for tagging along.
Shopping's a lot more fun when you got a backboard.
Ah! Can't miss.
What say we wrap this up? Hey, what's the rule with vegan stuff? Huh? It doesn't count if you don't chew it? Right? Oh! [GULPS.]
You want anything? I want to unsee you doing that.
Hey, come on, man.
Meat's got me in a good mood.
Let Uncle Billy treat you.
Hey, hey! [QUIETLY.]
I'm a dentist.
I can write you a script.
Oh! [WHISPERING.]
I have a fun idea.
You're crazy.
What? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ah! Sounds like you're in pain, huh? Yeah.
Same.
Actually, not same, because my pain is emotional, and there's no medicine for that.
What are you doing here? You having a baby? Honestly, I thought I would with Taylor, but she had other plans.
After all the work I put in to become a better man for her.
Pfft! There's 10 pushups a day I'd like to have back.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I'll leave you alone.
You seem like you're ready to drop.
Oh, no.
Stay.
I'm here alone, and your story is helping.
- Really? - Yeah, it's so boring.
It's calming me down.
Keep going.
So, Taylor and I dated for 10 months 10 1/2.
We dated a little bit before we became official-official.
Let's just say 10 1/2, but if you put my hand on a Bible, I might say 10.
Were you friends first? Yes and no? That's perfect.
MAYA: Our mission Get the hypochondriac out of the hospital.
While I distract Morgue Manny, who's desperate to please me - Would you mind? - Sliding you in a drawer so you can feel like a dead person? Sure.
MELANIE: I get what we need from the closet.
We'll need a badge to get upstairs.
Luckily, on Thanksgiving, people are working doubles, and somebody's going to be taking a nap.
I don't see why I have to be the one under the cart.
There's so many people who know you.
I mean, you are just so beloved.
- [CRASH.]
- Ow! Well, that was unavoidable.
Nurse Michele's got a weak stomach, but she's from Buffalo and has never met a wing she didn't have to weigh in on.
[MOUTH FULL.]
Yeah, these are no good.
Excuse me.
Shall we? Borrowed this from my buddy in HVAC.
Which leads us to the most delicate step of all.
- Go, go, go! - Get out! - [DEVICE BEEPING.]
- The hospital is infested! - With what? - DiMeo-Hertzal Disease! The readings are off the chart! [QUIETLY.]
Bloody hell.
This place is fantastic.
Aah! It's in my suit! It's in my suit! Aah!! Get it off me! Get it off! Don't worry.
It preys on relaxed muscles.
As long as you don't massage I've had six! Have a very happy Thanksgiving! Ha ha! Oh Sauce! You had a wing.
What? "There's an extra board from a few years ago in my bag.
Too bad I enjoy your misery.
" [SIGHS.]
"Fine.
" There you go.
[AS BORAT.]
"I like.
" - [NORMAL VOICE.]
Cool! The Borat board! - Not the Borat board.
So good.
Well, I should go check on Kenneth.
No man should have to endure my brother Billy alone for that long.
It's not [AS BORAT.]
very nice! We'd finally moved on, Jimmy.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Thank you for giving me a voice.
" "This board sucks.
Your dad's Borat sucks.
You suck.
" I wrote her a song.
It was really good.
Kind of a, uh, "Paul Simon meets Nickelback" vibe.
- Huh.
- They're ready for you.
- Come with me.
- Oh, no.
I-I need Ray.
- Sorry, only family.
- Please? - Ray, sing the song.
- Uh You're the unforgettable pain You're the sweetest kind of rain - Really? - And my brain goes insane All right, come on.
When the Taylor train Rolls through my mainframe [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Feels funny.
I thought this was just for teeth.
Oh, no.
I'll let you in on a little dentist secret.
[QUIETLY.]
It works everywhere! - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Novocaine fight! Ah! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Guys? Are you playing? Yeah! This guy is great.
I am digging the "Billy Show.
" You guys are in the middle of a hospital playing with drugs? I want in.
Yeah! No, no.
We're good.
You do your thing.
Kenneth, give the man a thumbs up.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't.
He can't do it! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, I'm gonna go see how far I can get.
I did my legs, too.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Aww, Jimmy, what's wrong? You're having fun.
You're getting Good Billy.
I never get Good Billy.
Jimmy, buddy.
Put my arm on you.
[SIGHS.]
Just enjoy.
Well, we did it.
Thanksgiving is saved.
I guess all that's left is to flip for the room.
- I don't have a coin.
- Nor do I.
Hang on.
Call it in midair.
"Chiwetel" or "Theft of this badge is a felony.
" Wait.
What if we didn't flip for it? What if we just went up there and ate dinner all together? Oh, I don't know.
O-Our boys really don't get along.
Wouldn't this be an appropriate day to just put all that aside and break bread? Yeah.
I'll talk to JJ.
Did we just become friends? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
God, I hope not.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, Mary, one last push.
- [GRUNTING.]
And that's why this world has nothing for me.
Love is dead.
- I'm not being dramatic when I say - [BABY CRYING.]
- life has no meaning.
- [BABY CRYING.]
Say hello.
Your name shall be Hope, for that is what you have given me.
And I will never let you go.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
I know you don't like Logan, but I'm always fighting for you alone, and we shared this fight.
I really think that we should share the reward.
"Don't trust these people.
I trusted Logan for a second, and he insulted Dad's Borat.
" But Dad's Borat is fantastic.
"The room is empty.
Did she really just take Logan to the bathroom or are they taking it right now?" Whose idea was this truce? Melanie Hertzal's.
MELANIE: Open the door this instant! [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Who is it? Oh.
Hi, Ray.
[SOFTLY.]
He just woke up.
I just wanted to come say hi to my little fighter.
Well, that's nice of you.
He looks hungry.
Shall I give him some doughnut? Oh, I should nurse him and give him some skin-to-skin contact.
That's really important for a newborn.
I just feel so grateful for him.
And I want him to have the life that I never got to have.
Aren't you like 12? You'll be fine, Ray.
I promise.
If you'd like to hold him before you go, that's okay.
Oh, I I think it's working.
[BABY COOS.]
- Out.
- Hey, no need to push.
[DOOR LOCKS.]
What happened?! Do you have any idea what I had to do to get those Buffalo wings?! You were gonna do the same thing.
I just did it first.
Oh, you're wrong, Maya.
I wasn't gonna screw you over, but I am now.
H-How's that massage bed? Not a bed! It is a chair that reclines fully! It's r-r-r-r-really nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jimmy, wait up.
Jimmy-y-y-y! I am sorry I didn't hate your brother.
And I hope by phrasing it that way, you realize you're the one that's being weird.
It's not your fault.
I just haven't enjoyed Billy in forever.
Why can't I get along with him like I used to? I mean, you can.
Well, it's easy for me.
He doesn't know me.
You guys were close, huh? What kind of stuff would you do? Oh, we'd bust on the Bigelow twins, torture the babysitter.
We were the worst.
Well, see, that's the problem.
You're adults now.
You need to connect over adult stuff.
Go deeper.
I can help.
[MAN SPEAKING ON P.
A.
.]
Oh.
No, you don't have to.
I see what you're trying to Totally worth it.
[EXHALES.]
Are you supposed to be able to see your breath in hospitals? She's got the A/C guy in her pocket.
[ALARM BLARING.]
Oh! And the alarm guy! Thanksgiving in the bathroom! Come on.
Next year Chinese buffet.
[SOFTLY.]
Today, I'm gonna help you two find a grownup connection.
[SOFTLY.]
Okay.
Do we have to do it with soft, weird voices like this? Billy, Kenneth's right.
We've never really talked about [SIGHS.]
well, talked.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'll start.
Um, I'm Kenneth, and Kenneth sometimes feels alone.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm Billy, and, um, sometimes Kenneth tells his problems to strangers.
- [STIFLED LAUGH.]
- Okay, that's not how this is really I'm Jimmy, and, uh, sometimes Kenneth starts an exercise that backfires on him.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Wait, you, too? - I'm Kenneth - No, no, you're Billy.
and I bet you I throw a football worse than the Bigelow twins.
Ha ha! I think this is working! Y-You're supposed to go deep.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
[DEEP VOICE.]
I bet you I throw a football worse than the Bigelow twins.
That was totally it! [BOTH LAUGH.]
You guys deserve each other.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Aww, come on! JIMMY: Hey, buddy.
What's, uh, going on? I helped deliver a baby today, held it in my arms, fell in love, and then the mother banished me from his life forever.
Th-That happened today? You got a big heart, Ray.
No one's, like, looking for you, right? A huge heart.
And you let people in.
That's not the way for all the DiMeo men.
The heartache's gonna go away, but don't lose that.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Ooh, I'm Jimmy, and I have heart-to-hearts with my son! I had that coming.
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- Dinner's ready! Should we go around and say what we're thankful for? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- MELANIE: Cold enough? I'm just warming up.
What more can you do?! [SWITCH CLICKS, BLARING CONTINUES.]
Okay, now what more?! Maybe we should just give up the room.
I wanted to save the day, so I fought for it.
But I don't know that she was gonna take the room.
Well, of course I was! It's what we do.
Well, maybe we shouldn't.
If families across America can get on with people they loathe for one day a year, then, you know, I think we can.
You're right.
[SWITCH CLICKS, BLARING CONTINUES.]
It's gonna take me a while to turn off the alarm.
Bugger.
[BING CROSBY'S "I'VE GOT PLENTY TO BE THANKFUL FOR" PLAYS.]
[AS BORAT.]
My wife! I've got plenty to be thankful for I haven't got a great big yacht To sail from shore to shore Still, I've got plenty to be thankful for [SIZZLING.]
Oh, I've got plenty They need to be out in five minutes.
James Van Der Beek sprained his toe.
You tell 'em.
[BABIES CRYING.]
JIMMY: Time to say goodbye.
It's the only way you're gonna get closure.
Hi, my little guy.
Thank you so much for showing me I can love again.
I'll never forget your little fingers and cute, little toes.
I can't! You'll never understand the connection I have with this child.
MARY: Ray? [BABY CRYING.]
Have a nice life, kid.