Staged (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

Improvise your way out of this.
And we're live.
What the fuck do we do now?
Panic. Do you remember the story?
I mean, a bit. What about improvisation?
Improvisation?
- You remember the rules?
- The rules to improvisation?
You said so in episode one!
I don't remember what
I said in episode one!
Why don't you learn your lines?
I just fucking post-it
notes around the screen!
- Can they still hear us?
- Oh, fuck
Go back, go back, go back, go back.
Merry Christmas. Merry
Christmas, everyone.
I'm David Tennant.
Michael Sheen is my name.
Um
If we can just crave your indulgence
while we shut the cameras off
- Yeah, we'll be right back with you.
- just for a few minutes.
That's it. Cameras are off.
So we've gone dark,
ladies and gentlemen.
But bear with us, having a
couple of technical issues,
all part of the live experience.
There might be a few drop
lines and a few missed cues,
but we'll we'll be OK.
And it's live! It's Christmas
Eve. What do you expect?
It's fun times.
So we'll get the gremlins
sorted out at this end.
No, don't lea
Um
As you heard my colleague just saying,
well, this is something new.
And of course, new things
can be a little scary.
But but we are very lucky
to have theatrical royalty
waiting in the wings
and gargling as we speak
and warming up and
We also have a powerhouse
of a true Christmas classic
to delight and entertain you.
And, of course, Mr David
Tennant, Mr Television himself,
and I,
are consummate professionals.
News just in, Michael. Yes.
We thought we had cut the
cameras, but of course
the livestream is still running,
and you you've been watching
us all this time, so hello.
Hello, everyone.
All part of the live
experience. Exactly.
So without further ado
the Staged team are pleased
to present a live experience.
It's A Christmas Carol.
Live!
Ebenezer Scrooge was
a jolly old gentleman.
Welcome to Marley and Scrooge.
- Ben?
- Uh That's right.
Ben Marley. Ben Marley.
Son of Jacob Marley.
- That's correct.
- Ben?
Marley. Ben Marley.
See, my dad started this
whole thing with the old,
"Humbug till you unplug
Ebenezer Scrooge."
- Why are you here?
- Did Georgia send you?
Georgia Cratchit.
Georgia Cratchit did
send me. That's right.
Why would Georgia send him?
Because he knows how to improvise.
I could help you with the rules, boys.
The rules of what?
Jacob Marley was an
accountant, wasn't he?
Yes. Jac Yes. Jacob, my dad. Yes.
Jacob Marley was an accountant.
I would love to teach you
the rules of accountancy.
Now, the first rule, my
friends, never say no.
Well, that sounds like a
terrible rule for accountants.
If there's a knock on
the door, we let them in.
- Always?
- Always.
You never say no. You
say, "Yes, and "
- Yes, and.
- Yes, and
Well, that wouldn't
be the whole sentence.
Yes, and then you add more information.
We'll talk about it later.
Rule number two, accidents are welcome.
Well, now we're straying
into the world of insurance,
not accountancy.
Well, maybe Ben Marley is in insurance.
I am in insurance.
I am in insurance. My
dad's an accountant.
I'm in insurance. Watch out.
We'll get you in the end.
You know what I mean?
Rule number three is you
don't always have to be funny.
Just try to make your
scene partner look good
and you shall look good as well.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Got it. We're good.
Everybody's on the same page.
Shall we give it a go?
- Oh, yeah.
- OK.
Knock, knock.
- Go away.
- Wrong immediately.
- I'm so confused.
- Never say no. Never say no.
That's right. And if there's
a knock on the door
- You let them in.
- we let them in.
Are we all on the
same page? A quick nod.
Just so I know, we're
all on the same page?
- Yeah.
- Fantastic. Here it comes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hello? Oh, hello. I'm
a lonely carol singer.
It's a lonely carol singer.
Hello, hello, lonely carol singer.
Oh! Hello, Mr Scrooge.
Am Am I Scrooge?
- Go for it. Yeah.
- Well, I don't want to be Scrooge.
- Well, I mean
- Mr Scrooge. Mr Scrooge.
Hello. In a minute, lonely carol singer.
- Why can't you be Scrooge?
- I'm Bob Cratchit!
Hey, hey, Bob Cratchit. Good to see you.
Hello, lonely carol singer.
You know, I used to have a
whole group, but now I'm lonely.
How about you, Cratchit?
Oh, warm in me cockles, so youse are.
I want to be Bob Cratchit.
Sorry. No, you're Scrooge.
And I'm awfully cold outside.
Do you mind Just let me in.
My bones are hollow and my blood is
Oh, shut up, lonely carol singer.
Oh! Do you not like Christmas?
- No, I love Christmas.
- Scrooge hates Christmas.
I hate it. I hate Christmas so much.
Mr Scrooge, why do you
hate Christmas so much?
I hate Christmas because
I hate it because it's so beugh.
- Beugh?
- Beugh. And it's
Use your words, Mr Scrooge.
Tell me exactly why.
It'll help for everybody.
I don't Why do I hate Christmas?
I don't know. Why does
Scrooge hate Christmas?
- You said you knew the book.
- I mean, I've got a copy.
I I haven't opened it.
Knock, knock.
Adrian?
No, there's someone at the door.
- There's someone at the door!
- Your office.
I opened the last one
to the carols singer.
We know if there's someone at
the door, we'll let them in.
Never say no. Never
say no. Open the door.
- Knock, knock.
- Come in.
- Ebenezer Scrooge
- Over there.
Alright. Who are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am a ghost.
Ooh!
And that's how a ghost enters, is it?
- How?
- Well, by knocking at the door?
If he is a well-brought-up ghost.
Well, alright, whose ghost are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am Jacob Marley.
- Ooh! Ben!
- Yeah.
The ghost of your father.
That's right, isn't it?
- Uh
- Well, I wasn't
- Yeah, no, that
- No, that
Dad, of course, you know, I'm Ben
Marley, and you're Jacob Marley.
You're my father, of course. Well done.
- It's your son, the insurance broker.
- Is this in the book?
It's been a long time, Dad.
- Good to see you.
- Yes, it has.
Remember when we used to
hang out and be father and son
when I was younger?
Oh, it's a long time ago.
- Behold these chains.
- Ooh! Why are you wearing chains?
Oh, that's definitely in the book!
I forged these chains by my evil deeds.
- Now you
- Ooh, what are your evil deeds?
I I don't um
Aggravated assault.
- Whoa.
- What the fuck just happened?
Aggravated assault?
Does Mum know?
- He was very drunk and I
- You beat up a drunk person?
I mean, it's Christmas, guys, let's
Look, guys, I'm just here
because Georgia told me
to come and say that I'd forged
this chain with my evil deeds,
and you'll be visited by three ghosts
who are going to take
you back through time
so that you can shun
the path that I now trek.
- Can you two come with us?
- Never say no!
I don't Ben, can they?
Ben Marley, I don't know. Jacob
- You fucking You deal with it.
- Adrian!
I'm coming. Expect the first
ghost when the bell Sorry.
Expect the first ghost when
the bell tolls one. Ooh.
Time to get out of
here. You're coming, Pa?
I'm right behind you, mate.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, it's fun.
- That was a car crash.
- It was a rush.
I can hear my blood in my ears.
Cratchit and Scrooge!
Off we go on another
whirlwind adventure.
- I want to go home.
- Oh, 'ello.
Georgia sent me.
I haven't got long. I'm hosting a
party. Which one of you is Scrooge?
- He is.
- Me.
I'm Bob Cratchit.
And I am the ghost of Christmas past.
- I've got the book.
- Ah.
- I thought you'd be a bit
- What?
- You know. Woo!
- What?
- Less stressed, I suppose.
- I'm making vol-au-vents.
No, of course. Outstanding.
I'm taking you back to the past.
How do we effect such a strange
transition, wondrous spirit?
Well Uh Close your eyes.
OK.
Feel the cold on your skin
and the snow under your feet.
Take in the sounds and
smells each connected to
- Where's she gone?
- I don't know.
- Don't know. Here she comes.
- Yeah. Sorry. It's
You're in a long, bare,
melancholy room lined with desks.
At one of them sits a boy.
Who is this strange boy?
Don't you recognise him, Scrooge?
- Is it me?
- Is it him?
It's a lonely child.
He's neglected.
Please, strange spirit.
May we talk with him?
They're just shadows. You can't
I think we should talk to him.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You never say no. Never say no.
No. The ghost said we can't.
Well, the ghost is
making vol-au-vents, so
- Knock on the door. Do it.
- Knock, knock.
Can I help you?
- You can't also play young Scrooge.
- Course I can.
What would you want with me?
I want to talk with you.
Oh! Alarming gentleman.
Mother says I must never
talk with strangers.
I am not a stranger.
Then who be thee, old sir?
I be you from the future.
Oh! When do I get fat?
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you?
No wonder you're lonely and neglected.
I'm not lonely.
I have so many friends.
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes.
Right, well, prove it.
- Derek?
- Derek.
Oh, here he is. This is Derek.
Say hello, Derek.
'Ello.
And this is Martin and Emily.
Hey. Hello.
I've got a friend, too. Unlikely.
This is Bob.
- Hi.
- Bob? This is young me.
'Ello. Hi.
I'm Derek.
Hi. 'Ello.
Ooh, watch out. Here comes Emily
and that little scamp, Martin.
Hi. Hi! Hello.
Pleased to meet youse all.
- I've got lots and lots of friends.
- Yeah, well, guess what.
- What?
- All your friends leave you.
- Why?
- Because you grow up into a cunt.
Um, OK. I've got to go.
Have you spent enough time in the past?
- No. I want to look around more.
- I think so. Let's move on.
- Let's move things along.
- I want to see what else there is.
Close your eyes. Um
You're here.
Where are we?
The present.
- Oh, thank God.
The suburbs of Oh, for God's sake.
The suburbs of the town.
Christmas Day. Bob Cratchit's home.
How exciting. Outside
my own very own 'ouse.
And Georgia said there'll be
another ghost along in a minute.
Fuck!
Ghost of Christmas present.
- I wonder who that's going to be.
- Ooh, who could that be?
- Jim!
- Jim.
Oh, absolutely not.
Listen, you pair of scrambled eggs.
I have an Academy Award,
which I think allows me
to make a mistake with your
shitty little recording software
without you publishing it as some
sort of fucking amusing appendix.
So to hell with both
of you on every level
of your navel-gazing abhorrence.
Merry Christmas.
- Abrupt.
- Mmm.
- What are we going to do now?
- Um
Well, we've just lost our
ghost of Christmas present.
Do we need one?
We can't just wander
without supervision.
Well I'm outside my house.
It's Christmas morning.
I'm gonna go look through the window.
No, don't. Let's go back to the office.
- Why?
- Because that's the end of the story.
No, no. I can see my
family through the window.
There she is, Georgia,
cooking the turkey,
the children scrabbling around,
setting a table for Christmas lunch.
We should knock.
- No. Why?
- Because then they'll let us in.
We should knock on the door.
Be welcomed inside by my
lovely friends. All part of it.
- Alright, alright, alright!
- Knock on the door.
Alright! Knock, knock.
- Oh.
- Oh, shit.
Hello?
- Lights have gone out.
- Yeah. Uh
Should we wait or Are
the microphones still
Well, we've lost power.
It must be over here.
Georgia!
Don't touch anything.
No, I won't touch anything!
She'll fix it. Don't worry.
Oh, my God. It's nice to have
a bit of a breather from that.
- It's fun, though, isn't it?
- Yeah? You're enjoying yourself?
This is what I was talking
about in the loft the other day.
- When?
- Episode three. The Rat Tat.
Knock, knock. Come in.
What are we up to today?
Ooh, ah, it's the space to play.
- You didn't remember your lines.
- Yeah, but that wasn't
It wasn't a line. That
wasn't written down.
That was part of the
That was our real
Oh. Anyway.
I miss it.
It's going to be another
couple of minutes.
I used to be afraid of the dark.
I used to get anxious when I
couldn't see where I was going.
I get more anxious about
when I CAN see where I'm going
and I don't like it.
Listen, I think we should take a break.
Well, we're live to the nation, so
No, I I mean
from each other.
- David.
- Yeah.
You just didn't say anything.
What do you want me to say?
When I announce
something new these days,
people always ask, "Oh, is David in it?"
- Well, they like us together.
- We're not joined at the hip.
- I like us together.
- Come on. We're stuck in the past.
We're just reliving something
we did at a scary time
because it made us feel safe.
But we're not in that time anymore.
I don't like change.
Like those people who aren't
leaving their houses still.
- So what do you want to do?
- I don't know. Um
Finish this and
find something new.
You know? Something bold.
You don't think this is bold?
Not anymore.
How long have you felt this way?
Well, I never wanted to do a new series.
That long?
Just going through the motions, David.
- This why you've been snarky?
- I've not been snarky.
- Well, you haven't been charming.
- Come on.
We're the two arms of a
clapped-out pantomime horse.
I realise that you want
to keep flogging it,
but I'm the one in the back
who's getting sore buttocks.
Georgia?
- Hi.
- Hannah.
- Lily.
- Dad?
Knock, knock.
Lucy? Where are you?
- We're all upstairs.
- I'm in the bath.
- What are you all doing here?
- Getting to the end of the story.
- Knock, knock.
- Um, who's there?
Taxi for Mr Scrooge.
Oh Where are we?
Marley and Scrooge, Accountants.
Oh!
Is it Christmas morning?
Yes, and I'm double parked. So
Where are you taking us?
Well, Cratchit's house.
That's the end of the story.
- That's the plan.
- Um
How long will the journey take?
- Oh, we're here!
- Ooh.
- What do we do now?
- Oh. Um
- Knock at the door.
- Bob Cratchit?
- Don't wanna.
- It's your house.
Come on, Bob.
Let's finish the story.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit.
Oh, come in.
- These are my children.
- Hello, Mr Scrooge.
Hello, Mr Scrooge.
- That's what's wrong with it.
- Well, where's Tiny Tim?
He's asleep upstairs.
Sit down, Mr Scrooge, and tell
us that you're a changed man.
I'm a changed man.
And tell us that you'll always
carry Christmas in your heart.
I will always carry
Christmas in my heart.
Oh, God bless us, everyone.
- God bless us
- Wait!
- every
- Wait! Wait, wait.
What? What?
We've already been here.
We have seen this Christmas.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, we have. We visited last night.
The ghost of Christmas past
dropped us off right here.
- Well, can we just
- Then we looked through the window.
We were so close.
We saw you sitting down for dinner,
Georgia and your strange children.
- So?
- So.
Is there a version of
us standing outside?
That makes no sense.
Totally does. You've seen Back
to the Future, Bill and Ted,
Harry Potter and the
Prisoner of Azkaban.
Well, you know, we were outside then.
We're outside now.
- He's right.
- Lily!
- Well, he is.
- How do you know?
- I love this stuff.
- Do you remember what Scrooge did?
Uh What did I do?
You knocked at the door.
Don't.
Knock, knock, Mr Scrooge.
- No.
- Don't answer it.
Can't say no. Can't say no.
Never say no. Never say no.
Are we on the other side of that door?
Is that what you're saying?
Knock, knock
- Georgia!
- Don't open the door.
- Lily.
- He's right, Mr Scrooge.
- Open the door, Mr Scrooge.
- Why?
Because it's the first
fucking rule of improvisation.
Don't you understand the
rules of time and space?
Oh, I understand the
rules of time and space.
- Open the door!
- Why?
Because it'll be what you want!
It'll be something new,
something bold. You and me.
- Meeting versions of ourselves.
- I don't know
- Children, guard the door.
- Yes, Mother.
- I have a broom.
- I have a shovel.
- Who are you?
- The taxi driver.
We're not going through the
motions. Michael talking to Michael.
David talking to Michael.
- This is one last hurrah!
- No, it's too late!
- Ra-ta-ta-ta for the old time's sake!
- Stop flogging the pantomime horse.
- It's all part of it!
- My buttocks!
- Wait!
- What?
Knock, knock.
Did anyone open the door yesterday?
- Um
- Did anyone open the door?
- No.
- Knock, knock.
Then if you answer it now,
it establishes a new timeline.
- So?
- Knock, knock!
The versions of you here
now are only here now
because no-one answered
the door there then.
So if I open the door here now
The you there then can't
become the you here now.
- And the us here now
- Vanish.
- And it's over.
- You just have to answer the door.
- Knock, knock.
- No.
- Open the door.
- No, no, no.
Never say no. Knock, knock.
- I won't.
- I'll raise your salary.
- No.
- Pay the mortgage on this house.
- Doesn't need to end this way.
- Needs to win some way.
- I'm afraid of change.
- Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock!
- I've been listening.
- Collie!
- Don't call me that. I hate that.
- Sorry.
We had Alfie spayed yesterday
and he's been a bit of
a sad old thing since.
I thought he might enjoy
listening to your voices.
Dog.
He began whimpering
as soon as you started,
and then he was pawing at the
door and then he shat himself.
It's not that bad, is it?
I'd have shat myself too,
if we haven't got guests.
Well, we're just trying
- She's the bench
- The rules
- The rules.
- to improvisation.
This has to stop.
The problem with improvisation
is there's no structure.
So if you say yes to
everything, it never ends.
- I don't want it to end.
- But it must.
It's been lovely, but that
was then and this is now.
And there are more stories to be told
- Olivia.
- Yes?
- The dog's shit himself again.
- There in a second. Sorry.
How old are you?
- 52.
- 51.
So, no, just 50.
Height?
- Average.
- Little under.
Weight?
- Average.
- Little over.
So we've got years left.
Unless there's someone
knocking at the door.
But if we answer it, it's over.
That's thrilling.
You OK, Bob?
I'm OK, Scrooge.
You always made me look good.
You too.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, wait, wait.
Who are you?
Oh. Don't know. Tiny Tim?
Yeah.
Knock, knock.
Coming.
- And we're off.
- Oh, thank God.
- Thank you so much, Olivia.
- It was a pleasure.
But please make sure they
do actually stop, though.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
OK.
- Party time.
- Party time!
Yes, yes, yes.
Lucy, could you please
get me some alcohol?
- I will do that.
- Thank you. Lily, are you coming?
- On my way.
- OK, cool.
- Here he is.
- Oh, here I am. Hi.
I feel like I'm in an episode.
- Or do you get that a lot?
- Ha-ha.
Quite a lot. Yeah, well, all the time.
What do you usually say then?
I usually say that I hope I'm not
as inept and weaselly in real life.
Well, are you?
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- I love your work.
- Oh, thank you.
- I didn't like the first series.
- Right.
Well, I didn't mind the second.
That's kind.
- I hated the third.
- Hated it?
Until that final episode.
How How did you come up with that?
The The David
and Michael improvising?
- It had a pace and an energy.
- Mmm, yeah. Yeah.
Interesting that you say
that, actually, because
And I loved the absurdity.
And the and the and
the passion. It was inspired.
Was it?
I know there's been chatter
about what was written
and what was made up,
but I know talent when I see it.
And you have talent.
Do I?
And I want you to write for us.
- For David or Michael?
- No.
- For David?
- No.
- For Michael?
- Neither Neither of them.
I I don't understand.
Something new. Something exciting.
Something that's yours.
Just yours.
And this is based on the final episode?
Your final episode.