Stath Lets Flats (2018) s03e06 Episode Script

I want to go to Cyprus.
No more Michael, no more Eagle.
I'll just start
a whole new business.
I'm just a person that loves you.
Is it OK if I know you do?
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, my God, is that Katia?
I don't remember it being her.
I do.
I do.
OK, agency names - Perfect Lettings,
Perfect Dude Lettings.
Yeah. Sorry, if we want this new
agency to be sweeping the scene,
we need a name that's going to be
just freckled with respect.
You know what I mean?
Stathy,
is kneeling down quite respect?
Cos it could be Kneeling Down Lets.
I think that's great.
A signature move, too.
We could kneel in our office once
we stop working out of Stath's car.
Not that that's important.
But
OK.
What about, yeah, Minute Silence?
Do you know what mean? What's more
respectful than a minute's silence?
You don't talk for a minute,
for God's sake.
Yeah. Minute Silence Lets.
Minute Silence Lets.
I mean, it's amazing.
It's got everything.
it reminds me of war.
No, it's perfect -
Minute Silence Lets. That's it.
Gawd, I like you forever.
Thank you. Sophie, you part of this
business or is it just me and Stath?
Of course, she's a founder member.
Erm, I'd like to try to be a bit
more successful than this business,
if that's OK.
Hey, er,
it's very successfulso far.
Al, talk to your girlfriend.
Erm, I love you.
Love you, too.
Well, that's gorgeous.
Stathy, it maybe does feel like
the business might just be us,
er, talking next to the swings.
Like, how you gonna get customers?
SCOFFS: Wrong!
I could walk up to any Barry, Devlin,
Derlin in the park and say,
"Do you want to let a flat from me?"
And they'll go, "Yeah."
Could you? Oh, my God. Yeah.
Watch me.
Er, excuse me, excuse me.
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
I was just wondering if you're
on the market for a property.
Yeah.
What?
Oh, are you really? Yeah.
What, like, a two-bed near here?
Near here?
Yeah.
OK.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Do you like this room?
Huh? Do you like this room? Yep.
And this room?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you like that?
Yeah.
OK.
So do you want to rent the flat?
Yeah.
Yeah!
HE CHUCKLES
That's charming.
So, what we need to do now
..is erm
I just realised
I actually don't know what to do
when you get to the end of a viewing.
Like, my dad usually does it.
I don't think I can
rent you the flat, Howard.
But did you enjoy the tour?
Yeah. Yeah!
ALL: Wedding situation
It's a situation
Commitment, wedding, marriage
Invitation♪
Don't cut off my moustache, please.
Go on.
Can it be James Bond moustache?
What, you think I don't know how to
give you a James Bond moustache?
You made us your best man, innit?
Let me shave you.
Look how much Steven
trusts his best man.
I've actually never shaved a friend
to look like a Bond before.
You're kidding. What inspired
a fancy dress wedding, Vasos?
Because I am gay. Oh.
But Steven copied my James Bond.
Copydog!
THEY CHUCKLE
It's OK.
Me and Al done matchling as well.
Steven, can you guess
which clothes we are?
Er AMERICAN ACCENT:
Dollars, dollars, dollars, Texas.
Spice Girls.
No. I've come as President America
and Al is Jonathan Ross
interviewing me at 10.35 on ITV.
It's all Sophie's vision.
I can't take any credit.
Oh, I've just had a curry puff.
Aw. Do you know what Katia's
coming to the wedding as?
Oh, she said that she's doing
the crab colour.
Right.
Does that match with me?
I don't know.
Stathy? Mm?
Are you pleasant?
Me, pleasant?
I'm full of the joys of spring, mate.
I wanted to check
you're not a lonely boy.
Well, you can check it out, OK?
Don't worry about my lonely, innit?
I got a couple of surprises
up my Steven Sleeven, Steven.
HE CHUCKLES
Wedding bells
Are you christening? ♪
I wish I was marrying my dad,
Steven. You sneaker!
Steven, it would be good
to get to know a few facts about you
for my speech.
Any funny moments
from your life or?
Er, I am 65.
Er, when I born, I had red hair.
AL CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
Anything else?
No.
Hey. Church!
No, yeah, I love a bit of Med
on my plate.
Yeah, no, exactly, halloumi.
And you drop down and that's it.
The gun is on them.
It's threats like this
Matrix, Matrix. Ha, ha.
There are little Staths
and Sophies everywhere.
What's happening?
Sorry, what is your costume?
Mamma Mia! I'm a guest in Mamma Mia!
Erm, what's yours?
Sort of a sex alien?
I'm Blade, vampire character.
That's fancy dress.
Everyone I ask has just come as a
character that wears normal clothes.
She said she's come as Dawson
from Dawson's Creek.
Have you seen Katia, by the way?
Are you Dawson from? I love it.
That's real.
How do you? Ahh! Oh, my God,
the memories came flooding back.
Sorry. You all right?
Well, welcome to the day
of my father's promise.
No, seriously, how have you been?
Cos it's been a while.
Er, so I got a job
assisting a drama teacher.
Yeah. Er, helping out and that.
Yeah. We make music with our bodies.
So, it's really fulfilling.
Erm, and your clothes, my Lord.
What are you, a Wall Street banker?
It's Blade.
Blaze.
And you, Carole, how's it been?
How's it been?
What you asking me?
How have you been?
All right, Helen? You all right,
Helen? You all right? It is Helen.
ALL CHANT: Best man! Best man!
Best man!
Is it true
that you're really famous?
Oh, I don't know. Are you?
Thanks, er, thanks so much for that,
guys. That was, that was crazy.
Sophie, sorry.
She's seen you in this big Greek
speech and your YouTube videos.
Everyone is really loving what
you're doing in Cyprus. The success!
Cyprus, Oh! Are you my cousin
or are you just Greek?
Are you looking forward
to my dad's commitment?
How am I dressed madder than Katia?
Here comes rubble, right? Right,
I'm off to get some oily squid.
All right.
I'm going to go stand on my own.
So, like, what you up to, like,
at the wedding, yeah?
I don't know. I was thinking maybe I
would photo bomb or eat more lamb.
Oh, cool. Anyway, if you got nothing
going on at the wedding, like,
you know I could get you
a bridesmaid role.
Can I meet the priest?
If you're a bridesmaid,
you come up the altar with us,
you stand at us with the "ultra",
just get moved by what's happening.
Oh, yeah, OK, yeah.
You wanna be bridesmaid?
All right, I can sort that out
for you. I can sort that out for you.
You look good, Katia. Mm.
You look good.
What you come as,
a sort of strawberry drink?
Very close. Crab mixed with snake.
Crabsnake. I thought so, yeah, yeah.
You look good. Yeah.
What are you dressed as?
What am I dressed as? Yeah.
Dean.
ALL CHANT: Best man! Best man!
Oh, come on. Best man!
ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH
Is that a presenter from Greek TV?
Lady, gentleman and LGBBQ,
welcome to the wedding ceremony
of Vasos Charalambos
and Steven Papa Stefano.
Can I start by asking you both
to say a speech to the other person,
please?
Speech! Speech!
You ever heard someone
say that in a film? Speech!
Speech.
HE MOUTHS
Please. This is my speech.
"Never forget
where you've come here from.
"Never pretend that it's all real.
"Someday soon, this will all be
someone else's dream."
Little Barlow from the heart.
PAPER RUSTLES
"Never forget
where you've come here from.
"Never pretend that it's all real.
"Someday soon, this will all be
someone else's dream."
WHISPERS: They sound the same.
I told him I was doing this.
What's wrong with you, Steven?
I loved it when he said that,
"What's wrong with you, Steven?"
What a funny moment
from the wedding.
Very funny. Very funny.
Now we do the I do.
Do you, Vasos?
I'll do it.
Do you want to do it, Steven?
I'll do it.
Very good. Oh, bravo, bravo!
Now, before we make it
very official,
does anybody have enough
of the courage to say a reason
why these two men should not be
married here today? Please?
HE SIGHS
Katia,
will you marry me? Ooh! Waa!
No, no way. Get up.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, no. I was just
No, stop worrying about everything.
Why is he on the floor?
Will you marry me as a surprise?
Do you want to do it?
No, I don't want to.
She doesn't want to do it. Let's get
me up. No, no, just do Dad's one.
Efstathios, was that the reason
for them not to be marriage?
No, this was the reason
for me and Katia not to be married.
What reason?
The reason is she said no
when I asked her to marry me.
Marry my dad, Solaki, man. Shut up!
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Katia, do you remember what happened?
HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
ALL : Best man! Best man!
Best man!
DEAN CHATTERS
Bambos, er,
is acting in Cyprus a good one?
I heard that you in films and
that it actually did film your face.
Thank you for asking.
I actually spent 15 whole minutes
talking to Sir Patrick Stewart.
Good God. What did you talk about?
I actually told him
through the window of his trailer,
some good shaving techniques
for your head.
Very much.
But I'm hearing a lot of things
about you. I'm very proud of you.
Aw. And I'm looking forward
to your speeches.
Oh, yeah. I'll be watching.
Oh, my God. Bravo, yeah.
Oh, God.
I'm jumpy about my speech now.
Should I put some acting in it?
What are you doing
for your Steven speech?
Oh, I've just got this great story
about his hair colour.
Yeah.
Can I borrow your jacket
if you're not wearing it?
I need to hide some stuff.
Oh, gosh.
Katia, have you tried
the different meat?
I introduce to you
the wedding of the day.
Mr and Mr Vasos and Steven.
APPLAUSE
Er, check, check, yo, yo.
Erm, so Vasos FaceTimed me
last night to give me this honour
and he mentioned that Steven's
family, for whatever reason,
erm, don't like him very much.
So if liking Steven's what you want,
then they came to the right guy
HE CHUCKLES
because I do like Steven.
Thank you for everything
HE PLAYS THE KEYBOARD
Thank you for every conversation
You bring what you bring
What you bring
is 65 years of exhilaration
You had red hair
when you were born.♪
Oh, whoa, come on.
APPLAUSE
Beautiful.
And now, quickly,
the children of the wedding.
Sophie, the actor and Efstathios
who is NOT getting married.
LAUGHTER
Without further da-doo,
here's the speech
and I am going to do the acting
in this speech.
Bambos.
Yeah.
And if everyone could forget
what I did at the wedding. OK.
Hello. My name's my sister, Sophie.
And I my name is Stath.
BOTH: Wait a minute.
That can't be right at all.
LAUGHTER
BOTH: But if I'm Sophie and Stath,
which one of us is the groom?
Vasos.
It's me, Vasos. Round of applause.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
But seriously, man,
everyone thinks my dad
is just a small old lettings man
who always wears light brown colours.
Well, get a life,
because to me and Sophie
BOTH: ..he means everything to me,
everything.
He is a father.
IMITATES VASOS: I am looking
after you the best that I can.
Please!
Very good acting, Bambos.
Two - policeman to us.
IMITATES VASOS: Nine, nine, nine.
I got to get these kids from Cyprus
to the UK for their education.
Please!
And also, he is someone
who is very scared of geese.
IMITATES VASOS: Get these BLEEP geese
away from me! Please!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BOTH: We love our dad to death!
Encore.
Whoo!
WHISTLING
OK, now that everyone
really likes me
..I got more thing to say.
I'm going again, girl.
Will you marry me?
ALL GASP
No, that was my chin on it.
It wasn't
Yes!
What?
Are you asking me or her?
Her! She! You, you. Red dress.
I'm saying, I'm saying No, I'm
saying yes. As in, Katia, say yes.
Why don't you say yes, grey hat?
I'm trying to keep in the loop here.
Was that a yes to me?
Will you marry me?
No! Part two, the sequel.
No. OK, then strike up the band.
Honestly, strike it up. How many
times do I have to say strike?
We're getting up. We're getting up.
Let's do it.
Right, OK, so? Whoop-a!
It's a Greek wedding, innit?
These are paper plates.
These are paper.
Could we get a couple of hard plates?
What's going happen is
they're not going to smash.
Well, you gotta tear them. It's
really just a case of tear and smash.
Come on, get up. OK, everybody,
come on, get up, we're doing plates.
GREEK MUSIC PLAYS
Whoop-a!
GREEK MUSIC PLAYS
ALL CHEERING
ALL CLAPPING
Oh, your acting was very good,
I thought it was really good.
Oh, my God, thank you.
My head was got so hot,
I thought I'd burnt it.
THEY LAUGH
Did you like Al's speech?
Not very much, if I'm being honest.
That's totally fine.
Thanks for listening.
When you come to Cyprus, my agent
has a professional thing out there,
he's got a cactus in his office
and everything,
he'd sign you in a heartbeat.
Oh, I can't, cos me and Al are
getting a takeaway next weekend.
And that's in England.
You should go.
I'd love to move to Cyprus.
Would you? I love cucumber and
Would you move to Cyprus?
Hey, Mr Will You Marry Me?
Your sister is going to move to
Cyprus with the squeak man singer.
What? Which sister?
My only one. Sophie, you
What did he say,
you're going to move to Cyprus?
It was just a quick chat in the
conga cos Dad's going to Cyprus
I was going to say, what, what, what,
Mr What From Watford?
My sister's going to Cyprus? My dad's
already My dad's already going.
I don't know.
SHE GIGGLES
You don't know about what?
Well, sometimes maybe someone
can do something.
Is that, you're going
You want to move to Cyprus?
No, I don't
What, your dad's going and you're
going? And Katia won't marry me.
I only found out about this two
seconds ago when we were jiggling.
Yes.
I'll be alone now, then.
I'll see you there. Where's Dad?
Stath
MUSIC STOPS
ALL CHEER
Don't blame you,
a little bit of beef.
It's meat medley, who wants to know?
Oh. CHUCKLES: Sorry.
Do you know what, Katia?
I'm sort of sorry generally
if I've been a bit sort of
bullish to you.
It's just, it's my way.
I'm a bull, what can I say?
And you are always in red, so
SHE CHUCKLES
OK, forget about me. I'm going to
throw something else into the mix.
You know, Stath really has
a throb on for you
and you're both oddballs.
Have another pop.
Carole. Yeah. Bae. Yeah.
You think I'm cool, I get it,
but I'm gonna do me tonight, OK?
ALL: Claims!
What's Claims? It's Blade, bruv.
Thank you, Helen, I got her.
Hello, Dina, you having a good night?
Have you seen my father, dad,
er, Vasos?
Er, yeah, he's somewhere around.
You all right? You fell over
a lot of times today.
Well, maybe you'd fall over a lot of
times if you loved lots of stuff
and then all that stuff was, like,
"Oh, check your reflex, I'm going
to Cyprus for the cucumber."
It's like talking to a dance track.
Just say what's wrong clearly.
I wanted to get Dina
a proper parents family,
where we kiss
at nine o'clock in the morning
and then everyone comes around and
we play a board game on the low table
and then we're like, "Ooooh, daa!"
But I don't even have that now
cos everyone's leaving me!
And Dina,
I don't have anything to give her.
I don't have a person to give her.
Not even a bit
or a piece to give her.
I can't even handle Michael & Eagle.
I'm gonna go and propose to Katia.
OK, bruv. What? Stop trying to give
your daughter a lettings agency.
Trust me, she don't want it.
Just feel lucky, bruv.
You had a daughter,
someone let YOU have a daughter.
So that's a nice surprise, innit?
Enjoy that.
HE SIGHS
Is that your real hair?
We did always say that if
we were going to move to Cyprus,
we'd do it together.
You, you
You, you, you've got to go.
I mean, I'll come with you
if you'll you have me,
but you, you, you've got to go.
Cyprus, it's where stuff
is happening, you know?
You know that, I know that,
everybody knows that.
Yeah. I mean, sometimes you've just
got to do stuff for yourself.
And Stath, Stath loves you
I love him.
And, yeah, and he's got Dina.
They can visit.
Yeah, yeah, he'll be, er,
he'll be cool though.
Oh, my God, Al, we
Maybe we should go.
Do you think so?
CHUCKLES: Oh, God.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, everybody.
It's very nicely to be here.
I want to say something
before we leave to Cyprus.
I love Greek music, but my children
is grow up in England,
so I want to do a song for them
..from America.
Please.
Stathy.
And Sophie.
I'm with Dina, I can't dance.
Bring Dina with you.
Ahh, ah
Ahh, ah
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do
make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for a while?
But you won't let me
You upset me, boy
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget
Can't remember what you did
And I hate it
You know exactly how to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
for too long
That's wrong
But I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to
fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
And I hate how much
I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much
I love you, boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so
How you take advantage of the fact
that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
And I hate how much
I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much
I love you, boy
But I just can't let you go♪
Katia? Yes. Will you?
No, don't propose, no.
What do you mean?
I chase you, baby.
What do you mean you chase me?
I chase you for years, I chase you.
I want you to chase me.
I've been chasing you the whole time,
that's been the whole thing today.
OK.
APPLAUSE
So chase me.
Chase me.
SLOW MUSIC PLAYS
NO DIALOGUE
Oh, sorry, yeah.
But wait, I don't think
I actually understood what you said.
You literally want me
to chase you all night tonight?
No, I just thought it sounded cool.
Oh, it did, it really did.
Yeah, I left Dina on the floor
in the dance,
so can we go back to the dance?
OK. You can come with me. Thank you.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Wait What?
Oh.
Thank you.