Still Open All Hours (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

You let Old Man Bracket sell you too many.
They're fresh from his allotment.
It were a steal.
You know why it was a steal.
He's grown too many, and he can't get rid.
Neither can you.
Just watch this space.
You couldn't get rid of Dr Proctor's nerve tonic,.
That were different, weren't it? Now we're professionals.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Good day to you, Mrs Teasdale, don't tell me you intend walking past these lovely fresh turnips? Turnips? Oh, we're into quinoa.
Last year she thought that quinoa was near Benidorm.
HE SNIFFS HE SIGHS Some girl was making a lot of noise in this doorway last night.
Woke you up, did she? Very much.
I was with her.
She never stops yakking.
Worth it though, if you just ignore it and keep snogging.
She's going to uni next month.
I expect they'll ruin her for normal purposes.
We're going to have to put a muzzle on this till.
I think I'm in love with someone gobby and intelligent.
Intelligence would do you no good at all.
Gobby gets things done.
She wanted to know what I thought about Salvador Dali.
I told her, I don't even know who he plays for.
She immediately withdrew my snogging privileges.
Snogging? I thought you said that she were a talker.
Yeah, she talks through it.
Morning.
Good morning, Gastric.
Right, what do I fancy for breakfast? Turnip.
For breakfast? It's the new quinoa.
You enjoyed it yesterday.
I had bacon and eggs yesterday.
Yes, you did, with thin fried slices of turnip.
You said how much you enjoyed it.
I never came in here twice yesterday morning? I were working on a roof.
Oh, dear, your memory's going.
We've seen it coming, me and Leroy.
Don't you remember? Madge was in here.
She gave you a kiss.
I don't remember that.
She usually goes, "Eww"! It's worse than we thought.
I'm saying nothing.
You see Leroy's too choked up to speak.
He said to me, he said, he was getting so worried about Gastric losing his memory permanently.
I said, "No, don't you worry, Leroy," I said.
I said, "You're forgetting that we have the cure.
" There's a cure? Yes.
Treasured since Roman times for restoring the memory.
A turnip? A turnip.
They never went anywhere without their raw turnip.
That's why they had short swords.
Because the rest of the scabbard was filled up with raw turnip.
Here we are, Cyril.
Please accept this small, free gift, with our compliments.
What is it? It's one of nature's premier remedies.
You put it around your ankles, and it keeps the smidges away.
Raw turnip round your ankles? Yes, well, we don't recommend it mashed.
It doesn't have the same prophylactic effect.
And what are smidges? You mean midges.
No, no, midges are visible.
Smidges are too small to be seen with the naked eye.
So how do you know that they're there? Well, you don't, of course, unless you have a smidge detector.
Don't tell me you haven't got a smidge detector? Oh, dear, oh dear.
Oh.
Never mind, here you are, one smidge detector.
There you go.
It changes colour if the little beggars are about.
And, of course, you can tell they're about now, because five minutes ago that were blue.
Because that holds your slice of turnip in place when you put it round your ankle.
Why round your ankle? Because that's where they are, aren't they, the smidges - they're not high-flyers.
No, smidges are very, very low.
They're sneaky.
They come in low like that, they go EEH, they hit you on the ankle, and go DZZZ like that.
And SPLAT - they've gone.
So no serious effects, then? Well Er, no.
Not if you don't mind losing all of your masculine vigour.
Not to mention your interest in the opposite sex.
No, please, don't let me keep you.
How much? £4.
25.
What, for a rubber band? But you do get the turnip absolutely free.
Are you sure this is going to work? Trust me.
It's one of my best advertising gimmicks.
Oh, excuse me.
Do you mind taking a look at this? Do you recognise this man? I know he lives in this area.
He promised he'd write, but, of course, he never has.
Wait, that's Hmmm.
Very unfamiliar.
Dodgy, but unfamiliar.
Then would you mind keeping it and showing it to your customers? I'll be back later, thank you.
Eh, she had I know that.
Come on.
20p for that apple.
You must be joking! Don't be alarmed, Mr Newbould, it's only me.
Or should that be "I"? Whatever.
It's only us.
Ah, there you are.
Don't mind me.
You carry on with whatever you're doing.
Whatever it is.
Reading? Straining the brain, Mr Newbould.
I've seen it happen.
It's only my stamp album, it's hardly a strain.
I had to ban my second husband from reading anything exciting when he threw off his pyjamas and claimed the right to sleep naked.
How are you on pyjamas, Mr Newbould? I'm for them.
The thicker the better.
I knew I could rely on you.
Oh, drinking already? It's only my sister's home-made wine.
May I offer you a glass? You may.
Though it won't further your naughtier intentions.
I have an iron constitution.
I don't doubt that for a moment.
And I'm unaware of any naughty intentions.
Oh, they'll be there.
They always are.
Even my third husband came alive if he I fed him too many carbohydrates.
This is rather strong.
Pleasant, but one never knows what punch may lurk in these home-made things.
Mm! Oh, yes.
That is very pleasant.
I think we'll do that again.
Whose pram might that be? Why ask me? Am I the local know it all? Usually.
It's true.
And now I'm feeling challenged, because I don't know who's recently been filling prams round here.
I hope young Leroy's chickens haven't come home to roost.
Don't say that.
I always think Leroy is such a charmer.
So, yes, of course, you could be right.
It's one of his advertising stunts.
Where does he come up with these things? I wonder where he got t'pram? I wonder where he got t'baby.
I usually know who's scattering THEM about.
There can't be a baby in.
Even he wouldn't leave a baby outside.
Unless there's a profit in it.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
Yes.
Come in.
And what have you been up to? Not a lot, lately.
I'm saying lately, I mean ages.
There an angry female looking for you.
I'm married.
Tell me something I don't know.
This is not Cath.
This is another angry female, one that we don't know.
Did she say what it was about? No, but she didn't look too pleased.
So not only is there a strange woman looking for me, it's a strange woman in a bad mood? It's typical.
Where did I get this gift for arousing female hostility? Well, hell hath no fury.
Who have you been scorning lately, Eric? Hey, hey.
Ah! You didn't give them my address? No, no, no, I didn't.
No, calm down.
Relax.
I can help you there.
Yeah.
Cath's going to kill me.
Why, what have you done? Nothing I can remember.
She'll think of something.
You're going to need one of these.
Help you calm your nerves.
Have you seen my brother-in-law? Don't you think one turnip in the family is enough? With some people it's rocks, with others it's turnips.
What you do is you hold it, you stroke it, and it will lead you peacefully to your calm centre.
I'm going to look a right muffin stroking it.
Not only will this turnip bring you immediate tranquillity, but a recent survey of 78% of people reported it stimulated their partner's urge to possess them.
£4.
75.
£4.
75?! Ah! But it includes Free of charge.
Right, now watch this.
Right.
You give the customer a fright.
And then be ready with your Dr Proctor's nerve tonic.
You can put your spider away.
It won't work.
In my opinion, no chance.
As I looked from my window I accidentally saw you last night in the shop doorway.
With the one who's going to uni.
You seemed very interested in higher education.
She only gave me a B minus.
You should go where there's a chance of straight As.
Now then, how may we help you? I don't want a turnip.
We've got a special offer on nerve tonic.
Why would I need nerve tonic? I'm only modestly educated, but a rock of stability.
SHE SCREAMS I'll take it.
Ow! So who's this woman who's looking for you? Ain't it marvellous how word travels round here? So who is she? I don't know! You'll probably know before I do.
Oh, put your leg away, Cyril, there's no such thing as smidges.
How do you know if you can't see them? I'm just taking precautions.
I wish I was.
There's a woman looking for me.
Oh.
So you've got some memory, then? I'm joking.
I'm joking! And that will stop the smidges? Oh, yes.
It's the only effective countermeasure when used in conjunction with your slice of turnip.
Is he on special offer? We're nearly finished, Mrs Featherstone.
He's got a hole in his sock.
Well, I didn't know it was going to be on show.
Yes, well, it is a diagnostic tool, Mrs Featherstone.
Show me a hole in a sock, and I'll show you where the smidges have been.
Smidges eat your socks? I am looking at you, Granville, through the glow of Mr Newbould's sister's home-made wine.
It's tilted your hat, Mrs Featherstone.
Oh, it's tilted more than that, Granville.
In fact, I am leaning towards Put your boots on outside, Gastric! The next few moments are not for those with holes in their socks.
Good luck with the next few moments, Granville.
My relationship with Mr Newbould gathers pace, Granville.
Oh, he's a good man.
I'd hang onto him, you know.
However, let it be known, that for the right party, there is still time.
Time? Yes, yes, just look at the time.
Oh, dear.
Would you take me as I am, Granville? What, now? With a slightly tilted hat.
Have you ever seen me in disarray before, Granville? No.
Well, this hat is just the start of it.
For the right party, Delphine Featherstone can do disarray with the best of them.
Oh, gods, that one's ugly.
It's a bit cold.
And life is going to stay that way until I get some answers.
Who is this woman who's looking for you? Cath, this time I'm innocent.
I am pure snow white.
I hope it's not blinding you.
I don't know who the woman is.
All right.
Well, let's start at WHY would this woman be looking for you? I have no idea.
What have you been up to? And when? And stop fiddling with your foot.
What's that you've got around it? Oh, you're wearing ankle bracelets now? It's a smidge detector.
You can't see them with the naked eye.
And you wonder why I'm convinced you're not reliable? I bought one for you too.
It helps keep your turnip in place.
Eric, am I missing something? Have you been replaced by something from outer space? Right, you're all loaded up.
Oh, and listen, when you get to Mrs Atkinson's Yes.
When you get to Mrs Atkinson's, knock three times Pause.
And three times again.
She's nervous.
She won't open up to strangers.
What are you doing? Mrs Featherstone seriously bent my spider.
She has the same affect on me.
Anyway, you're going to serve Mrs Featherstone in future.
What kind of future's that? Now, watch this.
Little gag for Mavis.
I'll show her what she does to this beating heart.
Thank you, as ever, Mrs Hussein.
Oh, er Can I tempt you with a turnip? You can tempt me with or without, Leroy.
Speaking of turnips You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, Nora, the women are born sharp-tongued round here.
Speaking of which, who's this female that's been looking for you? I keep telling you, I've no idea.
Come on, you can tell me.
I never shopped you about that barmaid, did I? What barmaid? Keep your voice down! It were perfectly innocent.
We had a mutual interest in Japanese prints.
She were in awe of my expertise.
In that particular field.
Which field? Japanese prints! Chuffing hell! Oh, where are we going for mischievous night? That's months away.
Haven't you got anything nearer? Oh no, see, that's the old one, the new mischievous night is being formally opened in the back of the shop after closing.
Is this where I lose another earring? I hope so.
Me too.
You know that you make my heart go pitter pat, pitter pat.
It's OK.
It's just my little joke.
SHE SCREAMS It's you, isn't it? You're the one.
I've never seen this woman before! And I can prove it! Relax.
We bought your mum's house.
She said you'd be in touch and tell us where everything is.
We can't even find the stopcock.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
She never said anything to me.
She's getting forgetful.
Look, I'll come with you and show you.
Great.
Thank you.
And congratulations.
Oh, no, no, it's not a baby.
It's a turnip.
He looked so pathetic and innocent, for a minute I almost believed him.
Bad move.
They do that.
They think innocence is some sort of excuse.
Get nasty.
Go for it.
What are the odds he'll be innocent? And if he is, then you can give him double grief the next time he slips up.
I knew it.
Knock three times.
Pause and then knock three again.
Pause.
How could you think that I'd be involved with another woman? OK, you may be innocent this time, but it doesn't give you a free pass.
Ah.
But it shows that deep down, you think I'm unreliable.
You were talking to a turnip.
They can be surprisingly comforting under times of great stress.
Eric, it's a turnip.
IT has a name.
You're back quick.
Number 14, what goes off in there? What do you mean what goes off in there? Well, I gave the secret knock, you know, and this naked arm came out.
And it was naked way beyond where an arm usually finishes.
She's a bit eccentric.
She wears a swimming costume to do her housework.
She's harmless.
Why, does she go swimming? How would I know? Well, you know the secret knock.
Have you been splashing about in there? She feeds me plum cake.
She makes great plum cake.
She's not exactly dressed for baking, is she? That's why she needs the special knock.
She's not exactly going to open the door to anybody when she's dressed like that, is she? No.
Now what are you plotting? I've got to get the black widow off my back, she's not moving fast enough with Mr Newbould.
You can't throw that poor man into the jaws of Mrs Featherstone.
Self defence, Leroy.
Self defence.
Anyway, I'll make it up to him once they're married.
French colonial stamps, mint condition, entire collection, for sale.
French colonial? That's my field.
Is it? What a coincidence! I'm sure they said French colonial.
But I'm only repeating what I heard.
Number 14? Yes, but she won't answer unless she gets the special knock.
Which is Pause.
There.
She must be a keen collector.
Oh, yes, she is.
I thought it was only of young grocers, but How very encouraging of you, to invite me on this little drive, Granville.
But why are we parking here? Just taking a breather, Mrs Featherstone.
Oh, look who's coming.
Oh, I hope he's not following me.
They get obsessed with you.
Well, you know how it is.
Oh! You're a tall person.
Did you see that? Oh, that - I'll deal with him later.
Ah! Oh, no, Mrs Featherstone.
Smidge! Smidge attack! And I've got cramp.
It's cramp.
Yes, it is.
It's cramp.
Ooh.
Ah.
Ooh.
Hey.
Sorry.
I've got cramp.
And it's, oh, look at that, it's changed the colour of the elastic in my underwear.
No, it's cramp.
I have to walk it off, you see.
Sorry, Mrs Featherstone.
Oh! Well, well, well.
Look who's caused the elastic in his underpants to change colour.
SHE CHUCKLES He may fight it, but he's yours, Delphine.
If you wait I'm sure I can find some stamps! I thought she had some French colonials.
Most of them, I should think, dressed like that.
It's amazing how that Mrs Featherstone really fills a small car.
There seemed to be no air.
Just the scent of lavender.
And the creek of corsetry under stress.
Oh, preserve our Leroy, Lord, from the perils which lie in the way for personable young grocers.
And if he has to stumble, let it lead to a sizeable weekly order.