Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e06 Episode Script

1
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
Hi. Good race, good race.
Don't stop running now.
[BATON CLANGING]
Woo, what's my time?
Way to go Jerri,
you blew a 75 meter lead.
And the last leg
is only 100 meters!
COACH: All right
ladies, we're a team!
We can't put all
the blame on Jerri,
just because it is
all her fault!
That's right, we're teammates,
so let's act like it.
Oh, speaking of which,
I pulled a hamstring.
Which one of you lovely ladies
would like to rub it down?
Jerri!
Oh, no offense,
but I was hoping
What's your excuse this time?
Funny story, I stopped by
the candy machine, and
You blew the teams lead to make
a trip to the candy machine?
It's not my fault they put the
candy machine so far from the track!
Hit the locker room now!
And get rid of that candy bar!
Sure thing, Coach.
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school,
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends.
Did a lot of time.
I was a boozer
A user,
and a loser.
I stole the T.V
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
great race!
Hey, we'll get 'em
next time, ladies!
Hey, Wilma, ya want some help,
y'know, rubbin' that out?
[CLAP, CLAP, CLAP]
All right, why don't
you girls hit the tub?
Tub!
Not you, Jerri.
But but it's tub time,
you know, rub-a-dub-dub,
four girls in a tub.
Sit down, Jerri!
But but they're soaping up!
I can hear the lather.
The lather!
Look Jerri, we all
wanna get into that tub,
but we have something
important to discuss here.
I'm not asking for
the State Championship,
but it would be nice
not to come in last, once.
I'm cutting you from the team.
What?
Where's this comin' from?
Come over here.
Turn around.
Turn around and
put your head down!
Ahh!
Ah, ahhh.
It's cold and clammy
Stop, this doesn't hurt!
You are 80% body fat.
Wow, what's the other 20%?
It looks like scar tissue.
Oh please, please, oh please!
I'll do anything,
don't kick me off the team,
give me one more chance!
[BABBLING PLEADINGLY]
Jerri, you say the
same thing every time.
I know, but this time I mean it,
even the last part
that doesn't mean anything.
Don't kick me off that tub team!
You mean the track team?
Right.
I'll give you another chance,
but if you don't get your time
down by Friday, you're off the team.
Well, how am I
supposed to do that?
Put a little more
effort into it.
But I'm not sure I wanna put
extra effort into somethin' I want.
Then you're off the team!
Fine, if that's your attitude,
then I will stand firm
by changing my mind
and saying I'll do it.
Can I get in
whatever. The tub now?
[GIGGLING AND LAUGHING]
Lather.
Bring it back right!
Good
Bring it back!
Up!
Here we go right!
Here we go!
Mmm, cookies!
Those are for Derrick, Jerri!
He led the squat thrust team
to victory today!
[DOOR SLAMS]
Oh! Here's
my little champion!
I made a pizza for you.
Pizza, pizza, pizza!
Yeah. How's
that taste, troll?
I'm gonna squat my way
right to the top!
I don't get it.
You don't have any more
muscle mass than me.
You're just a rack of bones
covered in a thin layer of fag.
How do you do it?
I'm a natural athlete,
plus I got a little
somethin' special!
Maxibulk 10,000!
It's got everything you
need, for maximum bulk.
Sugar, corn syrup,
fructose, molasses,
brown sugar, caramel color,
and xanthan gum.
Xanthan gum? Wow!
I want some!
No way, plug, I'm not wastin'
my stash on a loser like you.
Get your own.
Maxibulk,
Maxibulk 10,000 ♪
Give it to me!
My stash!
Oh, great, what am
I gonna eat now, troll?
Mom!
5, 6
6 steps, keep going!
[POWER REVS UP]
[BELL TINKLES]
Oh, hey!
Welcome to Nutri-Wiz.
Wait, let me guess,
your wife of 30 years,
just left you,
and you wanna lose that
spare tire around the middle
so you can hit the clubs again
and groove on the young
chiquitas. Am I right?
No
I'll get it., old timer,
you've got a thyroid condition
that makes your bones brittle,
so you wanna calcium supplement
so you can chase after the grand kids
without having to worry
about another broken hip?
I'm a high school freshman girl,
and I need to get in shape
for the track team.
Of course!
I want some Maxibulk 10,000.
You sure you wanna pack more on?
You say you're on
the track team,
let me make a suggestion.
You slam the aminos
for breakfast,
protein shake for lunch,
after dusk, nothin' but carbs.
You stick to that
regimen for six months,
you're gonna see some
marginal improvement.
Well I need to be
fast by Friday.
Okay, look, I'm not
supposed to sell this,
in fact, I'm not even
supposed to possess it,
but you're an
exceptional ly fat case.
Uh, hold on.
Look, I rode that brown tiger
for 20 years.
It took me through
a carnival of hell.
I became the plaything of
Indonesian businessmen.
By the end, I was barely human.
But, I'm willing to
give it another shot.
Oh, it isn't what you think.
Anabolic steroids.
Well won't that make
my testies shrivel?
Have you got testies?
Of course not, I'm a girl.
What will it do
to my sperm count?
Look, all you've
gotta worry about
is how much faster
you're gonna be.
Well that and, uh,
brain cancer.
Bring it on baby!
[SQUISH]
Ladies.
Thanks for showin' up Jerri.
If you didn't come we could
at least forfeit
and save ourselves the humiliation
of watching you hobble in last.
Thank you for those
words of support.
I'll be seeing you ladies,
in the winners' circle.
Remember Jerri,
this is your last shot.
On your mark, get set.
[BANG]
Go go go go go!
Straight to Jerri Blank.
Go!
Go, what are you doing?
Run!
No.
Yes, yes, yes!
[SCREAMING AND CHEERING]
I don't know how
you did it Jerri,
but our time today qualifies us
for the state trials!
To the locker room!
Tub time!
[SQUEALING & GIGGLING]
Jerri, can I talk
to you a second?
But it's tub time.
Oh, I know, but this'll
only take a minute.
You know, I don't know what got
into you out there, but you were on fire!
Guilty.
I have to ask you
somethin' important.
I really need to hit that tub.
I know Jerri.
Are you taking any
performance enhancing drugs?
No.
Oh good, because legally,
I had to ask you once.
Hit the tub.
[GIGGLING]
Girls!
Mmm, I love cheese!
What is it about cheese?
You know, once again Jerri,
great race.
Thanks, Wilma.
Jerri, what did you do
to improve so much?
Just worked on the old
fundamentals running, batoning.
Enough about me, tell me
about the tub today.
WILMA: You know, it
was the same as usual.
Hot water and soap.
It got so hot and
slippery in there,
we had to hold on to
each other for support.
And then Wilma came up
with this crazy game,
where she pretended
she was a moray eel.
And then she went underneath
the water and nibbled on us.
And then we pretended
our legs were a coral reef
[ECHOING] And we hid the
soap underneath our bottoms.
The soap was like this
frightened little puffer fish
and the eel was
trying to get at it.
I almost got it too.
Jerri, are you okay?
Oh yeah, I almost drowned
in my own saliva.
Just happy about goin' to State!
Look, I'm a little worried
about this state meet.
Yeah, I mean, our time
was pretty good today,
but it's a long way from
what it would take to win.
Look ladies, no need to worry.
What's that, Jerri?
It's completely harmless.
I mean, I did
it and look at my time.
We could all do it and no one
would be able to beat us.
Then we can go, uh,
go celebrate in the tub, huh?
I don't know Jerri.
I heard that stuff makes
your clitoris enlarge.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, blacked out again.
Look, if we're serious about
winning, the answer is simple.
I'm afraid of needles.
Don't worry, we can all
go back to my house.
Once we're there,
I'll swab down the nude behinds
of you three ladies.
I'll take my time, find the
vein, then I'll inject you.
It's that simple.
Okay, Jerri.
Check please!
How do know how much to give us?
Well, it's really scientific.
The faster you wanna go,
the more you take.
How fast do you wanna go?
Really fast.
Then I'll give you a really lot.
Is this dangerous?
Yeah, dangerously exciting!
[GIGGLING]
Derrick! Are you
eavesdropping on your sister
and her fit young friends?
Yeah, it sounds
so weird in there.
It sounds like they're naked
and giggling and stuff
and doing things.
Derrick, you're a
healthy teenage boy.
Why don't you swing open the
door and catch them in their panties?
Naw, think I'm just gonna watch
some figure skatin' on TV.
Congratulations, Coach Wolf.
I've seen them come,
I've seen them go,
this is the finest ladies' Flatpoint
track team we've ever had!
How long have we had
a ladies' track team?
This is the first year, sir.
Keep up the good work.
Okay ladies!
Remember, if we win here
we're goin' to State!
Let's do so well that it can't
possibly be explained by our talent
or our training!
Do it! C'mon!
Lady Donks!
On your marks
Get set.
[BANG]
[CROWD ROARING]
Well I'm very proud of you all.
Our competition has
expressed concern
about how we've
improved so quickly.
I am of course am concerned
that I might find out.
But, a team is built on trust,
and I trust you
to keep it from me.
COACH:
I'll go draw your bath.
Tub time!
We're gonna get busted.
What if they find out?
Relax girls!
I don't want y'all
stressed out in the tub.
Besides, what could go wrong?
Oh, you ladies are dressed.
Well, I'll say my piece anyway.
There are a lot of
rumors floating around
on how you drastically
improved your times.
I think maybe I know
the answer as to why.
Gasp!
Gasp! Gasp!
You're very fast!
Yeah, fast!
But
I have some other news
the whole school just might
find interesting.
You're all
Getting new uniforms!
Nice!
But I have a good reason why I
won't be giving them to you now.
I don't want them to get dirty.
Keep up the good work, ladies.
See, I told you
What could go wrong?
Oh, one more thing.
Before the State Finals, the officials
will be holding random drug testing.
If it's found you have any
illegal substances in your bodies,
you will be disqualified,
and then suspended.
Don't let me down.
Blackie.
Wolfie.
Your tub's ready.
Tub time!
Um, we don't feel
like a bath today.
Well, how 'bout a shower?
Can I see you naked?
A second?
Ready?
Okay!
Okay! Okay!
Da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da ♪
da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
Charge!
Let's hear it for
the Flatpoint cheerleaders!
Rhythm is gonna get 'cha!
And, of course, the reason
we're here tonight,
the Flatpoint
ladies' track team!
[CROWD CHEERS]
Just a few quick words
about these winners!
These brave young ladies
represent this school,
and more importantly,
they represent
Me!
Can you visualize me in a
sexy little track suit,
crossing the finish line first?
I can.
God help me, if they lose.
Let's hear it for the Donkettes!
I have something to say.
In a minute.
I have somethin' to say!
I didn't get to my cheer yet.
Get off!
Great, I fired 'em up.
Let's see if you can
keep their attention.
The Lady Donk track team!
We are so proud of our girls!
They're so naturally fast!
That kinda speed
doesn't come in a bottle.
No practice, yet 30 seconds
off their time in three days!
So kick 'em Donks!
[CROWD ROARING]
CHEERLEADERS [CHANTING]:
Gimme an "A"
gimme a "T"
gimme a "P
we are so busted!
Look, Jerri, this whole thing
was your idea!
You have to tell the coach.
Maybe if we tell her now,
they'll take pity on us
and at least we won't
get kicked out of school.
Look, we can beat
this drug test.
I've done this a
100 times before!
All we need is like,
30 pints of fresh blood, and
I know where we can get it.
Tell her, Jerri!
You girls all stretched out?
Coach Wolf, I gotta
tell you somethin'.
Hey, look, Jerri, all's
I know is what I don't know,
and I wanna keep it
that way, okay?
Now I'm gonna be
up in the bleachers,
fantasizing that I had something
to do with your success.
All right, ladies.
I'm here for your
random drug test.
I'm going to choose
one member of your team.
If a trace of anything
illegal shows up,
you are all disqualified
and expelled from school.
Let's see.
Eeny,
meeny,
miney,
you!
Shh!
Shh!
Keep it down and get in here.
I know what's going on.
About the drugs and everything.
What gave us away?
One of your teammates told me.
Let me tell you
something, Blank.
I will not let this school be disgraced by
you and your team's disgraceful actions.
Give me that cup,
I'm gonna do something
disgraceful in it.
Stand back, Blank,
you're making me nervous.
[FILLING CUP]
Ladies
Congratulations, you passed!
I should tell you, that although
your urine was drug free,
we did detect a vicious
case of gonorrhea.
Good luck.
BLACKMAN: Please give it
up for our national anthem
as rendered by the
Flatpoint High Choral Ensemble.
Oh say can you see ♪
Eeew, you suck!
By the dawn's early light ♪
what so proudly we hail ♪
through the
perilous fight ♪
o'er the ramparts
we watched ♪
were so
gallantly streaming ♪
and the rockets' red ♪
That's detention, mister!
On your marks,
get set.
[BANG]
Go Jerri!
Kick 'em Donks! Go!
FEMALE:
You're amazing, Jerri!
[CROWD ROARING AND CHEERING]
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
[ALL GIGGLING & LAUGHING]
Ooh.
I guess what I learned this week
is that only losers do drugs,
unless it helps you win.
And in that case,
only winners do drugs!
Hey, uh, ladies!
You know something,
I'm feeling all eely!
I love to go
swimmin' with women ♪
and women love
swimmin' with me ♪
I pretend
that I'm a crab ♪
and their pretty
ankles grab ♪
who wouldn't be
a lobster in the sea ♪
all peaches all fall
on the beaches ♪
and picking 'ems
my specialty ♪
I get those Navy notions
when I see floating queens ♪
I dive right in the ocean
and I play submarines ♪
oh, I love to
go swimmin' with women ♪
and women
love swimmin' with me ♪